Etherial Cat

A Moving Identity: Settling into Self-Expression

366 posts in this topic

Survival

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A bad word, for the conscious. The root of all evil. How the ego protect itself come what may. An inner mechanism which occurs through physiological and mental form to protect a "self".

For survival, we give away our life. We compromise our authenticity. We lie, cheat, brutalize, pretend, rape, kill. Make bad choices.

We mistake it with sustaining our life. The difference between survival and living is that survival is in the excess of what is needed. Survival is needy-perception. Survival is living out of fear.

Ask yourself.

When are you living and when are you surviving?


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Truth or... mental illnesses?

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21st century western society is an open psychiatric hospital.

You've got either the choice to conform to the normalized insanity or come with a clever way to sustain your independence and protect yourself from being at the fool's mercy. Not necessarily from a survival standpoint, but from a wise stand point.

For this reason, independence from oppressive structure is paramount (as oppression is nothing but the denial of individuation and a compelled loss of integrity). How could you be yourself if social, psychological and physiological pressure is applied to make you bend over and conform to the generic standard of collective madness?

The issue with not being yourself is that you deny your truth. How much are you worth to be puppeted?  How much does cost your integrity loss? You mental sanity? Your time? Your authentic inspiration?

The bill will come. You can't repress what is true. Just delay it with interest. ;) 

Self-deception and especially falling through collective shadow blind spot pattern is the biggest disease of our time. Forget about cancer or even corona.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Fixing my relationship with myself

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In the last months, I have realized how much of the issues that I have are due to me not trusting my ability to deal with situations. I don't trust that I have the ability to cope with some challenges, while they'd be manageable if I'd be more grounded in myself. 

It depends in which life area. A lot of them have to do with a feeling of lack of inner security. And they are often caused by my shadow or my traumas. It's difficult because it seems that they are rooted in deeply anchored emotions which needs to be alchemized. Thus, there is inner resistance as well as outer resistance due to a history of coming from a place of deficit.

I'm fascinated by this phenomenon as it seems that some of the knowledge and skills I have are somewhat transposable to those situations, but I don't manage to create the same energy there.

All would be well, if I could feel more secure. Safe that it will be alright. Know that I'll be resourceful.

Only I can give me that. But how? By doing, for sure. Laying new actions. Reforming the self-image and its energetic imprint. Removing the falsehood.

I had a few weeks ago an interesting series of revelation on the notion of self and personality. It all lays in the memory and identification with past narratives and standards. Some of them totally false and unnecessary. But we fall to them almost by default. Ego, ego, ego.

Transcending the ego by breaking out of the pattern again is key. This is one of the most important aspect of change. Bringing presence to break the wheel of this infernal reproduction. Self-help in that way join spiritual knowledge. Self-actualization is nothing but a form of ego-transcendence. Breaking free from determinism to some more relative "freedom".

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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On writing, self-expression and self-image

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I'm proud to say it. It gets more and more smoothly! It seems long gone the time where I had difficulty to post a thought and take a bit of space in this journaling section.

Now, I write about whatever I like without a feeling of discomfort.

I'm especially proud of the consistency, which seemed to be one of the key aspect to reshuffle the self-image and feeling of being inappropriate. Now I just do. It is not perfect but the feeling of imperfection and shame has worn off.

I've been lately also reading a few tips on how to write better in english and considered re-working on my grammar ( haven't bothered in correcting my shaky highschool basis ). I'm going there little by little.

The ideas are going out. The perpetual feeling of being chocked that I had, which felt literally heavy on my chest and throat seems to also have faded away gradually.

I'm now experimenting with new format and new ways to display ideas. So far, I've always been pushing content from feelings and memory, but I'll soon start taking again a more researched oriented approach to illustrate my points. 

It's all a process.

I also see the improvement of how this journal looks like. I enjoy finding titles and gifs. And seeing how it takes its own ipseity brings me some joy.

When it comes to other expression tools, I've been experimenting with shooting videos as I said and recording audios. It's particularly difficult to record audios in english as well. And I've got the cringiest feeling from realizing that I am a victim to the french accent curse. 

It's funny. I have a special dread for listening to french speakers speaking english. Now I realize... it might have been all of this time some sort of shadow material .

Like, ew, I don't want to sound like that. Do I really sound like that?!! I feel like it comes off as so inaudible and... foreign?  

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

Blog, Youtube channel, fear, cringe and work ethics

So as I said earlier, I've set myself a blog and a youtube channel. 

I've posted two blog post on the blog, and zero video on the youtube channel as of yet.

The main reason why is because I feel resistance. But it's also because I struggle with finding an organization which works. I keep on walking in circle like a mad lion in a cage, wondering how, and what I'm supposed to do with them.

I think its because it goes so far from my comfort zone and self-image, but also because I am new to these environnement. It's the noob curse and learning curve I think.

I see all those people I admire posting interesting, great quality stuff at a fast pace, while I'm being a total potato, unable to make a single decision fast.

I go constantly from content to structure. And then I want to change subject because the subject doesn't resonate anymore! Everything is pretext to embarrassment, self-doubt and a feeling of shame. Also, I want to go faster so I am frustrated from not performing.

I think somewhat I am putting too much pressure upon myself. But I really want to grow! Move on to the next thing. And at the same time I don't. It's a classical case of inner split, I think.

The blog is difficult because of the logistic. Again, I hate writing in english, but I hate even more the perspective of writing both in English and in French on the same page. It looks so messy. But yet, I don't want to do two blogs?! * still running in circles*

The discipline and logistic to adopt leaves me confused, especially when it comes to posting videos.

It seems that first I need to go through my aversion to my self-image and cringe on video. Then it has to do a lot as well with building and crafting  coherant and well structured videos without being a total perfectionist.

I've realized that being a girl makes me need to especially pay well attention before shooting so I'm looking decent. Make up, clothes and hair + content on point. A bit of an ordeal.

Then, oral expression of the content. *facepalm*. Requires staying on point, and not drifting away. 

For all of that it is paramount to channel the right mindset and energy. Not being too much wired towards the outside and pay attention to my looks but focusing on content.

Pretty much the work of an acrobat, I think. :P

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I think what is hard is that it's not only the work, but also the emotional labour which comes with being so out of your comfort zone.

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

Tiny display of affection

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I love the folks of actualized.org.

I'm thankful for what I've learned thanks to this forum and its community.

Everyone has taught me something.

 

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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On Sublimation

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When I scrutinize my construct of self, I notice that there is a strong survival drive laying within it. This survival drive defends what it perceives as its interest. For it, it gets aggressive. I recognize this impulse as a universal experience within the human condition, which is the root of all evil when not properly harnessed.

Before writing those lines, I had recognized the ego on a thought level. But I had never noticed before the underlying, very concrete animalistic emotional energy which lays behind it. 

This force though, seems to me like the impetus for life itself.

When properly harnessed through a healthy relationship towards the inner and outward self, it permutes into a positive force: Love. Love is the mature aspect of this survival drive.

To me, this impulse turns into love when it is held closely by our awareness. It permutes everything from fear and rejection to trust and inclusivity.

---

I'm mind blown that it is only now that I notice this. It gives me the impression that I just stumbled upon my own inner reactor. What can I do with it? ?

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Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Posted (edited)

A few reflections on the self-image

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The more I contemplate it, and the more I perceive how problematic the self-image is when it comes to my relationship to myself.

What appears to me right now, is that the self-image acts as framing. It is limitation, based on past sensations, impressions and experiences. So often, it is just simply no longer true, nor relevant. Which makes it at best an hinderance and at worst a drag when it comes to self-cultivation.

The said self-image is also similar to a monstrous energy sucking computer OS program. And one that is also full of virus. And today I feel like mine is limiting the capacity of my hardware. 

What I notice also is that my self-image is also fragmented. It is not constantly the same. But the fragmentations are rather consistent through my life experience. These selves hold at least partially different content and narratives, but inherently they are similar phenomenon. They are also unified through the fact that "I" experience them.

But each of these selves have a different agenda. They want to go in different directions. I think all of them are at odds and fighting one another. And they alternate as the leader depending on circumstances... Which makes my life sometimes appear schizophrenic.

The wish for unity is not only pragmatic. It is also rational and emotionally needed. The disorganization is draining on an energetic level. Their disintegration into a holistic Self comes as a liberation of this inner thug war.

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Intimacy

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Yesterday, as I was reading through the latest threat that was blowing up on the dating section, I couldn't help a feeling of discomfort and emotional unease after finding out that intimacy wasn't properly valued by some people, when it came to relationship. Some didn't even got the point of it...

So where to begin? 

Intimacy is what allows bridging. It is what allows to see within ourself what is and what allows to see within another. In another word, it is what brings awareness and get one to see the "isness" behind the persona .

Intimacy can be found at several levels, but a complete intimacy occurs when both individual remove their ego armor and get naked, in total vulnerability with another. Thoughts, emotions and the state one finds itself in are shared with as little overlay as possible. And thus, both get to know each other on a deep level, and gift each other awareness. So intimacy is what creates attunement, and accuracy in a relationship. The better the intimacy, the better the relationship.

Intimacy is also often the sister of compatibility. There are little chance that intimacy takes place if both individuals aren't compatible as the ego will most withdraw itself and likely close. 

Any relationship without intimacy is inherently unfulfiling.

And when I hear that some people enjoy sex without intimacy, I just gasp at the thought of how much they must be a bad lay. My body contracts in anxiety at the thought of a disconnected horny beast, unable to read accurately subtile emotions and cues, thinking that this nightmare is sexuality... 

And it's especially bad because women are emotional creatures. And we need a man able to decipher us. Which can only happen through... intimacy!

And I'm not pulling the cover on the female side, because men also need the intimacy. A space to be vulnerable and where this vulnerability is cherished, healed and appreciated.

So Intimacy bridge our heart together. It creates unity. It what brings us together. Definitely not something to see as accessory.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Lesson of the day

Behind all ego-defense mechanism, there is an active will to protect a wound.

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Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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San Pedro micro-dosing, emotions and grounding and actuality

I've been micro-dosing San Pedro lately. I am very sensitive to substance, so a little induce already significant changes.

I just got out of a meditation. I've had to practice body scan in order to induce some pain body healing. 

It is safe to say that my ego-mind has been torturing me lately and I've been dealing with a lot of emotions coming to the surface on top of the usual emotion charges I carry lately. These were induced by the San Pedro, I supposed, which has brought to my attention some repressed memories and traumas.

I've been working during the last years a lot on the integrative path, trying to understand better my psyche and my emotions. And I've used it combined to an intellectual/transcendental path as well. But at the end, it happens that despite all my efforts, I still feel often very much stuck, rotting in my ego. Yet, today during my meditation, as I just stopped escaping my pain and decided to accompany it fully with my awareness I finally got to a place where I was solely the Self. Painbody gone, mind tamed, grounded in body, no overlay.

In this place, there is no need for integration (as the Self is at the forefront), nor any need for excessive-knowledge. So my take on that experience is that grounding and focusing my attention directly on actuality is probably at the end of the day the easiest "way". In this state, most of my ego-related issues vanish, and I'm quite certain that my physiology gets slowly rewired as much as I maintain this awareness or something close to it.

I couldn't help myself but to think that after all, Eckhart Tolle's teaching is probably the simplest there is. What I've done tonight was just fully "being in the now". And it was powerful.

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Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Psychology and authentic self

I'm adding this entry as an addendum to the previous one. My time has been busy reading  "How to do the work" from Nicole LePera both yesterday and today.

And suddenly it stroke me to realize that all our psychological issues are related to a loss of authenticity. So it's another way to put that layers of ego are created each time the Self has been wounded. 

The solution given from LePera and western psychology, is about how to identifies the different pieces of ego and retrieving the Self. 

But it is at the end of the day much easier to proceed in the other direction. Which is also what Eckhart Tolle means when he says that you can know all the aspect of your ego and sit in therapy for decade with little results, but instantly get whole back if you manage to simply be the Self.

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^ Autocongratulating myself for the good job. Yep :P


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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7 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

In this place, there is no need for integration (as the Self is at the forefront), nor any need for excessive-knowledge. So my take on that experience is that grounding and focusing my attention directly on actuality is probably at the end of the day the easiest "way". In this state, most of my ego-related issues vanish, and I'm quite certain that my physiology gets slowly rewired as much as I maintain this awareness or something close to it.

 

7 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

But it is at the end of the day much easier to proceed in the other direction. Which is also what Eckhart Tolle means when he says that you can know all the aspect of your ego and sit in therapy for decade with little results, but instantly get whole back if you manage to simply be the Self.

 

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Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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From a few days ago...

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I've been realizing lately how much I've been dealing with emotion suppression.

It seems like I have a lot to unpack and I feel a bit overwhelmed. To name a few, I'm dealing with a lot of frustration, impatience, fatigue, fears, anger, sadness, envy, jealousy, self-hatred and shame. I'm going through the whole spectrum of what has been found in my experience and I try to express them properly. This article sums well up the process.

I am especially pleased when I get to cry. Because I know that something get out. In an odd way, it feels highly satisfying. 

I just wished that I could focus on my healing without dealing with all the rest of my life situation and current condition


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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On self-help/consciousness work

Both are nothing but the attempt of the individual to move toward the real Self.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Shooting a video

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So today, I've tried shooting a video for 2-3 hours. 

Sometimes it would go well, sometimes it wouldn't.

Shooting videos doesn't come easily to me. I haven't posted on social media for nearly 5 years. So creating a video, as simple as it may seems comes with a lot of insecurities and questions. I couldn't help but be shocked while shooting at what appeared on camera as the social skills of a human who had been raised by a different specie :) :P. Literally, I have zero talent for looking natural and talking in front of a lens like I am doing it with the people I know in real life

Also, my mind goes into all directions. I think what fits me is to prepare the subject thoroughly ahead and follow at least a plan, instead of going there freestyle, not even being sure what I'd wish to talk about like today. A bit of planing content-wise is mandatory.

I've realized that there are dozens of style of doing youtube videos and I'm not sure which one is mine. I think I struggle both with the content and with the format. Videos are quite odds since editing create plenty of options which are hard to grasp. It takes a bit of time for the brain to get use to what is possible. I suppose this must come with experience...

One thing is certain- in any case using a platform like youtube as a content producer isn't as lofty as being on the consumer side.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Just one line... but so many possible meanings...

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Each time I take a step closer to Myself, I take a step closer to You.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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San Pedro Trip:

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Yesterday I had a dose of San Pedro.

The first part of the trip got me in heaven. While it wasn't close to an enlightenment experience, I just experimented a total shift in perception. Suddenly the fear that is usually in me vanished. I experienced trust in myself, and the universe. I was able to feel love for everything and everyone. Love/consciousness/truth itself was irradiating from my consciousness. And I had this distinct knowledge that it is all within me. I felt like all I wanted was this state to always be there.

After I while I tested the light to introspect into darker space of myself. There was an inner collusion between the light and my darkness. In my darkness, I recognized a deep sense of inaptitude that I always have. Slowly the light decreased and I witnessed my mind stating to spin and try to identify with all sort of self-depreciating narrative. A part of my ego kept on telling me it was both evil/bad and inapt and tried to prove it to the other part. It also told me it would be difficult to dislodge that impression because it lays deep within my self-image. I entered into discussion/negociation with it, and after a while decided that I would just observe consciously its behavior and what it had to say and express. During this whole process I was at unease as it tried to drag down my experience at its frequency level, spinning diverse stories designed to harm me.

I concluded after a while that this obnoxious part was nothing but my internalized sense of shame and unworthiness. I came back after the trip with the desire to help that part release gradually its energy. I bought myself 3 books on the subject. I am already half-way and... I was spot on. I recognize a lot of my family dynamics and I'm certain that I've been suffering from a mechanism named "toxic shame". In a nutshell, it means that deeply within myself, a part of me is convinced it is abnormal. As a consequence, it is afraid people discover me as a bad rotten apple.

Why do I have this? Shaming has been unfortunately an unconscious parenting dynamic. I remember being shamed on a regular basis. Comparison, anger/gaslighting while I expressed my feelings/needs, and basically being manipulated through shame to grow up and adopt or drop certain behaviors. Often, it was done through " you are bad". It must have been for sure one hell of an effective technic... ¬¬

Anyway. I am glad to have found some more transparency within my psyche. I'll keep working on my feelings related to shame as I am convinced that it is dragging down significantly my energy level. I've learnt that the feeling of shame that I have manifest through various covered means and it is not as obvious as when you simply embarrass yourself once. It is much more complicated that this.

What I believe is that this feeling prevents me to feel grounded and to trust fully myself. It needs to be released so I can be free.

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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The cat is in fact a fawn

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Quote

Finding your own values and priorities may take some risks. It takes being brave enough to TRUST your own talent and internal knowing of security instead of trusting anything outside of yourself for security. It takes being brave enough to remember who you are again. - Teal Swan

This post just caught my attention as it articulates exactly what I am trying to do currently. Re-ground myself in my inner resilience.

I struggle from inner trust issues sometimes as I am not certain whether I am going in the right direction when I drift away from the norm. I know the norm isn't it, but drawing my own path requires trust in my inner compass. It is particularly difficult when I still have within me internalized narrative of inability and inadequacy.

The truth is, I am both capable of being brilliant and to suck sometimes. I don't think I have been 100% securely attached as a child and I also didn't have positive role model when it came to build a relationship with my animus. So I am still very much afraid to trust that I can be that champion.

Sometimes, I feel like a newborn fawn trying to walk through a hostile world.

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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