Dryas

Is this a bad strategy??

7 posts in this topic

This is about my relationship with my parents. 


My parents are your traditional, God-fearing stage blue conservatives. I myself have of course outgrown all of that but this means that I have to interact with people that are fundamentally living in different realities.

Thing is, I’m aware that I’ll have to tell them about this at one point or another and I know it’ll cause them a lot of emotional distress and so to deal with that what I’ve done - or at least tried to do - is to emotionally distance myself with them as much as possible. This seemed like a good route to take but it also means that they begin to worry about me, view me as cold and uncaring and all that. I obviously can’t explain to them why from my point of view this is actually something selfless that will/might benefit them in the long run. 
 

As of lately, however, I’m beginning to think whether or not my entire approach is wrong. Maybe this isn’t the best strategy to deal with the inevitable emotional pain that comes when the truth about me is told ?? So I’m looking for advice. Thanks.

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I wouldn't emotionally distance myself from my parents solely because they are at a different stage. Perhaps instead of full on telling them that you have completely different views & that you no longer value their religious ideologies, you could tune them in to some of the insights you have & see how well they respond?? If they don't respond well, then you'll just have to bite the bullet & live your life authentically. Have compassion for them & love them where they are at. 

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@creator20 No, I’m not simply doing that because of the difference. 
From the op:

1 hour ago, Dryas said:

Thing is, I’m aware that I’ll have to tell them about this at one point or another and I know it’ll cause them a lot of emotional distress and so to deal with that what I’ve done - or at least tried to do - is to emotionally distance myself with them as much as possible. 

Telling them about it is just a big no. 

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6 hours ago, Dryas said:

is to emotionally distance myself with them as much as possible

Why though? Have you ever considered that you aren't being self-less at all? What if that's just an excuse? What if you are creating this emotional distance in order to avoid getting hurt/rejected/shamed yourself? What if it has been about you all along?

That's only a suggestion I don't know you but I think that it might be a good point to contemplate upon.

I honestly think that you owe your parents the truth (what exactly do you even mean by that?), or at least some of it. You don't have to bombard them with spirituality or non-duality. They don't have to know everything you do, but they should at least know what you are passionate about. Keep them posted on how you feel, what you are working on, etc.

If they DO end up rejecting you, you can at least say that you've tried. If they can't accept you the way you are they honestly don't deserve you as cold as it sounds. But always remember: there a people out there who sit in jail for murder and their parents still love and emotionally support them, so wouldn't it be fair for you to be able to expect a simple acceptance in world view?

But keep in mind:

Even if they do end up accepting you, they will still try to change you. That's okay, just don't take it personal. Parents tend to do such things out of love and worry. Remember that your parents, as stage blue people tend to think, will probably believe that they are more conscious than you are and that they know what's best for you more than you do. That's okay.

I'm just hypothizing here, you haven't told us much about the exact problem in your post. What exactly do you think will cause so much emotional distress if you tell them?

If it's something that they are very radical with, like let's say homosexuality, then sure they might end up rejecting you. As much as it sucks, that's a risk you'll have to take.

I've learned that lying, even for "good" reasons, usually does more harm than good. Don't forget to love YOURSELF and YOUR truth too! Other people, even your parents, are not the only ones that deserve to be loved. Just don't try to push your own truth and agenda onto them. Let them be religious stage blue ideologues. You can always help them grow afterwards.


beep boop

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Don't distance yourself from them, maybe try pretending you are stage blue once in a while...

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3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Why though? Have you ever considered that you aren't being self-less at all? What if that's just an excuse? What if you are creating this emotional distance in order to avoid getting hurt/rejected/shamed yourself? What if it has been about you all along?

It's possible. 

3 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I honestly think that you owe your parents the truth (what exactly do you even mean by that?), or at least some of it.

No, they would make my life miserable if I told them. I know my mother at least would be destroyed if I told her because I've asked how she'd react if I wasn't a believer anymore.

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@Dryas What's their religion? It really depends on how orthodox they and the culture that they've been raised in are.

If they don't expect too much from you (like actively going to church each Sunday) then just pretend that you believe in their idea of a god. That shouldn't be a taxing thing to do. If they DO expect you to be religiously active then it might change things a bit.

Nothing forces you to keep their best interests in mind except for your own heart.

You know them best. If you think that they can't take it, don't even bother. But don't strain yourself trying to keep up a facade.

It's all about their level of indoctrination and their level of love for you. Some families would reject a child that rejected their religion. Some would be hurt, yet accepting.

 


beep boop

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