Buba

Failed psychoanalysis and now looking for utopia

61 posts in this topic

I had OCD with missions. I had been suffering for 14 years constantly because of these missions. I went to psychotherapists and swallowed antidepressants, meditated and none of them helped. I went to psychoanalysis and it revealed I had repressed my passive homosexuality which allegedly caused my missions. I was devastated for 2 months. Then I figured out I am not gay and my homosexuality is repressed. 

I was so scared of my passive homosexuality, I declared a war on my active homosexuality which is mainly in my fantasies and is 10 years old and I had sex with shemales and feminine gays 6 times in last 10 years. I wanted to get rid of my active homosexual desires although during these 10 years I always approved them. It is absurd that I knew I will never be pure heterosexual or asexual, but still I chose to not accept my 10 years old active homosexuality and chose to suffer. It is absurd that in order to be happy I did my best to accept my passive homosexuality, because I knew I cant escape it. But I never tried to accept my active homosexuality, although I knew I cant escape it. It is totally absurd. I had such a hysteria “I dont want to be bisexual, I dont want to be bisexual”, I told my parents about my active homosexuality and my homosexual experiences and this absurd hysteria lasted for 70 days. After 70 days I suddenly felt fear and then I figured out what an absurd I was doing. I was fighting against my harmless lovely 10 years old active homosexuality. Why? I still dont know. It was absurd and it was first time I experienced such a thing.

Since then I suffer tremendously because I told my parents about my active homosexuality, which was secret for 10 years. Of course they did not approve it but still did not make me upset. I feel like there is a spot in my soul. My heterosexual image I had since my childhood got destroyed. I lost my connection with my parents. They told me they still see me as heterosexual and I just made mistakes, but I still feel awful. They should have never know my secret, but I told them with my own mouth because of this absurd. 

I almost lost my job which I had for 8 years. I am mentally crippled. I cant do even very basic things. I do my best to accept the situation and dont care anything, but it is not up to me. I cant eat, sleep normally, I cant sit. I always walk and think about that absurd which caused me to tell my parents about my homosexuality. How come I did not accept my active homosexuality? But I accepted it 10 years ago. How come I tried my best to accept passive homosexuality which was devastating for me but I did my best not to accept my active homosexuality which I always cherished? 

Since January I am in a constant suffering (2 months passive homosexuality concern which disappeared because the urges disappeared, 70 days active homosexuality concern which I dont know why even started because during these 10 years I always approved it, and 3 months telling my parents about my active homosexuality concern which still lasts.)

My father got angry at my psychoanalyst and told him not to have psychoanalysis with me. He got scared and agreed. Now I am looking for a place where they can heal me. Meditation, psychoanalysis, different therapies and etc. Utopia. My sense of self hurts so much. If this absurd did not happen, I would be very happy and grateful for going to psychoanalysis. But this absurd happened, I lost my mind and attacked my active homosexuality (and I knew I would lose) and told my parents my 10 years old secret. I cant accept it I told them about my secret. I feel uneasiness, as if there is an eternal spot in my soul. I feel huge discomfort. I lost connection with my parents. My heterosexual image collapsed. My world collapsed. I feel like I will stay like this forever. I feel like I will never be happy because my parents know I had sex with men.

My sense of self hurts so much.

Is there a place where I can heal? Psychologists and psychotherapies will not help me.

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Where are you from? What is your first language? How old are you? Why are you afraid of homosexuality? 

 

Edited by seeking_brilliance

Check out my lucid dreaming adventure series, Stars of Clay  Season two is now in production! 

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By far the most effective way to do psychoanalysis is by using psychedelics.

You can use them to understand every aspect of your neuroses.

It will save you YEARS and thousands in $$$.

If people had easy access to psychedelics, psychoanalysts would be homeless.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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7 hours ago, seeking_brilliance said:

Where are you from? What is your first language? How old are you? Why are you afraid of homosexuality? 

 

Azerbaijan. Azerbaijani. 33.

I am afraid of passive homosexuality, not active. That 70 days concern was absurd. I dont know why it happened.

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

By far the most effective way to do psychoanalysis is by using psychedelics.

You can use them to understand every aspect of your neuroses.

It will save you YEARS and thousands in $$$.

If people had easy access to psychedelics, psychoanalysts would be homeless.

Just psychedelics will bring me happiness?

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17 minutes ago, Buba said:

Just psychedelics will bring me happiness?

No.

They are a tool for ridding yourself of the devil in you.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Buba You were honest and was willing to be vulnerable and it backfired among people who had fear conditioned into them. IMO You don't need healed. Just decide not to be divided against yourself. You're the boss of you!  You might not need to advertise it a great deal if you live in an environment where there's a lot of homophobia and such but you're the boss of your sexlife. Don't let them instill guilt in you. Maybe you can smooth things out with your folks over time and then just live the life that you choose to live. Good luck to you,,,


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

No.

They are a tool for ridding yourself of the devil in you.

I am mentally sick. My sense of self hurts. What else would you recommend?

 

3 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@Buba You were honest and was willing to be vulnerable and it backfired among people who had fear conditioned into them. IMO You don't need healed. Just decide not to be divided against yourself. You're the boss of you!  You might not need to advertise it a great deal if you live in an environment where there's a lot of homophobia and such but you're the boss of your sexlife. Don't let them instill guilt in you. Maybe you can smooth things out with your folks over time and then just live the life that you choose to live. Good luck to you,,,

I accept my homosexuality, it is almost only in fantasies.

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3 hours ago, Buba said:

I am mentally sick. My sense of self hurts. What else would you recommend?

You must seek the healing that only Truth and Love can give.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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On 6.8.2020 at 3:02 AM, Leo Gura said:

If people had easy access to psychedelics, psychoanalysts would be homeless.

Do you really think that? I think it would be dangerous if mentally ill persons had easy access to psychedelics.

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41 minutes ago, acidgoofy said:

Do you really think that? I think it would be dangerous if mentally ill persons had easy access to psychedelics.

I was speaking simplistically. I was not making a public policy prescription.

Obviously access to psychedelics must be regulated in some way and people must be taught how to use them safely and effectively.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Buba so then why are you afraid of 'passive' homosexuality? Why? Why are you letting it bring so much suffering? Are you unsafe in your country for homosexuality? Do you live with your parents? 

Edited by seeking_brilliance

Check out my lucid dreaming adventure series, Stars of Clay  Season two is now in production! 

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What's the difference between passive and active homosexuality ? :ph34r:

 

My man I know u must be very afraid and stress but do not worry, there is nothing wrong with you. If you're parents cannot accept you that's their problem, you're only role is to be and don't be afraid of what you are at this moment. 

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I agree that psychedelics are very effective and potent.

But precisely because of that potency, therapy is the safer approach. It may take longer but there's less of a chance of getting even more traumatized, which can happen with psychedelics because your defense mechanisms aren't so active. 

Don't get me wrong, I think psychedelics can be a great tool and often give you important insights faster than therapy. Just be cautious if you decide to use them.

Also, they won't cure you, you still need to work on what they show you. 

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On 8/6/2020 at 4:32 PM, Leo Gura said:

You must seek the healing that only Truth and Love can give.

How?

3 hours ago, seeking_brilliance said:

@Buba so then why are you afraid of 'passive' homosexuality? Why? Why are you letting it bring so much suffering? Are you unsafe in your country for homosexuality? Do you live with your parents? 

I live with my parents. I am ok with my sexuality. I am mainly heterosexual. I have little homosexuality. I feel discomfort because I told them about my homosexuality. I miss my heterosexual image. My sense of self hurts. I am mentally crippled.

1 hour ago, wavydude said:

What's the difference between passive and active homosexuality ? :ph34r:

 

My man I know u must be very afraid and stress but do not worry, there is nothing wrong with you. If you're parents cannot accept you that's their problem, you're only role is to be and don't be afraid of what you are at this moment. 

I cant explain my problem. They accept me, but my pure heterosexual image destroyed and I feel miserable.

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45 minutes ago, Buba said:

They accept me, but my pure heterosexual image destroyed and I feel miserable.

It's just an image, it's not you. If it's not true than good that it's destroyed. 

You want to be honest and not care what others think or you want to keep false self image ? If you want false self image than you are going to suffer. It's your choice.

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@Buba you are working very hard on how homosexual you are, as if there's a level.  If you are even one tenth homosexual, then you are Bi or pansexual.  You can not claim to be homosexual AND heterosexual, because they cancel each other out. Is it difficult for you to move out and live on your own at 33 years old? 

 

Edited by seeking_brilliance

Check out my lucid dreaming adventure series, Stars of Clay  Season two is now in production! 

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2 hours ago, wavydude said:

It's just an image, it's not you. If it's not true than good that it's destroyed. 

You want to be honest and not care what others think or you want to keep false self image ? If you want false self image than you are going to suffer. It's your choice.

But my homosexuality is very little. So my heterosexual image was somehow real.

32 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

@Buba you are working very hard on how homosexual you are, as if there's a level.  If you are even one tenth homosexual, then you are Bi or pansexual.  You can not claim to be homosexual AND heterosexual, because they cancel each other out. Is it difficult for you to move out and live on your own at 33 years old? 

 

In my country people live with their parents until they marry.

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2 hours ago, Buba said:

But my homosexuality is very little. So my heterosexual image was somehow real.

So you are heterosexual but you but you just have some homosexual fantasies ? Maybe it's because you're sexuality is repressed that's why you are having these fantasies, this is something that you need to find a way to explore. 

Most important thing is that you should stop stress about it, there is nothing wrong with you even if you have homosexual fantasies, be gentle with yourself, stay open minded.

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Buddy, it's clear that something inside you is screaming for freedom, and I doubt it has anything to do with sex. I think you must be brave and radical. act, and fight the battles that life has put before you. You seem to have something important: honesty. I hope you have something also important: courage. You have to break your chains and be free .talk now about psychedelics ...who knows, maybe better later. you have a lot of work to do before that I think, a lot of real action. good luck, you have a nice adventure ahead. 

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