Etherial Cat

A Moving Identity: Settling into Self-Expression

366 posts in this topic

Negative emotions and equanimity

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I have realized lately how during all my life I have tried to avoid at all cost negative emotions. I am not an exception though- all humans are doing the same. There are no way out of negative emotions. They are part of our journey in this life. We need to accept them and surrender. 

I believe that for most of my life I wasn't equipped to deal with the magnitude of them. I have come with a handful of strategies to avoid their direct confrontation which I have been trying to dismantle in the last years. Denial, avoidance, repression, distractions are coping strategies which are coming to my mind. But there isn't any other way than confrontation.

All our collective issues comes from the fact that we haven't been able to alchemize the collective karma that we hold. And it takes mostly the form of repressed emotions. It is no clue that emotions nowadays are a social taboo. Because they are the key to change. In fact, I even see a lot of mockery around emotions. But the mockery is in fact an attempt at reduction to what we are trying to contain as a collective. Millenniums of pain and hurt stored into our bodies, and transmitted from generation to generation. Imagine exhuming it, witnessing it, feeling it fiercely.

It would be enough to deal with its own baggage though, everyone got a share of it. Each of our actions and those of our ancestors that still live within us are our burden. Making them vanish would be responsible for a reshuffle of the cards. Isn't it so poetic to realize that cosmic justice is in fact so perfectly design? Heaven lays behind atonement and the expurgation of all our sins.

I think I've had a breakthrough when it comes to my negative emotions. I used to think that I had no right to be angry, sad or have so called negative impulse which are part of the human scope without becoming myself a bad person. Now I know that they are there in me because I am human. I surrender to that humanity. They are part of my experience. They are a pallet which allows me to feel compassion for those who suffers as I can relate to those who unfortunately acts on those lowly impulses and fail to find their center. 

I think, the key is not to get identified with these bad emotions. They aren't us. They go through us. And when the deep "I" isn't there to witness, they try to take possession of those who aren't grounded enough. Which I can still be guilty of. The good thing is, no one is truly bad. So I am not bad for feeling frustrated when another person get on my nerves. For feeling truly angry when another ego or a collective throw at me its crass ignorance and cause me pain. It is just a cloud in my sky.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

Confusion, courage and trust

I woke up today from one of these strange dreams that gets you wondering: what's up with my psyche? I could write my dream with as many details I can remember from it, but it isn't the point.  I'm more interested in the underlying feeling which accompanied the beginning of my day: confusion.

Confusion at what I want. Confusion at where I am at. Confusion about my life. Confusion about myself.

And I wonder, really "How am I doing?".

I realize then that the answer is "probably not so great". And my first thoughts are thoughts of guilt. Haven't I been into self-help for nearly 10 years? Am I not a "rather advanced" spiritual learner? How can it be so? Something must be going wrong. What is wrong with me?

I feel divided. I feel afraid. I feel not enough. I feel... jailed. My desire for safety is a prison where my authentic self seems to be suffering. I also have the impression an important part of myself is not showing up.

The general lock down feels like a mirror for how I am also confined. 

I feel my inner light isn't shinning as bright as it is possible. I feel like my potential is still sleeping. 

I'm going to change some stuff. I'm going to show up more than that. I hear a call for actions and to align better with my truth. Come what may. The worst thing that can happen to me is not trying to do better.

I need to trust my higher self. I need to trust life. Let's get this energy to circulate. Let's manifest something else.

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Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Mother Aya? Definitely going for it, but lock down makes it hard currently ¬¬


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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I

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There is no me to hate or not to feel powerful enough. The "me" is a fiction.

All I am is the consciousness.

My real identity is that I am the great shapeshifter.

"I am"-  the center of my life.

"I am"- my biggest treasure

"I am"- what set the tone of the reality experienced

--

All my problems stem from having forgotten at some point what I am. And how I should properly love myself.

I am so honored to be in custody of my life.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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A few thoughts on journaling 

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There is something strange in reading old entries. 

When they are old enough, I see myself as an external observer discovering my journal. And then, I remember vaguely my state of mind as I was writing that entry, and what I thought about that post.

It's funny, because quite often, the two gaze enter in conflicts.

So I wonder, which one is the most accurate?  And what makes the difference?

After all, it is always my gaze, but the self-image projected from the same factual element differs so much that I can't help but marvel at how we assign meaning and distort reality depending on the context.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

Posting a video

It is sooooooooooooooooo weird to finally take that move! Cringe!

The quality is terrible as it was taken with my smartphone, before I realized there camera was set up on the lowest resolution possible. I've decided to start small, instead for going with producing "quality content" and use more sophisticated equipment (that I don't master yet :P).

Anyway, that is done. I plan on posting something everyday during the next 20 days that are coming, so I get used with my new self-expression medium!

 

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Few thoughts on seeing yourself on a video

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I'm excited, I have the same feeling of discomfort as when I started this journal. It mostly wore off after a few weeks, if I remember well. 

Feeling-wise-  I really want to take it off... :P I'm not making any of those video public yet, as they are just me getting acquainted with a new format and experimenting. But of course, they are accessible from here.

I'm thinking, there is probably not much the ego hates more than dealing with its own self-image, when it gets to scrutinize itself from an outside perspective (just like what I mentioned yesterday with old journal entries).

This thing is nothing else but trouble! I really wish I'd live my life not second guessing my self-image, just like Eckhart does it.

“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.” Rumi

Voilà. Let's just add also not worrying also about what I think xD.

More seriously, until I reach this type of level, my process is more like- " I'm not going to stop doing what I want just because it induces discomfort."

I'll go for my truth. I'll accept myself come what may. I'll follow what feels right. Because the status quo is death. Life happens when you go for what challenges you.

My biggest challenge is apparently being "me". :)

And I think it is the case for everyone. Becoming you takes listening to your most profound voices and discard whatever falsehood you manage to trim off.

Being who you truly are is totally overlooked.

That's probably because being is not valued in western society, as "having" is at the forefront. So obviously, the subtleties of how being ourself unfolds as we shed lies aren't in the picture.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Etherial Cat

Hey there! Nice first video.

I liked your voice and your laughter. They're both genuine and friendly.I've noticed that you've gotten used to the camera very quickly. Really, I perceived a shift in your flow near the middle of the recording. That's a very promising sign. I wonder how long it would take me to get acquainted if I ever decided to make videos.

Looking forward for more, but with the phone standing on some table or something stable :P


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

@Etherial Cat

Hey there! Nice first video.

I liked your voice and your laughter. They're both genuine and friendly.I've noticed that you've gotten used to the camera very quickly. Really, I perceived a shift in your flow near the middle of the recording. That's a very promising sign. I wonder how long it would take me to get acquainted if I ever decided to make videos.

Hey @Gesundheit

Thanks for giving me some feedback :). It's particularly lovely that you say that I seem to have gotten used to the camera quickly and that I look authentic. I'm hoping that both aspect will get better in the upcoming days.

Regarding to getting acquainted to the camera, I must say that it isn't easy (especially if like me you're naturally introverted...) as it triggers an ego-mechanism which gets us to behave exactly the same as when we feel observed or scrutinized.

Are you thinking of starting to post video as well?

What I am doing lately to get more comfortable is to record myself doing different stuff (explaining concepts, improvising, having conversation with others, walking in the street...),  and then to review the videos. The important stuff is to experiment and get used to both your self-image and the camera, so over time you forget a lot of discomfort.

Then, another aspect to get acquainted with is to experience the technical and logistical aspects. I discover each time something new I had no idea about, each time I inquire about how to make video. There is a whole process behind the scene, and the learning curve is important as a beginner. 

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

 

Looking forward for more, but with the phone standing on some table or something stable :P

Lol! I'll try to do better. Yesterday, my mindset was more a "I just want something online". Now, I'll try to make it slightly better everyday.

 I feel like a pokemon level 1, with now 5points xp :P.

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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6 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Are you thinking of starting to post video as well?

Nah. I had the desire to do that a couple of times, but my English speaking is not fluent, so I backed up right away. I'm not really a camera person, either. And well, speaking of cameras, my phone is currently broken, so I basically don't have a camera 9_9

6 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

What I am doing lately to get more comfortable is to record myself doing different stuff (explaining concepts, improvising, having conversation with others, walking in the street...),  and then to review the videos. The important stuff is to experiment and get used to both your self-image and the camera, so over time you forget a lot of discomfort.

Then, another aspect to get acquainted with is to experience the technical and logistical aspects. I discover each time something new I had no idea about, each time I inquire about how to make video. There is a whole process behind the scene, and the learning curve is important as a beginner.

Sounds like a balanced plan between theory and practice. So good on you. Especially the systematic approach you're taking.

The most important thing is always the first step, and you've already beaten the biggest challenge and shattered the strongest barriers. The cerebellum will start co-operating from here on, thus making it easier and eventually effortless.

6 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Lol! I'll try to do better. Yesterday, my mindset was more a "I just want something online". Now, I'll try to make it slightly better everyday.

No problem. I actually would prefer a shaky video over no video at all.

6 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

I feel like a pokemon level 1, with now 5points xp :P.

xD


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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You made the leap, congrats! That wasn’t too bad at all. :)

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DAY 2

Unfortunately, despite increasing the video shooting quality it still looks flimsy with my One Plus Nord camera. But I managed to shoot on the smartphone with an improvised tripod today, so there is better stability at least. 

I also used the thumbnail function so it's more agreeable for me not to see that cringy default face close up when I scroll on my journal ?. 

I'm still happy about the learning curve. For now, I focus more on basics regarding the form than on the content itself.

I just need to keep going :) 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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55 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Nah. I had the desire to do that a couple of times, but my English speaking is not fluent, so I backed up right away. I'm not really a camera person, either. And well, speaking of cameras, my phone is currently broken, so I basically don't have a camera 9_9

Mine neither...

Fabricando fit faber. It will be bad, until it gets okay.

And its probably the same for being a camera person. But of course, if you don't have a camera... well.. cased rested for now, I guess :P ?

What other languages do you speak, beside english by the way?

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

Sounds like a balanced plan between theory and practice. So good on you. Especially the systematic approach you're taking.

The most important thing is always the first step, and you've already beaten the biggest challenge and shattered the strongest barriers. The cerebellum will start co-operating from here on, thus making it easier and eventually effortless.

Yup! 

I see primarily two challenges... 1) Posting the first video 2) Keeping in mind that my challenge is a marathon, so I shouldn't slack when it will start to get boring 

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

No problem. I actually would prefer a shaky video over no video at all.

Same here, mate :)

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

7 hours ago, Meta-Man said:

You made the leap, congrats! That wasn’t too bad at all. :)

Thanks!

It was much worse in my head than it was in actuality. The phantom fear itself was the enemy. Like it nearly always is. :P

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Etherial Cat

16 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Fabricando fit faber. It will be bad, until it gets okay.

The word fabricandro sounds like fabrication. I'm guessing the phrase literally means fake it till you make it.

18 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

What other languages do you speak, beside english by the way?

I only speak Arabic in real life, but I know a little French and German (which is where I picked my username from). That's part of the reason for my lack of fluency in speaking English. I think I'm fairly good at writing, but in real time I would be too slow, probably even slower than Adyashanti :D

22 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Keeping in mind that my challenge is a marathon, so I shouldn't slack when it will start to get boring

The second video didn't give me the impression of a challenge, though. It felt calmer, more relaxed, and natural, as expected. But maybe it's just the camera :P


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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54 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

@Etherial Cat

The word fabricandro sounds like fabrication. I'm guessing the phrase literally means fake it till you make it.

Yep. Fabrication comes from fabricando. It means practice makes perfect.

56 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

 

I only speak Arabic in real life, but I know a little French and German (which is where I picked my username from). That's part of the reason for my lack of fluency in speaking English. I think I'm fairly good at writing, but in real time I would be too slow, probably even slower than Adyashanti :D

Nice! I've read that Arabic is one of the hardest language to learn for english speakers, so juggling them like you do must quite be something.

Eckhart Tolle is able to teach in 3 languages (english, german and spanish) in front of an audience, so it is definitely materially possible to do so.

But of course, his teaching isn't much pretentious and he's not going into very technical matters.

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

@Etherial Cat

The word fabricandro sounds like fabrication. I'm guessing the phrase literally means fake it till you make it.

I only speak Arabic in real life, but I know a little French and German (which is where I picked my username from). That's part of the reason for my lack of fluency in speaking English. I think I'm fairly good at writing, but in real time I would be too slow, probably even slower than Adyashanti :D

The second video didn't give me the impression of a challenge, though. It felt calmer, more relaxed, and natural, as expected. But maybe it's just the camera :P

When I was talking about a challenge, I meant that since I plan on making 18 more of these experimental videos in the next 18 days I might get bored and slack off.

But yes! I'm always surprised at the difference between how one can appear vs what someone can experience. I guess I don't appear outrageously nervous, but I wasn't at ease neither.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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7 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Eckhart Tolle is able to teach in 3 languages (english, german and spanish) in front of an audience, so it is definitely materially possible to do so.

O.o

7 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

When I was talking about a challenge, I meant that since I plan on making 18 more of these experimental videos in the next 18 days I might get bored and slack off.

Come on! I have a degree a degree in procrastination, and you don't seem like one of my colleagues or even students :P

7 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

But yes! I'm always surprised at the difference between how one can appear vs what someone can experience. I guess I don't appear outrageously nervous, but I wasn't at ease neither.

Yeah! This is very true for me too. I've realized once that it's completely sufficient for me to just exist where I want to exist, and the rest will do itself by itself.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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Day 3

- Improved the quality through shooting via a camera

- Used as a pretext my will to recreate a juice I had on the night before to try to create a more complex video.

-Experimented with both editing and voice over

This was a great exercise! I was quite busy with figuring out the logistics and dealing with my inner game, so the content itself is not so great. Again, I'm just happy this video exist and I've been out of my comfort zone one more time.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Looking back on the journey

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I just consulted my old journal (AMI: Warm Up). I created it on the the 31 of August last year. So it has been approximately 7 months now. I am happy of the progress made. Each words written have contributed to some emotional release and inner alchemy. I've grown. 

Of course, none of this is perfect. But this imperfection is beneficial. It means that there is room for improvement, for transformation. It means that I am a human walking a path and the way isn't coming to a stop yet. And I think, this inner mutation is nothing but what makes us feel alive. Life is nothing but growth, change, movement. I am glad when I flourish, and each of the post I've made have been a tiny blossom.

The consistency has been the key element for this journal to exist. Without the burning desire to write and release emotions and thoughts, I would not have made it. Honestly, I was dying to share unapologetically my mind, allow myself some tantrums and more than anything else, just showing whatever dorkiness exists in me, not caring if anyone would read it or not and/or judge me. I just wanted to be there as I am.

This journal has also helped me to see myself from a different gaze. It's another relationship that has been created. Of course, it's far from having fixed all my problems regarding this peculiar aspects, but it has open some new dimensions. Which is good enough.

I'm not sure if non-duality teachings approve this message but I am proud of myself for trying. I've always thought that courage was the virtue I lacked the most, but this inner narrative is starting to be challenged. I've been listening to my heart, or my higher self. I need to go in this direction. It just feels right. I need to start sharing and communicating. I think it is just a step towards the path of unity. Being open to others. Engaging with others. Sharing a bit of our essence with others. Not a fake persona. Before I took the time to express myself, I had the impression to be... Less able to ground myself in my authenticity? I don't know.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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