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7thLetter

I'm not even depressed but sometimes I just wanna kill myself for the infinite love

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I don't feel depressed at all, but life just feels boring or pointless sometimes. Life is just a game of living to try and do good for yourself just to die in the end. Its just so obvious to me that the ego will never be satisfied with what it achieves or acquires materially, financially, etc. Yet we work so hard to acquire these things, for what? "I just wanna be comfortable", then once you get there you're still not satisfied. Living as a human is just a finite hell, our minds are our biggest enemy. "Let me take care of this issue in my life, phew glad that's over with. Oh no, here comes another issue! Let me deal with this one too, and this one and that one." We're always stressed out about something, and need to fix something, or grow spiritually or through personal development to combat these issues, and learn more to know more but then there's still more to learn because knowledge is infinite, all of this just doesn't end.

Lately I've been thinking about death. Had my first ego death experience a couple months back on LSD, it was the most beautiful thing I've experienced. I wasn't even mentally prepared for it. I actually think that I felt suicidal at the time when I took it because I just experienced something in my life at the time that was so traumatizing. Took 1 tab then hours into the trip its like I got knocked out but was aware that I exist as some kind of entity. Everything was black, no sense of self, no physical reality, no thoughts, no stress, no suffering, just pure awareness, pure love. I guess this is what nothingness is. Its almost like you're asleep but aware that you're asleep, along with this feeling of just pure infinite bliss. This state was just so relaxing and soothing, I had no idea how long I was out for. Until I woke up, I started freaking out when I came back to this physical reality into my body. I honestly wanted to just be in that state forever. Coming back into my body was an odd experience because probably 70% of my memory about life was gone. I had to let time pass to regain my memory.

Watched Leo's video on "What is Death" today for the second time. First time I didn't have my ego death experience yet, and today being the second time watching it, already had my previous ego death experience and now what Leo was saying in the video just made so much more sense.

Death is just such a beautiful thing. To be in an infinite state of love, with no issues as a human to worry about, nothing to fix or control, nothing to work towards, no one to impress, no one to cater to, this kind of just outweighs the idea of living in a physical reality. No matter what's possible with this reality, millionaire or billionaire status, being with the hottest women, being the healthiest, being the most intelligent, anything anyone could ever desire, nothing beats death.

Still though, this is just kind of a rant, or expressing my thoughts, I probably won't act on it. It kind of sucks that we can't come back into this same identity we've constructed for ourselves if we wanted to.

Edited by 7thLetter

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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@Barbara Where should it go, the Self-Actualization category? I mean I guess its more of an insight providing thread so maybe a moderator can move it if necessary


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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I did not ask for the sake of where should it be. It's just I got the impression that you're not being completely honest with yourself, like there's some kind of contradiction since you're reporting a powerful experience but consider it a problem. Maybe it's just a belief you have that anyone who has thoughts about killing him/herself has mental problems. 
Anyway, I recommend contemplating What is life and Why. 
I wish you the absolute best

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@Barbara Its not that I believe anyone who have thoughts of suicide have mental problems, but just thought that this is the most appropriate place to post it in because this is generally where people would post about their suicidal thoughts.

You’re right, there sort of is a contradiction here. I certainly am honest about my peace with death, but sometimes I do have these suicidal thoughts at times in a ‘negative’ way due to previous experiences with trauma or feelings of depression, but I just haven’t felt that way lately. And this is where I would imagine people get help for this kind of stuff so maybe deep down I am looking for help, I just want people’s opinion on this. I wouldn’t say I have any “serious” mental issues though, so first time posting here.


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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@7thLetter  Well, I see it as a much layered topic then. How do you connect the ego-death experience to previous experiences of trauma and depression you had? 
What you report as being life, is just the materialistic aspect of it. If you focus on only that, especially when you had an ego-death experience, it tends to look super boring of course. But there's so much about life. It's your job to find it out. No one can tell you what's worthy of you living for. For that, contemplate about What is life and Why. See Leo's vid about contemplation if you haven't. 
Also, do you know whats your LP yet?

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Don't expect eternal bliss after death.

The show must go on.


“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

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@Keyhole That's a nice belief, but it's just a belief.


“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

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13 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

@Keyhole That's a nice belief, but it's just a belief.

Talking about the afterlife, time does not exist as we experience it. So there's no question of before/after/finite/eternal. It is probably a topic that is out-of-bounds for the human mind that only deals in finite quantities. I do not claim to understand it.

To the OP, numerous NDE experiencers have reported similar sentiments. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It is true that death is happier and more blissful than anything in the entire physical universe. Much of what people focus on (relationships, etc.) is set up to fail, as people have forgotten what they are truly searching for.

However, your question is ultimately coming from the ego-self. By all means, 'kill' it and bring the infinite love into this realm.

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1 hour ago, No Self said:

To the OP, numerous NDE experiencers have reported similar sentiments. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It is true that death is happier and more blissful than anything in the entire physical universe. Much of what people focus on (relationships, etc.) is set up to fail, as people have forgotten what they are truly searching for.

Some people who get NDE experience hell. And some don't get a NDE at all.. so the variation is big.

Edited by Blackhawk

“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

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@Barbara

17 hours ago, Barbara said:

@7thLetter  Well, I see it as a much layered topic then. How do you connect the ego-death experience to previous experiences of trauma and depression you had? 
What you report as being life, is just the materialistic aspect of it. If you focus on only that, especially when you had an ego-death experience, it tends to look super boring of course. But there's so much about life. It's your job to find it out. No one can tell you what's worthy of you living for. For that, contemplate about What is life and Why. See Leo's vid about contemplation if you haven't. 
Also, do you know whats your LP yet?

I wouldn't say there's any connection, but the ego-death experience vs the trauma & depression makes death seem more favorable rather than going through these undesirable little human feelings I went through.

And its not even that life is boring when compared to ego death, I've been here for 24 years now, turning 25 in a week and I know what life is like. Its always going to be the same way it's always been, have certain experiences, collect memories, go home, go to bed, on repeat. Life has has its ups and downs, everything is just so uncertain. I don't mean to be so pessimistic, but its sort of like why continue to have that uncertainty instead of infinite bliss?

Obviously this is just all talk though, this is more about stimulating the mind through an intellectual conversation and expressing thoughts on a specific topic. For me to actually act on it, I still have attachments to the ego like we all do. Only problem I have in life is that dating is so difficult. I've never had a girlfriend and this just makes me feel so suicidal at times, I'm not even a bad looking guy. But people go through issues that are worse than mine, so I guess its kind of selfish to think that I'm the only one who has issues in life.

Took the LP course 5 years ago, been thinking of taking it again but haven't yet. I already do know what I'd like to dedicate most of my time into though.


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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18 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Don't expect eternal bliss after death.

The show must go on.

I would expect what I experienced through psychedelics and what Leo said.

2 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Some people who get NDE experience hell. And some don't get a NDE at all.. so the variation is big.

What is hell without the ego? Could hell even exist without the ego?


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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2 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

Only problem I have in life is that dating is so difficult. I've never had a girlfriend and this just makes me feel so suicidal at times, I'm not even a bad looking guy.

Many guys have the same problem, because they are guys.

It's the curse of being a male.

Edited by Blackhawk

“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

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This assumes you have an idea what death is or what comes after death. And ofcourse you don't. What you have are just strories.


"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible"

-Albert einstein. 

 

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@Someone here What I have is my experience on psychedelics and what I learned through Leo and the internet. Is it just a story? Yes you could be right, maybe the afterlife is something completely different, but you could also be wrong.

Your comment also assumes that I don't have an idea of what death is, maybe I don't. Who knows.


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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@7thLetter Yes, but I have to agree that you most probably don't know what death is. 

Nor you know what life is based on 24 of living, maybe 7 or 8 living consciously. Reality is happening externally, independent of us. We try our best to perceive it, but, we can only grasp it through interpretation. The problem is that we can only interpret it through our belief system. Nothing has meaning for its self. We give meaning to everything. I find this important so I can ground myself, knowing that I can't understand or know a lot of things, and trying to do so is kinda an egoic need for control.

So, life it's not only a repetition system, that's only your limiting belief, you see. And as long as you believe in that, you'll always find those proofs in your life, since nothing has meaning for its self. You give meaning to everything. 

Regarding your LP, you should most definitely do the course again! I'm doing it now for the first time and it's so worth it. 

About dating, have you never had a relationship or you can't usually get dates, even if nothing serious?

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@Barbara I think this is why some people are into spirituality, philosophy, etc. Because maybe deep down they’re lost in life and they just want to understand what life and death is.

I enjoy philosophy and all the deeper topics. I just want to find truth, find meaning, understand more about life and understand people. But not only do I enjoy listening to these topics, I sometimes feel lost too so studying this kind of material also helps with that in a way.

I kind of trust Leo and other teachers plus my psychedelic experience though, about the truth of death. The more spiritual awakening experiences I have throughout my life, the more what I learned will become apparent to me because experience becomes more than just a belief. If I learn something from several other people, and experience it for myself then that’s enough for me to confirm and trust that its true.

About dating, 24 years old never been in a relationship. Quiet kid in highschool and elementary, had some friends but hung out alone during break time. Always had huge crushes on so many girls but never talked to them. So after highschool I wanted a change. Turned to personal development, health & fitness, any way that I can try to improve myself I tried. My whole self-improvement journey has been mainly motivated to boost my confident to hopefully eventually get a girlfriend. At 18 had my first few encounters with girls at parties. Went on my first date with one of them, but was needy around her and it pushed her away. That was pretty much the only real date I had. Tinder results suck. Got into pickup, approached hundreds of girls in public, got numbers, still bad results because my “game” sucks. Had a lot of crushes on girls at multiple workplaces I worked at who had boyfriends. The trauma I talked about was about a girl from work who I was so into, who shut me down. She seemed into me at first but I was needy. She gaslighted me and made it hurt even more. Spent months in quarantine traumatized and depressed over her. Healed a lot since then. Made a stupid decision recently, only 2-3 weeks ago, and found a site where you can pay girls to date you. Paid a girl quite a bit of money to go on one date with me. This was literally my second ever real date with a girl. She seemed genuine, we talked openly about our problems, it actually seemed like she wanted a real relationship. We played video games together online. Texted her 3 days ago to hang out again, no reply. Dating life is meh. I don’t meet a lot of new people these days, I don’t work anymore so getting dates is still difficult and now even harder than before Covid. Online dating is all I have. I only match with girls I’m not attracted to on Tinder.


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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2 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

@Someone here What I have is my experience on psychedelics and what I learned through Leo and the internet. Is it just a story? Yes you could be right, maybe the afterlife is something completely different, but you could also be wrong.

Your comment also assumes that I don't have an idea of what death is, maybe I don't. Who knows.

Haha. You don't know anything. That's the raw truth of your life. I mean up to the limits of your sensory bubble. 


"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible"

-Albert einstein. 

 

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The egos fantasy is to experience ultimate bliss in death. But how can it? There is no you or ego in death and you have NO clue what death is. Dont fall for the stupid fantasy. Fix yourself a good life here and enjoy it while you can. 

Edited by Rilles

How strange it is to be anything at all

 

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33 minutes ago, 7thLetter said:

Tinder results suck

Why?

Try a positive approach on tinder. Know that you're gonna find what you're expecting. If you approach it negatively, you will have bad results. That's the ground for the Self-image idea that Leo talks about in a video. It's also about Law of attraction. Because with covid now, that's pretty much the only thing you have to meet others. And if you are not attracted to them, don't swipe right :D

42 minutes ago, 7thLetter said:

my “game” sucks.

How?

44 minutes ago, 7thLetter said:

found a site where you can pay girls to date you.

I think that this is bad mostly for your self esteem since you already think your game is bad, and this will only strengthen that idea. That you can't get girls, the "normal" way. And I think you know you want true connections, and paying them, you can never really know if they're being genuine or not.

Also, maybe you think about this, but have you studied your childhood in a way you can understand if there was something happening that is blocking you now, with your dating life. Because I think that the reason you have a meh dating life, may not be about your game or so. Try to improve other areas of your life and I believe dates will come. Don't put all your energy into this. Focus more on yourself and being the best you can be. 

Also, when covid goes away, you can try traveling. It's a very nice way to meet new people and it can be amazing for your personal growth. 

Also, there are people here on the forum that can help you, with some kind of coaching or therapy. If you're interested make a thread about this :) 

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