modmyth

ARS AMORATA: Cultivating Self Love + Positive Self Image (2)

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Posted (edited)

So, I deleted the last two with the same title name. I contemplated whether I should even bother continuing to do this at all, but it still might be of use. I need to lay a few strict ground rules, as in, they're not optional.

1) No ranting or perpetuating my own anger. As far as I know, I have no hidden rage locked away, so it is actually self-indulgent at this point and perpetuates it pointlessly for the most part. Surely whatever shock there has been has fully worn off because enough time has passed.

2) Limit any self-talk/ narrative/ rhetoric except that which is orientated in the most positive, direct way (which sometimes is a very negative expression, but I think I have a better grip on this now)  To continue to take the most direct route possible when sorting out whatever needs to be sorted out.

3) To not allow fear or self-consciousness (or at least, to minimize it whenever possible) to dictate the choices I make in terms of what I do or don't say about myself, to just consider if it's for my own greater good.

4) To practice and internalize ruthless self-preservation properly (especially at the level of direct identification with myself in relation to others), so I don't need to compensate for it in external behaviors. Honestly, the more calculating and less unnecessarily emotional I guess (unnecessary being the keyword), the more cleanly this gets resolved and sorted out all around.

etc.

While I often prefer to have done this all in private (and to have simply pressed the delete aspect of every aspect of my issues with love and a specific connection which I have written about, which frankly, I have gotten overly attached to), my energy expression and my momentary goals in life have changed pretty drastically. The move back towards insularity doesn't really work in the long run.  It's like Pandora's Box; I've broken too much open inside myself to go back to however I functioned before and for it to really make much sense, though there is the tendency to readopt and regress towards old habits.

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

It is good to not have a complex or to be overly neurotic about being wrong, or to not have too much here worth defending, or that you feel like you need to defend. Whenever possible. This is an attitude that can be cultivated.

Or about being crazy for that matter.

People just generally are not free of the burden, fear, preoccupation of both being seen as crazy and actually feeling/ "being" crazy. There is a sort of security that comes from being firmly on the safe, right side of the fence, societally speaking. If you feel and internalize that you are crazy, that your own judgment cannot be trusted, and that you can not be trusted, you side against yourself. You split directly in two. To explicitly side against the human tribe (for all our issues) comes with its own problems as well. With the former, you must mend your relationship with yourself. It is the bare minimum necessary in order to not be constantly compensating for a base level of instability. Do not estimate what this will drain out of you every day, from moment to moment, over the course of years. The degree to which you do not trust yourself and take your own side (and I mean TRULY, and not necessarily against other people, but there may be times where you may not be able to avoid it.) It affects your quality of life, your base perception and feeling about reality, the type of relationships and people you attract into your life, what comes out automatically in your expression, pretty much absolutely everything.

If you fear being judged as crazy, you aren't really free. If you are afraid of being crazy, as many people are overtly or latently, then you aren't really either.

We are offered many, many opportunities to turn against ourselves.

Both of these inevitably inhibit... honestly, it's really hard to explain what it's like until you're free of it. I won't say that I am totally free of it, but I orient myself towards it in my actions, as I write here.

Edited by modmyth
As much as I sometimes wonder if it's a waste of time/ energy to be writing in a stricter, more structured way, you have to keep the flow going and not dam up. Just follow it.

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7 minutes ago, modmyth said:

What is this shit? Making up for a lifetime of not talking about myself?  ¬¬

And also a lifetime of being hyper image and socially consciousness, as in never revealing too much about myself, being careful to never seem crazy, too out of control, too WEIRD/ strange, definitely not to the wrong people, and not at the wrong time. (And still, I made serious errors anyway.)

Ooooffff I relate to this too much. I'm pretty sure me oversharing in my journal and writing long posts is an over compensation for me not sharing my thoughts and experiences to people irl because somewhere along the way I built up the habit of being private and reserved. 

33 minutes ago, modmyth said:

It is good to not have a complex or to be overly neurotic about being wrong, or to not have too much here worth defending, or that you feel like you need to defend. Whenever possible. This is an attitude that can be cultivated.

Or about being crazy for that matter.

People just generally are not free of the burden, fear, preoccupation of both being seen as crazy and actually feeling/ "being" crazy. There is a sort of security that comes from being firmly on the safe, right side of the fence, societally speaking. If you feel and internalize that you are crazy, that your own judgment cannot be trusted, and that you can not be trusted, you side against yourself. You split directly in two. To explicitly side against the human tribe (for all our issues) comes with its own problems as well. With the former, you must mend your relationship with yourself. It is the bare minimum necessary in order to not be constantly compensating for a base level of instability. Do not estimate what this will drain out of you every day, from moment to moment, over the course of years. The degree to which you do not trust yourself and take your own side (and I mean TRULY, and not necessarily against other people, but there may be times where you may not be able to avoid it.) It affects your quality of life, your base perception and feeling about reality, the type of relationships and people you attract into your life, what comes out automatically in your expression, pretty much absolutely everything.

If you fear being judged as crazy, you aren't really free. If you are afraid of being crazy, as many people are overtly or latently, then you aren't really either.

We are offered many, many opportunities to turn against ourselves.

Both of these inevitably inhibit... honestly, it's really hard to explain what it's like until you're free of it. I won't say that I am totally free of it, but I orient myself towards it in my actions, as I write here.

I've been working through a form of this recently and I just wanted to say this articulates somethings I've been thinking or feeling but now sure how to put into words really well. I'm trying to deconstruct this need to be competent and "get my life together." It has helped me grow and clear out a lot of neurotic tendencies but now I'm at a point where wanting to always have it together has become a neurotic tendency of it's own. Oh how things go full circle 


The heat that you curse in the summer is the same one you yearn for in the winter. 

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Posted (edited)

56 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Ooooffff I relate to this too much. I'm pretty sure me oversharing in my journal and writing long posts is an over compensation for me not sharing my thoughts and experiences to people irl because somewhere along the way I built up the habit of being private and reserved.

These are habits you picked up very early on because you had to, right? I remember reading about your upbringing and your parents in your journal and how it affected you in that way. I also had to as well, though the circumstances were quite different. My parents were ultra emotionally repressive and they isolated me from my peers a lot.

And I still tend to be the same way IRL as well, like I'm still habitually concerned about how I'll be perceived in a social sense even though I have relaxed a lot, but probably even moreso I'm concerned with affecting people negatively due to having a bad attitude and being a burden. Which sharply clashes with the way I have written here at times, I'm aware, but it's like throwing burning coals in a bag off a boat into the ocean; it's going to become a problem again sooner rather than later, I generally think it is a wiser strategy to not leave it until it comes unbearable. So I've learned how to develop an awareness and understanding of my feelings from moment to moment, long before it gets to that point for the most part.

This is not what I've learned from my own family AT ALL. It's more like problems don't exist if you don't look at them, pretend that they're not there, and no one talks about it. So everyone just keeps quiet until someone blows up or possibly goes off the rails, and even then it's like... "yea, there's no problem here" and any elephants in the room will get ignored unless it's absolutely, completely, unavoidable.

Quote

I've been working through a form of this recently and I just wanted to say this articulates somethings I've been thinking or feeling but now sure how to put into words really well. I'm trying to deconstruct this need to be competent and "get my life together." It has helped me grow and clear out a lot of neurotic tendencies but now I'm at a point where wanting to always have it together has become a neurotic tendency of it's own. Oh how things go full circle 

I've struggled a lot with this as well.

I think it is very hard work for some of us to be emotionally vulnerable, and to keep being this way and to keep digging deeper. Perhaps for some of us more than others. Like I remember being younger and observing that some people were able to make that emotional vulnerability thing work for them pretty well (so it's not like everyone has that fear/preoccupation especially to such a great degree), but not me.  Other than now, I was probably the most emotionally vulnerable when I was a teenager, but I was also very unhappy and very unstable, and also just starting to make sense and order out of all of this.

There is a tremendous emotional burden in feeling like you have to always have it together (and on top of that, that you're not together enough, and perhaps, may never be as you are in the present moment...). I find that it affects the body and health very negatively, but I tend to be hyper-sensitive and attentive to the way my emotions/ thoughts affect my body, always have been. In my experience, it makes you very physically tense and armored due to stress which may not even be felt that consciously all the time which then gets stored directly in the body if we don't process it all properly. It's almost as if you have to keep yourself rather rigid and unrelaxed in your approach (and this is mirrored physically) in order to literally feel "put together" in order to protect your softest, more vulnerable parts (so, it's like an emotional safety thing). (Plus, stress tends to affect everything in the body anyway.)

Not sure if that makes sense or is relatable, but it probably isn't just me.

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

Talking yourself up consciously is a survival strategy. If you don't build yourself back up, who is going to? Like I wanted to be even more of burden to the person who ended up being there for me when I needed someone the most.

There is the rather basic issue of convincing myself that my love has any value or meaning at all.

To repair my relationship with myself, Yea. There's really no choice.

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

There is a methodology to the madness. I treat dealing with major trauma like a job. I deal with it with confidence and conviction for the most part. But with very early life trauma, maybe a better metaphor is being held hostage to pay off a debt that you yourself did not accrue through your own actions or choices. 

Arguably I've dealt with it enough and especially in a hands on way to be an expert at it. Just years and years of concentrated, often aggressively focused effort like this. Yes, I've read a decent number of books about it, but mostly I am doing it my own way. I study pretty much everything that I encounter in great detail, judge, experiment, reassess, rinse and repeat.  Remember that as cultural and medical ideas, we did not start to take PTSD that seriously as a cultural and medical idea until the 90s and it has been creeping is way into our cultural lexicon like a number of psychiatric terms, for better and for worse.

In the case of your own actions and choices played a part in the casualty, that's not an easy thing to deal with. Not for me anyway, I think it's the hardest part (like, why do I do stupid shit? Responsibility result becomes blame). It's not all universally, 'why did bad stuff happen to me?' but ' what can I learn from this all so that this situation never happens again, and if it does, it's largely irrelevant?. I take the idea of repeating the same errors in judgement very seriously.

Anyway, the more I write about this, the more it all becomes second nature to write about this quickly and effortlessly even if to keep it up for hours, it does cause some stress. That's a good thing. That's directness and resilience. At some point you don't want to talk about these things naturally anyway unless there is some relevant reason to (as in it never comes up and there is no resistance there because there is no issue); the naturalness and ease is a good sign. The feeling of being lidded or a locked door, or like a deadness or a stagnation which causes youe body to react. Not so much.

Edited by modmyth

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19 hours ago, modmyth said:

These are habits you picked up very early on because you had to, right? I remember reading about your upbringing and your parents in your journal and how it affected you in that way. I also had to as well, though the circumstances were quite different. My parents were ultra emotionally repressive and they isolated me from my peers a lot.

And I still tend to be the same way IRL as well, like I'm still habitually concerned about how I'll be perceived in a social sense even though I have relaxed a lot, but probably even moreso I'm concerned with affecting people negatively due to having a bad attitude and being a burden. Which sharply clashes with the way I have written here at times, I'm aware, but it's like throwing burning coals in a bag off a boat into the ocean; it's going to become a problem again sooner rather than later, I generally think it is a wiser strategy to not leave it until it comes unbearable. So I've learned how to develop an awareness and understanding of my feelings from moment to moment, long before it gets to that point for the most part.

Parent's are a huge piece of the puzzle. But yeah acknowledging my thoughts and feelings to consciously make the effort to be gentle with myself has been huge.

19 hours ago, modmyth said:

 

This is not what I've learned from my own family AT ALL. It's more like problems don't exist if you don't look at them, pretend that they're not there, and no one talks about it. So everyone just keeps quiet until someone blows up or possibly goes off the rails, and even then it's like... "yea, there's no problem here" and any elephants in the room will get ignored unless it's absolutely, completely, unavoidable.

My parents are exactly the same way. They also see introspecting, digging through your feelings, and processing things as being stagnant because they have been told to brush it off and keep going with life because there was no time to pause. That was the environment they were brought up in. 

18 hours ago, modmyth said:

There is a tremendous emotional burden in feeling like you have to always have it together (and on top of that, that you're not together enough, and perhaps, may never be as you are in the present moment...). I find that it affects the body and health very negatively, but I tend to be hyper-sensitive and attentive to the way my emotions/ thoughts affect my body, always have been. In my experience, it makes you very physically tense and armored due to stress which may not even be felt that consciously all the time which then gets stored directly in the body if we don't process it all properly. It's almost as if you have to keep yourself rather rigid and unrelaxed in your approach (and this is mirrored physically) in order to literally feel "put together" in order to protect your softest, more vulnerable parts (so, it's like an emotional safety thing). (Plus, stress tends to affect everything in the body anyway.)

Yeah I have experience in this too. I'm one of those people who if they are happy it shows but if there is a lot of stress or sadness, that shows too physically whether it is my health or the way I carry myself. There was a point a couple years ago where I would be envious of people who could maintain a happy facade even when things were going wrong. 

19 hours ago, modmyth said:

I think it is very hard work for some of us to be emotionally vulnerable, and to keep being this way and to keep digging deeper. Perhaps for some of us more than others. Like I remember being younger and observing that some people were able to make that emotional vulnerability thing work for them pretty well (so it's not like everyone has that fear/preoccupation especially to such a great degree), but not me.  Other than now, I was probably the most emotionally vulnerable when I was a teenager, but I was also very unhappy and very unstable, and also just starting to make sense and order out of all of this.

In my experience this has been paradoxical. It's difficult for me to be emotionally vulnerable but for some people it seems effortless but in a healthy way that enables them to connect with others (rather in a codependent way). And then that makes me think *oh shit I have work that I need to do on myself because I need to resolve the issues that's causing me to close up like this* But then that creates this situation where I'm like *well I'm not competent in this area better fix that so I have my life together* and that defeats the whole point of being vulnerable in a way. 

Not sure if that makes sense or if I'm articulating this well lol.  


The heat that you curse in the summer is the same one you yearn for in the winter. 

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Parent's are a huge piece of the puzzle. But yeah acknowledging my thoughts and feelings to consciously make the effort to be gentle with myself has been huge.

My parents are exactly the same way. They also see introspecting, digging through your feelings, and processing things as being stagnant because they have been told to brush it off and keep going with life because there was no time to pause. That was the environment they were brought up in.

I still find that different iterations of being gentle with myself can be a bit challenging. For myself, it's figuring out the right balance between being goal or achievement-orientated, but not doing in an essentially emotionally abusive and negligent way. My mom's advice to my emotional issues, the few times I have tried to talk to her about it, pretty much amounted to have you tried working harder and not thinking so much? Which is largely what created certain problems in the first place. I guess it's both largely a cultural and generational thing.

Quote

Yeah I have experience in this too. I'm one of those people who if they are happy it shows but if there is a lot of stress or sadness, that shows too physically whether it is my health or the way I carry myself. There was a point a couple years ago where I would be envious of people who could maintain a happy facade even when things were going wrong. 

One criticism that I used to get a lot from my parents as a kid was that I show my emotions/ thoughts too easily as well, and I wouldn't say that they're the most physically observant people as well. I can only assume that it's true.
 

Quote

 

In my experience this has been paradoxical. It's difficult for me to be emotionally vulnerable but for some people it seems effortless but in a healthy way that enables them to connect with others (rather in a codependent way). And then that makes me think *oh shit I have work that I need to do on myself because I need to resolve the issues that's causing me to close up like this* But then that creates this situation where I'm like *well I'm not competent in this area better fix that so I have my life together* and that defeats the whole point of being vulnerable in a way. 

Not sure if that makes sense or if I'm articulating this well lol.  

 

I think I get what you're saying. Personally, I think there is a sort of causality that needs to be dismantled, like if I do >x< then I'll finally be good enough to feel/ do/ accomplish >x<, as how these cycles tend to set up is that if you have any perfectionistic tendencies, you're never good enough. I have found and observed cycles where it was like, the more I focused on myself negatively, the more I noticed that was negative and had a very expansive experience of it (if that also makes sense...)

Like I used to be much more hypercritical of my body up to say, my early twenties. I remember mentioning that you used to have issues with exercise (and was it eating too?); I also did as well. Anyway, the more I tried to fix myself in an aggressively regimented way via diet and exercises, the more I would look at myself physically and find things wrong with myself, and the more I would feel terrible about myself all the time, and I would find myself thinking about diet and exercise constantly. It was extremely oppressive, like living under a dictatorship. I could not keep that up with full intensity for too long. So I had phases where I just dealt with the mirror minimally and I felt much better about myself and more relaxed, and I exercised but I didn't keep to some kind of super quantitative routine; especially any sort of counting calories or tracking macros. I've never been able to manage it without going completely neurotic and driving myself nuts after a weeks top. Literally, all I'm thinking about what I last ate, what I'm going to eat next, what I'm currently eating, my total calories for the day, whether I failed or succeeded or not. I feel like it brings out the worst in me. 

However, my boyfriend has done the calorie counting thing just fine for extended periods time, same thing with the regimented workout schedule.

I can deal with regiment much better now after dealing with the underlying emotional issues and issues related to self-acceptance and being ok and enough where I am. I tend to see perfectionistic tendencies as a balancing act because being driven can be a very positive thing, you just need the right sort of supportive beliefs, practices, and self-care to support it.

I went slightly off the original topic, but still related, I think.

Edited by modmyth

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@soos_mite_ah To be honest, I think the most important thing at the time was knowing when to just back off all attempts at "fixing" anything. I think it's important to do that if that's what the heart really wants. Like even if you feel lazy or incompetent on some level, ultimately you feel cared for emotionally as a result of your choice, or like you have the space to be or breathe.

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1 hour ago, modmyth said:

Like I used to be much more hypercritical of my body up to say, my early twenties. I remember mentioning that you used to have issues with exercise (and was it eating too?); I also did as well. Anyway, the more I tried to fix myself in an aggressively regimented way via diet and exercises, the more I would look at myself physically and find things wrong with myself, and the more I would feel terrible about myself all the time, and I would find myself thinking about diet and exercise constantly. It was extremely oppressive, like living under a dictatorship. I could not keep that up with full intensity for too long. 

Yeah it was eating too. It was much worse when I was in my early teens and that set the foundation of a messed up relationship with food and my body. Even though I worked through most of those insecurities, I still carried over dysfunctional eating habits mainly because of misinformation and people dieting around me which made me think *hey this is normal and totally safe.* When I had to reexamine what I was eating due to some health issues I had recently, that made some issues that weren't fully dealt with bubble up to the surface. 

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

So I had phases where I just dealt with the mirror minimally and I felt much better about myself and more relaxed, and I exercised but I didn't keep to some kind of super quantitative routine; especially any sort of counting calories or tracking macros. I've never been able to manage it without going completely neurotic and driving myself nuts after a weeks top. Literally, all I'm thinking about what I last ate, what I'm going to eat next, what I'm currently eating, my total calories for the day, whether I failed or succeeded or not. I feel like it brings out the worst in me. 

However, my boyfriend has done the calorie counting thing just fine for extended periods time, same thing with the regimented workout schedule.

The mirror thing helped me a lot and helped me take the focus off of what I looked like. I can't track food like that either. Before I wasn't able to do it because it would get neurotic but now it's more like I simply don't have the energy to track or to think about how well what I just ate and what I'm going to eat later on and how that will add up quantitatively. 

I have also met some people who did calorie counting but were totally fine. But I have also met a lot of people who do that but it is coming from neurotic places. I guess it depends on your past relationship with food along with your body image. I feel like issues with body image are so common regardless of gender. Especially with men, they tend to get over looked because they see a guy who is obsessively tracking macros and spending too much time at the gym and people just brush it off as "oh he's just really into fitness and health." And that is a case for a lot of people but a lot of gym bros have body dysmorphia but people aren't ready to talk about that yet because body image issues get painted as solely a women's problem.

2 hours ago, modmyth said:

 I tend to see perfectionistic tendencies as a balancing act because being driven can be a very positive thing, you just need the right sort of supportive beliefs, practices, and self-care to support it.

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

@soos_mite_ah To be honest, I think the most important thing at the time was knowing when to just back off all attempts at "fixing" anything. I think it's important to do that if that's what the heart really wants. Like even if you feel lazy or incompetent on some level, ultimately you feel cared for emotionally as a result of your choice, or like you have the space to be or breathe.

I find that even though I'm trying to back off sometimes I have the urge to fix something and pick at my flaws or wounds bubble up. I've mainly been trying to be mindful of that and even take note of things I might want to work on but I brush it off as something to deal with later.  Because even though I have this tendency to be nitpicky, sometimes it's with good reason. But hey, I mean taking a step back can help clearing your head and have a better sense of judgement regarding whether something is me nitpicking or a valid concern. 


The heat that you curse in the summer is the same one you yearn for in the winter. 

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Posted (edited)

ARISTOLEAN/ A FLAVOUR OF PAGAN PRIDE: This isn't exactly a wholesale endorsement, but speaks of a well-enough known strain of "pagan" pride (as a positive value), as opposed to Abrahamic religions which tend to uphold humility and other virtues instead.

I tend to consider pride a virtue; in modern rhetoric, we might call it something like "real" vs. "fake" confidence (aka. arrogance), but I think pride relates more to taking, genuine, direct pleasure in your achievements as a result of your values/ vision. And this is a very good thing to have. Anyway, absolutely no such distinction was made below, and they had no competition or opposition either to such a pride. It is simply a power that does not know what it means to not be powerful, except in relation to something that may take it away. Any sense of a lack of power is not really located within the locus of SELF/ morals whatsoever, at least in relation to other people morally speaking. Circumstance? Absolute yes.

It is snobby (but unselfconsciously and directly so, and in a weird way, arguably unpretentious in its honesty IMO), it is lording (and doesn't apologize for it), it is absolutely self-directed.

You do not lie or do terrible behaviours because it is utterly beneath you. You make great things and make the best of things because you esteem yourself highly. You express your emotions and thoughts directly because generally, ultimately, it is because of fear that you do not, and because it's the right thing to do.

>Insert obligatory reference to Nietzsche with his observation of "master" vs. "slave" moralities and religions<, Both are hyper status conscious, actually.

***Also, consider the ways in which "master" morality very much means mastery over yourself, NOT just other people (and consider the implications of this relationship with yourself.)

Quote

 

A person is proud if he both is and thinks himself to be worthy of great things. If he both is and thinks himself to be worthy of small things he is not proud but temperate, for pride implies greatness. In terms of the vices, a person who thinks himself worthy of great things when he is unworthy of them is vain, whereas a person who thinks himself worthy of less than he is worthy of is pusillanimous. Compared to vanity, pusillanimity is both commoner and worse, and so more opposed to pride.

Although the proud person is an extreme in respect of the greatness of his claims, he is a mean in respect of their truthfulness. He is avid of his just deserts and particularly of honour, the prize of virtue and the greatest of external goods. He is moderately pleased to accept great honours conferred by good people, but he utterly despises honours from casual people and on trifling grounds. As a person who deserves more is better, the truly proud person is good, and as he is good, he is also rare. In sum, pride is a crown of the virtues; it is not found without them, and it makes them greater.

The proud person is liable to disdain and to despise, but as he thinks rightly, he does so justly, whereas the many disdain and despise at random. Although the proud person is dignified towards the great and the good, he is unassuming towards the middle classes; for it is a difficult and lofty thing to be superior to the former, but easy to be so to the latter, and a lofty bearing over the former is no mark of ill-breeding, but among humble people it is as vulgar as a display of strength against the weak.

Again, it is characteristic of the proud man not to aim at the things commonly held in honour, or the things in which others excel; to be sluggish and to hold back except where great honour or a great work is at stake, and to be a man of few deeds, but of great and notable ones. He must also be open in his hate and in his love (for to conceal one’s feelings, i.e. to care less for truth than for what people will think, is a coward’s part), and must speak and act openly; for he is free of speech because he is contemptuous, and he is given to telling the truth, except when he speaks in irony to the vulgar.

 

There is a start I guess, or a point to return to when talking about the moral nuances and practicalities of pride itself.

It is a bit odd to adopt this perspective wholesale considering it is a direct reflection of the nobility of that society, and reflection of both their survival needs a culture and class of people; it is not universalism. It is not exactly a mark of conscious design from scratch (relatively speaking, whatever you produce still tends to exist relative to one's surroundings and time, to stretch something that may reach much further than that? ....).

***In many cultures, "vanity" (this is on par with the grandiosity aspect of narcissism) as its described above is worse than underestimating oneself, because it means you are weak and you lack courage. This produces a very aggressive (as in forward-moving), achievement-orientated culture. Tempered with other values, this could end up very violent or very stable and peaceful (but progress/ innovation orientated society) if the aggressive drive for mastery is channeled toward the collective sense of self. One of the multiple possible outcomes, as in its not necessary to accept a simple polarized outcome here; values are all that you can make of them and how you reconcile them together and apply it all.

Edited by modmyth
from "Nicomachean Ethics", Book 4

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Posted (edited)

SEXUAL ATTRACTION:

I am sexually attracted to intellect/ creativity explicitly (as in, directly for its own sake), but I am very, very fussy. I might be one of the fussiest people around in this way. I consider it a sort of shallowness in the way that the aptitude is generally inborn (and so I do discriminate based on this). I get to be the judge of it though. You can't simply tell me that you are >x<. What people call and identify as super-intelligent isn't necessarily what interests me; I have come in with my own set of instinctive criteria. Just generally, I look for a sort of concentrated spark manifesting in a few specific ways. (What you do with your potential and how you develop it also matters a great deal though, of course.)

Talent, aptitude, etc. Things I find interesting.

I suppose this makes me snobby. Well, I like to be around people that I share things in common with and natural affinities with too, just like everyone else.

....

This whole time, it is honestly much easier for me to find someone who is hot, has status in this world, money, statistically speaking.

 

Edited by modmyth
When I met J, I wasn't even necessarily grateful either. But I knew it was not accident. Maybe that's why I wasn't grateful. Just a casual, yes, I know I was going to meet you.. on a deeper level. Hi.

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Posted (edited)

SELF CENSORSHIP:

I have had a no complaining, whining, or talking about "unnecessary" negative shit policy that I have observed mostly my whole life, except at a few intervals when I was a teenager. Other than that, all negative talk has been conscious, controlled, and strategic. It's like making a decision to press a button, or releasing a valve. Sometimes, the need to be strategic (as in, perpetually calculating) itself becomes problematic. The need to keep track of the sort of "meta processes" and purpose of all of this can get neurotic and verging on obsessive, even if it's not tiring and suffocating in the ways that it absolutely used to be because I have learned how to manage these processes and the allocation of energy better. Sort of. For the most part. It's the sort of thing that hopefully you develop and hone as you grow older, if you care about and focus on this sort of thing.

This constant need to observe and measure your own performance, to be mindful of your time, justify the use of your time and energy (whether for yourself and others), ultimately, it's easy to feel like it's not really yours (even if you feel like you are HYPER-RESPONSIBLE for yourself). In a deeper sense, at root of it all, there has been that feeling that ultimately I don't really own my life (and by extension, my body). Even as much as I try to be "selfish" including in ways that I can actually take care of myself and look out for all of my own interests properly (and therefore, I can survive), there has often been this feeling that I can't really do this for myself. That there is no point anyways. It doesn't make any intrinsic sense. And also in a way, I don't want to own or be fully responsible for my own life, my purpose (so give the responsibility to god, to fate and one's predestined life purpose, to an idealized partner or love). It's too much. It's too much responsibility, too much of a burden, too many things which you can't and don't know yet, and can't keep track of. And yet ultimately, that is all there is; there is no separate "god" or higher intelligence from direct consciousness. It easily becomes a perpetual dilemma if that's all you can manage to make of it if you can not reconcile living with this "intrinsic contradiction", it easily blows itself up to a problem that is absolutely universal in its scale and in the direct experience of it.

The burden of overthinking, particularly, overreaching as a structural problem of psyche. But it is important to be able to apply language legibly to communicate what I am sorting through in my own psyche here, to reconcile my past with previous psyche and present and "ideal" psyche.

Anyway, this is more than I wanted to say here.

There is an issue with my continuously alternating between damming up emotionally and barfing everything out like this. At some point, I just want to stop vacillating, stay open and to have the correcting sort of evolving psychoemotional infrastructure for this. Well, when? Why not right now? Is this not where I am moving toward anyway?

If stay as open (or as open as possible now), won't I be alright? Why revert to a previous psychoemotional pattern/ structure that I wanted to do away with just generally? Don't I have more than enough self-control now?

Edited by modmyth
And... this is enough. For now.

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Posted (edited)

I absolutely was worth serving and taking care of as I desired on my own terms too, even for all the shit I judged myself for wanting, often in subverted, secret ways. I couldn't even say or face a lot of it directly at the time. It was just too much. Too much desire. Too much feeling. I swear my fucking brain shut down and all of my usual methods of processing and dealing with people, the defense mechanisms and familiar way of dealing with things, and then it kind of went to shit.

If you feel like you don't deserve a base level of feeling good and being taken care of, not much good comes back from that. You tend to feel that way all the time even if it isn't the focal point of your attention; it's a (or THE) framing lens of your perspective and reality. Your whole experience, what is reflected back to you will be this. The people/ circumstances that keep coming back to you provoke you. Your whole theology, approach, and attitude to life will be this in some form or another. It could and probably is relatively inert and subverted, other wise your own self would be pretty intolerable to live with from moment to moment. You would be in a constant state of chaos/ movement which you can't even call a crisis if it's just a permanent thing until it's not anymore (and again, this is why we repress and create a subconscious in the first place).

I kind of just turned against myself completely and I didn't even realize it. Even more than I had before. Or just say that all of my subconscious issues were provoked inevitably as the deeper a feeling reaching, the more this tends to happen.

Even if I didn't actually want to end up living in a way where it felt like I was just perpetually being served (as opposed to GIVING as well), like that was the main purpose of it all. I never want to be a burden. I didn't want to feel infantilized or incapable. There was like deep need/ desire I could express, couldn't articulate; a vulnerability I wanted to be seen, cherished, protected, supported. In the end: no. I couldn't reconcile or make sense of it at all.

I guess I didn't have the tools to even begin to conceptualize or make sense of most of what I was feeling and processing. So SMACK. Right in the face. The speed and intensity of the feelings really didn't help either. It's like I went from being hyper-controlled about my feelings to not at all for a time period. It was all bit of a blur.

Anyway, I can separate this issue emotionally from this one, specific person who didn't provide it.

Edited by modmyth
100% of this now is about my relationship with myself.

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Posted (edited)

SELF LOVE: It strikes me as insane that we're not willing to love ourselves in the same way that we would love someone else (at least, the way we would ideally love someone else).

Edited by modmyth
The flip side of this is that we love someone the way we want to be loved ourselves, and when they're not happy, don't accept it, or appreciate, we -just don't get it-. The whole issue is pretty simple, at least logically.

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Posted (edited)

Maybe love (as in, how it is commonly thought of now, from parent to child) isn't really what I needed in this lifetime. I mean, it was... and my parents made me in their image, for better and for worse, at least superficially. At the level of deeper identity, I come into this lifetime comparatively well developed, and so I have remained relatively untouchable in that way. Thank God.

My father taught me how to think starting in early childhood, but he did not try to teach me how to love and be loved. It's probably for the best. In fact, I doubted that he or my mother actually liked me at all; I suspected that they really didn't.

Years ago, he said that I superceded him in all ways (he means in the ways of the intellect) and that he stopped having anything to teach me a long time ago. It's the kind of thing you only tell an adult, probably for good reason. 

My whole family considers me a genius (slight cringe rerreading this) and know just generally, the very few times that it's been acknowledged openly as an adult, along with that I also am...spiritually exemplary or gifted(?) honestly, it's super weird. What do you even say to that? It's been less uncomfortable actually when nothing is said. 

Contrast that with that there was pretty much almost never a positive or reassuring word growing up though. 

My own natural people pleasing tendencies were not reinforced at home, though I did try very very hard for my whole childhood up to about 13. Maybe that's for the best that I tried and I just gave up, the opposite may have been even worse, if they encouraged or reinforced me in that tendency.

I have given my parents enough shit for what they didn't give me emotionally (and what they didn't let me seek out freely in others). It taught me a kind of self-reliance and forced me to rely on introspection at a young age when normally I wouldn't not have. Yes, it created a lot of problems, including in my ability to relate to others, but thankfully I don't need to fall back on what they've taught me. The latter qualities, I've needed it, of course. I should thank them for that.

I certainly wouldn't have read and introspected as much at a young age under different circumstances. I liked having lots of friends and being liked just as much as everything else I was naturally good at. Don't ask me to pick, god.

Edited by modmyth
I can change/ adapt in the way I relate to people.

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