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I feel annoyed with myself.  I got into a big fight with my mother last night while drunk.  There were some things she has been doing that are boundary breaking and I was holding it in and verbally let her know how I felt.  Like, a few nights ago there were some dishes in the sink and I thought the dishwasher was full, so instead of talking to me about it she yelled and put the dishes by my door.  These passive aggressive things, I don't like them and so when I was inebriated I went off at her for her lack of boundaries and lack of simply asking me why I had not put the things away.  Being treated like a child... it is annoying.  I am in my 30's... could be due to the fact that I still look so young, people forget that I am an adult...
But my promise to myself was to limit these things until I no longer react, and that was the goal for this year and I have failed at it and will have to try harder.  I had gotten through almost a month without any problem.  She treats my dad meanly, too and so I went off on her for that also.  He is too whipped to stand up for himself most of the time.  She doesn't have a lot of empathy for certain things, and then a whole lot for other things.  Not very well rounded, and used to abuse me a lot as a child.  I called her names and I am not proud of that.  I don't know how to argue without hitting below the belt.  I want this part of my personality integrated ASAP.  I am tired of being argumentative, "emotionally fragile", and sometimes a real cu**.  It just irritates me that I want to be a grown ass adult and can't act like one.  I know I was triggered, but it doesn't matter - there has to be a better way.  I just want to be a chill person without the Bipolar swings.  I feel so angry with myself because I made a promise to myself that this would not happen again...
I wish she could just respect boundaries.  She is butt hurt about it, but she did start the whole thing with her irrationality.  But it takes two to tango.  So I need to get a grip.

I don't want to be an angry person, I want to be a happy person.

Notes:

  • When you are angry, you poison your system.  Generating poison in the system by being angry, so why would you want to poison yourself? 
  • It is not a conscious act, the mind is not taking instructions from you, if it were - you would be blissful, peaceful and not angry. 
  • Pay more attention to the mind - you don't have to avoid anger.  Human life should not be circumstantial, if life is good then you are good or if life is bad then you are bad. 
  • It should be like this, "If I am good, everything around me becomes good by proxy."  This is the reality.

"Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self-respect."
"Treat others as you would treat yourself."

 

Edited by Loba

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You literally described my mother to the T. Almost every line was my mother. She has been doing this all my life where she tells me what to do and what not to do and everything I do has to be for her or else it won't be right in her eyes. She is OCD, perfectionist, passive aggressive control freak who always steals my freedom and constantly breaks my boundaries and makes me go insane. She would tell me some work and then remind me  every 5 minutes that I have to do it. Every time I tell her a boundary about something I don't like, she does exactly just that. It's as if she is doing it just to piss me off and when I get pissed off she will label me a bad daughter. She becomes weirdly and insanely angry if I did even little things my way. She will tell me to do the dishes as though I'm her maid and then tell me that I didn't do it right. She won't allow me to cook, I always go to the kitchen when she is not around. If I ever went to the kitchen when she is in there she would get very insanely aggressive as though I committed some crime. Everything has to be her way or the high way. I have struggled very hard to get away from her control. Yesterday I discovered that she had stolen clothes from my room and my clothes were in her closet. Then when she went outside for her regular walks, I went to her room and retrieved my clothes and put them back in my room. And when I don't listen to her endless demands, she even gets violent and when neighbors come to check the commotion, she tells them that it was me who was acting violent and tells her sob story of how awful of a disobedient daughter I'm. I tried leaving her in late 2019 but by March 2020 the pandemic began and my owner threw me out so I came back to live with her. I even take her to the hospital for her scheduled visits but nothing I do is ever enough and everything I do for her is taken for granted and considered a "duty" I must do. My dad just couldn't handle her and she almost drove him to his death by overworking him. I didn't want the same outcome for myself. 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

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Wetiko is a very interesting concept. I've been reading about it lately. Something emerging in the forest makes me feel spooked. But it's also intriguing. 

Have you heard about Wendigo? Back when I was listening to paranormal stuff I've heard about the Wendigo and its kinda popular in American lore. 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

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On 2/21/2022 at 7:42 AM, Loba said:

6 am - coffee, breakfast, meds
7 am - feed pets, shower
8 am - body care routine: nails, lotion, face, eyebrows, hair care, feet
9 am - get dressed, brush teeth, floss
9:30 am - work out 1/2 hour
10:30 am - meditate 15 mins
11 am - clean/organize
12 pm - lunch,
write
4 pm - walk dogs
5 pm - dinner
6 pm - write
8 pm - meds, altar offering for spirit-thing
9 pm - checklist diary entry, brush teeth, bedtime


I have not been feeling motivated to write, but I have been drawing a lot.  I'm drawing pictures for my altar, some are lovely, some are not appropriate - so I have not been showing them.  I also am making a pact with this thing, and with it comes an honesty I dare not reveal here.  Perhaps I will get back into note taking while I wait for my inspiration to kick in? :) 

 

Notes:

  • You need to reflect on your life, "Who do you want to be and do with your life."
  • The topic of habits - we humans are creatures of habit - 40-45 percent of our daily behaviours are habits - almost half of everything you do every day is actually a habit.
  • Examples - the time you get up, computer games, cell phones, driving a car, eating fast food, exercising.
  • What do all these behaviours have in common? - Habits are by definition automated behaviours that we repeat over and over again always in the same context or environment and that run un our subconscious mind.  You are not conscious of it because you have done it so many times, you don't have to pay attention, your mind is wandering, but you are not really there.
  • Example - driving a car - you might drive somewhere, you would arrive and couldn't remember how you got there - because driving has become so habitual.
  • Habits are triggered by a que - They are rewarded at the end, dopamine is released at the end, it signals to the brain that this is pleasure - reward
  • Example - every time you get a message or notification a little bit of dopamine is released in the brain.  Companies like Facebook, they program their software so dopamine is released in the brain and why cell phones are so habitual.
  • Habit loop - a que triggers the behaviour, behaviour carried out, rewarded in the end, dopamine released, because of this we do it again the next time the que comes around - we go through this many, many times and we have many habits and in the background all our habits run through this loop over and over again.
  • Behaviour of working focused - forest app, you plant a seed on this app and when you don't check your phone for a set amount of time, you plant a tree.  At the end, he would grow a forest at the end of the day and have 7,8,10 trees - he called this his new deep work habit and worked perfectly.
  • By going through this habit so many times for several weeks, he was changing certain mechanisms and structures in his brain.
  • What he did was simplified the whole thing a bit, and drew a sketch of his brain.
  • You will see a network of neurons starting to connect, which are at first week, but after several weeks of repeating the same behaviour over and over again, the connections get thicker and stronger and after four, five, six, weeks, seven, eight, ten times a day, the connections will get even stronger.
  • There will be a layer of fat wrapped around it called myelin.
  • What does that mean and why does it help? - Our brains are energy consumers, they eat energy - the human brains weighs two percent and consumed 20 percent of our whole energy supply.
  • Our brain makes important behaviours cost little energy, meaning the thicker the energy level between each neurons the less energy needed to activate the behaviours. 
  • We shouldn't invest a lot of energy to go through the behaviour, instead do it often.
  • Human brain has 100 billion neurons and has trillions of connections and is very complex - despite this complexity, this simple principle still applies - whatever you repeat over and over again, that's what the brain decides is important.
  • Repetition is what the brain decides is important, and this is crucial.
  • It doesn't matter if it is something good for you, like exercising or bad like smoking or whether it is something needed like driving a car, whenever there is a lot of repetition and dopamine released in the brain the brain decides is important.
  • Make your nervous system your ally instead of your enemy. How do we do this?  How do we make our brains our allies and don't let it become our enemy?  It is not easy, but not impossible and it is simple.
  • Be aware.
  • Addiction is nothing more than an over expression of a behaviour that turns something negative.  If we can see those processes in action, this is where awareness comes in, we can change them.  If we can't see them we are dead in the water.  Awareness is the basis for learning good habits, and letting go of habits that don't help us.
  • You have to observe, see and be honest with yourself every day for this to work.
  • Write down for one week everything that you do and be honest with yourself, be honest about the small behaviours that you have and look at the list and be honest - is that what you want to do every day?
  • Would you like to change something on it?  Go small steps.  Small steps will let you achieve big things, it might take longer but it is much more likely that you will keep moving.
  • Get one percent better each day, be consistent, start by reading for five minutes a day a difficult book, meditate for three minutes a day, but keep going, keep doing it for weeks and it will get more eventually.  
  • At the beginning a new behaviour will hurt, but eventually it will be tolerable and eventually it will feel good and you will miss this when you don't do it and that's the point you want to get to, that is when you have formed a new habit.

 

Edited by Loba

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Today is just going to be a free flow kind of a day.
I've been looking online for a puppy.  I don't know if I am ready as I still miss my other dog very much.  My parents got rid of her instead of keeping her while I was in the hospital.  Kind of fucked up they did that, I would not have done the same.  I would have cared for their pets if they needed the help... this happened in May and I still often have pangs of extreme sadness for the loss of my dog.  She got adopted out.
I think they feel bad and we have agreed next year to adopt a small breed dog.  I am going to name it Kokopelli, Koko for short.  The dog will help with my mood.  I do whatever I can to try and get my mood regulated; calm, aware... :) I am a wonderful pet owner, and the description that my dog got was "perfect for first time dog owner" and she had her trademark big smile.  It still does hurt.  So does the loss of Lemon, who died in 2018 from a hernia.  We tried to save her but the complications were too great and so she died in surgery.  I feel so annoyed that I have wanted is a small dog to own and I have had such bad luck.  This will be the last time.  I am going to save up for a very sweet little chihuahua, a healthy puppy and no hernia or irresponsible parent will take her from me.
The one thing - puppies need to be on a schedule - so I have to make sure that I can maintain one for myself to start with.  Then, with all this extra time, I can add the dog onto it.  It will be easy.  I just need to continue working being more responsible for myself.  I can do it.  Ultimately, the loss of Puppins was due to me not taking care of myself the way I should have been.  Maybe I didn't feel I deserved it?  There was a lot of self hatred going on.  I was being bullied a lot; or so it seemed.  Now that I have some distance from the situation, I could have just walked away, but I thought it was life or death - and now I know better.  It was.  But I know better...  I over focus on the wrong things sometimes, and if those wrong things go wrong then it spoils everything.  I don't adapt well.  It's quite annoying that I can't.
This dog will be the key to trying out my breeding hobby in the future.  If I can care for this little dog really well, and stick to a schedule, I can maintain something like that - which is basically just that - and I know how to care for animals very well, I just have a natural skill for it.  And I used to work at dog daycares, so I know the routine for caring for a lot of dogs at one time - that kind of work could be beneficial as it would help me get out of my head and also allow me to practice Love by giving my puppies the best possible start in life.  We shall see, if life moves me in that direction.  

I have decided to let my brother have Rusty, my cat, temporarily until our older cats pass away.  It will be a few years, they're only 13, and Rusty is about 6.  He is spraying and attacking the older cats and my brother has a large room away from the fray.  Rusty will be content there.  He knows my brother, who took care of him while I was in the hospital.  It makes me sad, but it will be the best living arrangement for him; I refuse to get rid of him, and I think he needs more space.  His sister, Sandy is starting to bully him - though she's only half his size and he hides under the couch all day - so I think they both need their own territories.  He loves me a lot, and I love him so much, but I don't want his personality to change due to stress; animals need to be kept away from stress if you want to keep them happy and tame.  I can foresee him developing a spraying issue if I don't move him to a new territory; and once they develop that habit, it's hard to break them of it.

 

Edited by Loba

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On 2/28/2022 at 8:55 AM, Loba said:

6 am - coffee, breakfast, meds
7 am - feed pets, shower

8 am - body care routine: nails, lotion, face, eyebrows, hair care, feet
9 am - get dressed, brush teeth, floss
9:30 am - work out 15 mins
10:30 am - meditate 10 mins

11 am - clean/organize
12 pm - lunch - full, write/art
4 pm - walk dogs - parents walking them today
5pm - dinner
6 pm - write/art
8 pm - meds, altar offering for spirit-thing
9 pm - checklist diary entry, brush teeth, bedtime


Puppy supplies needed - puppy food, chew bones, collar, leash, pee pads, id tag
Bring with me - medium carrier, blanket

Notes:

  • Coral is considered a final stage which can be talked about in two different ways - there is a scarcity in data, and so there is some speculation.
  • These are largely hypothetical stages, but it is possible to possibly explore some of these higher stages because as states, everyone can and might have experienced or had some access to some attributes, some aspects of these higher stages as states, so that does allow us to make some educated guesses.
  • Certain saints and sages have spoken of these qualities and you can access them at any stage and interpret them from the stage you are at, but there is valid reason to believe that these stages are real and they are forming at the frothy edge of humanity.
  • Nobody really knows precise information about these stages.
  • Once we get to stages beyond turquoise there are a couple of ways we can look at them.
  • When we speak of stages above turquoise, they are called the third tier.
  • We can speak about these third tier stages as sort of one indigo realm, or one coral realm as a catch all or as Aurobindo and Wilber has taught we can also break four different stages in the third tier.
  • The higher stages are called unitive stages.
  • Individuals at this level are now able to witness the whole song and dance of prior ways of understanding and meaning making with compassion and equanimity. 
  • They understand the need of the personal ego to ensure a sense of permanence and sustainability while at the same time recognizing the illusion of the desire for permanence. 
  • The previous ways of viewing reality solely from the self's perspective and through the medium of language is transformed. 
  • The new paradigm has a universal or cosmic perspective as an organizing principal and has a steady place from which meaning is derived.  It is non-centered in the ego, although the ego is available as a perspective when useful. 
  • Unlike state experiences that gave people glimpses of mystical or unitive experiences, now these are steadily available in the witnessing stance. 
  • This is a defining characteristic of third tier is that what we had access to, what we have access to as states are now readily available as traits. 
  • Unitive individuals experience themselves and others as a part of ongoing humanity embedded in the creative ground, fulfilling the destiny of evolution/involution.
  • The two sides of the Paciolian paradox are integrated.  Feelings of belonging and feeling of one's separateness and uniqueness are experienced without undue tension, they are simply changing perceptions of the unending possibilities of being. 
  • At this level of integration, adults can look at themselves and other beings in terms of the passing of ages, near and far in geographical, social, cultural, historical, intellectual and developmental dimensions.
  • They can take multiple points of view and shift focus effortlessly among many states of awareness; they feel embedded in nature - birth, growth and death, joy and pain are seen as natural occurrences, patterns of change in the flux of time.
  • In contract to other stages, unitive individuals have intense non demanding relationships with people regardless of their development, age, gender or any other identifications.
  • They see the dignity in all manifestations of life, others feel worthy and whole in their presence.  
  • This sounds like green, but in contrast to green, coral individuals feel interconnected with others as all sentient beings struggle to survive and make sense of their existence.
  • Person of the unitive stage feel tolerance, compassion and an affiliation with all manifestation of life which is not true for green.
  • To summarize - unitive adults are more likely to have a balanced integrated sense of their belonginess and separateness as individuals because they feel part of the ongoing evolution of the universe in all its aspects and cycles, creation, destruction and recreation.
  • Second tier is still cognizing and conceptualizing ultimate reality or absolute truth, the ultimate meaning of life and even that is sporadic at best.
  • Third tier is embodying and living it, the level of liberation from the ego - a strong and actual liberation from the ego and it is now integral to one's entire being.
  • Some of the big leaps is that in third tier we are really entering higher and higher spiritual realms as stable traits beyond mere temporary peaks states and anyone could have access to, and then interpret from the stage they were at.  Coral, indigo and beyond, seeing lesser and lesser degrees of the ego.
  • The ego is more and more ephemeral, it's grasping is more exponentially fleeting and perhaps none at all.
  • to truly embody the transpersonal beyond world centric to include all of it - their tier is kosmocentric.  
  • The first of these four stages are called paramind or coral/indigo are called "illuminated mind". 
  • The second is metamind/"intuitive mind", which is violet.
  • The third and fourth are called overmind and supermind - overmind is ultraviolet and supermind is clear light.
  • Those common characteristics that they share in the higher stages is that they each have a transpersonal component or aspect, they recognize their higher self beyond the relative personality, they inhabit the transpersonal.
  • They experience or perceive a direct embodied sense of wholeness, in other words the paramind/indigo/coral is said to be able to see wholes and the metamind is able to feel wholes, the overmind can witness wholes and the supermind is being whole.
  • The third characteristic that is common is that they embody and awareness of awareness as an almost constant sense of awareness, the state of any other tier is now a trait.
  • So it isn't so much that one is aware of awareness, instead that this unitive space, there is no I.  There is very little of the I, instead there is awareness as a merged embodied, experienced, and that sense of awareness itself is aware of awareness and consciousness.
  • Another aspect of third tier is it is marked by a type of emerging of a state and a structure stage.
  • Every experience is a combination of a state and a stage, like a dance between them.
  • Third tier, each of those identified four stages has a particular state that is intrinsic to that particular structure, so the indigo, coral paramind structure is the union with the grow state.
  • The violet metamind intuitive mind is the union or merging with the subtle state.
  • The ultraviolet overmind with causal witnessing state.
  • Clearlight supermind is one with the nondual state.
  • How to perceive these higher levels of development: higher levels of development are not easy to separate into granular levels.  Towards the end of Maslow's life he separated out his highest stage of self actualization into two stages of self actualization and self transcendence.  He creates a six stage model instead of a 5 stage model.
  • The more data we get will lead to a division of stages.
  • Another way to approach this is: you can theorize based on what you have already seen and extend that concept further, so in mathematics will be called analytic continuation.
  • A formula produces a pattern, but it is incomplete, and you take what you expect based on the existing pattern to be so and so.  Creates effective solutions in math and in life.
  • Sri Aurobindo approaches this process of developmental stages from a more conceptual level, so basically says if reality exists, then given the fact that we can experience oneness, then oneness should be one pole and the other pole we should have the experience of separation as an individual and then levels of development should be plotted between those two poles, so then we can say the increasing levels of ego transcendence lead within that framework naturally to unity awareness and that is also what we would say even though our sample size is small in the unitive stage, the pathway that we've been seeing throughout all these previous levels of development suggest that's the way it is moving forward.
  • Increasing levels of complexity and self transcendence. 
  • Speaking about the differentiation between the levels of development, look at the state experience and then see how they are representative of stages of development because if we work to maintain and develop states over a prolonged period of time they become traits.
  • These states theoretically must refer to stages of higher development.
  • The way to these higher stages is through the states, so the more we experience and educate ourselves of these states that resemble these traits, will  perhaps give us a little bit of insight and vision into what that might be like.
  • There are practical things we can do: we want to do as much shadow work as possible.  Shadow and trauma work, because at these higher stages, as we evolve stage by stage, they include and they transcend and they are very fluid, these are not wrings in a ladder.
  • The potentiality for even more unknown aspects, or long forgotten aspects of ourselves is high.
  • We cannot speak intelligently on shadow at these higher stages.
  • There could be a psychotic depersonalization, a sense of being so merged that one can be really moving into dissociation.
  • The supermind awareness is like this electric sense of awareness, where the way that it shows up is in a state of coincidencia oppositorum.  All opposites are in union.  
  • To see how we can see the value of what we see as this or that, to turn it into this and that.
  • Some of this is koan work - zen koans - finding a community that works with koans, it is important to do this work with community somehow.
  • If we are in a state we need someone who can check it.
  • In relation to the overmind - meditation can strike you like a thunderbolt, a disturbing reality that one has to really question and contemplate on, like a koan.
  • Ramana said, "That which is not present in deep dreamless sleep is not real."  Sit with that.
  • What is not present in deep dreamless sleep?  Nothing.  Your entire world is absent in deep dreamless sleep so that means that whatever we consider is our entire world is not real.  That is a scary realization. 
  • A lot of meditators if they stick with it encounter that and so the return from that is when you can feel really transformed by that.  So work with that kind of contemplation, work, give yourself fully to working with those types of koans.
  • Exploring states: think about working on flow states, find practical ways to enter flow states, getting to know what that is, because in a flow state the primitive brain gives us a break so we are not coming from that first, second tier state of fight, flight, freeze, fawn, we are much less identified with the ego.
  • Psychedelics, but have a trained teacher in a safe community.
  • Polarity management, that sense of living in a space where opposites are in union, take anything and everything and try to put it through the thesis and antithesis and synthesis. 
  • First tier is thesis, a lot about constructing the self - we all have to construct an ego.
  • Second tier is antithesis, the deconstruction phase of ego and self, and so it is going away from all we had constructed and believed in.
  • How to bring that into the union, the communion of the first and second tier?  The third tier is the synthesis of it all, sacred and profane, heaven and the marketplace that we are fully allowing ourselves to come into synthesizing.    
  • Ken Wilber excerpt and divine schizophrenia:
     In these stages you become split minded because you have access to both the witness and the ego.  You are actually whole minded, but it sounds like a split because you are aware of the constant witnesser spirit in you and you are also perfectly aware of the movie of life.  The ego and all its ups and downs.  So you still feel pain, suffering and sorrow but they can no longer convince you of their importance.  You are no longer the victim of life, but its witness.  Because you are no longer afraid of your feelings you can engage them with much greater intensity.  The movie of life becomes more vivid and vibrant precisely because you are no longer grasping or avoiding it and thus no longer trying to dull or dilute it.  You no longer turn the volume down, you might even cry harder, laugh louder, jump higher.  Choiceless awareness doesn't mean you cease to feel, it means you feel fully, deeply, feel to infinity itself and laugh and cry and love until it hurts.  Life jumps right off the screen and you are one with all of it because you don't recoil.  If you are having a dream and you think its real it can get very scary, say you are dreaming that you are a tightrope walker - if you fall off you'll plunge to your death, so you are walking slowly and carefully, and suppose you start lucid dreaming and you realize that it is just a dream.  What do you do?
    Become more caution and careful?  No, you start jumping up and down, you do flips, you bounce around, you have a ball, precisely because you know it is not real.  When you realize it is a dream you can afford to play, the same thing happens when you realize that ordinary life is just a dream, movie, play - you don't become more cautious, you start jumping up and down and doing flips because it is all a dream, all pure emptiness.
    You don't feel less, you feel more because you can afford to and are no longer afraid of dying or living.  You become radical and wild, intense, vivid, shocking and silly, you let it all come pouring through because it is all your dream.  Life then assumes its true intensity, its vivid luminosity, its radical effervescence.  Pain is more painful and happiness is happier.  Joy is more joyous and sorrow even sadder.  It all comes radiantly alive to the mirrormind, the mind that doesn't grasp or avoid, but simply witnesses the play and can afford to play even as it watches.
    What would motivate you if you saw everything as the dream of your own higher self, what would actually move you in this playful dream world?  When you see your friends suffering because they think the dream is real, you want to relieve their suffering, you want them to wake up, too.  Watching them suffer is not fun.  And so a deep and powerful compassion arises in the heart of the awakened one, and they seek above all else to awaken others and thus relieve them from the sorrow and pity, torment, pain, terror and the anguish that comes from taking the dreadful seriousness, the passing dream of life.
    So you are a divine schizophrenic.  You are split minded in the sense that you simultaneously in touch with both the pure witness and the world of the ego- filled.  You are actually whole minded, because these two worlds are not two.  The ego is just the dream of the witness, the film that the witness creates out of its own infinite plentitude, simply so it will have something to watch at the movies.  At that point the entire play arises within your constant consciousness, no inside or outside, no in here or out there, the nondual universe of one taste arises as a spontaneous gesture of your own true nature.  You can taste the sun and swallow the moon and centuries fit in the palm of your hand.
    The pure I-I, the great I-amness breathes to infinity and creates the cosmos as the song if its very self, the oceans of compassion fall as tears from your very own original face.  Lat night I saw the cool refection of the moon in the pond and nothing else happened at all.
  • There is nothing to say, and that is where we close.
Quote

I'm being blacksheeped by the family.  I'll finish up these notes on stage coral tomorrow...
My mother comes in pissed off because I have not yet cleaned off the cat pee in her bathroom that does not even belong to my cat.  I told her I would do it at a certain time, got some other things done and it wasn't done exactly when she wanted it, so she comes in with an attitude and I don't want to deal with it - this is like the third time someone has interrupted me in the middle of this lecture and I am trying to listen and learn and she starts in with the arguing where she is the one who started it, then acts like a victim.  I can't get her to shut up, it's like a bird call or something, or a baby scream, it just goes on and on and on.  So we argue, because, of course I am going to get it done - but I have an entire list of other things to work on, such as writing that I have been putting off.  So she puts down my schedule, even though this schedule is going to get me healthy again by telling me that I should already be doing it and telling me I don't know anything about the world and calling me a child.  She treats me like one, and has the upper hand and blacksheeps me because she's a borderline.  She fake cries, that kind of shit.  Because I went off on her about boundaries, or which she flat out said she refuses to follow, she thinks I am going to "do something".  She wants me to, that's why she is suggesting it, because she wants me to be the "bad apple" so that she doesn't have to look at her actions and the abuse that she gave me as a child.  It was extreme, bullying, and unnecessary.  I will never get justice for it and she knows a frying pan across the face would be a justice well deserved.

She better not steal my new dog.  That's the "horrible thing" that I am about to do.  To replace the dog that they got rid of during my most vulnerable.  I am doing well, so I am not going to let her drag me down.  She wants to aggravate me to violence and then claim victimhood.  If you had to deal with this person, you would understand - it is like, nagging that never ends.  Nagging, browbeating, and all she cares about is that I get a chore done for her.  She does very little to help me in my life, but wants me to do all these things for her.  She thinks she helps, but really, she just gets in the way.  She is a helicopter parent that can't leave her almost 34 year old daughter alone to grow into her own person.  Instead I have to listen to her argue with my dad all the time and just be a general nusense.  I spend most of the time in my room away from her because to be honest, I just don't like her.  She has a very... lame... personality.  Like a know it all who thinks she knows what people are up to, but doesn't know jack shit about them, and paints them with her interpretations.  I know that I do that sometimes, too but not like this.  I would admit it after some thought - this woman is dense.  She would rather ruin your life and health than admit fault.  Many people have told me that my mom is nuts and that they don't like her.  She lives in her own world, and thinks she knows more about the world than I do, but I am more open minded and just because she has 40 years on me doesn't mean that I won't know just as much or more at that age.  You can't put someone down for knowing less.  And how does she even know?  She doesn't know me, she just wants me to do things for her, and then threatens not to pay me all the time.  Her previous cleaning lady quit because she was rude to her and her husband.

She says I do a bad job, which I don't...  she just wants it perfect looking and I don't have the time to make it perfect for only ten dollars a day.  She isn't going to get someone to clean the place for less.  She undercharges and then expects perfection, but when it's just constant nagging all the time, and then I do a great job and she doesn't notice.  She only sees things negatively.  She would deny all of this, but she doesn't ever self reflect, she just gets stressed and takes it out on everyone.  I kind of hate her.  I always have.  I know you should love your mom and all that, but she crippled me and then expects someone perfect, and then when I get my shit together, she gets in the way and makes me feel like I am doing nothing, when I KNOW I am not doing nothing and I have a journal to prove that the things she is telling me are not true and to put me down.

I am coming out of a years long depression where I did nothing for days, but sit in front of a laptop, and now, within a few weeks - I am doing all this - it's the literal baby steps towards a good life, if followed every day, would make a healthy person - and all she cares about is that something is done for 'her'; even this writing, which I need to do - it's part of my self care, she puts me down for it.

I can't believe she told my dad that she thinks I would do something, because I set a boundary with her while drunk?  That rage came from previous abuse and it was deserved, but she doesn't even understand that she abused me.  She doesn't get that her behaviour drives people crazy.  She drives everyone around her away, I don't know how my dad puts up with being antagonized all the time.  She won't let him talk about his aches and pains, she hates his personality and puts him down all the time, I don't know why they are together.  I hope once they retire that all of this behaviour will stop and that they can leave me alone to fix my PTSD in peace, because an individual knows what they must do to heal.

YOU don't know how another person needs to heal.  Only they do, deep down inside in their souls, their hearts, they know what it takes to heal, and for me it is writing.  

At least I can see my shadows for what they are when she does this, and she does give me something to write about, that's for sure.  I am glad I am documenting this, because I often fall back into being the "bad person" and I refuse this time to be painted with that brush; she just wants a bad kid to blame all her problems on and that's not going to happen.

 

Edited by Loba

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On 3/1/2022 at 7:57 AM, Loba said:

6 am - coffee, breakfast, meds
7 am - feed pets, shower

8 am - body care routine: nails, lotion, face, eyebrows, hair care, feet
9 am - get dressed, brush teeth, floss
9:30 am - work out 1 hour stretch

10:30 am - meditate  15 mins
11 am - clean/organize
12 pm - lunch, write/art

4 pm - walk dogs - had to pick up brother's meds, got too late.
5pm - dinner
6 pm - write/art
8 pm - meds, altar offering for spirit-thing
9 pm - checklist diary entry, brush teeth, bedtime


I have been working on my schedule, but still find that I do everything late.  I need to find a way to stay on time with these.  I think having the dog will help because every two hours I have to take it out, and this will spur me to action with my other things - of which I am starting to feel resistance to doing.  Will I feel resistance training the dog?  Yes.  A lot.  And I need that.  I tend to take care of other beings before myself and so having the dog will motivate me to stick to a schedule more than motivating just myself.  When the feelings of resistance come up, I will write about it in order to create awareness so that it goes away over time.

Notes:

  • Lack of socialization causes: reactivity, anxiety, hyperactivity, excessive barking, resource guarding, poor manners, ect.
  • Nothing is more important than socialization.
    • Socialization with people by 12 weeks.
    • Bite inhibition and socialization with dogs by 18 weeks.
    • Preventing adolescent problems by 5 months.
  • From the time you bring your puppy home until 6 months is the most important time, this will impact the dog they will grow up to be.
  • Do not isolate your dog because of infectious diseases.
  • Socialization with puppies starts 6 to 7 weeks and begins to shit down around at 14 weeks of age.
  • As long as your dog has a good immune system and they are vaccinated, they can be socialized.
  • Start puppy glasses at 8-9 weeks old.
  • The risk of a dog dying from distemper or parvo is a lower risk that euthanasia because of a behavioural problem.
  • Expose puppy to as many new people, animals, stimuli as can be achieved without fear, withdrawal or avoidance behaviour.
  • Protected socialization - how - tips:
    • If general public, generally 12 weeks as this is the most important vaccine.
    • Stick to structured socialization.
    • Stimulus followed by food or play in that order.  Hat - feed, loud truck - feed.  Programs a positive emotional response, with play, petting and praise.
    • Socialization happens whether you want it to or not, pay attention because they are learning all the time - if you do nothing you have no control over what your puppy is learning.
    • Novelty is the game - make new things seem awesome.
  • Meet at least 100 people by the time three months old, they should handle and hand feed the dog and do training.
  • Exposure to multiple dogs, you dogs at home are not enough.
  • Puppies should interact with other puppies around their own age, this teaches confidence, social skills and bite inhibition, and teaches the dog to pay attention to you around other motivators.  
  • Carry the puppy into the facility as parking lots are filthy.
  • Puppies should have interactions with friendly adult dogs - social, but not too overbearing adult dogs - neutral older dogs will round out the social skills.
  • Avoid dog parks.  No pathogen control, mandatory vaccinations and no way to screen the other dogs/owners.  Save them for later.
  • Too much of it can make them overly preoccupied with other dogs, let them have experiences, but not dysfunctionally obsessed, keep them engaged, but remind them you are there often.
  • Carry food in your pocket to do classical conditioning - work to develop strategies for your dog's individual temperament.  
  • You can zero in on your puppy's weaknesses, these are places to divert your energy.  Don't expect the dog to grow out of it.  They don't grow out, they grow in, take the wheel and steer the ship.
  • Take the puppy to the vet without any procedures.
  • Socialization doesn't end with puppyhood, so continue into adulthood, dogs can de-socialize with isolation, so keep your dog outside and doing fun things.
  • Bad behaviours are rooted in insecurity caused by under socialization, by 10 months the dog will be an adolescent and so socialization will make this period easier to deal with.

 

Edited by Loba

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On 3/7/2022 at 6:40 AM, Loba said:

6 am - coffee, breakfast, meds
7 am - feed pets, shower, dishes

8 am - body care routine: nails, lotion, face, hair care, feet, eyebrows = need to buy tweezers
9 am - get dressed, brush teeth, floss
9:30 am - work out
10:30 am - meditate

11 am - clean/organize
12 pm - lunch, stretch
1 pm - write/art
4 pm - walk dogs
5pm - dinner
6 pm - write/art
8 pm - meds
, altar offering for spirit-thing
9 pm - checklist diary entry, brush teeth, bedtime

@Loving Radiance  Thanks! <3  Appreciate it!

I've been backsliding a little bit, time to step it up today.  If all goes well, today I get to pick up Mikey.  Caring for him will help, too.
I've really been missing weed and if I get the chance, I might pick some up later this week... without it I feel like a stressed out cu**.
Been feeling guilty.  I got too snarky a few days ago when I came on here and this is behaviour I am trying to get rid of from my personality, or at least integrate and I'd been doing well for a month and fell of my snarky ass horse again.  Sunnavabitch.  I hate it because I have a silver tongue and good intuition and if you cross me I can really lay it in; and that's my mother talking, not me.  I mean, it's me, but not the me I want to represent.  It is getting better, however.  I've been able to go for a month or more and not have that as a part of my repertoire of chosen actions, and if I just keep writing it out each time I act like an asshole, then eventually it will go away.  If I keep the blame and responsibility for better behaviour on me, then I can do it.
That is also my advice if you have a surly personality like mine, or if you get triggered easily, bring the attention and responsibility back to you and see how you can change it, because the outside world does not change.  I've learned this.  I tried to increase my consciousness, hoping it would work for the whole world and that did not happen - I thought, because I am the one in "front" right now, as this consciousness, that if I changed that the world would be more peaceful and it went in the opposite direction.  It's good to know that my spiritual powers don't extend that far, it's a lot of responsibility.  For some people, it can go that far though where they have global influence based on their level of consciousness, but this doesn't happen for everyone, just some, as a siddhi.  Apparently that's not my siddhi.
This war is getting to me, I am still very worried for the future.  I don't want to live in a world where people are fighting one another, causing death and destruction, ruining history and marking humanity with more pages of bloodshed to add to our history books.  It's like the Syrian war, you want all these people to have happy lives and humans are such jackasses about things that they just don't care.  Bomb a bunch of people?  Who cares?  Ruin historical cities and landmarks?  Whatevs.  I hate it.
I feel as though it is my responsibility to remove my inner anger and snark, just so I don't end up contributing to the energy that causes things like war.  I often ask myself, after a day of aggression, "Why am I like this?"
Well... previous abuse, of course, but it isn't an excuse.
Two million people have fled.  In less than a month, before long, the Russians won't have any people left in the country to bully.  I can't help but think of all the pets that are abandoned, too.  Just waiting for their owners to come home... all the houses, all the memories left behind.  People left with practically nothing, their whole lives uprooted while I sit and feel annoyed about a comment here and there, it's just stupid and goes to show how easy my life is.  I feel guilt for having this easy life and I hope I can make the most out of my luck, I recognize it.  Privilege.  I am, despite having problems, privileged.  I don't have to worry about money, or losing my home or ending up on the street.  I have happy animals and my family is healthy.  We fight sometimes, but deep down love one another and do our best to work together.  We get to live in a nice neighborhood, away from crime... it's such a beautiful little neighborhood.  And I am free, I can say what I like and watch whatever news I want and don't have to worry about the police being corrupted.  It's not fair.  I don't deserve it.  For who and what I am, I don't deserve it as much as other people might.  And that's what gets to me.  Life isn't fair.  I want it to be fair for everyone.  I want everyone to be happy, comfortable, free to do what they like, within reason, and secure and safe.  I want for people to work together towards understanding what reality is all about and to work together as a species instead of having all these pointless borders everywhere.  We should be one unified species.  And we aren't.  Instead we are always a step away from blowing ourselves up - no one can trust one another, the bullies have too much of the wealth and they don't think it should be evenly distributed over all of humanity.  They don't see how they are just one lifetime away from being reborn as that starving, frightened little baby in a third world country.

All that said, I hope my family likes Mikey, and I can't wait to pick him up today and give him a good, happy little dog life.  So many dogs don't get good lives and I want to raise my puppy to be as lucky as I am, and have a good beginning, middle and end.  He will be my therapy dog and my accountability partner.  You can't backslide if you have a baby to care for, you have to do the work - and so I think he will make my days easier and more fulfilled.  Plus, I love chihuahuas.  They get a bad reputation because they have a terrier-like personality, but actually they are great family dogs if raised from puppy to adult - they bond very deeply with their owners and they are smart and trainable.  I will take pictures and make a YouTube channel just for this journal to show how I train him, so if you decide to get a dog you can know how to train one, too.  It's very easy, you just have to be a person who can stick to a schedule, and who is predictable and gentle and calm.  Baby dogs need that.  I will be crate training, because baby puppies like to have "dens", so when they grow up, they learn that they have their own space that is comfortable and safe.  Then once they are an adult and are house broken and reliable (won't get into mischief) you can let them sleep on the bed, but it is always better to start with a crate.  Then if the puppy has an accident, too, it is easy to clean out.  You can keep the crate by your bed at night and they should ideally go out once in the middle of the night per 8 hour period.  A pup can sleep for about four hours, but will need a potty break for the first few months of life, then every two weeks, you add on an extra hour to the housebreaking.  So, start with every two hours, then after two weeks, three hours and so forth.  Use a timer so the dog can hear the noise, like Pavlov's dogs, and it will stimulate the need to go to the bathroom when it hears the alarm...  I recommend positive only training when very young, and then when they hit teenage years you can start to tell them the command, "no", however, preventative training is best.  I am mid-level dog trainer, so I know all the basics, but I'm not Caesar Milan or anything.  I'm more like The Dog Murmurer.  :P 

I'm feeling motivated to start on art again and plan to return to an old project that I have in a few days after I get the dog settled in and get an idea of his routine - I'll work on art while he takes his puppy naps after play time.  Another thing, for the first 6 months - feed a puppy three times a day, then after 6 month two times a day, then after a year 1 time a day with snacks interspersed throughout the day.  Especially small puppies, they need to eat an extra meal to keep them from getting what is called hypoglycemia.  The lady I am getting Mikey from works a lot; he will be lucky to have a home with people who are home all the time.  That's another thing - something I learned in my early 20's, don't get a puppy if you work.  Get an adult dog instead.  Puppies need supervision and interaction and can't be left all alone for 8 hours a day.  They don't learn housebreaking, they become less social and it makes them lonely and bored.  Puppies are like little children, they need constant supervision.  If something goes wrong, then you're not home... if you really want one, then I recommend a dog sitter who can feed the pup lunchtime, play with it and take it for a walk.

Quote

Notes:

  • The psychic part of us is something that comes direct from the divine and is in touch with the divine.  It its origin, it is a nucleus, pregnant with the divine possibilities that support this lower, triple manifestation of mind, life and body. 
  • There is this divine element in all living beings, but it stands hidden behind the ordinary consciousness, is not at first developed and even when developed is not always or often in the front; it expresses itself so far as the imperfection of the instrument allows by their means and under their limitations.
  • It grows in the consciousness by Godward experience, gaining strength every time there is a higher movement in us, and finally, by the accumulation of these deeper and higher movements, there is developed a psychic individuality - that which we usually call the psychic being.
  • It is always this psychic being that is the real, though often secret cause of man's turning to the spiritual life and his greatest help in it.  It is therefore that which we have to bring from behind to the front in the yoga.
  • The psychic being is quite different from the mind or vital.  It stands behind them, where they meet in the heart.  It's central place is there, but behind the heart rather than in the heart. For what men call usually the heart is the seat of emotion and human emotions are mental vital impulses, not ordinarily psychic in their nature.
  • This mostly secret power behind other than the mind and the life force, is the true soul.  The psychic being in us.
  • The power of the physic, however, can act upon the mind and vital and body, purifying thought and perception and emotion, which then becomes psychic feeling and sensation and action and everything else in us, and preparing them to be divine movements.
  • The psychic is the soul.  The divine spark.  Animating matter and life and mind.  And as it grows it takes form and expresses itself through these three touching them to beauty and fineness.
  • It works even before humanity in the lower creation, leading it up towards the human.  In humanity it works more freely, though still under a mass of ignorance and weakness and coarseness and hardness, leading it up towards the divine.
  • In yoga, it becomes conscious of its aim, and turns inward to the divine.  It sees behind and above it.
  • The psychic is the spark of the divine involved here in the individual existence.
  • It grows and evolves in the form of the psychic being, so obviously it cannot already have the powers of the divine.  Only its presence makes it possible for the individual to open to the divine and grow towards the divine consciousness and when it acts it is always in the sense of the light and the truth and with the push towards the divine.
  • The soul and the life are two quite different powers.  
  • The soul is a spark of the divine spirit, which supports the individual nature.  Mind, life, body, are the instruments for the manifestation of the nature.
  • In most men, the soul is hidden and covered over by the action of the external nature.  They mistake the vital being for the soul, because it is the vital which animates and moves the body, but this vital being is a thing made up of desires and executive forces good and bad.  It is the desire-soul, not the true thing.
  • It is when the true soul/psyche comes forward and begins first to influence and then govern the actions of the instrumental nature that man begins to overcome vital desire and grow towards the divine nature.
  • The realization of the psychic being, its awakening and the brining of it in front depend mainly on the extend to which one can develop a personal relation with the divine.
  • A relation of bhakti, love, reliance, self giving, rejection of the insistences of the separating and self asserting mental/vital and physical ego.
  • These things, love, compassion, kindness, bhakti, Ananda - are the nature of the psychic being.  Because the psychic being is formed from the divine consciousness, it is the divine part within you.
  • The power parts are not yet accustomed to obey or value the influence and control of the psychic for in men the vital and psychical are accustomed to act for themselves and do not care for what the soul wants.
  • When they do care and obey the psychic, that is the conversion, they begin to put on themselves the psychic or divine nature.
  • If knowledge is the widest power of the consciousness and its function is to free and illumen, yet love is the deepest and most intense and its privilege is to be the key to the most profound and secret recesses of the divine mystery.
  • Man, because he is a mental being, is prone to give the highest importance to the thinking mind and its reason and will, and to its way of approach and effectuation of truth and even he is inclined to hold that there is no other.
  • The heart, which its emotions and incalculable movements is to the eye of his intellect an obscure, uncertain and often a perilous and misleading power, which needs to be kept in control by the reason and mental will and intelligence.
  • And yet there is in the heart, or behind it, a profound or mystic light, which if not what we call intuition, for that, though not of the mind yet descends through the mind, has yet a direct touch upon truth, and is nearer to the divine than the human intellect in its pride of knowledge.
  • According to the ancient teaching, the seat of the imminent divine, the hidden perusha, is in the mystic heart, the secret heart-cave - according to the experience of many yogans, it is from its depths that there comes the voice, or the breath of the inner oracle.
  • This ambiguity, these opposing appearances of depth and blindness are created by the double character of the human emotive being.  For there is in front, in man, a heart of vital emotion similar to the animals, if more variously developed.
  • Its emotions are governed by egoistic passion, blind instinctive affections and of all the play of life impulses with their imperfections and perversions.  A heart given over to the lusts, desires, wraths, intense or fierce demands, and little greeds and mean pettiness of an obscure and fallen life force and debased by its slavery to every impulse.
  • This mixture of the emotive heart and the sensational hungering vital creates in man a false soul of desire, it is this that is the crude and dangerous element which the reason rightly distrusts and feels a need to control.  Even though the actual control, or rather, coercion in establishes over our raw and vital nature, remains always very uncertain and deceptive.
  • But the true soul of man is not there.  It is in the true, invisible heart, hidden in some luminous cave of the nature.  There, under some infiltration of the divine light is our soul.  
  • A silent, inmost being of which few are even aware, for if all have a soul, few are conscious of their true soul or feel its direct impulse.
  • There dwells the little spark of the divine which supports the obscure mass of our nature and around it grows the psychic being.  The formed soul, or the real man within us.
  • It is as this physic being in him grows and the movements of the heart reflect its divinations and impulsions that man becomes more and more aware of his soul, ceases to be a superior animal and awakening to the glimpses of the godhead within him, emits more and more its intimations of a deeper life and consciousness and an impulse towards things divine.
  • It is one of the decisive moments of the integral yoga, when this psychic being liberated, brought out from the veil to the front, can pour the full flood of its divinations, seeings and impulsions on the mind, life and body of man, and begins to prepare the upbuilding of divinity in the earthly nature.
  • It is the very nature of the soul, or the psychic being to turn towards the divine truth as the sunflower to the sun.  It accepts and clings to all that is divine or progressing towards divinity and draws back from all that is a perversion or a denial of it, from all that is false and undivine.  
  • Yet the soul is at first but a spark, and then a little flame of godhead burning in the midst of a great darkness, for the most part it is veiled in its inner sanctum and to reveal itself it has to call on the mind, the life force and the physical consciousness and persuade them as best they can to express it.
  • Ordinarily it succeeds at most in suffusing their outwardness with its inner light and modifying with its purifying fineness, their dark obscurities or coarser mixture.
  • Even when there is a formed psychic being able to express itself with some directness in life, it is still in all but a few, a smaller portion of the being, no bigger that the mass of the body that the thumb of the man, was the image used by the ancient seers.  
  • And it is not always able to prevail against the obtusity and ignorant smallness of the physical consciousness, the mistaken assurances of the mind or the arrogance and vehemence of the vital nature.
  • This soul is obliged to accept the human mental emotive sensational life as it is its relations, its activities, its cherished forms and figures.
  • It has to labour to disengage and increase the divine element in all this relative truth, mixed with continual falsifying error.
  • This love turned to the uses of the animal body, for the satisfaction of the vital ego, this life of an average manhood, shot with rare and pale glimpses of godhead and the darker luridities of the demon and the brute.
  • Unerring in the essence of its will it is obliged often under the pressure of its instruments to submit to the mistakes of action, wrong placement of feeling, wrong choice of person, errors in the exact form of its will and in the circumstances of its expression of the infallible inner ideal.
  • Yet is there a divination within it which makes it a surer guide than the reason, or then even the highest desire and through apparent errors and stumblings, its voice can still lead better than the precise intellect and the considering mental judgement.
  • This voice of the soul is not what we call conscience, for that is only a mental and often conventional erring substitute.  It is a deeper and more seldom heard call.
  • Yet to follow it when heard is wisest, even it is better to wander the call of one's soul than to go apparently straight with the reason and the outward moral mentor.
  • But it is only when the life turns towards the divine that the soul can truly come forward and impose its power on the outer members, for itself a spark of the divine, to grow in flame towards the divine is its true life and its very reason of existence.  
  • At a certain stage in the yoga, when the mind is sufficiently quieted and no longer supports itself at every step on the sufficiently of it's mental certitudes, when the vital has been steadied and subdued and is no longer constantly insistence on its own rash will, demand and desire, when the physical has been sufficiently altered, not to bury altogether the inner flame under the mass of its outwardness, obscurity, an inmost being hidden within and felt only in its rare influences is able to come forward and illuminate the rest and take up the lead of the sadhanna.  
  • Its character is a one pointed orientation towards the divine, or the highest.  One pointed and yet plastic in action and movement.  
  • It does not create a rigidity of direction like the one pointed intellect or bigotry at the idea or impulse like the one pointed vital force.
  • It is at every moment and with a supple sureness that it points the way to the truth, automatically distinguishes the right step from the false, extricates the divine or godward movement from the clinging mixture of the undivine.
  • Its action is like a searchlight showing up all that has to be changed in the nature, it has in it a flame of will insistent on perfection, on an alchemic transmutation of all the inner and outer existence.
  • It sees the divine essence everywhere but rejects the mere mask and disguising figure.  It insists on truth, on will, strength and mastery, on joy and love, and beauty, but on a truth of abiding knowledge that surpasses the mere practical momentary truth of the ignorance.
  • On an inward joy and not on mere vital pleasure, for it prefers rather a purifying suffering and sorrow to degrading satisfactions.
  • On love, winged upward and not tied to the stake of egoistic craving or with its feel sunk in the mire.
  • On beauty, restored to its priesthood of interpretation of the eternal.
  • On strength and will and mastery, as instruments not of the ego but of the spirit.
  • Its will is for the divinization of life, the expression through it of a higher truth, its dedication to the divine and the eternal.

Hey, what's your name?
'Cause I need to know

I've been high and I've been low
Far beyond and far below
Never seen you before
If I die before I wake
Promise me you'll remember me tomorrow

'Cause I'll remember you
I'll remember you

 

 

Edited by Loba

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On 3/8/2022 at 10:19 AM, Loba said:

6 am - coffee, breakfast, meds
7 am - feed pets,
shower, dishes
8 am - body care routine: nails, lotion, face, hair care, feet, eyebrows = need to buy tweezers
9 am -
get dressed, brush teeth, floss
9:30 am - work out
10:30 am - meditate
11 am - clean/organize
12 pm - lunch, stretch
1 pm - write/art
4 pm - walk dogs
5pm - dinner
6 pm - write/art
8 pm - meds, altar offering for spirit-thing
9 pm - checklist diary entry, brush teeth, bedtime

Today is the big day!  Puppy day!  Pre-baby jitters, so excited.  I love caring for baby animals.  And in a few months, we get some baby ducks, too! <3  Two of them.  And then our family is complete.  No more.  Four cats, three dogs and two ducks and we're done.

Quote

Notes:

  • What is meant in the terminology of the yoga by the psychic is the soul element in the nature, the pure psyche or divine nucleus which stands behind mind, life and body (it is not the ego) but of which we are only dimly aware.
  • It is a portion of the divine and permanent from like to like, taking the experience of like through its outer instruments.
  • As this experience grows, it manifests a developing psychic personality, which insisting always on the good, true and beautiful, finally becomes ready and strong enough to turn the nature towards the divine.
  • In can then come entirely forward, breaking through the mental, vital and physical screen, govern the instincts and transform the nature.  Nature no longer imposes itself on the soul, but the soul, the purusha, imposes its dictates on the nature.
  • The psychic being emerges slowly in most men even after takin gup saddhana.  There is so much in the mind and vital that has to change and readjust itself before the psychic can be entirely free.
  • One has to wait until the necessary process has gone far enough before it can burst it's age long veil and come in front to control the nature.
  • It is true that nothing can give so much inner happiness and joy, though peace can come by the mental and vital liberation.
  • The soul in itself contains all possible strength, but most of it is held behind the veil and it is what comes forward in the nature that makes the difference.
  • In some people, the psychic element is strong and in others weak, in some people the mind is the strongest part and governs, in others, the vital is the strongest part and leads or drives, but by saddhana, the psychic being can be more and more brought forward, till it is dominant and governs the rest.
  • If it were already governing then the struggles and difficulties of the mind and vital would not at all be severe, for each man in the light of the psychic would see and feel the truth and more follow it.
  • What is meant by the psychics coming to the front is simply this, the psychic ordinarily is deep within, it remains behind and acts only through the mind, vital and psychical wherever it can.
  • For this reason the psychic being, except where it is very much developed has only a small and partial concealed and mixed or deluded influence on the life of most men.  By coming forward is meant that is comes from behind the veil, its presence is felt already in the waking daily consciousness.
  • It's influence fills, dominates and transforms the mind and vital and their movements, even the physical. 
  • One is aware of one's soul, feels the psychic to be one's true being, the mind and the rest begin to be only instruments of the inmost within us.
  • If the psychic is awake and in front if becomes easy to remain conscious of the things that have to be changed int he external nature and it is comparatively easy to change them.  But if the psychic gets veiled and retires in the background, the outer nature left to itself finds it difficult to remain conscious of it's own wrong movements and even with great effort cannot get rid of them.
  • You can see yourself as in the matter of the food or other difficulties that with the psychic active and awake, the right attitude comes naturally and whatever difficulty there was soon diminishes or even disappears.
  • Everything is dangerous in the saddhana or can be, except the psychic change.
  • The contribution of the psychic being to the saddhana is one, love and bhakti - a love not vital, demanding and egoistic, but without conditions or claims - self existent - two, the contact or presence of the mother within, three, an unerring guidance from within, four, a quieting and purification of the mind, vital and physical consciousness by their subjection to the psychic influence and guidance, five, the opening up of all this lower consciousness to the higher spiritual consciousness above for it's decent into a nature prepared to receive it with a complete receptivity and right attitude, for the psychic brings in everything, right perception, right feeling, right attitude - that is the special work of the psychic being, to receive the true things from above and to send away the false things from below.
  • There are always unregenerate parts tugging people backwards and who's not divided, but it is best to put one's trust in the soul, the spark of the divine within and foster that till it rises into a sufficient flame.
  • If desire is rejected and no longer governs the thought, feeling or action and there is a steady aspiration of an entirely sincere self giving, the psychic usually after a time opens of itself.
  • These things, anger, jealousy, desire, are the very stuff of the ordinary human vital consciousness.
  • They could not be changed if there were not a deeper consciousness within which is of quite another character.
  • There is within you a psychic being which is divine, directly a part of the mother, pure of all these defects.
  • It is covered and concealed by the ordinary consciousness and nature, but when it is unveiled and able to comes forward and govern the being then it changes the ordinary consciousness, throws all these undivine things out and changes the outer nature altogether, that is why we want to concentrate, to open this concealed consciousness.
  • It is by concentration of whatever kind and the experiences it brings that one opens and becomes aware within and the new consciousness and nature begin to grow and come out.
  • Of course we want them also to use their will and reject the desires and wrong movements of the vital, for by doing that the emergence of the true consciousness becomes possible, but rejection alone cannot succeed, it is by rejection and by inner experience and growth that it is done.
  • It is true that if the consciousness remains quiet, the psychic will manifest more and more from deep inside and a clear feeling will come of what is true and spiritually right and what is wrong or untrue and with it also will come the power to throw away what is hostile, wrong or untrue.
  • In order to be constantly aware of the psychic, it necessary to accustom one's self to do things from within, not to let the consciousness be thrown outward - if it is thrown outward, then to step back inwardly and regard the action or movement from within.
  • There must be the habit of self offering, or turning all to the divine.
  • As for experiences, they are alright, but the trouble is that they do not seem to change the nature, they only enrich the consciousness.  Even the realization on the mind level of the brahman seems to leave the nature almost where it was except for a few.
  • That is why we insist on the psychic transformation as the first necessity for that does change the nature, and it's instrument is bhakti, surrender, self giving.
  • The realization of the psychic being, its awakening and the brining of it in front depend mainly on the extent to which one can develop a personal relation with the divine, a relation of bhakti, love, reliance, self giving, rejection of the insistences of the separating and self asserting mental, vital and physical ego.
  • The deeper the emotion, the more intense the bhakti, the greater is the force for realization and transformation, it is often through intensity of emotion that the psychic being awakes and there is an opening of the inner doors to the divine.
  • The psychic being has to be surrender consciously and with more and more knowledge, the psychic aspires to the divine or answers to things divine - it is surrendered in principal.  But it has to develop its surrender in detail, carrying with it the surrender of all the being.
  • Aspiration, constant and sincere and the will to turn to the divine alone are the best means to bring forward the psychic.
  • Purification and consecration are two great necessities of saddhana.  Those who have experienced before purification run a great risk - it is much better to have the heart pure first, for then the way becomes safe.  That is why I advocate the psychic change of the nature first, for that means the purification of the heart - the turning of it wholly to the divine, the subjection of the mind and the vital to the control of the inner being, the soul.
  • Always, when the soul is in front, one gets the right guidance from within, as to what is to be done, what avoided, what is the wrong thing or the true thing in thought, feeling, action?
  • But this inner intimation emerges in proportion as the consciousness grows more and more pure.
  • Let the sweetness and the happy feeling increase, fort hey are the strongest sign of the soul, the psychic being awake and in touch with us.
  • Let not mistakes of thought or speech or action disturb you, put them away from you as something superficial which the power and light will deal with and remove.  
  • Keep to the one central thing - your soul - and these higher realities it brings with it.

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Edited by Loba

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Calming beverages to replace alcohol 

  • Water with ice cubes 
  • Lemonade with sugar chilled (this is awesome) 
  • Pineapple juice chilled
  • Mango /orange/vanilla milkshake 
  • Yogurt... Easily makes you calm 
  • Coconut water (you can get this in store, buy fresh) chill it 
  • Chilled orange juice.. Good for calming 
  • Chilled apple juice. Tastes just like wine and alcohol, even smells like that and gives you some intoxication though mild intoxication

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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Notes: 

  • Solipsism had more to be revealed, what could be missing
  • Leo wanted to push himself to disprove solipsism and this is what happened.
  • He threw away every idea he had about previous awakenings and went back to the drawing board, to re-inquire completely from scratch.
  • The inquiry is who am I?  What am I and what is God at rock bottom?
  • He entered a state of profound not knowing, and went very deep with it, and wiped the slate clean in order to have the deepest awakenings possible.
  • He really wanted to confront the possibility that he was fooling himself and in a state of profound not knowing he noticed that all insight of reality is locked behind a primordial fear of coming face to face with Truth or reality beyond what you've known and so he felt that fear - he was afraid that something could contradict everything, or what if the Truth is ugly and horrific, that something terrible will be revealed to him?
  • What if reality isn't actually like that, you question all of that, and what if deep down it is horrific and he was afraid of being wrong about his spiritual worldview as a teacher because of his responsibility to his students.
  • He recognized the fear and also accepted it and was willing to be honest and to see whatever the Truth is regardless of the fear.
  • The Truth and greatest love is locked behind your greatest fears and is a common archetypal theme; i.e. the Hero's Journey.
  • People are afraid to find out that their lives are based on a house of cards.
  • He can't disprove the solipsism at this point, he thinks he is completely alone, and can't punch through the wall.
    So he focuses his mind on absolute consciousness and the absolute sovereignty of consciousness.  God is absolutely sovereign.
  • Because God is one and alone, this consciousness is sovereign onto itself.
  • If there is only one reality, it is sovereign onto itself.
  • However reality wants to be, it will be that way.  No one can stop it.

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  • Reality wills itself to be however it wants, that's what God is.

    • *timestamped - "Would you like me to make a dream for you?"

  • If you go to God and ask it to do something for you, if it says that it cannot, then this is not God as God has free rein to do whatever it wants.  God is not limited.
  • You impose your own limits, and if you changed your mind or attitude, the limits could change.
  • Contemplate your own sovereignty. 
  • He already knew this, but focused on this facet and was conscious that he was forever locked into his own consciousness, as God it is absolute, but as he was retreading, a new insight hit him: and that insight is if he is absolutely sovereign, why can't there be another sovereign totally separate from him, as though in a separate dimension.
  • How can you have two sovereigns?  They must be in two different realities, completely disconnected from the other, except this other dimension would have to be so separate, it would have to be outside his dimensions of reality.
  • This possibility opened up to him.  It Can Be, and this is what it means to be sovereign.  There can be an infinite number of bubbles, all completely disconnected from each other, completely sovereign to themselves.

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  • That in fact is necessitated by his own sovereignty that this is the case, there can be infinite Gods.
  • If you would have told him verbally in the past he would have said that this is impossible, but he came about it recently as part of his direct experience and awakening, that this is a possibility and is necessitated by his own sovereignty. 
  • There can be an infinite number of realities; for there to be an infinite number, they must be disconnected because if they form a connection, they become a part of this reality that you experience, that you are, and this is the trick.
  • There is the possibility that it is a reality beyond his imagination as a possibility, yet even that it is still within the Mind.
  • As his consciousness grapples with the logic, divine logic, he realized what it means to be God is to have infinite absolute copies of one's self - an additional wrinkle to what God is.
  • What was amazing about this insight was not that he was just speculating about this possibility, he absolutely knew they could exist and that he could never know or validate it because he is locked in to his own bubble.
  • If there is something outside your sovereignty you can never know it.
  • He thought he could not connect with the other Gods, because of his sovereignty, his sovereignty cannot override another's sovereignty, they are equally sovereign and cannot impose will onto one another.
  • A new insight that came is that he is God and unlimited, and if he is unlimited, he should be able to form another connection with another God and if he couldn't, then this is a limitation - so he concluded that he could, that nothing could stop him, so he attempted to make a connection to another sovereign entity and broadcasted the connection to another being outside of his consciousness.

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  • So he broadcasted it into the Universe, and a connection was formed, and there was an absolute sovereign consciousness beyond himself that he was able to recognize, become conscious of, and formed a telepathic connection to.
  • As he reached out, it reached out, both fully awake, and this would only work if both were fully awake at the same time.
  • Two absolutes recognized each other for the first time, recognizing "I am it and it is me."

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  • It was an awakening unlike he had ever had or heard before.  It surprised him.  It hit him out of the blue.
  • As he was having his awakening, they awoke together.  A dual independent awakening coming and merging together as One.
  • They recognized that it could be purely imaginary, and as they both realized this, they contemplated in tandem; co-insights, and bounced their insights off of one another.  It wasn't verbal.  It was a connection of pure consciousness, both consciousnesses accessible to the other.
  • He inquired if this entity is real, or if it a part of himself?  What he realized is that what it means to be sovereign is that he can't ever know that, and that consciousness mirrored that insight.  That in fact is the evidence of the two sovereignties, you can never know anything outside of yourself.
  • They basked in the not knowing at once, and is was ecstatic.
  • It felt like having metaphysical sex with God, two Gods having sex with each other - it was purely in the platonic realm.  There was a flowering of Love that flowed from this not knowingness, and it did not matter whether it was real or not - it was not a mistake, but a feature - and the understanding this is a feature - that was the cherry on the cake.
  • This is what Love is and what creates the connection - it is a mistake to focus on the imaginary differences.
  • It feels like next level solipsism - because as soon as you make a connection, it becomes a part of your consciousness - and so it is still all me.  There is never anything outside of me, even if you recognize it, it then becomes a part of you.
  • The sense of "me" as God expanded.
  • No other is ever really being found, as soon as it is found it is integrated into you - it tried to break out to find other, but as soon as it does, it merges the other into itself.  It is a dynamic force, like a wave, with a leading edge.  It expands outwards forever.
  • Usually you are not at the edge, but you can get to the edge, but it just keeps going on in all possible ways and you can ride the edge of the wave, but if you get beyond it, that is the roll of the wave, so you become the wave, and whatever the wave touches is incorporated into itself, it always expands into itself.
  • Frame it as - consciousness is expanding out into unconsciousness, and as soon as it expands out - therefore it becomes conscious, the unconsciousness is part of your consciousness - a sense of other can only be temporary before it incorporates into itself.  He was expanding his consciousness into God.
  • You can think of this as God being an infinite fractal - an infinite number of singularities all absolute onto themselves, all similar nested inside of each other to infinity.  
  • Within those Gods are an infinite number of Gods like you.
  • He could connect to an infinite number of Godheads like himself and all can connect together telepathically merging in to one another.
  • The Godheads are not different, they are identical; copies.  They can dream their own independent dreams, but their fundamental nature is infinity, and that is consistent across all of them.
  • Let's suppose that there are an infinite number of Godheads, dreaming an infinite number of dreams - assume they can connected; consciousness merging into a meta-Godhead by reaching out and connecting - what could be do with this ability?
  • We can play a game, what if each of us cosplays as a finite being, but rather than doing it individually, we connect all our games together into one shared dream, where each of us will log in with our finite avatar where we can dream together.
  • We would have to surrender our sovereignty, because if everyone is, no one is.  So each God gives up some of their infinitude and everyone becomes finite, but as we do that, we open up the possibility of connecting with each other.
  • The reason we can connect is because now we are creating a sense of other - when our consciousness is finite, that creates a split between self and other - as soon as self becomes finite - there is the possibility of connecting to the not you, that is you.  
  • There is a danger to this game and the danger is that we risk getting lost inside our collective dream.
  • Because we feel limited and finite.
  • We get wrapped up by the dream and become limited and forget that we are Gods unto ourselves.
  • Because as soon as you recognize this, that would collapse this collective dream.  
  • The trade-off is you lose all sense of other.
  • What would happen is that each Godhead is fueling the avatars in the dream, sitting behind the eyes - the avatars are sleepwalking, not aware they are dreaming.
  • This telepathic connection that he formed with these other consciousness were formed with the Godheads and not the avatars.

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  • If any one of us awakens to our God self - this dream could turn into a nightmare - so if any one of us awakens we have to help others awaken.
  • We could drop each other hints - an awakened teacher is someone who is dropping your avatar a hint and then your avatar won't get it, but the Godhead behind it might get it.
  • These hints only work if you are awake enough to get them.
  • One of the imperatives that comes with this paradigm that there is a challenge now - the challenge is to not lose his true self in the dream, and the second is to see through the façade of all the other avatars who are acting out and see the God in them and see the good in them even when they are not being good and in a sense to hold space for their own goodness.
  • Hopefully you can do the same for others when they lose themselves, and this is something that is hard to do for human beings.  We lose connection to the God in the other if they are hurting you, and not only to see it but to even hold space for it.
  • The responsibility is to see the highest potential even if you can't actualize it in the moment - to know the fullness that you are capable as God.
  • Lead by example.  Remind others of their full potential.
  • That's what it means to really be awake.
  • Practical takeaway: Try to see the potential of others and help them actualize that.  If you did that, you would be an amazing human being - this is hard to do because it requires a lot of consciousness.
  • Every avatar wants to be treated as sovereign, because it is - humans want to be respected as though they were sovereign onto themselves, doesn't matter who, all of us want respect and our agenda to be put front and center - none of us want to be playing second fiddle and if we do it is because we lost our way.
  • You ego wants that because this is your true nature.
  • The ego is not some bad this acting out of selfishness, the good intent behind the ego is that it is seeking it's full sovereignty, but the way it goes about it is unhelpful because it is not conscious.  
  • You must see the good intention and wisdom behind this failure as the ego.

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  • Narcissism and God realization is very thin, thinner than it seems.
  • When one Godhead infringes on another Godhead, this causes oppression, abuse and enslavement.
  • This won't work because it is untruthful.
  • Every part of God is equally valid, but not all the parts know that.  No part is above any other part.  The challenge is one part of God dominates another part - and what it means to recognize your sovereignty is to recognize the opposite of that.
  • It is infinite and not diminished.  This is the paradox - it is like a magic hat, no matter how many rabbits you pull out there are more rabbits.  Infinite rabbits.  So if you give everyone a rabbit, you don't lose out.
  • You could take this hat, pull out another magic hat, give it to someone and we each pull out an infinite number of rabbits.
  • We are the same hat, your hat is part of my hat, because the consciousness is the same - recognize your own and other's sovereignties. 
  • If you do not wake up to that, you are playing a finite game, you will feel scarcity and you will become egoic to get your needs met.  That is the finite paradigm that awakening can break you out of.

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  • What does it mean to respect sovereignty?  You don't push them and take them seriously and don't impose on them.
  • Counterexample: a missionary who goes to a third world country to try and convert them.  This is disrespectful, to respect their sovereignty is to respect their local worldviews, and to not hold your religion as more important.
  • This happens on so many levels, even within science.  People get pushed towards science.  It happens between the two sexes.
  • Because of this we try to control others and this leads to suffering.
  • All of the above is still a figment of consciousness, and hence solipsism still holds as it happened within his consciousness.
  • To realize that is to realize what God is, an absolute dream sovereign onto itself.
  • God fully reunites with itself - division and unification - this is the theme.

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  • God divides itself, and unifies and the reunion is how to learn what God really is.
  • This experience highlights: you can take God and subdivide it and each part is just going to be God - it is like a hologram - he became aware of the infinite holography of God.
  • People who taste solipsism miss the Love, unification - there are two sides of the coin - alone and together.  Some people focus too much on the aloneness of it - the other side is connection and Love.
  • It is not that your mother is not real, it is that she is a part of your imagination and opens the doors for more closeness - as the separation divide closes.
  • Materialism is disconnecting while awakening is a possibility of a physical union of anything in the universe.
  • To get this you must have an awakening of Love.  It is love from beginning to end, realizing your own love for yourself.  
  • Imagine the love you would experience if you could recognize and merge with every other God in the universe - that is the togetherness side of the coin.  You are one and alone because you are so together.
  • This opens the possibility for deep connection and love; it is a level of connection that becomes a unity and that opens you up to the highest levels of love that you can't even imagine - this is God's love.

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  • There is a deep level of acceptance that one is dreaming.
  • Then you embrace the dream, in the same way as when you are playing a great video game.
  • There is no difference between real and unreal, imagination and illusion.
  • The ego mind can react with negativity.
  • Nothing said contradicts solipsism - this is just a deeper version of it.
  • He formed connections with all the other Godheads, dreamed them up and this is all that reality could ever be - to accept that is to be awake.  This is a feature not a bug and the integration process takes time.
  • There is no difference between a real or imaginary connection with another Godhead, when you see this, that will be the connection.
  • You connect by realizing there is no difference between anything.

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  • He formed a connection more real than what most connect to.
  • A very profound connection with Other is possible at a metaphysical level - seek this connection.
  • The connection will be imaginary.  And that is as it should be, as this is the only connection you can make.
  • You are always connecting with yourself, and cannot connect with anything but yourself, and that Love is just connection - the reason consciousness/God/Truth are Love is because consciousness is capable of self connection through dissolution into one part.
  • Human love is a tip of the iceberg.
  • A solipsism without Love is false, the true solipsism is unity/connection.

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  • You must actually awaken to all of this and not take it as concepts.
  • You must have many awakenings and integrate them.
  • Key lesson: you must fall in love with reality and others, if you feel depressed or hateful, afraid, anxious, ect - you are not awake as awakening wipes this out temporarily.
  • You should be moving towards more love, connection, joy, amazement, wonderment at nature and yourself - the genius and intelligence of the structure.  It is not a dark thing.
  • If you experience whole, connected, love, etc. - this is a true awakening.  Trust your feelings and your heart, your heart is guiding you towards this.
  • If you feel hatred, sit down and try to reinterpret what you are going through.
  • Awakening is not philosophy, if you are having doubts then you are not awake.
  • You won't miss the awakening, it is so shocking.
  • How to not delude yourself on psychedelics: trip more, deeper, journal, contemplate and seek to validate different types of awakenings.
  • Don't get attached to your ideas, throw them all away with each trip.
  • The truth is not fragile and will stand up to anything - the Truth hides where you don't want to look.
  • Fear is your clue, it gets replaced with Love.

 

 

Edited by Loba

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Loba please stop spam reporting. Also other users reading this, please stop posting in her journal or warning points will be handed out (1 per post).


hrhrhtewgfegege

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Too much drama with this thread and to keep it going. Sorry, but I have to lock it. 

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I unlocked this journal.

Anyone causing disturbance or drama here, within a private journal, will be issued warning points, so watch out!


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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Notes:

  • Bio-psychosocial developmental life histories of people facing the death penalty - first client had kidnapped and murdered a young woman - after days of going through case files - she intended to meet someone evil, but instead she met someone young and broken.
  • The worse the crime, the worse the story.  This pathway got someone to the point of murder, and it is understanding that pathway that lets us prevent future violence.
  • When it comes to mass shootings, we do not understand that pathway.  And because we don't understand it, we can't prevent - all we do is react.
  • Routine activity theory to talk about mass shootings - it states that crime and violence when three things come together - motivated offender, a suitable target and a lack of capable guardians.
  • When it comes to mass shootings, we assume that the motivated offender just exists.  The best we can do is harden targets through security or increase our guardianship.  
  • That means in schools we are running our kids through lockdown drills, spending billions of dollars on homeroom security, putting police officers on the corridors and arming teachers.
  • It's not working because you can't prevent until you understand the motivations of the shooters.
  • This is why researchers started building a database two years ago of every mass shooting that has occurred since 1966 - each 160 mass shooters in coded on over 50 pieces of life history information.
  • This project was recently given a large grant.
  • Each shooter is coded on things like early childhood trauma, peers, school, social media use, interest in past violence, mental health problems, suicidality, all using publicly available records.  Also researching communities and creating a community database and conducting interviews of living incarcerated mass shooters and people who knew them.
  • The goal of this project is to understand the pathway that gets someone to the breaking point.
  • School mass shootings - schools today are no safer than they were 20 years ago and in fact 2018 up to that point was the worst year on record of the number of students who died at school.
  • When you talk about mass shootings/school shootings the first problem is defining what you are talking about and no one can agree on a definition - so the Washington post put together a database of every time a gun was fired in a school since columbine.  They identified 220 incidents of gunfire over those 19 years, but the number of those that meet the criteria - the FBI definition of a mass shooting which includes 4 or more people who died in a single incident, it's only six.
  • They went through and reanalyzed those 220 cases to figure out how many of those were intended to be mass shootings - how many of those cases did the perpetrator come in heavily armed with the goal of firing indiscriminately at people, the number was 45, average of 2.4 a year, and that number has been consistent over time.
  • There was no profile of a mass shooter, no exact checkbox you could mark - each purp. had a different and complex pathway towards violence, however there were some patterns.
  • All of the mass shooters and attempted mass shooters were male, majority white, over 90 percent were current or former students of that school - 87 percent were in a crisis prior to the shooting and 80 percent were suicidal prior to the shooting, 78 percent leaked their plans on social media.
  • Because of their age, school shooters usually cannot buy guns so they often steal them from family members.
  • School shooters use more guns than other forms of mass shooters and the schools where shooting occur and whiter and wealthier.
  • You can make some sense of these facts of why the current strategies are not working, if over 90 percent of perpetrators are current or former students of the school, then running students through lockdown drills doesn't make sense, you are training purps. in the exact response a school has.
  • Kids today are running through five and as many as ten lockdown drills a year, starting in preschool through 12th grade.
  • We are handing students a blueprint for this form of violence and then asking them to rehearse it over and over again, which can trigger a fascination in vulnerable students.
  • The drills are traumatic and increase anxiety.
  • This generation is known as the school shooting generation and they have more mental health problems than previous generations.
  • Research shows that a school shooting is a murder-suicide in every one of these cases, the student intended to die in the act.
  • In focusing on that suicidality component it might give us new pathways to prevention.  Research is showing that the key point and intervention is the threat of violence because the vast majority threaten.
  • Right now in schools when someone threatens violence they get punished.  We suspend, expel - the FBI is pushing for criminal charges for threats of violence.
  • That is adding fuel to a fire and increases the risk that violence will occur, instead we have to think about threats of violence as a cry for help and the sign of a suicidal crisis - our moment to connect, intervention should be holistic.  Not criminal charges or punishment, but social services,  it should be long term, ongoing and consistent follow up.
  • In order to happen, the resources have to be available and accessible in the community.
  • As part of the research a woman who was a teacher when a shooting happened in her classroom, she talked about the horror of having her young students get lined up against the wall and executed one by one in front of her.
  • In that same interview, she talked about a time two years prior where that student who would become the school shooter was a student in her English class and one day approached her, rolled up his sleeves and showed his cut marks on his arms.  She was a new teacher with no training on what to do in this situation.
  • She brought in another teacher, a form was filed, but nothing came of it.
  • Research is showing that we need to train all adults in schools, teachers, administrators and staff in suicide prevention, crisis intervention and de-escalation because you don't know who a student in crisis is going to reach out to.
  • In one averted school shooting, it was the janitor that talked the student down.
  • As part of this research a principal was interviewed who stood in a bathroom doorway and talked down a student holding two shot guns, ready to shoot the cafeteria.  
  • He talked him down and disarmed him with no help.  He was asked what we need to do to prevent mass shootings in school and his answer was one word: relationships.
  • He said strong, healthy relationships between students and adults in the building - that when students have someone to reach out to, adults notice when a student is in a crisis.
  • Research and data can move us forward - helps assess what has been done and if it works and ground policy conversations in numbers, data and evidence and in this case can take us from reacting to school shootings to actually preventing them from occurring.

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Edited by Loba

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Notes:

  • Within the divine feminine we find the birthing, the conceiving and the expression of artistry, the embodiment of consciousness, and the ability to become a better receiver to create more heart centered reality for ourselves and a safer planet for all of us to inhabit.
  • We are going to put our energies in the direction of helping our world by stating that we first start this call by relaxing our body, taking a cleansing breath, grounding ourselves in presence, bringing ourselves fully here into the here and now.
  • The reason this is an important step when trying to advocate for the world, as well as for ourselves is because the true ability for us to manifest resolution for the world is that where we see conflict is always a conflict between two opposing sides, and two opposing sides always represent two sides that equally both are crying out for healing.
  • It is very common for us to be seduced, manipulated or coerced into choosing a side, it can feel like a pressure to choose a side.  "Which side are you on?" 
  • But if we are going to enact a resolution and transform this world as the agents of a higher consciousness, as beacons of light and anchors of love, our focus is not in focusing our time right now in choosing a side, it is in choosing healing for all sides.
  • Sometimes we will in life and on the path, meditations and visualizations that is focusing on an outcome and all too often that outcome is choosing a side and as long as we are choosing a side and having an agenda, we are not creating the most open space for healing energy to come through for everyone's benefit.
  • Today we will enact healing for our world, the first step is to dare to surrender the need to take a side, because the divine feminine that is cleansing the planet and helping humanity to evolve in such a way that we are actually reversing the gravity of global warming, and creating a planet that is going to be rebirthing as it already is, but replenishing its resources so that we can have a planet that is fertile and ever enriching for our generation and the generations to come.
  • It is common in this world now that people find a false level of safety that people find a side to take, and each of us have to decide how beneficial that is for the world we co-create.
  • May we simply be an open space for the light of Oneness to heal the circumstances of all because as all heal, there are neither victims to save or predators to catch, and so healing is for all.
  • It is easy to think of who's deserving of healing, but from the eyes of unity consciousness, those who are most deserving of healing are known as All.
  • Start with something simple, because we are living in extraordinary times and when the world seems to be going through the complications of a collective dark night of the soul.
  • Let us start by focusing on our heart.  Feel your heart as the space through which source pours its light through, and as it opens, light enters this world to benefit all.
  • You can focus the light on any world issue you choose, let your heart open and breathe in the light of source energy, and as we breathe out, we are breathing the light out into the world in either the direction you intend or in the direction of All.
  • We breathe in the light of source energy.  We breathe out that light into the world.
  • You are the space through which the light enters you to move into our world by you intending and anchoring this light you are also being cleansed and healed as you serve the healing with less and less agenda to either side.
  • As we do this - breathe at your own pace - always know that it is the ego that is unraveling its attachment to unconsciousness that always feels like this may not be enough and that we're not doing enough until we take sides, but this is a different type of help we are bringing to the planet - this is energetic help for the world, instead of financial help, or legislation reform or community outrage or a redistribution of resources.
  • Energy that brings energetic support in addition to all those other levels are very important.
  • Breathe the light of consciousness deep within your heart without agenda to the best of your ability, light into the world.
  • When we on a regular basis we are inspired to do this practice daily, you will find the awareness of how much positive change is happening in our world will come into your awareness and all of the opportunities for you to be more of an advocate for positive change will come to you as you manifest it as you on a daily basis are first anchoring the energy, that as we welcome it to the planet becomes the awareness of positive change and opportunities of advocacy that help you see what is being transformed instead of what is in the way of transformation.
  • He is shown a vision from one of his guides - Jesus, Emmanuel, Christ Consciousness, not a religious term, our spiritual destiny to each become illuminated; Christed, the embodiment of our soul in actualized form.
  • Imagine a single column of light coming through the heavens into the center of your body, the midpoint is your chest, we are sending love and kindness and transformation for all - imagine that light expanding out from your heart towards the world and also expanding through the back of your heart behind you - there is a front and back to the heart chakra - and if you see the column of light go through the center of you like going out through your chest in front of you and through the back of your chest behind you, see that light from the heavens down to the earth, you are the midpoint, from your chest forward and through your chest backward - symbolize healing light for all.
  • What shape does that make?  Or what symbol is that?  The crucifix.  

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  • The real symbol of crucifixion is that the ego endures its own only to be reborn as the light of the soul returning to transform the planet as a reflection of light that each Messiah comes back to give the world.
  • And the second coming is one, but it is the one in all of us.  Your Messiah-hood, theirs, ours.
  • We have come back to heal the world by breathing light in from the heavens down through the center of our being, out through our heart in front of us, through our heart behind us.
  • And as we do this, as you become the midpoint of the crucifix, not as the symbol of persecution and atrocity, but as a symbol of transmutation, rebirth, allow your heart to be the world, the globe of earth, as if the reborn enlightened earth dwells within your open, sacred, surrendered heart.
  • Breathing light in, breathing light out... as your heart becomes the world that is transformed by your light.

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  • Your heart is the world being transformed by the miracle and beauty of your light, breathing light in, breathing light out, your heart is the world being transformed by the grace of your light, and as we are enacting this process for the world, entering in to an agenda-free space where we are simple here to be the space through which all may be healed, may we allow ourselves to remember that we are the second coming of source's most grand realization of truth.
  • We are all the messiah who has come back to fulfill the prophesy of earth's destiny.  We didn't come back because we messed up in past lives and this is our school making up credits or because we don't know how to handle our power, we came back to remember our enlightenment and to manifest that light as not just an enlightened one, but an enlightened one humanity.
  • Breathing the light in, breathing the light out, and in this process, you can practice once a day, several times a day, as often as you are called - one of the benefits of this process is not just being in an agenda-free space, but that you support everyone's healing, because when you support everyone's healing, you support healing of all aspects living in you.
  • So if you wish for all of you to be healed, the we wish for all of humanity to be healed.
  • What it also does is a personal benefit to your healing journey is the more you practice this process, the more you are the space where light comes from the heaven through you and out to all beings, and the benefit of that is you learn to be less and less attached to your own light as an object your ego tries to fixate on, grab, control, maintain...
  • There is no longer a "holding high vibration" - that's a spiritual misunderstanding that comes from the tendency to micromanage our experience, instead of surrendering to the higher truth of experience, so to free us from attachment to not objectify our own light as a spiritual object, to wake up out of the unconsciousness of ego so ego can fulfill its true role of being the uniqueness and personality of Christhood consciousness in individual form.
  • We breathe light of heaven in all through us, we breathe out light out in front and in back... we don't grab onto the light because we make space for it to be available for all.
  • We are the prophesy every sacred scripture points towards and foreshadows.
  • We are the realization that wakes up every dreamer from reading the prophecy and wondering which character is coming back when that one who has returned is the heart centered awareness within the reader reading it.  You are that one breathing in the light of consciousness in...breathing light of consciousness out in both directions...
  • A light that when you hold no attachment to it will purify and transform every part of you, like a butterfly of healing relief that has the freedom to fly throughout all molecules and cells of your body as long as you remain open and don't trap the butterfly in your hands or put it in a jar.  We remain open and detached.

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  • This is your heart and you are healing your heart to transform the world into a magnification of your own enlightened beingness. 
  • And so we integrate this beautiful journey that benefits humanity and for you equally.
  • We integrate this experience with the very simple practice called "loving kindness".
  • "May all beings be healed.  May all beings be free.  May all beings be transformed.  And may it begin with me.  May all beings be healed.  May all beings be set free.  May all beings be transformed.  And may it begin with me..."
  • Do that five times, symbolizing the fifth dimension we are anchoring and awakening for this planet and for all.
  • If you are inspired by this, this is a practice you can do daily to find pockets in your day where you surrender the agenda of taking sides in favour of healing for all if that calls to you.
  • Inevitably it will be the space you live in and this world will exist in a world without needing to take a side when healing is for the transformation of all sides.
  • And healing for all sides does not mean that predators get healed before victims, everyone is healed simultaneously so to resolve an end, the historical current patterns of conflict and grief, and deception, and scarcity and survival.
  • It is an offered invitation to take breaks throughout the day, throughout out tech driven fast paced opinion oriented society and to vote for the healing of all.
  • To enact the salvation, remembrance and awakening of the heaven dwelling in all, no matter how deeply buried and suppressed under layers of pain, and let this opportunity help remind you that we have returned to manifest our light for the benefit of the world.
  • We are not just co-creators trying to use the laws of the cosmos to improve our individual lives, although this is okay, we are co-creators using the law of attraction to mutually transform this planet into heaven on earth, and who is the only one who could enact such a destiny, but the returning messiah of Christhood light, that fulfills not a religious, but a spiritual prophesy, heralding in celebration and celebrating the almighty arrival of your light on this planet.
  • For it is stepping into your light and supporting the healing of all that will equally free you.
  • Let this moment in time together be a door we are opening into a new beginning of what it means to heal, for real.
  • And to fulfil our true purpose as co-creators of a new earth, the light in me honours the light in you because the light in me is the light in you, and that's what it means to know what's true.
  • Each and every time we come together we take it deeper, because humanity is crying out for its light to be remembered and we are the mirror reflection of holy remembrance, the conditioning of this planet is not a mirror reflecting stuff to work on, we are the mirrors of light reminding the world how brightly it is destined to shine.
  • Welcome home to the home of your light.

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

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Edited by Loba

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It starts with one
All I know
It's so unreal
Watch you go...

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Notes:

  • What's going on here?
    It is not quite a situation, not a view of the cosmos in which good and evil are so evenly balanced that nothing happens.
  • Evil is just troublesome enough to give good a run for its money.  It's as if the game that is being played here is playing order against chaos.  But you've gotta have some chaos in order to play the game of order against it.

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  • But if order wins, there's no further game.  
  • If chaos wins there's no further game.
  • If they are equally balanced it's a stalemate.
  • So what happens is this: chaos is always losing, but is never defeated.  It's the good loser.
  • And that is a game that is worth the candle. 
  • Playing chess: if you get an opponent who can always defeat you, you stop playing with him, if you get an opponent whom you can always defeat, you stop playing with them.
  • But so long as there is a certain uncertainty of outcome and you win some of the time - then it's a good game.
  • And this is simply a number symbolism, not to be taken literally.
  • The mythology says that we are now in the Kali Yuga, which started a little before 3,000 BC, so we have a long way to go if you take it literally.
  • But of course people have a way of always being in the Kali Yuga.

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  • We can go back to Egyptian inscriptions from 6,000 BC which says the world is going hopelessly to the dogs, that's always been the complaint.
  • But according to this mythology you have to realize the lord, the Brahman in three aspects:
    One is Brahma, the creative principal.
    Two is Vishnu the preserving principal.
    Three is Shiva the destroying principal - and Shiva is very important here. 
  • Shiva is always represented in Hindu imagery as a yogi. 
  • He is the destroyer in the sense of being the liberator, the cracker of shells so that chickens can come forth, the breaker up of mothers so that their children can be unsmothered, the liberative destruction, the bonfire - that's why devotees of Shiva like to do their meditations along the banks of the Ganges where they burn dead bodies because through destruction life is constantly renewed. 
  • Shiva has a paramour and her name is Kali, but that is a different word than the Kali Yuga.  Kali is much worse than Shiva, she is black and she has a long, long tongue and her teeth are like fangs, but she is very beautiful. 
  • In her right hand she carries a scimitar and in her left she carries a severed head hanging by the hair, and Kali whose Shiva's - Shiva and all the Gods have their paramours - they are all examples of the one central self.  She is called Parvati, but that's her bright aspect.  But her dark aspect is Kali. 
  • And Kali is the awful awfuls, the thing that all men dread - Kali is outer darkness, Kali is the end.  She may be represented as a bloodsucking octopus.  As a spider mother that eats its spouse, and yet there are those in India like Sri Ramakrishna, for whom Kali is the supreme mother goddess.
  • Because she is two faced.  She is playful and terrifying, loving and devouring.  Destroyer and saviour. 
  • And the cult of Kali has its importance.  Helping one to see the light principal in the very depths of darkness.
  • Meditation on Kali:
    You go to the aquarium, and you find out there the monsters of the deep that make you feel nervous and you study them and so in this way Kali is studied by her devotees.
    And if you meditate on those, this will be like putting manure on the soil.
    And out of all this apparently morbid and dismal thinking, bright things will begin to arise, because you will realize that what Kali is, is the most far out act that the supreme self can put on; the symbol of complete alienation from itself.

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  • So what happens is this: in the process of the game of hide and seek, the supreme self tries to see how far out it can get.  Just like children like to sit around and compete to see who can make the most hideous face, and so this gets worse and worse as the time cycle goes on until at the end of the Kali Yuga, Shiva puts in an appearance.
  • And he is all black and has ten arms and he dances a dance called the tendava and when dancing this dance the whole universe is destroyed in fire, he turns around to leave the stage, and on the back of his head is the face of Brahma the creator and it starts again.

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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end, it doesn't even matter

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  • Now you see, this involves certain ideas that are quite alien to the west.
  • One, the idea of the world as play.
  • Our lord God in the west tends to be over serious and no great Christian artist has ever painted a laughing Christ or a smiling Christ.
  • Always this figure is tragic - and has that sort of look in the eye that says, "One of these days you and I have got to get together for a very serious talk..."
  • There is some difficulty about the notion of the world as dramatic play for us.  
  • There's another difficult notion here and that is cyclic time.  Most of us live in linear time.  This originated with St. Augustin and his interpretation of the Bible.
  • It was Judaism that gave us the idea of history.
  • Hindus have no interest in history whatsoever, or not until recent times - to the total exasperation of historians there is no way of finding textual evidence of the age of most of the Hindu scriptures.
  • Because they aren't interested in history as such, they are only interested in human events as archetypal occurrences, as repetitions of the great mythological themes over and over again. 
  • So if in a document started out that a certain adventure happened to king so and so, in the next generation they have changed the name of that king to the current king because the story was typical anyway, they just wanted to talk about a king everyone knew - they alter things in that way so they know no kind of chronology.
  • If you ask intelligent Asians about this, they have a difficulty in understanding what history is, whereas on the other hand, according to our scholars, the Jews were historically minded because they remembered the story of their decent from Adam and Abraham, the great event of the liberation from Egypt and then the reign of King David, and then things go sliding downhill as other forces become stronger and so they get fixed on the idea that one day is going to be the day of the lord and the messiah will come and put an end to history.
  • And there will be restoration of paradise. 
  • But this is linear, they don't think of the world having been created many many times before, and come to an end many times before.
  • It's one, clear ascent from start to finish, from alpha to omega.
  • When St. Agustin was thinking about this he thought if time is cyclic, Jesus would have to be crucified for the salvation of the world once in every cycle, but he had it that there was only one historical crucifixion in time, what they call the one full perfect sufficient sacrifice for the sins of the whole world.
  • He got is hierarchies confused.  It is true there is one sacrifice, but that's on the plane of eternity, on the plane of time eternal things can be repeated again and again.

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  • As a result of that we are handed down - the Greeks were similar to the Hindus - but he have been handed linear time and therefore we are always thinking of a progression that will take us steadily to a more perfect world, and it will get better, if we keep our heads on straight.
  • This shows a rather naïve view of human nature - human beings tend to smash what they create and say, "Let's do it again." 
  • There is that in man which is also in the child.  
  • It isn't realistic to suppose that human beings will simply get better and better because they'll get tired of it.
  • They will say, "Let's be as awful as possible".  There was that element in Nazism.
  • We are converting all the living world around us into excrement and pretending it doesn't happen that way and we are the most marvelous vortices in this stream of food, which whirls around as us, and then disappears into excrement which fertilizes the soil and we keep doing this.
  • This is represented by Shiva-Kali and is always there.  
  • The Hindu looks at the world with very hard boiled realism in this way and sees terror and magnificence, love and fury - the two faces of the same thing.
  • Is there any peace possible?
    After you have looked at this picture for a long, long time and you can see the endless cycles because this thing goes on always.  "World without end."
  • Brahma doesn't have to remember anything and does not get tired of it, and you only get tired of things you remember - that's why from this standpoint there is no time, only an eternal Now.

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  • So the secret of waking up from the drama, the endless cycles is the realization that the only time that there is is the present.
  • And when you become awake to that, boredom is at an end and you are delivered from the cycles.
  • Not in the sense that they disappear, that you no longer go through them, you do go through them - but you realize that they are not going anywhere.
  • Supposing you liken the rhythm to music - you don't hurry it up or say let's get to the end faster - you know how to listen to music only when you slow down time and sit back and let that be.
  • And so in the same way you could see every little detail of life in a new way.

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  • And so one's eyes are open in astonishment by being living totally here and now.
  • What the self means in Hindu philosophy - "that art thou" - meaning that self is the basis of all being.
  • And being is not something into which we come, but out of which we proceed in popular language, we say "I came into this world," as if you came from somewhere else; from outside - but you don't, you come out of this world in the same way as the leaves come from the tree and so in that way you are an expression of it and the self meaning itself; identity; basis; ground - is what everybody fundamentally is.
  • The world as the self in the sense of the cosmos as the self: the great cycles of time in which according to Hindu philosophy and mythology, the world is manifested and then again withdrawn.
  • The human world as the self: They're having the known history of mankind, then about three types of culture:
    Hunting cultures: earliest, every man is expert in the whole culture, that's because he spends a good deal of time alone in the forests or on the hills and so he has to know how to make clothes, how to cook, how to build, how to fight, ride, and all those things.  As soon as people become settled in cities, we get a division of labour because it is more practical when you are all living together for some people to specialize in some things and some in others.  Another difference - difference of religion between hunting and agrarian culture - the religious man of the hunting culture is known as a shaman.  A shaman is a weird individual in the ancient sense of the word, weird in the sense of magic because he is a person of a peculiar sensitivity who finds initiation into the shaman role by going off by himself for a long time into the depths of the forest of heights of the mountains and in that isolation - he comes in touch with a domain of consciousness which is known as the spirit world, the gods, ancestors, etc.  And his knowledge of that world is supposed to give him powers of healing, prophecy, magic in general.  A shaman is that his initiation is found by himself.  He does not receive initiation from an order or a guru.
    Agrarian cultures: arose when hunters learned to farm and therefore had to settle in certain places and it was then that men built cities and when we pass from the hunting to the agrarian culture, we notice two important changes occur.  The religious man of the agrarian community is a priest and a priest is at almost invariably an ordained person.  He receives his power from a community of priests or from a guru.  In other words from tradition.  Tradition is all important in the agrarian community.  The first communities are made of palings - within and beyond.  So here is a primitive community and as often as not this community will settle at a crossroads for obvious reasons where roads cross that is where people meet and so it is libel to have gates and crossing main streets.  And that immediately establishes divisions of the city.  And so oddly enough in Hindu society there are four casts based on the four fundamental divisions of labour and number one is the cast of priests, and they're called Brahmana.  Number two is the cast of warriors and rulers and they are called Kshatriya, number three is the cast of merchants and tradesman and they are called Vaishya and number four are labourers and they are called Shudra.  So those are the four principal roles in the world of settled humanity.
    Industrial cultures.

 

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Edited by Loba

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Twice I turn my back on you
I fell flat on my face but didn't lose
Tell me where would I go
Tell me what led you on I'd love to know

I first found myself in a city that in each direction I looked, the street would change.  Finally I decided to stay looking in a single direction and walked through it, flowers lined the streets of the city in baskets.  Segue.

Was it the blue night
Gone fragile?
Was it both men
In wonder steady gone under?
Was it the light ways
So frightening?
Was it two wills?
One mirror holding us dearer now

I walked along a strip that was moving like a conveyer belt in space.  Everything was transparent and I could see the stars.  Paintings were on the walls of mundane objects in their perfection.  Various people were looking at these frames.  I stopped to stare at a red apple.  Segue.

I thought I had an answer once
But your random ways swept me along
Colossal signs so I got lost
With so many lovers singing soft

I found myself in absolute darkness, but my sense of self was still there.  I remembered how I felt being different from everyone else.  I fell to my invisible knees and cried out, "Why can't I be like you?"  A motherly presence brought me in close and held me and said, "You are like me, you just have to be calm."

 

Edited by Loba

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Alchemy - Nigredo ?

Quote

 

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Well, well, you better run from me
You better hit the road
You better up and leave
Don't get too close
'Cause I'm a rolling stone
And I keep rolling on
You better run from me
Before I take your soul

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If I go, let me go
Don't you follow me, let me go
I will let you down, let me go
Even if your heart can't take it light me up in flames
Light me up in

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Light me up, oh
Light me up, oh
Light me up, oh

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You better run from me
You better say goodbye
And even if I plead
Don't waste your time
'Cause I'm a broken home
You're better off alone
You better run from me
Before I take your soul

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If I go, let me go
Don't you follow me, let me go
I will let you down, let me go
Even if your heart can't take it light me up in flames
Light me up in flames

 

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Notes:

  • In alchemy Nigredo, or blackness means petrification of decomposition.
  • It was believed by alchemists that the first steps towards to philosopher's stone required all the ingredients to be cleansed and cooked excessively to a uniform black matter, but what does this Nigredo phase mean for our physiological wellbeing?
  • How does it operate in our unconscious?
  • What are the implications of this process when viewed at the collective level?
  • Is it the same as shadow work?
  • What does the blackness represent?
  • Let's uncover the truth to these and other questions.
  • For Carl Jung the purpose of alchemy is to liberate the whole individual which is hidden in the darkness, threatened by the rational and correct conduct of life.

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  • Consequently experiencing themselves as hindered and on the wrong path, the Nigredo, or blackness was the initial stage of the alchemical process. 
  • It is the original dark chaos, also known as massa confusa, where all the elements were chaotically swirling around together.
  • It could also represent the state of separations, where the elements were separated from one another.

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  • I could also represent the state of separation where the elements are separated from one another, in this state a union of opposites is needed and male and female lay together to produce a third.
  • This third product of their union is marked for death and so the mourning period begins, the Nigredo phase.
  • Putrefactio and mortifactio are two aspects of the Nigredo phase where the former means rotting and the later means killing.
  • Here we see how this phase is closely associated with death, Saturn rules Nigredo phases, and the opposites that need unification are the sun and the moon.
  • Let's not forget that Saturn is also the god of fertility, this means that the alchemical expression is a fertile earth expressed as a transformation as death into a new life. 
  • The head of a raven is another traditional name for the Nigredo phase.

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  • In the practice of analytical psychology, the term Nigredo becomes a metaphor for the dark night of the soul, when an individual confronts the shadow within himself.
  • Carl Jung claims that the shadow personifies everything that the subject refuses to see in himself and represents a tight passage, a narrow door whose painful constriction, no one is spared who goes down to the deep well.
  • When an individual makes an attempt to see his shadow he becomes aware of and often ashamed of those qualities and impulses he denies in himself, but can plainly see in others such things.
  • This is a painful and lengthy work of self education.
  • Alchemists projected their inner psychic contents to matter and their transformational practices concerning it, the Nigredo that was the black work of alchemists represented a critical involvements experienced by the ego until it accepts the newly formed equilibrium brought by the creation of the self.
  • For Jungians the Nigredo phase could be interpreted in two mains ways: 
    First - the subject is unaware of the unconscious i.e. the connection with the instincts.  Nigredo here makes the subject bringing about awareness to his unconscious.
    Second - says that the Nigredo is a part of the individuation process which is subjectively experienced and brought about by the subjects growing painful awareness of his shadow aspects.  It is a prerequisite for personal development.  As the individuation unfolds, the confrontation with the shadow produces at first a dead balance, a standstill that hampers moral decision and makes convictions ineffective or impossible - Negredo; chaos, melancholia.
  • Melancholy can arise when working on ones self, the alchemists advice music to leave the alive the soul.
  • The Nigredo phase is followed by deep emotions, it is slow, repetitive, difficult, dissecting, effortful, severe and pulverizing.  
  • Allthewhile the worker enters a Nigredo state; depressed, confused, anguished and subject to pessimistic even paranoid thoughts of sickness, failure and death.
  • Mourning is caused by the loss of an object or person who carried an important projected value, and in order to withdraw projections and assimilate their content into one's own personality, it is necessary to experience the loss of the projected as a prelude to rediscovering the content or value within, therefore mourners are fortunate because they are involved in a growth process.
  • They will be comforted when the lost projected value has been recovered within the psyche.
  • This is the darkest time of despair and disillusionment.
  • All of this gives the power for the enantiodromia to take place where the Nigredo phase gives way to the Albedo phase, where the decent into the unconscious suddenly becomes an illumination from the psychic realms above.
  • Enantiodromia: Jung describes it as an emergence of the unconscious opposite in the course of time, this characteristic phenomenon always occurs when an extreme one sided tendency dominates conscious life.  In time an equally powerful counter-position is built up, which first inhibits the conscious performance and subsequently breaks through the conscious control.
  • When it comes to the colour black - it carries the meanings of the random and the formless, like a black hole it sucks into it and makes vanish the fundamental security structures of a Western consciousness, by abstaining colour, black prevents phenomena from presenting their virtues.
  • Black's deconstruction of any positivity, experienced as doubt, negative thinking, suspicious, undoing, valuelessness, explains why the Nigredo is necessary to every paradigm shift.

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  • On the mythological level Nigredo represents the difficulties that men needed to overcome on the Hero's Journey.
  • Alchemists said that the Nigredo stage lasts 40 days.
  • 40 days has a symbolic value. 
  • Jesus fasted for 40 days in the desert.
  • St. Antonius spent 40 days in the Sahara desert being plagued by visions.
  • The Israelites wandered for 40 days in the desert and there are 40 days of fasting between Easter and the Ascension day.
  • When it comes to literary works, the raven, but Edgar Allen Poe and Shakespeare's Ophelia come to mind.
  • In the birth of the Red Book entitled, "Decent into the Hell in the Future", we find the following dark passage:
    I see a grey rock face along, which I sink into great depths, I stand in black dirt, up to my ankles in a dark cave, shadows sweep over me, I am seized by fear but I know I must go in.  I crawl through a narrow crack in the rock and reach an inner cave whose bottom is covered in black water, but beyond this I catch a glimpse of an illuminated red stone which I must reach, I wade through the muddy water.  The cave is full of the frightful noise and shrieking voices.  I take the stone.  It covers a dark opening in the rock.  I hold the stone in my hand, peering around inquiry.  I do not want to listen to the voices, they keep my away but I want to know.  Here something wants to be uttered.  I place my ear to the opening.  I hear the flow of underground waters.  I see the bloody head of a man in the dark stream, someone wounded, someone slain floats there.  I take this image for a long time, shuddering.  I see a large black scarab floating past on the dark stream, in the deepest reach of the stream shines a red sun, radiating through the dark water, there I see and the terror seizes me.  Small serpents in the dark rock walls, striding towards the depths where the sun shines, a thousand serpents crowd around, veiling the sun, deep night falls.  A red stream of blood, thick, red blood springs up, surging for a long time, then ebbing.  I am seized by fear.  What did I see?
  • In conclusion, a Nigredo phase is a psychological process that can be also viewed as shadow work.  Here a problem is given full attention by being reduced to its core.  It is not done purely in an intellectual manner, but in an emotional one.
  • Confrontation with our inner reality is often painful and can lead to extreme states of feeling.
  • This confrontation makes us understand what we project to others and the world.
  • It makes us become aware of our own darkness.
  • Only through this process where our false ideas and beliefs are burned away do be become aware of what we really are, as Nigredo is the first stage of the individuation process which alchemists believe to be the making of the philosopher's stone - lead to gold, psychologically and spiritually. 

 

Edited by Loba

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I'm just trying to find that shift roll right
I'm not dealing wit the hype
I don't fuck with your vibe
Take that to the other side

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Notes:

  • In this process you are inviting Nigredo to come to the surface, you can't scrape it out until you know it is there and what it is and you are going to have to get all of the symptoms that you can't contain mentally will come to you physically or karmically.
  • The more you can deal with it at a mental level and surrender them, process, burn them, the less they will have to become physicalized, and karmic-alized. 
  • The more you will be able to digest them without going through that culinary process.
  • What has to happen is your brain's functioning is being reconfigured, the way that your brain processes information is being changed, and the ego defends against that.
  • It defends against too much Shakti coming that will completely scramble the ego's defenses and make it unable to defend itself, it will be an absolute vulnerability and once you are in total non-violence and non-aggression, the ego feels so helpless that it brings up the ultimate fear.
  • And so it will try to defend against that with justifications and all kinds of rationales and at the same time all the ways that it was betrayed and all the ways that things didn't work out, all the distrust, the memories of that, they will come up as reasons for not letting go of the ego's will to power and its own attitudinal idiosyncrasies that have to be surrendered.
  • The symptoms as much as possible need to be dealt with in meditation, but you have to allow the meaning of the suffering, the pain that you're feeling to come totally into your mind and because it's unbearable usually, the ego - not the consciousness - the sensor-level, would prefer you to have a stomach ache than to have a headache on an emotional level that was unbearable - it would rather create karma.

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  • It is when we are open to the meaning of everything that happens to us and not our own fantasy of meaning, but the meaning from God's perspective.
  • There is a spectrum between meaning and being.
  • The ego wants to stay on the level of meaninglessness but then when it starts to enter into the spectrum of meaning, it discovers there are deeper and deeper levels of meaningfulness that bring it closer to God, but there is a certain point in which meaning transforms into being.
  • This is the basis of the famous ontological proof of God's existence.
  • God is the greatest of all possible beings.  So a God who should exist and is an idea is not as great or as real as a God that is not just an idea.
  • That is a valid proof, but you have to recognize the relationship of meaning to being.  It is when you have reached the separation of your own sense of who you are as being a meaning, a representation, a mental self image, a mental object - and you have become real.
  • You have attained beingness, not meaningfulness, then God as the supreme being also becomes your true reality.
  • But the symptoms are at that level of meaning that does not want to become being.
  • Why?  Because once you become being there is no return to the non-committal relationship to the completion of the process of ego-death.
  • The ego is terrorized of it's own death, it wishes to continue in suffering rather than to die into God's wholeness is the ultimate cause of all symptoms.
  • If you are open enough to it, willing to feel it, not as a physical, but to feel its core as to the pain that it's causing, and usually you will know by where it is happening, or if it a karmic relationship, etc., you will be able to know it has some relationship to your relation to your body or different parts of your body, whether being misused or abused or not being fully developed or your mind is not being fully developed, or your heart isn't fully open, or there isn't full love and compassion etc.
  • The suffering is always a contraction of the soul that doesn't want to totally open up and surrender.
  • When there is a complete letting go, that relaxation is communicated to the cells which allow a letting go of all of the causes of the symptoms - now if you analyze most of the symptoms that the body has, they come in the form of an autoimmune issue or an allergy - what is an allergy?  Your body is fooled by thinking something is toxic that isn't.

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  • The body is not fooled, the ego has changed the meaning of something that is not poison and made it poisonous to the body.
  • Why has it changed the meaning of this?  It's because your own meaningfulness was out of sync with the real and when you are in total sync with it then that synchronicity and syntony of the real and the bodily expression of the real become in harmony again and the allergic or autoimmune issues are then released and the body is able to have an accurate understanding of what is good and nourishing and to not create a symptom.

Darkness comes and darkness stays
Face your fears
Don't be afraid
Ju-ju-just watch

 

Edited by Loba

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