I believe that my chances of ever having a happy life have become slim

[Hardkill]

Guys, it's been a long time since I last wrote in this section of this Forum site. Currently, while my situation has been better with school and certain areas of my life, I have honestly become so worried and have also felt hopeless about my future. I've already been working with occupational therapists recently to help me gain my functional independence, which has helped me to some extent. However, I am still relying a lot on my parents help on initiating work and I am still getting a noticeable amount of support and involvement from my mom with my schoolwork, even at the age of 32 (I'll be 33 in a week and a half). Also, I've had a lot of mental health counseling from my psychiatrist, psychologists, and social workers for most of my life and I still don't think that they haven't been enough to help me become a psychologically normal and functioning individual.

Also, I still perseverate constantly on things like the 2020 election which was supposed to be over a long time ago, despite the fact that Trump so easily compels people like myself that it's still not over. I am also really concerned about the Georgia senate runoffs because I fear that if the Dems don't get both Warnock and Ossoff to win on January 5th, 2021, then Biden will not be able to do anything or get anything done to ANY significant degree. It will be as if he will just be a useless guardian type of president who may very well end up having to take the blame of letting down SO MANY Americans throughout the whole country. If that happens then GOP could very likely regain full control of the entire government again by 2024. Also, Trump is even seriously considering launching his 2024 presidential campaign right after or on the day that both Biden and Harris get inaugurated into office (if he ultimately does not succeed in overturning the 2020 election results). God help us if this happens, because if it does then Trump will be back with a wrath and vengeance that we have never ever seen before in any political leader or tyrant since the beginning of US history. Not to mention that he would in such a scenario very likely have even a greater hold of over the 2024 then he did before. Both him and the republican Congress would end up destroying my country again! What a nightmare this would be!

Additionally, watch this: 

I absolutely believe that I am one of these individuals they are talking about and I really think this seems like terrible news for me. The economy in our country is bad overall and even back before both the short-term and long-term health of the economy suffered tremendously because of the COVID pandemic, getting even a basic paying job was so hard for even someone like myself who is not only at a great university in grad school, but also graduated college from a top university. Also, without trying to toot my own horn, I am a very decent looking and physically fit person with an overall good personality and have substantially improve my speaking confidence and skills a lot since I first became an official member of my Toastmasters club several months ago. I also have made significant  extracurricular accomplishments in my life. Yet, I still don't think that any of these positive things I have going for me will even be close to being enough even to get let alone maintain a profession or job of some kind that will pay me well. It's like no matter what field you want to go into these days, they all are getting to be incredibly difficult for ANYONE to get. It's crazy and beyond sad.

Lastly, I've come to realize that if most of the top 1% of people out there in the world such as celebrities, richest people in the world, most successful in the world, etc. are not happy at all Leo like even mentioned a number of times before, then what chance is there for someone like me to ever have true happiness in my life? Sure, I could become a Yogi or a Monk for the rest of life, but I have no interest in becoming any of those kinds of people and I sincerely don't think I have it in my heart or what it would truly take to really live any of those kinds of lifestyles.

So, yeah, I think I probably am fucked. Am I wrong?

Edited December 27, 2020 by Hardkill

[Jamie Universe]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

So, yeah, I think I probably am fucked. Am I wrong?

I honestly think you are, and what I'm about to say is hypocritical because I could relate to many of the things you just said. First of all maybe take a second to re-read what you wrote, this is what you believe and these beliefs are limiting you. The first thing I would say is limiting you is the common message that major news networks give - that the world will end if the political enemy wins. And while I personally feel like its very bad if Trump wins I think its important to create a more realistic worldview. Not that I know the ins and outs of your worldview but whatever your currently believing it seems to be stressing you out a lot more than needed. Again I am being hypocritical because I to can't help but feel like the world is ending. 

But honestly I get that feeling where you begin to see yourself as the person with no direction in their life and your scared about the future because you could lose it. But when I do manage to stay sane its when I truthfully convince myself that my future and situation for one isn't hopeless no matter how pathetic it might seem at the moment. You may find it useful to read books about self-esteem and I think Leo has a video on laziness which might apply to your situation.

Watching the video above made me cry because I am to also one of those individuals, and while this pandemic can be frustrating I think its also important to remember that the only person you have a problem with right now is yourself, that's where you start to fix the problem and that's where you end it. Trump or the senate winning or losing won't make any difference in your emotional health if you can't see past your own fears and conquer them. Maybe for getting work you need to take baby-steps, try emailing someone or filling out a job application. Or maybe there's a specific reason that you aren't looking for jobs, maybe your afraid of commitment, rejection, or the possibility of living your life in this job. Or maybe you need to adjust your worldview, is it really that bad to be where you are now? It might help to take stock of what you do have, I'm personally starting to realize with this pandemic that the things I once valued are no nearly as valuable as the things I already have, like my family, health, etc. I know 'being grateful' seems like a cliché and bad technique, but that could be because you haven't done it consistently enough. 

Also maybe you should think about practical solutions to your problem. You seem to have had a lot of mental health counseling and with seemingly not great results. While I've never been to therapy I always assume that they would be helping me with my process - compared to just giving me a silver bullet.  Maybe consider writing down your thoughts and just think through it, sometimes this helps or hurts, also sometimes its nice to just rant about your problems and helps deal with it in the process. Another thing which might help is to learn about psychology on your own if you can, I recently took an introduction to psychology class and it was very interesting and provided more insight into my life. 

[PepperBlossoms]

18 minutes ago, Jamie Universe said:

Maybe consider writing down your thoughts and just think through it, sometimes this helps or hurts, also sometimes its nice to just rant about your problems and helps deal with it in the process. Another thing which might help is to learn about psychology on your own if you can, I recently took an introduction to psychology class and it was very interesting and provided more insight into my life. 

@Jamie Universe Great suggestions!

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

 haven't been enough to help me become a psychologically normal and functioning individual.

@Hardkill Everyone is different and so what is weird to one person may be awesome to another.  Having unique perspectives and skills can be really appreciated and valued. 

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I am a very decent looking and physically fit person with an overall good personality and have substantially improve my speaking confidence and skills a lot since I first became an official member of the Toastmasters club several months ago. I also have made significant  extracurricular accomplishments in my life.

This is great!!

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Lastly, I've come to realize that if most of the top 1% of people out there in the world such as celebrities, richest people in the world, most successful in the world, etc. are not happy at all Leo like even mentioned a number of times before, then what chance is there for someone like me to ever have true happiness in my life?

For top 1%, consider what metrics this is?  Money in the bank, lives saved, inventions invented, cures developed, ego and spiral dynamics development level, number of friends, number of epiphanies, number of businesses owned, number of days lived, number of paintings painted, number of youtube followers, number of people helped?  I am biased here but I find that the more developed I can get myself (up the spiral dynamics and ego stages), the more gratitude I have and find joy in things that my previous less developed self could find.  Attitude can make a huge difference on happiness too.  There can be inspiration and golden nuggets all over the place if one tries to look for it.

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Yet, I still don't think that any of these positive I have going for me will even be close to being enough even get let alone maintain a profession or job of some kind that will pay me well. It's like no matter what field you want to go into they are all getting incredibly difficult for ANYONE to get. It's crazy and beyond sad.

The job market comes and goes.  Sometimes it is great and sometimes it is horrible.  However, humans have needs and needs need to be met regardless of the job market.  Even if something is not your dream job, you can still use it to learn skills and work on yourself. 

3 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Also, I still perseverate constantly on things like the 2020 election...... the republican Congress will end up destroying my country again! What a nightmare this would be!

You could consider that the government is going to be functioning well or that the government is going to be functioning horribly - I may if I was in your situation put that "in a cube" and "move the cube out of the way" for now and focus on other things more about myself.

3 hours ago, Hardkill said:

while my situation has been better with school and certain areas of my life, I have honestly become so worried and have also felt hopeless about my future. I've already been working with occupational therapists recently to help me gain my functional independence, which has helped me to some extent. However, I am still relying a lot on my parents help on initiating work and I am still getting a noticeable amount of support and involvement from my mom with my schoolwork, even at the age of 32 (I'll be 33 in a week and a half). Also, I've had a lot of mental health counseling from my psychiatrist, psychologists, and social workers for most of my life and I still don't think that they haven't been enough to help me become a psychologically normal and functioning individual.

That's nice to get help from others.  I suggest you try to work through some things on your own and come up with ways of figuring things out for yourself.  What advice really helped me was to open up Microsoft Paint, draw an image of myself in the middle, and then on the left write down all of my questions and problems and on the right write down all of my solutions and ideas.  This got me able to figure out for myself the best course of action.  I filled that Microsoft Word page full to the rim with thoughts and what ifs for various paths I could go down.  Things like that of coming up with personal ways of how to think through things will be really helpful in the long run.  The crazy thing is is that one could pick any path as there isn't really a perfect path to go down - all could lead to new adventures and experiences - I just had to pick one and try it out.

Life is really short - the impermanence of life tends to allow for appreciation of what we have that hasn't already left us.  Ask yourself, what would you like to do with the time that you have left?

[PepperBlossoms]

3 hours ago, Hardkill said:

felt hopeless about my future.

So, yeah, I think I probably am fucked. Am I wrong?

@Hardkill Hmm one thing that you may want to focus on is where this feeling of hopelessness is coming from.  Why do you feel that way?  How long have you felt that way?  What is keeping you from moving on and not feeling hopeless?  What are options to get out of the feeling?  What does hopeless feel like?  What does it pertain to?  What does it look like, taste like, smell like?  How heavy is it?  What color is it?

What about the present?  Does the present moment feel hopeless or just the future?  How far off into the future are we talking?  If one can technically never escape the present, how will that future arrive?

Do I appreciate the feeling of hopelessness, hate it, miss it, want it, prolong it, reject it, resist it, keep bringing it back, rely on it, use it to my advantage, use it as an excuse?

Am I creating the hopelessness?  Where does the hopelessness exist?  Is it in an object, in a body part, in my mind?  

What have I set for my definition of when I will be considered fucked and when I will be considered successful?  What is my criteria for that?  Is to be fucked based on what?  When will I say that I am truly fucked and does it matter if I am and matter to what/whom?

Am I wrong or am I right?  How will I know the difference from one to another?  Do I have any criteria set to differentiate them, do I require others to tell me which is so, do I go with "intuition", do I go with what "society" says, or what my parents say?  How do I know what to trust for the truth and what is imagined, how am I tricking myself, how can I know when someone is trustworthy and when they are not?

How does hopelessness feel about itself?  What perspective and values does hopeless have?  If hopeless talked to you, what would it say and sound like?  Would hopeless personify hopeless or would it act like something else?  Would hopeless look like a human, a flower?  What kind of book would hopeless write about?  Would hopeless be a fun friend?

Lots of questions to ask!  Ask more questions and you may find more questions to ask!

Edited December 27, 2020 by PepperBlossoms

[Arcangelo]

Hey I hope you get well soon.

You got me thinking... If Trump campaigns for the next 4 years and is elected, the circus will last 12 years, not 8 like we initially thought.

Oh Wow!

 

Stop watching the news by the way. You will probably start feeling better. Actualizers don't watch the news. I know I don't...

[Jamie Universe]

@Hardkill I got an update. I recently had a bit of a breakthrough today in my hopeless feeling, and since we are having similar problems this may pertain to you as well. I realized today while being extremely lazy through writing out and working through my problem that I'm holding onto ideas that are limiting me. One idea was this: Because I am in college and can't focus on meditation, and am not overly motivated to do serious self-actualization work like I used to, I am just waiting until I can meditate, because especially for people here you might fall into the trap that if you aren't a master meditator and completely happy and self-actualized that you aren't going to be happy. But I realized that I set expectations and goals that are to far into the future, and these ideas are simply to grand to exist tomorrow, and since they are so big I am not even motivated to begin working. And simply by the fact that this now seems all so impossible I feel hopeless and unmotivated.

so I fixed my problem by appreciating my near-future goals, like getting outside and hiking for one since it feels good, but also the possibility of getting a job soon, or just simple things. The lesson is the near-future is the place where you will get your happiness, not the far-future, its simply to hard to aim for goals that don't allow you to feel good in the meantime. For you that might mean letting go of the political future - I mean hey anything can happen there it feels like - but also letting go of your idea of "getting the perfect job" or being completely self-actualized and enlightened tomorrow. The most inspiring thing you can do is to find inspiration where you are, not where you aren't.

 

[PepperBlossoms]

6 hours ago, Jamie Universe said:

The lesson is the near-future is the place where you will get your happiness, not the far-future, its simply to hard to aim for goals that don't allow you to feel good in the meantime.

The most inspiring thing you can do is to find inspiration where you are, not where you aren't.

Good stuff.  We are kinda stuck in the present moment anyway so it is a question of having a miserable present moment or not.

[PepperBlossoms]

On 12/26/2020 at 10:00 PM, Hardkill said:

 

 

Watched this.  One thing that it got me thinking while watching was how we kinda have society set up to where it is fragmented - everyone is on their own.  You are on your own for your learning, finances, etc.  Sometimes stuff is easier as a team than as a bunch of individuals.

If we could switch civilization more back to the team function rather than the individual function, there may not be such low mental health.

An individual may compare oneself to the others and see hopelessness but a team acting together can see all the benefits it has of working together with its peers and contributing that way rather than just to oneself.

If we didn't have private bank accounts but rather just one large bank account shared among the team, would our bank account be in debt or would we as the team keep it up?  Would the team do more to make sure that no one falls behind and that it can use what it has more efficiently and interact better?

How can we transform our arrangement to make arrangement part of the solution?

Edited December 28, 2020 by PepperBlossoms