Location: California, USA
Occupation: High school
Marital status: Single
Hobbies: enlightenment, miscellaneous personal development techniques, art(performing/music/drawing/etc.), dealing with my problems, nature, excessive TV watching, Dancing for the sake of feeling beauty not actually being good..
I had depression sort of bad, and was sort of suicidal around 7th grade. I didn't have the willpower to do it but I just wanted it to stop and end. The cause of that depression could be several things, during that time I played video games every possible second and nothing else was even considered, I also (and maybe still am?) had something similar to some schizophrenic delusions, I believed that the people around me were apart of some secret society (to a certain extent). This was around when I was maybe 13 years old, I realize my sexual/romantic interest in guys, which is just more of societies shit that I have to deal with now being gay. It could've also been caused by some sort of philosophical-induced belief. I also had a ton of miscellaneous problems, I would constantly get erections in public, and for whatever reason my cock is really sensitive, literally doesn't even have to be anything sexual that triggers it. And I had a guy friend who I played video games with a lot, and people considered us BFF's but I realized after a while that he was a jerk (to me a lot). And this anger somehow translated into sexual attraction. (this is 8th grade now). And it wasn't a mental option for me to leave that group with him, so I was kind of just stuck with him with my feelings, this hate, and almost pretending to like him all this time. This was also a very hard year.
The beginning of high school was still rough, but I would consider this to be the year I dealt with my shit. I left the friend group with that friend, and texted him telling him that he was a jerk (leaving out the gay part), and then never talking to him to this day. Also I had a problem, because I had sexual attraction to children, and this was rough because society looks at 'those' people as monsters, and so naturally I looked at myself the same way, only recently did I have a huge face palm and realized that the children that I was attracted to, were within a general 4-6 year radius of my age, and adults marry within that range (and bigger gaps) it natural, and even if it turns out not to be natural, I'm not unconfident that I can't deal with it. This year I also talked to a counselor telling her all my problems, and I almost went to a therapist, but looking at my life so far I decided not to and to deal with this shit on my own. I also suffered from lack of purpose during these times, because of my excessive time wasting.
This year, (which is almost over) I felt dealt mainly with being gay. For whatever reason halfway through the year, some thing in my mind clicked, and I realized and felt all the social impacts of being gay, I become extremely nervous, I almost had a panic attack when someone came in to talk about LGBTQ club or something, which immediately resulted in me taking action, I told a friend, which was very awkward and emotionally exhausting, but she was accepting, despite it being such a hard task, it was easy for me to do, because I knew what the alternative was, and it was not good. And then recently I just told another friend (who is pansexual). And then one morning I had an incident, where my dad was texting in a family group chat and said "I hope you have a good gay" and then my mom texted back with "I hope you have a good gay to!" which gave me a fucking seizure, note that I just woke up early in the morning, literally the night before I told my other friend I was gay (the pansexual one). And now this!! HAHHA... I didn't know if this was some sick way of telling me "Hey btw we know your gay" and so I responded with "..." and walked downstairs, and she seemed totally normal, and I was trying to figure out the entire time whether or not she knew, it took me a while to realize that it was just an grammar mistake and my mom was making fun of my dad, because apparently mentioning 'gay' is funny to her.
But despite the onslaught of crap, this year I've actually been really happy, I found Leo somewhere around the end of 8th grade, I think I was looking up for a video on laziness or something, and eventually got lucky enough to find Leo, in which case I would feel doomed if I hadn't stumbled across him. I would probably be worshipping him at this point if he didn't tell us not to.
But now? I mean, I still face problems obviously. I haven't told my parents that I'm gay yet, I worry about that, but I have my plans to tell them. and otherwise I have tools that most of the people around me don't, knowledge that they (probably) don't have, and I feel lucky to have something work for me. My confidence is pretty amazing, after that one morning with my parents texting, it really put it into perspective that random shit happens. There's still more problems which I didn't go into, but these are typically the biggest. (Also sorry I kind of jumped around a lot).
Personal challenges I've overcome
- Dealing with depression solo
- Dealing with insanity solo
- Dealing with social bullshit (a lot of it)
- getting over self-image
- Meditation habit
- less laziness
What I'm working on now
- Shamanic breathing
- Enlightenment (but going to be more serious after high school)
- mastering the social terrain and wasteland that is high school
- Getting over my laziness or excessive wasting of time
- becoming a better student