RendHeaven

A Bittersweet Life

146 posts in this topic

On 2/14/2021 at 7:04 PM, RendHeaven said:

I want to be the perfect boyfriend. I want to fulfil one girl so utterly and wholly that there's no doubt in anyone's mind that I am the superior lover. In some ways this is egotistical as fuck, but it also comes from a deeper desire to connect and heal.

We've made some good progress on this journey to forge the me-character into the perfect boyfriend.

Except maybe we're no longer doing it for a "girl" character separate from and external to the me-character.

Whatever woman "enters my life" will inevitably be a shard of divine consciousness, literally no different than The Great I Am.

So you could say we're doing this for God. Or even better, we're doing it for Myself.

It's quite lonely, going to such lengths for... myself? and ultimately arbitrary.

I mean we're talking literal blood sweat and tears, day after day (Mostly sweat. Tears on a good day. Blood is rare!) ... and for what?

God is Love regardless of whether or not I work out, do shadow work, hone my compassion, or pursue my life purpose.

All this human shit is so meaningless, and yet I do it because it feels right.

There's a subtle in-the-moment joy every time I build this character towards greatness.

As fiercely as I desire women, this unique joy might be even better.

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Posted (edited)

I got a little sidetracked from my LP by watching all of Attack of Titan for the past 2 days lol.

Play the music below while reading:

In this anime, there is just so much death and brutality and it challenged the aspects of me that naively thinks, "Hey guys why don't we just have compassion for each other's POVs?"

Although the delivery of the show is SD stage yellow - since the audience sees through ALL of the conflicting POVs, such that we no longer know who to root for -  the characters themselves within the show are SD stage red-orange. Within the world of Attack on Titan, SD stage green+ simply has not evolved into existence yet.

It's amazing how much we take survival for granted. Being a hippie-dippie saint straight up got you killed just a couple centuries ago (and now think about the millennia of human civilization!)

I realized viscerally that there's a certain beauty to mastering survival - to face the cruelties of life by becoming strong... physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and persevering no matter the odds. It's a very masculine orientation towards the world but something about it makes me tear up in a way that gentle love can't match.

I recall reading the Iliad and Odyssey and hating that their definition of honor was constrained to the narrow realm of military might. I thought that such a definition was simply chalked up to poor epistemology. But finally... finally, I understand what "honor" really meant for the ancient Greeks. Not just intellectually, but emotionally. Their "honor" was not merely egoic violence, but it was also the reverence of embodying warrior energy.

I feel as though I've recently become overly light + fluffy in my demeanors and proclivities. The truth is, there's a killer in my heart somewhere and I now strive to honor it (energetically, obviously).

I'd go as far as to say that this is probably the case for most self-identifying men. There's a reason video games are so overwhelmingly worshipped by guys - it's a chance for us to to acknowledge our inner killers temporarily even if it's a fantasy.

Edited by RendHeaven

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@RendHeaven There's definitely a value in brutality of raw survival, that many people this day and age take for granted. It wasn't just that people back then didn't know any better (although that's also the case; however, again easy to be an intelectual from our comfortable chairs and computers, and other priviliges of 21st century), but also they simply had little choice but to be brutal.

Leo talked about this in his video about dark, brutal side of Love. One of the examples he didn't mention in that specific video, was that basically almost all of the modern cities we see around the world, were build back in ancient times on the back of slaves. London, Rome, Athens, Paris... you name it😁 We should be gratefull for this brutal side of reality just as much as the tender, lovey-dovey side.

Btw, Attack of titan is arguably the best anime ever made in my opinion. Mostly for the reasons you've already mentioned😃

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7 hours ago, Peter Miklis said:

We should be gratefull for this brutal side of reality just as much as the tender, lovey-dovey side.

@Peter Miklis When we realize Oneness, we tend to become tender by default, because we no longer have anything to attack or defend.

From this 'space' that is absent of egoic will, we find it most authentic to share and connect, for that is what is True... interconnectedness is inevitable and it furthermore necessarily has the quality of tenderness rather than callousness, as the former involves expanded and understanding energy while the latter involves petty, dense energy.

In a Cosmic sense, I've come to realize that it's far more noble/honorable to "lay down your arms" and to "turn the other cheek" rather than to insist on being a fighter. But to authentically pull that off requires a titanic degree of transcendence which I've yet to fully come to terms with.

As long as I'm playing a character then, dammit, let's strive to be a fighter!

This is one of those moments I think where you can't really have true transcendence before you first burn away your worldly karma by getting your hands dirty.

8 hours ago, Peter Miklis said:

Btw, Attack of titan is arguably the best anime ever made in my opinion.

I agree. I'm still shocked by how pixels on a screen paired with soundwaves made me feel such a variety of strong emotions.

I wish to move people in a similar manner some day.

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Posted (edited)

The fact that God has made God-deniers out of Himself and that this is the Highest Love 🤣🤣🤣

This is so fucking absurd and amazing...

Edited by RendHeaven

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On 2/16/2021 at 9:03 AM, RendHeaven said:

Reposting this because it's so damn powerful.

Especially what she says at the end while crying.

"This song is about... getting through(/over) it all... painful things included, no matter how painful it gets, you must keep living."

Lyrical translation:

"Goodbye" and "Thank you" at the top of my voice
What's more important than grief?
Hoping that they reach you as we part
In time for warmth and pain

I thought it would always be like this
I envisioned our days to come
Why, when our lights are calling out each other
Still burn deep in our hearts?

We meet amidst a blaze journey
Coming together, then letting go for the sake of our future
Every time dream comes true, I'll remember you
"Wishing to become stronger, I cried
With my resolvе as a parting gift"

Held captive by nostalgic memoriеs
Wailing at the cruelty of this world
There will be even more as I grow older
I never want to lose anything again

By succumbing to the grief
I might not feel pain anymore
By your words (your words)
Your wishes (your wishes)
I swear to protect them to the end

With a roar, it's crumbling down
Our one and only, irreplaceable world

The bundle of bursting light that I reached out for and held so close
Shimmered, then disappeared for the sake of the future
Going beyond the happiness and promise I've entrusted
I'll keep moving forward without glancing back
Looking straight ahead, I'm going to cry out
Lighting the flame in my heart
Until I reach the distant future

We're finally learning this on the piano, after months of scouring for good sheet music.

This is so personally meaningful...

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Posted (edited)

On 6/29/2021 at 11:31 AM, RendHeaven said:

I'm still addicted to physical beauty.

Attachment to appearance is so hard to shake off...

Lately I've had a frightening degree of appreciation for the aesthetic appearance of anime guys.

I don't think it's sexual attraction in the sense that my dick doesn't get hard in the way it does for the female form, but I get strong energetic chills nonetheless. With the male aesthetic, it's more full-body for me. My heart rate goes up and my eyes narrow in sync with the picture... I might smirk as though I were posing for a modelling shoot. I start breathing deeper and heavier instinctively, the killer in me is brought out. It's almost as if the spirit of the the image takes me over.

It feels really good.

At this rate, I'm happier staring at hot guys rather than hot girls lol.

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Edited by RendHeaven

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Posted (edited)

Listening to Leo's new video, I can't believe how blessed I am.

In all of my psychedelic experiences, I've managed to dance around every single pitfall through sheer higher-intuition.

It's been 100% upsides and 0% downsides. There is no "catch." It feels like I'm hacking life.

Having high self-esteem, having survival handled, being grounded in your psychology, purifying your biases; IT ALL PAYS OFF!

Edited by RendHeaven

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Posted (edited)

Very very very interesting video to watch.

I found myself cringing/rooting "against" the manspreading guy for the majority of the video, despite him saying all the right things.

He has all the right ideas about spirituality, gratitude, bliss, love, God. But his delivery is so forced, it's clear that he's worrying about his public self-image and overcompensating. Maybe a hint of arrogance also. If you go to the comments, everyone's roasting him.

But my opinion changed near the end. Owen and the crowd was [too] ruthless with him many times. I felt the social gunfire that manspreading guy was enduring, and really felt bad for him. Reminds me of my past.

For example, at one point manspreading guy said that his happiness level was a 12/10 and Owen straight up said "he's lying to himself" at 26:09 (which I think is true, but the takedown was so seamless-)

There were many moments where Owen would purposefully "bully" manspreading guy by asking questions that made him stumble - and the crowd would laugh at manspreading dude's expense. For example, 33:22-34:40. And you can tell that manspreading guy's ego took a huge hit. No matter how spiritual he is, you can tell that he wants to be respected and not laughed at.

Owen's such an interesting character. He knows intellectually and energetically about all of this spiritual stuff, but he doesn't seem to hold much reverence for it. His lifestyle and delivery indicates that he's attached to material success, despite him purporting to have a balanced spiritual/material life. He pays lip service to ekhart tolle while maintaining a stubborn ego. It's clear that he hasn't gone deep down the rabbit hole. he's basically keeping one leg in the hole - just enough to appear explorative without going any further.

I remember Leo wrote in a post once that Owen has the potential to be a serious "Warrior Sage" - a Legendary once in a generation Alan Watts-like public figure that popularizes awakening.

I agree. Owen's public speaking is a cut above anybody else I've ever encountered on the internet. Owen blows Leo away in terms of presentation/optics. If only Owen took spirituality seriously... but alas he does not.

It's a tall order, but I wonder if I can one day fill the vacant shoes of Owen's unactualized potential spiritual impact. Owen and Leo are my two greatest influences, they've shaped me more than any other teacher (more than even my parents). I'm literally the secret love-child of Owen and Leo.

Edited by RendHeaven

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Posted (edited)

Leo is actually lightyears "ahead" of you or I in terms of existential insight.

It's so interesting to see how sorely we all underestimate him on this forum.

Noobies and even "advanced" people alike assume that they are arguing with Leo at the same level of paradigm, but really there are about a million paradigms in between.

I also see so many criticisms that entirely miss the mark - such as "oh he isn't embodied enough" or "I don't feel love when watching his videos."

Lol. Maybe you're right. I feel that way too, a lot.

But that doesn't change the cosmic wormhole of an insight gap that differentiates your self-serving ideas from Leo's teachings.

For you to understand Leo, you need to die. And stay dead. And if you ever reach that point, you're literally too ascended to argue or critique or enforce any perspectives.

Too many people here are kick'n and alive, myself included.

Edited by RendHeaven

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@RendHeaven I'd argue that what is truly alive can never die ;)

Hehe, a great example is this comment right here:

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/69536-increase-in-vaccine-coercion/?do=findComment&comment=956323

Quote
Quote
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Personally I think it's really scary where this is going.

Vaccines have alway been mandatory for school. So your whole logic is silly.

Without vaccines you get the Black Death of Europe. Killed 100+ million. 1/3rd of the population.

Don't be a fool. Your body is not just your body. Your body only exists thanks to a collective.

Sorry Leo but this is the stupidest thing I ever heard you say. So when a psychiatrist tells me to load my body full of Xanax and go through years of unimaginable pain and suffering I should just accept that too because "it's not my body" anyway? Or when a woman wants to get abortion and she's not allowed to, it's fine because it's not her body anyway, right? Do some introspection on this one because what you just said is very dumb. Sometimes you need the high perspective but sometimes you need the down to Earth, grounded perspective. And this falls into the latter category. My body is my choice and if the government interferes with that then I'll fight to my dying breath to maintain that essential right.


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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7 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

@RendHeaven I'd argue that what is truly alive can never die ;)

Haha yeah, no argument there. Death is literally nothing, after all. When I wrote "For you to understand Leo, you need to die. And stay dead." That sentiment comes from a very human POV.

7 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Hehe, a great example is this comment right here:

Beautiful example. I was thinking more of certain people who deny that Reality = Love (and furthermore those who parrot these words without any personal Realization to back it up) or those who co-opt or vehemently fight against the idea of "solipsism," but that is all understandable when we realize that we can't even be on the same page regarding something as simple and one-dimensional (relatively speaking) as vaccines.

But I can't say I'm shocked or judgmental in the slightest. All is according to plan - not a single event out of place.

On 7/19/2021 at 0:02 PM, RendHeaven said:

The fact that God has made God-deniers out of Himself and that this is the Highest Love 🤣🤣🤣

This is so fucking absurd and amazing...

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2 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

When I wrote "For you to understand Leo, you need to die. And stay dead." That sentiment comes from a very human POV.

So, I guess the ;) wasn't out of place... :D

3 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:
  On 19.7.2021 at 9:02 PM, RendHeaven said:

The fact that God has made God-deniers out of Himself and that this is the Highest Love 🤣🤣🤣

This is so fucking absurd and amazing...


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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Dear fucking God I'm so moved by human excellence, it's like some of these guys are straight up possessed, just the sheer level of skill and mastery... makes me shiver and almost tear up.

Thinkin' of you, Jacob -_-

 

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