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  • An astronaut went far out into space and was asked on his return whether he had been to heaven and seen God and he said yes, and so they said to him, well, what about God?
  • And he said, she is black.
  • And although this is a very well-known and well-worn story, it is very profound.
  • A monk who started out in life as pretty much of an agnostic or an atheist and then he began to read a French philosopher who proclaimed a vital force, and the more he read into this kind of philosophy the more he saw, that these people were really talking about God.
  • And he read a great deal of theological reasoning about the existence of God, and they all start out on this line: If you are intelligent, and reasonable, you cannot be the product of a mechanical meaningless universe, figs do not grow in thistles, grapes do not grow on thorns, and therefore you as an expression of the universe, as an aperture through which the universe is observing itself, cannot be a mere fluke because if this world, peoples as a tree brings forth fruit, then the universe itself, the energy which underlies it, what it's all about, the ground of being, must be intelligent.
  • When you come to that conclusion you must be very careful, because you may make an unwarranted jump, namely, the jump to the conclusion that that intelligence, that marvelous designing power which produces all this, is the biblical God.
  • Be careful.
  • Because that God contrary to his own commands is fashioned in the graven image of a paternal authoritarian beneficent tyrant of the ancient Near East.
  • It's very easy to fall into that trap, because it's all prepared institutionalized in the Roman Catholic church, in the synagogue, in the Protestant churches, all ready for you to accept, and by the pressure of social consensus and so on, it is very natural to assume that when somebody uses the word God, it is that father figure which is intended, because even Jesus used the analogy The Father, for his experience of God, he had to, there was no other one available in his culture.
  • But nowadays we are in rebellion against the image of the authoritarian father, especially this should happen in the United States where we are a republic and not a monarchy, and if he was a loyal citizen of this country think that a republic is the best form of government, you can hardly believe that the universe is a monarchy. 
  • But to reject the paternalistic image of God as an idol is not necessarily to be an atheist. 
  • Atheism in the name of God: an experience, a contact a relationship with God, that is to say with the ground of your being, that does not have to be embodies or expressed in any specific image.

Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise
Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday
You got mud on your face, you big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place, singin'

  • Now, theologians on the whole don't like that idea because it is found in discourse with them that they want to be hardnosed about the nature of God.
  • They want to say that God has indeed a very specific nature; ethical monotheism means that the governing power of this universe has some opinions and rules, to which our minds and acts must be conformed - and if you don't watch out, you'll go against the fundamental grain of the universe - and be punished in some way, you'll fail to be an authentic person.
  • There is this feeling that there is authority, behind the world and it is not you, it's something else.
  • Therefore, this Jewish-Christian-Muslim approach makes a lot of people feel strange, estranged, from the roots and ground of being.
  • There are a lot of people who never grow up, and are always in awe of an image of grandfather.
  • Don't bow to an image of God with a long, white beard so to speak, we intelligent people don't believe in that kind of a God, we think that God is spirit, that God is very undefinable and infinite, but nevertheless, the images of God are far more powerful upon our emotions than ideas.
  • We should think in contrary imagery, and the contrary imagery is she is black.
  • Instead of God the father/mother - imagine that this is not a luminous being, blazing with light, but an unfathomable darkness, such as is portrayed in Hindu mythology by Kali - the great mother, who is represented in the most terrible imagery.
  • Kali has a tongue hanging out long, drooling with blood, she has fanged teeth, she has a scimitar in one hand and a severed head in the other and she is trampling on the body of her husband who is Shiva.
  • Shiva represents also, furthermore, the destructive aspect of the deity, where in all things are dissolved so that they be reborn again - here is this bloodsucking terrible mother as the image of the supreme reality behind this universe.
  • It's the representative of the spider/octopus/creepy crawlies at the end of the line which we are all terrified of; this is an important image.

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

  • In the background of your mind, very far off you've got the sensation of something ghastly that mustn't happen and so against that which is not happening and which doesn't have to happen, but by comparison you feel alright.
  • And that ghastly thing that mustn't happen at all is Kali.
  • And therefore, at once we begin to wonder whether the presence of this Kali is not in a way beneficent.
  • How would you know that things were good unless there was something that wasn't good at all?
  • This is a variation, a way of looking at a problem, getting minds out of normal ruts, she's black.
  • Well she, first of all is feminine, represents what is called philosophically the negative principal.
  • People who are women and believe in women's lib don't like the negative because the negative has bad connotations, we say accentuate the positive, that is a male attitude.
  • How would you know that you were outstanding unless there was something instanding? 
  • You cannot appreciate the firm without the yielding and therefore the negativity of the feminine principal is lifegiving and very important.
  • We live in a culture that doesn't notice it.
  • You see a painting, a drawing of a bird, and you don't notice the white paper underneath it, you see a printed book and you think that what is important is the printing and the page doesn't matter and yet if you reconsider the whole thing, how could there be printing without the page underling it?
  • What is called substance, that which stands underneath, stands, to be substantial is to be underlying, to be the support, foundation of the world and of course this is the great function of the feminine.
  • The feminine is represented by space, which is black, at night, were it not for black and empty space there would be no possibility of seeing the stars.
  • Stars shine out of space, and astronomers are beginning to realize that stars are a function of space.
  • That's difficult for our common sense because we think that space is simply inner nothingness, we don't realize that space is completely basic to everything.
  • It's like your consciousness, nobody can imagine what consciousness is, it's the most elusive whatever it is that there is at all because it is the background of everything else we know so we don't pay much attention to it and instead things within the field of consciousness.

Buddy, you're a young man, hard man
Shouting in the street, gonna take on the world someday
You got blood on your face, you big disgrace
Waving your banner all over the place

  • What it is that embraces all of that, we don't pay much attention to it or think about it.
  • And yet that is that out of which you see, just as space is that out of which the stars shine.
  • That which you can't put your finger on, which always escapes you, the blank, seems to be necessary for there to be anything.
  • Kali also is the principle of death.  She carries a scimitar in one hand and a severed head in the other; death.
  • This is tremendously important to think about.  We put it off, it is avoided in our culture, in the hospital they try to keep you alive, and won't tell you you're going to die, when their relatives have to be informed the relatives don't tell the patient.
  • The dying person knows this is mockery.
  • Well of course we have made death howl with all kinds of ghouls with dreadful afterlives.
  • The idea of what might happen after death: you're going to be faced with your judge - the one who knows all about you.
  • He will look to the core of your inauthentic existence.
  • Reincarnation - your next life will be the rewards and the punishments for what you have done in this life.
  • You look upon death as a catastrophe based on what you do in life.
  • Then other people have an atheist point of view, when you are dead, you are dead, nothing will happen so don't worry.
  • We don't like this idea, because it spooks us.
  • What is it like to die, to go to sleep and never wake up?
  • It's not going to be like being buried alive, or like being in the darkness forever.
  • It's going to be like as if you never had existed at all, not only you, but everything else, there was never anything and no one to regret it and there is no problem.
  • Think about that for a while... it's a weird feeling you get when you think about that.
  • Just to stop altogether...

 

We will, we will rock you
Sing it out
We will, we will rock you

  • You can't even call it stop because you can't have stop without start and there wasn't any start, there's just no thing.
  • Then you come to think that's the way it was before you were born.
  • If you go back in memory as far as you can go you get to the same place as you go forward in your anticipation of the future, it is like being dead and you get funny ideas that this blankness is the necessary counterpart of what we call being.
  • We all think we are alive, that we are here, something called existence.
  • How could you experience that as a reality unless you had once been dead?
  • What gives us an idea of being here without contrast, and later on won't be.
  • This thing is a cycle, like poles, electricity, so this then is the value of the symbolism of she is black.
  • She, the womb principal, the receptive, the instanding, the void, and the dark.
  • And so that has to come into the presence of the god who has no image.
  • Behind the father image, behind the mother image, behind the image of light inaccessible and behind the image of profound and abyssal darkness, there is something else which we can't conceive at all - the luminous darkness - sunyata - the void - brahman, that which nothing at all can be said - neti-neti - beyond all conception whatsoever, and you see that is not atheism in the formal sense of the word
  • This is a profoundly religious attitude because what it corresponds to practically is an attitude to life of total trust, of letting go.
  • When we form images of God, they are exhibitions of our lack of faith, something to hold onto and grasp.
  • How firm a foundation, what lies underneath us, the rock of ages, but when we don't grasp, we have the attitude of faith.
  • If you let go of all the idols, you will discover that what this unknown is, which is the foundation of the universe is You - it's not you, you think you are, not your opinion of yourself or idea or image of yourself.
  • You can't grasp it.  Why would you need to?  Suppose you could, what would you do with it?
  • And who would do what with it?
  • You can never get at it, so there is that profound central mystery and the attitude of faith is to stop chasing it.
  • Stop grabbing it because if that happens, the most amazing things follow, but all these ideas of the spiritual, the godly, as this attitude of must, and we have been laid down the laws which we are bound to follow...
  • ...Is not the only way of being religious and of relating to the ineffable mystery that underlies ourselves in the world.

Buddy, you're an old man, poor man
Pleading with your eyes, gonna make you some peace someday
You got mud on your face, big disgrace
Somebody better put you back into your place

Quote

In the end
Time is like a night.
In the mind
Time is like a knife.
Sending them off the drop
Like an echo.
Orbiting like a satellite.

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Edited by Loba

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They shut the gates at sunset
After that you can't get out
You can see the bigger picture
Find out what it's all about

Hafnar-HorkaDolls-944.jpg

Notes:

  • This video is about the left-hand path.
  • In order to give you as accurate an idea as one can of what the left-hand path is considering how contentious the topic is - how misaligned existing definitions are and how emotional the topic can be for some - going to build up some context.
  • It is difficult to keep an entirely detached attitude towards what's known as the left-hand path, whether it is a deep attraction or deep revulsion or even just a tentative interest, it would be hard to find anyone with any spiritual inclination who felt nothing but indifference about it.
  • Naturally everything being a matter of perspective, many people following an exclusively right-hand path, don't realize that what they're following is indeed a right-hand path tradition until they discover there is such a thing as a left-hand path.
  • Many people in the west approaching what they imagine to be the left-hand path, may develop a warped idea of what the left-hand path is, based on their previous misconceptions of what the right-hand path was supposed to be.

You're open to the skyline
You won't wanna go back home
In a garden full of angels
You will never be alone

  • Let's start off by describing what the Western common misconception of what a right-hand, just to build up context.
  • The main tradition that has influenced Western society has been a state sanctioned form of Christianity, wherever government becomes involved with spirituality, the spiritual attainment ceases to be the focus of that tradition and defense of an identity starts to become the whole point.
  • After Constantine legalizes Christianity in the fourth century CE, we start to see Christianity less as a method for an individual approach to the divine, and more as a philosophy of good against evil, right against wrong, which naturally opens a path which is very convenient for a warring expansionist state, such as the Roman Empire, who can now say we are good, they are bad, let's destroy them for the glory of the state sanctioned idea of God.
  • Of course, it doesn't take very long for that weaponized ideology to be turned internally against inconvenient members of any given society, for example, self-empowered women during the dark and Middle Ages who can now simply be disposed of with a simple rumor that they worshipped Satan.
  • Side note: Satan, not to be confused with Lucipher, Satan only makes two appearances throughout the Hebrew bible and both times as an assistant to Yahweh, the idea that Satan as a ruler of Hell, some kind of Tartarus-like underworld are absolutely untrue, and only start gaining traction in the last few centuries before the common era.
  • These are not Biblical views.

But oh, the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

  • This archnemesis, this opposite to all goodness, Satan, becomes a perfect reason for justifying
  • "I cheat on my wife, she finds out, I accuse her of witchcraft which I equate to Satanism and suddenly her word is completely disregarded."
  • Best case scenario she is imprisoned or even burned at the stake, in either case I get to continue with my affair unhindered.
  • My political rival has an advantage over me - accuse him of devil worship, and the way is free for me once again.
  • This tactic is still very much alive and kicking in the 21st century and it works.
  • Fast forward - almost, but not quite to modern day, when the old state sanctioned churches no longer the stronghold of power that it used to be, new incarnations of the old institutions still have a terrifying amount of power in certain places, but on the whole, when compared to say, six hundred years ago, the church is now more of an inconvenience to the rich and powerful, who would rather turn to the media as a source of power, a much more convenient tool which they can mold to their will and doesn't shine such an evident spotlight on their own hypocrisy, especially if they own it and can actually use it to show their own lifestyle as something desirable and even worthy of praise.

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

  • So as a direct result of this, individualism is at an all-time high, and the idea of a tradition which in theory at least promotes chastity, modesty, generosity, kindness, selflessness, is rejected.  These are all qualities which get in the way of the new ideals of status and power, and the churches many unforgivable sins of the past have given to more than a few people a perfect reason to reject it, and along with it, any idea that may have ever been associated with it, including the concept of divinity, let alone love for divinity.
  • And so, in the mid 20th century when evidence has become unmissable that trust in a tribal God maybe misplaced, we start to see the rise of groups of people who claim to directly oppose the established state sanctioned idea of divinity, with the best-known leader of such a group being Anton Levay, the founder of the church of Satan, who was by his own admission, a complete atheist who didn't in fact even believe in the existence of Satan, but who didn't in fact believe in the existence of Satan, but who's organization set out to shock people out of what he considered to be their blind acceptance of the individualism inhibiting morality in beliefs of the church system.
  • But some people missed the point, and in the 60's and 70's we start seeing the rise of actual murders by people who claim to be following a so-called left-hand path. 

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

  • Objection against using the term left hand path, and where we start maybe approaching a definition - the name left-hand path comes from the tantric Indian tradition, and it's a spiritual path that explicitly seeks the face of divinity within the aspects of life that most consider ugly, taboo, or subversive, for instance, the western misconception of Tantra as a highly sexualized tradition comes from a single Tantric practice as the practice of having sexual intercourse in a ritualized context with someone who is not your husband or wife.

  • You have to realize just how taboo extramarital relations were, and are still in India, so this practice isn't about condoning an act that practitioner wishes to perform anyway, but just isn't allowed to do, it's about precisely performing an act which repulses the practitioner.

  • It is forbidden to carry out this rite with someone to whom you are attracted, it would defeat the whole point - so this practice is not mandated for someone who wouldn't find this repulsive in the same way they're expected to consume meat, but only because they're vegetarian.

  • There would be no point in the same practice for a meat eater.

If you close the door to your house
Don't let anybody in
It's a room that's full of nothing
All that underneath your skin

  • Followers of the left-hand path are known to work at morgues, handling dead bodies, something which is extremely taboo in Indian society.
  • Practices might even include stuff as eating a dead body's brains out of their open skull, but while all of these acts sound not just disgusting, but horrifying to most people, it's to the point.
  • The objective of the left-hand path is to find God in the lowest places.
  • There's a difference that's hard to miss between these acts, which cause no harm other than revulsion and a sense of offence on one hand and actually knowing and willingly causing suffering on the other.
  • There is plenty of ugliness in the world of which a left-hand path practitioner can practice finding the face of God, without needing to go onto generate more of their own.
  • The tantric left-hand path is known to be the most difficult of all the spiritual paths, as it is a path of complete self denial and poverty and hardship, but people choose to follow it because it's also known to be the fastest route to breaking the cycle of rebirth, and attaining nirvana or oneness with the godhead.

Face against the window
You can watch it fade to grey
But you'll never catch the fickle wind
If you choose to stay

  • Western setting, where unity with God has become seen as undesirable - it is evident in the left-hand path publishing world that a handful of people do clearly get it, and have managed to use the existing western paradigm to recreate a rather beautiful locally relevant equivalent of the Indian source, it is also abundantly clear from social media/publishers that plenty of people don't get it, and so we get these nonsensical situations where rather than Satan being worshipped as a necessary aspect of divinity, he is worshipped as the opposite of God and suddenly what you get is a philosophy which is nothing in common with the tantric left-hand path.
  • It's directly contrary to the objectives of what a left-hand path should be about.
  • There's nothing spiritual about a path which seeks worldly wealth, power, lust and ultimately the inflation rather than the deflation of ego through the destruction of others.

But oh, the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

  • A path which rejects divinity is not a spiritual path, regardless of whether it deals with spirits or not and it ends up being just as deluded and as destructive as its opposite path, which rejects the world and all its shadows as the church did for so many centuries.
  • Living in denial of either the light or the dark aspects of the human condition can only lead to suffering.
  • The common point between the witch hunting and someone sacrificing their pet cat to a demon for a chance to get laid is the lack of love.
  • One way or another if love isn't at the core of your practice, left-hand or right-hand, then you've missed a step.
  • And you seriously need to reconsider what you're doing.

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

  • Some sources on the left-hand path:
    • At the left hand of God - Robert E. Svoboda - relates from memory the stories and sayings of his deceased left-hand path tantric guru, it is eye opening, sometimes fantastical, but always challenging at the same time as being entertaining.
    • Aurorae - Gabriel McCarry - a beautiful left hand path work of art designed to work on many dimensions to work upon the reader in ways which alone unlock certain paths of understanding.
    • The cult of the black cube - Dr. Aurthur Moros - a terrific introduction to the western left-hand path of Satan and much maligned and much feared aspect of the Olympian pantheon.
    • Feeding your demons - Tsultrim Allione - a great one for introducing necessary shadow work into your practice, the simple but beneficial process she suggests can be easily and safely appended to any right or left-hand path tradition you might be following.
    • Tantra Illuminated - Chrisopher D. Wallace - perfect complete overview of the various tantric traditions of the left and right-hand paths as accessible and useful to the absolute beginner as it is to the advanced veteran.  

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

 

Edited by Loba

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Do I ever wonder?
More than words can say
Heaven knows it's hard
Enough to pray
Let me tell you something
There's a change in me
Even now you're gone
You'll always be

Notes:

  • Have you ever started a book or settled into a film and found yourself completely transported?
  • Sitting atop an ent's shoulders, that carries you under the dark bows of Fangorn Forest, or chroming your teeth with the war boys before glorious death in the wasteland?
  • Call it escapism, but there's a magic in walking the paths of someone else's mind.
  • Even more when you realize that you could be the one to lay those paths.
  • A world is a very large thing to create, though, without the proper tools world building rapidly devolves into a difficult task - you end up putting patterns in the wings of every beetle, naming every star of every constellation in the sky.
  • We may be a foundry, but only for stories, if we're going to help you learn the art of forging worlds, we'll need a proper angle to do it on, luckily we found just that.
  • With the help of the amazing humans behind WorldAnvil, we've been able to turn this series into something special, not only are we going to discuss how to build worlds, we're going to give you the opportunity to do it yourself.
  • WorldAnvil is a website dedicated to organizing and hosting your fictional worlds, you can write articles about your world, link them together like a Wiki, draw maps, nest those maps into larger maps, and access dozens of other useful features, all for free.
  • For this series, we're going to be working closely with WorldAnvil to run a world building competition - the prize, we'll use your world as the setting for the short story at the end of this series.
  • If you've been following the bizarre correspondence being kept with the entity that's been sending letters, you will want to stay until the video's end - the most recent letter received is the strangest thing they've said.
  • World building is interesting because it isn't exactly what it sounds like, as much as you can use it for spinning a whole world from the ether and devise the lineage of Gods, you can also use it to dress the inside of a hut or plan the layout of a town's square.
  • In this sense, the world in world building doesn't really refer to worlds at all - it refers to the places greater, smaller, varied or singular, desperate or cleverly interwoven - which compose them.
  • There are a lot of very good reasons to begin worldbuilding, pure love of the craft, experimentation with concepts and environments, searching for ideas and inspiration.
  • But we are story tellers, for us, worldbuilding represents the development of the places in which our stories happen.
  • The setting - and this is where things start to get complicated, so, find a notebook and buckle up!
  • It should be pretty clear at a glance that worldbuilding and setting design share an intrinsic connection, but they are not the same thing.
  • Where worldbuilding is about the creation of places, setting design is obviously about the creation of settings.
  • That's a good place to start, but for it to make an actual sense, we need to explain what we mean when we say the words place and setting.
  • In his book Story, Robert McKee lays out the four dimensions of setting which are period, location, level of conflict and duration.
  • The location and period together make place, the presence of all four of these things together makes a setting in which something most often a story happens.
  • For instance, Mediaeval Italy is a place, a Mediaeval Italian villa frantically trying to create a quarantine in the days before the black plague arrives, is a setting.
  • Everything so far has just been the groundwork for our actual topic... as long as you have a grasp on what the terms place and setting mean, you should be able to follow along without too much trouble.
  • What we really want to do here is show how setting design bridges the gap between world building and storytelling, and after a lot of research, we found a very simple way to do it.
  • We call it the three F's of worldbuilding, not to be confused with the four F's of evolution, that's something very different.

Does it seem so funny
For a fool to cry?
Do you know the meaning
Of goodbye?
There's a river flowing
By a willow tree
When you need to know
You remember me

  • Free design - this is what most people think of when they think worldbuilding, it is essentially the free development of a fictional world's places independent of any possible settings.  As you plan the locations and periods of your world, nothing is stopping you from painting with the broadest strokes, sketching with the most minute detail - you might place a mountain and move on, you might turn that mountain into a volcano with cultural significance to those living in its shadow who worship the primordial being that lives within.  You might even strip all of this from your world after creating it, you have the freedom.
  • Fixed design - when you decide to add a level of conflict over a duration of time to a place in your world, it becomes a setting.  At this point, the design of this particular place within your world becomes constrained by its new needs as a freshly established setting.  Take, for instance, the volcano from our free design - you might say that people it its foothills worshipped the primordial being inside, but what if the volcano begins to show signs of eruption?  What if in the weeks leading up to the cataclysm, all those people have to decide whether to flee or accept the gift of the god they worship?  Now you've appended a level of conflict over a duration of time, and in the process posed a whole list of questions about the place this new setting exists in.  What is their technology like?  How hard will it be for them to get away?  Is there any way to protect themselves should they choose to stay?  These questions now require answers for this part of the world to be cohesive.  It is now beholden to the setting.  It has become fixed.
  • Found design - This one is special because unlike the other two which are methods of building, it's a method of selection.  Found design is what happens when rather than freely building the places in your world, or determining which places need to become settings, something external drives you to discover the parts of your world that need building.  There are a lot of reasons this might happen, but the interactive nature of tabletop rpg's makes them one of the best examples.  A game master might have painted some broad strokes for their world and may have created plot hooks to compel the players towards certain possible places or settings, but what if an npc mentions that there is a cult out there somewhere who worships a primordial being in a volcano?  And what if the players then decide, plot be damned, they want to go find it, for the game master, that might just be a footnote, they might never have intended to develop that part of the world in any way, but now at the very least, they need to flesh out the place so that players can experience it, even more, they might need to add a level of conflict over a duration of time and turn this little footnote into a fully-fledged setting, depending on what they and their players want from the experience.  Instead of attempting to preemptively free design every possible blade of grass that could exist in their world, instead of plotting out a field of fixed settings with their own predetermined levels of conflict, they've allowed themselves to find the places and settings within their world.
  • We're storytellers, what we really care about here is how worldbuilding applies to storytelling, and for that we look to fixed design.
  • When writing a story, we want to be fairly constrained with the places we're building because if we go wandering freely into our worldbuilding, we might never actually write a story.
  • In fact, there is a term to describe the phenomenon of writers getting lost in free design - worldbuilder syndrome is when instead of working with a fixed design to develop the place specific to your stories setting, you begin a free design and get totally lost within the innumerable details of your world.
  • Luckily this is very easy to prevent, there are two main ways to approach fixed design - let's go over them one at a time.
  • First - the way we described earlier; you'd begin with a place, turn it into a setting through the addition of level of conflict over a duration of time and then build the details of the place specific to that new setting, essentially if you've decided your setting is going to be a city at the volcano's base and the days before it's eruption, full of people deciding whether to stay or flee, that is not the time to begin developing the holy unrelated underwater kingdom on the other side of the planet.
  • Second - way to approach fixed design, this is common with higher concept stories, is precisely the opposite, you begin with your level of conflict over a duration of time, and then build the place in which these things exist, in order to turn them into a setting.  So instead of creating a fixed point in a preexisting world and getting very detailed with it, you are creating only as much of the world as you need to from a starting fixed point, for instance you may decide you want to write a story about a people who are confronted with a cataclysmic event have only several weeks to decide between their beloved religion and their own lives.

Do I ever wonder?
More than words can say
Heaven knows it's hard
Enough to pray

  • Level of conflict and duration - you might then decide that their culture and religion has developed around a primordial being said to inhabit the volcano they live beneath.
  • Location and period - these both work really well - a recent Slavic folklore short story began with some inkling of place, generously given by the existing myth and tales and then we went on to add a level of conflict over a duration of time and developed a setting from there.
  • Junji Ito short story on the other hand began with the high concept that our protagonist ought to be a vehicle for the main spectacle, the horror, which let us develop a level of conflict over a duration of time before building the specifics of the place in which they exist.

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Edited by Loba

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The world flashing past
So many of us moving so fast

I feel my heart slow
As we wonder I don't bow down

Notes:

  • What happens to the human spirit when we take our own life.
  • It is common for people to think about leaving this world because this is a crazy planet, prison planet, it's weird - you're not alone in the impulse or the idea.
  • The human spirit at the time that somebody takes their life - what happens to that spirit - most of us have been touched in some way by suicide, maybe we know somebody who's killed themselves or we know somebody who knows somebody that's taken their own life and the thing about the people left behind is that it's not just about the grief of loss and dealing with that energetic shift that we all must go through when we lose somebody - it's about the confusion around suicide.
  • It's about not knowing where that person is.

Nothing left undecided
Upon steel on steel
Through these cuts in the Earth
No question who was here first
Many dreams many lifetimes
Any of which could be me
Except that I'm the one unable to move upon this machine
Upon this machine

  • If we've grown up in the church, especially Christianity, then we've been taught outright that people who kill themselves go to hell, and so now we're not just grieving because they're no longer with us, now we're grieving because they're in hell and we're caught up in this tremendous feeling of sadness and loss and we don't know what to do.
  • People who commit suicide do not go to hell and there's one reason for that, and that's because there is no hell.
  • Hell as a concept is unscriptural and it's also illogical.
  • It's not about going to hell or heaven, it's about dying and going to your place in the line.
  • Every single creature, people included, want to draw closer to God, that is the nature of life, we are all returning to the source that created us, that source energy.
  • We would call this God energy.
  • The amount of light within us dictates how close we are in the process or in the line in our return to God.
  • When we die, we don't go to hell or heaven, we go to a dimension that is an energetic match for our energetic constitution at the time of death.
  • For example, if you're somebody who dies and you are a despicable person, you've been mean, you've been cynical, maybe you've committed crimes, maybe you've lied, maybe your signature as a human being is quite low, when you die, the first dimension you're going to encounter is the dimension that feels like the person that you are at the time of death.
  • So, you're going to be going somewhere that's a match for anger, that's a match for hate, that's a match for crimes or whatever it is that you've done to become a bad person.

Pardon caravan emotion
Alone in crowds just like me
I fell between the moments
I fell between the endings

  • And that will look like hell to you, that's why we have people who are reporting near death experiences and saying, "I went to hell."
  • No, they didn't, they went to a mirror reflection of their own energy of who they were at the time of their death, likewise if you're somebody who's lived your entire life trying to be a good person, we always don't get that right and of course we are human, but if you've been trying to live your life as a good person, kind, to be love, to be in the light, then when you die you're going to go to a dimension that matches your energetic signature.
  • We call this heaven, is it really heaven?  No, it's just a mirror reflection of your energetic composition at the time of your death.
  • The thing to remember about these mirror dimensions is that they're temporary, most of us will not hang out in this preliminary dimension because it is all about getting back to God.
  • And just as in life, we have had the opportunity to enlighten, in death what we would call death, there is no death, in death we are also given the opportunity to advance and to enlighten or to advance in the line.
  • What happened to Hitler when he died?  Probably one of the worst people that any of us could imagine.  Did he go to hell?  He probably thought so, but what he did was he went to the back of the line, and now he's got all this work he's got to do energetically to become proximate once again to the source that created him, but he has the chance to ascend, he has the chance to evolve.
  • So, people who commit suicide, they're not despicable people, they're not bad people, they're typically sad people, they're people who are depressed, they're confused, maybe they're not in their right mind but they're not bad people.
  • So, when they die, they end up somewhere in that line, maybe right in the middle and they hit a dimension that looks like how they felt when they died.
  • Every single person who dies and goes into those dimensions will encounter a helper or two, typically more than two helpers.

As rain runs around the windows
Nothing here is still
All the paths have collided
Through all these villages and hills
So many dreams so many lifetimes
Any of which could be me

  • These are spirits that show up that help us to leave that dimension and go to the next one, they help us to evolve, that's their entire role.
  • A lot of people who kill themselves are actually really enlightened, they're just experiencing a window of weakness.
  • People think about how great it is going to be to be dead someday because we don't have to deal with what's going on, on the news, or what's going on in politics, what's happening to our food, we don't have to deal with all of the problems that are part and parcel with human existence, we get to just go to that dimension and we can do our work and get closer to God - sounds awesome.
  • Many people who have a spiritual compass or spiritual orientation or who are enlightened actually, when they die, they're way up there in the line.  Quite close to God.
  • We all have the same shot in life and in death, just because somebody kills themselves doesn't mean they go straight to hell.
  • There is no hell - they may go to the back of the line, but they can get themselves out of that just as we can get ourselves out of that just as we can get ourselves out of darkness, and backwards thinking here in life.
  • God is a God of love, he loves all of his creations and seeks to have his creations return to God, so that we can commune and be in union with the creator that brought us into being, that is the impulse of life and it is the impulse of God.
  • So, all of us, when we die, that fateful day, we are going to be in a space where we can advance and be close to God, that means even the worst among us, even the best among us, and all those that have taken their own life.

Except that I'm the one unable to move upon this machine

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Quote

Notes:

  • What you can expect to experience in the life review that takes place after we die.
  • There are a few things that happen once we die, the first thing that happens is we are popped into an astral dimension that is quite close to this earth reality, and from there we cross into what some people call the light, but this is just a transition into a higher, a newer dimension.
  • Once in that dimension, a few things can happen, but one of the things that always happens is something called a life review - a life review is an opportunity that each soul or spirit has to take a look at everything that they did in their life when they were alive on planet earth.
  • So, everything good, bad and in between.
  • The life review is actually a pictographic holographic experience, what you see are like pictures in front of you sort of like a holographic picture and you don't just look at the picture and remember what it is that happened in that particular experience, you actually go into each and every picture, you actually go back in time, if you will, and re-experience that situation, circumstance or person, but you don't just experience it from your vantage point, in other words, remembering what happened to you at the time.
  • You also experience it from the other person's vantage point, or from the entire situation, all views, panoramic, and this is important because every single person that we have hurt, every single person that we have done wrong, we have abused, we have been critical toward, we are going to actually feel visa vi the life review, what it felt like for these people to be hurt by us.
  • We're going to actually experience their pain.
  • Likewise, we also experience how it feels for someone else to have been blessed by us, every single time we do something kind or we bless someone, or we go out of our way to be kind or be generous - that is obviously experienced by that person and we get to feel what that feels like to bless somebody.
  • One would much rather have a life review filled with experiences where one is within the love that they give themselves and given to other people.
  • One may not have a fully only love full life review, they will have moments where they have to relive what was done to other people.
  • We came to this world, we came here to have experiences where we loved and were loved and we also came here to experience moments where we were in pain and caused pain to others.
  • All of this is useful in the grand scheme of things, all these experiences are simply energy and at the time of our death, when we are in front of that hologram, we actually get to feel in our spirit, in our soul, that energy and it edifies us and it causes us to evolve in the afterlife, we get to ascend, we get to proceed and draw closer to God as a result of all the things we did and experienced.
  • Knowing this should compel you to be better in your life, to be good in your life, to be love in your life - remember, you were created in love by the God of love, and it is your duty, your obligation to be a human being on this planet who expresses and represents that love.
  • You want to have more of those kind of experiences when you stand in front of that hologram then the other ones that you know are going to hurt.
  • Be love in this world, be kindness in this world, let all these experiences edify you and edify others.
Quote

Notes:

  • The meaning and purpose of a life review - as immortal cosmic beings of infinity, our life on planet earth is like school, at the end of any school term, there is usually an assessment, an evaluation.
  • Many are not aware, but each one of us will take ourselves through such an assessment at the time of our physical death, when we leave this planet.
  • This assessment is commonly called a life review.
  • At the time of our death, when our soul is ready to separate from the physical body, there comes a moment when our whole life rolls by like a rapid motion movie, and we are allowed to look back once more.
  • Fully conscious, we evaluate our past, the earthly life down to the most insignificant sensation.
  • We will evaluate it from different points of view, which we have never done before.
  • The main criterion is that of actualized, unselfish love and service.
  • The exact moment of this review varies, in many cases the soul is still connected to the physical body via the silver cord.
  • This way the dying person would have one final opportunity to make amends, forgive or ask for forgiveness before he leaves the earth school.
  • But very often this review will take place after the soul has arrived in the spiritual spheres.
  • The life review is not always like a projection on a big movie screen, it can be like a panoramic view or like many T.V. screens, or three-dimensional holographic experience, or some have this life review in an amphitheater or an arena.  
  • Others heave their review read from the Akashic records by spiritual beings.
  • In many cases we are accompanied by our guardian spirit, and other beings of light like a council of elders who are observing the review with us - these beings of light can fill us with the love for this process so that we can feel totally safe, supported and deeply loved in their presence.  
  • This is significant because our life review can show us moments, habits or deeds that we are not proud of.
  • We cannot escape from who we really are.
  • In the spiritual world, nothing remains hidden because we no longer have a physical body with which we could fool others and even ourselves.
  • This can be a very painful but humbling experience.
  • We can see this life review, also just like a mirror that reflects back to us the contents of all our feelings, thoughts, words and deeds, exactly as they have affected others.
  • We see the ripple effects of our actions.
  • We may feel how others have once felt because of us, and what future choices they have made because of us.
  • Without this mirror, we may never be aware of how even the most innocent acts or words have impacted others, either positively or negatively.
  • In our life review, we may also see why other people have hurt us.
  • We may gain insight into their own personal drama and struggle that make them a thief, abuser or just a very unhappy and imbalanced person.
  • We may suddenly feel deep compassion for those we thought were our enemies.
  • We now sense the truth.
  • Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
  • What if during our life review, we may be surprised to find out that all the things we thought were terrific, like all our grand and worldly achievements are actually of very little value, or totally meaningless now.
  • Why?  Because they're mostly done for ourselves.
  • What if it may turn out that deeds and thoughts, that we might have considered to be unimportant are far more meaningful than we could possibly have imagined?
  • For instance, what if we may find out that a simple smile that we once gave to somebody and which we had immediately forgotten was the most important event in our life?
  • Let this sink in: it is often an event that appears insignificant, but maybe the whole reason why we incarnated and came to planet earth in the first place.
  • In such moments, we had acted spontaneously from our heart from love instead from our mind, or intellect.
  • We had expressed love in a purer, greater and unconditional manner.
  • Throughout this whole process of the life review, we will be our own judge, nobody else would judge us - not even God because God is love and love does not judge.
  • Even the beings of light who maybe with us will not judge us, on the contrary, they may rejoice and even applaud us when genuine love is displayed in our review.
  • They may also ask us questions to help us explore whether our motivations were based in love.
  • We would be our own judge over our past thoughts and actions, this is a moment where we can see how we have measured up to our goals and mission in life.
  • Our life review is a form of self-appraisal to monitor our spiritual development.
  • But there is one another reason as to why we feel so intensely how our words, thoughts and actions have hurt and impacted others during our life review.
  • This pain is the basis of our conscience and will be stored in our soul for future reference.  
  • So, if we in the future once again come into a similar situation of a conscience, we quickly bring back this pain to remind and warn us not to do the same mistake again, but think, speak and act from love.
  • A life review can be humbling, sometimes painful, but it will also be thrilling because it gives us a deep understanding of our life and of our true purpose.
  • In short, we may recognize that the only thing that is important is to live through the heart and be service and love for one another.
  • The question we would be asking ourselves, how much have I loved unconditionally during my life?
  • Our life review will give us the honest answer, so the message for all of us is that every day counts - are we willing to clear up anything, are we willing to bring balance and order back into our life, for if we do, we can actually rewrite the script of our future life review into a much more positive way.
  • Particularely when our words, deeds and actions are based on love.

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Edited by Loba

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Yeah, I'm going up tonight like I should know better
Faded focused on your eyes, know I'm a go-getter
Know it's colder on my side, we let the road wet up
Nights in a row get up, you know I know pressure

Notes:

  • I suddenly found myself in complete darkness.  There was nothing to grab hold of until I remembered that I had a body.  When I felt the love of light come on within my heart and little by little it grew larger until it illuminated my body.
  • I sensed that I was in some kind of cave or dark tunnel and towards the back, a small light appeared that grew larger to the degree that my light grew.
  • It got nearer as if it were a reflection of where I should go.
  • In the darkness, there were many shadows of people around me, walking without feeling or purpose, like zombies.
  • I saw on my right a being who didn't show me his face.
  • I thought it was my dead grandfather; he indicated to me that I shouldn't try to speak with those people because they would pay me no mind.
  • They were in their unconscious dream, walking like robots.
  • This made me sad and feel compassion towards them.

Came up, came up, came up
Drip, drip, dripping gold metal
Got us, got us falling like rose petals
Got us, going crazy we won't settle
Got us, got us falling like rose petals (rose petals)

  • I decided to continue on my way towards the light at the back of the tunnel, and came out upon a very beautiful little beach.
  • There were many ranges of colours that I have not seen on earth, they were very clear and sharp but didn't hurt my eyes.
  • There was very white sand and the blue of the sky and water were very lovely.
  • The colour of the rocks, etc. weren't reflections of anything.
  • They shone in their own light, the figure on my right who was guiding me stopped.
  • I could not see his face.
  • Though we were at a small enclosed beach, there was a hill that served as a place for projecting my life from beginning to end several times.
  • At first rapidly, and afterward more slowly, it was amazing how my life was shown with events I had completely forgotten about and others that were so insignificant that it felt like I was seeing each frame of the personal movie of my life on earth.
  • I realized I understood everything with great clarity and super lucidity, that I had never experienced before.
  • I discovered that I had personally chosen to take on a physical body and have the life experiences I was having.
  • I realized I had wasted time in suffering, and what I should have been doing was using my freedom to choose true love and not pain in all that came into my life.
  • I saw that I myself had designed the life I would lead before voluntarily coming into this world.
  • I saw that my freedom within the physical body was to be found only by consciously cultivating happiness in all my thoughts, feelings and actions because I had designed or chosen my destiny before taking on a physical body.
  • I realized that there was no judging or punishing God-like religions say there is, and it was my mind with an expanded consciousness that judged itself and sifted its actions through the filter of perfect conscious love.
  • I returned to the front of the beach and saw on the bottom something like an island in the form of a mountain.
  • At its peak in the sky, a very white sun spoke to me telepathically and made me understand everything about life.
  • Suddenly, coming out of this light, I saw a myriad of beings dressed in white, they followed someone who carried himself with great magnificence, who had a white beard and wore a kind of tunic that was whiter than that of the others and was very beautiful.

Twenty shots, I'm 'bout to pull up with the gang
Silver switched to gold, I guess they had to freeze the frame
Couple yеars ago, I wouldn't think this be a thang
Now they pull up on me diffеrent, feel like nothing been the same
Sometimes wish it never changed
Sometimes wish it'd fall apart
Take me back there in the dark
Understand it's just the start

  • He came down on my left where I was standing, without touching the earth, floating above the peaceful sea.
  • On his breast he wore a gold cross of Malta, surrounded by a circle that was also golden.
  • He looked at me with serenity.
  • And the procession of beings was my late father, who also wore a white tunic and I asked him telepathically what are you doing here since you have already died?
  • He told me in like manner that he was in the world of the living, and that I came from the world of the dead on earth.
  • This greatly surprised me and I remembered that I had come from earth and have left my three small children alone.
  • I looked at the bearded man and asked him to allow me to return to be with them because they needed me.
  • He agreed and told me I could go back.
  • All of a sudden, I went to a place lower than the images on my left and saw a series of rocks in the sand jutting out into the sea.
  • I saw myself sitting on the largest rock which was between the beach and the sea.
  • I wore a white tunic that was semi transparent, decorated with twinkling gold stars, I was surprised to see myself pregnant since my marriage was not a happy one and the last thing I wanted was to be pregnant again.
  • Suddenly there emerged from the sea, I only saw the upper half of his body, a beautiful being, quite young, of white complexion with very large turquoise blue eyes and golden curly hair.
  • He smiled at me, and told me telepathically that he was my true husband and sent me his love.
  • I felt infinite tenderness, I understood that the kind of love closest to divine love in this life is that which we feel for a small child.

I know, I know, I went too far
I know, I know, it's push to start
Now get the fuck out of my car, 'cause you don't know me

  • As this wonderful feeling came over me, I heard within my heart a voice that said through love you will understand everything.
  • The essence.  This was followed by a feeling of great peace mixed with joy within my soul.
  • I sense that my life would change for the better and this has been the case ever since because I have a greater understanding of my life's true meaning.
  • I then turned to see the light in the sky, a telepathic force poured a series of codes filled with millennial wisdom into my mind about creation, the world, my life, and that of all other beings that inhabit all universes, everything being eternal, spiritual life, everything belonging to it, and that the distinctions or differences that we make in this life are done out of ignorance or because we have forgotten this truth.
  • As if by a giant magnet, the light drew me to it and I was submerged in its interior, where all there was was light.
  • I forgot I had a body and felt fused with the light.
  • At that moment, I experienced a feeling of unity and understood everything with extreme clarity.
  • I discovered what reality is, and saw and understood with my consciousness so alert that it allowed me to comprehend everything with infinite perfection, without any doubt.
  • From my heart sprang a feeling as if there were something I had always known but had forgotten, and that I cannot explain with words or human language.
  • I felt like a co-participant in the creation of the world.
  • These are just some of what I understood, remember and brought back with me to this day.

Yeah I'm going up tonight like I should know better
Faded focused on your eyes, know I'm a go-getter
Know it's colder on my side, we let the road wet up
Nights in a row get up, you know I know pressure

  • One - we live in a plural unity, or oneness, in other words, our reality is unity in plurality and plurality in unity.
  • Two - I was everything and everything was me, without essential differences other then in temporal appearances.
  • Three - There is no external God, but God is in everything and everything in God, just as life itself.
  • Four - There is no God outside ourselves, but is rather in everything and everything is a part of God as is life itself.
  • Five - God is everything and nothing at the same time.
  • Six - Everyone and everything are temporal phenomenon within this dimension is where it should be because it emanates from the blueprint of a shared dream.  If we can call it that, that is repeated indefinitely until we understand what is essential or real. 
  • Seven - Everything is part of an essential game of life itself and to the degree that we live by true love, unconditional and universal, the closer we are to an understanding of what life truly is, which is true happiness and perfect wisdom.
  • Eight - Everything is experienced in this life and the next are essentially the same because everything is God.  Nothing is outside of God, just as nothing is outside of life itself.
  • Nine - Death is a metamorphosis of time.  One more illusion from our mental concepts, essentially time does not exist nor does space, they are illusions of our creative mind that plays a game of self deception in the creation of events.
  • Ten - We are like a mirror where we perceive the refection of our reality in its many facets and illusions.
  • Eleven - The creator is eternal creating and one of the creations is the practice of conscious love.  One learns to paint by painting, that's why this temporal human illusory creation exists as though it were a matrix within another matrix, and this within another multidimensionally until we wake up.
  • Twelve - I experienced something that can't be transmitted with words, but that can be expressed as the essence of life is its total nothingness.  Please understand, nothingness as something that has no intrinsic substance but is rather constructed by a multitude of phenomena which in turn are formed by another untold multitude of phenomena to the point of infinity.  I understood that intangible, indescribable life is all that exists - there is no death, it's only a description to show the polarities in the world of phenomena.
  • Thirteen - Consciously living by love is the essence of life itself and is made manifest or materializes in this plane of existence as a cohesive force to recreate itself in multiple forms as a game in which nothingness recreates itself in temporary illusory events.
  • Fourteen - The known universe is a fraction of infinite reality that by love has become finite pieces in our temporal hands.
  • Fifteen - I learned thousands of other things without end and it is difficult to express in words because words are insufficient, they can't describe what I experienced in this other state of consciousness that was much clearer than this one.

Came up, came up, came up
Drip, drip, dripping gold metal
Got us, got us falling like rose petals
Got us, going crazy we won't settle
Got us, got us falling like rose petals (rose petals)

  • When I returned to this life I felt I had fallen into a very heavy space, and that my body was as lead and my mind was the same and very slow.
  • I saw my loved ones, family and friends as if they were nothing to me.
  • They were only reflections in the great theater of life and each one voluntarily agreed to play a part to learn more and better how to love.
  • I spoke with them to tell them about my experience and they looked at me as though I were crazy.
  • I realized they didn't understand what I was saying to them.
  • Little by little, my experience grew faint, but there appeared many new special experiences of telepathy and intuition developed between others such as voluntary out of body experiences and involuntary bilocation.  
  • I especially cannot control the later and I would like to know using conventional language how this phenomenon happens.
  • I only know that everything is eternal, pure consciousness and that we are in a mental dream that is permanently being constructed as a dynamic of consciousness that knows itself and recreates itself through each one of us, that we are the point of emptiness where the void or nothingness of the universe becomes aware of itself.
  • It is really hard to explain this.
  • I know that everything I saw originates from thoughts or the universal mind.
  • It is projected in images and events that interact with lucid consciousness as an experience, and this whole experience is a part of the infinitude of that which is real on every plane or level of existence that we want to invent or divide into pieces so that our temporal mind can decipher despite its limitations.
  • I believe I understood that what we call God is the silence of indescribable life that is in everything and everything is in it.
  • As an analogy, we could use the image of steam converted into water then into ice.
  • Once it is in that state, ice forgets that it is steam with its capacity for expansion.
  • This is what happens to us in this plane of consciousness.
  • I believe I understood that what we call God is the silence of indescribable life, that is in everything and in which everything exists or is within it.
  • A marvelous loving and conscious eternity.
  • I feel that all the images that were created in my mind during this experience before entering into the light are symbolic thoughtforms of something perhaps more profound that could serve in support of a translation of that which is an essential experience.
  • It is impossible to explain with our limited human language, yet I am now trying to decipher it little by little.
  • I noticed a change in the speed my mind worked and developed my intuition or universal perception of life.
  • It is difficult to translate with my physical brain that which is essential or infinite with conventional language.
  • Perhaps through the art of telepathic communication, soul to soul, it can be done.
  • I will continue trying to do this and will try to see if someone who has experienced the the same phenomenon, or who has had a similar experience has another part of the verbal puzzle..
  • I will conclude by saying, from but one piece of clay, may forms can be made.  All mental designs crystalize in fleeting forms of nothingness.

Twenty more, I'm 'bout to pull up all alone
Couldn't find my favorite chain, but I'm still dripping in gold
Out here coping with the pain, through the lanes we on the go
When I needed you the most
When you end up like a ghost
Sometimes I wish you would've left me in the cold out on the coast
Now we found a way to float through the waves on our own

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So you left a hole
A hollow sack beside my bones
I picture you calling
I am only watching
My thought

Notes:

  • We're going to talk about the void today, it's about the void, that is to say, a sense of complete and utter darkness.
  • To many religious folks this can sound a little scary because it sounds like a form of outer darkness, but that doesn't seem to be what it is at all.
  • To some people it is unpleasant, to some people it is very pleasant and to most people it's somewhat benign, it's kind of like an in between place that maybe a brief moment or it may feel like it goes on for a long time.
  • This experience was a case where they were pronounced dead and placed in a morgue before they came back.

The time is rolling by without you
I'm holding on and waiting for a change
I'm only lost because I found you
If I could then I would
Go where you are
If I could then I would
Go where you are

  • The first thing I remember about my near death experience is that I discovered myself in a realm of total darkness.
  • I had no physical pain, I was still aware of my existence, and all about me there was darkness, utter and complete darkness.
  • The greatest darkness ever.  Darker than any dark, blacker than any black.  This was what surrounded me and pressed upon me.
  • I was horrified, I wasn't prepared for this at all.  I was shocked to find that I still existed, but I didn't know where I was.
  • The one thought that kept rolling through my mind was how can I be when I'm not?  That is what troubled me.
  • Slowly I got a grip on myself and began to think about what had happened, what was going on, but nothing refreshing or relaxing came to me.
  • Why am I in this darkness, what am I to do?
  • Then I remembered Descartes famous line, "I think therefore I am."  And that took a huge burden off me.
  • For it was then I knew for certain I was still alive, although obviously in a very different dimension.
  • Then I thought, "If I am, why shouldn't I be positive?" That is what came to me. "I am in darkness but I know I am, I am what I am, I must not be negative."
  • Then I thought, "How can I define what is positive in darkness?  Well, positive is light."
  • Then suddenly I was in light, bright, white, shining and strong, a very bright light.
  • It was like the flash of a camera, but not flickering.  That bright.

I'll go where
Where you are
Go where
Where you are
Go where
I'll go where
Where you are
Where you are

  • Constant, brightness.  At first I found the brilliance of the light painful, I couldn't look directly at it.  But little by little I began to relax.  I began to feel warm, comforted and everything suddenly seemed fine.
  • The next thing that happened was that I saw all these molecules flying around, atoms, protons, neutrons, just flying everywhere.
  • On the one hand it was totally chaotic, yet what brought me such great joy was that this chaos also had its own symmetry.  
  • This symmetry was beautiful, and unified and whole, and it flooded me with tremendous joy.
  • I saw the universal form of life and nature, laid out before my eyes.
  • It was at this point that any concern I had for my body just slipped away because it was clear to me that I didn't need it anymore, that it was actually a limitation.
  • Everything in this experience merged together, so it was difficult for me to put an exact sequence to events.
  • Time as I knew it came to a halt.  Past, present and future were somehow fused together for me in the timeless unity of life.
  • At some point I underwent what has been called the life review process, for I saw my life from beginning to end, all at once.
  • I participated in the real life dramas of my life, almost like a holographic image of my life going on before me.
  • No sense of past, present or future.  Just now, and the reality of my life.
  • It wasn't as though it started with birth and ran along to my life at the university of Moscow, it all appeared at once.  There I was, there was my life.
  • I didn't experience any sense of guilt or remorse for things I had done, I didn't feel one way or the other about my failures, faults or achievements.
  • All I felt was my life for what it was, and I was content with that.
  • I accepted my life for what it was.
  • During this time, the light just radiated a sense of peace and joy to me.
  • It was very positive.
  • I was so happy to be in the light, and I understood what the light meant.  I learned that all the physical rules for human life were nothing when compared with the universe, with this unitive reality.
  • I also came to see that a black hole is only another part of that infinite which is light.
  • I came to see that reality is everywhere, that it is not simply the earthly life, but the infinite life.
  • Everything is not only connected together, everything is also one, so I felt a wholeness with the light, a sense that all is right with me and the universe.
  • I could be anywhere instantly, really there.  I tried to communicate with the people I saw, some sensed my presence but no one did anything about it.
  • I felt it necessary to learn about the Bible and philosophy, you want, you receive.  Think and it comes to you.
  • So I participated, I went back and lived in the minds of Jesus and his disciples, I heard their conversations, experienced eating, passing wine, smells, tastes, yet I had no body.
  • I was pure consciousness.
  • If I didn't understand what was happening, an explanation would come, but no teacher spoke.
  • I explored the Roman empire, Babylon, the times of Noah and Abraham, any era you can name I went there.
  • So there I was, flooded with all these good things and this wonderful experience.

I lay on my back
The stars above my head move fast
The night keeps me going
'Cause I know your sky is spinning
The same

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Edited by Loba

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My Night with The Beast aka How to Cut a Cord

“There isn’t anyone to help you. Only me. And I’m the Beast. . . . Fancy thinking the Beast was something you could hunt and kill! . . . You knew, didn’t you? I’m part of you? Close, close, close! I’m the reason why it’s no go? Why things are the way they are?” - The Beast; Lord of the Flies

  • Trigger warning: This story contains scenes of rape, abuse and attempted murder.  Do not read if you are sensitive to such material.  I've written it to come to terms with some things from my past, to understand my hatred of men, to reconcile with the atrocities and abuses that happen in the world and to come to understand that despite all of that - why am I somewhat attracted to it?  What is its appeal?  I want to understand why a part of me thinks I deserve mistreatment and where that comes from, and how my insecurities play into this.  I've drawn inspiration from my personal experiences, accounts from other women and a bit of embellishment and imagination.

Tired eyes echo tired lives
We’ve worked ourselves to the bone each night
To keep ourselves crawling back inside
Fingernails are broken down
Our limbs are torn out
Hearts are crowned
With the sorrow of a decade of decay

Our waxen wings have let us down again
Like Icarus, we flew into the sun
The pride in our eyes was our only disguise
And now we lie here broken and alone

It happened last month during the night of a full moon.  I was taking a hike on a trail that I use regularly and decided that day that I would go a bit further and it took longer than expected.  By the time I was halfway back down the mountain, it was dark out.  I knew this trail and had followed it many times and the moon offered extra lighting and so I had a false sense of security.  I did not have anything on me and I brought no one with me, although my family knew that I was making this hike as I do it nearly every weekend.  I heard a rustling sound in the bushes behind me just beyond the trail and at first I thought it was an animal, but then I heard the sound of fast, heavy footsteps racing towards me and before I could turn around, something large and heavy knocked me to the ground.  The wind was knocked out of me and I found myself on my stomach on the forest floor, wrestling with what felt to me at the time to be a very large man.  He ripped off my yoga pants and tank top with his claws and raked into my skin in the process.  I tired to turn around to kick him off of me, but he had one hand on my back, pinning me down and I couldn't move.  I tried calling for help and screaming, but I knew no one would be out on the trail at this time of night.  My clothes were laying around me, shredded.  I felt the tip of something press against me and in an instant my body was collapsed into it, like a knife cutting into butter.  I had never in my life felt a pain that sharp, that obtrusive.  I screamed.  My lower body started to convulse, trying to push him out of me.  He did it again.  I screamed again and clawed at the dirt from under me, writhing, flailing, panicking.  My heart felt like it would beat right out of my chest.

This is when I realized that what I was dealing with wasn't entirely human.  I felt long, sharp jaws grasp across my entire neck.  I could feel his wet, heavy breath collecting moisture in my tangled hair, on the back of my neck and I knew if I continued to move around that he would bite into me and I would be done for, so I stayed as still as possible.  A large amount of adrenaline was running through me and the pain from his thrusts eventually gave way to a sense of numbness.  I tried to focus on my environment.  Anything to get out of my mind, to try and pretend that what was happening was not indeed happening.  I breathed in slowly the cool summer air and concentrated my vision on the black forest in front of me and tried to look into what was there.  I concentrated on the feeling of the needles moving under my swaying body, and the softness of the dirt and tried to ignore the sounds of his pants, the slick, wet sounds of his movements.  The numbness gave way to a warming sensation that started in my cervix and spread throughout my body in waves.  It was a welcome sensation to the sharp, splitting pain that I was experiencing only minutes before.  I felt like I would black out and tried to focus in on this sensation and everything around me, which I was more acutely aware of.  It felt like with each movement I was hitting a ball of flesh, that he was trying to press into me, but it wouldn't fit.  I felt my skin start to split and it finally tore and he inserted it inside of me.  If I could feel any pain at all, I would have screamed like a caught rabbit, but luckily it gave way with as much ease as the clothes that were torn off my body.

He turned us on our side and put one hand on my belly and another cross my mouth.  The air smelled so sweet in between his leathery fingers.  I felt dwarfed, stuck like a pig on this giant's body.  There was the sensation of a slow drip of warm liquid that filled what little space there was left inside of me.  He pressed his wet nose up to my ear and whispered, gruffly, almost sweetly, as if he hadn't just been my rapist, "There is no cure Annie..." 
I didn't know what he meant.  My mind was left to fill in the blanks.
"There is no cure Annie..."

...To your shitty life.  Your spirituality is at a standstill and hasn't gone anywhere in years.  You cling to old experiences and rehearse them in your mind in the hopes that they will provide the key to your development as a person, but all you end up doing is muddying the waters.  Do your experiences even mean what they did originally or have you gone over them so many times that they've devolved into an egoic shit show of hopes and dreams that will never play out?  God has abandoned you.  You deserve this.
"There is no cure Annie..."
...The one thing that could have saved your life from all of this, from your inevitable self destruction, is your beauty and you're getting older and it's fading.  The medicine caused you to gain weight and you'll never have the figure you used to have.  You never did anything with yourself, with your life.  You're useless and overly dependent on the people around you and you do nothing but cause problems for them and you focus solely on yourself.  You deserve this.
"There is no cure Annie..."
...You hope that if you're just good enough, if you can turn the tide at the last minute that you'll be granted a second chance in a better life, but this is all you'll get.  You're blacking out and you might never wake up again.  There might be nothing there on the other side.  It's just you and The Beast, engrained as an experience that will live on in the ripples of time as your only legacy.  And they'll find the remains of your body tomorrow, ripped up, torn and eaten, strewn across the trail.  They might remember you for a time, before everything that you ever were fades away into the obscurity of nothingness.  There is no heaven for you.  There is no hell for you.  Only Now, and you deserve this.
"There is no cure Annie..."  
The ground around me feels as if it is spinning and I can't retain consciousness any longer.  I dissolve into what feels to be the deepest sleep of my life.

The next morning I wake up - surprised that I am still alive - to the sound of bugs flying around my body, feeding on the blood from my scratches that adorns my stomach, my back, legs and arms.  I sit up and look around, feeling disoriented.  I've been down this trail so many times before, but I feel confused and have no idea where I'm at.  I stand up and a large volume of blood-red tinted semen pours out of me, down my inner thighs and legs and burns where I've been torn up.  My inner organs and cervix feel bruised and I take a few moments to breathe deeply so that I don't get sick.  I look around for my shoes, but they're missing and the clothes that I was wearing are irreparably torn up, so I leave them there and continue heading down the mountain.  I know somewhere along the trail there is a large pond that I can bathe in.  The sun is shining in between the heavy foliage and I look up at it while walking down the trail and try to formulate a sentence, but my mind has gone blank.  "There is no... there is... no..."  After about twenty minutes of walking I spot the pond and make my way down carefully to its banks.  I look into the water and take a deep look at my reflection.  The light is gone from my eyes.  I can both see deeply into my soul and also right past it.  The woman that I was, that I will be, that I could have been is gone and is replaced by a husk.  There's no one home anymore.  Perhaps there never was anyone home to begin with.
"There is no cure Annie..."
I say it to myself.  For the first time since I've woken up, I can formulate a sentence.  I've internalized all of it, every negative thing that a person can think about themselves and have made it a part of me.  I sit on the edge of the bank and scoop up some water from the center of my reflection and rub it on my inner thighs and legs before moving onto the cuts and scrapes on my abdomen.  After cleaning off the blood and cum from my front side, I try to reach my back but I ache too much to twist around too far and decide to wade out into the water, rest on my back and push against the edge with my feet.  I float towards the center of the pond, where the sun is shining and the mixture of the cold water on my back and the warm sun on my belly feels nice.  I'm thoughtless and I feel free and I think to myself that this must be what death is like, weightless, without any pressure, just floating with the current.  I stay like this for an uncountable amount of time before the sounds of a group of people off in the distance break my concentration.
"Annie, are you okay?"
"Annie can you hear us?"

 

It's been a month and I am walking through the forest trail again.  It's dark.  I've brought with me a second change of clothes in a small bag and a large dagger.  I feel conflicted.  I don't know whether or not I want to let this thing fuck me or if I should kill it.  On the one hand, it was the most honest interaction that I have ever had with a male.  I realize that the Beast runs through the hearts of all men, and I see their thinly veiled attempts at keeping it hidden or conquering what is inside of them.  The world has never been equal.  It's never been about men and women, it has always been about predator and prey.  We pretend that it's all on equal grounds, but one sex will always be stronger, more logical, more cold blooded.
When I was with the Beast, a part of me felt that this was simply the natural order of things.  That for who I was and what I had done, that it's where I belonged and the extinguishment of my identity that followed the act was something that I had been searching most of my life for.  I wasn't a woman.  I wasn't even a human.  I was nothing but the ever flowing, ever changing current of time.
And yet, the other part of me thinks of the brutal acts committed by the Beast, the rapes, the beatings, the blind objectification.  The world is set up to gratify the whims of men and women are nothing more than meat on the market.  I think of the wars waged in the name of the Beast, the destruction of tenderness and of femininity in the wake of a sick society of which there is no cure.  I think of my naivety in my youth, thinking that people were interested in who I am and not knowing that I was a temporary subject of the meat market, not understanding why I found myself being used by the Beast.  I think of my sisters, my daughters, my friends and mothers - all subject to the same treatment.  It's a man's world.  There's no denying it.  There is no running from it.  And I don't know whether I should accept it, to take this role or to do my part in destroying the Beast.  How did it even know my name?...
There's a clearing on the trail and I stop and set down my bag and inspect the blade of the dagger in the moonlight.  I let the light reflect off of it.  It looks beautiful.  I picked it out just for this purpose...
There's a rustling behind me in the brush and then the familiar sound of heavy footsteps.  I grip the dagger's handle firmly in my hand.  I've made my decision and there's no turning back now.

You came for blood (Tarantino)
You kill me love (Al Pacino)
The way you lie to me tell me that it feels
Just like it used to
Love versus lust
Never enough (How will we know)
Take off the glove (Let it free you)
And when you ride with the devil and your
Soul blows out the window
Lay in the dust

And I'll take this bitter truth
Always was your tool
Never once for me always for you
Like a lock without a key
Just another causality
Losing who I am for who I'll be

If I was not enough
Then you were too much

Under the gun (Need a prayer now)
Suffocate my lungs (Losing faith now)
In my movie watching myself die before
The end scene
Lay me to rest
Numb with the drugs (Lose my way now)
Stay on the run (It's a shake down)
When you ride w the devil in ya soul
Blow out the window
Lay in the dust

And I'll take this bitter truth
Always was your tool
Never once for me always for you
Like a lock without a key
Just another causality
Losing who I am for who I'll be

If I was not enough
Then you were too much

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FOMO - A relatable archaic tale, also an old dream of mine:

I thought I felt the sun
I thought I saw your face
But I'll never see the world
Behind the star gates

There used to be an old handmade shack behind the forest trail at the high school I went to when I was a kid that everyone would congregate in to smoke cigarettes and weed, and this dream takes place in that shack.  I had taken up permanent residence in it, sequestered myself off from the world, and inside it was a large white mansion with practically nothing inside of it other than a white room, a metal spiraled staircase that went up to a single, plain, large bedroom with wooden floors and a bed that overlooked the ocean.  It looked like a shack from the outside, but it was actually a portal to a completely different world inside and I claimed it as my own private space and did my best not to allow anyone to enter.  At the bottom of the staircase, in the large white room, many vines were growing up the walls and weeds were starting to take root.  I would spend most of my time carving sconces that had no lights into the walls of the mansion, just making the same carving motions over and over again, day after day.  I had planned to add light to the walls, that the whole interior would be filled up after I had completed my single-minded, repetitive task.  I had finished all of the sconces on the bottom of the mansion and was working my way up the staircase.
Occasionally people would try to enter into the shack from the side of the real world, and I would push on the door to keep them from entering, calling out, "Just go away!"  Sometimes a group of people would manage to open the doors and I would fly down from the banister and blow a wave of toxic air onto them and the flesh from their bones would melt right off, leaving nothing but a bunch of bare skeletons.

I thought I felt the sun
I thought I saw your face
As I walked in the dark of the moon
But I'll never see the world
Behind the star gates
Locked away light years from you

This time, a man made of black smoke entered my sanctuary.  Because he was made of smoke, he was able to go right through the door.  He seemed to be made of multiple consciousnesses and as he spoke, a new face would replace the old one, creating a hushed, echoed sound, where the replaced face was the loudest, followed by the whispers of the ones that were overlayed behind it.  Like turning the pages of a book.  I was working on a sconce on the side of the wall, close to my bedroom.  I was almost done with the staircase and had planned to make these pores all around the outside of my room, but to leave the room as bare as possible.  The smoke-man was very curious about my place, and I could hear from him, verbally and telepathically, as his curiosity swept across every inch of my home, "What's this-this-this?  What's this-this-this?  Interesting-esting-ing..."
I flew down in a panicked fury and tried to dissolve his body, but being made of smoke, there was no flesh to dissolve.  I pleaded with him to turn around as he slowly made his way up the staircase, inspecting everything with an overbearing curiosity.  I would try to force him back, and he would go right through me.  Realizing that I couldn't get rid of him, and feeling worried that he would reach my room, I flew back to the top of the stairs, went into my room and inverted the contents of all of it into my heart.  After I did this, there was a large hole where the room used to be.  I was floating above the ocean from where I had just stood and took off, straight forward across the body of water as quickly as I could.  I looked behind me and could see that my mansion on this side of reality was in the shape of a gigantic conch shell, the size of a very large mountain, and all around the porcelain white surface of the shell were little indentations that I had carved out there as well, so that I could also add more light to the outside of it.

I thought I felt the sun
I thought I saw your face
As I walked in the dark of the moon
But I'll never see the world
Behind the star gates
Locked away light years from you

I remember skimming across the water as I flew at a breakneck speed.  There wasn't any land for miles and miles.  Eventually I spotted an island that had a very tall wooden fence all cross the outside of it, and a short little elf-like man guarding the entrance.  I didn't want to deal with him, so I walked around the shore of the island looking to see if I could find a way inside.  When I circled the island and found no way in, I turned into a white wolf and dug into the sand and pulled myself in to the other side from under the thin hole I'd dug.  What was on the other side was rows and rows of tiny little Victorian-style houses, adorned with ivy, sitting on top of cute, perfectly manured little lawns, rows and rows of them, one after the other.  The little neighborhood looked so perfect, I thought for a while that I could set up shop here instead and that perhaps no one would bother me, but upon further inspection, the ivy was fake, the lawn was made of plastic and the houses were build from cheap plywood.  This gave me an uneasy feeling, like you get when you see something crossing the uncanny valley line, and I turned into a wolf again and dug back under the fence and when I did this, I didn't find myself on the island, but a beautiful pine forest in the middle of winter time.
It was so pristine, there was untouched snow everywhere.  I stayed in my wolf-form, and walked up a mountain and took it all in.  The stunning, perfect, quiet beauty of the forest.  This must certainly be what I was looking for all along.  As I made my way up the slanted trail, I noticed a cabin off to my right.  It was a two-level a-frame cabin with one giant window.  It looked a bit worn down, but not too much.  I went inside and looked around.  Everything inside was in perfect order and looked as though someone lived there.  They had great taste in design, the kitchen was very modern.  Off to the left of the kitchen was a meditation room that looked over the giant window, that looked over the front yard of the forest.  There was a shelf that went along the middle of the room that had a lot of nick-nacks on it, and the entire floor was adorned with a huge mediation cushion, a lot of pillows, and blankets.  There were also two skeletons sitting in this room, still wearing their clothes.  I took it to mean that the owners of the place had passed on and that I could use the cabin for a while, so I took them outside and rested them against the side of the cabin next to a pile of chopped logs, went back in and meditated on the cushion for two entire seasons without moving.  The snow melted, grass grew, there were deer and squirrels and bugs in the air, the sun rose and set and rose again.

I thought I felt the sun
I thought I saw your face
As I walked in the dark of the moon
But I'll never see the world
Behind the star gates
Locked away light years from you

After two seasons of this, I realized that this wasn't where I was supposed to be, but I did feel more peaceful and wise after all those months of meditation.  I turned into a wolf again, left the cabin and went back down the mountain.  The trees were green, the weather was lovely and I could hear all sorts of birds chirping and the buzzing sounds of insects.  I found the entrance to the gated community and dug another hole under the fence, found myself back in uncanny valley and took a look around to see if anything had changed.  Nothing.  No one seemed to be living here, either.  I walked from one side of the community to the other, dug a second hole and found myself on the other side of the fence, but back on the island.  I took a deep breath and jettisoned across the ocean water, back towards my mountain-shell.  I figured that it had been enough time, and that the smoke-man was most likely gone.  This was the only place that I had set up for myself that felt right and I didn't want to abandon it.  Nothing else had the same feel to it, it didn't feel like it belonged to me.  I spent what seemed to be a longer time getting back there than it took to leave and when I arrived, I noticed that there were thick tendrils of black smoke coming out from the hole where I had taken my room with me, which was still located for safe keeping within my heart.  I could sense a panic and agitation coming from what was inside, but I was worried that I would be overcome by this black smoke if I went inside and soared around the mountain-shell trying to figure out another way to get in.
As I was moving across it's surface, I realized that I wanted to take this smoke, which looked like of like tendrils of calligraphy ink, and to place them in each of the sconces that I had carved on the outside of the mountain.  It would be a shell, with millions of these filled with the black-ink-like substance.  There was no underlying reasoning for it, I just wanted to know what his smoke would look like if it covered the surface of the mountain in this way.  I felt as though it would have an aesthetically pleasing quality to it and that it could make a statement, but by the time I was able to fly around the entire shell, my energy ran out and I began to fall down towards the ocean.

I'll never see the world
Behind the star gates

With the last of my energy, I opened my heart to my room and bubbled myself inside of it, and it crashed into the water and sank slowly.  In that moment, I knew that this would be the end.  I would sink, and die from the lack of food or oxygen, and felt a semblance of wicked irony that at the last minute, that I knew what I wanted to do with this smoke and that I would have welcomed the man into my home if only I had been inspired at the right time.  But this isn't what happened.  Instead I was sinking, right below my mountain, right below the hole that I had made in it, right below the dark tendrils reaching out to signify their own loss, and I sat on the edge of my bed, in my plain little wooden room and put my head in my hands and watched as the water outside of my window grew darker and darker as I sunk deeper and deeper before I hit the ocean floor with a thud.

You caused the rain, I brought you pain
But you're the only one that could save me
You caused the rain, I brought you pain
But you're the only one that could save me
Oh save me, please save me
You caused the rain, I brought you pain
But you're the only one that could save me
Oh save me

Sometimes I hit you with a dial tone
You're right but then I say you're wrong
Sometimes I drink too much caffeine
Or go to sleep like I'm Delpo Movin

There's a light, there's a light in your window
There's a light, there's a light in your window
There's a light, there's a light in your window
There's a light, there's a light in your window

Sometimes I leave you come along
Sometimes there's skeletons in my bones
And that I drink way too much
Come home I'll hit you with the sucker punch

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