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Matt23

Cut connection with mom?

4 posts in this topic

Ugh... so I'm in a position with my mom where I have sooooooooooooo much negativity with her, so much repressed anger and pain from my life, probably even growing.  Yesterday she texted to see if I wanted to meet for coffee, I experienced soo much fucking emotional pain at this.

For the first time, I considered cutting her out of my life (physically, but emotionally was the biggest part)...  

This was the first time I've ever felt going this far before... another part of me, a litte-boy self who really feels the depth in connection we have, was herat-broken and scared at the pain from doing this.  

Like, I don't know if it will just cause more pain and suffering from everyone, or if just keeping this relationship will really just ruin my life

It's not like there's particular behaviors or something that she's doing that is really bad, (as far as I can tell), but I feel it's more about past pains n stuff.

Like she wants to be friends and have a relationhsip, but I have sooooooooooooooooooo much fucking anger and rage with her, and I repress it and I feel so much pain... so much pain that I feel maybe for my own wellbeing I should just cancel her out of my life despite the heartbreak it would cause me... even devastating heartache, I dunno....

I've never been at this point before.

Ugh... I'm just so fucking dissatisfied with life and just feel I can't handle things. I'm so fucking angry.

I feel I'd hurt a lot at doing it, I feel I'd be doing something for myself, I feel it's to do with pain from the past, I feel it's overwhelming and I can't fucking deal with her/it anymore, ... I'm scared and don't want to lose her, but I feel my pain is so great that I can't bear it or something........ I feel like I don't express my anger towards her since I don't wnat to hurt her...... I feel so much pain and rage to her......  ugggghhhh....  I feel like there's this little boy in me who's innocent and is so hurt at the thought of leaving her or disconnecting, but then there's this massive ball of pain that totally rages when with her...  I don't know what to do...


"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"   --   Marry Poppins

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I can tell that you're in a lot of distress right now and it's better to cool off before making any important decisions. Sometimes we need time off to focus on ourselves and friends should be able to understand that. 

I also have a difficult relationship with my parents and I made a conscious choice to minimize contact with them. Still, there is that wounded, neglected, child in here that hopes that some day it will be loved by them and yearns for contact only to be disappointed over and over again. If that how your relationship goes, then my adult self advises to take some time off. At first, just for cooling off, and then - make the decision with a clear mind.

27 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

I feel like I don't express my anger towards her since I don't wnat to hurt her...... I feel so much pain and rage to her......  ugggghhhh....

I can relate to that. In the end, she may genuinely not even understand why you're angry and there may be no space for conveying your feelings safely to her. Deep belly breaths.


Bearing with the conditioned in gentleness, fording the river with resolution, not neglecting what is distant, not regarding one's companions; thus one may manage to walk in the middle. H11L2

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Write out a letter to her saying everything you want to say. Cry, scream, swear. Burn it. Or send it if you have to, but probably not. It's likely that there are a few things you write that you might want to actually say or write to her latter. I have a theory that the people who cause us the most pain are the ones who we mutually grow from the most or the fastest. It's like we made some sort of agreement before we came here that we'd help each other align to love in a powerful, dramatic way. If you can't live with em' and can't live without em' you know life is calling you to grow and change. But here's the thing, you have to be willing to communicate and have difficult conversations. 

It also helps to ask, what do you really want from your mother? What do you really want the relationship to be? Is it possible that while on the surface it may not look ANYTHING like that, that the undercurrent of love is still always there, unbroken? Can you tap into that love that is impersonal and prior to everything else? 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I am going through a similar thing, i come from a very dysfunctional family and for the past couple days i have been doing Leos forgiveness template, I think it is a powerful tool and it is creating a lot of positive change for me.

 

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