Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Vilius

Life purpose becoming a Doctor (sorry for the mess)

6 posts in this topic

Good morning everyone, 

Sorry if the paragraphs I'm about to write going to be a bit messy. English is not my first  language sorry for any inconvience it might cause. Anyways getting that out of the way. 

First of all, I'm 23 years old I've finished physiotherapy studies in my home country Lithuania and came to United kingdom to study sports therapy. Choosing sports therapy was a wrong decision in the first place, because I were insecure about my previous education and I thought somehow sports therapy and working with athlete's going to be my thing. Turn out to be absolute opposite, working with footballers on the pitchside sounded horrible I didn't even like football rugby ect. I didn't do much research before coming to study that subject, I just assumed working with athletes going to be ''Cool'' I were absolutely wrong and I knew it because my intuition was telling me that, but I didn't listen to it all. Thus I left my studies during the pandemic last year, and since I wanted to stay in UK I found job in health care (home Carer) because physios are differently regulated in UK and I couldn't work as one.

Furthermore choosing to study physiotherapy were also made from my deep insecurity of not being able to do study medicine. I haven't completely failed school, but I had a lot of issues in school with myself, starting with eating disorder my 10th and 12th grades were spent being absorbed by eating disroder anorexia and bulimia. Excessive amounts of training on top. Yet I've managed to have good grades in biology. 

Anyways school were absolutely mess for me, studying physio thought me one thing that I want to be a doctor it always was clear as a day for me but I were ignoring that because I thought I'm not capable to do that. Even though I don't have absolute clarity which specialty of medicine either a dietitian or surgeon, I'm absolutely fascinated by both and I've done shadowing for both professions couple years ago.

After I've finished physiotherapy and came to UK, I've done enormous amount of work with myself, retreats, long meditations sessions, broke up with my girlfriend (made that by my choice) ect. I had to deal with my past childhood traumas they were holding me back enormously I've been beaten with fists by my father many of times. I‘ve a lot of abuse in my family, father beating my mother (breaking her nose) I were around 7, my grandfather beating my grandmother while being drunk, also I've been stealing form the shops in my childhood, my parents and  grandparents, manipulating lying ect. I had massive issues with telling truth It was challenging to overcome it. On top of that as I mentioned previously I had eating disorder which I get rid off at 22, I‘ve developed those disorder  when I were 15, still remember that  during summer break from school (3 months) I‘ve lost 24kg, not eating and exercising.

I think I've been stuck in victim mentality ''poor me'' thinking for a while which holder me back. Anyways I'm nearly 24 and I decided to start studying to apply for medicine next year, studies in Lithuania for medicine is free if you pass exams with good grades and go through military training which takes about 9 months. I also work full time (37 h) a week at the moment, to save some money before I start my studies, I can‘t work in Lithuania because the work is very low paid and it‘s not possible to save, maybe just to survive (salaries for physios is 500 euros a month). I‘m absolutely fine working 12h a day and studying on my working days and my days off, I want it that badly.

I know what medicine studies are like, I have friend who are docotrs and gone through all the meat grinder process. The thing is that I have this desire and it never goes away it‘s always there. I have worked hard manual labour in jobs in the past, construction site while studying physio, a lot of training on top of that. Also tried programming, massagge therapies, various other jobs retail  ect. Still my desire is at medicine.

And I‘m still some parts of me keep telling me:

It‘s going to take 10 years is it worth it? ( I know it is, fear of missing out)

I‘m not going to make a lot of money for the next decade (I dont even care that much about money in the first place but the thoughts is there)

Maybe I just should develop my skillls further in physio good enough anyways, helping people ect. ( I still have that hole of not fullfilling myself as a docotr, desire still there)

 

Some of these thoughts keeps me doubting, I know it‘s hard way but the life I‘ve had till now always were very difficult.

I dont want be satisfied with just good enough, but there so many distraction out there.

I could make physio business in that time, I could do anything else.

That underlying desire I had for years since childhood.

Anyways my concers: Fear of not having enough money for the time ‘ll be studying, one part of me dont even care, but another one is afraid of that. It just makes me go crazy.

Also  I‘ve been contemplating a lot about it. 1.5 years to prepare for exams? Working as facilitator in charity organisation looking after disabled adults while I‘ll study and save? Very long and hard road, 9 months of military on top of that afterwards just to get in and then 6 years of studies in Lithuania then leave to other country to do residency.

 

Although I sometimes think that universe has good sense of humor, maybe everything I‘ve gone and going through is  just to prepare me for something.

 

My apologies about the mess at the end, I didn‘t have clear idea how to write those abstarct messy thoughts out of my head, I‘ve tried to make them in order as it made sense for me, thank you so much for anyone who read that.

 

I just wanted to get some external input from someone  if the choice I‘m going to make is right?..

 

Again sorry for the mess at the end. Thank you and much love.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you considered going on Ayahuasca retreat it helps getting out of your monkey mind, there is a nice place in Florida didn't cost that much put things in perspective for me, I remember Leo saying something in the video whatever you want to become someone's most likely really done it so buy there autobiography see if that helps 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Only you can 'feel' if this is the right thing to do. Take some time to do some visualisation on what it would feel like if you could just neglect all barriers, and would just be free. What would you do in that scenario? If you know your answer, then it becomes a matter of strategizing and forming a vision to get there. Being creative and willing to try and try until it works. I get it can be scary and there's a lot of uncertainty, but really, you don't wanna look back on your life and regret not living your dreams, and settling for something less because you did not dare. Of course you gotta be realistic, but if you never try to risk anything, you won't get anywhere. I did resonate a lot with choosing a job only because it would make you feel a certain way, filling in the whole in your self-image and experience of yourself. I made that mistake. Or I shouldn't say mistake, because it is an essential growth proces, but you'll find out it will not fulfill you eventually. If you are result-orientated, and you only want something because of a specific result it will bring you, be careful, inspect this, it will probably not fulfill you. In the end, you should enjoy your work, you should be passionate about, otherwise it's not worth it. If you want to become doctor, don't waste time and put your desire into action. But only if you really want it. Or otherwise, also, some people just have to burn through some karma to bring them closer to their core.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you've tried other things and the desire never goes away, what more do you need?

You doubt a lot of things but you don't doubt your desire to do medicine.

Nature loves courage. And the way it rewards courage, is by removing obstacles.

- Terence McKenna


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First try to work on some project related to medicine and if you like it then become a doctor else don't become a doctor.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel you bro let's connect!


<banned for jokes in the joke section>

Thought Art I am disappointed in your behavior ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0