Gabriel Antonio

A Neverending Process Of Getting Back On Track

130 posts in this topic

10:55 PM 25-Feb-17

I kind of ate junk food today. I have been eating soup over the past two weeks, and the only thing that was in my mind is a stuffed deep fried dough called Pastel. I ate at the Farmer's Market, and I also asked my mom to make it.

I thought a lot about that. I remembered what Leo said once, "What is truly going to make you happy is going to the gym. If doing those lower consciousness behavior gave any happiness, I would be the first one to do them." At the same time, I didn't want to just get neurotic and say no to this desire, because it is a simple desire and in the long run it won't really matter.

I was eating while watching a tv show, and I remembered something that @JKG said once about eating, eating, and eating until the stomach starts aching. I hate that feeling, so I applied a technique I learned from Yogananda. "I don't want it" and simply walk away from the kitchen. There might be someone saying, "Come here and try this amazing apple pie." But he says to resist and practice the power of "I don't want it".

I could feel how eating that was not in my best interest. I knew it was a temporary desire, at the same time I didn't want to repress it. Maybe I can wait a little and something better will happen. For example, the other day I was with some dark sexual desires, but I didn't succumb to them, I didn't feed them. Instead, I waited and was rewarded.

GIVING OURSELVES HOPE IN TIMES OF DIFFICULTY
Sometimes the right thing to do is crystal clear, but at other times doubt fill our minds and hearts. A lot of times I wake up and I am like, "What the fuck am I doing?"

I think that filling our minds with positive things is the key to keep us motivated. Reading is a great thing, for example. I was reading some of my early posts, and I saw that reading or listening to a self-help/spiritual book or lecture has inspired me to get into radical action.

I have had some of the most challenging meditation sessions this week. I truly felt like a beginner. I felt that I was a complete newbie who had committed himself to meditating for a full hour. And in a way, never have I felt so present. I was in the beginner's mind. Sure, a lot of my meditations are very pleasant lately; I would say that around 85% are actually pleasant. However, I was reading my early posts, and I saw how I used to feel--mostly terrible.

SEEING HOW MUCH WE HAVE WALKED
We are in the last day of this cycle of the moon, so I feel it is a good moment to contemplate our journey. It is a good moment to just stop and see, "HOLY SHIT! Look how shitty my life was just a few months ago." Sure, I do get some unconscious hits at times, but they are far more sporadic today.

October last year, I was living under the clouds of doubt. Everything I did was filled with self-doubt. It was hard to get up; I was tottaly immersed in a self-destructive lifestyle, which might appear to be seductive but do not satisfy the soul. That is, you get all the worldly comforts, yet you are still unhappy. During that month, I had a vision of how important meditation is. [How is your meditation habit going, by the way? If you're feeling shitty, just fucking meditate for 40 minutes at least. An inspirational hit will flourish in you.]

Anyway, after smoking cannabis in October, I was like "SHIT! Meditation is the key to solving my problems." So I committed myself to doing it for 4 hours even if it killed me. It is crazy how our minds exaggerate over a simple habit of sitting.

I heard a spiritual teacher saying that if we are able to sit when we think we're going to die of boredom, or when we're in excruciating pain; that's when we really grow. It is beautiful, in my opinion, this capacity to break free from the small sense of self and say, "I don't give a shit. I will sit no matter what arises." It is a flame, the flame of willpower.

I feel relatively peaceful now. This very moment. I do have some pain on my chest, but I am so happy that I am feeling fulfilled. I went to the church today, I kissed a cute girl yesterday. Things are kind of working out for me. And I know that this is just a temporary positive phase. But I feel good to disconnect myself from my everyday worries and just have a momentary vaction, in which I am deeply connecting with other human beings.

INTENTION FOR THE NEW MOON
I have been thinking of what to focus on during the new moon, which will take place at noon (Brazil time) tomorrow. I have thought of two intentions:

1) Relax deeply
I was inspired by the week that I was with a fever. I was so relaxed. Nothing to really strive for; nothing to achieve; nothing to prove; no one to impress. It felt nice to have this moment of tremendous relaxation. I didn't need to go out a lot, nor do physical exercise. Whatever food that was on the plate was perfect. I deeply enjoyed the simple things in life (e.g., sleeping, watching a movie).

I guess all this great stuff that happened boils down to relaxing and slowing down deeply. However, I did feel a need to start moving my butt on Friday. I felt a bit clinging to that state of very slow pace lifestyle, which is good but at the same time can be deceiving. It's like "OH! I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING MINDFULLY OR ELSE I AM NO GOOD." Plus, I do recognize that I am prone to laziness and slow lifestyle already, so it is actually good to be dynamic at times.

2) Diving deep in my relationships
I have done lots and lots of social comfort zone challenges this moon cycle (this last month basically). It was great and everything, but now I feel this desire to explore uncharted territories in relationships. That is, going to places in my relationships that I haven't gone before. Really surrendering to love and vulnerability. I want to experience more of the feeling of heart-based connections. That moment that everything I say is perfect the way it is. That moment that I see that I am being appreciated by the other person. That moment that I realize, "What an amazing incarnation this is! What a cool mystery this life is!"

Plus, socializing deeply is a great form to take a vacation from the mundane concerns. Sure, relationships can be addictive, but I really doubt that I will fall into that. I actually think it would be healthy to explore this side of the spectrum, just like it was healthy to explore the side of the spectrum of being an asshole and not giving a shit what other people think.

In essence, I feel inspired to create more moments of heart-based connections. Of just being with another human being and being understood by him or her, being validated. I have the image of Jack Kornfield bowing deeply when Duncan Trussel was telling him something.

I like to make other people feel special because I love when other people do that with me. A great way is to simply refer to what the person said, you know, something you liked about what she said. I feel I have been a very good listener lately. I was inspired by a conversation I had with @ajasatya. I feel nice ... so I want to keep that going. Keep my meditation going and diving deep into exploring the realms of consciousness with another human.

I like people.

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10:06 PM 26-Feb-17

EXPRESSING MY JUDGMENTS

This journal entry is an attempt to put it out all the judgments that I have. I feel it is kind of hard to do this because judgment itself is present in me right now, and this creates so much suffering. There is this constant need of NEEDING to do something, of shoulding myself to death. It is all or nothing.

All of this state of mind stemmed from a conversation I just had with my mom. After I took the ayahuasca, I have noticed how much I judge her. Anyway, I was innocently trying to have a nice conversation with her, following my breath at times to calm myself and listen to her... but then... I started to lose my self-control. I was getting so irritated by what she was saying (I was feeling judged) that I wanted to confront her, you know, saying that I am right and she's wrong.

As soon as I noticed that this part of me was presenting itself, I decided to end the conversation. We talked for about an hour. It is so crazy the difference between talking with someone who you can easily connect and someone who stirs up a lot of negative emotions in you. Sure, I am the one who caused the negative emotions, and in a way it is a positive thing that those judgements came to the surface, as they are more objects of study for my meditation practice.

Following my breath had become so hard and unpleasant. All I wanted to do is shout: "SHUT UP! STOP SAYING THAT WHAT I FEEL IS NORMAL." My mom was saying that judging is normal and so on. And part of me hates being told that; part of me wants to say, "I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE NORMAL, AND STOP TRYING TO HELP ME!"

It is interesting to notice the difference between being loving and being judgemental and aggressive. I have been feeling so loving towards everybody lately that I had forgotten how it feels like to be in a conversation that a shadowy part of myself comes to the surface. It really makes me tired... and makes me feel like giving in to my lowest instincts.

CONNECTING WITH THOSE WHO REMIND US WHO WE ARE

I think it is good to have conversations that bring forth our shadow. However, I feel it is more important to focus on people who are easy to talk with. Sure, if I only had heart-to-heart conversations, I would not appreciate them. It is like what Thich Nhat Hanh says, "We can only know happiness when we remember that times of suffering."

I feel like my self-esteem has lowered a lot due to that conversation. Suddenly, what I naturally want to do is not right. Maybe that is because I was indeed judged. I don't know, I just feel deeply sad right now. And I am not afraid of being sad. At the same time, I want to maintain control of myself. That is, keep breathing consciously from time to time.

I could express my anger here. I don't know it is hard to maintain a high level of awareness all the time. And I don't want to lose myself. AW! This feeling I am with is so hard to bear. I feel out of balance. Suddenly living mindfully has become apparently hard.

"WE GIVE OURSELVES HOPE IN TIMES OF DIFFICULTY"
Even though great blessing are happening in my life, sometimes I struggle with anxiety. Also, I feel it is during those times of great darkness that I understand the truth of impermanence. Even though this suffering seem very solid--if I keep breathing--I will see it dissolving before my eyes.

Right now, I feel like doing something that I don't have to think a lot, nor focus too much on my breath. You know, just take a vacation from my concerns.

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9:45 PM 28-Feb-17

I have just eaten quite a lot. I was so tired that I kind of fell unconcious for a while. I was eating while listening to a wonderful Brazilian Buddhist nun called Coen. I like her style because she is very humorous, honest, and down-to-earth. At the same time, I also like monks who seem very advanced such as Thich Nhat Hanh. I was reading some of his books, and it is amazing how deep you can get into his teachings even though they seem very simple.

One of the teachings is of the little child inside of us that is still alive and present inside of us. And this child is wounded, vulnerable and fragile. And the teaching is to look at this child with all your understanding and love. My goal in life; my mission; my life purpose is to allow this little child to flourish and assume control, while I--as an adult--protect this child. From what? Adults and their judgments. Not everybody in this moment has his or her hearts open. A lot of people are so disconnected from the eternal reality of the present moment that they do not see you. You become merely a ghost. And I recognize that I do this with other people. For example, today I was at the grocery store and I didn't look at the cashier. So in a way, he was like a ghost. I am glad I took one mindful glance.

GETTING TIRED OF THE PRESENT MOMENT

I have discovered a trick to be present. You have to be with another person. You simply start talking about what is present. It is incredible how the quality of the conversation rises. The thing is, sometimes the person is so lost in his or her mind that it is hard to share the present with him or her. That's ok. You just have to find a person who you ressonate better with.

At the same time, I was getting kind of tired of going back to the present moment. I know how fantastic it is, but I simply got tired. I know how fantastic it is to be in the now. Observe my body. Right now, my feet are twisted; that is, the tip of my toes are on the floor while my other feet is resting on my heel. My jaw was tensed. I feel the taste of hummus in my mouth.

When I start to become present, I tend to judge my mind. I judge the mind a lot. The mind judges the mind. I have been trying to differentiate tiredness from laziness. I have been writing for about 10 minutes and I feel like stopping, but I am also curious to see where this will lead if I keep writing for 20 more minutes.

Anyway, at some point of today, I stopped using this technique because I got tired from it. Suddenly, talking about the origin of the food I was eating at the moment didn't seem interesting. I do recognize that I could easily get neurotic about being in the present all the time. It is like training a puppy. The puppy (your mind) not always respond well to the training (being in the present moment). It does no good to beat the puppy. It is a steady consistency of bringing the puppy back. It is a never ending process of getting back on track. What is the track? The present moment.

IT TAKES A LOT OF WORK TO BE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

"Just be here now!" That is easier said than done. That's why I believe in rolling up my sleeve and practicing meditation every single day to start training myself to be present. A similar thing: keeping a straight spine. It is far easier to accomplish this if you take Yoga classes. If you don't take any specific time of your day to just practice a specific technique that will help your spine to be straight, you will easily lose focus.

I have a hard time putting things into perspective. I am happy that I have dropped all my other habits (affirmations, metta, and comfort zone challenges) and now have focused solely on meditation as my only commitment. Anyway, I got something written on my door "The only way you can fail is by not meditating for 4 hours today." I easily forget how much that is. "OH! I HAVE GOT TO SOCIALIZE MORE! LEMME CALL THAT PERSON!" But what I have been noticing is that a lot of people are simply busy. You call them, and you got only 5 minutes. Few are the people who can offer their full presence to you. Usually they are people who are not very ambitious in life, such as children and retired people. If you are very focused on your job, and you got lots of things to accomplish; you miss out the people that come to your life. You lose the timing. They are there for you, but you were too busy to see them. Now they are gone.

FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH

I have been feeling quite well these past 2 days. Haha, that's actually innacurate. Sometimes during the day, it was really challenging and I felt a lot of spiritual purging. It is interesting how tricky and deceptive the mind is. You firmly believe something, but it is actually not correct.

Sometimes I take things too personal. If a person is talking about something, I immediately think they are reffering that to me, even though he or she doesn't have any conceivable means of knowing what I am going through. Anyway, sometimes this paranoia is my intuition trying to tell me something.

Paranoia = intuition + fear

TIRED

I feel kind of tired and happy that I am about to get some rest. Go into the dreamland, even though I don't usually have vivid dreams. I like this thing of sleeping. Just letting the body and mind rest. Yes, sometimes the mind is still active even though we're sleeping; which prevents us from experiencing a deep restorative sleep. But at other times, we do experience this sense of wonder when we are sleeping. We wake up feeling rejuvenated.

WHEN I UNDERSTAND MYSELF, I BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS

The more I study my mind through self-observation, the more I understand others. We are human beings, so we share a lot of things. When I study how deceptive my own mind is, I can clearly sense when that is happening to others. It is a perceptive intuition, if that makes any sense. I become so attune with reality that I can tell if someone is lying intuitevely. I simply do not smell the aroma of truth in what they are saying.

THE BODY NEVER LIES

Part of the practice of meditation is to keep yourself still. Sometimes my body starts jerking as if I was banning a bad spirit inside of me. When I become conscious of that, I say to myself "Ok, I am going to abstain from moving, and it is ok to complain about that." This way, I transfer my bodily discomfort to my mind. And then, I have to put up with that discomfort in my mind. It really feels like doing pushups or a challenging weightlifting thing.

Yogananda has said that when the movement ceases, God reveals itself. At the same time, I do think that there is a lot of merit in moving your butt. But moving your butt only brings results in the outer world. And being still beings results in the inner world. Osho said that the west has moved a lot, so there is a lot of outter prosperity; whereas the East has kept it still, so there is a lot of inner prosperity. How to find this balance? Being and doing. It is a dance.

APPRECIATION TO THE MYSTERY OF LIFE

Become conscious of the mystery present right now. This mysterious human incarnation. This mystery is always present, you just have to open your eyes and see it. To face this mystery, we need a foundation of love.

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8:13 AM 09-Mar-17

Sometimes I become so mindful of everthing I do that I end up losing my spontaneity. That is, I try to be mindful but end up not following my natural desires. I feel like mindfulness is all about going back to our true nature, and if I start overthinking as to what to do I am not on the right track. Thich Nhat Hanh says that to know if you're practicing meditation correctly, you only need to observe if it is generating joy. If it is, you're practicing correctly. If it is not, you're practicing incorrectly. 

I feel like I am much more attune to the spiritual dimension. It is that thing we all know exists deep down, but we can't talk about it, because it doesn't make sense in this material dimension. We can feel it only. I am glad I have taken ayahuasca because it has helped me speed up my healing progress in a very positive way. I think it would be a lot of work to realize all the things I realized after taking that tea. 

I am noticing a lot of aspects of my shadow. For example, I am going out with a girl, and it is crazy how jealous and needy I am becoming. It is crazy because a few months ago I didn't have her, so to speak, by my side, and I was pretty fine, I suppose. But now... I start overthinking as how to talk to her through texting. I got resistant about frech kissing her even though the moment was asking for it. And another thing that I have noticed is possessiveness. It is as if I wanted her to be mine. Like all of her love to me and nobody else. I do realize that this is quite normal (that's why most people have monogomous relationships), but it is somewhat demoralizing to see that I have all this aspects in me. I am like, "Jesus! Why??" 

On the other hand, I feel more developed than a lot of people. Like I feel that I have dealt with so much suffering that I have a pretty high tolerance to it. SOmetimes I don't like living in my house, I sense that it is toxic; however, living here teaches me how to deal with strong negative emotions and strong monkey-mind. When I go to a temple, I feel very high conscious. But here... boy, oh, boy... it is much harder. Yet I feel like I am succeeding. In a way, this is a positive thing, because I feel we need contrast in life. I mean, how am I supposed to appreciate how good it feels to be in a high conscious environment if I only stay there? I would become quickly acclimated. So the thing is to just train myself to be happy no matter where I am as long as it is not toxic. And my house is pretty friendly-energy if I see it literally, that is, if I remove all the layers of conditioning that I have. 

I am also trying to find balance between masculine and feminine energy. On the one hand, I love to express myself freely in the world; on the other hand, I also love to develop my receptivity. I feel like it is easier to live in this world through receptivity. When I start planting a lot of seeds in the world, problems start to happen. Other people's ego come in my ego's way. So in a way, I am practicing non-interference. If a person is acting in a nasty way, I simply let it be and take my distance. Next thing I know the person surprises me with positivity. 

I am taking ayahuasca this saturday again. I am in love with it. 

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10:51 PM 09-Mar-17

My grandma has got a pretty severe cancer. I have been soaking the energy around so much that I felt the need to numb myself consciously. I know that a lot of people have negative feelings towards numbing yourself, but I do think that it can be used strategically.

I was becoming so meek and soft that I felt like I was going to collapse in weakness. I am glad I have done comfort zone challenges in the past, because they came in handy today. I ate a whole lemon and took a hot shower (it is summer in Brazil) to recharge myself. Right now, I am reciting "Foda-se", which means Fuck it. Although this is a curse word, I do think it is useful at times.

I feel we need to dettach from emotions at times and become very logical to see things more clearly. I was getting kind of paranoid of always doing the right thing, doing what my intuition was telling me so right now I simply don't care about that. I am just doing whatever I want.

I don't want to be in this state of numbing for a long time, but I do think it is useful right now because the energy in my house can easily catch me and I can get depressive and very low on energy so I have come up with this stategy of desensitizing myself.

EX-GIRLFRIEND CONTACTING ME

A girl I dated contacted me after a long time. I didn't feel a good vibe from her message. I mean, why would she contact me even though I tried to do so so many times? I don't think I will reply to her. I am tired of getting bitting baits only to be ignored. Haha, my ego seems to be broken.

GOING TO CHURCH
Tomorrow I will go to a evangelical church called Christian Congregation. I used to not like churches, but this one rocks. It has beautiful music. And most important I like the vibe of the place.

ENERGY
I have been thinking a lot about of energy. Do we really emanate energy depending on our thoughts? I think so. On the one hand, I feel we need to send good vibrations (via metta meditation, for example).

On the other hand, sometimes we have to simply let our mind go crazy. For example, yesterday I went to a Spiritism cult. Spiritism is a popular religion in Brazil. They basically believe in spirits. Anyway, I started to judge the people very harshly, and I allowed my mind to do so. I felt a purging effect.

There is secret I want to share with you: nobody can hear your thoughts. So if you want to purge thoughts, let your mind do it. Resistance makes stronger. So lose control of your mind as much as you can. Even though sometimes I feel like high consciousness people can read my mind, they can't.

The trick is to find whether to choose to send good vibes or purge thoughts. I think we first need to try sending good vibes; then, if it doesn't work, we purge thoughts. And if the environment is toxic in nature, LEAVE!

DID YOU THINK OF LEAVING? LEAVE

Sometimes I try to prolongate activities, but that doesn't work. If I have an intutive hit of leaving a conversation, I have tried today to follow through on that even if the conversation is interesting.

Conversely, if I want to do something, I want to just fucking do it. 

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9:22 PM 10-Mar-17

I am just trying to maintain balance in this crazy world. I don't want to get too caught in the energetic field but I also don't want to deny it. I have been able to keep my distance from the pain of my family, or maybe the pain has simply subsized.

I went to a meditation class today at the local park, and it was really cool. I shared my experience, and I really allowed myself to feel sad there. I find that it is far better to fully express the emotion rather than trying to control it too much. However, I did notice that at some point I was becoming very uncomfortable in that situation, so I decided to sit with my spine up-straight, and I began to feel better.

"LOVE IS BRIGHTER IN THE DARK"

I like that I am going through hard times, because it is the perfect opportunity to connect deeply with people. My grandma has got cancer, and it is pretty bad. I am feeling this pain in the energetic field, and I am able to feel it instead of pushing it away or act as if I was indifferent to it.

ON the other hand, I have distanced myself from the girl I like. I was having lots of jealousy, neediness, and possessiveness. So I figure I might not be able to have a relationship at this point in time. Or maybe I should try a little harder. But anyway, I have got to follow my own rhythm.

RESTING

I was planning to go to the church today, but I didn't as a respect to my own body. I was feeling tired, but I still want to push myself into going there. I would be arriving home probably now (9:26 PM). I sort of gave an advice to a friend that I think her body is telling her to slow things down because she does way too many things. However, I was myself not following my own advice. So I decided to just take a soothing warm shower while practicing Metta towards myself. It felt really nice.

EATING

I haven't been eating much. In a way, I like this because I feel a fresh new sense of energy and intuition. However, this can obviously become disharmonious. So I decided to eat a little bit more now in the evening so that I don't always have this feeling of an empty stomach. I feel the more we grow spiritually, the less we want food.

WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY

I don't why, but I simply couldn't watch a documentary. I felt the quality of my thoughts decreasing dramatically. I began, for example, thinking about my sister and how she is allegedly not appreciating life the way I am, as if there were a right or wrong way to live life. She might think the same about me.

The documentary was called The Altruism Revolution. It was pretty interesting, but I did get tired of all the scientific need. You know? Meditation is good because science says so. I find that science is good to ground us when we are getting too deep into the rabbit hole, but it really can blindside us. Like, "I only trust in science."

DOING THE UNCOMFORTABLE

I am so happy that I did comfort zone challenges earlier this year. I feel like I am more confident now. And I don't feel the need of doing comfort zone challenges on a daily basis. I can if I want to, but I simply don't see why.

Nowadays, I am able to do things that I would not have otherwise done had I not done those comfort zone challenges.

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11:03 PM 17-Mar-17

It is crazy how much I have grown the last few weeks. I have become much more social, and this is so pleasant. I used to not talk to strangers, but now I do. I usually start out the conversation by making a compliment. This way, the conversation usually turns out well and the person feels a little bit better in his or her day. 

Life is precious. And it is so fleeting. We have this idea of a fixed thing, but it is very impermanent. Right now, you are reading what I am typing. Next thing you know, this moment will be over. I am writing here totally immersed in the moment, and soon enough this moment will pass. And then there is a new moment, and a new moment, and a new moment. Flow like a river. Be flexible like water. 

WORDS OF POWER 

I am becoming more mindful of the words I use. I feel words carry a great vibration. For example, the word "mindful" carries a very positive and healing energy and vibe. So I am trying to use those kinds of words when I am speaking. 

I am also blessing people as I talk. I say words of encouragement such as "I am listening", "You can talk". This helps me stay more present in the conversation. I have noticed that I have this tendency of getting into fantasyland as I talk with people, so my approach lately is to always bring me back to the Here and Now. 

Sometimes I even say to the other person when I notice that both of us are lost in our minds. "Let's come back to the here and now." This takes a bit of courage, but it is worth it. It is very cool to say words that bring about Presence. 

MEETING WITH MY DAD AFTER 6 MONTHS 

I met with my dad today. It was pretty fine. I noticed that he was slightly sad, which is understandable because I haven't treated him very nicely lately. He has a good heart; he is generous, and he is caring. 

TURNING MY HEART TOWARDS WHAT IS GOOD 

I have been training myself to see what is good in the present moment. I can certainly list all the negative things about each situation, but I can also train myself to see what is good. For example, I like that I am listening to a nice and soothing 432 hz music (it's called Miracle Tone, which is available on YT). I also like that my spine is naturally straight. I like that my body is relatively relaxed. I like that I noticed that I was holding tension in my belly and now I have released it. I like that I am able to apply self-control. 

RELATIONSHIPS 

I have been going out with a girl, and it is amazing how much a relationship can show us the things we need to work on. For example, my fear of being abandoned and left alone is pretty evident. I said good-bye to her the other day, and I got this feeling. I also felt jealousy and neediness. So... the solution... was to take a break from interacting with her. 

I feel we need space in relationships. When I like someone, I usually stay on their grill too much and I often act in ways that are low conscious. Relationships are like yoga. If they are not generating vital energy; if I am losing my breath, it is time to go into child's pose (which is a resting pose in a way). 

I have decided to refrain from contacting her for 3 days. I think this will help the relationship to bring some freshness. I didn't tell her, but that's ok. 

I am grateful that I can be authentic with her. I feel she truly accepts me, and I accept her. I am feeling this is becoming a heart-based connection. The words that blossom from my mouth comes from my heart; from my inner child. 

AYAHUASCA

I am taking ayahusca for the 4th time tomorrow. I want to take 3 doses so that I can really dive deep. I want healing to occur, and I am willing to go through any discomfort. I am also open to receiving grace through love. I will feed myself properly. 

Ayahusca is wonderful. I feel much more open now. More corageous. More at ease. More loving (definitely +++). I feel I can talk with my inner child and calm him down gently. I am expressing myself more freely and more like an extrovert. I am appreaciating my grandma deeply. I have the ability of bringing myself and others back to the here and now. I am open to relationships. I am more spontaneous. I am more at peace with Existence. 

That's it for today. 

Gratitude to all beings! May we all be Free and Happy and Joyful! 

The light within me honors the light within you. 

Namaste

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9:02 PM 20-Mar-17

PRACTICING SILENCE

I got this intuitive urge to simply stop talking. I feel I accept people more the way they are, and I become receptive to what gifts they have to offer me. I have been getting some withdrawal symptoms. I have been feeling isolated in a way. Part of me desesperately wants to start interacting with people like I have been. Another part knows that I need this break to regain some freshness.

FEAR OF LOSING A GIRL

I noticed a very lousy strategy I was using to prevent a girl I am dating to meet other people. Overinteract with her. I have decided to not send messages or read messages from her for 3 days. I had tried that on the weekend, but I didn't resist. And the messages didn't turn out well. So this time I will be with the discomfort and see what happens. I am curious to see the result of this retreat.

FEAR OF GETTING DEPRESSED

The less I talk and interact, the more vulnerable to depression and overthinking I become. At the same time, I want to have resilience to be with those uncomfortable sensations. I consciously did not interact with some people I wanted to today. I feel I need to rest.

INSIGHTS FOURTH TIME AYAHUASCA

- I am change.
- Talk less, feel more.
- Buddhism is the most mature religion.

That's it for today.

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11:48 PM 22-Mar-17

I am kind of tired, so I am going to write for only 5 minutes here. I just want to journal how I have been feeling in a brief way.

I have begun to value the power of words of love. Becoming more mindful of how I speak produce a better result in my relationships. If I keep saying words of love, all the evil evaporates one time or the other.

Life is precious. This moment will never come back again. So our training is to come back to it over and over again.

I have been doing a talk to a stranger challenge. I have been making compliments to people on the street. It gives me so much happiness and joy. My happiness level is skyrocketing. I agree with @JKG. Human interactions are needed for a healthy and happy life.

I feel more loving and I love that I can talk with my inner child. I can take good care of him and her.

Shadow work is necessary. I have been doing lists about some ugly aspects of myself and a friend has been helping me. "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone." Just the fact that I share, that makes me feel better. I am grateful that I have such a friend who I can trust and tell whatever comes to mind. Seriously, it is amazing.

I am taking ayahuasca this weekend again. It is so exciting. It is always a mystery how it is going to turn out. Just like every moment is, just like every day is, just like every second is. It is a trip.

I had a trip one time that I was sick in a hospital and I was about to die. I had to remove myself from that environment and bring me back to life.

Another trip I had with a fox. Then, I went outside and there was a dog that looked like a fox. It was cool to interact with him.

The other one (the last one) I contemplated impermanence on a deep level. I took 3 doses, so I really dived deep.

If you're doing the work (meditation especially), psychedelics are the way to go. It will boost your experience and produce massive gains. You will begin to see reality differently. It is amazing. Thank you Mother Earth for giving us this amazing gift.

That's it for today.

=]

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7:32 PM 24-Mar-17

I wish I was more loving towards myself. I wish I didn't have to do so much. I know that I am sounding weak (at least for me), but that is how I feel right now.

I have been very strong over the last weeks. I have begun to appreciate the power of words. Yet, now I feel tired. I wish I could rest. But rest can be dangerous at times. I begin to get attached to this other side of the spectrum. I have realized today how disciplined I am. I don't allow myself to slack off, simply because I know it will only make me suffer.

I wish I could be writing here in an up-beat way, but right now I feel kind of drained. I am happy that I have been more positive, that I have been expressing myself, that I have been participating in conversations as an active listener and speaker. I am grateful for ayahuasca and all the friends I have made both in the ayahuasca ceremony and in a gospel church I have been going to.

It is a time for reflection. It is ok to use negative words. When I am with people, I am forcing myself to be positive, to be strong. I think this is a good thing because I have stronger when I do that. Sometimes even setting an intention through thought can make a difference.

I have accomplished so much that I fear of losing this. Why? I have been courageous and everything, yet I know that I can easily fall off track. Having meditation as my only rule in life helps me put things into perspective. "Oh... it's ok that I have had a shitty day, at least I have done my part and meditated."

Yet, I also feel the need of social interactions. I have been making compliments to strangers and I start random conversations. This brings a lot of happiness. Sure, there are people who ignore me, but I have met some amazing people.

Another thing I have been doing is practicing self-love to my inner child. I know that my inner child lives in my body right in this moment. She wants attention and love also. I know that the cool things I have done are due to my inner child being heard by me. My inner child and me are one actually.

Anyway, I am grateful that I am here having this wonderful human experience and that I have been experiencing amazing and powerful higher-consciousness feelings of connectedness and deep love for all beings. I am able to see people with eyes of compassion. I am valuing the power of intentions.

It is what it is. Today might be hard. There might be no hope. But if you keep moving forward, there will be light. It is hard to trust in that when you're living in a pile of shit. But what else is there to do expect becoming conscious? It might be challenging in the beginning, but there is a great payoff.

That's it for today.

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