modmyth

Thought Of The Moment

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NAMING TRENDS: Is it still a thing where when songs become really popular because they're named after a person (usually a woman), and then that name will see a strong spike in popularity for the next handful of years? The Police have been on regular rotation lately, and every time I hear the song "Roxanne", I think of a girl I knew at one of my highschool who was named after that song, and she didn't seem that happy about it.

IRISH/ GAELIC NAMES: I remember seeing this video a couple of years ago. I just assume that if there's a Gaelic name I've never heard before, that I'm going to mispronounce it horribly. Side note: my name is neither super common nor is it very uncommon, and I get my named spelled wrong all the time when I do go to a Starbucks.

 

Edited by modmyth
You don't have to put on the red light

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I've learned a lot of things that might be considered some combination of super difficult or super serious (depending on who you ask and what they value).

Maybe I should learn something totally useless for fun. Like this ridiculous fucking aerobics routine.

The original: Neither sexy nor graceful! But they are all very flexible!

Probably I've posted this at some point or another, but sometimes I revisit this when I want a laugh (/ probably part of a former purge post).

Edited by modmyth
Are they having fun or are they in serious emotional pain? Can't tell...

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DR BRONNER'S WEIRD LIFE ADVICE SOAP: Does anyone else use Dr. Bronner's soap?  It's the best soap that you can get consistently at pretty much any drug store here, and J and I have been using the lavender one for years now (he refuses to switch to another scent). Anyway, if you do, have you read the extremely weird, highly religious, pan-Abrahamic, label? Sometimes I have too much time in the shower, and I read it. .... (Like the cleanliness of this soap is gonna help me ascend. Ok dude.)

Click on this glorious label below to read it.

pYyOPKhvmN6p3euxWkynI0Q_0QrSqoAviqF1N7p-

 

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Edited by modmyth
He also tells me that I should only enjoy sleep and Dr. Bronner's soap as cosmetics. I don't think so haha.

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HOLY COMMUNION?// I AM A RECURSIVE LOOP("TIME TRAVEL")?

The spirits have never stopped following me since I was young. I have simply gotten used to it. When I was 13-17, it was especially intense and visible, near the beginning I was pretty chill about it (and if I was like, having an especially good, especially connected moment, a super high, it's been like yes, you are all invited to participate in this, just instinctively speaking...), and mostly wasn't a cause for alarm, except when I was super duper paranoid because of the breach caused by trauma. To the aware that I have been increasingly aware that it is mostly... people. People in a body who are alive currently. ... (About this, it is a mix of things though in both origin and source, for example, in astral space, there is a lot of refraction or noise going on, thoughtforms that people have created either accidentally or more purposefully, and also to the degree that this is all shared shit anyway...)

Sometimes I have been surrounded by intense love and I haven't been sure why. Sometimes I am aware that I have refracted myself and am visiting myself from both the past and the future, as strange as that may sound on some level, but "time" exists in one sense and not in other senses. So I am both then walking through the portal of "the past" into the current space, or from the future... ultimately it's all the same shit, same pile. 

Sometimes I have known that I am being watched and my actions are being interpreted and analyzed and reacted to, and except in my most vulnerable, fearful moments, I just go about my business. But in certain moments, I have fucking hated it. Who are you, let me suffer in peace? How does having a witness help me here? (Also at times, it has definitely been terrifying, but it's like... get a grip over yourself, girl. And face it dead on.) And of course, have inevitably wondered the degree to which paranoia and fear twist the ability to interpret clearly and cleanly, so there is the art to develop of interpretation in the midst of fog or battle of whatever you would like to call it, with very limited tools, at times with limited perspective. Perhaps the internal compass works just fine intrinsically, but what may knock it off course? To the degree and the extreme standards and backbreaking analysis, I would have put myself through retrospectively to know what qualitatively may make it true or not; I like procedure. Have I needed to make it so when I could just use raw intuition cast widely and precisely enough without casting over it retrospectively? Yes, sure, but I have made a point of making it clear and explaining to myself back then, and honestly... I anticipated that I would want and feel the need to talk about it one day. But there has been that clicking awareness of the dynamics of the exchange that I push out of my mind, I wipe off my slate. I keep on walking.

For most of my life, I've been like... nothing to see here folks. This is what I had guarded fiercely and I would have died with it. Under no condition would you have been able to force it out of me, and I have been though enough for this statement to have weight. And yet, it is not so. ...

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(No longer; I am still recounting the past legibly. I had to get a grip then, getting a grip in different ways now.)

 

Edited by modmyth
And I am a "nobody".

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THE WILD HUNT: Here is a good metaphor for paranoia about soul connections where despite that paranoia, your interpretations about it may be true to some degree or another. The wild hunt, which was an aspect of Norse and a few other North European mythologies for a while before it was a part of the Witcher, haha. Usually in this myth, a young woman is being hunted for some reason, and she may be innocent or guilty of something (for reasons that I did not know). Not that I knew about this myth when I was younger.

La_caza_salvaje_de_Od%C3%ADn,_por_Peter_

 

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ABSURDISM/ HAUNTINGS/ ASLIGHTLY LESS SERIOUS POST: Honestly though, any version of this is pretty funny to me now, not that I have to ask explicitly to know, and this is moreso something that would happen when I was younger and got much more easily spooked. "Why are you here? "WHY are YOU here?" (Well, you are the one that found me, did you not, where I happen to be right now?) Ultimately it feels like doing this with yourself, or getting into arguments with yourself.

(Dude. You don't know, I don't know, nobody fucking knows right now. :D)

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When maybe we should be doing this:

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Or this:

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Or having super squad time or some shit.

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Not so, getting along still isn't that easy for us all, it seems.

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For flair.

Edited by modmyth
The 90s. They're happening here.

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What still matters to you once you're asleep and in dreams? What about when you're at the brink, and beyond fighting for and defending for yourself or something else? .... What remains?

Edited by modmyth
No matter who you are in this world, or aren't, you gotta lay it all down somehow.

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TMI?/ PUBLIC BOUNDARIES: I have felt a near-constant push-pull when it comes to discussing past lives, which happens to be rather important at times in the context of how and why I notice certain things. I am concerned with transparency and would prefer it, but constantly wonder what is too much to say (and why). And yet, I might as well get as much of it out here as I want to, shouldn't I? I am the absolute, foremost authority of my own history and insight into my own motives past, present and future; I am my own best historian. So if I want anyone to know it, I need to say it. And at the same time, I still often wonder if I should just be dancing, or having sex, or making art or something instead of talking about myself so much. Maybe I should be something that makes me happier and to feel more embodied and involves less thinking and digging around into my past, along with the many number of things that I also most often enjoy, but have a heavier weight of responsibility in this life, are more rigid and structured (and often more logical/ analytical as well).

At what point have I said too much about myself, and won't be just deal with it or ignore it regardless? ...

I am incredibly wary about making outlandish claims though, even though I have made quite a few. And it tends to get more extreme, and more "narcissistic" the deeper you dig into it, and so I beat around the bush, and I pay the price for this, but one always pays a sort of price (as in, you gain something and lose something no matter what you choose, but just generally, some are better than others). On one level, who cares. On the other hand, it is hard to tell a story well to the best of your capacity when you're always thinking about how to strategically say something while editing some parts out and not others, so that SOME people might be able to read it and others not. It would be nice to be more direct than this, but it is always the matter of finding the right balance. In every fucking life, the same stupid game which I am pretty used to. I am always, always calculating. It never stops. To be honest I find it very tiring and burdensome. It would be nice to lead for impulse for once here (and to deal with the consequences, to let it be, or to eat my words by erasing them or something, whatever.)

Edited by modmyth
Anyways, one of my strategies is giving away a lot information and you can figure out if it's worth your time or if it resonates or not, but if I am actually responsible for you, that goes two ways properly./ You're awesome, I'm awesome, we're all awesome

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Nostalgia/ 20 Year Rule?/ Music + Style?: So there is this notion that fashion repeats itself in 20-year cycles. Well, I have noticed styles of the early 00s come back into fashion the past year or two. What about with trends in music though, does a similar thing happen? At least with myself, I've noticed that music that I've listened to around middle school age about (11-13) has started to sound good to me instead of cringe.

I'm even warming up again to early 2000s styles and makeup somewhat again, like maybe I will start wearing baggy pants and tight semi-crops and tank tops again (I really had to slide that one by my mom). ...and frosted makeup (which has started to look fresh to me).

Edited by modmyth
Please no capri pants though

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There is a tea house that I go to a lot, about a five-minute walk away. There are a number of choices nearby, but this is my favourite one. I am there enough and they know me well enough that they got me an xmas gift (a yearly planner). It's a pretty nice one, actually. Which reminds me.... on the one hand, supporting local businesses during COVID, they probably are probably really grateful for my business; it's nowhere as busy as it used to be before COVID, of course there are a lot of people coming and going rather than staying now, but this location has always been this way. It's one of the few places that has a proper sit and also doesn't give off the vibe like they secretly hate you for doing so. On the other hand, expensive habit, pretty wasteful as I still haven't committed to a reusable drink container.

It has the right vibe though.... The lighting is not too artificial or harsh (like fluorescent), it's large enough but not too large, and the decor and materials of the floor and wall are largely natural wood. There is also the mood factor which is a bit hard to qualify as well. It feels intimate, but not too intimate (as in, people feel like they're practically up your ass.) It supports my habit the last few years of being near other people, but not TOO near. Mostly I have preferred people watching sometimes while getting my stuff done as opposed to that much socializing... Usually I'm writing (mostly by hand), sometimes typing something up, drawing, reading, etc.

Anyway, I've gotten really good at drawing people with their masks on, not that I've done a huge number of IRL sketches. (You never know when you need a skill like that.)

Edited by modmyth

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RABBITUDE: I am sitting on a pile of stuff I could not be assed to type up at the moment. .... I would rather post rabbit gifs. Almost every rabbit has a very sassy side to their personality, by the way, if you take the time to get to know them as pets.

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Your stuff gets destroyed: especially your wires and clothing/ blankets.

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Or do these little jumps and spins called binkies when they get really happy. This one got a bit too excited, haha.

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And they do this boxing thing with their front paws when they get annoyed/ angry, which is called boxing:

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Here seen in its more "pure"/ ridiculous form performed by two hares...

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Sometimes you catch them doing derpy things:

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Since I was a kid, I've found that it's super relaxing to listen to them eat. The crunching sound.

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When they stand on their hind legs to get a better view or to hear better, that's called periscoping, apparently.

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When rabbits flop because they're ready to be comfy, it can get pretty violent. The first time my first bunny did this, my mom thought he had a heart attack. ..

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I find the way they yawn to be really cute.

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Some rabbits sleep like derps.

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Others don't sleep where they're supposed to (like cats).

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If a rabbit grooms another rabbit (or you), they/ you are bonded.

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Random Fact/ Thought: most rabbits don't like to be held or picked up, they're a lot like cats in that way. After years and years of having rabbits, I am convinced that they find most things we do either stressful or annoying. Unless you are one of those die-hard," I've read guides on rabbit body language" and books on rabbit care kind of owners, but a lot of people see rabbits as "starter pets".

Edited by modmyth

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WHAT IS LOVE? (Baby don't hurt me, no more...)/ THE IDEAL RELATING PLACE: Is it better to not be loved at all, and to be forgotten or ignored, rather than to be loved terribly? Especially by someone who thinks they are loving you well enough or are doing you right when they are actually doing you violence, and so the meaning and associations to love get twisted. I am convinced that the latter is always worse in the case that you have the option to walk away: like they are not your parents while you're still a minor. Doesn't the latter always do more lasting damage? (I guess it depends too, how you frame it yourself, as it what it means to you, and how it works out within your own system of beliefs.)

Committing to human interactions is serious enough to me; when I commit to it and I have a clear idea of what I want (though I have already started a shift, and am the process of shifting), 1) I should have very little to no "unconscious"/ subverted underside to drag me or others down, and likewise, expect not to attract time-wasting or energy-wasting dynamics. In the space, you can transform dynamics with your presence; this I already know. 2) I will make interactions universally a win-win scenario whenever humanly possible, especially in terms of the underlying energy dynamics of the interactions... this is something that used to come naturally to me, and I still have the instinct. But I have found it draining. This tends to be the case when your first instinct is to provide high energy and positive energy to interactions (even say, while you have a sarcastic demeanor or sense of humour, which generally goes against what I do here; as I've said, I've preferred to let it really hang out times, judge me how you may, which includes fighting against my own instinct to tuck it back in. And show and go along with what I feel people instinctively want to see (but not TOO much, because people don't really like that either, too much people-pleasing). IRL I've tended to be a bit on the retentive side in that way, which is a by-product of my own upbringing.)

Like how do you play a "role" if that is what your life's work/ situation calls for, but not have it be "fake"? You have a lot of stuff to sort out beforehand, your values and priorities have to be sorted out clearly enough, you hide as little as possible can IMO. Your various identities and roles are minimally unsegregated/ fully integrated as much as possible. And then, there is what flows out naturally, in a state of flow. 

Obligatory Repost:

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Edited by modmyth
"Good enough" is soon enough though, I don't intend to do this forever.

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POISONING THE WELL/ RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES:  I wouldn't want to give someone less of the space to be simply by doing what I do and being who I am, so the journals tend to be a bit of an echo chamber at times, sometimes more or less so than others. But my personal journal are self absorbed, definitely. It's the nature of the format too. To be honest, despite reading threads a decent amount of the time here on the other parts of the forum, I feel like interjecting my opinion tends to be a bit on the patronizing side even if opinions are asked for. Just instinctively and by habit, I tend to ask myself, is my opinion either productive or is there a point to it? Or am I speaking to be heard? (And if I am, can't I just do this here instead of treading on other people's space?) Often, I feel that it isn't, but there is probably a layer of sheer habit to this. For most of my life, I've not been the one to talk to get my voice heard. I talk when there is the natural opening for it in a conversation; I don't like talking over people, and I don't like it when people talk over me. I'm not as sensitive to this as I used to be. Despite this though, naturally I tend to be really talkative. I just know how to go without.

I notice when people have terrible listening skills. And myself, since childhood I've tended to be a natural listener, absorbed in the other person in my focus, an empath, etc. As an adult, my dad had asked me, why don't you interject with your own opinions/ thoughts when we have conversations more? And I told him it's because he seems to keep wanting to talk and talk, and so I just listen to him (or have the bad habit of waiting for him to be done talking, which could be 2-3 hours of him talking to be heard if he has this pent up need to talk and to be heard, and I am... very patient by nature, when I want to be at least, since I was a little kid). And my first instinct is that I tend to provide people want from me, and while in most circumstances this would be fine, this factors into recreationally why I haven't liked to be around people that much. I'm not really sure that truly it is introversion that drains me despite functioning that way.

Connections tend get lop-sided when you can't get what you really want from people so easily. You get older, I think it's natural to get pickier about who you want to spend your time around as you figure out what you want and hopefully become more decisive about that, what kind of behaviour is acceptable, and how you want to spend your limited time just generally.

This is an aspect of what people call the emotional labour of women which tends to go unappreciated, isn't it? I used to have a hard time relating to this concept, like what is all this stuff you HAVE to do for all of these people, usually when refering male persons? But then I guess this behaviour doesn't come to me naturally. I'm not the way in my own relationships like I am with my father, for example; I have NEVER tolerated guys talking at me or being a dispensary for >insert feminine caregiving capacity, sex, mandatory ego boosting etc.< pretty much ever. (though I am sexual and supportive on my own terms, that is seperate.) There has been a special level of shit I will take from my parents (as I have overall been a "good daughter" despite my one rebellious phase) that I just won't take from anyone else, and that also factors into why I don't like to be around my parents too often, heh. But for other people? Boundaries. What can you do but to not respond to people's sense of entitlement for your love, energy, and attention, especially if on some level they sense that you need or expect something in return to vindicate what you've given? People given this under these conditions never appreciate much if at all really, practically by definition. 

I read about women who have become bitter and jaded because of giving too much in relationships, for when the tides tend to swing this this general, and I feel sad because there is an unavoidable level of "this is what we've been trained to do" likely married with some aspect of your intrinsic personality. And I've read about some really gross relationship dynamics. On some level, it doesn't matter what this person is SUPPOSED to be for you, their supposed love or role they fulfill, whether you believe or they are the love of your life, your husband, etc. I say this because we tend to make excuses and blindside ourselves for those we love, but it makes relationships disintegrate. So we find ourselves in a tricky place: there is the desire to dissolve in emotional boundaries to experience connection, but it easily becomes a mess and all of these expectations and dynamics suddenly come up from both side. It doesn't matter so much what they say but what they DO. (I mean I was trained to take it too, but I have never been able to tolerate it). Fuck a relationship under those conditions. Better to just walk away. Better to be alone than to be with a leech. And if you find it hard to... then you're in a hard position, aren't you?

And the funny thing is that so many of these people will shape up under these conditions, like will either beg for you back, like clockwork. You tend to either get bitter in the above cases or to not take it too personally. (I think it's easier to do the latter when you have an instinct for how people tend to be. People are people, etc., some people are more like that than others, so save your time when you can if you hope to get something worthwhile back without it feeling like explicit emotional bartering.)

***In some places more than others, like while I was in academia, I have been very combative though. A lack of intellectual rigour and honest questioning (although I intended it to be good spirited...) is a great deal of what's  wrong with academia.

Edited by modmyth
If some dude has a level of like listen to me and treat me with respect because I have a penis, I'm like dude... you aren't my father. You want respect, do something and be someone worthy of respect. Likewise for myself. This isn't combative in spirit BTW

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