Chose the wrong trip sitter

[flowboy]

I would like some feedback on how to handle the following situation maturely, in a way that is most conducive to the personal growth and well being of each.

Yesterday I took 200 mics of 1p-LSD with 6 friends. The 7th person was a friend of mine who had offered to remain sober and tripsit. I gladly took him up on it, naively not foreseeing how his personal baggage and level of emotional intelligence (which I sure had caught some glimpses of since I've known him) made him unfit to be a sitter.

It went badly. One of my dear friends who was tripping with us is a woman who has been on a spiritual jouney for years, processing her traumatic childhood events. Let's say it left her with a deep distrust of men, and a hole where a father figure should have been. She's very conscious about it. It seemed certain that she would have a deeply emotional trip, which she also warned us for at the start.

My friend who was tripsitting definitely has not it easy in life, growing up with a facial deformity and a troubled relationship with his mother. I'd say he's less emotionally aware of his trauma, baggage and how it's making him react in certain situations. Or maybe that's just the mainstream average. There's been times I've said something he didn't like, and he clearly went into re-living being bullied, and stayed mad for days.

When he arrived, he kept his sunglasses on inside and clearly had trouble connecting with my other friends, whom he didn't know. People got a distant vibe from him, and although everyone was friendly with each other, he clearly struggled to feel welcome and included. He introduced himself with the statement that he was here "to make good on a debt, incurred by me tripsitting him one time". That was perceived as very off-putting and cold, and a clear red flag in retrospect.

Here's where it got ugly: 3 hours into the trip, my female friend was crying in the garden, calmly stating to everyone who came up to her that she was in the middle of processing something and she needed space. There was enough space, so everyone complied but the sober guy. He clearly felt rejected and started to argue with her, saying it was bullshit. He crossed his arms and kept refusing to leave. 

Appalled and in disbelief of such emotional immaturity, but also peaking on acid, I asked him why he wouldn't leave her alone at her request, cause I thought he should. He repeated that it was a bullshit request that he wouldn't stand for. I then told him that with that attitude he better go, because I could see that he was causing her to have a really bad experience. 

He then abruptly packed his bags and left. 5 hours of LSD to go. I then had to go tell inform the others, some of whom it was the first time for, that we were now tripping alone and no one was sober. I could visually see the black and white ripples of panic and disbelief spread through the room.

We managed fine after that. The tripsitting friend is now angry with me and let me know that he doesnt want to see me.

Clearly I should never have put these people in this situation. He didn't know anyone there. He does not have the tools to handle his emotions maturely and keep distance from them while being responsible for a group. She is working hard trying to feel safe with men, and I basically put her in a vulnerable situation with an unsafe man. I rightly feel guilty about this. It's very naive. I tend to assume everyone will just get along.

What do I do here? Wait until he comes around? State clearly that he acted like an asshole and did something umacceptable in my opinion? I think there is value in stating clearly what boundaries have been crossed and being firm there. On the other hand, I'm not that angry with him because I see that he is where he is in his development, doesn't know better yet and I put him there, expecting too much of him. I should have protected these people from this, knowing what I know about them.

[Peo]

Make new friends maybe.

[allislove]

Thanks for sharing the story.

First step is to accept yourself, give yourself a little bit of self-love. You tried your best, you wanted the best for everyone 
Next step is to talk to the female friend, to the trip-sitter friend in a casual environment, to listen. 
What you think people think is not what they actually think.
I'd let go the situation as fast as possible by focusing on the good side of things. It's all good now.

[DreamScape]

He's unaware. I struggle with the same issue he does about the relationship. Often I have had trouble not knowing when I say too much, also I can be distant and that does cause me to seem like an asshole, but really I'm just playing out issues with neglect and loneliness. 

Put up some boundaries. He doesn't want to lose the relationship, since he's so reactant make sure he knows that you're not trying to be his motherly figure. 

Push him into awareness. 

Anyways, mistakes happen and you're bound to make them. This is a good lesson in social dynamics you can say, its not your fault. 

 

[Aaron p]

4 hours ago, flowboy said:

We managed fine after that. The tripsitting friend is now angry with me and let me know that he doesnt want to see me.

Fuck em mate, he wasnt ready

[Shmurda]

"Appalled and in disbelief of such emotional immaturity..." 

Wow remind me not to let loose around you, oh saintly one.

And then when he's left, you go and tell everyone. Why?? They probably wouldn't even notice. 

Relax, no one cares. 

 

[fridjonk]

I don't get this necessity over trip sitters. The only time you really need one is for salvia, else you should be good. 

[Harikrishnan]

22 hours ago, flowboy said:

 

 I then had to go tell inform the others, some of whom it was the first time for, that we were now tripping alone and no one was sober. I could visually see the black and white ripples of panic and disbelief spread through the room.

 

In my opinion it was not wise thing to do. It was already 5hrs in trip Or even if it was peak no need to tell about tripsitter leaving as it may create panic in them and make trip go crazy.

Its cool, If you are not angry about whole situation and not angry towards him, but still you can tell him where he violated boundary. But you have to consider he may not also know how to act at that particullar occasion or how to act as a tripsitter. 

[DreamScape]

Abandonment issues & neglect = a lot of trouble with relationships 

[bejapuskas]

What about the number of people tripping together, was that ok, or would you rather try again alone or in a smaller number? Perhaps it's really hard for anyone to look after 6 children at one time... But yeh he wasn't ready, at least you know now and can share it with us, thanks a lot for that

[flowboy]

2 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

What about the number of people tripping together, was that ok, or would you rather try again alone or in a smaller number? Perhaps it's really hard for anyone to look after 6 children at one time... But yeh he wasn't ready, at least you know now and can share it with us, thanks a lot for that

Yes, it's a good point that this was way too many people tripping in a group... I don't think I would do that again in an environment where it's not okay to get lost. Festivals are different. Or private beaches/huge gardens, but I don't know anyone with those, haha.

[flowboy]

On 20-7-2020 at 11:04 AM, Harikrishnan said:

In my opinion it was not wise thing to do. It was already 5hrs in trip Or even if it was peak no need to tell about tripsitter leaving as it may create panic in them and make trip go crazy.

Its cool, If you are not angry about whole situation and not angry towards him, but still you can tell him where he violated boundary. But you have to consider he may not also know how to act at that particullar occasion or how to act as a tripsitter. 

Yeah maybe not, although they would have found out at some point. I suppose they weren't really wondering where he was, I got the sense that they all disliked him because of his closed-off vibe.

This idea would have never entered my mind in that state though. I'm super honest on LSD and being tactful or anything but the immediate truth seems complicated and unnecessary. So informing them seemed like the most honest thing to do, plus I was also trying to process the events myself by talking to people about it.

I am a little angry. He basically shit the bed. He volunteered the offer to tripsit, then despite my explicit time schedule I shared, he was late and made everyone wait for an hour, and it was all downhill from there.

[bejapuskas]

@flowboy  That really sucks that you wasted your time and resources. At least you've set down your boundaries and won't invite him to tripsit again, many people would have problems saying no to others. This is the kind of good quality post we need more of on this forum.

[Harikrishnan]

27 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Yeah maybe not, although they would have found out at some point. I suppose they weren't really wondering where he was, I got the sense that they all disliked him because of his closed-off vibe.

This idea would have never entered my mind in that state though. I'm super honest on LSD and being tactful or anything but the immediate truth seems complicated and unnecessary. So informing them seemed like the most honest thing to do, plus I was also trying to process the events myself by talking to people about it.

I am a little angry. He basically shit the bed. He volunteered the offer to tripsit, then despite my explicit time schedule I shared, he was late and made everyone wait for an hour, and it was all downhill from there.

Yeah, i am also super honest during lsd trips, but then again i will choose not to tell considering it wont help others.   What he did was wrong and you have every right to be angry towards him, if you like to keep his friendship then i think you have to speak him about your anger and what wrong he have done.  If he realizes his mistake then accept his apology if not you deserve better friend. And also its good to trip alone.

[Dodo]

On 19/07/2020 at 11:07 AM, flowboy said:

I would like some feedback on how to handle the following situation maturely, in a way that is most conducive to the personal growth and well being of each.

Yesterday I took 200 mics of 1p-LSD with 6 friends. The 7th person was a friend of mine who had offered to remain sober and tripsit. I gladly took him up on it, naively not foreseeing how his personal baggage and level of emotional intelligence (which I sure had caught some glimpses of since I've known him) made him unfit to be a sitter.

It went badly. One of my dear friends who was tripping with us is a woman who has been on a spiritual jouney for years, processing her traumatic childhood events. Let's say it left her with a deep distrust of men, and a hole where a father figure should have been. She's very conscious about it. It seemed certain that she would have a deeply emotional trip, which she also warned us for at the start.

My friend who was tripsitting definitely has not it easy in life, growing up with a facial deformity and a troubled relationship with his mother. I'd say he's less emotionally aware of his trauma, baggage and how it's making him react in certain situations. Or maybe that's just the mainstream average. There's been times I've said something he didn't like, and he clearly went into re-living being bullied, and stayed mad for days.

When he arrived, he kept his sunglasses on inside and clearly had trouble connecting with my other friends, whom he didn't know. People got a distant vibe from him, and although everyone was friendly with each other, he clearly struggled to feel welcome and included. He introduced himself with the statement that he was here "to make good on a debt, incurred by me tripsitting him one time". That was perceived as very off-putting and cold, and a clear red flag in retrospect.

Here's where it got ugly: 3 hours into the trip, my female friend was crying in the garden, calmly stating to everyone who came up to her that she was in the middle of processing something and she needed space. There was enough space, so everyone complied but the sober guy. He clearly felt rejected and started to argue with her, saying it was bullshit. He crossed his arms and kept refusing to leave. 

Appalled and in disbelief of such emotional immaturity, but also peaking on acid, I asked him why he wouldn't leave her alone at her request, cause I thought he should. He repeated that it was a bullshit request that he wouldn't stand for. I then told him that with that attitude he better go, because I could see that he was causing her to have a really bad experience. 

He then abruptly packed his bags and left. 5 hours of LSD to go. I then had to go tell inform the others, some of whom it was the first time for, that we were now tripping alone and no one was sober. I could visually see the black and white ripples of panic and disbelief spread through the room.

We managed fine after that. The tripsitting friend is now angry with me and let me know that he doesnt want to see me.

Clearly I should never have put these people in this situation. He didn't know anyone there. He does not have the tools to handle his emotions maturely and keep distance from them while being responsible for a group. She is working hard trying to feel safe with men, and I basically put her in a vulnerable situation with an unsafe man. I rightly feel guilty about this. It's very naive. I tend to assume everyone will just get along.

What do I do here? Wait until he comes around? State clearly that he acted like an asshole and did something umacceptable in my opinion? I think there is value in stating clearly what boundaries have been crossed and being firm there. On the other hand, I'm not that angry with him because I see that he is where he is in his development, doesn't know better yet and I put him there, expecting too much of him. I should have protected these people from this, knowing what I know about them.

Maybe the guy is not very confident around females, as you mentioned he has face deformation in some way. Maybe he is just awkward around women and what you would perceive as him being annoying and unreasonable is his attempt at spending some time with someone of the opposing sex?

Feel bad for the dude. And that girl could have been more considerate, it's obvious from this story that the guy has way darker night of the soul than she has and he is having to experience it while sober, while she was hiding behind the drugs. 

 

[Forestluv]

He clearly doesn’t have the skills to be a good trip sitter as he made the issue about himself and was unaware of how his behavior could impact someone while they are tripping. For me, being a trip sitter is more like being the back stage crew at a concert. I let the musicians do there thing and occasionally tweak the lighting and sound effects. If the band invites me onstage for a song, that’s great - yet I’m not going to barge my way on stage to alter the show and be the center of attention.

I would keep in mind that the guy likely has his own issues. Perhaps he had good intentions. Yet I still would be cautious of having him around at the show. It’s like being at a concert with someone who won’t stop talking and ruins the show for other people. The guy may be ok to take a hike with, yet I wouldn’t want to go to a concert with him. . . I’d also consider how serious I make the issue. From one POV, it’s like someone who can’t juggle. Oh well, he sucks at juggling - I can be light-hearted with him about his juggling suck-ness. Yet if he tries to juggle Grandma’s precious vases, someone needs to step in. 

[molosku]

Pro tip: glasses guy is not you friend