By Mirko
in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God,
Just to let you know beforehand - this post is written by hardcore full-time seeker - 14 hours of consciousness work daily for past 5 years with 150 psychedelic GOD awakenings and Infinite Love awakenings on 5-MeO-DMT and others.
I do not expect any advice from you for my situation - because I came to conclusion that no advice of the "internet gurus" has ever worked for me. I wrote this post just so you could show some empathy to people like me - seekers who are STUCK in the middle, in the dead zone - between the Matrix and Liberation. And being stuck in the middle of those two for years/lifetime creates MORE suffering than average human life spent as an average unconscious Joe.
My life is actually worse than Leo's life according to his health video in his Insights Blog (https://www.actualized.org/insights/my-health-situation) . I am in pain, experiencing many psychological and physical illnesses since my childhood. Everybody should realize that Life is massive Suffering even after many awakenings.
Like many of you, I came into the spirituality because I wanted to ease my suffering AND have less thoughts OR at least stop being identified with them AND be "immune" to pain AND to know my true nature AND to experience experience Unconditional Love in everyday life - not just in psychedelic trips.
5 years of hardcore spirituality later, my suffering has actually increased AND number of thoughts has actually increased AND identification with thoughts is pretty much the same AND my sensitivity to pain has dramatically increased AND I have had only 2 sober spontaneous experiences of Unconditional Love which lasted only 1 minute.
After many of my temporary awakenings I came to conclusion that I am the GOD IDIOT, here's why:
My life in a nutshell:
0.006 % Gods Divine Love
1 % pleasure from orgasm, eating
99 % suffering in boredom/meaninglessness, suffering from thoughts, personality disorders, anxiety, depression, inner-conflicts, needs, desires, pain, work, insomnia, extreme noise sensitivity etc. I am a God Idiot because after 5 years of full time consciousness work I was not able to cure any of my disorders. I am powerless god. Hopeless God. God is LIMITED idiot because he can't switch off useless "pain signals" in the body. OF COURSE pain signals were useful in caveman days, but nowadays they have outlived their usefulness YET there is NO WAY to turn them off (I am a highly sensitive person - I feel pain 5x stronger than average human) The GOD is RENDERING this creation and that is pretty much the ONLY thing that's doing great! God is UNLIMITED when it comes to rendering stuff. Rendering feelings etc... Rendering this colorful 4D scene. BRAVO! He is doing that perfectly. His mechanism of "no-mechanism" is PERFECT. But the scene is full of suffering. The Mind is actually Alpha version pre-realesed too early and most of human perspectives are in suffering mode thanks to shitloads of inner conflicts created by inner beings/thoughts or "external" stimuli. God is the biggest idiot out there - Since in this day and age more than 98% of human perspectives are led by ego-identity and for most of them THERE IS NO WAY OUT (remember - I have tried to get out for 5 years full-time) There's NO WAY OUT because there are infinite lives... So suicide is not an option - my idiotic creation is made the way that I will be always reborn into suffering again and again. Life IS. And this statement implies suffering in it. NO WAY OUT. Life is and always will be. Whatever IS - is prone to suffer. I am a God idiot - because THERE IS NO "SAFETY VALVE" Impermanence is actually not "SAFETY VALVE", it's not a positive feature like Leo said in impermanence video. Impermanence IS an "error", because God is idiot who wasn't capable of creating creation with 100 percent SOBER divine love without colors, feelings, thoughts and without the need for using psychedelics to remember himself in trip just for few seconds. OF COURSE I used to be a 5-MeO-HERO who experienced Gods Divine Love 150 times on psychedelic only to forget it few minutes later. Why? Because this Creation is created by Me God Idiot, who is NOT IN CONTROL of making use of those divine insights into everyday reality ... Remember there is no control and no one in control. And no one in control of liberating from suffering into "awakened state" !!! It's based on pure luck... It is a lottery. The Grand God Idiot's Lottery! That's why there are actually life-long seekers who seeks liberation from suffering but how many actually get liberated? How many of the seekers get enlightened? 3 percent? So this hell creation is punishment for myself. Why? Just cause! I do not know... God is idiot because there is NO WARRANTY that evolution will make humans more happy. What if people 5000 years ago were a lot more happy than today's industrial society? There is no warranty for better future. YES there are channeled books from higher beings in higher dimensions who say that there is some thing called ascension and in 1000000 years you will ascend higher or whatever, but what if that is just a dogma? You can't be sure of that. I am LIMITED crippled God because I have NO CONTROL over the creation - I can't "dream" stuff or positive emotions into existence and maintain them 24/7 and I am very VERY limited in manipulating reality - maybe even totally powerless - because I have no control over my thoughts, hormones, disorders, life experiences, brain chemicals etc... LoA people are proof of that. Under any LoA video on youtube there are comments like: I can manifest ANYTHING!!! - yeah right, those "omnipotent" fools who say they can manifest anything only to find out they have a tumor year later and die. I have personally known 2 of those people. To intelligent person it's obvious that they can only manifest themselves stuff like cars and money, which is normal part of life and working hard. No need to call that woo-woo Law Of Attraction. All of them say you are God and can manifest anything - so why their life is suffering? Why are they still working at McDonald's? Why they have incurable illnesses? Why those fools don't make themselves live up to 200 years of age full of wealth and health? Or feed all starving children in Africa. Or heal ALL corona patients in one day ... They're a joke. And anyone who believes that "You are Creator of your own reality" is a joke. You have very limited - I would say Zero control over the reality. Just contemplate "What is a decision" and observe your experience carefully. I am a GOD IDIOT because I have Zero control over my thoughts. I have ZERO control of: WHAT my next thought gonna be
WHEN my next thought gonna be AND I have ZERO control of decision made based on thought content. I am God idiot because my alpha-version buggy Mind (thoughts) is prone to be stuck in loops of negative thinking FULL OF INTERNAL CONFLICTS between inner archetypes. Not just thought loops. I know people stuck in depressive, anxiety, OCD loops for their whole life. No techniques or medications work for them. I am God idiot who is not in control of his "level of vibration" ... God is idiot because his creation is CHAOS. Chaos implies suffering. Some say that reality is not suffering, but my interpretation of reality creates suffering. Oh man believe me I HAVE TRIED... Full-time... God is limited idiot because any psychedelic or other "peak experience" won't last more than few minutes AND there's a tolerance or harmful addiction or basically "The higher you fly, the harder you fall". In conclusion - Experiences of God's divine love actually made my everyday life more miserable - they showed me something I'm incapable to experience on sober daily basis. My 5-MeO Omnipotence experiences are totally useless AND those experiences gave me a false hopes / false HEALING hopes for my illnesses... Nothing good came out of them... BTW I wanted to teach spirituality... Like Leo, I wanted to wake people up from their illusions... Praising 5-MeO as well. Like Leo I have read almost all spiritual books under the sun. Like Leo - I became "Insight Hunter" ... Only to find out later that insights/peak psychedelic experiences actually made my life worse. Revealing "secrets" of existence is making everyday life "negatively" meaningless. YES - meaninglessness that I experience is not neutral, it's negative. Massive contemplative lifestyle stripped my life of compulsory illusions. Human NEEDS his illusions to live normal life... To be able to relate to other people in the matrix, to be social... To enjoy entertainment in the matrix... You won't be happy watching a movie constantly being reminded it's staged... I realized that stripping illusions off reality is actually fools way to live a life. I, like many, am a depressed spiritual loner full of head knowledge and spiritual ego. That's why most of philosophers were unhappy. And because only 3 % of seekers get liberated - average seeker gets actually stuck "in the middle"... I as a God am incapable of surrendering the ego identity... Believe me, I have tried... Shitloads of times... But of course surrender isn't something you could do willingly. I am still waiting for some paradigm-shattering insight or whatever... Til now no luck... OF COURSE this post is full of limiting beliefs. OF COURSE this could be understood as a victim mentality thinking. But realize - I am doing my best... Full time... Everybody is doing their best. I have tried everything... So please do not spit any pseudo-advises like "practice acceptance" or other BS... Your words have no use in some Gods perspectives like This One that is writing this useless post. You won't help me and you won't cure Leo's thyroid illness. OF COURSE reality is 100% imagination and I have tried to make a massive leap and transform this imagination into positive one by brute-force OR at least manifest "accepted imagination" to see creation as accepted/neutral. Did not work. Many "souls" are in the "massive suffering mode" multiple lives in a row. Just read this book: "Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss" ... It's about a woman who tapped into her past lives and 95 out of 100 her past lives were FULL OF suffering and illnesses... BTW in her past lives she has been a monk in monastery many times. Being monk is useless in therms of "progress" or whatever. So, I hope you finally understand. You can enlighten yourself however you want in this life, in your next life thanks to memory wipe out + upbringing by egoic parents and egoic society you will fall back to illusion again. You will suffer in your next life in spite of your awakenings in this life. I am DELUDED LIMITED CRIPPLED GOD. Totally lost in his creation. NO WAY OUT for 99,999 percent of people including me. Gods creation is Hell Realm - This Colorful Creation is Hell Realm. Thanks for your time. You will experience my life someday. Don't worry "internet gurus" :-D tl;dr: Have compassion for suffering of others. And just 2 more quotes for you:
1 % pleasure from orgasm, eating
99 % suffering in boredom/meaninglessness, suffering from thoughts, personality disorders, anxiety, depression, inner-conflicts, needs, desires, pain, work, insomnia, extreme noise sensitivity etc. I am a God Idiot because after 5 years of full time consciousness work I was not able to cure any of my disorders. I am powerless god. Hopeless God. God is LIMITED idiot because he can't switch off useless "pain signals" in the body. OF COURSE pain signals were useful in caveman days, but nowadays they have outlived their usefulness YET there is NO WAY to turn them off (I am a highly sensitive person - I feel pain 5x stronger than average human) The GOD is RENDERING this creation and that is pretty much the ONLY thing that's doing great! God is UNLIMITED when it comes to rendering stuff. Rendering feelings etc... Rendering this colorful 4D scene. BRAVO! He is doing that perfectly. His mechanism of "no-mechanism" is PERFECT. But the scene is full of suffering. The Mind is actually Alpha version pre-realesed too early and most of human perspectives are in suffering mode thanks to shitloads of inner conflicts created by inner beings/thoughts or "external" stimuli. God is the biggest idiot out there - Since in this day and age more than 98% of human perspectives are led by ego-identity and for most of them THERE IS NO WAY OUT (remember - I have tried to get out for 5 years full-time) There's NO WAY OUT because there are infinite lives... So suicide is not an option - my idiotic creation is made the way that I will be always reborn into suffering again and again. Life IS. And this statement implies suffering in it. NO WAY OUT. Life is and always will be. Whatever IS - is prone to suffer. I am a God idiot - because THERE IS NO "SAFETY VALVE" Impermanence is actually not "SAFETY VALVE", it's not a positive feature like Leo said in impermanence video. Impermanence IS an "error", because God is idiot who wasn't capable of creating creation with 100 percent SOBER divine love without colors, feelings, thoughts and without the need for using psychedelics to remember himself in trip just for few seconds. OF COURSE I used to be a 5-MeO-HERO who experienced Gods Divine Love 150 times on psychedelic only to forget it few minutes later. Why? Because this Creation is created by Me God Idiot, who is NOT IN CONTROL of making use of those divine insights into everyday reality ... Remember there is no control and no one in control. And no one in control of liberating from suffering into "awakened state" !!! It's based on pure luck... It is a lottery. The Grand God Idiot's Lottery! That's why there are actually life-long seekers who seeks liberation from suffering but how many actually get liberated? How many of the seekers get enlightened? 3 percent? So this hell creation is punishment for myself. Why? Just cause! I do not know... God is idiot because there is NO WARRANTY that evolution will make humans more happy. What if people 5000 years ago were a lot more happy than today's industrial society? There is no warranty for better future. YES there are channeled books from higher beings in higher dimensions who say that there is some thing called ascension and in 1000000 years you will ascend higher or whatever, but what if that is just a dogma? You can't be sure of that. I am LIMITED crippled God because I have NO CONTROL over the creation - I can't "dream" stuff or positive emotions into existence and maintain them 24/7 and I am very VERY limited in manipulating reality - maybe even totally powerless - because I have no control over my thoughts, hormones, disorders, life experiences, brain chemicals etc... LoA people are proof of that. Under any LoA video on youtube there are comments like: I can manifest ANYTHING!!! - yeah right, those "omnipotent" fools who say they can manifest anything only to find out they have a tumor year later and die. I have personally known 2 of those people. To intelligent person it's obvious that they can only manifest themselves stuff like cars and money, which is normal part of life and working hard. No need to call that woo-woo Law Of Attraction. All of them say you are God and can manifest anything - so why their life is suffering? Why are they still working at McDonald's? Why they have incurable illnesses? Why those fools don't make themselves live up to 200 years of age full of wealth and health? Or feed all starving children in Africa. Or heal ALL corona patients in one day ... They're a joke. And anyone who believes that "You are Creator of your own reality" is a joke. You have very limited - I would say Zero control over the reality. Just contemplate "What is a decision" and observe your experience carefully. I am a GOD IDIOT because I have Zero control over my thoughts. I have ZERO control of: WHAT my next thought gonna be
WHEN my next thought gonna be AND I have ZERO control of decision made based on thought content. I am God idiot because my alpha-version buggy Mind (thoughts) is prone to be stuck in loops of negative thinking FULL OF INTERNAL CONFLICTS between inner archetypes. Not just thought loops. I know people stuck in depressive, anxiety, OCD loops for their whole life. No techniques or medications work for them. I am God idiot who is not in control of his "level of vibration" ... God is idiot because his creation is CHAOS. Chaos implies suffering. Some say that reality is not suffering, but my interpretation of reality creates suffering. Oh man believe me I HAVE TRIED... Full-time... God is limited idiot because any psychedelic or other "peak experience" won't last more than few minutes AND there's a tolerance or harmful addiction or basically "The higher you fly, the harder you fall". In conclusion - Experiences of God's divine love actually made my everyday life more miserable - they showed me something I'm incapable to experience on sober daily basis. My 5-MeO Omnipotence experiences are totally useless AND those experiences gave me a false hopes / false HEALING hopes for my illnesses... Nothing good came out of them... BTW I wanted to teach spirituality... Like Leo, I wanted to wake people up from their illusions... Praising 5-MeO as well. Like Leo I have read almost all spiritual books under the sun. Like Leo - I became "Insight Hunter" ... Only to find out later that insights/peak psychedelic experiences actually made my life worse. Revealing "secrets" of existence is making everyday life "negatively" meaningless. YES - meaninglessness that I experience is not neutral, it's negative. Massive contemplative lifestyle stripped my life of compulsory illusions. Human NEEDS his illusions to live normal life... To be able to relate to other people in the matrix, to be social... To enjoy entertainment in the matrix... You won't be happy watching a movie constantly being reminded it's staged... I realized that stripping illusions off reality is actually fools way to live a life. I, like many, am a depressed spiritual loner full of head knowledge and spiritual ego. That's why most of philosophers were unhappy. And because only 3 % of seekers get liberated - average seeker gets actually stuck "in the middle"... I as a God am incapable of surrendering the ego identity... Believe me, I have tried... Shitloads of times... But of course surrender isn't something you could do willingly. I am still waiting for some paradigm-shattering insight or whatever... Til now no luck... OF COURSE this post is full of limiting beliefs. OF COURSE this could be understood as a victim mentality thinking. But realize - I am doing my best... Full time... Everybody is doing their best. I have tried everything... So please do not spit any pseudo-advises like "practice acceptance" or other BS... Your words have no use in some Gods perspectives like This One that is writing this useless post. You won't help me and you won't cure Leo's thyroid illness. OF COURSE reality is 100% imagination and I have tried to make a massive leap and transform this imagination into positive one by brute-force OR at least manifest "accepted imagination" to see creation as accepted/neutral. Did not work. Many "souls" are in the "massive suffering mode" multiple lives in a row. Just read this book: "Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss" ... It's about a woman who tapped into her past lives and 95 out of 100 her past lives were FULL OF suffering and illnesses... BTW in her past lives she has been a monk in monastery many times. Being monk is useless in therms of "progress" or whatever. So, I hope you finally understand. You can enlighten yourself however you want in this life, in your next life thanks to memory wipe out + upbringing by egoic parents and egoic society you will fall back to illusion again. You will suffer in your next life in spite of your awakenings in this life. I am DELUDED LIMITED CRIPPLED GOD. Totally lost in his creation. NO WAY OUT for 99,999 percent of people including me. Gods creation is Hell Realm - This Colorful Creation is Hell Realm. Thanks for your time. You will experience my life someday. Don't worry "internet gurus" :-D tl;dr: Have compassion for suffering of others. And just 2 more quotes for you:
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