Resources for Relationship Mastery

[Mada_]

Do you have any recommended resources for relationship Mastery? 

Things like:

- Integral relationships

- Communication skills

- Couples therapy/group therapy

- Relational spiritual practice

- Right association (sangha) / positive peer group 

- Conscious marriage

 

 I copied this list off of a post @lacsativ shared a while ago, regarding an Integral Practice model. 

Thanks. 

[peqkno]

Found this a while ago, but haven't looked much into it.

couples line of development

from: https://drtomhabib.com/a-couples-line-of-development-t

and https://thewisdomfactory.net/intimate-couples-becoming-2nd-tier-explorers-with-tom-habib-ph-d/

[NatureB]

@peqkno Wow that is amazing.

@Mada_ Cleaning up your relationships with each of your parents will do wonders for anyone. That should be the foundation, in my opinion. This is because your relationship with your parents, especially your opposite sex parent, will taint your relationships today with your current partner. I recommend The Truth by Neil Strauss as well to get a good example of what this looks like. Plus the book is hilarious.

Leo has some awesome books on his reading list which I will not name. But they are helping me personally.

And if you are on instagram I recommend the page the.holistic.psychologist

Good luck!

[peqkno]

@Mada_ Other resources that came to mind would be David Deida's books and seminars (these would fall into "relational spiritual practice" afaik). "Dear Lover" is one of his books which is for women, though my gf wants me to read it too.

Where would you get yourself at on SD or EDT? I'd know some "more basic" relationship mastery resources, but fewer for higher levels.

[peqkno]

Some other things I came across:

https://www.integralpsychology.org/integral-relationships.html

https://www.integralpsychology.org/uploads/1/5/3/0/15300482/compatibility_matrix.pdf

[Jacob Morres]

Maybe move to "high consciousness resources" ?

i'm looking for a nice high conscious book on the keys to an effective and healthy relationship. that'd be cool 

Edited October 22, 2020 by Jacob Morres

[Brittany]

Super cool resources peqkno!

[peqkno]

@Etherial Cat @Brittany

If you found those to actually be good tools, please report back and let is all know. 

[peqkno]

32 minutes ago, peqkno said:

225. Avoiding Dysfunctional & Abusive Relationships - 30+ Red Flags

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY9JqrmAI4Q)

• an obstacle to self-actualization
• people are wasting years

Ask your partner as you're dating them about their history of relationships, business, work, friendships, life, backstory, …
Opening up to you in a relationship
Be a good judge of the values of the individual. Do they value love?

 

Red Flags

1. Substance abuse (addiction)
   • Alcohol, drugs, smoking
2. Partner is asking to borrow money
   • Never ever, especially under pressure
3. History of Cheating, Stealing, Swindling, Arrests or even Jail time
   • Stories about cheating on a test or you see them stealing pencils
4. If the person runs a shady (half-illegal) business
5. History of short/few/many relationships
6. Evasive about past relationship history
7. Are they evasive in conversation in general?
8. The person can't hold onto a job
   • Ask about their job history
9. If your partner is losing friends (friends are leaving them) or has no friends (though they may be introverted or just moved city)
10. When your partner expects money/gifts/favors from you
    • Hinting and bartering and exchange
11. Chronically showing up late
12. Flakiness or forgetfulness
13. Possessive or jealous
    • Trying to control you
    • Insecurity about you having male friends as a woman
14. Very clingy, always there to answer calls and text messages and be at your doorstep
15. If the person needs to see you more than 3 times a week
    • Demands seeing you almost every (other) day
      • Or is texting you every day
        (another sign that they try to get their fulfillment in life from the relationship – codependency)
16. Too busy to see you once a week
    • Putting the relationship at such a low priority, probably not willing to fix any problems that will come up
17. They're unwilling to learn better communication skills
    • If nothing gets communicated and stuff gets swept under the rug, it becomes toxic
    • High quality communication, work on the teamwork
    • Also: If they are unwilling to learn about relationships and how they function
      • Maintain and actively improve the relationship
18. Lies to other people
19. If they like to lie by omission
    • Leaving out a critical fact that changes the context
    • Manipulate use of truth
    • = manipulative
20. Always in an emergency situation
    • Car accident, breaking a foot, getting fired, …
    • = unstable and ungrounded and can't steer their own life
21. Perfectionism
    • Hypercritical of everything
    • Also of you, even when quiet
    • Destroy their image of you and then the relationship
      • Never satisfied
      • When they see something better they leave you
22. Cutthroat in business
    • Puts pressure on people, sews(?) people, …
    • You're dating a vicious dog, and hell eventually come to bite "the owner" too
23. Narcissism
    1. Overly driven by money, power and fame.
       1. Won't be happy in life
    2. At expense of everything, even their integrity and relationship
24. Completely oblivious to the opinions of other people
    • Lack compassion
    • Isn't open for feedback
25. Calling you foul language names and is raising your voice
    • In a healthy relationship: No arguing until the point of yelling. Open lines of communication.
26. Does the person snap at other people?
    • It's gonna be reflected back at you.
27. Do they break things or throw things?
    • Throwing vases and flowerpots, smashing doors and punching holes through walls
    • If it happens once, immediate disqualifier. Guaranteed dysfunctional relationship.
28. Do they threaten you by telling you they're gonna leave the relationship
    • "Hey, I have this grievance and criticism." → "Well, if you're upset I'm gonna leave."
    • If it happens even once, immediate disqualifier.
29. Blames you for everything
    • You both need to take 100% responsibility for your part in the relationship
    • Take responsibility yourself
30. Psych medications
    • If they have psychological problems and are seeing a psychiatrist and are on medications
    • Those drugs screw their emotions
    • Shows: they aren't willing to work through their problems the hard way
    • If it's a short thing like their father died and they need them for a couple of months then ... okay
31. Long-distance relationship (long term, indefinite)
    • If they aren't willing to move near you, or you don't want
    • If there's a plan for closing the gap, like if they temporarily got overseas for 6 months for a company, and then want to return to you
32. If they tell you: "I want to continue seeing other people."
    • = they aren't committing to you, aren't in love with you, are keeping their options open and don't want to be guilty doing it

 

It's really not too much to ask!

A lot of these flags are 100% deal-breakers.

They don't have to be flawless, but at the very least be open to them and willing to work on them and grow.

A: "Hey, honey I think you're really power hungry and it'll lead to the destruction of this relationship."

B: "Oh, shit I think you're right." … goes buying books and getting coaching.

B: "Oh, shut up."

 

What to do when some of these red flags are checked?

→ Cut that person out of your life. (The right option)

• You're life is too short to waste it on dysfunctional relationships you think won't work out.
• Nerve wracking, wastes energy
• Might lead to nasty things down the road (abuse, losing money, …)

 

Why would you even consider leaving yourself open to those nasty consequences?

• Deeper issues in YOU.
  • Insecurities
  • Low self-esteem (usually)
  • …

 

Biggest reason you don't flat out leave dysfunctional relationships:

Lacking options with the opposite sex

• You need more options to land a new guy or new girl
  • Otherwise you'll be clingy in any relationship

Meet more men or women
Commit to creating more options

• Take control of how many men and women you meet in your life
• The more you meet the more secure you'll feel

 

 

EXERCISE

• 4 sentence completion stems
• Generate ten answers to each one, twenty for the last.
• From the top of your mind (2min max), no analysis or filtering.
• Brings wisdom out of your subconscious mind.
• Mental dump

 

If I were totally honest, my partners red flags are _______ .

 

The biggest thing I fear about leaving my partner is _______ .

 

If I took 100% responsibility about my relationship, I would _______.

 

20 ways that I could create more sexual options are: ________

 

(Summary guy's comment: Do these stems for yourself some time too ;D)

 

• Reflect on all the answers
• Don't lie about what your partners weaknesses are.
• Your intuition knows if this relationship has a chance

 

The first step

• Talking to them
• Are they willing to work on those problems
• If they aren't willing to change: cut them
• If they are: maybe you give them a chance

 

[RickyFitts]

I'm a big fan of the spiritual teacher Amoda Maa Jeevan, if you've heard of her, and her latest podcast is on the subject of relationships in the context of awakening - figured you might find it useful, so I'll share it here: