ivankiss

Can't have sex unless I'm in love

54 posts in this topic

So last night I had sex with this girl...and it was pretty bad. Empty, boring and kinda awkward.

There was no real connection. It was just flesh rubbing against flesh.

Now I'm left feeling unsatisfied and kinda dirty. I'm disappointed in myself for getting involved with this girl that I didn't even like really - just for the purpose of busting a nut. (Which I didn't. Could not cum. Was struggling to remain hard, even)

I've been contemplating a bit and came to a conclusion that I'm unable to just have casual sex with random girls. It might've worked in the past; but now I'm looking for something deeper. 

I don't want to have meaningless sex. I want to make love. I want to feel that connection. To merge with another's soul.

However; finding a partner for that is a bit more challenging than just picking up random girls. 

I ended a pretty serious relationship not that long ago. And I had this idea that I'd be single now and fool around with girls for a while. In my mind the idea seemed cool. But when it came down to actually doing it; it didn't feel right. 

I don't feel ready for a new, full-blown relationship now. And I also cannot just have random sex. So I'm guessing the only right thing to do is...to just drop it all for some time. Focus on other areas of life. 

It will most likely be challenging. I'd say I'm very sexual by nature. But I know it's the right thing to do. No sex until I fall in love with someone again. 

Curious if anyone here went through something similar?

Speaking mainly to men... but maybe even some women went through a similar transformation. Do share your experience, please.

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Edited by ivankiss

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ivankiss

I definitely had a similar experience. I was involved in the PUA community and had pretty good "success". But it just wasn't that appealing after a while.

I'd highly recommend reading a book called Slow Sex by Diana Richardson. Totally changed my perspective on sex and what I was looking for.


Follow me on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/akourakin/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ivankiss You're not alone brother. I'm the exact same way. Without that heart-connection, things will be awkward.

One thing that I learned from a coach is that all relationships start as casual. The first few dates are about getting to know each other, whether sex is a part of that or not. Setting the intention of creating a relationship, and letting her know that after a few dates should help. 

@aurum I've heard you speak about that book in other threads before. It must be pretty good!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate to that definitely although I'm not someone with a lot of non-relationship sexual experience as I've been with my partner for nearly 10 yrs now. Can't imagine going out there and having sex with random girls again, i wouldn't probably be able to pick any of them up anyways ?

The sort of connection you get with someone for whom you care on a deeper level can't be replaced by shallow sex even with a 10/10. But then what do i know ?


MY WEBSITE  I'm a certified nutritionist & health coach. I help men who struggle with chronic health problems, to remember what happy & healthy feels like. 

HEALTH E-BOOKS - learn how to boost your mental performance, energy and health (free download) 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I don't feel ready for a new, full-blown relationship now. And I also cannot just have random sex. So I'm guessing the only right thing to do is...to just drop it all for some time. Focus on other areas of life. 

I'd say there's a scenario in between a relationship and "random" sex you could try, a well thought-out FWB type situation. You have to be picky with who this person is, so there's still a connection, respect, physical affection etc, which should make the sex much better than merely a ONS.

In this scenario there is still love involved (even though it's not romantic). This works out as long as you can separate romantic feelings from physical affection/sex/platonic love. This can be hard for some people but it's definitely possible!

Make sure to keep speaking to other girls and make sure the girl in the FWB arrangement also wants to speak to to others/is not ready for a serious relationship right now. It helps if the person has some differing views that wouldn't work out relationship-wise, but there is still open mindedness, no judgment and respect from the other person.

I'm talking from recent experience as I am in a similar position to you ? It's probably easier for women to find situations like this though, as there's a greater selection of men to choose form. 

 


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it" -Rumi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

So last night I had sex with this girl...and it was pretty bad. Empty, boring and kinda awkward.

There was no real connection. It was just flesh rubbing against flesh.

Now I'm left feeling unsatisfied and kinda dirty. I'm disappointed in myself for getting involved with this girl that I didn't even like really - just for the purpose of busting a nut. (Which I didn't. Could not cum. Was struggling to remain hard, even)

I've been contemplating a bit and came to a conclusion that I'm unable to just have casual sex with random girls. It might've worked in the past; but now I'm looking for something deeper. 

I don't want to have meaningless sex. I want to make love. I want to feel that connection. To merge with another's soul.

However; finding a partner for that is a bit more challenging than just picking up random girls. 

I ended a pretty serious relationship not that long ago. And I had this idea that I'd be single now and fool around with girls for a while. In my mind the idea seemed cool. But when it came down to actually doing it; it didn't feel right. 

I don't feel ready for a new, full-blown relationship now. And I also cannot just have random sex. So I'm guessing the only right thing to do is...to just drop it all for some time. Focus on other areas of life. 

It will most likely be challenging. I'd say I'm very sexual by nature. But I know it's the right thing to do. No sex until I fall in love with someone again. 

Curious if anyone here went through something similar?

Speaking mainly to men... but maybe even some women went through a similar transformation. Do share your experience, please.

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Since I am less and less intereted in that stuff as the time goes by, I would just play guitar, do what you are supposed to, enrich the world so you can die knowing that you really used your abilities and did what you wanted, and not take another body. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Were you physically and sexually attracted to her? To what degree? How did it feel? Did it feel physically pleasant? Why do you think it was difficult to have an erection (in the moment)? Were there similar occurrences in your past (in casual relationships as well as serious ones)? How certain are you that it would be different in a serious relationship? What level of sexual interest / libido do you usually have? (Basically how horny are you?) Do you want to be able to enjoy casual sex?

I'll offer an opposing perspective here. Be open-minded to, or consider, possible ED, sexual dysfunction, low libido, or this being a "bad" thing, to different degrees depending on the answers to the questions above

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

   Make your dick and orgasm the focus of your mindfulness practice. Also, do subconsciousness training, meaning do positive affirmations/visualizations about sex being good, and try to be positive with yourself. Eventually, you'll end up with a really high quality woman right for you. Mine took years of training to find.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone.

Upon more introspection; I discovered that I don't really want any sexual interactions now.  It was all coming from a false sense of need. Thing is; I had plenty of sex so far. Some really good sex, too. And I've also been in several relationships. What I did not experience truly and fully; is being by myself. Having a deep, intimate relationship with myself. I see that as something relevant now. 

It's somewhat scary, but I also see how this could result in a tremendous amount of inner strength. 

What I truly desire, if I'm being honest, is to meet The One. And I guess until that happens; I'm fine with being off the market. The idea of a FWB scenario crossed my mind too, but idk, I don't resonate with it really. I must become The One, myself. And that's not gonna happen while I'm fooling around with girls that are not what I'm really looking for.

This is how I feel right now. Might be a phase.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

is to meet The One.

So you're looking to fuck God, eh? ;)


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

What I did not experience truly and fully; is being by myself. Having a deep, intimate relationship with myself. I see that as something relevant now. 

:D Happy for you.

You won't regret this. Self-love is underrated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ivankiss You are already the one, admit to yourself that you already love your Self wholeheartedly. Have a good masturbation practice, and work on feeling your sexual energy. You might find a match or not, don’t worry about that. The better you love yourself the more love energy you’ll radiate around, which would increase the odds of manifesting a meaningful deeply loving relationship. Namaste brother ?? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now