Insights from daily meditations and journalling

[rNOW]

I have been journaling regularly for the past 4+ years in a regular handwritten physical journal. Sometimes there are voices I write in which are not mine, yet they are mine, or I don't know. Sometimes these voices say the utmost simple things which stun me and shock me. Over the period of years, I've a collection of 10+ long hand journals. I underline things which I think are important, but sometimes it is hard to document these voices pop up in the middle of me doing something. That insight is then gone and lost in the ether forever. 

So I'm going to try and collect some of them here as a way of reminding me. Life is busy and I'm not sure how regularly can I document these insights. I hope to be consistent. 

Some of the things I write might be extremely personal. And so I would be using single letter names to protect their privacy and remain anonymous. 

If anyone is reading any of my journal entries, and wishes to chime in, feel free to. The underlined words are the insights and the rest is just me blabbering. 

Edited March 10, 2021 by rNOW

[rNOW]

10-03-2021

I am just out of the shower and my head was filled with stuff I need to do. And more stuff I need to do. It is funny how the list in my head grows bigger and bigger the more tasks I do. I thought of M and how she is making my life miserable. Perhaps she could help with some of these tasks. But it is not my job to. She just dumps all the tasks on me. Perhaps I could quietly keep doing them as much as I can. How long? I don't know. I have noticed she takes my silence and my willingness to do the tasks as a weakness. She also thinks I'm not to smart to notice. So my head is filled with M and her behaviour. I need to clear my head. Perhaps it is time to meditate. I have so many things to do today, I hope I can get some clarity on where to begin when I meditate. 

I close my eyes and notice the blankness in front of my eyes. It is only a couple of seconds before M pops up in my head again, yelling and arguing over inconsequential matters. Then I see J, and S and N and B and all those people who should be supporting me and my work, instead they are discouraging. Or lying. I see M again. I notice my mind creating fake conversations with her over and over again. I also notice that my mind is only thinking of people who have hurt me. That makes me laugh. I laugh while meditating. The absurdity of it all. 

I wish to forgive M. For all that she has done in the past, for all that she is doing now and for all that she will be doing in the future. I don't know, perhaps I have hurt her in the past or I'm hurting her now. And if I am, I don't know how to stop. I just wish to forgive her. What do I do to forgive her? 

"You must forgive her with your actions and words, not just with your thoughts. You must let her behave the way she wishes to, but not get too entangled with it. Forgive her and ignore her at the same time."

I feel too much of self-pity. And I cry whilst meditating. And I laugh that I'm crying at things I cannot change. People that I cannot change. It has been a while I've cried. Life hasn't given me space to cry recently. So I cry for a few seconds. It feels good. Now I need to list all the tasks I need to do. How do I forgive M? How do I undo anything I might have done to her in some remote past that I don't remember?  How do I forgive myself for doing whatever I did, so I don't have to go through this again? I have so much to do, and then this more added task!

"To forgive someone, you must go easy on them. You must begin afresh. As if you are meeting them for the first time. Renewed. Without the hurtful memories. To forgive yourself, you must go easy on yourself. You must look at yourself with fresh new eyes. You cannot forgive anything by trying to overwork or strain yourself. If you love yourself, you must do whatever you can, then leave the rest. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. As for the in surmountable task list you have, you must stop looking at life as a chore. Life is an experience. If you are looking at it as a chore, you are missing the point. " 

I feel so good after hearing this, kind of relaxed, as if a whole boulder has been lifted from my shoulders. I think of actualized.org and how I could document things there. So here I am.