Wanting to get back into deep state

[Stakres]

I've been depressed for years. Tried some psychedelics a couple of times in the last 3 years. Those were beautiful experiences.

I found a good job and moved to a new place. I had 2 horrible trips during quarantine in February / March. I was confused what's real what's not. I stopped taking drugs. 

Fast forward to June, I smoked a bit of weed again, in a much better setting with a friend. I had a horrible trip again, didn't know what reality was and thought I was dying, with all deepest fears coming up. The trip stopped the next morning. 

It felt like an initiation. I felt like I was in a game. So many synchronicities. I felt in metaphorical "heaven". However, I was still very much in this world I always knew, but the perspective was very different. I thought that everything that I thought was true, might be wrong. There are so many different perspectives and I have to find what's true for me. This "deep psycho-emotional state" lasted for 3 days. I felt "reborn" in a way. I'm on the path to find my true will.

 

A couple of weeks later, in early July, I started taking anti-depressants (been in therapy for about a year). That triggered the same "deep psycho-emotional state". Lots of synchronicities, thought patterns shattering, trying new things I never thought I would before. Sometimes I wanted to slip into solipsism and think that I'm the only one in this "game of life" and that it's all for me. Right people came into my life at the right time. I felt that I could do whatever I wanted and there is nothing to worry about. This "deep state" lasted for about 1-1.5 weeks this time.

After that I was "normal" (more like before) again. 

A few weeks later, I got into a more depressed state. Especially the last couple of days have been hard. It's really hard to push myself and do the things I want. I have no motivation to do the things I want to do. I just stay in bed. Meds don't seem to work as well as before.

 

I would like to be in that "deep state" or at least more "content" with what is happening with me, both when I'm feeling good and bad. 

 

 

Any thoughts / suggestions about my experiences would really help. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Stakres

[Demeter]

@Stakres , where do you live? Have you heard of the research being conducted presently on the use of psilocybin and Lsd to reduce depression? 

Here's one: http://www.imperial.ac.uk/psychedelic-research-centre/trials/

Just wondered if you could seek help from any such research or even participate in a trial. Read any published articles and see if there is a format for greater success which you could follow.

It was Stanislav Grof who first used Lsd to treat depression, which when used in a structured way could explore the unconscious to reap benefits for the patients. His book, " Realms of the Human Unconscious" distils decades of research and describes his methods. This would be well worth reading. 

It sounds that the 'horrible' trips uncovered something or caused a release so that you could experience positive things - death before rebirth. I personally underwent ego-death ( a most horrible trip) which showed me how my life was merely an illusion and entirely meaningless. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but a necessary step to make progress on the path of discovering reality.

[Stakres]

@Demeter Thanks for the insights. I've heard about the imperial research and have even attended a lecture by one of their main researchers in London last year. I'll check out their papers and articles to see their methods.

Currently, I live in another European country. There is some studies around LSD and Psilocybin for depression here. I'll look into it more and talk to my doc if I could participate somehow. 

I'll check out Grof's book took.

 

Yes it does seem that the bad trips caused a release to feel good things. It felt like a special mystic experience. I guess I'm seeking that state too much at the moment and can't accept what is happening. 

[mandyjw]

16 hours ago, Stakres said:

 

A few weeks later, I got into a more depressed state. Especially the last couple of days have been hard. It's really hard to push myself and do the things I want. I have no motivation to do the things I want to do. I just stay in bed. Meds don't seem to work as well as before.

How much thought have you given these things you want, are you sure that's what you really want? Could you write down some things you want, big things, small things and get some inspiration and direction there? 

[Stakres]

17 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

How much thought have you given these things you want, are you sure that's what you really want? Could you write down some things you want, big things, small things and get some inspiration and direction there? 

I have a poster / document with 5 areas of my life that I want to work on: with 1, 3, 12 month and 5 and 10 year milestones. I'm slowly working on them, and moving forward, but not making as much progress as I would like. I know pretty much exactly what I have to do (which steps to take), but it's hard when I'm depressed. 

Additionally now, I want to get back into the deep state, because life was way easier and more effortless then. Working on those areas of life was much easier and I wasn't worrying so much anymore. Things and people came into my life very easily during those times, which I really struggled to get in the years before. 

[mandyjw]

@Stakres "Areas you want to work on", and your milestones sounds way too serious and heavy in my opinion. Lighten it up, make it fun with no end goal or objective. Start small, really small. 

Look up an old song you love but haven't heard in years, or an old web comic. Buy a treat at the grocery store you wouldn't think to buy for yourself. That sort of thing, get creative and got by the feeling of what really lights you up.

What's crazy is watching how the way to the big stuff unravels and becomes clear from the smallest things. What matters is that you follow your heart and follow your bliss. Discounting the little stuff in life is a way we sneakily discount our very selves. 

[Stakres]

@mandyjw I'll try doing little things like that. Thank you

Yes I push myself really hard with big things I want to achieve, and it doesn't really work.

[Fadl]

Hi Stakres, 

I feel that my story is related somehow to yours, I have two thoughts about it ... 1- synchronicities are real/natural, cause there is no randomness in this world or any world btw, ¨a coincidence¨  is just a linguistic term ... it does not exist in reality. And you can find them (synchronicities) when you are sober 2- drugs and psychedelics can make you awake for a moment but their effects never last ... if you want the truth you need to do it by yourself without these supplement, otherwise you will depend on them for the rest of your life to stay in that deep state. 

[Stakres]

@Fadl what is your approach to reach truth / deep state without psychedelics? What could you recommend to me to consider?