RendHeaven

A Bittersweet Life

85 posts in this topic

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me yesterday.

There is nothing but contradiction within me - between letting go and holding on - between fear and Love.

Overwhelmingly, I feel loss. This is intellectually understood as imaginary, but I can't think my way out of this one.

She really was the "best of the best." 10/10 in thoughtfulness, compassion, and physical beauty.

A stage yellow soul with enthusiastic submissiveness. For a self-described spiritual & heterosexual male, it doesn't get better than this.

I am afraid that I will never find anyone like her ever again.

I am afraid that someone else will "enjoy her benefits" whereas I no longer can (sounds disgusting writing it out like that but that is how I feel).

Her sexuality and validation being aimed solely at me gave me feelings of superiority, and now that has all come crashing down. I have this delusion that if someone else "attains" her sexuality and validation, that somehow "dethrones" me.

This is ALL so selfish, selfish, selfish.

I am currently quarantined in a rural area with my parents. This adds to the feeling that I'll never find someone like her ever again. I went on Tinder for one day and became jaded seeing all these party girls with heavy makeup (yes, I am aware of how arrogant that sounds).

It's interesting that my immediate reaction is to try to convince myself that there is still someone else just like her still out there.

Why do I feel like I must have a (very specific kind of) woman at my side to feel complete?

It really, really sucks because I don't want to be this way. Deep down I want to be a touchstone of pure love, and it feels so gross to admit that I am currently a vessel of fear.

I want to talk to @Nahm (mostly for comfort) but I know that as wise as he is, there is nothing that he can give me which I cannot give myself. Still debating whether or not I should reach out.

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Everything is bittersweet.

My entire field of consciousness is bittersweet. From the walls in my room, to the food on my plate, to the air I breathe. Every online interaction, every desire to improve or stagnate.

It's bitter because it all feels so empty, but somehow it all takes my breath away. 

Life has never looked simultaneously so beautiful yet so grey.

I am currently 21 years old. I can intuitively recognize that this is an incredible opportunity for me to discover and pursue my life purpose full-steam-ahead:

Still, I am held back in this area due to fear. I have so many feelings of "I don't know" regarding my life purpose. What exactly I want to do is lost on me, but I do know my strengths. Still, are they marketable strengths? I don't know. Even if they are, not knowing how I should market them seems to hold me back.

In fact, this is one of the reasons that I was dumped. She felt like I was making her my #1 priority (which I was) and in a cosmic sense, the divine goddess within her actually broke up with me as a reminder for me to find myself.

I think it's time I fucking buy the LP course.

This quality of bittersweetness is something I'd like to focus on in my life purpose. I don't think it's a coincidence that for the longest time, my go-to music has always been bittersweet:

I wonder if I can touch the hearts of others out there by somehow wielding my personal suffering.

I am at my weakest right now but perhaps also at my strongest in a twisted way. I only say this based on my intuition; by every other measure, I just feel weak.

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I keep thinking of this quote by Leo:

"It should be your goal and dream to die alone. Enjoy people while you are here, but when it comes to death, this is too profound to do other than alone. Don't allow idiots to interfere with your facing of death."

What an absolute warrior. I long to be so brave one day.

I wonder if Leo has ever felt the way I feel right now.

Edited by RendHeaven

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Thoughts after re-reading my original post:

Some men cannot even attract an "average" girl into their lives, and here I am bemoaning a circumstance from the past which most men would kill for.

It's incredible that no matter how much you attain, you still manage to create suffering.

Where the fuck is my humility and gratitude? Well, I'm doing my best to recognize it right now as I write.

Nonetheless, I am at ~10% gratitude, 90% fear, loss, etc.

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Also, my age is definitely showing.

Maybe some older members here are smiling internally when I declare that this girl was perfect at the age of 21.

I wonder how much of that is self-deception and how much of it is true.

It's really, really, really hard to tell.

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Notice also that my post focused exclusively on my perspective. She, of course, has her own slew of emotions, motivations, dreams, desires, and fears.

I imagine that she is actually suffering more than me right now. When she broke up with me over Zoom (lol, quarantine) she cried far more than I did.

Edited by RendHeaven

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45 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

This is ALL so selfish, selfish, selfish.

You’re learning the old saying “once bitten twice shy” imo. I feel for ya, and you will heal and be the better for it. 

I recognize this is a swift change of perspective being offered here and hope it helps. My wife & I (45) met when we were 5, and ‘coupled up‘ at around 22. Within our relationship, we each went through what you’re going through, and that was without even separating. We each went through it because we saw something we’d innocently done to ourselves. We had mentally convinced ourselves that the love was coming from the other person. We came to terms so to speak. We acknowledged to ourselves and to each other that “I’ll be with you today, if and because that’s what I want”. Not because of any need, or obligation. Only if we want to, and only each day. Experientially, this was like each of us willfully choosing to rip our own hearts out and return them to God, where they already always were really. It was just getting with what is actual. It was not an overnight process, and it won’t be for you either, so don’t expect it to be, don’t rush the healing, relax & breathe as much as possible, and receive it. But what’s at the other end of that tunnel so to speak, it so beautiful, so free, so childlike, that there aren’t words for it. 

The “selfish / selfless” lens imo isn’t serving you at all. I have a hunch it is sort of being used against yourself, as a way to blame, yourself, while yourself is always loving yourself really. No more blaming yourself. Any person would have done exactly what you did in your shoes. We’re all doing our best. It’s really just a thought, and I wouldn’t put much stock in it.

Something else my wife & I committed to years ago, was never again apologizing to each other. That initially sounds weird & nuts, but what we found is that it essentially keeps the energy (intention) of any words said or any behaviors exhibited, with the one who dealt it, if you will. That really drives home the slowing down, being aware, ‘owning it’, etc. I think we tend not to do what we know we will not have the opportunity to apologize for later. I don’t know if this point ‘clicks’ applicable to self love, but maybe it brings some clarity to any hindsight thinking transpiring. As in, there is more clarity that how I feel is less caused by her (sorry, I know it hurts) and more the product of how I’m looking at things, and the relationship between me & source. (That’s what hurts, and that’s why the selfish / selfless thinking might not be ideal). 

45 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

This adds to the feeling that I'll never find someone like her ever again

It takes time. If you can, throw your hands up and the whole situation and give it to God. Feel some comfort in just saying everything is working out just like it should be, even if I don’t see it, and even if I’m hurting today. God see’s everything, and is always loving you no matter what. We see little really. But we sometimes think we see it all. It’s the human condition, and you are not at all alone in that. We’re all in it with ya. 

46 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

Why do I feel like I must have a (very specific kind of) woman at my side to feel complete?

(Sorry) Because you mentally attributed the awesome feeling to coming from her, and or being with her. While she sounds like a real catch and I sympathize with the loss of the relationship and her companionship, the love was never coming from her. It was always within you, and it is within you now. Let go of thinking as much as possible, and take care of yourself. Do things you like. Listen to music you connect with. Go for walks multiple times a day. Captivate yourself with the beauty of this place, to give your mind a rest. Slowly but surely you’ll be feeling the awesomeness again, but this time, you will recognize yourself, and this place is attraction based. You attracted her. Don’t fall for the cover stories of coincidences & circumstances - take the credit - you attracted her because of who you really are, and the kind of person you are. Heal up, let go, heal up, let go. :) And mark my words, if you think she was a catch, wait’ll you meet the next one. She’s gonna blow your mind. 

46 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

there is nothing that he can give me which I cannot give myself.

Truer words were never spoken. ♥️ And at the same time, no need to create more dualities. We’re all in this together. Nothing wrong with going about it as such. If & when I need some help, I just get some help. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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Fear results from not feeling. Feel. Cry the eyes out. Fear disappears. 

No “sizing things” up for at least 3 days. 

Maybe 10 days. 

Meh, a year. 

Maybe never size things up actually. 

Just let source do it’s incredible things for ya. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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37 minutes ago, Nahm said:

And mark my words, if you think she was a catch, wait’ll you meet the next one. She’s gonna blow your mind. 

If in 70 years this doesn't happen, I'm gonna hunt you down NAHM >;)

Thank you for the kind words and wisdom. 

Honestly, just an acknowledgement of my feelings is very healing. I'll admit, that is half of the reason that I started this journal.

34 minutes ago, Nahm said:

No “sizing things” up for at least 3 days. 

Maybe 10 days. 

Meh, a year. 

Maybe never size things up actually. 

Haha :D

Working on it, chief.

You're watching an analytical mind learning to let go. Progress is slow~ :P

I'd love to speak one on one with you again but maybe in a week or two.

I feel that solitude is the best for now!

Edited by RendHeaven

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@RendHeaven You are so much more loved than you could ever imagine.


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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9 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

You're watching an analytical mind learning to let go. Progress is slow~ :P

That is life right there. :) 

Anytime. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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Some late-night contemplations leading me to post twice in a day :P

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Did I love her for who she really is, or for my self-serving image of her?

It's very tricky because if I'm honest, it's a dense mix of both.

The easy answer is that there was genuine love for "the real her" to some degree but my self-serving image of her subtly corrupted that originally purer love.

However, I get mind-fucked the more paradigms I expand into: at certain higher levels, the entire relationship could be seen as pure delusion and self-serving image-loving. Whatever it was that I'd like to call "pure love" was false idol worship.

And yet... I did feel love. Unmistakable. I will continue to ponder this...

What's really illuminating for me is that I've realized that all of my remaining attachments to her are actually attachments to my self-serving image of her.

For example, I don't want her fucking other dudes because she's super hot and submissive (attributes that I want to personally monopolize).

"The real her" is an angel of free expression and compassion. I wholeheartedly respect that and encourage her to spread her gift. The more people that get to experience her soul, the better... and I am completely ok with this, until the moment it comes to SEX.

Instantly, my mind begins to isolate and extract the attributes "hot" and "submissive," creating a story of how she is now a limited asset.

That says a lot about me :(

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On Physical Beauty:

I undeniably desire a simultaneously "personally developed" but also "hot" girl. It cannot be one or the other for me at the moment.

The "personally developed" part makes sense given my own values but the "hot" part seems out of place for a self-proclaimed lover of wisdom.

Intellectually, I understand that physical beauty is only skin-deep, but I can't shake the gut feeling that a "hot" girl is somehow more valuable than an "average" looking girl in a romantic relationship.

This is shallowness and perhaps even misogyny on my part - plain and simple - but I'm not sure what to do about it. The obvious answer is to "let go," but I'm shocked to find that letting go of female beauty is one of the hardest things I can imagine. It's right up there with fear of death.

In fact, I have fantasized about and worshipped physical female beauty from a young age. Destroying that is synonymous to destroying me.

I definitely have a lot of sexual karma and immaturity to burn off.

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Overall though, I'm handling this way better than I thought I would.

It's still only day 2, but I'm already feeling hopeful.

I was listening to Russell Brand talk about heartbreak in a YouTube video when one of the comments caught my eye:

JnPCCSy.png

It actually made me laugh, both at myself & the universe.

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Some more bittersweet music:

 

Edited by RendHeaven

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7AgJ8GX.png

I did it. FUCK yeah!

I honestly don't know what to expect.

All I know is that I AM ready for real change.

This is finally my way of saying "thank you" to LEO after absorbing free video content for 4+ years.

It feels good.

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I woke up today feeling empty but optimistic

I don't know what to make of this.

Maybe there is nothing to make of this.

Today's mood:

I wonder if this "emptiness" is actually exactly what Leo speaks of.

Maybe it has always been here, but I was just using her to avoid it?

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I still have brief thoughts like:

Now that she is single, other dudes are free to pummel her with their filthy cocks.

This makes me grit my teeth and feel all sorts of unpleasantness.

It's almost as if her having sex with other guys is a violation of ME... even more so if she enjoys it.

This is so backwards, hypocritical, and misogynistic. I fantasize about fucking and cumming inside a variety of women all the time (even during the time that I was committed to her in all of her amazingness).

If she sincerely enjoys sex with other people, how could I possibly condemn her for that in good faith?

My sense of entitlement to her sexuality is a weakness of titanic proportions.

There is no doubt in my mind that this weakness underpins her reasons for breaking up with me, even though she did not spell it out to my face.

For reference, her explicit reasons for breaking up were: feeling boxed-in, feeling controlled, feeling defined in terms of [me] and not in terms of [herself].

I want to be strong.

If I really loved her, I would accept her as she flies away.

So, I will accept her as she flies away.

It's that simple.

Edited by RendHeaven

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Day 4. It is currently 6:00am.

Every night I have vivid dreams of her, but last night's was especially painful.

It's funny; by the time the clock strikes noon, I am completely accepting of fate.

However at night, my dreams unite us again temporarily only for her to dissolve back into the trenches of my imagination as I jolt awake.

It feels so unfair because I don't choose the content of my dreams, right? :(

Or so it feels...

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In the dream, we were simultaneously on a first and last date.

We were exploring a grand city as though it were our first time ever, yet cosmic intuition told me that this would be our last. As incredible as it all was, I knew separation was inevitable.

At every turn, all of her good qualities - and only her good qualities - were on full display:

She was funny and charming with a brilliant smile. She would sing for me and we would tell each other all of our secrets.

I've made a big deal about the act of sex for the majority of this thread, but this dream has made me realize how deeply I long for the non-sexual things (in activity, at least. Ideally, subtle sexual tension is omnipresent~).

I miss her giggle, the timbre of her voice, the softness of her eyes and touch, the way she didn't hold back anything, and the free nature of her spirit. Her openness (vulnerability) was unparalleled.

I long for all of her: sex is only relevant to mention as a personal insecurity.

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Inevitability is one of the most bittersweet emotions possible.

The emotion of inevitability is like the unspoken intuition that all things of the material world will come to pass.

No formed thing will ever be eternal, and that makes me wistful.

But at the same time, how could it be any other way? Imagine being stuck with a never-ending, never-changing thing of the material world.

You'd probably get so sick of it that you'd let it go yourself!

I intuit from the depths of my being that loss is astronomically beautiful.

We just tend not to acknowledge it because it hurts.

I will continue to contemplate inevitability.

Edited by RendHeaven

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Day 5.

For the first time, I slept soundly with no painful dreams. I wonder if that's significant.

I bailed on one of my online Zoom classes today.

Why? Because she is also in that same class.

Even though I'm starting to feel content and self-sufficient again, just the thought of squaring up to the image of her (beautiful) face is painful.

It's clear that there is a difference in "letting go" while I'm in solitude vs. "letting go" when she's inescapably in front of me.

I will be tested in this area even more if students are allowed back on campus (we go to an extremely small school and share the same friend group).

Our next Zoom class together is in 2 days... by then it'll have been a week since the separation.

I promise myself right now that I will not back out of this next class.

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I might post again tonight with more contemplative insights.

Edited by RendHeaven

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Day 6.

No dreams again. I rarely think about her anymore, but my mood has gone sour.

I am irritable and snappy toward my mom who is trying her best to reach out and be supportive.

I don't like that I am like this :(

The fact that there is this dense energy in me, but the associated images are NOT my ex, tells me that this is a battle between me and myself.

It's always been between me and myself, hasn't it?

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Me from 6 days ago was so wrapped up in her.

This was expected and inevitable, but also wow.

Obviously, I still long for the positive memories we shared, and I am no doubt still sexually insecure + prone to viewing women through a lens of personal gain.

Still, these thoughts no longer runs loops in my mind anymore. At this point, I feel more of an existential conflict that is hard to put to words.

As flawed as I am, it is all a part of my journey, and that wholistic picture is beautiful.

Deep down I feel a transcendent love for women.

I know that my current immaturity will dissolve with the flow of time.

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I will begin to transition this journal from talking about my past relationship to talking about my life purpose + a more broad view of personal healing.

Edited by RendHeaven

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@RendHeaven  I like the path this journal will take :)

3 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Deep down I feel a transcendent love for women.

Can you elaborate on this more?

3 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I am irritable and snappy toward my mom who is trying her best to reach out and be supportive.

Are you consciously acting towards her in that manner? If you say you don't like your own behavior towards her, do you keep making her aware that you are still in a state of "confusion" & "finding yourself"?

On 27.10.2020 at 6:27 PM, RendHeaven said:

squaring up to the image of her (beautiful) face is painful.

On 27.10.2020 at 6:27 PM, RendHeaven said:

I will be tested in this area even more if students are allowed back on campus (we go to an extremely small school and share the same friend group).

That is the beauty of unresolved matters; they come up again & again until delved into.

While I recognize this, I too struggle with that alot. It just feels good to embrace your contrated ways, to embrace these ways of being despite wanting to disconnect. Staying connected, being with yourself. Wow, that got me crying.

I look forward to reading your journey.


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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@Loving Radiance Thanks for the encouragement!

9 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Can you elaborate on this more?

It's hard to put to words. A good half of me has been viewing women as a subject to manipulate for personal gain, but underneath that all, I have a genuine desire to care for, support, and understand them.

This more genuine desire is not selfish, and I'd like to tap into it more.

9 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Are you consciously acting towards her in that manner? If you say you don't like your own behavior towards her, do you keep making her aware that you are still in a state of "confusion" & "finding yourself"?

No, I go unconscious when I snap at my mom... I always think, "What have I done?" in hindsight and end up apologizing.

She knows what I'm going through. I will try to show her more gratitude :)

9 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

It just feels good to embrace your contracted ways, to embrace these ways of being despite wanting to disconnect. Staying connected, being with yourself. Wow, that got me crying.

I am so glad you shared this! I will remember it.

I am only recently beginning to see the power of short quotes.

All my life, I've treated short quotes as cheesy and meaningless (and from a certain perspective, they are).

However, it seems like you really have to suffer before your eyes open up to the beauty of small things :)

In that sense, suffering is a great gift.

 

Edited by RendHeaven

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Lol I sound like such a whipped bitch reading over this.

I'm so grateful for this opportunity to re-center myself.

I don't have time to write today (I have a week of schoolwork to catch up on which my depressed-ass put off), so I will write over the weekend.

I am grounded, driven, free, and wise. What the fuck am I bemoaning? LOL:x

Power within. Love for all.

 

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It's been 1 whole week.

On 10/27/2020 at 10:27 AM, RendHeaven said:

Our next Zoom class together is in 2 days... by then it'll have been a week since the separation.

Lol, this^ was such a non-issue.

Yes, she was beautiful as fuck. But why should that bother me? ;)

Yes, I felt awkward for the first 2 minutes, trying to "act natural" on camera haha.

But I just let it happen, and I felt really good.

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In fact, this is the best I've felt in months.

I am finally grabbing life by the balls.

I've been following @Michael569's advice here where he details concrete and practical small steps to feeling better instantly.

An ice cold shower in the morning followed by a healthy protein-fruit smoothie with a serving of pumpkin/sunflower seeds WHILE BATHING IN SUNLIGHT has me feeling GODLY :x

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I sincerely hope that my ex is thriving.

She deserves the whole world.

I think I've completely let go of my egoic attachments to her at this point.

Ranting about my sexual insecurities on this thread has actually helped a lot. I'm sure they still exist but I don't feel weighed down by them.

I look forward to the single life, and I know that I will be an Avatar of unwavering Strength and Love for whomever I dance with next.

I will post one final word on the relationship this weekend.

The journal will continue under the theme of "Thriving" :D

Edited by RendHeaven

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8 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I am finally grabbing life by the balls.

I've been following @Michael569's advice here where he details concrete and practical small steps to feeling better instantly.

An ice cold shower in the morning followed by a healthy protein-fruit smoothie with a serving of pumpkin/sunflower seeds WHILE BATHING IN SUNLIGHT has me feeling GODLY :x

^_^ glad you found it helpful 


MY WEBSITE  I help young ambitious men who struggle with chronic health problems to awaken their mind & body, to get well and to get aligned with their passion. DM me if you'd like to chat about how I can help you. 

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22 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I am grounded, driven, free, and wise. What the fuck am I bemoaning? LOL:x

Lovely. Matt Kahn once said that "having a high vibration" really only means recovering quickly. It's not that adversity doesn't happen, or that feelings aren't real, but you just let life take you down deep in a short amount of time. Down there, you gather your lessons and your level of maturity and integration then allows you to move on rather quickly.

He also defined "disappointment" by the chance other people give you to return to your own power. "Oh look, I thought others could give me what I can't give myself and it came flying back in my face. Maybe it's time to try something different. Thanks^_^"


My YouTube channel: "The Inward Morning"

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

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A Love Letter to Myself (if I ever backslide) + Anyone in Need:

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Did you really think that she was eternal? You really thought that separation would never happen?

Of course not. You've always known that one day it will all be over, and yet you pretended otherwise.

Your entire attitude was separation-prevention and yet in the end, you separated.

Why did you ever insist on clutching and guarding so vehemently? 

It's as they all say:

 

          "She was never yours, it was just your turn."

 

How many times do you need to learn this lesson? You've already been here in this very same spot in a distant past. 

 

         "Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me..."

 

But fool me thrice? Maybe I really am a fool.

This lesson will reoccur until you fucking learn. Still, at this point, what is left but to smile?

You live and learn. Life goes on.

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Never forget that heartbreak is genuinely beautiful.

Astonishingly, mercilessly beautiful.

The whole world experiences heartbreak. It was never about you. 

EVERY individual goes through this experience in one form or another.

It's no wonder that Juice Wrld was such an outrageously loved artist: his life purpose was to convey the universality of loss and pain through beautiful music... 

… Just, Wow!

Your entire lived experience is colored by your heartbreak and loss, such that the very air around you is vibrant with your sorrow.

Isn't this true? Isn't air itself heavier? This is not an accident.

The material world and all of life resonates with your loss. The whole process is infinitely larger than your narrow view.

Don't think for a damned second that you are alone.

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Your potential is literally unlimited. Within you is the combined might of a thousand gods and more.

Never settle.

Never sell yourself short.

Dream the biggest dream you can muster.

 

         "Shoot for the moon - even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars."

 

It's unbelievable that you lost sight of this.

As perfect as she was, isn't it true that you were settling?

Your foolishness really had nothing to do with her. It was never about her.

You were a fool for forgetting who you are.

═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════

This chapter closes with Gratitude.

You will not be a vessel of resentment, jealousy, regret, anger, or dense sorrow.

None of this is you.

She was nothing but a goddess blessing you with gifts at every turn: From union; lessons in freedom, self-knowledge, and love; to ultimately separation... all of these gifts, and what do you have to show for it? Sorrow? Regret? Are you fucking kidding?

Wake up! Though you may not see it now, separation was actually the greatest gift of them all.

 

          "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You..."

 

All of this is the Universe reminding you to remember who you are.

It's about time.

Edited by RendHeaven

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@Michael569 @flume :x

On 10/30/2020 at 6:14 PM, flume said:

"Oh look, I thought others could give me what I can't give myself and it came flying back in my face. Maybe it's time to try something different. Thanks^_^"

I cannot even begin to express the true depth of these words.

All I can do is laugh-_-

 

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