It's All Write

[mandyjw]

@Esilda Thank you! I mediate, typically just 15 minutes in the morning, sometimes extra sessions or longer. Deep breathing definitely helps, I also love running and time in nature. What also helps is realizing that we don't need to be peaceful, but deeper peace is just something inherent, whether something is going horribly wrong or we're laughing hysterically or excited. So the peace we see in others is just a state, borrowed from that deeper peace that we already are. Also, if it's not in you, you would be able to appreciate it in another. 

As for on camera, lots of practice, doing the running or deep breathing first, and just tapping into the inspiration of what you really want to express. In the warmer parts of the year I like going for hikes later in the day and recording after walking for a mile or so. 

[mandyjw]

Hurl.

Ok, so I really was doing good focusing on a subject and then BAM. Not good. Not good at all. 

Let it go. 

Hmm..

A thought just came to me. My frustration with people who can't do this. Who can't just talk, or express what's going on. Dare I ask, is this a unique gift? Do I expect that my unique gifts (oh jeez this is sounding narcissistic) are just givens for everyone else? 

Yes. 

So if the universe gives you wisdom, or love, or humor, or whatever, you still have the ability to take it for granted. 

Yes. 

So these aren't actually my gifts, yet they are, because I can throw them away at the drop of the hat, which I have done in my noticing that others aren't embodying them, I'm not embodying them. DID YOU MAKE ME WALK INTO A DOOR LAST NIGHT?

You literally walked into an open door. 

The irony did not hit me until now.

That's because you hit the door... that was already open. Walked straight into it with your head. 

GAHHHH!!!! 

 

[mandyjw]

I'm jealous of men. They seem to be able to just not give a shit. They can act like the most atrocious devils and just not give a shit. Make money, charge money, just say fuck it to everything else. Build something and not care what sort of mark it leaves behind. Troll people into taking psychopath tests. *cough ahem*

No one cares how you feel.

Yeah, Chris, no one gives a rat's ass. I got your message. 

The feeling is the caring. Already.

I'm in the business of walking into open doors. 

Seems like a comfortable story doesn't it? 

Not really. There's a bruise on my forehead and it hurts every time I raise my eyebrows. 

Then why tell it? 

Because it's my reality.

Alright. You convinced me. 

So if you had the freedom you perceive men having, how would you use it? 

To heal emotions, to heal the earth. 

What was the insight you had about fire ants? 

That they are an invasive threat that protects against another worse one for humans. Are you saying this shit, this is all part of the plan? It seems fucked up.

It's not to the author. 

I'm sick of submitting. 

What's the other meaning of submit? 

To give your finished work to someone, to let go. GODDAMN IT, I'M OK AS I AM. 

 

[mandyjw]

"It hurts every time I raise my eyebrows." Who writes this shit?  

[Esilda]

On 12/09/2021 at 9:59 PM, mandyjw said:

@Esilda Thank you! I mediate, typically just 15 minutes in the morning, sometimes extra sessions or longer. Deep breathing definitely helps, I also love running and time in nature. What also helps is realizing that

I have to run outside more often as well, we have beautiful landscapes that aren't too far away I'm just so used to running on a treadmill 

On 12/09/2021 at 9:59 PM, mandyjw said:

we don't need to be peaceful, but deeper peace is just something inherent,

Wow that's insightful  . I'm not especially chatty at the moment... 

On 12/09/2021 at 9:59 PM, mandyjw said:

whether something is going horribly wrong or we're laughing hysterically or excited. So the peace we see in others is just a state, borrowed from that deeper peace that we already are. Also, if it's not in you, you would be able to appreciate it in another. 

As for on camera, lots of practice, doing the running or deep breathing first, and just tapping into the inspiration of what you really want to express. In the warmer parts of the year I like going for hikes later in the day and recording after walking for a mile or so. 

I've never thought about starting a YouTube channel, I don't think I'm wise enough yet. What was your biggest motivator for starting and what drives you these days?  

[mandyjw]

@Esilda I started the channel years ago before it evolved into what it is. Just really wanted to express my thoughts and share. That urge has always been with me, I love deep conversations and making people question things. I went back and forth between writing and videos for a while. I started out the channel talking about minimalism and financial independence topics but what I really wanted to talk about underlying those topics was spirituality, so then it evolved into spirituality. Once I directly decided to focus there, so many things seemed to fall into place.  

I honestly enjoy making the videos, and they improve my understanding when I focus on subject or work to explain something to others, it deepens and changes my own understanding. I love the community aspect. It enhances online connections with people because you have to really put yourself out there rather than hiding behind an avatar. You can communicate nuances through voice and facial expression that don't translate through writing. I can edit and edit and make a piece of writing fantastically clear, and that has its benefit but there's something raw and honest about the video format. 

Sounds strange and totally against the theory of what I teach but I love playing a person. I spend most of my time alone and it starts to feel very dull, like I'm not really reaching, exploring or trying. I started to wonder if making visual art was letting the language part of my brain die. I would and still will just drop sentences and lose the thought mid speaking. Showing up for others and putting all my thoughts and insights together to make something new is incredibly fulfilling and gives me energy. It also requires letting go of a lot of thoughts about myself I don't like in order for something else shine through. 

Edited September 14, 2021 by mandyjw

[Zigzag Idiot]

@mandyjw I remember giving you encouragement to continue with making YouTube’s even though at the time you were saying things I didn’t really agree with. It was maybe a couple of years ago. One reason I did was because I saw in you a willingness to put yourself out there. That was a courageous willingness that I didn’t have. And still don’t really.
I’ve let go of the inner criticism to push beyond my comfort zone in that regard though, and let go of the idea that I need to be a more polished speaker who is comfortable in front of the camera.
Hearing Martin Butler confess his reluctance for being in front of the camera kind of made this notion click for me. So it’s definitely possible that I’m seen as a hypocrite instead of being comfortable with paradox but I care less of what others think of me as time goes on which is a huge improvement from being a lifelong people pleaser.

I feel I’m speaking my inner truth when I claim that what’s true and good for me might not be true and good for you and vice versa. So seeing you continue with expressing your inner truth in your own way encourages me to continue expressing my inner truth in my own way. 
In case there are any Zen Devils or know-it-all’s reading this who feel compelled to lecture me regarding the idea of separate self, it should be known that I still carry a permit allowing me to use personal pronouns as freely as I choose even though technically or in appearance the “I” may be only an “i” and only one of the crew members aboard this ship of fools who fight over the helm and act as spokesperson when given a chance.

As Leo said concerning some of his videos 2 or 3 years ago which I will paraphrase. 
,,,,This doesn’t need to be taken literally. This is poetry. Abstraction abounds somewhat here,,,,,

[mandyjw]

@Zigzag Idiot For sure, I've found that what I want to do and have no resistance to I will (at my worst) deem bad or unworthy of my time, and what I don't want to be doing and see others doing turns into some other should or failing that I'm not doing it.  We're so bad to ourselves. Perhaps you would want to start a blog someday? Just an idea. I've found your knowledge and familiarity with teachers and practices very unique and helpful. Your journal has a lot to offer. 

 

[mandyjw]

On 3/14/2021 at 2:37 PM, mandyjw said:

I feel horrible. I've been holding a bunch of really awful feeling perspectives for a while, and sometimes thinking of oneself as someone who should and does "know better" or who should be above that makes it much worse. I feel incredibly isolated and boxed in. (Yeah, that's not actual just disconnection from Source, you should be above this, blah blah.)

The location is which I live is either heaven on earth or complete fucking hell, hello mid March! (There's no time or location ,YOU should know better, bitch, blah blah blah). 

I tried meditating this morning. My son sat on me. He has been getting up super early (5:30) and ruining my meditation sessions every single morning. I've been trying to explain to him that I need the time, but he doesn't get it. He is autistic, and though he is very sweet, he is incredibly immature for his age. Yesterday he bothered me so bad, mid meditation I threw my cell phone as hard as I could into the laundry room and somehow it didn't break. It just bounced, and the case came off completely. (You're telling shitty stories, you should know better, bitch, blah blah blah.) 

Tried Wim Hof breathing today and my chest felt so bad I could even do it. So I tried to zone out and about five minutes later my daughter came in because she missed me. (You should feel loved, blah, blah, blah) 

I feel so boxed in, that a lot of not great thoughts of how to get out of this place and this situation are coming up. Should I book a plane ticket or buy a gun? (You just made a fucking video about that, you imposter, what the fuck ya doing? blah, blah, blah) 

I seriously just think this creation thing was a bad idea. I know I've had this conversation before, but I just don't think it was worth it. (What does your name mean? Worth-y of love? Blah blah, blah) 

What's the difference between the voice of Source and my inner critic? (Nonduality!)

Well isn't THAT really fucking convenient. Convenient. Wasn't that where the other conversation went? Etymology helps you go general. Specifics suck when you're in bitch rather than Source mode. 

convenient (adj.)

late 14c., "fit, suitable, proper; affording accommodation; opportune, favorable," from Latin convenientem (nominative conveniens), present participle of convenire "to come together, meet together, assemble; unite, join, combine; agree with, accord; be suitable or proper (to)," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + venire "to come" (from a suffixed form of PIE root *gwa- "to go, come").

Oh right it all fits together, like a puzzle or fucking humpty dumpty, when the world was split into duality, but still it's just a fucking story and never happened. 

 

Did I create a God so I could spend a few years fearing and revering him, and then, finding all the ways I can blaspheme against it? I think so. The fear and revere was the original blaspheme. 

Now I'm comparing myself to Zigzag (who is not an idiot). Sitting here in self judgment of this crazy insane journal, that I tried to lay by the wayside but the forum data loss and other circumstances brought back to life. I particularly remember this entry, because of the way I parenthesized and wrote out the self judgement. The fury with which I wrote that and how it just lifted. Stream of consciousness writing. Whew! 

I came to this journal to write a realization, I already AM a heinous bitch. I ALREADY choose Source over trying to be nice. Like the masculine behavior that I don't like and feel inferior to that I journaled about above (and Beth, that fucking BITCH! She never even called me back.) And it's ok. 

Damn it, is Beth gonna call me now that I cleaned up this vibration around her? I mean, I don't want to talk to her, and I also don't want her to ignore my message. We are FUCKED EITHER WAY. (Unconditionally Loved) 

 

 

Edited September 15, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

The end of this above entry made me laugh so hard my abs hurt. The similarity between the perspective of being fucked either way and being unconditionally loved... Jesus.

That's a good example. 

How am I supposed to explain this? Jesus tried.

How to get the message a cross? Is that what you're asking?

No please don't, it hurts to laugh. 

And raise your eyebrows? 

I'm fucked either way!

Unconditionally loved. 

Edited September 15, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 

[Esilda]

On 14/09/2021 at 11:08 PM, mandyjw said:

@Esilda I started the channel years ago before it evolved into what it is. Just really wanted to express my thoughts and share. That urge has always been with me, I love deep conversations and making people question things. I went back and forth between writing and videos for a while. I started out the channel talking about minimalism and financial independence topics but what I really wanted to talk about underlying those topics was spirituality, so then it evolved into spirituality. Once I directly decided to focus there, so many things seemed to fall into place.  

You're so much more independently minded than me what an inspiration!  

On 14/09/2021 at 11:08 PM, mandyjw said:

I honestly enjoy making the videos, and they improve my understanding when I focus on subject or work to explain something to others, it deepens and changes my own understanding. I love the community aspect. It enhances online connections with people because you have to really put yourself out there rather than hiding behind an avatar. You can communicate nuances through voice and facial expression that don't translate through writing. I can edit and edit and make a piece of writing fantastically clear, and that has its benefit but there's something raw and honest about the video format. 

I never really thought about starting a channel until now I think it would be real boost to my confidence  , even just a place to practice my talking  . I'd like to take on less of a follower role but I struggle with the speaking confidence with other people. You're so articulate and you say your ideas really well!  (plus obviously no script!)

On 14/09/2021 at 11:08 PM, mandyjw said:

Sounds strange and totally against the theory of what I teach but I love playing a person. I spend most of my time alone and it starts to feel very dull, like I'm not really reaching, exploring or trying. I started to wonder if making visual art was letting the language part of my brain die. I would and still will just drop sentences and lose the thought mid speaking. Showing up for others and putting all my thoughts and insights together to make something new is incredibly fulfilling and gives me energy. It also requires letting go of a lot of thoughts about myself I don't like in order for something else shine through. 

Would you describe yourself as enlightened? That's just a really striking statement to me, "playing a person"  . 

I really enjoyed reading your response thx for taking the time to write it and checking out your latest video now!  

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

I never really thought about starting a channel until now I think it would be real boost to my confidence  , even just a place to practice my talking  . I'd like to take on less of a follower role but I struggle with the speaking confidence with other people. You're so articulate and you say your ideas really well!  (plus obviously no script!)

Yes, DO IT! It really does help you to express yourself in conversation and in other ways too. Thank you!

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

Would you describe yourself as enlightened? That's just a really striking statement to me, "playing a person"  . 

Sorry if this is an annoying answer, but I see everything and everyone appearing in the light of itSelf. So there are no enlightened selves, only Self which is the Light. 

 

[mandyjw]

I have an antique Windsor chair my Mom got at a yard sale for $5, and I want to turn it into an art project, but knowing the relative value and history makes me hesitate. Similar to an old bureau that I'm also redoing right now. I have some beginning stage fantastic visions for them, rather than simply refinishing them with a honey colored stain. It makes me worry that I'm ruining them. Some crazy nutcase crafty lady got hold of a piece of history and there it goes. 

Huh. 

I have the notion that I have something of value even though it's a currently just covered in dust and taking space in the garage... something I'm not currently enjoying, and not personally valuing. I think it has value to others and to the world, therefore I am blocked from changing it and creating it into something that brings me joy. Giving value to thought over feeling, isn't true value. 

How do you give the proper value to things? We're a child rolling a gold ring around the floor until it rolls under an appliance and is promptly forgotten. The ring both has value to the child that no one else sees, value as an exploration of physics, as a plaything and at the same time, it has no value. Our value is like this. It's not the value we think is inherent in the gold ring, the value based on others judgements and knowledge of it. 

Oh damn.

Last night I dreamed some alternate reality that my husband was with some other woman, and she was the type of woman I figured he'd have ended up with if he wasn't with me. She was overweight (ok I'm a bitch) and I was there observing everything as myself, but no one thought it was strange. Dreams. She was talking about the relationship and said she lost weight in a can't eat can't sleep way, and I then knew and said "that means you're in love." Then I went with her alone for a trip in a car. And then I realized just how beautiful she was. And she sang something, and I'd never heard a more beautiful voice. The way she ended, I don't even know how, was just ethereally beautiful, like nothing I've ever heard before. I always thought, "he should have ended up with some fat church girl who could sing and cook and clean well." And I realized I loved her, and I loved him, and he wasn't even mine anymore. I knew I could lay claim to him if I wanted, but now that he wasn't mine to claim. I didn't really know what to do. 

I think my psyche was trying to undo the ownership or commitment. Trying to let him go and actually, really, truly love him for the first time, like there is no time. I felt like I had stolen him away from someone, even though I hadn't this entire time. Myself. I had stolen him away from myself. 

On waking, it was one of those dreams that so emotionally hits you. Like the dream I had when I was 14 and realized that I really fucking loved him. Your perception is altered. They become someone entirely new.  I realized I'd never met him before, never seen him before. Wanting what I couldn't have from the man I had thought was mine. I realized I created the woman in the dream, that she was me. How much he loves me unconditionally, even though I'm a bitch, even when I gain extra flubber in the winter, he doesn't care at all. I talked to him about joining a chorus together a while ago. He taught me how to sing, he was the only person who ever bothered. I remember feeling the resonance with his voice singing the same note and what magic it was.

He asked what I wanted for my birthday, so I told him this morning. "A stainless steel microwave with an add 30 second button." He hates, hates our  microwave, mostly because it doesn't have an add 30 seconds button and we've fought about it for years. I wouldn't let him buy one while the old one was working for such a trivial reason. Now I want one in stainless steel and I join him in trivial reasons. 

trivial (adj.)

"ordinary" (1580s); "insignificant, trifling" (1590s), from Latin trivialis "common, commonplace, vulgar," literally "of or belonging to the crossroads," from trivium "place where three roads meet," in transferred use, "an open place, a public place," from tri- "three" (see three) + via "road" (see via). The sense connection is "public," hence "common, commonplace."

Funny, to really love your partner you have to realize that who you thought there were... is dead, and gone. They have no value to you, and you none for them. When I was a teenager I used to read my Bible and think, I shouldn't get married, I should give my life to God. I should be a missionary. But I didn't. I made money, I wanted things,  and I got married. I let go of the religion. What did I get? Now I realize, that this was never an either or decision. The whole time Source was like, you can have you cake and eat it too. Everything, everything you want is yours, when you see that you can't have and don't want any of it. Awareness is the ultimate Whore and the ultimate Virgin, simultaneously. In Christianity, we have both, both Marys, the virgin and the whore. 

"This name may have come from a root meaning “beloved,” or from a word meaning “bitter” or “rebellious,” a reference to the biblical Miriam's life as a slave in Egypt." https://www.google.com/search?q=mary+meaning&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS721US722&oq=mary+meaning&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i512l9.1748j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Mary, marry. Oh JESUS you've got to be kidding. 

Thought can't keep up with This. It's too alive, too fluid, dynamic, energetic. You see just a trace, a flash of light across the sky. The light from stars that no longer exist keeps pouring it's way to earth. You see what is dead as alive. You see what is alive as dead. 

Who wasn't disturbed when they realized that they had tears pouring down their face at the death of an imaginary character in a book? Who didn't question how that was possible? 

Last night I Facebook stalked a girl who went to the Christian school with my husband, then highschool with us. She is lesbian and I realized just how fucking beautiful she is, just really naturally authentically beautiful, and how beautiful her relationship is.. with some fat woman. How unapologetically her she is. Ah that's where it came from. And how much crap she has gone through, how much judgement she has shirked off and ignored, to be with the person she really loves. 

I didn't want to buy those damn LOVE grocery bags with a rainbow flag. No one else did either. The store ran out of all the designs, but had plenty of that one. Why? I liked it well enough. I agreed with what it stood for. But I didn't want other people to think things about me. 

My dad said yesterday that realizing this enlightenment stuff was like losing your comfort, your teddy bear. And I said it was just the opposite, it was the realization that love you felt for the bear and the imagination than an object could love you that you entertained as a child, were still as real and alive as ever. The love is the only thing that ever had any reality at all. 

The seer creates the seen. 

The reason God has the whole world in his hands is because he has no hands. He has no hands, and yet he is the creator of the hands that create. 

There is no God. This is a wonder beyond all wonders, that births, and kills... all wonders. 

It's not over until the fat lady sings.

Ok, Source. THAT was too much. YOU are too much. I'm not taking credit for that one. Nope. Not pawning that off on me. 

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

What a mess. People. Emotions. Mess. I apparently can't see myself as a fat lady. My dad always said fat people sing the best. I don't know if that's true, or a hilarious observation. 

mess (n.)

c. 1300, "a supply or provision of food for one meal," from Old French mes "portion of food, course at dinner," from Late Latin missus "course at dinner," literally "a placing, a putting (on a table, etc.)," from past participle of mittere "to put, place," in classical Latin "to send, let go" (see mission). For sense evolution, compare early Middle English sonde "a serving of food or drink; a meal or course of a meal," from Old English sond, sand, literally "a sending," the noun form of send (v.). 

 

'Cause I can't get enough, can't stop the hunger for your love
What a beautiful, what a beautiful mess I'm in"

When did it start? The need to be beautiful in order to be loved? The need to refuse food to stay thin? 

It didn't.

What an impossible feat. How do I know what someone else sees? I can't decide if I meet the standards or fail.

There are no standards.

There's no insecurity like that, thinking there are but not knowing where you rate on them. Maybe I'm beautiful, maybe I'm absolutely hideous. Depends on the moment, the angle, the lighting, the perceiver. My son brings his minecraft game up and says "see the illusion, if you change the angle it stays, but if you move, it breaks the illusion. Maybe I'm intelligent and fun, maybe I'm just a dumb bitch. 

What if I'm too good for you? What if I'm not good enough for you? 

I Am always, perpetually too Good for "you." Yet I love you, unfailingly, unconditionally all the same. 

Wow... now we're smoothing out other subjects.

No separate subjects, none is subject. 

 

[mandyjw]

Last night I told my husband about the dream, and immediately her responds, "It's not over until the fat lady sings." Then, "You stole me away from yourself." Like in 5 minutes, everything I journaled as a personal insight was his response. So hilariously frustrating. 

The day before yesterday, I had a day where everything just came together magically. Just one thing after another, boom. Beth called and was very nice, not bitchy at all. A number of other things I've wanted for a while came together. The dishwasher arrived and I got my dad to come over to install it. I helped him with some of the wiring which had to be done underneath it. I don't know where anything goes, but I'm better at working in small spaces than he is. It's so much better working with someone else on a challenging project. We got everything together and then... no power. 

I realized after the dishwasher arrived why I magically manifested it within a half hour with calling Stewart back to annoy him some more. Someone returned it. The plastic was taken off it, there were other signs someone had purchased it before. Turns out dishwashers are A TON of work to install. 

Immediately I thought we messed something up, or there was something inherently wrong with the dishwasher and the whole thing had to come out again. He thought and thought and found a tripped breaker. Then he thought some more and went in the crawlspace and flipped a GFCI switch and the dishwasher came to life. When he took out the old dishwasher he forgot to shut the power off, so the GFCI below tripped. No one thought of it until the new dishwasher wouldn't come on. 

I wonder if people have GFCI switches. Like a fault, a negative belief gets into something and you try to run power through it ignoring the fault. Snap. No more power to that part of the house. But if you forget you have this safety system you'll suspect problems where there aren't any. 

We feel unappreciative, unloved and unloving, lacking energy and inspiration, incapable of letting that energy flow when we have thoughts directing that power where it wasn't meant to go. It doesn't mean we are flawed, that we actually are unloved or unloving. It just means we aren't connected with our power. 

[mandyjw]

Jesus from Nazareth couldn't get his point a cross. Maybe the band Nazereth has some wisdom? Nothing is more funny than a man who doesn't know how funny he is. Nothing is more romantic than a man who doesn't know how far fallen in love he is. Nothing is more brilliant than a man who realizes he doesn't know a fucking thing. Nothing is more funny than a man who thinks he knows what's up. There are no losers in this game.

Even the heartbreak is iconic. Romantic. Created to heal.

I'm young, I know, but even so
I know a thing or two
I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot

I know a thing or two. 

Damn, good song though.  "Love Hurts" sounds so good. 

I wanted to be a cheerleader when I was kid really bad. Then when I got old enough, people convinced me it was stupid. My senior year in highschool, I sort of regretted it all, and wished I'd done it. 

Now as an almost 33 year old lady, I realize I'm already an f-ing cheerleader. 

Source, whatever I want, however I want it, bam. It's yours. It's mine. If I don't get it, you've got a better idea. I got the whole world in my hands, because I don't have either of those things. My dog is chewing the scissors again, I meant to throw them away. He already chewed the handles off. How are you supposed to use scissors that don't have handles? 

I wanted to make a video about Edward scissor hands. A mind is a thing that separates. What demonizes is the demon. He is just an unfinished creation, that wants to create. 

 

 

Edited September 20, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 We're simply meant to... be. 

Came here to write and my husband literally just then picks up the handle-less scissors off the floor and places them on my desk. I'm supposed to be cleaning. 

You are.

Right. I feel slightly bleh. Like coming here stretches my attention a bit too far. I want people to act different. I feel slightly threatened or not good enough in reaction to the people I DO like, who act out of sheer brilliance sometimes. Can't fucking win. Fucked either way. I am UNPLEASEABLE.

(Unconditionally loved.)

Yeah, yeah. Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds, and Mars.

And Venus?

Any heart. That is. Not strong. Enough. To take a lot of pain. Take a lot of pain. Love hurts. Oooooh love hurts. I'm young. I know. But eveeeeeen so. I know I think. I really learned a lot. Really learned a lot. Love is like a flame, It burns you when it's hot. Love hurts. Ooooh... love hurts. 

I'd make it so subtle, so subtle, so magnificent, so underlying, so overtaking, so everything, you wouldn't even know. 

I'm high, I'm fucking high. All the time, high. I don't know if I consented to this thinking stuff.

You're funny. 

When did I consent? 

consent (v.)

c. 1300, "agree, give assent; yield when one has the right, power, or will to oppose," from Old French consentir "agree; comply" (12c.) and directly from Latin consentire "agree, accord," literally "feel together," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + sentire "to feel" (see sense (n.)).

"Feeling together," hence, "agreeing, giving permission," a sense evolution that apparently took place in French before the word reached English. Related: Consented; consenting.

You're fucking kidding me. 

What did you really imply, or assume when you asked about consenting to thinking? 

I was thinking on the basis that thought and feeling are separate. I am, more and more experiencing the alignment or these things, the consciousness that they are not separate, and therefore, my confusion between them, which was only possible BECAUSE they are not separate, leaves, quicker, and quicker and quicker. 

I have to stand up and say, this is too fucking good. Too spectacular. You took my breath away. Give it back. 

You gave it up. You take it back. You've breathed all your life, don't know how this works? 

I don't even know anymore, the more attention I give it the more I don't know. It makes me high. I'm high. High. I'm perpetually high. 

Take it. 

"I can't take it."

TAKE it. 

Damn, damn, DAMN. I'd express my love and devotion for you, but you're just...

We're simply meant to be. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Alright, I'm considering quitting my business. I've considered this several times before. 

I miss swimming in the lake. I'm so tired, I'm only doing this at this time because I've found it to be very helpful. Ridiculous music. I need ridiculous music. 

Purple Rain.

Jesus! Focused on what I don't want. Ok, that was easy. 

Alright, I want to write the first chapter. I want inspiration for writing the first chapter. I read through most all of what I've written today after taking a break, and what I've written is actually good. But it's just a start. In the first chapter it sets the scene. It's fall, she goes for a walk, she doesn't know the town. Everything is fucking dead. Quiet. 

Good GOD KIDS RUIN everything. Just do yourself a favor and throw everything into the trash, give it to charity. Seriously, you can have kids or possessions. Not both. I got into minimalism because I though it was smart. Really, that was my motivation. Whatever.

Focused on what I don't want!

What was I writing? Right. Everything is fucking dead. Quiet. 

She's putting a towel over the dog's head. He's a saint! A fucking saint. They said that this breed was good with kids, but boy! Impressive, I tell you. 

Ok, what was I writing? Everything is quiet, dead quiet. It's an actual place, you're basically driving out to the end of the earth, ONLY, instead of coming to loud open ocean, it's quiet. Peaceful. It's a very unique place. I never realized why until now I guess. Shoot I really need to dig up my notes. Why am I creating resistance to juggling everything? 

Everything is fucking dead. Quiet. 

Huh. 

The last time we went to the falls, it was dead. Quiet. We got there just at the right time, or the wrong time, if you'd like to see weird shit going on, high tide. And then, the water started boiling again as the tides turned. But it was kinda magic. 

Flowers growing up through the floorboards.

I LOVE this shit. Seriously, I love this shit so much. Accidental, unassuming magic and beauty. 

And you think you're trying to do it on purpose. 

No! That's my favorite thing. When the spark or twist or reveal, just happens, you're the venue, but you didn't do it. 

 

[mandyjw]

That was last night's tired ramblings. Right now I am enjoying a routine of journaling my tired ramblings at night and meditating during the afternoon. 

 I decided that to write the first chapter, I have to live it, so my plan is to have my husband drop me off at the end of the earth and I'll just walk. 

I'm having a bunch of negative thoughts about myself in the past few hours, and I use other people puppets to perpetuate them. They don't really say anything though. It's just me throwing my own voice. Badly. But I guess I'm good at it, or I wouldn't have believed it for 33 years.

You believe that?

"You're craaaaaaaaazy." 

Stop pawning your religion off on me. I'm done, with other people's religion. 

What does the puppet master say? You are the puppet master. 

Crazy, 1580s, "broken, impaired, full of cracks or flaws," from craze + -y (2).

There are flowers growing up through the floorboards.  It's just not as fun when there's no other to demonize.

You lie. It's more fun. 

I know, it's more fun. 

I think I'd like to have a chat with my demon self. It'll be like the Screwtape Letters, which I never read. 

But how would you know which is which? 

That was COLD.

"Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spot-light
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough"

I love her.

I don't love her.

I love her.

I don't love her.

I LOVE her.

Fuck. I don't love her. 

I love her. 

Who are we talking about? 

Who are we talking about?