soos_mite_ah

The Joy Journal

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Posted (edited)

Crazy Crystal Astrology Lady Things

So I'm currently working at a home decor store and while restocking the shelves, I found this set of 12 crystals for $25. The box was pretty heavy and the crystals were unpolished. I'm a little skeptical on how real the crystals are since they were so cheap but I feel like unpolished crystals are harder to fake than their polished counter parts since people can color glass and sell them as a polished crystal. The amethyst in the collection seems pretty promising as it is kind of clear and the color is inconsistent meaning it's unlikely that it was made in a lab. 

I'm not super into crystals. I thought about dipping my toe in just for fun, the opportunity presented itself, and I bought the collection using an employee discount. Two things came to mind. One, I'm turning into the crazy spiritual crystal lady (in a good way I mean this light heartedly lol). And two, I'm returning to my previous crystal ways. I remember as a kid, my uncle would take me hiking. He used to work in mines and got his college degree on geology. He would teach me about crystals, how they formed, and how to spot one. It was mainly from a science pov. It wasn't not a spiritual thing. And even though I didn't really get into crystals in a spiritual way, I got into them as a kid because, well, I like shiny things. And I find myself getting into them again for the same reason. It's not that deep lol. 

Also, I've been getting into astrology lately because my tiktok and youtube algorithm decided that I should get into it lol. I keep getting thing related to astrology in my feed. I keep getting these posts that are along the lines of how empires last for roughly 250 years and that's because around that mark the empire's birth chart goes through its Pluto return (Pluto returns back to the same place as it was when the empire was founded). When the Pluto returns back to it's original place, there is usually a lot of chaos, the empire basically either combusts from the inside or it goes through a lot and comes out much stronger. Apparently, the U.S. is going to have it's Pluto return from 2022 to 2024. During those years, the planets that are going to be in the sky are also going to be in the same place as they were in the French Revolution. So in other words, a lot of the leftist astrology people think that American style capitalism is going to go through a bunch of changes and the next few years are going to be messy af. 

Idk if any of this is real. When it comes to crystals and astrology, I don't believe or disbelieve it. I'm just here for the fun and the memes (but I will say that the descriptions behind my Virgo Venus and my Pisces moon did leave me feeling called tf out and personally attacked) But I swear to god, if there is some type of stage green revolution that comes up in the next decade, I'm going to start collecting more crystals and take it seriously when people talk about mercury being in gatorade. 

Also there is this astrologer that my friend recommended that I follow back when the pandemic first started. This woman predicted when we were getting the vaccine in the end of December around the 21st, who was going to win the 2020 election, and the fact that things will open up in summer 2021 but will go back to lock down in fall/winter 2021. So far, she's been correct, and I've been sitting there shook every time something came true.  Mind you, she made these conclusions in March 2020.

 Finally, I decided that I was going to look at my astrological birth chart again. I uncovered some shit to say the least. But that's going to be a future post. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Posted (edited)

My Birth Chart

Ok so this conversation with a friend started with her talking about Lana Del Rey's birth chart and apparently how our charts have similarities and complement each other. I'm not going to get too into that but I got curious and I thought I'd look into my birth chart more. I knew what my placements were and what they indicated (like what a scorpio mercury meant) but I wasn't super sure when it comes to aspects and how they relate to the houses so there was an entire dimension I guess I didn't consider too much. 

I found this website called astro-charts.com and I like this website because not only does it give you the planet positions but it also shows any big picture patterns that might come up. This website for instance did show me that I have a grand trine, a grand cross, and a kite formation on my chart. These formation and the colors of each of these lines are determined by how many degrees apart each planet is from each other. Just for  a quick run down, the red lines represent placements that square each other meaning they are 90 degrees apart. This is usually a challenging placement for energies that clash with each other. The blue lines represent oppositions or planets that are 180 degrees apart. Planets that are in opposition are often in signs that are opposite to each other. This can be challenging but it can also be something that helps balance an individual out. Then you have the green lines which represents trines which happen when planets are 120 degrees apart. Usually these planets are in the same element and they compliment each other. This is pretty favorable, luck, and easy to have since there aren't any challenges present. The purple lines are sextile lines and they are for planets that are 60 degrees apart. They are also pretty favorable and positive, but it isn't to the same extent as trines. Finally, you have the yellow lines which are quincunxes which are 150 degrees apart. Usually the energy around planets that are like this is that they are awkward and they don't have much in common with each other. Tbh, I'm not going to focus on that aspect because I don't feel like it. 

Capture.PNGCapture 2.PNG

So now, what happens when all of these trines, sextiles, squares, and oppositions have a pattern and create diagrams? That's what I'm going to explain using my chart because my chart looks unhinged lol (years ago my mom went to an astrologer and this man told me that my chart looked cursed. Granted he was using the wrong birth time and I decided to check on what he was looking at and to be fair, that chart looked rough, but not cursed. THIS CHART is cursed lmao:D). 

Here is the basics of what I'll be talking about.

Trines and Sextiles= good.

Oppositions and squares= bad and/or challenging

Green equilateral triangles and kite formations= We love it we're here for it. We love green equilateral triangles. Bad bitch energy. Healthy and happy queens. 

Square formations with crosses inside of them= YIKES!. Run. There is trauma. There is chaos. Cursed. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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I'm going to do a part two on my  findings and understanding about all of this but if there is anyone really into astrology and knows what they're doing, I'm happy to receive input lol.


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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My Birth Chart Findings and Understandings Part 1 Big Picture Aspects 

I'm going to start talking about the messier parts of my birth chart first and then end on a good note. 

In other words, I'm going to start off by discussing the cursed square in the middle grand cross. 

Grand crosses occur when you have a lot of planets in one modality due to the number of degrees it takes for one to form. The modalities are cardinal, fixed and mutable. Cardinal signs consist of Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn. They tend to be assertive, energetic, and dynamic, however this can lead to being too hyperactive and burn out. This energy manifests in different ways in each of the signs. Fixed signs consist of Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius. They tend to be  persistent, stable, and resistant to change, however they can also be rather stubborn. Mutable signs are Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces. They tend to be flexible, adaptable, and openminded, however they can sometimes have issues with boundaries and not have backbone. I have a grand fixed cross. Lana Del Rey also has the same grand cross but she has them with different planets. And as much as I love her music, given the topics she sings about, lets just say that unfortunately, I don't want to experience any of the things she went through. So I'm scared lol. This is how I generally feel about my grand cross:

My planets in my grand cross consist of my sun, my ascendant, my midheaven, my Neptune, and my Jupiter. This is basically the gist of what that means that I copied and pasted from a couple of the websites I looked at: 

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This (grand cross)  takes place with a combination of all four fixed signs—Leo, Aquarius, Taurus, and Scorpio—which are so set in their ways that they're prone to holding patterns. And with a fixed cross, a person can end up similarly stuck with the more troublesome qualities of a particular sign.

"With a Grand Fixed Cross, the person can get stuck in one of the planets' qualities without balancing the other planets," says Kavanagh. "This results in a fixed position where they cannot benefit from the themes and positive traits of the other planet or sign."

"A theme here is very much a resistance to change, so learning flexibility is very important with a Grand Fixed Cross." —Kavanagh

A Fixed Cross aspect can also impact a person's ability to seamlessly roll with the punches. "Another theme here is very much a resistance to change, so learning flexibility is very important with a Grand Fixed Cross," Kavanagh says. "Otherwise, the person could find themselves staying on track with a course that doesn't truly serve them, and get stuck."

 

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FIXED.   The Fixed signs are focused on the questions of self-worth. The focus gets directed based on whether the individual has the ability to acknowledge the worth of the self and mastery (Taurus), creativity and spirit (Leo), vulnerability and trust (Scorpio), and humanity and brotherhood (Aquarius). The main purpose of the Fixed signs is to uphold and maintain the activity that the Cardinal signs created and initiated. The Fixed signs are not ready to "move" from the course of action taken and may resist any efforts to implement change. When the Fixed Cross is activated by transiting aspects, the tendency is for the four planets to hold their course and resist outside pressures for change. Resistance seems to be the main energy of the Fixed Grand Cross in an effort to carry on or maintain homeostasis, rather than flow with an energy that might change the course. On the other hand, when the Fixed Cross individual does initiate action, it can be exceedingly difficult to stop the momentum. The Fixed Cross is like a locomotive - slow to start but once in motion, stays on track and is exceedingly difficult to stop until it has run its course. The self-worth of the Fixed Grand Cross develops unconsciously, for better or for worse. The value that the individual has of the self will be exhibited in their self-esteem. The challenge for the individual with a Fixed Grand Cross is to find the ability to allow flexibility into their activities and to share their accomplishments with others.

Also in general, when people have grand crosses, they have too much of one kind of energy. In my case with my fixed grand cross, that means I have a lot of stubborn and persistent energy. But because it's with all four signs, that stubborn energy clashes with each other and pulls people in multiple direction causing confusion, chaos, challenges, and more. Life can feel like a series of traumas and for those with a fixed grand cross, often times, it can feel like life is going nowhere and is totally stagnant. However, when the individual with a grand cross is able to balance the energies and have them compliment one another instead of competing with one another, a lot of good things can come from that. But you have to really struggle with figuring your life out first. And there is going to be a lot of struggle. The specifics on what those struggles will be and how they will play out depends on the planets/ houses that consist of the grand cross as well as any other aspects in the birth chart so I don't have the specifics on that for my chart. 

I'd say that I can relate to this. My life does feel like a series of traumatic events and feeling pressurized by myself and others to figure things out. I do tend to feel stuck and stagnant a lot of the time (not including the current phase I'm going through). I have struggled with a lot of self worth issues because of various traumatic instances. I also always had a hunch that once I clear out my trauma and logistically get things together that I could really do something worthwhile with my life. 

Next we have my grand trine. A grand trine occurs when there is a planet in each element and they line up to form an equilateral triangle. The elements are fire, earth, air, and water. Fire signs consist of Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius. Earth signs are Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. Air signs are Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. And finally, water signs are Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces. However, it isn't always in the same element because it also depends on the degrees they are apart (they need to be 120 degrees apart). For instance, my grand trine consists of my moon in Pisces (which is super close to an Aries moon), my midheaven in Leo, and my Chiron in Sagittarius.
 Basically, from what I can gather, grand trines are extremely lucky and harmonious. People who have a grand trine are people who things come really easily to them. They don't have to struggle much and they tend to be charismatic, talented, etc. The odds are in their favor. Grand trines can also come in different elements. I guess I would have a fire grand trine since the trine consists of Leo and Sagittarius and a late Pisces/ almost Aries. This is what I could gather about fire grand trines: 

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A grand trine appears in the natal chart when three planets are separated from each other 120°. It occurs between three signs of the same element. They represent a balanced and harmonic association, which is why it is considered that the appearance of a grand trine in the natal chart speaks of talent.

It is an aspect that shows us the personality traits. In general, people with a grand trine in their natal chart are naturally inclined to use that available energy. But if you also become aware of it, it is possible to enhance that talent and use it to stand out in some areas of life.

A grand fire trine occurs between the signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. Those who have this aspect in their birth chart are extremely active and restless people. They are not interested in comfort or common places. On the contrary, they are people who are naturally attracted to challenges and changes, and face them with confidence and without fear.

Generally, they tend to be people who shine in whatever initiative they undertake, and they do not have a hard time achieving success. They are the type of person who stands out in all places and draws the attention and looks of others, for their spontaneity and security in their goals.

To some extent, you could say that a person who has a grand fire trine in her birth chart are adventurers, artists, or great leaders. They are always occupying places that require all the time to be in transformation. For some this can be exhausting, but for people with this aspect in their natal chart is their true motivation, and they move in change like fish in water.

If we are going by elemental grand trines instead of specific degrees, I guess you could also say that I have another earth grand trine with my Venus in Virgo, my Mars in Capricorn, and my Saturn and Jupiter both in Taurus. I don't think that can count because the degrees don't form a triangle but here is a brief description of an earth grand trine: 

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This astral aspect tells us about a good time to achieve professional goals. People with this trine are the ones who turn their ideas into reality, after thinking about what to do, they act to make things happen.

Individuals born with the grand earth trine feel a deep need for inner security and stability. Due to the powerful magnetism of this configuration, there are plenty of opportunities for tangible support.

This grand trine, in addition to showing individuals who desire security and stability, manifests its great workforce, organization, analytical capacity, discipline and determination. However, what they must do has to be previously planned and not left to chance.

I think I also remembered reading that earth grand trines also tend to handle difficult situations well and tend to have a really level head. 

While grand trines are typically really lucky, the down side to this is that some people tend to coast on that luck without developing any skills or disciplines or a lack of challenge from having an easy life can lead one to become stagnant and never actualize their luck and talents. I think this is where my grand cross and my grand trine compliment each other well in a chaotic way. The grand trine ensures that I can get out of the difficulties with the grand cross in one piece while the grand cross ensure that I don't get a moment to get complacent because essentially, I'm not going to get a day of rest in my life. 

And finally, we have my kite formation that is made by my fire grand trine along with my Neptune in Aquarius. Here is a simple description on what it means to have a kite in your chart: 

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A Kite is a planetary aspect pattern that occurs when three planets in the chart form a Grand Trine and a fourth planet is opposite (180°) one of the Grant Trine planets, and thus forms a sextile aspect (60°) to the other two configured planets.

Kite patterns share many of the characteristics of the Grand Trine, but the fourth planet, in opposition, adds an additional point of tension and challenge to the pattern. This planet, sometimes known as the focal planet, often forms a point of emphasis for the native with this pattern—a place they can channel the talents inherent in the Grand Trine. The sextile aspects create areas of potential resolution for the tension inherent in the opposition.

So from what I'm understanding, it's similar to my grand trine in that it's lucky but at the same time the tension ensures that I don't get complacent and coast. In a way, I think it complements both the energies of my grand trine as well as my grand cross but it leans more towards the luck of the grand trine because kites consists of the grand trine. 

I think I can also relate to both of the grand trines that I mentioned. Growing up I could grasp a lot of concepts easily whether it consisted of how I should act, academic materials, and I guess life lessons. Because of those things, despite having all types of issues growing up in my household, my parents always described me as an easy child to raise. Whenever they say that, to me that always sounded weird because I feel like I have a good idea of all of the ways I was simply not fine and all of the ways my parents messed up on raising me (it's the grand cross talking lol). And when I lightly bring that up, they usually respond with something along the lines of "well with issues like yours, if you were more impulsive and didn't have the right head on your shoulders, you could have easily been the type of person who would've dropped out, gotten pregnant young, and/or gotten into drugs." I always had that feeling as well. I always felt like that I had just the right amount of priviledged to avoid the worst possible case scenario. There are little cross road that I think of and sometimes I think that if I didn't slow down and think things through, I could have ended up in a very different place. Not to absolve me from any situation in my life, but I think a lot of the shit that did happen to me had to do with things that were out of my control. Even though my life isn't great and I do have to deal with quite a lot, I think in most cases I have taken the best possible decision I could given my options. And for that, I do think there is some luck involved. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Posted (edited)

A little update since my last mental break down. It's been a little more than 3 weeks since that argument. I think I'm finally feeling ok. Me dealing with this came in stages. The first week I felt incredibly disoriented, The second week had me feeling lonely and terrified in the beginning and then later on it had me feeling dead inside. i felt dead inside for a little bit of this weak but over all I've been feeling neutral. I think at this rate I should be fine by next week and somewhat be back to being myself.  

Edited by soos_mite_ah

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Memories that Haunt Me

Ok so there is this memory from when I was 9 that has been haunting me since 2016 or so. It was January 2009. Obama just got elected president. I'm chillin in the 3rd grade and we were doing the unit on slavery, Jim Crowe, and segregation in history class. My teacher rolls out the TV on one of those rolly stand things, sits the entire class down, and had us watch the entire inauguration. Again, I was 9. I knew the bare bones basics of racism and didn't get the whole systemic aspect of it as much. I remember thinking  *huh interesting, I'm alive to see the first black president. It really wasn't that long ago since segregation was a thing. That's so crazy for people who were alive back then to be able to see this now.* I also started thinking about other historical events we discussed in school ranging from wars, inventions, little fun facts, things of that nature.

After the inauguration, we basically had a discussion as a class. I remember saying this. "I wonder what other historical events I'm going to live through in my life." And I remember exactly the feeling that was going through me. It was this feeling of anticipation and excitement. Part of the issue with history I remember encountering at that age was that all of the grand stories happened before I was born. As a result, I remember feeling this detachment from the reality of those events whether it was super positive like the first airplane being built or super chaotic like the Civil War. That disconnect kind of made history boring and unrelatable. Plus in hindsight, I was a literal child. There was only so much that I could empathize with and there was only so much the adults would tell us because when you're teaching history to kids, you don't want to leave things out but you want to present them in a way that it's age appropriate so you don't end up scarring them since young children can only process so much.  

At the end of the day, I came back from school and I turned on the TV as usual to watch cartoons. I flipped it to PBS Kids because I wanted to watch Arthur. And there was Obama. I flipped through all of the other channels whether they be kids channels or not and everyone was talking about Obama. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling slightly annoyed. Like, again, I'm just trying to watch Arthur. I also remember thinking *you know I get that this is important, but damn, guess it's REALLY important.* I was at the age where I saw politics as an old person thing and the thing that we would try to get the parents talking about right before we were about to leave our friend's house so that they would get into a discussion and we would have extra time to play. 

The next day I go to school and I start talking to some of the kids in my class and they also had the same experiences with trying to watch TV and just encountering Obama everywhere they looked. I just remember one kid saying "It's like wherever you look THERE HE IS ~~***OBAMA***~~. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE OBAMA." And then we kind of tried to brain storm what other significant historic events we would go through because we were in this mood of THIS IS SO EXCITING I'M ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING A HISTORIC EVENT IN REAL TIME THAT I'M GOING TO REMEMBER WHEN I GROW UP!!!! HISTORY IS SO COOL!!!! 

Some of the things we came up with were wars, bombs, protests, zombie apocalypse, flying cars, aliens, or really any invention we saw in the Meet the Robinsons. Oh yeah, we also thought of the world ending in 2012 and the natural disasters that would happen because that was something that was on TV every now and then. We were basically trying to come up with the most dramatic thing we could think of that we would all be affected by. 

I also remember watching the news every now and then with my parents. Things that would come up over and over included the swine flu, the economy being a mess, old people arguing about health care, and some conflict that was happening in the Middle East. And as a child, I didn't know what was happening for the most part. It all felt like background noise to a certain extent because of my lack of awareness as a kid. But every now and then I would look at this background noise. I still didn't get it but I would think.... whatever is all on the news today is going to be what my kids are going to have to learn in school in the future. 

Anyway, so fast forward to November 2016. I was 17 years old. Trump got elected. I didn't even check the news that morning because I was running late. I went to sleep the night before thinking *ya know, my girl Hillary got it in the bag. Everything will return back to normal. This will all be a funny memory."  

I get to the bus and the whole mood was really gloomy. I'm not even trying to make this up but it was actually cloudy and rainy outside as well. There were some people angry, some in shock, some depressed. Basically people were going through the stages of grief. And I remember thinking.... oh no... I'm living through a historical event... oh no.... 2016 was a chaotic year and given Trump was now president, the circus wasn't about to leave town anytime soon. I just knew that a domino effect will happen and I will have to deal with a string of historical events because we have an unhinged mad man in the office. It honestly felt like I entered into a different time line... because honestly WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  Seriously. I remember people would joke about how Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar threw off the time line and that resulted in opening this Pandora's box of chaos which turned into 2016. Then my mind immediately went to that memory from the 3rd grade and all I thought was how I wanted to get off that ride. I started getting why adults just wanted a peaceful uneventful life. 

And 17 year old me really thought that was going to be worst of it.  All I can say to her is this: 

At this point, I'm living through a plague. The ocean was on fire. The billionaire are having a space race. There is a labor shortage. All types of shit is happening. And if I hear the word *unprecedented* one more god damn time I'm going to lose it. The main thing I can think of now is going up to that 9 year old kid and saying "you're going to have to deal with more historical events than you can think of and it will be exciting all right." But I'm not going to say it with enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure the kid can hear the exhaustion in my voice and see it as a warning lol. However, knowing how I was like back then, that kid will ask me if I turned into one of those adults who are tired all the time and if so why I'm like that. To that I would answer that this is what happens when you go through too many historical events at once. And tbh, that kid would probably think that's interesting and would want to continue talking but I would have to tell that kid on how time travel works and how I can't tell her too much. She would understand that. I remember growing up I had this interest with time travel and I would watch Back to the Future over and over again. So basically, I knew how this shit worked as a kid and the whole deal with alternate time lines lol.  

To my 17 year old self, I would just tell her that things are going to be really weird for a really long time. Like, you can't even imagine how weird it's going to get. And I know she'll start panicking and getting triggered to which I will reassure her with memes and try to make this thing in a funny situation because that's how she coped with things. I would also reassure her by telling her that Trump will be a 1 term president. Then I would bounce the moment she starts asking about how my life is going now. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Time Travel Things 

After writing the previous post, I suddenly unlocked this memory from my childhood. 

I completely forgot about this show but I remember this was my shit growing up. I would get so excited when this was on TV on Saturday mornings. Basically, you have these three kids. One of them has an uncle who gives them this magic book that lets them travel through time and basically they use the book to have a bunch of these adventures where they learn about historical figures. I found a whole playlist on YouTube with all of the episodes. I rewatched a couple for old times sake and even though it's a little corny, I still enjoyed it. 

I mentioned Meet The Robinsons in my last post. I swear this was the movie that always played in my school because there was always that one kid that would recommend this when everyone else was indecisive. I probably watched this movie at least once a year every year from when it came out to like 2011. I remember being sick of this movie as a kid. But now it just gives me nostalgia. 

I remember one time I told my dad about how much I liked the whole time travel trope and he introduced me to the Back to the Future Trilogy. I still think the way the doors open upward in the DeLorean is really cool. I wish there were more cars like that but in different models because other than the cool door thing, the car wasn't all that. I also found it really interesting on how people in the 80s envisioned what 2015 would look like. I remember when New Years rolled around and it was 2015, I immediately just thought that this was the year when Marty goes to the future and fucks shit up. 

 There was also the Twilight Zone. It was on every now and then on this one channel that had all of the old TV shows on there. Tbh I don't remember much of the show but I do remember enjoying it, feeling creeped out, and feeling like my mind was fucked every time I watched an episode. I also enjoyed the other shows that were on there and I found it interesting on seeing what things were like back then. I wrote about this a while back.

And then there is my grandmother. She was born in 1918 in what is now Bangladesh. She was alive when the British were in India (pre-1947), when Partition happened (1947), when Bangladesh was a part of Pakistan(1947-1971), and then when Bangladesh got it's independence and became it's own country (1971). During that time she could have had a British  Indian passport, she did have a Pakistani passport, and a Bangladeshi passport without moving anywhere. And then later on in her life she immigrated to the U.S. I can't say that I was super close to her but growing up every now and then I would catch myself marveling about the amount of shit and the amount of change she saw in her life. Technologically, it's interesting but again, the social aspect is more interesting to me which I wrote about in the post I linked above. 

I guess the main disheartening thing about the topic of time travel is that I'm a brown woman who is not quite straight. Every now and then I would get asked *what time period do you want to travel back to* and it's always awkward because ummm... basic human rights...... And it's always a white man who asks this question. I guess if I could go to any time period, I'd try to go to the future but then again, given how things are going, I don't even know if I would like what I would see lol. But I still stand by the answer because even if the future isn't pretty, I would still get that wtf factor and I think that would still be interesting. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Posted (edited)

The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support 

I was talking to a friend about a few things and she started talking about her relationship with her boyfriend and his mom. She started talking about how his mom is basically her adopted mom at this point. She was talking about how his mom is actually emotionally supportive, genuinely likes having her around, is a place she can go to vent or get advice, and how she is still very much in contact with his mom despite them moving to a different country. She was talking about how she doesn't get any of that from her parents and I know I'm definitely on the same boat. Apparently she has a bunch of friends from college who come from similarly toxic brown households with a shit ton of generational trauma. They have a group chat where they talk about those things. One of the girls in the group chat basically shares any advice she gets from therapy to the rest of the girls and my friend shares wholesome stories about her boyfriend's family and the emotional support her boyfriend's mom gave her. 

Overall listening to this, I can say that I'm really happy for my friend. I started tearing up a little when she told me about her boyfriend's mom because I really wish I had an adult in my life I could go to for a sense of guidance. I feel like I've had to figure out too many things on my own and I'm exhausted from all of this emotional labor. Going to any of my family members for help usually results in more problems and trauma. I have a couple friends I can go to and while that helps to a certain extent, part of it feels like the blind leading the blind. Going back to the group chat I mentioned, we basically joked about how they all share one  brain cell when it comes to trying to find ways to cope. 

I started talking about a couple other things and we got to the topic of my nonexistent dating life and how I trying to figure out whether it's  good idea to put myself out there...like.. at all. On one hand it's important to get your shit together so you don't end up in a toxic situation but on the other hand, you can't always wait to be perfect because then it's basically avoidance at that point. This friend basically explained how she got into this relationship right before the pandemic when she was hitting a really low point after being stuck in the house with her parents all the time.  Tbh, that is something I couldn't imagine doing and I told her that. She basically told me that as long as you can identify basic red flags and have some form of basic self awareness that I should be fine and that I should have more faith in my decision making because just because you're emotionally going through somethings, doesn't mean you're going to bring in terrible people and toxic situations. I really want to believe her but I have this instinct in me to isolate myself and work on myself because I'm too afraid of my vulnerabilities being taken advantage of. Part of me really believes that she was probably just lucky to get into a healthy relationship with a guy who grew up in a healthy household and that this isn't something that plays out often. 

I remember like months ago she was talking about her relationship and she was talking about how this guy is really emotionally supportive, encouraging, and validating. I remember listening to that and having it not click in my head because I was always under this impression that if I got into a relationship, I can't depend on the other person and that I have to be 100% self sufficient or else I'm considered a clingy mess who is going to attract toxic partners. That's the message I got growing up and also from self help. Granted, I'm not talking about a bottomless pit of needing validation  and constantly needing to be around others but I think it can be destructive to think that all of your needs make you needy and you have to take 100% responsibility. Because if there is anything these conversations and my experience for the last year taught me it's that, you aren't supposed to be doing everything yourself, especially emotionally. That takes a toll on you in the long term. You're not supposed to be this lone wolf that copes with everything alone. And it really is a shame and it really is fucked up that I can't lean on my parents emotionally for anything. Because that's not normal. Not all families are as destructive as my own and this type of thing shouldn't be normalized. 

We talked about how there are people with healthy home environments who were hit by the pandemic but still came out of the situation not super traumatized because they had a decent support system who they could get support, validation, encouragement, empathy etc. But then there is me, my friend, and her group of traumatized friends who basically came out of it with a new flavor of crazy and emotional neglect causing this whole thing to be 10x worse for us emotionally. Like for the last year and a half I basically locked myself in a room and tried to avoid dealing with them because I felt emotionally unsafe in my own house. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Also note to self: I'm not saying that it's a good idea to seek out friends and partners solely for healing purposes and basically seeking out a free therapist. That's not a healthy way to go about it. Instead what I'm trying to say is that instead of going into full on hermit mode, you can still go out and connect to people while feeling like you have the emotional safety to lean on them and vent to them. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Something that I've been observing in myself is how conservative I am when it comes to dealing with my personal life. I rarely act on impulse and I really think things through before doing anything. I am very risk adverse. 

I think a lot of it has to do with how I grew up. I grew up around a lot of adults that give shitty advice and who have made shitty life choices. As a result, I got this laundry list of things I shouldn't do. And while that is better than nothing, the reason why I have to think through everything is because just because you know what the wrong decisions are, doesnt mean you know what the right decision is. It's kind of like taking a multiple choice exam. You can either cross out all the wrong choice and arrive at the right answer through the process of elimination or you can decisively go with the right answer. The later is much more efficient and painfree. And I think that's the difference in making life decisions for people who grew up with little to no or bad guidance growing up and are aware of it versus people who has a healthy upbringing. 

I know listening to my parents is going to lead me straight to hell and I know so many paths to hell. But when it comes to figuring out where I want to go, I'm completely on my own. Its terrifying. Its overwhelming. And it is fucked up that I had to navigate things on my own emotionally for so long. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Posted (edited)

I talked to a professional astrologer today. I felt personally attacked by the reading. Everyone is gangster until the astrologer lady who has never met you spells out all of your childhood trauma and how it affects you today as well as psychoanalyze your parents.  

Edited by soos_mite_ah

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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The tiktok algorithm chose violence today. I feel personally attacked and just called out in the most detailed way possible. I hate it here. 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRdjAH2p/


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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A Different Kind of Hell

Hey, so it's been a minute. 
For the last week I've been sorting my life out for school. 

I moved in a few days ago and almost didn't get a room because something happened to my housing application. After running around packing and 3 heart attacks later, I finally got a place on campus and I got out of my parent's house. Honestly, thank god. The moment they left, I felt a weight get lifted off of my shoulders. I also got assigned a random roommate which I was mentally sort of prepared for. I was expecting to room with a total stranger and for it to be awkward and me having to be this Spongebob meme for the rest of this semester instead of being my regular self.

normal spongebob.jpg

But luckily, this random roommate assignment actually turned out to be someone I knew. She is an acquaintance from one of my classes from a couple years back. We get along really well and we have a ton in common. I would also add that the room is better than the one that I was originally anticipating on getting so basically even though this whole process was panic inducing, things turned out much better than expected. 

And while my mood overall as been more optimistic and the depression side of things are being well handled, the same can't be said about my anxiety. I'm going through the same culture shock that I experienced when I first started going to this school except it isn't as intense. I remember the first time I came here, I was mainly shook about the lack of diversity, the amount of people who came from money, how everyone has the same body type and sense of style, the conservative atmosphere, etc. This time it was the lack of diversity again (I almost forgot exactly how white this school was until I went to my first 2 classes and realized that I was the only woman of color there), and the same body type/ style. I stg in this day alone, I just saw different variations of the same 3 outfits on different white girls who all look like a clone of the same person. I'm not wearing anything crazy but I've been walking to my classes thinking to myself in the back of my mind *was there a uniform that I didn't get the memo for tf?*

Also, this hit me at the same intensity as the first time but WHERE ARE ALL OF THE THICC PEOPLE ON THIS CAMPUS!?!?!?!? I wrote about some of this in another post in one of my other journals but I thought I'd include the most relevant part of that post as it relates to this. I'm also linking that entry as well. 

On 1/9/2021 at 11:49 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

So apparently it's because women without curves communicate this sense of sexual unavailability and purity. Those two things gives an essence of exclusivity and unattainability. Lots of things that pertain to fashion also have elements of elitism, classism, etc. rooted into it. Especially now in the U.S., I can see why skinniness would be held as a status symbol. If you are skinny, it often means that you have the time to work out and take care of yourself by for example, cooking at home and the money to afford high quality food. You can easily go to a vending machine and see that water costs $1.75 while a soda costs $0.99 or go to a gas station where you can get 3 donuts for $3.00 but if you want a salad that's going to be around $6.00. 

I also had this experience in college as well. I currently attend a college that is stereotyped for rich kids mainly because a large portion of the student body is represented by upper class white kids. I am going to this school because of scholarship money. In other words, in a way I'm here on a bribe. And being around people who come from a very different background than my own has been a very educational experience for many reasons. While I was expecting a lack of racial diversity when I set foot on campus, one type of lack of diversity  that I wasn't prepared for was the lack of diversity in terms of body types. There are no thicc people on campus. Everyone is skinny. If you don't have a six pack you are considered fat. And all of the girls are wearing the same over priced Lululemon leggings and look like they are about to go to the gym for work out. I asked a friend wtf this was all about because I thought I was seeing patterns that weren't there and I thought I was going insane and she explained to me how being as skinny as possible is a huge status symbol among the rich. For a solid semester, I walked around feeling like I was the only one with tits and an ass and eventually that started making me self conscious because I felt like I was a fat cow that stuck out in the crowd. I've even had my really skinny friends get self conscious because of the standards in my university and how whenever there is food present there is always a ton of people talking about dieting and restricting food. Over all this environment hasn't been helpful for me to be more body positive. 

This semester I'm also taking all business classes. I haven't done this before. I did take classes in the business school before however I always had a couple of social science classes to balance things out. Broooo... This place sets off my fight or flight response. It's basically everything I described above and more. I just feel really out of place here. There is one class that I'm really excited about but also panicking about. It's this business leadership class which focuses on public speaking and career readiness. I'm not super excited about doing public speaking related things at 8am in the morning in a place where I feel like the odd one out in a variety of different ways. But on the other hand, I think I really need to focus on developing the skills that this class focuses on in general for my personal development so even though this isn't exactly what I want, it definitely something I need because I don't know wtf I'm doing with my life career wise. 

Speaking of not knowing what I'm doing, It's 12:43 pm and I've already reevaluated my life choices probably like 5 times today (wish I was exaggerating but I'm not). I really feel like the awkward theatre kid who is stuck in the body of a business major because she wants to be employed in the future. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm studying, I just don't feel like I fit in socially all that well. I think that pretty much summarizes my college experience at this particular school if you ignore all of the traumatic, crazy shit that happened to me in the last few years.  The traumatic shit I would say isn't linked to anything as far as this particular school is concerned (I'm pretty sure that even if I went elsewhere I would have had to deal with similar things), but this place didn't do anything to help (or hurt) the situation if that makes sense. Love the school, just don't resonate with the people. 

Will make edits and add to the post later on. Submitting this because I have class in a few minutes. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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11 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Will make edits and add to the post later on. Submitting this because I have class in a few minutes. 

Decided to make a new post instead just so things are more organized. Consider this as a continuation of the previous post but not necessarily a part 2. 

So yeah... I feel like the odd ball in this campus and I am sooo tempted to just give up socially and keep my head down for the next couple years. And as much as I want to give up, I did make a promise to myself on how I was going to try to build a social circle. Not sure how I'm going to pull that off while not getting the virus. I know people say it's safe and give the conservative atmosphere of the school, a lot of students are comfortable going out without a mask. But I'm not even though I'm vaccinated. Maybe it's the way my parents dealt with it or maybe it's me being really risk averse, but I just don't feel physically safe 100% to put myself out there. I had a couple classes and both classes were packed. The only difference pre pandemic and now is the masks and that's it. No extra distancing, no online courses, nothing. I'm not super freaked out by the whole thing but it definitely feels unusual to be in a crowd of people and not being 6ft apart from everyone since that was my habit for a year and a half now. 

I know I've only had 2 out of the 4 classes I'm taking this semester so far but I'm intimidated by those classes. I talked about one of them and I have another that I'm going to talk about in this post. I'm taking a class on negotiations and it's out of my comfort zone because normally I don't try to test people. I just take things at face value, try to be as transparent as possible, and if it doesn't work out I just walk away. This also relates to how I feel like a lot of my business classes have the ick factor. A lot of the stuff I'm learning, they aren't bad inherently but I can clearly see how people use things to con other people instead of helping them. Like with negotiations for example, obviously you can use it to manipulate people but you can also use it to advocate for yourself and see through people's bs. That is one example of many and I'm not even getting into the specifics of it. I'm also a very noncompetitive person and I just don't want to deal with other students who are really cut throat and confrontational. I had to deal with that once and I ended up getting yelled at for 2 hours straight by 8 different people. That zoom meeting was also recorded and sent to my professor for grading. It wasn't fun. I cried afterwards lol. And I feel like I'm going to deal with that pretty often in this class. I'm not looking forward to that. 

Then there is my experiences for the last few years especially during the pandemic so far. This situation has left me feeling really unsure of myself, unsure of my abilities, unsure of where I'm going with my life and what the future holds, unsure about what my place is socially. I'm definitely not my most confident self and I don't think that helps given the classes I'm taking this semester. I also want to emphasize that even though I'm unsure, I'm not exactly insecure. There is a lot of ambiguity and doubt, and while that does overlap with insecurity a bit, it has a different flavor. It's more panic inducing rather than shame inducing however the shame isn't completely absent. The panic is just more front and center.  


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Manifestations 

Ok so I have a really freaky story about manifesting and I'm basically a believer at this point. When it came to my dorm, I found out the day before I supposed to move in that my housing application got cancelled. A couple months prior, I have been in a consistent mood where I felt as if nothing was going to get better and that I'm going to be stuck with my parents for the rest of my life. I was acting as if which is a manifestation technique. By acting as if or by acting under assumption, it's like you're basically sending out subconscious signals of whatever you're acting like is going to happen and then you end up manifesting that very thing. 

So as I was panicking with not very many options, I decided that I'm going to try out this last minute manifestation technique. Basically I wrote a letter to the universe basically saying "hey sorry about emitting negative energy, can you fix this for me? I know you can do this because you have moved mountains for me in the past and I have faith and trust in you." I also did this thing called scripting where you get into the zone and write out exactly how you want a situation to go in a very detail oriented way because that's also a manifestation technique. I wrote this once I released the negative emotions I was feeling when I got the news. I let myself feel and didn't bypass it. Once I was done with that, I wrote out the letter and it came from a feeling of acceptance, peace, and confidence. I was still pretty anxious about the whole thing. But I do think that being anxious while still having the faith that everything will turn out ok is possible. I didn't tell my parents about anything. Still acting as if, I quit my part time job, got packed up, and every time I caught myself feeling anxious I told myself that I was excited because my manifestations always come true.

And whatever I scripted actually did come true. Just to be sure I also added a bunch of details that were along the lines of things that would be nice but things that I'm not attached to. It was kind of like bonus points. I have this habit where I try to aim high because even if I don't reach that ideal goal, I still get pretty far.  So in this bonus round I scripted that I was going to get a discount for my dorm and that I'm going to be good friends with my roommate. 

BOTH OF THOSE THINGS CAME TRUE

With the roommate thing, I was fully prepared from the start that I was probably going to room with some random stranger. Yes, my roommate was random but when I moved in, I found out that it was actually someone I had a class with 2 years ago. We were both excited about that and we basically skipped over the whole awkward phase of getting to know your roommate since we were acquaintances before. And I'm sure at this rate we'll be pretty good friends tbh. I feel like we're already pretty good friends because of how comfortable we are around each other when it comes to opening up and communicating.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also did this thing about a month ago where I wrote out all of the things I want to happen in my life along with a bunch of affirmations. Like I said in previous posts, I've been getting more into astrology. And I found out about this thing that is apparently really astrologically significant when it comes to manifesting. It's something along the lines of if you try to do a manifestation ritual on these following days, it's guaranteed success. Honestly, I don't know how much of that is true but I'm just having fun with it. I think that's why a lot of my manifestations work. I believe in it and I know ways that it makes sense in a non woo woo kind of way but at the same time I don't take it super seriously and I enjoy the process and that makes me detached from the outcome (because giving out negative/desperate energy comes from a place of lack and that blocks your manifestations) . 

Prior to the experience with housing above, like I said, I believed in the law of attraction and manifestation but it wasn't in this magical woo woo way. I kind of saw manifestation as this long term thing where you need to take your time releasing blockages and working through your limiting beliefs and that your manifestations come slowly after a lot of hard work. And don't get me wrong, that is the case in a lot of situations. But also, thinking that manifestation is always this time consuming, emotionally laborious thing can be a limiting belief on it's own as well. Manifestation can be easy if you want it to be and in the housing situation, I really wanted manifestation to be easy and instantaneous. And so I released that limiting belief in that situation. I think another reason why I had this limiting belief around manifestation was because I didn't fully believe in it. I believed in it enough to make things happen but there was a block that was still there in the form of doubting things like spirituality, woo woo things, and intuition. Like I believed that manifestation only worked in certain situations and as a result, it only worked in certain situations for me. 

But anyways, now I'm choosing to see as the universe as my personal wish granting factory because I guess if you want to bring nonduality into this, I created everything and I am a part of everything. And as a result, I'm manifesting everything all the time. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Table of Contents Part 1

Ok so this journal is going to be closed but before I do that, I thought I'd make a table of contents of sorts so I can find my way around here if I want to reference this journal in the future. 

Page 1 

  • Bad Systems, Not Bad People
  • Blinding Joy
  • Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.1 
  • Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.2
  • Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.3
  • Being the One Who Gives More
  • I've been in a particular mood lately 
  •  Lately I Haven't Felt Very Joyful
  • Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy 
  • Looking Back a Few Days Ago....
  • This is Random But....
  • Desired Career Paths 
  • Stillness

Page 2 

  • Self Development Won't Make You a Better Person 
  • Interrupting Cynicism 
  • Two Parts to Self-Esteem 
  • Giving All the Fucks in All the Wrong Places...
  • Increasing My Level of Well Being
  • Starting Classes Again
  • First Day of Classes
  • God is Consciousness, You are God
  • First Day of Classes Part 2 

Page 3 

  • Human Interaction
  • Something I'm Trying to Integrate: You Don't Have to be Special 
  • Cravings: My Journey with Food
  • Adult Brain, Childhood Feelings 
  • 9 Stages of Ego Development: Reflections
  • CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE 
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes
  • Re-Evaluating My Life Purpose
  • Resistance to Discipline 
  • Stability Fetish 
  • Understanding Ego Backlash 
  • Cheat Codes to Life
  • 12 Jungian Archetypes
  • 12 Jungian Archetypes: Reflection 
  • 12 Jungian Archetypes: Where to go From Here
  • Meme Historian
  • Using Fashion for Self Development
  • The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 1 

Page 4

  • The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 2
  • The Ways I've Grown at 20 Part 3 
  • Smart = Safety 
  • Conscious Unconsciousness 
  • Tik Toks and Videos That Just Make Me Happy
  • More Things I Need to Integrate 
  • Downward Spiral TW: Suicide 
  • Coming Back Up
  • The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred 
  • Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages  (Green and Yellow) 
  • Mental Health Under Late Stage Capitalism 
  • Productivity as a Part of Trauma 
  • How to stop procrastinating: Noah Elkrief 
  • The Brilliance of My Self Deception
  • Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem
  • Talking w/ Contrapoints - The Left, Voting, & Pessimism
  • Reasons Why I Procrastinate

Page 5

  • Increasing My Level of Well Being
  • Phone-a-Friend
  • Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 1: How I Ended Up Here 
  • Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 2: Being the "Good Kid"
  • Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 3: The Larger Systems at Play 
  • Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 4: I am Here, I am Present 
  • Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness
  • Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up
  • Gentleness and Discipline 

 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Table of Contents Part 2

Page 6

  • Life Update: General Health
  • Picking at Wounds 
  • Experience! (or in some cases, lack thereof) 
  • Little Reminders Throughout My Day: Things I Tell Myself When I Catch Myself Spiraling
  • A Reset 
  • Spending Time with My Stage Orange Friends 
  • Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy 
  • Christmas Cheer

Page 7

  • As The Years Go By, As We Grow Up And Grow Old
  • Perfectionism
  • Snow in Texas 
  • And Speaking of Things That are Weird and Bizarre....
  • Thoughts of Dating for a Short Term Relationship
  • Flaws
  • Shame
  • Anxiety
  • Desire Part 1
  • Desire Part 2
  • Desire Part 3
  • Desire Part 4 
  • Desire Part 5 
  • Things I want to do when the pandemic is over
  • My Unhealthy Stage Green Exhaustion Phase
  • Life Is Easy

Page 8

  • Party Phase but make it Cultured
  • Media Consumption Analysis Part 1: Being a Material Girl
  • Wisdom
  • Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase 
  • Anti-Capitalist Depression Spirals 
  • America as an Abusive Partner
  • Media Consumption Analysis Part 3: YouTube
  • Media Consumption Part 4: Being in my Head
  • Personal Development To Do List
  • You'll Thank Me One Day
  • Media Consumption Analysis Part 5: Instagram
  • Media Consumption Analysis Part 6: Music 
  • The Type of Masculine Energy I Want in my Life

Page 9

  • Masculine Containment
  • Priorities 
  • Relatability Humor: Making Fun of People in Your Community and Perpetuating Stereotypes
  • Dating Cynicism 
  • Videos That Spark Joy 
  • The Illusion of Memory 
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 1: The Desire to "Get My Life Together"
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 2: "Having My Life Together"
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 3: My Relationship with Actualized.org
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 4: Having My Life Come Apart Again- Aspiration Towards Competence
  • Shame Revisited
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 5: Things I Have Learned from Contemplating and Journaling About this Topic
  • Rejecting Humanness and Human Needs: Integration vs Transcendence 
  • Pinterest
  • March 13th
  • Limiting Attitudes Around Money
  • Awareness vs Focus 
  • A Fluid Identity

Page 10 

  • Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness
  • Vulnerability
  • Media Consumption Analysis: Femininity and Feminism in the Early 2000s
  • Letting Myself Be Human
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 6: Family Dynamics
  • Comparing Myself Against the Priorities of Other People
  • Plastic surgery 
  • Nitpicking at my Appearance 
  • Accepting the Softest Parts of Myself: Thoughts on Vulnerability
  • Feeling Unworthy of Connection 
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part 7: Exploration
  • Talking to a Vedic Psychic Medium
  • Shame Around  Being a Virgin
  • Why I Chose to Remain a Virgin 

 


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Table of Contents Part 3

Page 11

  • Credit Where Credit is Due
  • Updating My Style 
  • Self Expression vs Safety 
  • Concerns Around Dating
  • Self Control is an Overrated Part 1: The Path to Self Discipline
  • Self Control is Overrated Part 2: Creating Habits 
  • Feral Cat Energy 
  • Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion
  • The Happiness Spectrum 
  • Reconciling Preferences and Needs with the Absolute and Relative 
  • Embracing My Inner Basic
  • Understand and Improve the Human Condition
  • A Permanent State of Existential Crisis
  • Coming Out as a "Spiritual" Person 

Page 12

  • Coming Out as a Spiritual Person: A Reflection on My Reflection
  • Digital Self Harm and Masochistic Epistemology
  • Pandemic Angst 
  • Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward
  • Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 2: Cringe 
  • Procrastinating on my Purpose
  • Self Discipline is Overrated Part 3: Discipline Doesn't Work. Here's What to do Instead 
  • Turning Competence Into an Identity Part 9: Don't You Just Hate It When Men
  • Judging My Judgement, Critiquing My Critical Thinking
  • Appreciating Bitterness 
  • 9 Stages of Ego Development: Where Am I Now? 
  • The Necessity of Acknowledging Progress
  • Fatphobia in the 2000s 
  • My Thoughts on Spiral Dynamics 
  • My Thoughts on the 9 Stages of Ego Development 

Page 13

  • Actually Acknowledging My Progress
  • Journaling Habits and Writing Style
  • Nothing New Here 
  • Videos that Resonate with Me
  • Analyzing Cottagecore 
  • Cringeworthy Part 1

Page 14

  • Subtle Addictions
  • Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 1 
  • Dealing with the People in My Management Class Part 2
  • I Have No Idea What I'm Doing
  • Cringeworthy Part 2
  • How to Deal with Confusion 
  • Cringeworthy Part 3: Some of My Key Takeaways
  • Shame Around Being Awkward Part 2: Becoming Comfortable with My Interests 
  • Dealing with My Spiritual Ego : Moving Towards Balance and Integration 
  • On Recent Events on the Forum (Trigger Warning: Suicide)
  • Dealing with My Spiritual Ego: The Dangers of the Spiritual Ego and Why People Should Be Careful

Page 15 

  • The Limits of Science
  • Mainstream vs Intellectual Versions of the Spiral Dynamics Stages
  • A Rant About the Incels in the Dating Section 
  • Hedonism Through the Stages 
  • Lack of Life Experience, FOMO, and Feeling Like a Child
  • Emotionless = Cool 
  • Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 1
  • Figuring out what I want to do with my life Part 2
  • Life Purpose Limiting Beliefs 

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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Table of Contents Part 4

Page 16

  • Videos That Make Me Laugh
  • Where Do I Want to Live When I Grow Up
  • What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interests
  • What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career 
  • What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career 
  • Jobs That I Have Considered at Some Point or Another
  • My Choices Under Capitalism 
  • Thoughts on Blogging 
  • What is Authenticity 
  • Off Days and Punishing Small Mistakes 

Page 17

  • Embracing the Awkward Part 1: I'm Neither Awkward nor Not Awkward 
  • Embracing the Awkward Part 2: Finding Confidence in Awkward Moments 
  • The  Men are Not Okay 
  • Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I Closed Off or Do We Just Not Click? 
  • Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I a Dismissive Avoidant or Am I Just Not Into You? 

Page 18 

  • Welcome to Wreck-Tok !!!
  • Then for the rest of this page I was basically having a break down over the way my parents were gaslighting me and being emotionally unavailable

Page 19 

  • Continuation of the break down 
  • Cringing at My Transparency 
  • Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 1: Quick to Move On 
  • Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 2: Social Anxiety 
  • Online Dating Feels Forced 
  • Capitalistic Notions of My Best Self 
  • My Story of Class Consciousness (Never made that post even though I had a placeholder---> NEED TO DO THIS ON MY NEXT JOURNAL)

Page 20 

  • Crazy Crystal Astrology Lady Things
  • My Birth Chart
  • My Birth Chart Findings and Understandings Part 1 Big Picture Aspects 
  • Memories that Haunt Me
  • Time Travel Things 
  • The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support 
  • Risk Aversion
  • A Different Kind of Hell
  • Manifestations 
  • Table of Contents Part 1,2,3,4

 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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AAAAAAND THIS JOURNAL IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED

I have a new journal where my posts continue. Just needed a fresh start since there are too many posts on here for practical/organizational reasons.  Consider this last post and the table of contents as the closing credits and consider the link as a sequel :D

 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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