DefinitelyNotARobot

My life is a systemic mess

19 posts in this topic

I think most people can relate to this, so I hope to that ya'll can help me with this one. My life is a systemic mess, which can't be fixed by solving problem A or B or C.

I struggle with a couple of problems like PTSD, addictions, self-hatred, low self-esteem, social anxiety, money problems, health problems, pressure from my family and so on. These are problems that most people struggle with, but I seem to be particularly dysfunctional which causes even more problems.

All of these things are connected to each other in some way, shape or form. It's like a spider net of problems that I feel stuck in.

I might for example have a couple of months where I feel good, so I try to overcome some addiction, like let's say video games. It might work out for like 1 - 4 months, but after a while I start feeling tons of negative emotions related to my PTSD. This is what my addiction is meant to overshadow and quitting brings all of these emotions to my attention, which causes me to spiral down into a depressive episode. I stop caring about anything and thus I relapse. The shame, guilt and the fact that I am wasting my life with something as mundane and stupid as video games makes me feel even worse. I feel intense self-hatred. I stop caring for myself. I stop meditating. I stop going out with friends. I stop being productive. I stop eating, which causes me to loose even more weight (I'm already underweight), which causes me to develop a severe lack of energy, which makes me want to sleep all day. Now I just lay in bed all the time or play video games to distract myself from the fact that I feel like shit.

After a while I get tired of feeling like shit and so I stop playing video games, I start meditating and eating healthy, I start being more productive and going out with friends again and so on. I feel good again.

Then the circle repeats itself.

 

So how do I deal with these problems, if these problems keep feeding into each other like that? I might fix one aspect of my life, but then another aspect will just drag me down again. I might try to fix the problem that dragged me down, but then another problem will drag me down yet again. No matter what I do, I just arrive at the same point. It's like I'm running in circles. I feel very powerless.

So how do I break this loop, when the loop keeps reinforcing itself? I guess that there are a lot of things that I don't understand. This ignorance makes me feel like I can't do anything about it. Like I am at the mercy of the tides.

 

How does one deal with these systemic problems? It's very confusing and I am tired of running into brick walls.

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The same thing happened to me and I became underweight. 

I suffer from PTSD.. 

You need to take baby steps and be positive. 

 

 


INTP loner....... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. 

Preety preety

 

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Also develop a strong self protective instinct. 

 


INTP loner....... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. 

Preety preety

 

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5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You need to take baby steps and be positive. 

Do you have any advice on staying positive? I find it kind of difficult when I find myself in a negative space.

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@neutralempty This isn't what I want my life to be. I want more than... this. Sadly I keep loosing sight of my goals whenever I go through one of these episodes. When I go through these episodes, it feels like I'm stuck in a limbo somewhere in-between life and death. I still breath and talk and walk, but I don't FEEL alive. I don't want to live, but I also don't want to die. So I just kind of sit there and don't do anything and wait for death to come.

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Have you looked into shadow work?

What I can gather from your post is that you have some serious self-sabotage issues going on which is a typical indication of the shadow self being prominently present in your life.

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Yes nistake is right, I didn't see it when I read the post first. But now I see self sabotage in the post.

Shadow work helps with identifying specific modalities that are causing the sabotage.. 


INTP loner....... Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream. Love it. 

Preety preety

 

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@DefinitelyNotARobot How old are you?


So if the age on your profile its like 21. 

DUDE.

 

You are too young to give up. 

Let me tell you something, life itself is a gift. The problem is someone has told you what to be and you dont like that so you rather not be. If you can tune out all voices and just focus on what you want to do and be, then you have a direction to go to.

 

Your in-action creates more misery than any wrong action could ever do, so just go and do something

Edited by UDT

Stage Yellow Health Hacks -->  https://bit.ly/3cQ3DTB

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20 hours ago, neutralempty said:

Why?

Hmm. That's a good question I'm actually not sure. It's just what my heart tells me.

18 hours ago, nistake said:

Have you looked into shadow work?

I've tried to, but it seems really difficult to do. Like it doesn't actually solve anything and just strenghtens my negative beliefs. Or maybe I just haven't been persistent or introspective enough. I honestly don't know.

4 hours ago, UDT said:

The problem is someone has told you what to be and you dont like that so you rather not be. If you can tune out all voices and just focus on what you want to do and be, then you have a direction to go to.

I think you are right. Most of the people in my life have been really discouraging. Be it my family, my friends, my peers, my teachers or whoever. I've went through a lot of abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, sexual) in my life and developed PTSD. It haunts me almost daily.

The problem is that I feel very anxious about being myself, because I see it as a danger to my own survival. I've been beaten up, shamed, judged and hurt in many different ways just because I expressed myself openly.

4 hours ago, UDT said:

Your in-action creates more misery than any wrong action could ever do, so just go and do something

Great point. I do think that that's true, but I also find myself having issues committing anything. I want to do stuff, I do have goals and dreams, but I feel like it's all just a waste of time. Like living itself is just a waste of time. Like dying right now, right here would spare me the next 30 years of suffering.

I do have a little bit of hope that there is something more to life than what the hell this is, this is what psychedelics showed me, but this hope gets shattered continuously by all the events in my life.

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@DefinitelyNotARobot I can definitely recommend the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott.

It has helped me a ton. It's a relatively short book and it basically describes one main shadow work technique. It's pretty easy to read, so you can finish it in a few days.

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On 27/01/2021 at 5:28 PM, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I think most people can relate to this, so I hope to that ya'll can help me with this one. My life is a systemic mess, which can't be fixed by solving problem A or B or C.

I struggle with a couple of problems like PTSD, addictions, self-hatred, low self-esteem, social anxiety, money problems, health problems, pressure from my family and so on. These are problems that most people struggle with, but I seem to be particularly dysfunctional which causes even more problems.

All of these things are connected to each other in some way, shape or form. It's like a spider net of problems that I feel stuck in.

I might for example have a couple of months where I feel good, so I try to overcome some addiction, like let's say video games. It might work out for like 1 - 4 months, but after a while I start feeling tons of negative emotions related to my PTSD. This is what my addiction is meant to overshadow and quitting brings all of these emotions to my attention, which causes me to spiral down into a depressive episode. I stop caring about anything and thus I relapse. The shame, guilt and the fact that I am wasting my life with something as mundane and stupid as video games makes me feel even worse. I feel intense self-hatred. I stop caring for myself. I stop meditating. I stop going out with friends. I stop being productive. I stop eating, which causes me to loose even more weight (I'm already underweight), which causes me to develop a severe lack of energy, which makes me want to sleep all day. Now I just lay in bed all the time or play video games to distract myself from the fact that I feel like shit.

After a while I get tired of feeling like shit and so I stop playing video games, I start meditating and eating healthy, I start being more productive and going out with friends again and so on. I feel good again.

Then the circle repeats itself.

 

So how do I deal with these problems, if these problems keep feeding into each other like that? I might fix one aspect of my life, but then another aspect will just drag me down again. I might try to fix the problem that dragged me down, but then another problem will drag me down yet again. No matter what I do, I just arrive at the same point. It's like I'm running in circles. I feel very powerless.

So how do I break this loop, when the loop keeps reinforcing itself? I guess that there are a lot of things that I don't understand. This ignorance makes me feel like I can't do anything about it. Like I am at the mercy of the tides.

 

How does one deal with these systemic problems? It's very confusing and I am tired of running into brick walls.

I felt the same way. But this is a long time ago. Try to sit and don't move for 4-6 hours. Every day or second day. Don't increase from 10 minutes to 1h etc.. Directly don't move for this time. Only a strict hardcore move does really help. Remember how important this is but don't stress yourself. Only eye blinking is allowed. Don't do it while lying. It's okay to sink in the chair. You don't have to be perfectly upright. Sit in the minimum amount of energy posture and just don't move. Try to slowly decrease temperature while showering till its really cold. Or do it right away. Try to increase the amount of household you are doing. This is if you are really powerless.

Related to the other stuff there is no solution. Accept it, feel it, experience it. Try to grasp what it is. This only gets better and then just slowly if you dedicated like feel into this. In a way that doesn't feel uncomfortable. And let go. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work just repeat it over and over again.

If you don't do it or anything else you are 'lost' because nobody can do it for you or really help you. Nobody. Do you want this? No? Then you don't have to stress yourself. 

Edited by IAmReallyImportant

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The only thing I could add to the advice given in this thread is the advice given to me when I was about your age. Don't play video games or escape how you're feeling -- you're only prolonging your misery. Your body is trying to tell you that it needs to process the pain you are carrying. So let it. Cry and scream into a pillow, try TRE, talk about your pain in therapy or addiction treatment, keep a journal, etc. You may be able to do shadow work simultaneously, but if you have to choose one, choose crying first. You'll also experience a ton of emotions doing shadow work, but I think expressing your feelings safely and productively is a top priority right now. 

Edited by Nobody_Here
added a few words for clarity

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On 28/01/2021 at 4:41 AM, Preety_India said:

 

I suffer from PTSD..

 

 

Same, even though I never been to WW2, but my Dad almost got drafted, Sorry for those 'creepy' pms from before.

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On 1/31/2021 at 0:16 AM, IAmReallyImportant said:

Try to sit and don't move for 4-6 hours.

Oh that's tough. The longest I've ever done was 4 hours and that was hell. I'll do a 6 hour week and see how it goes.

4 hours ago, Nobody_Here said:

Don't play video games or escape how you're feeling -- you're only prolonging your misery.

I know, but I don't understand. That's an obvious fact, I can observe how miserable I feel after having played video games for a month, yet I still do it. When I go through a depressive episode, I just completely stop caring for how I feel and how I'm treating myself. I know that it makes me feel bad. I just don't care. I know that it's bad for my health, I just don't care. It's like I'm a completely different person.

4 hours ago, Blackbeat said:

Same, even though I never been to WW2, but my Dad almost got drafted, Sorry for those 'creepy' pms from before.

Yeah I figure that PTSD is a complicated thing. Everybody has different capabilities when it comes to dealing with emotional traumas. Two people might live through one experience and one person might develop PTSD while the other one doesn't. It's not necessarily about the experience itself, but rather the person subjected to it.

I also don't know what you mean by creepy pms, you've got me a little confused.

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How Small Actions Change Your Life

This is just one video of many I’ve made that you might find helpful. Ultimately, what you’re going through is very difficult. I’ve experienced similar setbacks and cycles. Maybe some of the most cut-and-dry advice you can find on my channel would be videos about improving your credit, saving money, and business success. You said you struggle with money. It might not even be the most important thing to change, but it’s something that operates in a much more simplistic way than some of your other issues. I’d say pick one area to improve and stick to that until it’s close enough to where you want to be to be comfortable. Then move on to the next item. I’ve found trying to do too much at once just sends me back into a negative cycle as you described. Also, maybe don’t cut out video games completely at first since that’s proving to end up fucking you up quite consistently. You could simply regulate your play time to whatever degree you are comfortable with. A lot of this comes down to comfort. If a thing/goal is too hard, you probably won’t do it forever. This has a lot to do with mental illness too. You have to be practical. Don’t be a slave master to yourself trying to improve everything you dislike in an unforgiving and over-expectant fashion. What you want are results that last. Slowly build your foundation. 


13 Tabs of LSD - Mapping Consciousness #2
https://youtu.be/IOLw7_lbJtw

PM me if you have questions about bipolar disorder & awakening or just want to have a spiritual/philosophical discussion. 

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@BipolarGrowth Thanks! What you've said resonate with me a lot.

I think you're right when it comes to the money. I'm currently building my own business, but it's quite difficult. I probably won't be making much money for some time. I've been looking for a side job, but covid ain't making it easy on me. So I struggle within the areas of my life in which I lack the money.

I also agree with you on trying to do too much. I already lack some energy and yet here I am trying to fix multiple problems at once. It just feels like I'm some kind of drill sergeant constantly putting myself down for not being able to live up to my unrealistic expectations. It's some kind of backlash to the fact that I usually don't do enough. I struggle with the balance.

I personally struggle with regulating myself. I've found that taking away my ability to act upon my urges (by for example giving somebody the cable for my computer) is more effective in the short run, but not too effective in the long-run. What I'm going for is to reach a point where I can say "no" by my own inner strenght, which would be the solution that you are suggesting, but that will require more inner work.

13 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Don’t be a slave master to yourself trying to improve everything you dislike in an unforgiving and over-expectant fashion. What you want are results that last.

I love that bit! I guess I'm just trying to jump to the polar opposite of where I am right now, which would be just as unhealthy. Currently I am a slave to my urges and cravings, but I do realize that I can only change this one small step at a time, by staying mindful and learning to say "no" sometimes.

Thanks!

Edited by DefinitelyNotARobot

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