Stuck, bit of a rant and feeling lost, i know i just have to walk it

[Eldra]

Hello, i think this me just typing and contemplating this out will help, but feedback is always such a blessing too
i already do a lot of writing and it's helped a lot, but i feel like it's to the point now where i need to bite some sort of bullet

i don't know how awake i am, but i know that some years ago i was sitting in my room, and suddenly i realized that i was, it just never quite occurred to me that i was not my body, but somehow inside of my head, it was a strange thing. 
i don't know how awake i am, but i know that i'm the amount of awake that i am. i know that it's not a conceptual thing, awareness is more like the fabric of reality itself, more baseline

but i'm stuck, something is wrong with me. not because i think so, or probably because i think so
i know meditation would help me think a lot of this through, sorting myself out, it's key like that
but it just gets really lonely, but that's part of life, we're all just one, if i had someone else with me through this it would probably not quite work, like having 2 persons in one body.. anyways..
i just have a lot on my mind, i get so anxious and upset, life gets hard, like basic things becomes not important when they should be key. 

i know meditation would help, it would help me relax, i really don't need more sorting things out, besides when relaxed there's almost no need to sort anything out, then we just do what needs to be done cause why not
I'm scared of myself, anxious, stuck, i don't want to let go, i hold on so tightly, i get lost in low self esteem and the spiral of degrade
having support from friends is always nice, they're all online friends. i couldn't manage real life friends, i'd have to be more confident in myself for that, which i have been but it seemed to have regressed

i did psychedelics for a while, they were so kind and cool, but they can only show, they can't fix, they've given me what i could be, it's up to me to work towards it or not, Real life was the trip all along, just turned out to be a bad one for me to turn around

but i feel stuck, i just need to ease up, and this is my pile of excuses, excuses and muse
i've already figured it out, but yet it's not an easy thing to do
at turtle speed i go, not sure if ascending or descending my trajectory

i bring myself down a lot though, never good enough, it's just never going to work, i curse myself for no reason, i often feel one step away from something good and then i tend to just stop or get depressed, it's hard to deal with cause to me i'm okay, but to others i'm a bummer, i'm pretty much a hermit.
But this is just depression again, i'm a bit lost in that, meditation could help. but i think i'm scared of it, it feels like walking in to a clean home with dirty shoes on

i move so slowly, i make myself the slowest thing, often just full stop, and friends will ask me to join them online, but i'm barely moved from the last time they asked
it's just the muse i tell myself, and it is a bit annoying. it's really backwards, it's all just not true, it's literally not how it is. Simply because it has to be. 
i didn't intend for this to be so dramatic, it's all just thoughts and annoyance, i'm just sick of it, it has to just turn inside out

i just feel like there isn't anything to talk about, there is nowhere to go besides inwards, calmly and softly, when i was on 4.5 grams of mushrooms i said to myself:
"Either every single person in this world is coming with me through this, or they can fuck off big time"
it was a confidence thing, i need to move on, i need to just walk, those who stay around are where i am, treated as gold, those who don't they've parted ways. I just worry about people, the best thing is to just walk away and see who follows like that

anyways, these are just thoughts, they're not the muse i want, it should be, not the muse i have. 
Thanks for reading, i make art if you're interested, it's Eldratoast on instagram, but i got a whole book about that too which i don't wanna get into
For now my focus really needs to be on myself, for a long long time, but it's such a hard balance for me, but i'm hoping with time, i don't quite know a solution, cause there isn't one, the solution is to just be and realize that it's just a story, i guess that's how one wakes up

also i'm sorry for the messy formatting and the very broad topic, i do hope someone could clear up this battle i have with myself, but it has to be me i think

- Eldra

[RobertZ]

An image of some words from your post. 

 

Edited January 4, 2021 by RobertZ

[Eldra]

Thanks @RobertZ