Hello guys, last saturday I’ve had my third psilocybin experience. I’ll try to keep it short, while still carefully trying to describe the important aspects of the trip. I won’t go into the unnecessary details, like taking a walk on the beach. Set: Happy me, looking forward to go into the psilocybin world once more – this time, way calmer than the last trip. I was very chill about it, didn’t wait hungrily for the trip to start and just smoothly going into it. Setting: Vacation at the beach in the Netherlands. I was on a weekend trip (ha!) with two of my best friends. One was tripping with me, the other one was tripsitting. We took them at 1:30pm. That’s the only timestamp I will give because a)       We didn’t look at the time a lot b)      My trip report will be a mix of: the experience I had + the conclusions I made afterwards. I was actually really confused over the course of the whole trip and everything made sense only afterwards. During the trip I realized that I couldn’t make sense of it, so I was just going with it and floating. But you’ll see. It was really mindbending. Dose: We took magic truffles. I had the strongest ones with a 6/5 stars rating and took about 11,25g of it. Unfortunately, I can’t tell what that dose is translated to magic mushrooms. The sort was called “Valhalla”. Intentions: My top intention is always, that I let the psychedelics teach me what they have to teach me. Secondary intentions were resolving my bladder issues (which I will be getting to) and questions around almost every issue you could have with a blocked throat chakra. Problems in authenticity, self-expression, communication, truth, honesty, (self-) acceptance, social anxiety and social blockages. There will also be a short post-trip report from the days after the trip, because my subconscious mind was flushed heavily, and I became conscious of many psychological ailments. To the trip: The first sensations were just that I noticed that the psilocybin was beginning the workings on me. There’s always a certain calmness and awareness that comes with it. But soon, a heavy body load started to emerge. My whole body was starting to tense up really hard. I’m not quite sure whether the tensions appeared because of the psilocybin or because my whole body was actually tense the whole time, and I just then became aware of it through heightened consciousness. It was quite uncomfortable, breathing became a little bit weird and my thoughts also started to twist a little bit. But I knew that this is just a part of it, so I let the tensions run through, without fighting them. Just accepting them. After about 30-40mins, my friend and I said: “Yep. It’s kicking in.” As we walked down the beach, my body started to become really loose and the tensions would vanish. The initial high I had from the truffles made me really social and talking became effortless and fun. The trip was becoming more and more intense, visuals started to appear ever more brightly, and we decided that we better settle down somewhere at the beach near the campground. Human behavior became more and more alien. It was really hard to “act normal”, even though we just had to walk. In an instant, we arrived at our destination. The few hundred meters we had to walk passed by within moments. We put on some music, laid down, closed our eyes and let the journey begin. That’s when the real trip really began. I relaxed more, and more, and more, and more. I was in a state of deep beingness. Eventually, the beings which I met at my last psilocybin trip (30g of 5/5 star rated truffles; sort: “Hollandia”; should estimate between 2.7-3.7g of magic mushrooms; this time I went actually even deeper) welcomed me. Just like the last time, they were dragging me with their hands deeper in their realm. The difference being, where as I interpreted the hands dragging me deeper in, as an “Come, we will show you our world”, this time I understood it as an invitation to higher realms of existence – even without the help of psychedelics. I even received a gift, which would transform my meditation practice. But I’m getting ahead of myself. With eyes closed, I was getting dragged deeper and deeper into Beingness. The beings danced in front of me, overflooding me with joy and love. I welcomed them too with all of my hearts love. I experienced bliss and calmness beyond what I could imagine. Actually, I was leaving imagination. I understood how this “place” was realer than “ordinary reality”. Now this is a key point: understanding. With that Beingness, there came a deep deep understanding and recognition, beyond ego. This is the mindbending part, which I as an ego, couldn’t understand during the trip and can’t understand after the trip. During the trip, my ego tried to make sense of it. I was jumping between understanding beingness and ego. When I resided as the witness, I understood. When I tried to understand it from my ego’s POV it was utterly mindbending and confusing. And that’s the key insight right there. To have an understanding of higher planes of existence, I have to let go of ego, trying to understand. Understanding is not something you have to figure out. It simply comes, when you stop trying to understand and just be. I understood, how that was a part of the ego’s chains around me. I understood that this was the reason, why I couldn’t access those realms during my “sober” meditation practice. I understood that existence and the understanding of it, is effortless. It’s so funny that we, as meditating ego’s and consciousnesses, have to give so much effort into this effortless state. Kind of strange-loopy, right? That was the point where dualities started to break down and ego became more and more confused. We are now getting into territories, where it’s really hard for me to report this “experience”, which cannot be labeled as such. So now, it will likely become inaccurate and gaps of explanation will appear. My ego just couldn’t make any sense of it. And still doesn’t. And probably never will. As I was jumping between understanding and ego, every time ego showed up, I just loved it unconditionally and didn’t criticize it for not understanding, nor did I care to identify with the confused ego. While that happened, I was still somehow able to think of meditative teachings and why one should not identify with ego. I thought of Leo too and thought “You sneaky thing you! I know you told me that it was mindbending! And I expected it to be mindbending! But damn!”. In my minds eye, I just saw him laughing and I was laughing with him. The laugh of understanding and how hilarious ego’s games can be! When ego was like “What??? How??? I don’t understand!! I can’t explain it with words! It doesn’t make sense!” it was simultaneously understanding it’s limits. I guess, that’s why it’s so damn important to meditate beforehand, read spiritual teachings and so forth. During that, I saw the possibility of completely losing the mind in a negative way, not a positive. Fortunately, I shaped my ego in a way, that it can reside when it needs to. Ego me said: “Shit! I don’t understand, but that’s what I’ve heard so far from teachings. Guess I’ll just stop trying to understand it.” Ego had absolutely no frame of reference. Beingness me said: Nothing. Just understanding, loving. So while some of these words may seem like an internal war, it really wasn’t. I quickly grasped what was going on and just surrendered. For Beingness, it was not mindbending. It was just ever understanding and self-recognizing. It was only for ego, that it was mindbending. When I realized the understanding which comes with effortless being and existing, it was so self-evident. I was like “Oooohhhhh hold on. This is nothing which I don’t know! Hold the fuck on! I overlooked this the whole time! I was totally buying into “ordinary reality”. Goddamn, hold on! Did I even look around me, just once, while the veils of ego was all around me?! How could I not see this? How could I be so blind? It was always right here! Right with me! But of course, if I identify as ego, it’s impossible for me to understand! It’s impossible, because I am not ego! Now I see through the illusion. It’s crystal clear and can’t be overlooked!”. In retrospect, it was really practical that I jumped back and forth between ego and a more refined awareness – I could see, how ego is desperately trying to make sense of things, which it cannot. Now I understand on a deeper level (certainly not the deepest) how ego’s mechanisms work. And how literal some of the spiritual teachings are! And how blind I am as an ego! So much for metaphysics (if this is metaphysics). Now, the gift which I received from the interdimensional beings or the psilocybin intelligence, call it whatever you want, is the following: Meditation is tuning in, to what is. That’s it! So simple! Anything beyond it is already way too much of words. Actually, those words themselves are not quite right and rather false, but they are a pointer, which I could understand, and I can now apply to my meditation practice (even though I’ve heard those words before, and I understood them on a lower level, now I can apply this teaching way better). The problem with this teaching is, that it implies, that “tuning in” is effortful, when it is not. When you tune in, there is literally zero effort. It is beyond effort. Now, whenever I meditate, I can take away a huge part of the effort – but of course, ego has still it’s grips on me. It’s practical nevertheless, because when I’m in Parvastha (= after effects of Kriya Yoga which result in Love and Beingness) I can now consciously shut off ego’s effort and go beyond it more than before. Not psilocybin level effortlessness obviously, but I’m getting at it. Currently teaching ego not to interfere. It’s just that shutting off of interference which seemingly equates with the effortful part. It’s also practical, because I can now watch ego more closely, when it’s doing what it does – surviving, making sense. Whenever I lose myself in the blissful after effects of Kriya Yoga, ego catches up, and sort of fishes the awareness out of context-free awareness. Does that make sense? Back to the trip. I just realized that I’m not reporting chronologically at all, but whatever. Not bad. As I was interfering with the psilocybin intelligence/interdimensional beings, I spoke to it/them (the previous time I saw them, I was so blasted away that I was laughing for 45 mins straight, “lost contact” with the intelligence and came back to “ordinary reality” – thus couldn’t speak to them, even though I wanted to address the exact same issue with my bladder!). I asked them: “Now that I’m able to speak to you, why do I have the problems in my bladder, which the doctors couldn’t solve? I’m having these bladder problems since 3 years, turned every stone I could find in my subconscious mind, turned my whole life upside down to the positive, resolved so many psychological issues, but still struggle with my bladder!” *bladder problem appears* “Hey, do you see this? I’m talking exactly about this! Why does this happen?” I received no answer, but in retrospect I understand how the intelligence was communicating to me. Right after I asked the question and opened my eyes (me and my friend were rotating between eyes-closed and understanding mode & opening the eyes from time to time, talking, interacting with reality a bit). I can’t remember anymore whether this occurred when I opened my eyes for the first time, but it would make sense. Suddenly, I had a very strong social anxiety towards my closest friends. I saw how my social interaction was driven to a large part by fear, robotic behavior and inauthenticity. It was not comfortable, but I accepted it. I knew that this was not the time to resolve this issue. This is something I have to take home and work on. So I didn’t fight it. This also really confused my ego, because I began to question “Am I always like this? No this is not how I am. But it is in me. Wait this is how I am. No this is not how I am.” and so on. I realized that the intelligence was trying to show me something – my fears. Throughout the trip, blockages in the throat chakra were noticed in a scattered way. Every once in a while, I saw how Vishuddha is having major blockages (In the sober state, I wasn’t sure, whether these blockages where for real or not). So this was in a way, a very assuring trip: it assured me that I’m on the right path. You have to know, that I’m walking my path with a major insecurity towards the question: Am I really doing the right things? Am I working on the right stuff? (Especially in regards towards my bladder, because the dysfunction there is really affecting my life in a very annoying way). Why was this assuring? (Quick note: as I was beginning to work around the causes of my blocked throat chakra, my bladder issues already started to withdraw a little bit; my psychologist [I see everything as the universe talking to me] also assured me, that I’m on a good way)
I asked the intelligence, why I was having bladder problems and it showed me my fears in relation to issues, that come with a blocked throat chakra. Now, the blocked throat chakra is not the problem. The problem lies first and foremost within my deep inauthenticity. Out of that core issue, all the other issues in my life stem: communication, social anxiety, inability to express what I really feel, major emotional blockages, dishonesty and falsity, putting on a mask which I confused for my authentic self and so on. This is actually the post trip part. Today, four days after the trip, I cried for the first time in years while meditating. I experience major emotional releases. Yesterday I realized this issue really deeply. There were events, which triggered this huge emotional release. The pain of inauthenticity starts to grow bigger than facing truth and working through, what I have to work through. It’s a very painful process, but at the same time I know, that it will be hugely liberating. Post-Trip time is still very recent, and I expect more subconscious emotional flushes, but at this point, I’m pretty sure that this is the core issue, which I was looking for in years. There’s just this deep knowing that this is it. When I was working before on my bladder problems and psychological issues, there was this big insecurity whether this will give me the solution I’m seeking for my current level of development. But now this big insecurity transformed into major trust into myself, the universe and everything that will happen from now on. I know that I’m in good hands. I just have to play my part and things will fall into place.   Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of this very messy trip report! I actually wanted to post it in a more structured form, but I feel that the raw, unpolished, probably detail-missing version hits home. So please excuse this potentially inscrutable report! I spare you further stories of my confused ego and disorientation in reality. Now that I write this, I remember that I actually really wanted to talk about the major confusion with dualities and polarities and the mindfucks and the funny things that happened in regards to that! Whatever. Thank you for reading! Much love