Feeling unconsciously intimidated by my older brother

[Nadosa]

When I was a small kid, my brother used to rule over me and kind of acted and used me out of maybe envy or jealousy. For example, he created an imaginary "club", which was kind of a club for the "cool" kids, but in reality it didn't even exist. He used to tell, if I didn't do this or that for him, I get fired from this club and feel bad. I dont know, this story got me feeling so intimidated and made me feel obligated to react and do the things he wanted, otherwise I would feel bad and he actually used it to force me to do certain things I didn't want to. It kind of switched into OCD, to the point where I feared that something bad could have happened if I didn't follow him.

Until this day, I have a big flaw, namely feeling guilty and overthinking little things that could have been "wrong". Especially in relationships.

Nowadays, the relation between me and my brother is ok. But I can't show him the love he wants me to show him. He already apologized etc..But he kind of uses his "manipulative" behaviours to supress my voice in some situations and I feel kind of intimidated. Because he has this deep sense of "knowing" how to manipulate me. I mean I can sense it somehow (unconsciously putting him on a pedestal) and it makes me wanna not meet him. He doesnt understand. He loves me and tells me I am his favourite person. I can sense a deep regret too.

But I can't shake off my bias here. I can't let go easily. He expects me to let it go now and that I make a big thing out of it. He's demonstrated very often in the past months that he still tends to manipulate me, making me feel bad for things...And I wish I could meet him with the same love. But I just...can't. And it annoys me too. But I just prefer being without him.

Is it okay or am I acting irresponsible going away from him?

Edited December 12, 2020 by Nadosa

[Origins]

@Nadosa

Among many other stories, when I was 9 years old my 30 year old half brother told me if I didn't stop swinging the baseball bat around he was going to throw me in a garbage bag and burn me alive (no one other than my sister was around to comfort me, father in china at the time). Traumatised me.

I've thought about finding him, torturing him the way he and another brother 20 years older traumatised me. Explore the darker aspects of yourself, but remember to rise out of it and do what aligns with your highest personal truth. Become autobiographically connected, discover the patterns and you'll have the wisdom to send you through to where you should whether to peace or to war or just by relative extents that are intelligent. Even though they're big, I know I could outsmart them, be stronger than they and take them out. I know I don't have to find either of them and torture them though. But what it taught me was that you have to become strong. Mentally first. You have to learn from experience, that's how you return home to this moment right now without that disabling your experience of reality. Armed with wisdom. What I realised is that in traveling to the heights of my mental and physical strongest to take them out, that at my strongest, it wouldn't be worth it. The threats gone now. It happened when I was 9. The lesson is learned. If it happens again... It won't happen again. They were just bullies picking on a little kid.

You have to PROCESS the experience to the point of taking effective action that transforms your life. Process your WHOLE life and that's how your mind gives you patterns to follow up on to live the life of wisdom you should based on your experiences.

Edited December 12, 2020 by Origins