Have I been sexually abused??

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

It's a weird question but let me explain.

Memories of an event have been surfacing lately. These memories are VERY vague and pretty surreal. I am actually not even sure if they are real or not.

Since I'm anonym on this forum, I might as well tell you who did it. My father.

I don't even know what exactly happened. I just remember two things:

1. My father saying: "Come here!"
2. Him pulling out his dick.

I don't know what happened afterwards. I think I might have been like 9 or 10 by that time.

I should also mention that he was a pretty heavy heroin addict, and I think that he actually was high at that time. He was completely zoned out, so it would surprise me if he had any recollections of this event.

What I am trying is to find out what happened. I am not sure if I just saw his dick by accident or if he actually did anything to me. It could be false memories etc.

I really want to find out though. I'd go to a therapist, but unfortunately I have no money to do so.

I hope one of you can give me advice on how to interpret this event!

I'd also appreciate help from other people who managed to deal and overcome past traumas!

Peace! ✌️

Edited September 24, 2020 by DefinitelyNotARobot

[Javfly33]

I seriously doubt your father would abuse you while on heroin.

But hey anything could happen. Maybe you can try to do more memories and inner healing to see if some actual memories can come to the surface

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@Javfly33 Again I barely remember anything, he might have been or he might not have been. I honestly don't know if I'm mixing up memories. Maybe he didn't abuse me at all? I don't want to jump to any conclusions, that's why I'm asking in the first place. I myself barely trust this memory, but I have also heard that people with suppressed memories often tend to disregard these memories as being false, so I'm not quiet sure which of these games my mind is playing.

Do you know any good exercises for bringing up repressed memories? I could try finding this memory next time I have a lucid dream, but doing shadow work within lucid dreams tends to get real ugly and I'm not sure if I could take whatever I'll find there.

[Nahm]

@DefinitelyNotARobot

I believe that if you spend some time purely dedicated to wishing him the absolute best, sending healing, sending him love and well being, with the entirety of your focus and being...that you’re going to feel the clarity you’re looking for.  If there is ‘something to come up’, you would likely feel resistance in doing this with such strong intention. 

And or...you could reveal more to yourself by considering scenarios:

If he did - how is it relevant to you now?

If he didn’t - how is it relevant to you now?

And, look at how this came up in your life. What’s related, or led to it, that might not be initially recognized as related. It might be a limitation you’ve struggled with, and or categorical, like a specific ‘wall’ or difficulty in relationships, or maybe commitment, trust, etc. (Could be manifesting in any way, those are just examples). 

(This is potentially ‘triggering’, but I trust you get that the intention is to help you ‘bring it up’ as you are asking for help to do, if there is in fact anything ‘there’ to be brought up.)

If none of that is effective, from conversations I’ve had with people...sometimes people just have a deep seated belief that something is wrong with them. Sometimes they try numerous ways to get to the bottom of it, and ultimately there isn’t anything ‘going on’, other than the belief (without substance of any actual cause) and they have just been believing it for a long time, that something ‘must’ somehow be wrong with them. This could be said to be indicative of living in a world of conditioning, in the sense, marketing is everywhere and products are always portrayed as the  ‘answer to what is wrong with you’. Not to judge or be personal, but it could also be attributed to what we watch. As an example, people who are dogmatic and watch a lot of crime tv & horror movies, tend to interpret as such in comparison with someone who doesn’t watch tv or horror movies. Interpretation can be subtle and underlying in this way.

Also, often, that belief is death. It is arguably the most common of delusions and as such can linger unsuspectedly, in the ‘as if it’s a given’ sense. Sometimes when everyone one you know believes the same thing, it is missed that it is a belief.

One more thought...compliments of @allislove...there is something unique about the last minute or two just before you fall asleep. There’s a certain space, an almost perfect clarity if you will. If you can ‘catch’ that couple of minutes, and inquire, maybe something will come up. 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

23 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@DefinitelyNotARobot

I believe that if you spend some time purely dedicated to wishing him the absolute best, sending healing, sending him love and well being, with the entirety of your focus and being...that you’re going to feel the clarity you’re looking for.  If there is ‘something to come up’, you would likely feel resistance in doing this with such strong intention. 

That just blew my mind! I don't know why, but it did!  

I'll definitely try to do this one using my journal! Thanks for the quality tip!

31 minutes ago, Nahm said:

If he did - how is it relevant to you now?

I guess I am looking for clarity. I've been doing a lot of shadow work lately, and a lot of nasty stuff has surfaced. Real ugly stuff. A lot of anger and hatred, towards the world and myself. It was actually pretty shocking, I went really deep into my mind and now I am kind of scared of myself to be honest. I am trying to understand all of these emotions and thoughts and where they are coming from.

I was thinking about all the fucked up and traumatic events that I went through in my life and this one memory (be it real or false, or partially real or partially false) came up.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out where all of this pain and suffering is coming from. It's really really intense, words couldn't even describe 0.1% of it so I'm not even going to try.

I feel like all the pain I've been going through keeps manifesting in my life again and again and again. It's real difficult to keep up with all of this. I guess I'm just trying to see where I'm coming from because I want to understand myself. I have a hard time embracing and loving all this pain and anger. In fact I have a hard time loving myself period.

I guess I am trying to understand myself so that I can be there for my inner child. It feels like what I really want to be doing is to go back into the past and help my child self. I've learned that I can cope with past events by visualizing myself going back into the past and helping my child self with my current understanding. Like I would visualize myself as a  child being rejected by my parents and me as an adult standing next to it, giving it comfort and love.

Teal Swan made me aware of this exercise:

So what I actually want to be doing is to uncover my past, and to try to understand it (understanding the events, the people and their motives, my reactions, etc.) so that I can be there for my inner child. I want to be able to help it. But in order to do so I must understand the events that have led me to where I am. And in order to do that I'll have to shine the light of awareness onto them first. I can't help myself if I still find myself stumbling around in the dark.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

If he didn’t - how is it relevant to you now?

Hmm... It would definitely be relieving. Perhaps it would mean that I just fabricated this memory so that I had something to be angry and bitter about? I honestly don't think it would be relevant to me. I would still be the same person I am right now. I would still feel miserable.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

And, look at how this came up in your life. What’s related, or led to it, that might not be initially recognized as related. It might be a limitation you’ve struggled with, and or categorical, like a specific ‘wall’ or difficulty in relationships, or maybe commitment, trust, etc. (Could be manifesting in any way, those are just examples). 

I definitely have the deep ingrained belief that others will hurt me if I let them get too close to me. I often get called a pure soul. But I'm not pure at all, I'm just really good at hiding all the dirt beneath the rug. I believe that I would get hurt, rejected, shamed and would ultimately end up being alone if I expressed my true self. I intellectually know that this isn't true, but that's just thoughts. Deep inside my core, I believe that it's a truth truer than true.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

If none of that is effective, from conversations I’ve had with people...sometimes people just have a deep seated belief that something is wrong with them. Sometimes they try numerous ways to get to the bottom of it, and ultimately there isn’t anything ‘going on’, other than the belief (without substance of any actual cause) and they have just been believing it for a long time, that something ‘must’ somehow be wrong with them.

That's true for me. I do believe that there is something wrong with me. I can't stand myself. I hate myself. Unmeasurable hatred. It's probably just the voices of rejection echoing in my mind, but they have a strong pull on myself.

In fact I realize that I keep inflicting the pain unto myself. It isn't that I have to be in pain. It's that I want to be in pain. I want to suffer. I want to suffer all the pain in the world. I want to go to hell, just because I hate myself so much.

I was meditating the other day and I realized that all of this suffering is just stories I keep telling myself. I am like an actor in a movie. All of this suffering is just an act. But I can't drop it because I don't want to, that's how much I hate myself. And that too is just a story I figure, but it's a story I seem to enjoy.

So actually there is nothing wrong with me. Everything is just the way I want it to be.

But that's just written from the perspective of all my pain and suffering. There is also a part of myself that loves myself. That wants myself to be happy. But this voice is relatively weak compared to the voices of hatred.

Could it be... that I've just encountered so much pain and suffering and hatred and anger in my life, that I eventually turned into it? I feel like I am just a mirror. A mirror of my conditions. A mirror of my family, my childhood bullies and society. It feels like I'm just what life wanted me to be. But what life wants me to be isn't what I want myself to be. I don't want to mirror a world that is sick. Yet it feels like I can't help it. I can't help but to mirror what the world throws at me. Maybe that's why I'd rather hate myself. Because I don't want to do to this world what the world has done to me.

I feel helpless. Powerless. Like I'm stuck playing Simon Says with this world. And Simon says that I should go fuck myself. Simon says that I am a piece of shit. Simon says that I should suffer and die.

I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I guess it doesn't actually matter whether or not I've been sexually abused. I would still suffer one way or the other.

I feel lost. Like I'm going insane. Like I'm loosing my mind. I suppose I should stop trying to understand these feelings. I should start feeling them instead.

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I guess I am looking for clarity. I've been doing a lot of shadow work lately, and a lot of nasty stuff has surfaced. Real ugly stuff. A lot of anger and hatred, towards the world and myself. It was actually pretty shocking, I went really deep into my mind and now I am kind of scared of myself to be honest. I am trying to understand all of these emotions and thoughts and where they are coming from.

I was thinking about all the fucked up and traumatic events that I went through in my life and this one memory (be it real or false, or partially real or partially false) came up.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out where all of this pain and suffering is coming from. It's really really intense, words couldn't even describe 0.1% of it so I'm not even going to try.

I feel like all the pain I've been going through keeps manifesting in my life again and again and again. It's real difficult to keep up with all of this. I guess I'm just trying to see where I'm coming from because I want to understand myself. I have a hard time embracing and loving all this pain and anger. In fact I have a hard time loving myself period.

I guess I am trying to understand myself so that I can be there for my inner child. It feels like what I really want to be doing is to go back into the past and help my child self. I've learned that I can cope with past events by visualizing myself going back into the past and helping my child self with my current understanding. Like I would visualize myself as a  child being rejected by my parents and me as an adult standing next to it, giving it comfort and love.

That sounds like a good way of gaining understanding and also processing emotionally. The flip side of that is the potential of reinforcing that there is a a past, and also of tying yourself to it more (vs letting the conceptual thinking that there is a past go) and possibly identifying more with the past. More of a cautionary thought that comes to mind, not saying it’s a ‘bad’ method, but a perspective you can weight given how it feels and how it’s working for you. 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Hmm... It would definitely be relieving. Perhaps it would mean that I just fabricated this memory so that I had something to be angry and bitter about? I honestly don't think it would be relevant to me. I would still be the same person I am right now. I would still feel miserable.

 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I definitely have the deep ingrained belief that others will hurt me if I let them get too close to me. I often get called a pure soul. But I'm not pure at all, I'm just really good at hiding all the dirt beneath the rug. I believe that I would get hurt, rejected, shamed and would ultimately end up being alone if I expressed my true self. I intellectually know that this isn't true, but that's just thoughts. Deep inside my core, I believe that it's a truth truer than true.

It is good that you are recognizing the depth, or ‘core’ beliefs aspect, and recognizing the role identifying plays. I do wonder if you have considered a more objective, or more prior view...in that to experience rejection and or shame, requires that you first believe in it, and believe you are not creating it in the present, even if that includes the utilization of the concept of the past. Not that the body won’t purge out emotional misunderstanding leaving a space which is understanding...but any narrative to this can actually be preventive of the allowing of the body to release emotions. Imo, if you have the intention to let this up & out (solid cries / releases involved), and to bring awareness to it, and derive understanding and liberation from it,  then the body is essentially already ‘with you on that’, already ready to let it out. It always is because it is not finite thought, but actual infinite being, if you will. In the sense, the body is always performing a great many things, without needing a you to direct it. (The body is far more intelligent that ‘we’ are.)

So using any of the suggestions in my previous post comes to mind. You might inquire why you believe in rejection & shame in the first place. Again, really really putting all of your being to it - ‘why am I even thinking this way? Why am I believing this / interpreting this way in the first place’ - and even ‘this is fucking miserable, why am I sticking with it so much?’, ‘what is it which is preventing me from fully releasing this and letting it go once and for all?’...those ‘probes’ stand to bring up anything if there is anything to be brought up (more so in terms of emotional misunderstanding release). 

Understanding where, when, why you started interpreting reality in this way will likely lead to a time in your life, and an influential (in this regard) person who had these beliefs, interpreted experience in that way. Realizing where, when and how we learned something from someone is the unlearning of it. In the sense, all things disappear in the light of awareness, and understanding is what remains in it’s place. 

 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

That's true for me. I do believe that there is something wrong with me. I can't stand myself. I hate myself. Unmeasurable hatred. It's probably just the voices of rejection echoing in my mind, but they have a strong pull on myself.

In fact I realize that I keep inflicting the pain unto myself. It isn't that I have to be in pain. It's that I want to be in pain. I want to suffer. I want to suffer all the pain in the world. I want to go to hell, just because I hate myself so much.

I was meditating the other day and I realized that all of this suffering is just stories I keep telling myself. I am like an actor in a movie. All of this suffering is just an act. But I can't drop it because I don't want to, that's how much I hate myself. And that too is just a story I figure, but it's a story I seem to enjoy.

So actually there is nothing wrong with me. Everything is just the way I want it to be.

But that's just written from the perspective of all my pain and suffering. There is also a part of myself that loves myself. That wants myself to be happy. But this voice is relatively weak compared to the voices of hatred.

I hope this lands, I really do...try to let it sink in a few layers of depth before movin on...

...When you recognize that there is nothing wrong with you, we are in communion. We are in truth, in our shared being. As I believe Jesus said, ‘where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am’. That (‘there is also a part of me that loves myself’) is the place to be, to relax at, to let go to...it is home...when the old emotional misunderstanding comes up and out...so you don’t get sucked into the thought narrative about “yourself” and “your past”...be home and present that you are.  Don’t suppress, don’t bypass, feel fully as it does come up and out. Just let the thought story come and go, as it appears and disappears (and notice it does so naturally, as long as you don’t hang on to it / get sucked into it / jump in the story)....

...that “relatively weak” label does not fit (‘there is a part of me that loves myself’). That is infinite being, unconditional love. That is the true self, if you will. It is (currently for you)  subtle. It is not weak. It is everything that you could think of or point to and call ‘power’. It is the only ‘thing’ that will unify mankind and change the direction of this place. It is what will heal you miraculously anytime you allow it to. It is the presence that knows you better than you know yourself, and loves you more than you could ever believe or imagine. It is what is actual and reality, in spite of any thoughts, or what the eyes & ears might lead us to believe. It is what creates worlds, and it is precisely what creates your entire life and reality. It is why there are ‘things’ like this we can talk about, it is what makes it possible for this experience to be, and us to experience each other. It is not, weak. You - are not weak. 

“This voice is relatively weak compared to the voices of hatred”...if you aren’t, sit down. Lol. Brace yourself. All of that hate, you’re literally making it up, as you go, moment to moment so to speak. It has no actuality, and in comparison to (‘there is a part of me which loves myself’) it is only in thought - and ‘that part of you which loves yourself’ - is being kicked in the balls over, and over, and over again...and so it feels that way emotionally. You can not expect to play small, pretend ‘hatred’ is actual, and expect to be anything but miserable. Essentially, you’re calling your very own infinite source of love & healing - ‘weak’, and ‘relatively weak compared to the voice of hatred’. Imagine you get a puppy, and it just freakin loves you. Doesn’t even think about flaws, shortcoming, blah, blah, blah. It simply loves you no matter what, doesn’t even see you as anything but perfect. And you, kick it. Hard. Not gonna feel right. Got to notice you’re the one doing it. (Again...don’t bypass, don’t suppress, feel as much as possible, with as much nuance and being the student to feeling as possible...the desired outcome is the up & out of the old, understanding ensues.)

Flip your ‘weak’ and ‘big’. You got em backwards. At the very least, that could be considered understanding of trajectory, the path, or where you’re headed. It only seems big, because you keep kicking the puppy so hard. It didn’t feel good the first time you thought that way about yourself, and seems to get bigger and bigger. But there was never even a molehill to begin with. You can tell by how those thoughts feel, that they clearly are not true about you. If they were... you innocent, beautiful, perfect divine child of God - they would resonate. When a perspective about yourself and or this place does not resonate, don’t settle anymore. Decide you are worth it. Slow down and take the time to feel your way to a bit better perspective. 

 

4 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Could it be... that I've just encountered so much pain and suffering and hatred and anger in my life, that I eventually turned into it?

No. That isn’t actually possible. At all. It’s the outcome of not understanding the body is purifying, healing, emptying emotional misunderstanding ‘up and out’...and ‘falling’ for the thought narrative, about yourself...and thus perpetuating the very emotional misunderstanding you want to be free of. 

4 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

 I feel like I am just a mirror. A mirror of my conditions. A mirror of my family, my childhood bullies and society. It feels like I'm just what life wanted me to be. But what life wants me to be isn't what I want myself to be. I don't want to mirror a world that is sick. Yet it feels like I can't help it. I can't help but to mirror what the world throws at me. Maybe that's why I'd rather hate myself. Because I don't want to do to this world what the world has done to me.

Then don’t. Open up your mind more that two things which seem conflicting fit together in Truth. We are born, and we learn emotion and thought reactionally. We do learn and understand how we feel, from the world causing how we feel. You made a certain sacrifice, and you don’t remember yet that you did. You sacrificed the knowing of your true infinitude...to experience this place, to get on this ride. So innocently, you took on the ignorance of ‘who’ you really are. And you indeed suffered. 

But perhaps the greatest news of all, is that this was false from day one. There is no other way (presently), not one iota of any of it was your fault. You’re still perfect, whole, and innocent. The truth is that you are in control of how you feel, every second. This is the gift you can choose to begin unwrapping. In means being aware of reactionary thoughts, and not reacting in behavior any more. It means recognize the feeling of when you judge yourself in your self talk, and swiftly, consciously, loving yourself. It is the most worthwhile endeavor possible imo, but it is entirely up to you. There is living life without suffering, blissfully. This is not achievable, or attainable...this is you being who you are, just being yourself in the simplest more ordinary way. That means all your bs (no offense, I mastered it too) is going to come up & out, and you’re going to feel, and allow it. That might require a little faith on your part, Idk. You might grasp the sense and logic of this, and that might be enough. You might also simple be done with all the suffering. 

There is a pickle of sorts, if I say to you ‘this whole place, Your entire experience, and all your emotions, are emanating from you’. It has the potential to bring to mind something along the lines of...’if that’s even possible that is true...wtf would I have had x,y and or z happen to me?’.  That would be true, that would point right to the heart of identifying with / as the person and or body / mind (happened to me)...and going through intuition, to awareness, consciousness, love, peace-fullness, and compassion...to be able to grasp, that everyone else in that same boat. Everybody forgets their infinitude to live a life. Everyone forgets the love that they truly are, that there can be, experience. Your challenge would be to grasp this, and extrapolate from it, how it is that people do unloving things. Because they suffer in the not knowing of who they are. If they felt even a nanospeck of the infinite unconditional love that Is, they’d not harm not hurt anyone ignorantly and recklessly. So the situation then, inherently, is each one goes to sleep to get in...and then remains asleep to this love, or loves In spite of all, and Illuminates this place with Ourself, with love, and wakes up to the inevitable realization of who they really are, and what is even going on here really. 

So don’t hate yourself, and don’t do to this world what it has done to you. Be a force of truth, be the illuminating light you truly are. Be the love you’re born and destined to be. It fulfills you. Love this place, and it’s beauty and creation is revealed to you. You will see why it is called the present, as the past is healed and let go. 

In short...you’re born, it sucks ass, you suffer, you get sick of it, you follow your intuition, you start loving purposefully, and you heal and self realize, and you leave this place better for the next forgetter who comes around. Because you see bigger than just your human self, and you love bigger. And because you just might be that next forgetter who comes around again. Think of this perspective...what if in your next life, you are your dad’s mom? Would you harm, or love?  (I realize I’m pushing limits here, hopefully not too much.)

4 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I feel helpless. Powerless. Like I'm stuck playing Simon Says with this world. And Simon says that I should go fuck myself. Simon says that I am a piece of shit. Simon says that I should suffer and die.

I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I guess it doesn't actually matter whether or not I've been sexually abused. I would still suffer one way or the other.

I feel lost. Like I'm going insane. Like I'm loosing my mind. I suppose I should stop trying to understand these feelings. I should start feeling them instead.

Yes indeed. Feeling, without getting sucked into the narratives of thinking & labelling, is ideal. That means some awesome releases. Whole body gets involved. Gut wrenching sometimes. If someone was watching this, they’d be horrified. But surprising, subjectively as it is experienced, it is very releasing and relieving, and though in some way painful, in some deeper more powerful ways, comforting and a deep, deep love & presence. 

The powerlessness, and the thinking, is due to rumination, overthinking. It is fueled by keeping (suppressing) the emotional misunderstanding. The body ‘wants’ to release it. Tears have many healing properties. The more you let go, the more powerful you will know yourself to be. Less self doubt, etc, more self assurance, etc. Too much thinking means too much uncertainty, indecision, procrastination, etc. Much more feeling means more certainty, more clarity, more energy and enthusiasm. Essentially, you just, being you. 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

19 minutes ago, Nahm said:

The flip side of that is the potential of reinforcing that there is a a past, and also of tying yourself to it more (vs letting the conceptual thinking that there is a past go) and possibly identifying more with the past.

Yes I can definitely see this being true for me. I mean the past lies outside of my control, yet I am so fixated on it. Maybe it's just a convenient way of blaming something I have no control over for my problems. I do feel some resistance towards taking ownership over my life. It feels like the world has burdened me with all of these problems that I have to solve now. 

So maybe, instead of visualizing myself going back into the past in order to gain some sense of control, I should take ownership over my life right now, in this very moment? Again there is some resistance towards that concept, though I do understand that it's the only way I can live the life that I want to live.

37 minutes ago, Nahm said:

I do wonder if you have considered a more objective, or more prior view...in that to experience rejection and or shame, requires that you first believe in it, and believe you are not creating it in the present, even if that includes the utilization of the concept of the past.

How can I stop creating it without suppressing my emotions?

I had an important realization a few days ago. I was constantly trying to be more positive, but it felt like I was just suppressing the truth of how I felt. All my self-hatred just started manifesting in more unconscious ways.

Then I had a realization. I was sitting in meditation and I was having thoughts as usual. I watched myself judge these thoughts, but then I also realized that I was judging the judgement itself as you aren't supposed to be judging the thoughts. I realized that there was no way I couldn't judge these thoughts. I was judging them because I didn't know any better and this helped me quiet a lot in meditation. I still automatically judge these thoughts, but I've stopped judging the judgement itself.

The judgement is representative of my negative thinking. These thoughts occur because I don't know any better, it's the best I can do. It's like growing a flower. You don't do the growing when growing a flower. The flower does the growing. You can not manipulate the flower/the growth of the flower. All you can do is set the right conditions for the flower to blossom into something beautiful.

Same goes for your mind. You do not do the thinking. The thinking does the thinking. It kind of does itself. All you can do is set the right conditions for it to happen. I've started doing 5 minutes of gratitude meditation each morning, as an act of "watering the flower".

I've also stopped suppressing these emotions and started allowing them to be whatever way they must be. That's why I am in such a dark place now. I've accepted these negative emotions as a part of myself, even if my mind tells me that they are irrational and stupid. I still accept them as a part of me.

But I still do not comprehend how I am creating these emotions. They just are. There is nobody creating them, they just happen. Yet I don't want them to be happening, which seems to be just another way of suppressing them.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Imo, if you have the intention to let this up & out (solid cries / releases involved), and to bring awareness to it, and derive understanding and liberation from it,  then the body is essentially already ‘with you on that’, already ready to let it out.

This is tricky for me. I've been trying to cry for months now and it just won't come out. I was rolling around on the floor, desperate, just begging for the tears to come. I was begging my body to let me cry it all out. I actually had an important realization (also about 2 weeks ago). I realized that crying = love. This was the same meditation in which I became aware the ocean of suffering within me. I felt like crying, but it wouldn't come out. But just the simple desire to cry felt very loving. Crying feels like love pouring out of you. I couldn't tell you how so. It's just an intuition I had.

I really wish I could cry on command, but I feel emotionally numb. Even if I feel like crying I can't cry and this is a horrible experience. There is nothing worse than wanting to cry but not being able to.

I was doing some shadow work and I tried to inquire why I wouldn't cry. I realized that I was doing so in an attempt to keep myself safe. The thought "You THINK that you want to be crying, but you really don't. You have not the slightest idea of what is waiting for you deep down in the depths of your mind." pop up. Then I remembered something...

On a certain day, in 2017, I was having a complete mental breakdown. I was smoking some weed in the forest that day and I returned home not suspecting anything. But then, all of the sudden, a single suppressed memory came back to me. It was so horrific and painful that it almost made me kill myself. I just couldn't take it. I was laying on the floor crying in agony. I came very close to jumping out of the window, but I didn't do it because I'm scared of dying a painful death. I know that if I had a gun back then I would've definitely ended it right then and there.

I realize that I'm just being protected from further harm. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but I can't get any treatment for it because I have no money. SO I guess there are things my body is protecting me from, but it's too much protection. I want to get over it, but I how can I do that if I can't even cry.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

So using any of the suggestions in my previous post comes to mind. You might inquire why you believe in rejection & shame in the first place. Again, really really putting all of your being to it - ‘why am I even thinking this way? Why am I believing this / interpreting this way in the first place’ - and even ‘this is fucking miserable, why am I sticking with it so much?’, ‘what is it which is preventing me from fully releasing this and letting it go once and for all?’...those ‘probes’ stand to bring up anything if there is anything to be brought up (more so in terms of emotional misunderstanding release). 

That's a good starting point. I'll try to contemplate upon this one, but it will probably take some time.

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

...that “relatively weak” label does not fit (‘there is a part of me that loves myself’). That is infinite being, unconditional love. That is the true self, if you will. It is (currently for you)  subtle. It is not weak. It is everything that you could think of or point to and call ‘power’. It is the only ‘thing’ that will unify mankind and change the direction of this place. It is what will heal you miraculously anytime you allow it to. It is the presence that knows you better than you know yourself, and loves you more than you could ever believe or imagine. It is what is actual and reality, in spite of any thoughts, or what the eyes & ears might lead us to believe. It is what creates worlds, and it is precisely what creates your entire life and reality. It is why there are ‘things’ like this we can talk about, it is what makes it possible for this experience to be, and us to experience each other. It is not, weak. You - are not weak. 

Those are some beautiful and inspiring words! I really wish that they would resonate with me, but these concepts seems so foreign to me and within this current situation. I do have a little bit of hope and I think that maybe, one day, I'll be able to embrace the past and to love it and to laugh about it. But right now I have to find a way towards that understanding.

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

All of that hate, you’re literally making it up, as you go, moment to moment so to speak. It has no actuality, and in comparison to (‘there is a part of me which loves myself’) it is only in thought - and ‘that part of you which loves yourself’ - is being kicked in the balls over, and over, and over again...and so it feels that way emotionally.

But why is there a desire to do so? Hating myself just feels so good in a weird and twisted way. Maybe I believe that I deserve to be hated. Trying to let go of it actually feels more painful than to continue doing it.

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

You made a certain sacrifice, and you don’t remember yet that you did. You sacrificed the knowing of your true infinitude...to experience this place, to get on this ride. So innocently, you took on the ignorance of ‘who’ you really are. And you indeed suffered. 

Where can I get a refund? I'm not really into rollercoasters! ?

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

But perhaps the greatest news of all, is that this was false from day one. There is no other way (presently), not one iota of any of it was your fault. You’re still perfect, whole, and innocent. The truth is that you are in control of how you feel, every second. This is the gift you can choose to begin unwrapping. In means being aware of reactionary thoughts, and not reacting in behavior any more. It means recognize the feeling of when you judge yourself in your self talk, and swiftly, consciously, loving yourself. It is the most worthwhile endeavor possible imo, but it is entirely up to you. There is living life without suffering, blissfully. This is not achievable, or attainable...this is you being who you are, just being yourself in the simplest more ordinary way. That means all your bs (no offense, I mastered it too) is going to come up & out, and you’re going to feel, and allow it. That might require a little faith on your part, Idk. You might grasp the sense and logic of this, and that might be enough. You might also simple be done with all the suffering. 

Again, this sounds so foreign to me. It's not that I don't believe that it's possible. It truly is. I've had psychedelic experiences before which gave me glimpses into this truth. Absolute bliss. Full acceptance of the past, present and future. Seeing the beauty of the world beyond my ego.

But this is just a memory. A thought. It's not the actuality of who I think I am. This experience is so complex it's almost scary.

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

Love this place, and it’s beauty and creation is revealed to you. You will see why it is called the present, as the past is healed and let go. 

❤️

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

In short...you’re born, it sucks ass, you suffer, you get sick of it, you follow your intuition, you start loving purposefully, and you heal and self realize, and you leave this place better for the next forgetter who comes around. Because you see bigger than just your human self, and you love bigger. And because you just might be that next forgetter who comes around again. Think of this perspective...what if in your next life, you are your dad’s mom? Would you harm, or love?  (I realize I’m pushing limits here, hopefully not too much.)

Also very inspiring! I definitely have big plans of overcoming this. Of being a beacon of hope for others who struggle with what I've had to struggle with. But this goal still seems to be light-years a way from where I'm at right now...

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

That means some awesome releases. Whole body gets involved. Gut wrenching sometimes. If someone was watching this, they’d be horrified. But surprising, subjectively as it is experienced, it is very releasing and relieving, and though in some way painful, in some deeper more powerful ways, comforting and a deep, deep love & presence. 

Yeah I've realized that there is this weird thing going on with the body. All of this tension that the body wants to express. I've allowed my body to express it and it felt like I was going insane. Like I'm actually possessed or something. Have you ever seen a video of an exorcism? That's what it must have looked like from the outside! I was laying on the floor, convulsing, screaming, laughing and making animalistic noises, speaking in tongues, etc. It felt like I was finally going to loose it. But it ended up being pretty relieving, even though I am still not sure what had happened. lol

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

The powerlessness, and the thinking, is due to rumination, overthinking. It is fueled by keeping (suppressing) the emotional misunderstanding. The body ‘wants’ to release it. Tears have many healing properties. The more you let go, the more powerful you will know yourself to be. Less self doubt, etc, more self assurance, etc. Too much thinking means too much uncertainty, indecision, procrastination, etc. Much more feeling means more certainty, more clarity, more energy and enthusiasm. Essentially, you just, being you. 

Those are some wise words. I hope that I can one day live in harmony with myself.

[Nahm]

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

So maybe, instead of visualizing myself going back into the past in order to gain some sense of control, I should take ownership over my life right now, in this very moment? Again there is some resistance towards that concept, though I do understand that it's the only way I can live the life that I want to live.

If you kind of stop and notice...it’s not a concept, it’s actual. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

How can I stop creating it without suppressing my emotions?

Choose to feel. Choose that intention. Do some meditation, yoga, breath work, etc. Prioritize how you feel over what you think. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I've accepted these negative emotions as a part of myself, even if my mind tells me that they are irrational and stupid. I still accept them as a part of me

Nothing negative is indicative of you. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

But I still do not comprehend how I am creating these emotions. They just are. There is nobody creating them, they just happen. Yet I don't want them to be happening, which seems to be just another way of suppressing them.

You’re creating them. You’re all there is to them. Read this whole post as if someone else wrote what you wrote, and ponder, what are they spending their time thinking about right now...and could they be. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

This is tricky for me. I've been trying to cry for months now and it just won't come out. I was rolling around on the floor, desperate, just begging for the tears to come. I was begging my body to let me cry it all out. I actually had an important realization (also about 2 weeks ago). I realized that crying = love. This was the same meditation in which I became aware the ocean of suffering within me. I felt like crying, but it wouldn't come out. But just the simple desire to cry felt very loving. Crying feels like love pouring out of you. I couldn't tell you how so. It's just an intuition I had.

I really wish I could cry on command, but I feel emotionally numb. Even if I feel like crying I can't cry and this is a horrible experience. There is nothing worse than wanting to cry but not being able to.

I was doing some shadow work and I tried to inquire why I wouldn't cry. I realized that I was doing so in an attempt to keep myself safe. The thought "You THINK that you want to be crying, but you really don't. You have not the slightest idea of what is waiting for you deep down in the depths of your mind." pop up. Then I remembered something...

On a certain day, in 2017, I was having a complete mental breakdown. I was smoking some weed in the forest that day and I returned home not suspecting anything. But then, all of the sudden, a single suppressed memory came back to me. It was so horrific and painful that it almost made me kill myself. I just couldn't take it. I was laying on the floor crying in agony. I came very close to jumping out of the window, but I didn't do it because I'm scared of dying a painful death. I know that if I had a gun back then I would've definitely ended it right then and there.

I realize that I'm just being protected from further harm. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but I can't get any treatment for it because I have no money. SO I guess there are things my body is protecting me from, but it's too much protection. I want to get over it, but I how can I do that if I can't even cry.

You say you aren’t creating how you feel...you say you want to feel, release, have a cry...sit down, breath in your stomach and relax when you experience feelings like this. See if you can notice these narrative of running, suicide, etc, etc, etc, and choose to sit and relax and release instead. Don’t continue being afraid to feel, it is the suffering within itself and you can choose otherwise. Be strong, as you truly are, not a facade of you - but you. Be yourself, be aware of all the overthinking and judgement, it’ll help the releases arise.

 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

That's a good starting point. I'll try to contemplate upon this one, but it will probably take some time.

You can notice, to re-create rejection and or shame...requires two people. You can notice, this ‘two people’ is not actually two people. It is ‘two people’, both of which are a thought story. You are one. If you’re thinking of you and someone else, notice they are not actually here. If you’re thinking about yourself, notice you’re the awareness of the thoughts, and so that is who you are. You are not ever who the thoughts are about. Becoming aware of how you’re recreating this is the end of recreating this, as you’ll be conscious you’re doing it. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

maybe, one day, I'll be able to embrace the past and to love it and to laugh about it. But right now I have to find a way towards that understanding.

9 hours ago, Nahm said:

Stop and notice the thoughts that arose and were believe about needing time to notice there is no past or future. You don’t have to believe your thoughts, btw. There’s no like, rule or law which states you have to.  

You could understand, by direct experience alone, that there is now. You never experience a past or future. Try to right now, and you’ll see this is true. So you can’t embrace the past, there is only to love & accept yourself as you, however you are, in this one moment. It is incredibly simple, and any rebuttal to this is a smokescreen that if you let it go rather than reacting to it, you will have the releases (cries) that you desire. See that this is obvious, rather than believing there is something needed to be understood. It’s about being conscious of what you choosing. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

But why is there a desire to do so?

There isn’t. That’s why it feel of such heavy discord with who you really are. ? You’re pretending there is, and suffering for it. Change the story, to literally, whatever you want. You’re free. So free, you can continue to suffer. But you are always choosing. We all are / do. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Where can I get a refund? I'm not really into rollercoasters! ?

Give the love back, instead of believing your thoughts. That’s how you get off the coaster. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Again, this sounds so foreign to me. It's not that I don't believe that it's possible. It truly is. I've had psychedelic experiences before which gave me glimpses into this truth. Absolute bliss. Full acceptance of the past, present and future. Seeing the beauty of the world beyond my ego.

But this is just a memory. A thought. It's not the actuality of who I think I am. This experience is so complex it's almost scary.

Says who?  Why recreate that narrative ‘that it is scary’....it’s because you’re afraid to feel. But again, that is you recreating the suffering now. There is no past which has an influence on now...there are thoughts being believed that this is the case. But you readily know the truth about this, from how you feel when those thoughts arise, and you can choose a different thought / perspective. Don’t give such importance to what you think, especially when it is suffering. Change it.

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Also very inspiring! I definitely have big plans of overcoming this. Of being a beacon of hope for others who struggle with what I've had to struggle with. But this goal still seems to be light-years a way from where I'm at right now...

As thoughts about a past and future arise...be aware of seeing, hearing, breathing from the stomach, and feeling. There is only now...and mind games about a “past” and or “future”.  There is nothing whatsoever preventing you from thinking about a future you want most. Everything thought wise that might arise to the contrary, is reactionary, and in a nutshell you either believe thoughts and maintain suppression of feeling, or you let thoughts go and don’t believe them so much, and this allows the body to release. Rather than believing the future thought of overcoming and perpetuating the same old story about you - calll bullshit on that thinking. Let go, don’t “overcome in the future”.  The future never comes. Only now. I hear ya, but light years is a misnomer of science. You are the light. Right here. Right now. 

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

it felt like I was going insane. Like I'm actually possessed or something. Have you ever seen a video of an exorcism?

Yes, I’ve personally witnessed them. Notice, it didn’t feel like you were going insane, it felt like the thoughts didn’t resonate. You really have to notice this habit of being so quick to make it all about ‘you’. It’s just thoughts. They can’t hurt ya - they’re already you.

6 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Those are some wise words. I hope that I can one day live in harmony with myself.

As you notice there is only now, you notice you are believing thoughts about a “you” and a “future”...and believing the narrative about “you” in the “future”. There isn’t a future. When you pretend there is, you suffer, because it’s saying “the only time and place I can do something about this and choose to feel better, is in the future”...and every cell in your body says “no! Now!”. 

If you keep ‘sacrificing’ now, for some future...you are putting the believing of your thoughts first & how you feel second - essentially, “being right” - Instead of feeling better. 

 

 

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God. 

Your playing small 
Does not serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking 
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, 
As children do. 
We were born to make manifest 
The glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; 
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, 
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 
As we're liberated from our own fear, 
Our presence automatically liberates others.

 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@Nahm Thanks man! I feel much more motivated to take ownership over how I feel now. I choose to be more present with how I feel, even if it might feel like hell. Much love!

10 hours ago, Keyhole said:

but if it isn't and you mention it to your family it could cause a lot of damage.

I wouldn't even mention it if it was true. What would my family think if they heard of this? It would only cause more pain for them.

10 hours ago, Keyhole said:

Do you have any sensory issues or smells that trigger you for a reason that you don't know?

I don't think so. At least non that I am aware of. But I don't really understand most of my suffering to be honest. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster on a daily basis. Sometimes I'm hit by tsunamis of random emotions in the most mundane scenarios like standing in line at the supermarket. 

I was sitting in the train the other day and I was suddenly hit by an intense feeling of sadness and anxiety. I felt like crying. I didn't know why. I was just sitting there, looking out the window.

10 hours ago, Keyhole said:

Do you have issues with dissociation?

Yes, pretty big ones too. I'm often even shocked myself. I've cut out toxic activities like video games in order to combat it.

11 hours ago, Keyhole said:

More often than not people who have repressed memories are chronic dissociators.

I mean I've had quiet a lot of repressed memories. Some of them surfaced, some of them might still be lingering. There is no doubting that. It's just that one particular memory that made me question myself.

[Vercingetorix]

it doesn't matter if it's true or false for the healing process, what matters is what was your experienced as a child. Work with what you comes up. go to that memory (real or imaginary) and do two things: 1) release the energy (ask the child: if everything is possible, what do you want to say or do? 2) support him like you said you are doing, give valudation to his experience, tell me him he is ok/not guilty etc.). follow the emotions - what brings emotions is the right thing to say.

 

about self hatred -  ask yourself - what needs to happen to a child in his childhood that when he is an adult he hates himself?

usually it's our parents, mom or dad that criticized us, in a harsh way, and we believed their critisicm. so we need to go back to these memories when we were critisiced and support the child, telling the opposite - that's he's amazing, loved etc.

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Vercingetorix

[Toby]

Peter Levine - a "superstar" in the trauma field and known for his approach "Somatic Experiencing" - wrote a book exactly on trauma and memory where he might address a lot of questions you have: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1583949941/

Also, you can work with "trauma" without necessarily knowing exactly what or if something happened.

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

1 hour ago, Vercingetorix said:

it doesn't matter if it's true or false for the healing process, what matters is what was your experienced as a child. Work with what you comes up. go to that memory (real or imaginary) and do two things: 1) release the energy (ask the child: if everything is possible, what do you want to say or do? 2) support him like you said you are doing, give valudation to his experience, tell me him he is ok/not guilty etc.). follow the emotions - what brings emotions is the right thing to say.

Makes sense to me. I wonder where these emotions will lead me.

1 hour ago, Vercingetorix said:

about self hatred -  ask yourself - what needs to happen to a child in his childhood that when he is an adult he hates himself?

usually it's our parents, mom or dad that criticized us, in a harsh way, and we believed their critisicm. so we need to go back to these memories when we were critisiced and support the child, telling the opposite - that's he's amazing, loved etc.

My parents definitely had a part in all of this. In fact my entire family did. It was like they had a hard time accepting me for who I am. They tell me that they love me, yet they want me to be different. I mean I don't blame them for that, they just don't know any better. That's just their twisted way of loving me.

One of the bigger problems I noticed is that I blame myself a lot. I blame myself for all the fucked up things that happened to me as a child even though it wasn't even my fault. I blame myself for things I had no control over. I don't know why I keep doing it, but I do. Even if it expresses itself in unconscious behaviors.

I guess I should do some more introspection and feel into the emotions that come with that blame.

@Toby I will check it out, thanks!

[Nahm]

4 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Thanks man! I feel much more motivated to take ownership over how I feel now. I choose to be more present with how I feel, even if it might feel like hell. Much love!

? That’s great to hear. I think you might be experiencing the transition from how you feel being do to external situations or circumstances, to realizing you’re at the helm of how you feel, and that you can choose outlooks and perspectives that feel good. It is a transition and it does take time. Be patient and as loving and forgiving of yourself (and others) as possible, and like you said, feel as much ‘into it’ as possible. Be extra careful (as was mentioned) to let go of any ‘beating up on yourself’. You are so very innocent, and so, so loved. Constant flow of love, the universe is. Be mindfuol to relax, let go, and ‘let it in’, recieve it. No one need find it, earn it, or be ‘good enough’, or ‘worth it’, etc. Ourself loves us exactly perfectly as we are right now. That’s so important to entertain, consider, and more and more in life, feel &  realize how profoundly true love is. 

Also, not sure if you have some daily practices / ‘disciplines’, but that can be huge as a foundation / consistency. Daily morning meditation, or yoga, breath work, exercise and more simple things like making little changes to diet, or some cold water on the face and going for a walk every morning, etc, can provide a certain reliability and stability, which in a lot of ways allows the body and soul to release the flotsam & jetsam of the past, and just thoughts & perspectives that aren’t really serving us in general. And not to mention....if you haven’t, make a dreamboard. It can change everything in downright magical ways that I for one, would never have guessed or understood. Much love! And indeed - most definitely not a robot! ?♥️♥️♥️

[Vercingetorix]

@DefinitelyNotARobot

If you keep blaming yourself,

1) You can ask yourself:  what do I gain from blaming myself? maybe you are addicted to feeling guilty? (it can feel good in a twisted kind of way) , maybe it makes you feel superior? be conscious of the benefits or blaming yourself.

2) Again, Realized that self-blame didn't come you, it came from your family, from an adult - when you were a child and you had no choice but to accept what they tell you because they were the source of love for you. 
When you blame yourself, you keep traumatizing the child in you, you keep strengthening the adult that was blaming the child. 
You can work on your self-talk
 

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Vercingetorix

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@Nahm Again, thank you very much! I know that making all these huge changes to the way I live, feel and think might take some time. But I don't mind investing all of that time for the greater good of making the world a more loving place! Even if it's just a tiny step towards that goal.

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

Also, not sure if you have some daily practices / ‘disciplines’, but that can be huge as a foundation / consistency.

Well I've been meditating for like a year now (with a few off-times in-between). I've been looking for other practices to implement, but I don't want to burn myself out. I made the experience that if I go too hard with my practices, I'll just end up having a huge ego backlash. So I'm slowing it down, trying to approach it with love and care. I've also been doing a gratitude meditation each morning for the past week, trying to see how this will affect my life.

Still need to work on my diet (My current diet isn't very healthy) and on exercising more. I've started running in the evening, but I haven't been too motivated to be consistent with it. Still working on that.

Also thanks for the videos, they're great! I didn't know Abraham Hicks, I'll definitely check out more of her stuff!

1 hour ago, Vercingetorix said:

maybe you are addicted to feeling guilty? (it can feel good in a twisted kind of way)

Hmm that seems to resonate with me. There IS a lot of pleasure in it. I don't know why, but it feels pretty good to do so... Makes me wonder how that came about? Maybe my mind just copied how my family treated me? People DO tend to copy other peoples behavior. I'll have to look into it.

1 hour ago, Vercingetorix said:

When you blame yourself, you keep traumatizing the child in you, you keep strengthening the adult that was blaming the child. 
You can work on your self-talk

That's an interesting perspective! I never thought of self-talk as something that I could be working on. I've always  taken it for granted to be honest. Thank you very much!

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Again, thank you very much! I know that making all these huge changes to the way I live, feel and think might take some time. But I don't mind investing all of that time for the greater good of making the world a more loving place! Even if it's just a tiny step towards that goal.

☺️ 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Well I've been meditating for like a year now (with a few off-times in-between). I've been looking for other practices to implement, but I don't want to burn myself out. I made the experience that if I go too hard with my practices, I'll just end up having a huge ego backlash. So I'm slowing it down, trying to approach it with love and care. I've also been doing a gratitude meditation each morning for the past week, trying to see how this will affect my life.

Fantastic. 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Still need to work on my diet (My current diet isn't very healthy) and on exercising more. I've started running in the evening, but I haven't been too motivated to be consistent with it. Still working on that

Awesome. I remember when I was around sixty pounds overweight, and it was daunting to exercise every morning even though I got a tremendous amount of energy and clarity from it. So I would (in my mind so to speak) only committ to filling my water bottle and putting on earbuds and listening to music and or “motivational speeches” on YouTube. It made it really easy, and I don’t think I ever once sat for more than five minutes before I was inspired and wanted to exercise. Also, it makes for a really great meditation, right after exercise, imo. I also did little stuff that made a huge different. Like, I bought an expensive pair of jeans that I liked that would fit me at around 155 pounds, and hung them on the back of the closet door so I saw them all the time. It helped the mental shift, as far as staying on what I do want, and not dwelling on ‘what is’ in that regard, or how much weight there is to go, etc. 

Diet wise, two cents here...same thing worked, staying focused on, and being conscious of what I really want. Like I’d get more of an impulse for food I was used to eating but wanted to change...and I would dial into the feeling of wanting and bring clarity to what I actually really want - is to eat nutritious & lighter food. 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I never thought of self-talk as something that I could be working on

(Sorry for butting in but I just had to) That is the key of all keys, the supposition of the creating of your entire experience. ‘Work’ on that, self-love, and watch the world, and the synchronicities therein change right before your eyes. This place is so magic, that we believe it’s not! ‘Unwrap’ the present.  

[Reciprocality]

If anyone here gives you the idea of questioning whether it even matter i would strongly recomend taking a uturn on that one (until a clarification on the actual REAL MATERIAL thing were happening or not, alternatively as a last resort)

Further than that i do not think i can help you any more than you can yourself on such an issue, but the best of luck!