Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Alex bAlex

Self Talk

76 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

I've had an out-of-place feeling all day long, couldn't find the right playlist, the music didn't fit in properly and not vibe properly with my customers. I couldn't really point out what is happening and then it happened!!!


Here is the guy in a hi-viz jacket, waving the car in front of me. Oh, actually is waving me - what the heck is going on? 

"This is a 30 mph speed limit road, you had 44..." pointing a speed gun at my face. "There's a police car next turn to the right, please park in front of it". 

Pfff, and so I did, gave my details and now I have to wait about two weeks or so to get a mail with the steps I have to follow. I have not lost my licence but probably I will get some points and a fine. I was already thinking that I have to join uber eats pretty fast :) The funny part is that I just got of my uber eats delivery bag and sold my bike, only to have to buy them again - ha - hopefully not! 


So, I have sold my stuff - only some of them - the majority of it I donate it to charity banks. Now I am 70% lighter. Still have to sell the pull-up bar,  DJ equipment and send some clothes (suit) to my parents. Then I have to buy a backpack and fit all my life in it! It will be a bit challenging at first but not impossible. 

My contract for my room is running out on the 15th of September and till then I have to sort a couple of things out: 

1.Get a second passport.

2. Get out of debt 

3. Minimalist lifestyle 

4. Transition to another source of income 

5. Start traveling


Now I have to admit that I might not be so ready till 15 of September (financially speaking) so I am taking into consideration the followings: 


- buy a self-inflating mattress, a sleeping bag and sleep in the car

- get a gym membership and shower + workout there

- drive for Uber for 6-7 months more till the weather gets better and have more money saved.

This will mean that I have to pay each week £180 to rent the car for Uber plus the fuel which can reach £100 to £150 depending on the millage but when I want to leave, I just return the car to the garage and adios! 

The downside is that the car might get smelly if I stay in 24/7. I start to feel a smell after 4-6 hours of continuous driving and I have to come home to take a shower. If I live in a car then I might not be able to pop in the gym every 4 hours to wash. Plus I will have a limited amount of clothes to be used in rotation.  The point is that I always try to be presentable and have the car clean and fresh-smelling for my customers and for me. 

Then I also have to think about parking overnight. While sleeping in the car, the windows will start to get misty/ foggy, and having a car with council license marks on it, looks suspicious. 


Buy a cheap car or small van in which to sleep (up to £1000).

Gym pass for shower/workouts 

Do Uber Eats to earn and save money 

In this case, I will have to pay hefty insurance (around £2000/annum as I have not owned a car for more than 6 years so there is no driving history) 

 Also if the van/car is cheap/old I have to consider the cost of maintaining the car or even repairs if necessary. 


Pay as much debt as possible till August, then take a personal loan

Get a good camera

Pack everything and start traveling 

Create traveling videos for YouTube

Sell stock footage 

Payback the loan! 


Sounds easy but this also takes time and I might run out of money before I get any income.  A youtube channel might be excited but also takes lots of work and mental strength to be persistent and consistent with content uploading. 



Get a loan and buy a minivan and register it for uber and sleep in it  BUT I AM TRYING TO SIMPLIFY MY LIFE NOT TO GET MORE STUFF IN IT!  -this is very stupid -then what, work to pay the van for 4 to 6 years? 


However, those are just big lines to look forward to. At the end of the day, I am not forced to leave, I will be able to afford another rent in other places if that is the case, it's just that I want to challenge myself a bit here. The biggest challenges with those plans are nutrition and meditation. Nonetheless, I have ignored nutrition in the past 3 months or so and I even forgot how to cook -shame on me! 

For meditation, I am considering doing walking meditation for one hour but I have to look more into this subject,.


This guy has some good videos -just watch a couple here and there. 

But this one inspired me a bit more - however he has some family and a house to fall back to in case of emergency - I am all by myself here !!! 


Edited by Alex bAlex

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Family pressure eased up but it's been a bit of a battle to be fair. I had struggled the most with the guilt-tripping feeling and I had been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster again that was going down down down. Also, I had to deal with the feeling of grief and loss. Images of my parents' death kept populating my vision.

So I decided to write them another letter, this time I send them two separate: one for mom and one for dad. 

It took me more than 3 hours to write two pages for each, then I hold them and review them for more than 4 days. And that was the best way to do it. I notice that in the first letter, I had been in a childish reactive state and didn't put too much thought into what I have written. 

In those last letters, I took more time and deal with the feelings of revenge and hate and pointing out things. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible. 


Still, I told my mom that I will not bite her manipulative game anymore and that I am surprised that even at the last hour she does not understand someone's decision and respect its boundaries.  I had no remorse or feeling anything but reproach and revenge for this woman. 


For dad, the tone was a bit more lively and not so serious, just a discussion about accepting me as an independent individual who wants to create and fulfill his dreams, not other's dreams. A couple of lines into the letter and my feelings start to burst out. I even cried for a bit. So definitely I have something left there for my dad. 


Now that cloud that was above my head starts to dissipate and I feel more at ease. 



Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just got my Covid vaccine. Was very quick and painless.

I got a Moderna batch and the side effects were just a low noticeable nausea. Next one in 12 weeks.


Have your vaccine and let's get out of this pandemic!

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Quick note - experiment, three words, relatively to the position of the sun, timer, results delivered later that week or on the spot if situation permit. 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I find myself in a strange position as viewing the relationship with my family.

Overall I would like not to talk to them anymore and just cut eachother completely from our lifes. To some degree I've done that already. 

Still thoughts and images about them are inhabiting my thinking. 

One one way I don't really want to abandon them and live their last years of life in misery. On the other, I can feel the outraged desire to succeed and prove myself to them - how foolish, I'll never be able to reach their aproval and love ( they are very deep asleep and the notion of love it's very scary for them )


Now, this is not an easy task to deal with in your life but to be fair I consider myself to be pretty strong in dealing with this situation. I didn't resort to stimulation, drugs or alcohol to cope with strong feelings and emotions. I just take it as it is and move on...

But I am concerned that I might not process those feelings correctly and maybe later will have deep repercussions in my life, something that I might not be aware of my behaviour... just saying. 

Edited by Alex bAlex

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seven years and two months, and it's finally here - Victory ✌🏾

Thank you!



Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Alright, time to catch up with some ketchup (ah unsalty pun :) ) 


I get my car for an oil change and I pack my bag for a day trip. I'm going to Queen Elizabeth Country Park. Some of you might remember that one of my trips a couple of years ago didn't go as I expected (I'll post at the end from One note as I deleted the post here on the forum). This time is different, it's daytime, no rush, beautiful weather, and nothing to worry about. 

I pop one tab of acid and after two hours I was it was still a mild to low effect. Then I found a field full of sheep and I decided to rest a bit over there, eat something and then I took another tab. after another hour I was already at the starting point, going all around the park. "Wait a minute, this cannot be all that it is", and from there I start to go off the marked tracks so so speak (still on footpaths but not only in that restrain area) 

I ended up walking for about 25 miles that day and the experience was unbeatable. There was no traffic, people just here and there, laughing and wondering at the beauty of nature, and I couldn't believe that this place is in England :)).


As I was crossing through the fields, went up and down through peaks and valleys, I see at some point a small tractor in the distance. Then it disappears, only to show up again bit by bit. I can see it's the colorful cabin, then a bit of its bonnet, the wheels and .... RUN BABY RUNNN. My jaw dropped when I notice its humongous bucktail - 10-15 meters on each side of robotic arms to spray fertilizer. And I was right in the middle of his path AND ON ACID :)) Hunter Thompson's type of vision :))

I just took my sunglasses off, and with a jaw-dropping, I ran as fast as I could at the other end of the field laughing my arse off in awe and surprise. The driver had a good laugh and stopped for a moment while turning the beast around, giving me a thumb up. 


Otherwise, no incidents besides offering to help a gigantic 6.3 ft, tall guy with beast arms, to unlock his gate ( No, no, I am alright was his laughing reply). 

Then it came on and on and on - that orgasmic cascade sensation when just looking out in the fields and at some trees, it was unstoppable. 


This trip made me rethink a lot of aspects of traveling around with a backpack. I didn't have more than 10 kg in my bag (rain jacket, water, juice, fruits) but I was a bit dead at 9 am when I reached home. 


All in all, this was a very good birthday present and time spent - (post) HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX -






Posted January 1, 2019 · Report post

30th of December. I wake up at 3 pm. not much to do, No direction. I am going to concentrate and meditate. While I was meditating I feel an urge to do some acid. And go into a national park 30 min away with the bus. I want to visit it and trip there for a long time. So I plan to go there on the 31st in the morning. 

-Wait a minute; why not going now. Just pack some water and food and take the bus and go. 

So I did. I took the last bus at 7:30 pm. The next bus to come back will start at 8 A.m.

So from the bus station, I start to walk up another 1 hour and a half till I got up on a hill. There is a tarmac road that leads to a parking lot and from there you have to walk another 0.5 miles till you pass a gate and you are in the national park. 

Great. I got there, I get a nice vision over the motorway and over the city. It's all dark but I have a small lantern and a red flashing bike light. 

So I get under a tree and I prepare. 

First I get the phone SIM card and Sim tray out of the smartphone. I learn my lesson last year when I took 3 tabs of acid on Christmas Eve and I called my mom at 12 O'clock talking nonsense and gibberish. ( I am from Romania, leaving in the UK for 4 years) So, of course, my mom got panic and realise that I am using drugs with all that I told her that I drank a bottle of strong red wine. 

So anyhow. I take the LSD- 4 tabs and a half - and I put my sim card and my sim tray in the plastic bag that I have another 4 tabs of acid left.    I put the phone in a separate pocket in the bag to make it difficult to find in case I lose the control and I will search for it to call people. 

The LSD kicked in pretty quick ( 20-30 min) and I went back to a "safe place"- the gate I've just passed. Sure it's pitch black, cloudy and no moon so cannot see much.  So I stay on this gate for a while with the lantern in my hand keep flashing it and puking. I puke because this acid is so strong that 2 tabs make you puke as the system wants to get rid of it quickly (yes I test it and it is acid).

So after about one hour of leaning on that gate and flashing the torch, I start to see cars coming in that parking lot. Some cars just were turning around and some of them were there to have some sex as I pass a few in my way. Well, I figure it out that I do not want to have contact with people and to not bring attention over me I decided to start walking. And I keep walking down and up following the bush fence. I did this for about another 1 hour and a half, flashing the torch and having that red bike light flashing on my backpack.

Now the fun starts. You see because there are motorways all around the national park, you hear various noises like cars racing each other and all kind of lights.

And I start to see some red, blue and white lights above me. In the beginning, I did not pay attention because I was sure that I am hallucinating. But taking a break from my walk and listen carefully to the noise of an ATV/Quad bikes become more and closer and real. It was a  pattern of engine rev plus a distinctive sound and then the engines were stopped and silence for 2 min or so. Well, I start to shit myself. I know what was that. The police or guard patrol. And they were looking for me. See because I kept flashing that light I alert someone (there are also farms around the park).

Well shit... what am I doing now? Start to discard the LSD from the bag. Because I was so high I first throw out my driving licence and my bank card. Then I start to run in the opposite direction. still flashing that light to see where I am going. But I had no clue where the fuck I am. And the police where coming closer and closer. 

I check my bag again and now I throw out the LSD bag, Unfortunately also the sim card and the sim tray. Also, I lost the torchlight somewhere around this time which I think was the best thing that happened. After that  I reach a point with an electrical transformer which had a light, illuminating the surroundings. I sat there for a while. All my nightmares come into my mind. Like I will call my parents on the new year from jail, and I will fuck my right to get British citizenship ( I should be able to apply for it from July 2019). On the other hand, this fucking LSD is so strong that when your ego dies it's a hell of a battle. I had an ego death on mushrooms but on LSD it's more violent and darker. At one point standing at this electrical transformer and seeing myself in a coffin, my parents, forced to bury me, my father hanging himself and ask for forgiven because I could not help there anymore. Also, I did not want the homeowner or my boss to know I have a connection with illegal substances. 

It was a bit of battle in be: do I want to go to the hospital and take care of me or I do not want to have anything to do with the police or have my name on official papers as this will not help me to get the citizenship. But they used the resources anyhow to get here to you so go to them because you have no fucking Idea where you are. Still, I thought that nothing is official and nobody knows me so I still have chances to get out clear of it. I start to drink quickly 2 litres of water and 0.5 litres of tea to help my body clean the acid in case they will test me for drugs. I was preparing my speech and recall to say nothing without a lawyer and stay quiet for the next 72 hours. All kind of scenes were passing through my mind.  At this moment I just jumped up and start to throw out violently and feel like all my knowledge is pulled out from my brain and I said "2019 is the year I am born again" 


After I waited there for a while and try to meditate while I was waiting to be caught I decided to walk to them. I follow a distinctive sound. And I start to do a high pitch sound. And I keep following the sound. After 10 min I realised that I am following a bird, something like a pheasant I guess. So I said ok. It's good. No signs of police anymore.  I kept passing over many hills and see beautiful hues of different city lights. Now the only light I have was the bike lights which couldn't help much but still was of good use to sight 1 yard away. I still had my phone but because I know I am tripping I refused to take it out of the bag to not lose it. 

I check the time: 3 am. The past 5 hours I was in hell and then pass through purgatory

 I start to come back down. Still, the vision is funny and the trees are talking to me. I hear some quick steps running around me. But I can't see shit. After a while, I realise that I am surrounded by about 30-40 poneys. But they were friendly and calm so they left me to pass over without attacking me. So I start to see again a motorway. 

I start walking towards this motorway clueless of where I am. I just hoped to find a train station. But I lost my card. I had only some change lost in my bag. Maybe £7. Anyhow. I kept walking and after I got in a city at 5 am, instead of looking for the train station or waiting for a bus (which starts at 7 or 8 AM) I decided to walk home. The problem is that there are 17 miles to walk back home. But at 5 am I was still in the walking mood. Sure I walk a bit on the motorway but I did not want to be in danger or worse to have the highway patrol collecting me. So I took a secondary road which made me walk around another 7 miles. On this road, I find out that I can use the Google maps without a sim card for orientation. And also I start to use the phone torch to check signposts and lighting my path.

At 7:30 Am I finally reach the next city and find a bus station. It cost me £4,9 to get home which I was more than happy because I thought I don't have enough money and have to walk another 15 miles back home. My feet start to feel like an extension of my legs which I felt no more. I am full of blisters and, scratches and bruises due hitting a few fences and gates. 

****Total- Approx:

Measure distance

Click on the map to add to your path

Total distance: 26.87 km (16.70 mi)*** Which doesn't seem much taking in consideration that I run 20 km regularly. But being on Acid with safety boots and a bag full of water and food add some weight. 

Got home, got a nice shower, went to sort out my sim card and apply for a new card and driving licence and then try to sleep. But heck, when I closed my eyes all I was seeing were flashing lights. The same with the eyes open. I was still hallucinating at 12 midday. I start to worry that the police will find the LDS bag and my sim card in it and will search for me. Tonight I find the sim card lost in my bag. 

I don't think I will do LSD anymore besides going to a festival maybe. The first time and second time of doing LSD were pretty cool, colourful and enjoyable. But the 3,4,5 and 6th time was nasty. Very nasty, dark and suicidal. 

On one hand, I realise that when the colours and the lights become darker and black is the ego death, the same I felt on 5.35 g of dried mushrooms, but the acid makes your headache and you feel it's toxicity. It's very strange and nauseous. 



Edited by Alex bAlex

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Still June 


I check out with my calendar to see what time I have to be at my barber for a haircut - damn the barber is closed, and reopens in two days. I have no time to have a haircut in two days and attend the ceremony. Stress and frustration and now search for a barbershop available tomorrow. Agggrrr. 

Why so fussy about a specific barbershop? Because when you notice the quality, you cannot go to any other barbershop. It's not all the same. 

However, I managed to get a fair decent one although was more a more generic one but anyway, it got the job done. 

I have ordered a new shirt only to have it deliver it later than expected - agggggg -- go in town and buy another one (which turn out to be very good as I got advice and help in learning how to chose a shirt - size, color, etc.)

Ok, got my haircut, got my shirt, got there on time - only to wait 5 min more in the rain - damn 5  long minutes. 


And here I am, me and a ceremony officer, hearing me giving a pledge to the Queen, her Heirs and to follow the rules :-D 

It took 10 minutes (probably 7 ) from start to finish and I was out of the registry office in a jiffy. That was all? 10 minutes? NO - it was 7 fucking years of stress and runs and money spend and act lawfully to get that piece of paper that certificate my naturalization. 


Phewww, ok, done, now let's apply for a passport, - all good and clear till I hit another wall - you need someone in high function to confirm your identity - DAMN IT !!! Well, I could ask my landlord again for the help, although I avoid him like plague now ( he is asking us - the residents - to keep showing the house to potential housemates, basically to do his work of estate agent - done that for a while as an appreciation that he helped me out but I politely said fuck off after a while and he politely understood and respect me more ;) ). Anyway, after a meditation session I found out who I should ask and this guy was right on the ball helping me out in less than 30 min had all that crap sort it out. 

It's the 2nd of July and my mail looks better than ever before - I got my British passport. In less than 10 days.  


Now I applied for changing my Romanian passport to reflect the abode status in the UK.

"Next available date to present yourself to the consulate - 20th of July. From there your new passport will arrive between 45 and 90 days(or something similar) ".  NO COMMENT! ! ! 




Edited by Alex bAlex

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I got rid of most of my stuff at this moment, sold almost everything I could sell, just waiting to send a pack to my parents with the rest of the stuff- mostly documents and a suit- but I cannot send them till I go to London to apply for my Romanian passport as I need the birth certificate in original. 

Basically, all I want to own is just the necessary stuff to fit in a backpack - 2 passports, a laptop, some clothes, a phone, shoes, towel and toiletries.


Then I am planning to travel the world around.  So far I thought to leave by the 15 of September but the math doesn't match with my dreams.  Yesterday I nailed off another credit card and it's such a good feeling. I have one more left to pay. That is the context that I haven't bought yet a videocam to start to practice some videography, I haven't bought yet the backpack and some traveling clothes, and haven't got any savings for cases of emergency while I will be on the road. 

So a most certain the outcome will be like this - extend the contract here for 3 to 6 months while I am paying the rest of the card, invest a bit and buy some gear ( not that sniffing stuff :)) ).

Another aspect that I want to sort out ASAP before leaving is my teeth. Nothing so bad with them but I need to fix out an old crown and do some alignments plus fittings in a couple of places. The last thing that I need while out there is tooth pain or that crown falling off ( it has happened twice so far).


Overall I am happy that at least now I am able to feel some progress in my life and the most important one is with my finances. The thing that changed a lot this year is for me to join UBER which helped me to have a centralized source of income. When I was working for the local taxi company I never knew what is my real income as money would come from three different sources (cash, pay by card, and pre-pay by the app) at three different times of the week. This made it difficult to keep track of it. 

Another shift became when I listened to the book "The simple path to wealth" by J Collins. Here I learned that I have to do nothing more than set aside 25% of my income NO MATTER WHAT. Week after week adds up and I am grateful for that. Moreover, I start to invest a little bit in crypto but since I start it went all down week after week so it will take a couple of years to bounce back now ( who knows ). Here, as with my saving strategy, the compound effect is more important than the sum invested. By investing every week 100 or 50 in some stock and crypto you can get a nice retirement fund ( obviously this is not legal or financial advice - I am still a shmuck ;)


Edited by Alex bAlex
Week not weak

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just got back from an ecstatic dance session out into the open woods with another 10(ish) people. Was such a great experience and although I didn't reached any woo woo state, the fact that I could dance and express myself free and without inhibition or looking over my shoulder made me release lots of "weight".

Meeting like minded people also gave me a nice endorphins boost. I think there's more than two years when I hugged some and send them love and peace without any expectations. 


Wonderful feeling ❤️

Just be!



Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Loneliness - it hits me. I become more and more numb to interactions. This leads to neediness, people are feeling that, reject me, I close more. Damn. I have no desire to go out and talk to people. I have to have something to talk about and my life sucks a bit. 


I've been delayed regarding my Romanian passport - bureaucracy goes outside of country borders. But it's fine. Next deadline - February. By then I have to be ready to hit the road. 

I want to do some CrossFit or BJJ, but at the same time, I am wondering if it's worthing when I have to work like hell to pull myself out and to develop new skills. Does it really help to be jacked? 


 I eat 5-7 kg of watermelon/ day - who needs meat anymore? 

I am being pulled again in all sorts of directions instead of keeping my eyes on the ball. 


But - I am caffeine-free for 8 days, go to bed early, wake up early, run, swim, do yoga, Seneca, Epictetus + other 8 audiobooks,  - and then I am wondering - does it worth? For what? The way I am doing self-development is very poor. I am operating from a safe environment. 

Today I had thought of going and do some coke with my old buddy - or at least having a smoke - I dropped that very quickly and I had a one-hour yoga session -much better - no guilt or shame afterward :)


Wrote a third letter to my parents and tucked it well in a suitcase with a bunch of other documents, clothes and some gifts for them. Now it has to wait till Sunday to be collected. At least I have done that. I clean my room and wardrobe even more, to the point that I have to buy some clothes. 

It has been a hot week due to a heatwave crossing the country and if I go and shop now for summer clothes in less than a week I have to ditch them as it might start to rain and cool down. Better buy winter clothes - ding!  Even better, don't buy anything till you don't get out of the woods - ding ding ! ! ! Learn to live like a beggar - go out and spend a day or an evening begging in a neighboring city, see how it is... Hmmm ... why not. 

Edited by Alex bAlex

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am messing up with my life again. I'm oversleeping 12 to 16 hours, I eat once every 24 hours and just wasting time. 

Although I haven't done coffee or modafinil or microdosing in the past 2 weeks, I'm still unable to move my ass of the bed. 

Yesterday I slept 13 hours then looking at the ceiling till 5 am when I supposed to wake up. Now I slept 6 hours but I feel sleepy again. I don't even crave for food although it's more than 18 hours since last meal. 


I learn more editing though, however in the midst of the class I keep reaching for phone or browse crap. 


Oh well probably just that downslope again. 



Yes, I see the pattern, I get the hype, ->energetic feeling->dreaming ->desire to learn and explore-> listening to audio books or reading or watching documentary -> a bit of more hype -> and slippery slope down to hell... Let's get out of this...

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Long break from this forum from now on. Not that I've been very active anyway but damn, I'm happy 🌞


Next time...



If you'll going to die today, all your worries will vanish tomorrow ✌🏾


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0