Friend wanting to go back to toxic ex straining our friendship

[Lyubov]

So a friend of mine that I hold space for often is letting herself be manipulated and pulled back to spending time with her very toxic ex. She gave him thousands of dollars to bail him out of jail that he never (and will never) pay back. On top of that he was emotionally abusive to her and all and all they were an awfully dysfunctional and toxic couple. For a while initially I could see she was stuck in trauma and abandonment stories from her past and over time I held a lot of space for her and have her a lot of advice on becoming her own master and living a true life. She eventually broke up with him but was still sending him money cause she felt bad for him and eventually she stopped doing that and cut him out completely. She started doing much better in life and I felt happy I was able to help her. To me friendship is about helping one another be the best person you can be and breaking old beliefs and cycles of toxicity and trauma. 

Anyways she tells me today he reached out to her today after many months and said he was sorry to her and admitted how he was all wrong. She just kept writing me all this bullshit how she thinks he has changed... And asked me what she should do... I felt kinda angry and drained from this and told her I'm not going to tell her what to do and that I think she knows what's best for her and that she knows what I would tell her but if she wants to make the same mistakes again I can't help her this time around cause it's really draining and enabling. 

What would you do in such a situation when a friend is acting out their emotional addiction and it strains your friendship?

[Gili Trawangan]

Nothing.

It sounds like a good opportunity for you to look at your own attachments and to why this is bothering you so much. People will do what people will do.

It's understandable that you're frustrated, it sounds like your friend is being stupid, but that's really not your problem. Nor do you have any power or control over what she will do.

[Lyubov]

38 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Nothing.

It sounds like a good opportunity for you to look at your own attachments and to why this is bothering you so much. People will do what people will do.

It's understandable that you're frustrated, it sounds like your friend is being stupid, but that's really not your problem. Nor do you have any power or control over what she will do.

yeah you're right...

“you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink”

I suppose it just hurts cause I don't wanna see them get hurt again. It also feels like it distances my friendship with them since I'm wanting to build more deeper and healthy friendships and someone who seems to be at a place that isn't really at the same vibe where am at makes me feel less close to them.

[soos_mite_ah]

As much as you might want to help, there isnt much that you can do here. Your friend needs to come to her own conclusions. Hell sometimes getting frustrated and trying to interfere to much can make people dig their heels in even more. There is nothing wrong with being a listening ear but I would say if it is draining you, it's best to put up boundaries and say something along the lines "hey I dont feel comfortable talking about this." If she reacts well, great but if she doesn't, that's on her. People only get mad at your boundaries if they benefited you from having none. 

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

As much as you might want to help, there isnt much that you can do here. Your friend needs to come to her own conclusions. Hell sometimes getting frustrated and trying to interfere to much can make people dig their heels in even more. There is nothing wrong with being a listening ear but I would say if it is draining you, it's best to put up boundaries and say something along the lines "hey I dont feel comfortable talking about this." If she reacts well, great but if she doesn't, that's on her. People only get mad at your boundaries if they benefited you from having none. 

Thanks, you are right. I've put up some space and asked to change the subject since she brought it up. I'm going to just be a positive and helpful friend but if she brings this up I'm going to say that it's draining and I don't wanna talk about it with her. 

[Gesundheit]

I have an ass female friend who is stuck in chasing an ass male friend of mine. She comes to me when she feels lonely and especially when he dismisses her. I use this as a practice for being a dick. I become extremely blunt and I use blasphemy with her lol. She takes it all so lightly because I convinced her that that's who I am lol. When I'm bored I don't even reply to her. It's fun to try on and explore the feminine perspective.

[soos_mite_ah]

@Gesundheit that's not necessarily the feminine perspective. That's just being desperate/lonely lol 

[Gesundheit]

6 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@Gesundheit that's not necessarily the feminine perspective. That's just being desperate/lonely lol 

That's partially what I meant but not everything. I also meant being completely detached and free to behave however I want and still be accepted lol. I'm exploring this directly as she needs someone like me to talk to.