Stuck in a dilemma

[Poop]

So, I have been in a relationship with a guy for two years. It started in a weird way, back then. We weren’t attracted to each other or have any feelings, except being comfortable together. So we decided to date, maybe not for the right reasons. But with time a lot of feelings grew between us. As if we built intimacy from point zero.

I once read here an answer for leo that says you can grow intimate with any person if you decided to. I believe if you hold that opinion as true you will be capable of doing that, as beliefs manifest themselves into reality. But I don’t seem to be able to do it completely in my case.

We are in a point in our relationship were we need to decide if we are going to take the next step and get married. But neither of us is sure about this step. We are not even sure if we love each other. Sometimes he says that he loves me, other times he says he have feelings for me. I feel the same. Sometimes I feel I love him and other times I’m not even sure. Is that normal in relationships? That impermanence? I’m unable to compare because that’s my first one.

It feels like there’s something missing between us. Maybe a lack of chemistry/compatibility/the feeling of belonging to one another. And because of that error I feel stressed out and anxious. I want this relationship to work out and with this person. Can be that an indication that I love him?

I’m always wondering if there’s a better relationship with a more loving person. A relationship that doesn’t feel forced and needs a lot of work. But I’m afraid that such thing doesn’t exist except in my daydreams and high expectations.

I don’t want to leave and the idea of it makes me depressed. But I’m not feeling comfortable staying forever and I’m afraid that I will regret it afterwards.

Earlier this year, we broke up but after four months I talked to him again. Wanted to mention that because it might occur to you that we are just attached or got used to each other. In that period I got comfortable alone and partially moved on but I couldn’t tolerate the idea of not speaking to him at all or not knowing how he is doing.

So how can I be sure if what is between us is love or not? Should I try more or not? Should I stop thinking about it and let it unfold naturally in whatever way? Because I feel the more I try and feel anxious about it, the more unsatisfied I become. Maybe because of my expectations and what should have happened. But I’m afraid if I stopped trying, that will let the relationship die. Nowadays, I’m not comfortable with not knowing what to do in my situation. I want to feel certain and assured. I hate the hesitations. I hate that I might be preventing both of us a more comfortable relationship where each feels more love. I feel that we want to have more feelings between us but there’s some blockage.

I feel I have more to say and other questions that keeps me stuck in a loop. Questions that leads to a more metaphysical type of questions. I’m unable to answer any because how could I be sure except through experiencing. Can I know just through speculating and theorizing?

What do you think I should do?

If anyone went through the same situation, I would like to hear what happened.

[Preety_India]

I have never been in such a situation before, not this level of uncertainty so I might have some difficulty in responding to this. 

Maybe a more direct approach will significantly reduce this white noise in your mind. I also see that your partner is very hesitant and not too quick on making any favorable moves, that looks difficult to me. I think there should be effort on both sides. 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[Poop]

@Preety_India i mentioned up that he feels the same. 

i actually opened this subject many times with him and he feels the same. He isn't sure and doesn't have an answer too. But i feel i made him more uncertain with my questions and digging. He isn't the type who questions a lot or speak about a situation that might be bothering him. 

He's torn between leaving or staying too. but he's not initiative lately. so i can't depend on him here.  

[allislove]

@Poop the first step is to decide on your part what you want.
Ask the question: "Do I want to enjoy my life together with this person?".
If the answer is "Hell, yes!" then continue the relationship.

Focus on yourself, don't try to fix something. Relax, do what you enjoy more often.
No need to figure out how to get something, only figure out what you want.

Listening by focusing on a deep breath is a good practice to create a space for a person, to open the person for a deep conversation.

[Poop]

@allislove I don't know what I want. Maybe because I started digging into what love is and why that person specifically. And it appears that that selection is based on one's conditioning. So the feelings seem groundless and an illusion. Maybe that created my hesitation toward the idea of spending my life with a person. I don't know if that's a thing I want to do.
 
But at the same time, I want to be in a relationship and feel the whole spectrum of emotions. There's conflict in me. I think because I know the truth behind my emotions, as if I'm looking from the outside and not totally immersed in the relationship. That's why I can't say hell yes. I'm not sure if my feelings can be called love or based on love. 
Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

[allislove]

@Poop

Imagine that from early childhood you wear sunglasses. You wear them for so long that you are not aware of them at all. The glasses with time passing by becoming dirtier and dirtier. So, it's hard to see as it is. By over-thinking about the past or over-thinking about the future of your relationship you just add more dirt to the glasses. Clarity never arises while thinking about the past or future. Clarity regarding your relationship or anything else is always now.
I enjoy riding a mountain bike in the forest. What do you enjoy? Try to do what you enjoy more often, be easy on yourself, let go of the thoughts that don't feel good to you, believe in yourself. By doing so you are clearing your sunglasses. At some point, you even may drop them altogether. The clarity is always when you are relaxed. The clarity is always when you are fully present in the moment. That's why it's important to "bring" yourself into now by doing what you enjoy. When you are happy, go to your partner, listen, focus on deep breathing, give love. A relationship is all about having fun, enjoying time together.

Godspeed.

[Gesundheit]

Don't do it.

If you're both not 100% sure you want it, then why are you even considering? You both need to want the relationship and marriage. That's like basic stuff. If there's 0.00001% doubt, that means something is wrong.

It's not a dilemma. It's approaching something new from a place of lack. Of course you will not want to let go. You will think he's irreplaceable. He will probably think the same. But just look outside. There are always other more compatible options.