Gesundheit

Something casual

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I wanted to make a journal where I can be more down-to-earth and post my general thoughts unfiltered. The other journal is great, and I'll continue working on updating it with more amazing insights, but I think I need another one as an outlet. To me, journaling is similar to breathing. This journal is for casual breathing, and the other one is for yoga-like breathing.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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LMFAO! ????


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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It's like we're covered with spider webs over here. I just don't get it. This environment is not original, nor genuine, nor creative, nor conservative, and nor progressive. It's a dying man smoking cigarettes, and a dead woman wearing make-up. Brains like stones, and beating hearts with no souls. A disease-generating disease. So lame, yet with genius levels of evil. So low in quality, yet still existing and persisting. No will and no power. No fuel and no fire.

That's what happens when you spend more than 15 minutes on Facebook. You realize how fucked up everyone around you is.

Where's it heading towards?

 

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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I've not experienced sleep paralysis in years. I'm not sure what's happening. I just experienced two new forms of it consecutively. The first was accompanied by the sound of my father as if he had come to wake me up. I was sleeping on my left side so he shaked me from my right arm. And then I felt that he was pulling me out of bed. There were two forces this time. The force pulling me out of bed, and the force pulling me in. Then I realized it was just sleep paralysis. The second was minutes after that one. And it was the weirdest thing. A pigeon hovering/fluttering over me and closing in onto my head. This time I was laying on my back.

It's the first time such things happen. I will consider that a release and a sign of the progress I'm making.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Weird dream last night. I don't remember it sharply cuz I slept right after that dream and I lost many details. Before I went to bed, I was thinking why do I not think too often about my past ex? And I wondered why have I not ever seen dreams about her? I didn't give either questions much thought. Just a minute or two, and then I forgot. Anyway, last night, she appears in my dreams probably for the first time (maybe I've forgotten other times). But things got really weird with her. For some reason, I was working at a pharmacy (she's currently studying pharmacy). So, I was there, and I heard that she is coming. I was like umm okay (kind of in disbelief). Few minutes later, she arrives with 2-3 of her friends; 1 sister, 1-2 friends (she actually has 1 sister), all of which, including her, looked and acted like 5 year olds. I look at her, and she reminds me of Emily Willis (pornstar). But then she starts talking, and I notice one of her front teeth is missing. At first, I thought she didn't recognize me cuz she didn't say anything. Then somehow, she started talking about us. And the craziest thing was that she was faking everything up to this point because of some stupid mistake she claimed I made. She said she was trying to get a message through so that I don't repeat that mistake again. I was like seriously? What the hell is wrong with you? I let her finish, and then I ask her some questions to see if she's oriented or just nuts. I asked her which city she was from. She seemed confused and did not answer well. There's more to the dream but I don't remember.

Yeah, also, but probably in another dream, and also for the first time, I did realize that I was dreaming. The realization was extremely vivid, but it didn't change anything, or much of anything. Too bad I can't recall the details cuz I was sure some of them have certain parts that I am looking for to the puzzle of reality. EDIT: The insight is about love! When I realized that I was dreaming, I said very nice to a stranger.

Why are these weird things happening now?

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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The one thing in common that all bad people have is this:

They are unwilling to sit alone in a room and contemplate their own mind, instead they think the world is wrong and try to fix it.

The one thing all the good people have in common is this:

They sit alone in a room and contemplate their own mind until they realize that everything they thought was bad or wrong in the world was actually just the delusions of their own mind.

Bad is not in the world. Bad is your own mind because you are selfish.

It's so simple, But you refuse to hear it because you want some external evil to fight. But all you're ever fighting is yourself.

I have realized that recently and wanted to post it here but forgot. Thanks Leo.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Nostalgia & Gratitude.

And tears of love.

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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INTROVERSION IS A LIE!

I lived my whole life (at least from an early age, 7-8 years old probably) believing that I am an introvert, without realizing how damaging that belief can be. Earlier this day, I went out and met FOUR new people. TWO of them asked for my number. And then I went with my two best friends and had lunch together. It was a great day. I feel incredible.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Awareness is not a joke. I may have gone too far beyond human, maybe below idk, but I'm sure that I am not a human, as of now. Now I struggle so much to think a thought or feel an emotion. Even to write such a simple thing takes too much effort. God! I'm a fool. I have wrecked my mind. But I need to study.

The good news, though, is that it's not an irreversible equation. I can think and feel again. I have been in and out of this state many times, and I know how it works. In order to move out of a no-mind state, it requires initiation. A sacrifice.

One thought. Just one. That's all it takes.

Then again, the problem is that it's always been a snowball effect. Once the ball starts rolling, it keeps growing. Regardless of the nature of the ball, be it thoughts or emotions or awareness.

The wolf you feed the most will win.

Good, now the ball started rolling again.

Life is easy, but mastering it is not. But what is mastery? Hmmm, not slavery? What's wrong with slavery? Nothing. It's just the social construct illusion. Fear. Without that fear, I would probably have dropped out of school even before the start. I don't like studying theory. I like doing things in the world. I like practice. Practice is much easier than theory. Even physical pain is much easier than psychological suffering. 

There's a place in this world for you, whoever you are and whatever you may be. Still, it takes work to manipulate that place. That's what makes people think that life is hard when it isn't hard at all.

Life is designed in a way that increases the strengths of the strong, and the weaknesses of the vulnerable.

Fucking ADHD won't let me have a productive session. I can sit still in meditation for hours easily, but I can't focus my attention on a fucking piece of paper with some ink on it. I studied for one hour, which wasn't very productive, but I can already feel my brain actually literally cooked up, like there's a spark of fire up there. No wonder why the mind and ego are interchangeable terms. My mind, at least currently, is too dense to be able to comprehend so much information in a short time. I guess it takes time to warm up, and it gets better with consistency, like a muscle. I lack mental stamina, probably for genetic reasons. My mind is not energy efficient. Now, I feel hungry. I want to scream and punch someone. And I want to bite.

I've never been able to study well ever since I got into college. During the second year, I had tried to brute force studying. I was very neurotic, and that increased the intensity even more. At that point, I could not maintain it any longer. I could not touch a book until the next year. I barely passed the third year. And with the fourth year, I attempted to brute force things again, but at that point it was too much to maintain. My mind stopped working, just like Windows PC. Lol what a digression! I was supposed to be studying now, but instead I'm journaling this in my notes to post it later when I get back home on the actualized.org forum. But I won't study anymore cuz I have reached my limit for the day.

This place is nice, though. The university has opened a new hall for students to study in, for free. I like it here, it's warmer than home and has comfortable chairs and tables and everything. I think it'll help me correct my bad posture too. I have conditions, both external and internal, that make studying nearly impossible, and on top of that, my body is over-sensitive to cold. I will make sure to come here everyday and study. My first exam is on 31st this month. The remaining five, I haven't looked yet.

Mood right now.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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A belief is something that you think, but don't think about.

Ha! See! It's completely possible to have accurate insights at the personal level which are communicable and easily understood, as best as language can do. Moreover, depending on the recipient, the insight can have different levels of depth.

It's never gonna be the same.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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God has sex with his angels.

Yes, that's it. All sexuality explained.

Women have this fantasy of one godly man, and men have the fantasy of many angelic women.

When, in fact, all of them are just a bunch of deluded devils.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Humans are not very different from chimpanzees. I should not help anyone for free anymore.

 

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Yep. It is getting easier, as expected. Yesterday, and the day before (Saturday & Friday), the hall was closed. Today I went and studied for 3 and a half hours, with one long pause for about 15 minutes, and minor other pauses spread over the session which probably equal to 30 minutes in total. I've noticed much less resistance this time, although still there. I've got distracted many times with thoughts about my most recent posts here on the forum. I think I have developed a forum ego, which is co-operating with the addiction against me. Somehow, it's become a part of me. Anyway, I was thinking about the quality of my posts (I mean the ones I put some serious thought into) and I think it's become quite good. I felt proud of myself for that, and I hoped when I will get back home, I will find more than one notification from different users finding my posts useful. I came back home and got surprised with only one notification from a thread that I'm following. No thanks, and no appreciation. I checked out the thread that I thought I excelled at, here:

I read Leo's comment, and he more or less said exactly what I said there (I honestly think that I articulated it better). But the @#&* deluded and biased OP did not find my views insightful. He found what Leo said deeply profound even though he didn't really add anything to what I said. I feel disappointed. Everytime I waste my precious time trying to give wisdom to people who don't deserve, and who are clearly & hopelessly deluded. I don't think I'm feeling jealous, just dismissed & underappreciated for the sake of someone who has higher status than I do. Ass kissing, and chimp worshipping. People really don't have minds of their own. They're just bots. This really disgusted me and made me feel like I should never ever try to help anyone ever again unless I am 100% certain that they deserve it. And it definitely made me want to embrace my psychopathic tendencies, by hiding my agendas and using evil tactics on others for my own ends, instead of exposing these tactics to others. People don't realize how they create evil with their stupid behaviors. I will create my own conscious evil, and I will hurt others and not care. There will be no mercy. I will not help anyone on this forum anymore except in DM if they want to, and if I find them worthy. From now on, I will be using this forum exclusively for journaling, and for gaining wisdom from this most deluded community. If I see someone dying, I will not give them my hand. I will give them my finger.

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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For fuck's sake! This is the last thing I need right now. The new age hippy propaganda is taking over the country, which is already a dead country. Ugh. Disgusting. I should cut down on my Facebook usage too. Lots of idiots there dogmatically parroting concepts such as reincarnation, Karma, God, etc... and mindlessly half-seriously asking existential questions. Lord! Why are you doing this to me? Who the fuck gave them technology?! It's like ego & delusion on steroids. Human rights and free speech are the biggest mistake in the human history. Most people don't deserve shit. Most people are just malware and should be used, repressed, and oppressed by dictators and psychopaths like me.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Why do I even journal online? That's as silly as ego can be. I don't have a stable internet connection, and yet I'm here sharing some of my most private thoughts with others. It's just a desire to be seen and heard that I don't really want or even need. This is going to be my last post here (except for the other journal, which will only contain updates regarding my progress). From now on, this forum is only for asking questions, and for reading in leisure time.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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I wasn't really sure where to post this. I decided earlier that I will only use online journals for serious work, and I want to stick to that decision and still be committed. But also, there are a few related thoughts that I have, that don't belong within the serious, nor the casual. So I won't post unnecessary comments on the serious journals, even though they're still relevant to the work I'm doing.

So, anyway, I woke up early yesterday, around 5 AM, opened the forum, posted a comment and read some stuff. Then at around 6 I went out to buy bread, I went on foot and practiced walking meditation, with music & headphones on. I returned home at around 7:45, put the bread, and then went out again. At a certain point, I accessed a flow state. Insights started pouring in, even though some of them seemed delusional. Still, I wasn't able to break out of the mind at the time. So I kept walking. There's this new spot that I resonate with, and it's happened twice. So, I'm in a flow state, my body is warm even though it's cold outside (below 0 °C), and I'm hitting a peak point in terms of energy, my body is flowing with energy. I arrive at the perfect time. I stop and sit down on something like a bench, which is my new spot. Then I pull out my phone and run the Wim Hof guided breathing video. I have done this breathing for 4 or 5 times now. But I haven't yet experienced the same results twice. Each time has been different. And sometimes more difficult than others. This last time, it was almost like shamanic breathing, but more intense. I wanted to quit after the second round, but I pulled through the rest, regardless. And man, it was something else. During the breath hold after inhalation, the blood/energy would move to the head/throat, 3rd eye, and crown chakras. At a certain point, my scalp felt activated and I started seeing lights, even though my eyes were closed. I wasn't at my best baseline awareness state, due to being sucked into the mind, so I don't think I've got the full potential of what was there. But still, it is known in brain science that the external layer of the brain (grey matter) is responsible for voluntary actions, so probably the reason why I had such an experience is because I intended earlier to increase my willpower, although I let go of all my intentions before I practice, in order to gain maximum benefit. So far, I'm noticing that the Wim Hof Method, or really any spiritual practice for this matter gives me exactly what I need at the time. And if I'm well aligned with my authentic self, I will gain maximum benefit. So, back to the breathing session, my head was buzzing like crazy, and it felt awesome. It almost felt like Alex Grey's paintings at some point when the energy went up. I'm guessing that's what the psychedelic experience would feel like at mild doses, but I don't know. But again, I wasn't at my best, awareness-wise, so I was distracted and might have missed a lot. I thought I was going to faint, and I wanted to stop, but then I remembered that I need to have faith and go on, so I did. The 3rd round didn't give me similar experiences even though it was the toughest to complete. Perhaps because I've changed my position between each round. Position seems important, as it controls the blood pressure and how it's distributed throughout the body. For example, if I'm sitting with my legs close to the belly, there will be higher blood pressure in head and lower in the belly, because of the high air pressure in the belly, which will help the energy move up. Before I had that head buzzing experience, I was sitting in a lotus position with a bad/curved back posture. Then I heard Wim saying relax and allow the body to do what it needs to do, my back spontaneously got erected and the energy started flowing and I experienced the lights. The session ended, and I stood up and walked away. But my voice was missing lol. I guessed it's cause of the cold air, so didn't give it much thought. Shortly after that, I got it back. And it was enhanced. It was louder and deeper. And that went on for the rest of the day, until I ejaculated later at night.

That's how much I can remember and talk effortlessly when I'm not at my best baseline awareness. When I'm too aware, it's hard to form thoughts and memories, even though they still feel vivid in retrospect, regardless. But the ability to articulate them weakens. Thought allows better articulation, but it takes away from the experience, insights, and healing. Or at least, that's how it seems. It seems when people write extensively long trip reports that their baseline awareness is too low and they get distracted by the external events instead of having the full juice of the experiences by just being/experiencing them. Really, it doesn't feel as transformative.

Until later.

Cheers.

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Tomorrow is the last exam for this semester. I did terribly so far, passing one test out of four. Yeah, but actually I don't really care. I'm only still studying cuz of my parents. My identity is tied to them, so I'm compromising my authentic self for them. If I was completely authentic, I would simply join the army or become a crazy person that works almost anything at all except something that requires an intellectual effort. I didn't really choose the path of academia. I never even once found intellectual work exciting or even interesting. The only reason I studied and was good at it was because I was really afraid of my parents' judgement and disappointment in me. That fear motivated me for 12 years, in which I felt extremely terrible everytime I studied or did an exam. It was such a struggle for me. I had suffered for 12 fucking years for them. Let alone the existential crisis I'd gone through shortly after that. And up until now, all of my problems always stemmed from that BS, especially my addictions, cuz in fact they're nothing but some fucking coping mechanisms for the type of lifestyle I currently have. When I started university, my authentic self began to come into light. I started discovering my true self slowly. I had to burn my old fake identity, and suffer too much for it, but now I know exactly who I am and what I want. Studying is just not my thing. And to become a doctor... LMAO! I'm the opposite of that. I don't really care about the well-being of others human devils. Most humans I would rather see dead or in pain than to help them heal or live longer. The army is a good place for me. Not because I'm physically strong, I'm not. But I can easily be. My current lifestyle is not designed to make my body strong. I seriously just want to drop everything and join the army. It is the most healthiest way of living life. I have all of life figured out. There's nothing more for me to learn or understand. Cuz there's actually no such thing as learning or understanding. I've lost my mind, and I don't want it back. I don't want to think a single serious thought anymore. Let people do the thinking, and I'll do the doing. I'm just waiting for my parents to die or to be okay with me dying. I really don't mind dying for myself. I only mind if they suffer from my death. My mom has always been overprotective to the point where it's suffocating. She's extremely fearful. When I was a kid, if I disappeared for a few hours, she would become paranoid and think that I was kidnapped, she thought everyone envied her for having me, and many other stupid things that she feared for. She would call and gather everyone to search for me. I don't resonate with all that BS. But for her sake, I'm sharing some of her fears, just to keep her suffering to a minimum, even though I'm quite sure she'll always be suffering regardless of anything. She's just the kind of person that's never content. None of what I'm saying here is because I hate her per se. I don't really "hate" anyone. I don't spend my energy on hating, and she's my mom after all, but I honestly prefer her dead right now. If she's dead, my dad won't probably care about me as much. He's a lazy jackass, like me. He doesn't give two flying fucks for almost anything, except his own BS, which I don't resonate with, either. Both of them buy into the BS of status and hierarchy, but my dad less. They think that money and status are the best things in life. That's why they pushed me into school and college and all that BS in the first place. Doctors make good money and have high status. But what my stupid parents don't really understand is that they're completely delusional and disconnected from reality. I don't hate money, actually quite the opposite. I would do things they wouldn't for money. For example, I once worked in newspapers delivery and never really cared. But for them it was a big deal. How could I do such a thing?! Well, if you're poor, there's no wrong job. I only worked there because they weren't able to provide. The ego they're maintaining won't solve poverty. The circumstances in my country are hard to describe, so I won't go into that. But the bottom-line is that my parents are so delusional and out of touch with reality, and they want me to be like them, a robot. The best route for survival in this country is the army. You can actually thrive in there, even though the economy is collapsing more and more everyday. But my parents will do anything to avoid the army, cuz they're afraid of death. Well, how can you ever live if you fear death? You won't! You will only live a half-life, worrying all the time and limiting yourself and all that BS. So the army for me is route #1. Route #2 is moving out of the country at all costs, even if it means becoming fucking homeless, which I personally don't believe will ever be the case as long as you're willing to put in the effort to make it work. I would work in marine corps and travel the world if it's possible. I would work at a Mac-fucking-Donald's. I would mop the floor or do whatever shit. I don't care how much money I would be making. See, money is never the point. Living this fucking life, is. My parents don't see that. They only think about the future and never live life. Well, enjoy your hell. I'll be out soon. I will graduate from college and join the army asap. The degree will give me a rank advantage as in immediately being promoted to a moderate rank. So I will actually benefit from it. Otherwise, I don't have any interest in the degree.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Five months ago, in the city named Tortoise, I've made a pact with myself, right in the middle of a solo retreat; I vowed: "I shall not love another human ever again". And ever since, my eyes never shed a tear, except for my own misery.

Out of my heart and into the heart of land, I witnessed the burial of love. I was alone, and I needed someone or something to witness my vows and complete the spell; Blue Moon.

I left love there, and came back home. I never felt that which I left ever since.

I know I will have to break the spell eventually. When the time is right, I will go back there, and dig it out.

"In the crossfire, there's a story..

And how it ends, I do not know..

Don't let it go.."

But I will let it go, I need to.

"There's one road to the morning..

There's one road to the truth..

There's one road back to civilization..

But there's no road back to you.."

And now, it's still & serene.

And now, I am free.

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Economy is collapsing. Nearly 4000 local currency per 1 USD.

On the other hand, I may be able to get a job that pays in USD in the next few days.

I don't care either way, cuz I'm in total indifference. When you die, nothing matters anymore. I could work all day, or not work at all, or anything in between. It makes no difference. It's only one life, and only one death. And I've already achieved both.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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