Kross

I Hate My Father

11 posts in this topic

I hate my father. He expects me and my mother to follow all his orders just because he's providing for us. Providing for us is the only reason on the basis of which he expects love. I appreciate him bringing money and food, but there's nothing more to him. He's an extreme narcissist and gets angry every 5 minutes. He has been verbally, and sometimes physically abusing my mother IN FRONT OF ME since I can remember and that has given me a good amount of trauma. He expects my mother to follow all kinds of traditional roles of a 'good family woman' and makes her suffer. 

I've feared him since I was born. He's been super controlling. Still to this day, when I think of doing something new (which I know is good for me, I'm not talking about trying drugs), I always fear whether he would allow it. He's a devil at home and presents himself like an angel outside. I HATE it when certain relatives tell me that they think my mother is all the problem in the family, when I know the reality. I've tried to pretend to myself that I love him, but its not honest. I can understand his struggles and can empathize with him sometimes, but I've feared him so much since I was a little child that I can't love him. All throughout my life I've witnessed him just sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, barking abusive stuff. No matter how much shitty things he does, he always plays the victim card. No matter how much stuff I've learned from Leo over the years that I try to apply here, I still hate him. 

Together we can't enjoy, we can't play, we can't share feelings, we can't talk for more than 5 minutes without him being 'the one having more wisdom'.

But oh boy, we can argue. We can fight. And he is pardoned becuase he puts decent food on the plate. If he were to pass away tomorrow, I would miss him for one and one reason only, and that is he allowed me and my mother to live in his house. What a holy man. What an entitled asshole I am to demand a peaceful environment at home when I'm getting my own clothes to wear.

I want to live separately, but the problem is I've just become an adult and can see no near escape. I think I might go crazy and take some bad steps in one of the arguments I might have with him in the future - and that is when I'm 25,000 times calmer than him.

 

Edited by Kross

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It's good that you are trying to understand him but of course don't force yourself to love him. That would be self-sabotage.

Do your best currently to create a plan for your future. Ask your friends and relatives to help you out if necessary. Once you have everything ready and in place, move out and take care of yourself and don't look back.

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I would get out of that situation as soon as possible, you're not required to love someone who doesn't treat you properly.  Make a long-term plan and stick to it, and in the meantime do your best not to invoke his rage.

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@Kross That seems like a very rough childhood. 

No wonder that you don't feel like you love him. Maybe you do but it's "buried" beneath hatred, fear, etc. Or maybe you don't. Whatever it is, it's OK and it makes complete sense to me that you say that you don't love him. To love someone, you usually have to feel like they are also taking your needs into account (taking care of economic needs is not enough).

Why would you love someone who has treated you badly and who still does that?

IMO, the healthiest thing for you would be to get out of there as soon as you can. Maybe consider living with some roommates or something. 

Until then, protect yourself from his anger as best as you can. I would avoid any confrontation with him. I know that sucks, because you may feel like you're tolerating his behavior by not confronting him, but he won't change anyways. If he threatens your mother, call the police. He would have to want to change, take full responsibility over his actions and that's a process that is long and difficult even when you're motivated. Based on your description, I don't see that happening anytime soon. 

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Man, you described my father to a tee.  You're not alone, my man.  From the sounds of it though I think I'm a bit older than you and can probably give you some perspective on how to handle it.  You're probably not going to like my answer, but hear me out.  

All this stuff, you're going to have to take it on the chin the best you possibly can right now.  The best thing for you to do is to work as hard as you can to become independent.  Avoid conflict with him as much as possible, in fact, avoid him in general.  Fight with him as little as possible, understand how you trigger him and avoid the triggers.  Your instinct is to punch back right now, but you have to try to learn self-control.   

Come to terms with the fact that your father and your relationship will possibly and probably never improve, in fact, often times they can get worse with age.  My father has only gotten worse in his old age.  The only way for me to deal with him is to come into contact with him as little as possible when I do come into contact to be as least confrontational as possible.  This may seem like I'm folding to him, but I'm not.  I would never let him do anything that would have a tangible negative effect on my life.  You just have to learn how to tap dance around the anger and narcissism in a way that doesn't compromise your life or morals in any meaningful way.  

Lastly, it takes two to tango.  You have to be honest with yourself and understand where your faults are.  What traits and behaviors do YOU need to work on to better yourself and your situation with your father?  Often times we vilify others as an excuse to ignore our own villainy.  Just because your father is terrible it doesn't give you an excuse to ignore your own growth as a person.   

I too know what it's like to have a narcissistic sociopath for a father.  You're strong enough to survive it and even thrive, you're just going to have to weather this the best you can right now.  

Edited by Heart of Space

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@Kross

Uff. I never experienced a similar situation since I've grown without a father. I am sure one of the biggest self-growth steps for you in the future will be to fully forgive your father. This is the step for the future. As for now, I'd try to avoid arguing with him as much as possible, focus on what you want. Avoid him in general as much as possible until you can break free, live independently. When you live independently you can start a process of forgiving your father.

🙏


What a dream, what a joke, love it 

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2 hours ago, allislove said:

I am sure one of the biggest self-growth steps for you in the future will be to fully forgive your father.

Yes, if that is possible, it's usually what heals the trauma the most.

But I think he will probably need to give himself permission to hate, cry, etc., before being able to forgive. 

2 hours ago, allislove said:

 

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It can really suck to outgrow your parents this early, but it's also a kind of blessing, even though it might not seem like it now. Provided that he is really so ignorant, I think talking to him about things will not have much effect, the best thing you can do is work on yourself, lead by example, maybe he will join, or else you will become more independent and will not need him anymore. 

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Don't you see it's wrong to hate? 

Love doesnt mean approving of what someone does. Shouldnt we love everyone, no matter what they have done and are doing?


He who is dead must pray for life,

For the living shall never die.

divine love

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30 minutes ago, Artsu said:

Don't you see it's wrong to hate? 

Love doesnt mean approving of what someone does. Shouldnt we love everyone, no matter what they have done and are doing?

You're correct.  But you're disregarding the difficulty involved in getting to this point.  It takes a lot of work, discipline, and maturity to get over many years of abuse.  

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