Road To Success & The Obstacles

[Striving for more]

I planned to not post again for 90 days but due to seemingly uncontrollable forces, I am stuck awake & unsettled so I posted, I guess braking my integrity a little. 

This evening I broke my 2 day streak : 

Watching a DIY Video to fix the bedroom lighting : ooh how feminine her energy is, look at those white teeth, the skin, how skinny & frail she looks, as soon as I saw her face & expressions it was over, I fapped within about 10 minutes, it was like a force & the voices took over. 

Tonight I endrudged in ancient pattern of inappropriate night time hyper curiosity, googling clairvoyance & psycho phenomena & reading posts about Jesus & his supernatural abilities, I became laser zoned in on my phone reading about this random shit that, normally I never think about.  

Then going into bed, over stimulated, I started thinking about witch energy & became unwittingly & visually retrospective & my mind pulled out unsettling past facts & experiences ... that I didn't want to be reminded of, that I had even repressed for years ...  my energy became tighter & this when I decided to fap, my energy was so unsettled that this fap was an instant reaction to all these unpleasant thoughts that I didn't want to entertain any more, so I just fapped to distract myself. 

So ... Now I am 2 faps down & struggling to sleep, I can't blame myself, this all feels like it happened through forces outside my control, but some lessons learnt. 

When at the early, horny & impulsive phase of the no fap streak, one must not look at any attractive feminine ladies even with innocent intentions (apparently DIY videos aint safe ; )

Once I'm past 7 or 10 days even though I'm way hornier (And also karmically luckier some reason) ... Counterintuively my self control to not masturbate is a lot higher ... It's easier to just continue not fapping after 10 days than to not fap a day after fapping.

I don't like how deep my subconscious mind went tonight, I might have to rethink the mushroom trip, I don't want to deal with trauma, just give me $ & hoes. 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I keep breaking my integrity with distracting thoughts. 

stay focused on the work (Or just on being in the present moment itself), thinking is a very abused & overrated tool, I should only think & speak less, that is a continuous pursuit. 

Every time I indulge in my overthinking addiction > I run outside naked on the fucking street & scream "BITCH". 

(Or maybe something still embarassing but less inciminating huhuh)

For the craftsman with only a hammer every object looks like a nail, but in reality only a nail is a nail, and thinking is mostly useless & cyclical.

We ironically spend so much time thinking in useless ways when we should be just doing or feeling or whatever, but then when it actually comes time to think & the "nail comes" the hammer is not there. Almost no one has the tools & that's why everyone's so mediocre. 

BUT NOT ME ANY MORE, MUWHAHAHAHUAHA HEHHEHE

The hammer is things like the premortem technique or targeted self reflection (post mortem).

XP Boost = Action (90%) 

XP Boost = *Deliberative purposeful conscious thinking (10%) 

XP Boost = Regular Dynamic balance between the 2 > Act act act > Reference XP / Data > Reflections/conclusions/ post moretm pre mortem. 

That's it, thinking must be in reaction to Or in anticipation of purposeful action. 

I've been holding this hunch that Watching netflix can be used for personal devleopment & spiritual growth, I think this is true. 

Life is all about Experiments. 

... Just started overthinking again. STOP AHHH ACTION NEVER THINK IT HURTS KEEP DOING SHIT KEEP DOIN SHIT & SLEEP + ACTION NO THOUGHTS NO SELF MOFO. ARHHH. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

On 30/03/2022 at 9:54 PM, Striving for more said:

... Just started overthinking again. STOP AHHH ACTION NEVER THINK IT HURTS KEEP DOING SHIT KEEP DOIN SHIT & SLEEP + ACTION NO THOUGHTS NO SELF MOFO. ARHHH. 

During these type of moments it's obvious that I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. 

I'm journalling when there's no reason to, no compulsion, whatever insight compelled me to write is already long gone in the distance & now I'm just writing & in these moments i need to let go of the thinking mind & go outside or something. 

It's 1st of April 2022 today. 

Today is a fresh start. 

I have some free time this morning. 

Life Architect day today because it's 1st day .... I must use the power of fresh start. 

• Decide goals 
• Pre - mortem for the month > List all every action I won't take that impedes success, brutally honestly  ... especially acknowledging the "Good" or "neutral" stuff when overdone or poor context/prioritization becomes toxic. 

Examples : 

• Watching motivation video > Getting the energetic boost > continuing to watch the video instead of doing what I should be doing, this is stupid af & why I try to avoid them unless needed. 
• Getting all pumped up & motivated at night instead of winding down >> using screens & stimulating activity >> leading to less sleep time & REM Sleep >> wake up later, slower & start the day off worse >> Can create domino cycle of failure 
• Not taking optimal dose of a substance > instead taking too much or too frequently : 
• E.G : I drink coffee & started taking L - tyrosine recently, these seem to benefit me very clearly & probably remove my ADHD by 30% 
• A.Huberman reccomends not relying on it & taking once per week & warns how there's a crash & a cost ... yet I am already taking it 3 days in a row >> I have not experienced a cost YET though 
• Coffee** (This is the most important for me to get right) >> I normally stick to 1 cup in the morning & then STOP. 
• But this morning I'm already on 2/3 coffees & that's WAYY too much ... I am too caffiene sensitive & don't want jitters insomnia or a vicious cycle of morning fatigue. 
• Doing the right stuff at the wrong time >> Doing creative work in the morning & doing focused work at night For example. I can't be perfect as I have certain commitments & work & chores, but aim to get my timing as good as I can. 
• Going to the supermarket at the wrong time >> During rush hour, during my most productive hours for study. Supermarket should be left to weekend evenings. In fact, maybe no supermarket & I should start ordering stuff, it's more rational but I have an aversion to bulk buying, I'm just stuck with this habit of "I'm out of food lets go get a bit, then again 3 days later & again ..." but this takes so much time man. I could've learnt french in the amount of time I've hit the supermarket.

Prioritization, Timing, Big Picture, Top Down  : 

• Laziness is often not my issue, it's working hard at the wrong thing, or giving too much weight to the small fish & forgetting the big fish, or doing the right things at the wrong time. 
• This is difficult art form, but don't focus on how I struggle, how can I develop this? 

... How can I master this ability? This multiplying meta ability?

Using Hours vs "days" > Calculate the hours > Pre program, Calendar Blocks 

• I intuit this will eliminate stress, the biggest source of stress for me has always been a lack of conscientiousness, worrying that I won't do all my tasks & or get my prioritees straight 
• This can simply be solved by calculating how much free hours I have > Then deciding what' I'll do in those hours, starting with the highes prioritees first, 
• Removes stress by showing that I do infact have tons of time, even after sleep, work & chores
• & If I feel overwhelmed ... More questions to ask 
• How can I create more time for what matters? (eliminate everything unnecessary firstly)
• Eliminate (Replace), Optimize or delegate 
• I'm not able to delegate yet, but Lots of optimization & replacements 
• 20 minutes of going supermarket + 20 minutes cooking? Nah that's 40 minutes of learning French or marketing, no cleaning cooking ect... 
• Only cook low maintenance meals once per weak if possible, when cooking listening to Audio learnings 
• Exercize for the right amount of time > Maxium of intense exercize for 20 minutes, DO NOT get too in to it, DO NOT exercize for an entire hour. 
• DO NOT exercize in afternoon or evening - so inneficient = having to shower multiple times ect.. 
• No more gym because the travel takes too much time, being on the bus makes me feel like a fucking loser & identity is very important, I gotta feel rich to become it. 

Recap >> CALCULATE THE HOURS (16 hours per day, 1H getting ready + chores = 15H per day, 1H cool down = 14+ Hours per day) > Then minus work 

I got enough time, just gotta be clear in my intentions. 

This journal becoming messy, time to hit pen & paper & calculate my hours, get everything clear in my head. 

This month is gonna be fucking awesome dude. I don't want to journal again on here this month, I don't even have time. 

I will come back in 30 days, a different man. A KING.  

 

Edited April 1, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

THE 80/20 RULE APPLIES TO THIS FORUM TOO!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH. 

NOW I GET IT !!!!!!! 

[Striving for more]

So I have just fallen for the same trap ... AGAIN. 

Social Matrix yesterday : Mum orders chicken kebab at 9PM & I eat it, it was massive & defo reduced some REM sleep there. 

Social Matrix this evening: 

I was reading an all time classic book on marketing & sales, zoned in, focused, re reading every word carefully, engaged. I was also ready to meditate & visualize & feel in to my body. 

But Mum says there's soup downstairs, I haven't spoken to her much recently so the force of social matrix pulls me into kitchen like gravity & the mind rationalises that soup is healthy (even though I have already eaten & would rather fast). 

Inmediately I see the cake like pudding & my mind b.s's myself that it's fine I'll just have some soup & won't touch it. 

Stick or Twist : Should I go str8 to my room & not come back down or do I sit down for a little bit (even though I don't want to & I'm kinda busy) 

Social matrix power strangles my neck & forces me to sit on the chair, then I am sitting there, I see the pudding in front of me, I then decide to just "have a little " & then eventually I have 1 or 2 whole slices, I didn't gorge myself ... but I eat enough to do some damage.  

I go back to reading but ... It just doesn't feel the same, my brain is just numbed. Eating floury food is just so not worth it, and I already know this, WTF. 

I know the simplest solution is to move out yet again, but I wanted to be here just a couple weeks to bootstrap myself, I have little money recently ... But I mean fuck like how many times is this happening to me, it's so fucking consistent & I always feel so powerless, I've tried being blunt & I've literraly told her to never offer me food again., but she just forgets. 

I'm not blaming her, I just don't know how I get the awareness to always say no, it gives me some more reassurance to be able lay out the stepxstep process of the action though, like I normally remember it as "THE RELAPSE" as if it's one explosive moment, but actually it's a sneaky process of incremental micro decisions, rationalizations & b.s your mind does.

I should cut out the source of the chain, if mum says "there's some cake" or even "there's some (healthy x) food", that means that there's probably some not so healthy food too. Therefore just NEVER LEAVE UR ROOM, perhaps even intentionally take a long walk if she does that, because it's normally weekends on the evening. Gotta have a dramatic boundary INMEDIATELY AT THE SOURCE, as soons as I take one small step towards the temptation, the game is lost. 

Recently & really ever since Jan 2022 I have been feeling sort of sick to the stomach every time I write these journals, I know I keep engaging in cyclical thought patterns, I keep having the same problems over & over simultaneoulsy I always compare myself to others, I can't lose no more. 

No actually, "I can't lose no more" > becomes "I am going to always win now". 

"I am going to win no matter what". 

It can't just be about the money, but I need the money to live the lifestyle I need, I need a life of adventure, I need a social existence, I need freedom, I need connection, but most importantly I need passion. 

And I need passion to both come via my work and to come via my lifestyle, friends, location, nature ect..

This ability to feel passion is intamitely tied to where I live, or where I am if I am travelling. 

I am far away from a job of passion but, thinking about all these things can bring tears to my eyes. 

The thought of living a socially successful existence also can bring tears to my eyes. 

I have fucked up so many times & ended up very alone & miserable, a bad pattern. 

But I must focus on what I want, although I want many things. 

I have to get the money first though, I have to focus mostly on that, maybe I have too much passion, difused lightbulb. 

Well the solution is to get passionate about the money (even though this if false), but I'm passionate about the freedom & lifestyle & everything else that can come after, even the ability to live a career with purpose is possible if I got enough money 

yeah, overthinking now. 

Go get the fucking money, I think I need stage red right now, I need stern masculine energy. 

I shouldn't have eaten that bad food. 

I should be meditating & visualizing right now, here I am again thinking cyclically again. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I am going to delete this journal. And this account

Too much sloppiness. 

I see other journals & it's clear concize bullet lists & mine is that of a raging lunatic. 

This alone makes me sick. Where is the coherency in my journals. Too much. wtf. 

I don't even re read a lot of what I written & it's just ranting & venting. 

This account is done. The mediocrity of this journal is too painful. 

I manage to turn every good thing sour & toxic. 

This is it. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Striving for more