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Alex bAlex

Self Talk

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What the F is up guys and gals? I'm back. I've missed this forum for the past 6 months. 

So why I am back? 

Because undoubtedly this is the best therapy forum that you can heal yourself PERIOD! \

Tried some counselling sessions with two counsellors and I  felt like I was giving them lessons about life :)) 

I know, I am cocky, but I am aware of it :)


Oh well, as the title says I will just talk to myself here, if you want to post, feel free, just don't troll around. 


Let's start this thread with something about happiness. You can find the  rest of the podcast here


If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?

You can increase your happiness without losing your drive

Naval: “Happiness is for stupid people.” That’s a common complaint I hear from smart overachievers. They think only dumb or lazy people can be happy. Entrepreneurs will say, “I don’t want to be happy because I want to be successful.” They worry that if they get too happy they’ll lose their desire and won’t work hard anymore.

Can you increase happiness without losing your drive?

Like everything else, there is some truth to this. Generally, the more intelligent you are, the more you can see behind the façade of everyday life being easy or safe. You see all the risks and downsides—the calamities that await us. You see the cynicism and manipulation behind so many things portrayed as being good for you or society. You become cynical, and you signal your intelligence through cynicism. Very smart people often communicate in purely cynical observations.

It’s OK to not want to be happy. But we’re going to explore whether you can increase your happiness without significantly lowering your drive or intellect.

Let’s take the first objection: “I’m not happy because I’m smart.” This is partially true. You are unhappy partially because you know and understand too much. You’ve been exposed to too much. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy and retain your intelligence.

Figuring out the truth will lead to happiness

But don’t get it backwards: You’re not smart because you’re unhappy; you’re unhappy because you’re smart. You can be happy and smart—it’s just going to take more work. The good news is, smart people are good at figuring out the truth. The more you dig into certain deep truths, the freer and more peaceful you will become. That peace will lead to happiness.

If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy? I absolutely believe that is true. The beauty of being mentally high functioning in our society is that you can trade it for almost anything. If you’re smart, you can figure out how to be healthy within your genetic constraints and how to be wealthy within your environmental constraints.

If you’re smart, you can figure out how to be happy within your biological constraints. But your biological constraints are a lot larger than you might think.

The dynamic range of happiness is quite large

If you’ve ever gotten drunk or achieved an altered state of mind on psychedelic drugs or through meditation, breathing or other hypnotic techniques, you have experienced brief moments of happiness beyond what you feel on a typical day.

Of course, some of this is a fake, pleasure-driven happiness. But there’s truth to it; otherwise, you wouldn’t desire that state.

Achieving these brief states of happiness can show you how dynamic your range is—and that range can be quite large.

How do you nudge yourself in that direction on a perpetual basis, as opposed to visiting it by stunning your mind into submission and silence?



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Just start to get a bit deeper into Vagabonding -the book and the activity - and my imagination is sparking. Got goosebumps a dozen times this week thinking about all the possibilities of travelling around. And I hope this year I can make it happen, less the coronavirus will be a stopping point. 


So yeah, as usual in the past six months I had to battle some depressive episodes with suicidal thoughts, nothing serious but scary nonetheless. However, I get to understand that this is part of working on my self. I took no chance and I had asked for help and counselling only to realise that I am fine. I am very very fine comparing with what the hack is going around the world. When I told my counsellor about discipline and daily routines they thought I am nuts - well, yes, yes... :)

I would say that I am more lazy than depressed and that is because I kind of lacked purpose and motivation - not anymore my friends because I am on a journey around the world. 

No, I will not start tomorrow but if everything falls in place I hope by September to be ready by. Looking at the situation with Covid it might be that I will have to wait till March next year but fuck it - I am burning with desire to do it, and I know I have things to sort out beforehand like visas and teaching myself new skills plus mapping my journey. 


Oh well, I feel good although I slept only 3 hours today. 

Peace and love 


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What do I believe? 




All this weekend I have watched street epistemology after I saw this guy on Leo's blogposts. And I love what I see, this guy inspired me in some way but also made me wonder - what do I believe in? I do not belong to any group (besides this forum), religion, sect, or organisation. I don't pray to Allah, Jesus, Moses, or Vishnu. 

Do I  believe in Karma? - I was :) - till I saw this clip. If I got something out of this guy is that  I, like many others, don't really know what I mean when I use the majority of the terms to describe whatever I feel or want to say. 

Just like this girl I believed that if you do good things, good things will happen to you - however, Anthony has a very good point - If you do good things and bad things happen to you, is that still karma? 


Meanwhile, I took the word karma off and restate my belive like "whatever your volition/ intention of your mind is, you will attract those things in your life" 

Pretty much the same %&(& 

So here I am in a faith crisis I should say. 


Now I am wondering, is belief necessary to survive? 


Sill I believe that my meditation practise helps me to keep a high level of awareness and get connected with the universe (however you want to define that ), I believe that we are one (although my level of consciousness sometimes dropped and this belief becomes flimsy), I believe that what you put in your body affects the way you behave an interact...


Damn, if you ignore self-reflection and inquiry for a while, the level of your belief diminish. 

Better start with some easy exercise and define what those words mean. 

Karma (car-ma) is a word meaning the result of a person's actions as well as the actions themselves. It is a term about the cycle of cause and effect. According to the theory of Karma, what happens to a person, happens because they caused it with their actions.

Karma is often misconstrued as the universal principle of cause and effect. Our actions, both good and bad, come back to us in the future, helping us to learn from life’s lessons and become better people. In religions that include reincarnation, karma extends through one's present life and all past and future lives as well.[1] (car-ma) is,caused it with their actions.

Belief - an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof.

Faith - strong belief in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual conviction rather than proof / complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Ideology - a system of ideas and ideals, especially one which forms the basis of economic or political theory and policy.

Dogma - 

1a: something held as an established opinion especially: a definite authoritative tenet

b: a code of such tenets //pedagogical dogma

c: a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate grounds

2: a doctrine or body of doctrines concerning faith or morals formally stated and authoritatively proclaimed by a church

Hope - a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.



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Posted (edited)

The topic of free will it's fucking with my mind for a couple of days and I cannot get rid of it. I cannot understand if I have free will or not. If I don't why bother. But who decided to write those words? 


Edit - ok - 1000 hours of self observation to breakthrough the illusions

There's no free will - you cannot control and predict your thoughts. But there's nothing random about this system. 

Fuck me, I am having another crisis. 

Edited by Alex bAlex

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I start to gain more confidence as I let it go and just step back and observe, not running towards something or rushing to it. I cannot do it for long periods of time but that's fine. 

I can see the benefits of meditations in dealing with addictions, especially tobacco, alcohol and other powdery stuff :). I am able to observe the urge inside, that craving of escaping and at the same time I feel very strong while I take a step back and ask myself "WHY?" At that moment the urge just disappears. I cannot find a good reason to numb myself. It doesn't worth it. It's a waste of time. I have more to gain by reading a book or watch a good video than just ... 

Yes, I am happy, even at peace, I should say after I read this post.  Thank you! 


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Ok, I have half of the equipment, I need another half of it plus software and lot of hours to learn the skills necessary to push me forward. It's scary but I can do it. If I can dream about it, it will become reality. 

Excited nonetheless ?????

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Got the feeling that I am a fraud. Or even better said, that I am a jerk. 

I abandoned everyone in my life because of fear of responsibility, which I felt like a heavy stone. Now when all my friends are calling me back and ask about me even after years of silence, I can see that there was nothing wrong with them, and all wrong with me. 

Momentarily I am free, I have no friends, I cut contact with my parents or other relatives and I have no desire to contact them. 

Yes I am free, but also wondering in the dark without anyone to lit up a light and guide me. 


Still, I love freedom more. 


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A bit out of place at the moment. The day went pretty good till one colleague aks me if I want to go to for a run. Not running anymore but training to skate so invite him to join me. 

"How's going on, all good? "

"Nah, a friend of mine committed suicide..."

Pokerface ? couldn't say too much. What could I say. Don't really know what to say. 

But we went for a ride around the city at the golden hour with another colleague of him, and talk some different topics and cheer him up a bit. 


Personally I am just a cold unemotional coward, but I am sad about this guy's life as it's not the first time when it happens to him, as he had another one or two closed friends end it up in the same tragic way. 


Big headache ?



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Posted (edited)

Positive vibes and a cool day so far. Done some cooking, chat with some lovely people, saw some not so lovely people and I learned how to skate in 5 days. Well, that's just partially, because I am still not confident enough to go on the road as my breaking techniques are not very solid. Oh well, keep practice and in 10.000 hours I'll master it. 

Sounds a bit immature to start learning to rollerblade in the 30s but it's so much fun and meet with awesome people. Plus the exercise aspect of it is doing wonders for your body. And overall I have a bigger plan for this which I hope will see its fruits by autumn, giving that COVID will "disappear" (to quote a famous president). 

Regarding my colleague, he's alright, just had a bit of time with him and listen. That's what you have to do when the push comes to shove and find yourself in strange emotional situations - just listen. .


Edited by Alex bAlex

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To expand on observation - projection - discovering my needs. Happy holidays :)



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First, question formation - it seems that I keep making the same unconscious mistake when I try to pose a question  ->1 Question Word 2. Helping Verb  3. Subject, 4. Main Verb (usually base form), & 5. The rest of the sentence (if any.) formation in English is,and then the helping verb.)

Second, I had no time to expand on what I was planning due to too much excitement bouncing in me. Hopefully next week I will take a couple of hours to deload myself - I just have to clear what I had on my chest in the past 6 months. 

 Otherwise, I managed to skate on the road without falling or being hit by a car - yeey :)


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Clearing Up



So what has happened in the past 6 or so months - failings and achievements 



It's Halloween and I throw a great party with all the members of the house, having fun getting a bit tipsy and worst starting to smoke - "only this time - only this one" voice inside my head is luring me into temptation and I am hooked. Once a week, then once every couple of days and soon enough a couple of times a day.  Why? Stressed - maybe, addicted - sure. I was watching myself, destroying mysef and running from doing any type of work - literally - I was starting running instead of working out (callisthenics) just because it was too cold or too rainy or too this or that - I was becoming too soft again - FUCK! 


The second lockdown is hitting the UK and I have to take a break from work again - stressed out max, with bills to pay, I get a bit of relief in weed and tobacco but it's short-lived. "This doesn't work - I have to put in more effort," I told myself before embracing the challenge and bought a marketing course, register my business, designing my website and ready to go - or so I thought. 


Ok, now I am the director of my digital marketing company,  I have all the system at hand - the contract is ready, the service is in place, website up and running, I "know what I am doing " because I am an expert in my field, business phone line is active and I have a big list of prospects. 

Initially, I thought it will take me a while to get through 100 potential clients - 3 hours in and I was wasting over 15 phone calls already. 

Last year, when I was reading about someone stating that he is making 200 calls per day I was like "yeah big deal" - now I know that indeed it is a BIG DEAL.

Dude, is 9 AM and I am ready, I pick up the phone and I dial the number and watch - watch the screen because I had not to press the call button - "what am I gonna say, what should I do, ok Alex just breath deep and get energised - fuck, let's have a cigarette".  For 30 minutes I was watching how fucking coward I was like a --- wow I cannot believe I cannot do this! - I am a fraudster ( impostor syndrome)   

Sure, I made the phone call, stumble some words and hang up. The same went with the rest of 10, by the 12th I was already knowing my script. By the 17th I was drained out and called it day. 

So if you SHMUCK are keep pointing fingers and bitching about people how are making money, you have no fucking clue what emotional labour is going through that guy or gal. Now not to say it's over-exaggerated hard or impossible, it becomes easy with practice but it takes GUTS!!! 

So I keep trying to do this for a week, then the lockdown ease for a couple of weeks and I had to get back on the road to make a buck, pay bills and work on my business at the same time. Then it hit me- "why not put everyone on the email list in a mail automation and whoever needs your service will get in touch? " 

Great - let's do it - --- and so I put 200 prospects into an email sequence, 150 got rejected or got into spam, 45 told me to stop sending them a lot of unsolicited emails 4 swear me and 1 replied - WOOOHHOOO I had got a customer - well she didn't qualify in the end but that didn't stop me to put another 200 people on my mail list. 

The next morning my email box  was full - OF SPAMMING REPORTS AND MY EMAIL ADDRESS WAS TEMPORARY BLOCKED - Nice :)  

Lesson  - there are no shortcuts - you have to put in the work !!!! 


And pretty much my business career stopped by the end of December when the subscriptions start overwhelming me and I had no time to do quality prospecting work while working my 9-9 ( yeah it's not 9-5 as I have to work double for the same money now ). Well, never mind that was an experience in itself. 


The winter is here, the holiday season is depressing as fuck as it happens every year for me, I am pretty much a sore loser starting to give up on nutrition and now smoking weed. Obviously, the dark thoughts have to creep in. I try to stay as positive as I can but the episodes of depression are hitting hard. Parents keep buzzing my phone every week now - JUST TO CHECK  - WHAT THE FUCK TO CHECK  - I AM STILL THE SAME SHMUCK SORE LOSER TRYING TO SURVIVE IN A LOCKDOWN!!!!!  

Oh well, by 14 or so of January, I quit smoking, thew out my leftover tobacco, weed, rolling papers and all that has to do with any stimulants. I stop drinking coffee for a while and I get my nutrition back. Also start working out again. And I feel better, there is hope at the end of the road. 


Meditation habit is getting a bit harder but nothing overwhelming, just a bit more effort to put in, otherwise 60-70 min on the cushion every day helped me stay a bit more present than many others these days. Till one day at the beginning of February when after I meditate I just crawl on my yoga mat and start crying like a mad man, for 10 or 20 min. I was hopeless, without a meaning.  Is this what you get from meditation? I have more than a year and a couple of months of daily hour practice under my belt but  I cannot feel anything significant - or maybe suicidal thoughts are the significant sign - maybe my ego is dying slowly and sometimes I feel down. 

Dark thoughts are creating in again ... 


....and again I am making a comeback full of hope after I find out about Alex Becker's free courses....

plus I have self-shaved my head and feel happy :) On a call with my parents afterwards and my mom is ostracizing me for going bald, while my father is happy and telling me " I would like to do the same but she (mom) doesn't let me do it "  - and I am like- " that you suck - because you care of what she's telling you - that's why you're a fucking BETA MALE " Inside me, I am crying because of his long life nice guy conditioning :( Sorry dad! 


By the end of February, I am watching LIFE IN A DAY PART II  and I get down again especially after I watched the scene starting at 28:00 or so 



Ok, it's time to call for help ! ! !

So I have done some research and got an account on some therapy site where people are flushing their PhDs or tell you they are doing this for 50 years or so blah blah blah.... Ok, whatever.... 

So I start talking and described my schedule, routines, etc It didn't take me long to find out that the people on the other side had not much of a clue what I am talking about. So I changed my counsellor, going through the same process and have a video call.... Was a nice 40 min chat and that was it. I hang it up and got back straight to ACTUALIZED.ORG  Fucking man, I just realised how lucky I am to have the understanding capacity that I have {still, I am aware that I  don't know a lot of things but when I come in contact with some people I feel SMART :))  } and to find this place and Leo's teachings ( if I can call them that way). Nevermind. 


It's the 8th of March and I am battling a war against myself a day after another freshly shaved head (in hindsight I can see that I was preparing for a while for what it is to come)  - It's the 8th of March and in my country of origin, they are celebrating Mother's day as well as International Women's Day. 

It's the 8th of March 2021 and I haven't talked to my parents for 3 weeks. 

In the afternoon I start receiving messages - "It's the 8th of March ....." " Have you forgot anything ....?"  "Are you ok? " " Have you been to the hospital?" 

"Answer, say something " 


All this in a span of 3 hours or so, the phone started ringing uninterrupted after 2 hours. 

That was the straw that broke the camel's back


 I got dressed up, went out take the phone and press record. " Damn, this is harder than I thought"

Can't finish my video, some group of teens are gathering around to watch the sunset, I take a picture instead. 

Change locations - take 2 - babbling and trying to get some words out - not good, try again. 

Take 3 - I have to make this one as the battery is at 3 %  and the calls are kept disturbing me in the background even with the silent mode on so it has to be quick. 

And it was - 1 minute 47, the last video that I send it to my parents, thanking them for everything that provides me for, sacrifice, and education and explain that I have chosen to go on a different route from now on without anything to reproach/scoled. "Please do not waste your time trying to contact me, I'll be back in a year or two or five" 

1% and I plug my phone into the car charger -  it doesn't charge but it keeps it alive. 

I sent the picture and receive the message back "write something" 

I had to wite nothing but waited for the video message to be sent and then I blocked both of their numbers. 


I start shaking and took some deep breaths.  I drive home and I still don't realise what I have done. Writing about this experience in my counsellor journal, he starts telling me about healthy boundaries - yes dude I know, but they don't! 


"So, Alex, how are you feeling now?"   ---------------------------------FREE--------------------------------------

WITHOUT a doubt, mom was fucking my mind BIG BIG BIG time. All my life was geared towards them and how to make them happy, and no matter what I was doing, they were just sad and miserable because their desires were never fulfilled.  I noticed this big time when I went home 18 months ago when my mom thought that me being there would make her happy - that was true for the first 4 days, then guess what - she was living in misery because I was going to live in 10 days.  I don't know if I should laugh or be sad - better be happy. 


It's the 9th of March and I am still wondering and reflect on what the fuck I have done. But I feel better! I stand up for myself and don't let anyone destroy me. And then I got an email - HOME OFFICE -"We are pleased to announce that your application for becoming a British Citizen has been accepted and if you will be a good boy till the official ceremony will take place you will have the right to a British passport" 


YEEEHHHAAAAA and another chapter of my life are just about to start - am I free to dream again, I am free to create the life I want, I am free to travel and hope again. 

Since then my mind is full of plans and creative outfits which will come soon enough and that shows me how much time I have lost trying to please people in my life and never fully lived mine. Got a pair of rollerblades straight away and today was my 3rd day in the streets with full traffic and manage it very well. That is part of a bigger plan of mine which I am dreaming day and night about it now. 

Plus today I annihilate one of my credit card - 2 more to go!  

I am so fucking happy guys!!!! 




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How other communities are living their lives  - amazing :)


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I am getting more and more often in a state of observation, seeing people around me and their behaviour, worries, needs, running around for nothing while trying to petty justify their actions and nonetheless, I see them craving for power, lust, sex and that's move visible due to lockdown. 

But then I was wondering, - if I am one and everything else is me, how do I know that this is not just my projections, my needs, wants, and unfulfilled desires? 



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On 4/12/2021 at 4:50 PM, Alex bAlex said:

And then I got an email - HOME OFFICE -"We are pleased to announce that your application for becoming a British Citizen has been accepted and if you will be a good boy till the official ceremony will take place you will have the right to a British passport" 

I was wondering a while back how that was going. That’s good to hear. I’m happy for you. Congratulations!!!??? 

"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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