The Upward Journey

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Watched some anime today, so I'm starting over. Got really stressed about the possibility of failing calculus. Studied it some, and was having difficulty. Taking more breaks will save time and enforce better habits.

Did the workout with my friend, and swam with him and my girlfriend after. It was a good night.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

The anhedonia isnt just detox, its more depression. As I thought about my situation more and more, this is a perfect storm. Calculus is a hard class, but because of a long list of reasons I dont want to go into here, its so much harder because of the covid remote learning. After the last test, I don't even want to try. I only have 8 days to study, and do the last of my physiology lab stuff, and I couldnt get myself to do anything but watch tv and anime today, and eat junk. I just feel so beaten down and depressed.

If I can pass this class with a C, I know I can a healthy and happy life again, even though the coming semesters will be difficult as well. I want to game, badly, but I'm glad I gave my accounts away. I dont know if that urge will ever go away, but I would rather focus my energies on becoming stronger. On focusing each moment on the task at hand. I don't like being lazy, but I feel driven to it when I'm depressed.

So I'll get a tiny bit of work done tonight, and try to recover. Try to feel better and get my work done. I keep on waking up super early, feeling intense despair. I know that I am supposed to forge myself into someone strong. I just feel so weak in the present situation. Over being beaten down semester after semester. I know I can't take this much longer.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Honestly, I don't even want to write this post, but it's important I'm consistent.

Didn't get any work done today, either. Now I have 6 days to get my lab report done and study for my calculus test. I'm video chatting in my professor's office hours tomorrow, so that should help some.

I'm just tired of being depressed. Tired of screwing around. I know that when this is over, if I at least don't fail, I'll be able to slowly recover. I just want to become stronger. I know that the feeling of being weak serves as good fuel. I just need the energy to do something with it. I'm hoping that making it through this will give me the energy I require.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

I'm making progress in fighting my depression. Through making a plan during my prof's office hours, and talking with my girlfriend about how it's not so bad if I have to drop the class and take it elsewhere, I feel much better.

My time usage today wasn't great, but I got some decent studying done. As long as I keep on moving forward, and heal my headspace, then I am satisfied. I will get more done tomorrow.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

This is becoming a joke.

Today I was just watched anime and played games all day. Even forgot to attend my physiology zoom lecture. I have a few days before my calculus test, and I've pretty much resigned myself to needing to retake it. It's bs, but it's also how it is. I'm just tired of being depressed. I'll take another semester to graduate if that's what it takes to feel better.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Today I emailed my advisor, and  had it confirmed that I can retake calculus at a community college at a later semester. So I'm 90% set on withdrawing after this next test. The 10% is if I either get a great grade on the next test (nearly impossibly, since I havent been studying, as a stress response) or if he throws tons of points at us since the class average is a 40%. Many of my classmates are equally stressed. Coming to this conclusion has made me feel better. I want to prioritize my health. With calculus gone, physiology is easy in comparison. I can start putting my good habits back in place.

My dad told me, today, of how hard his college days were originally. It was only when his parents found him a smaller and easier college that he could succeed. He made it clear he empathized with me, and felt like he failed me by not putting better opportunities in my path as he's seen me struggle the past few years. I take responsibility for my struggles, but it meant a lot to me. He's usually harsh about my performance in school, so this provided a lot of healing between us.

Made me think back to when I first struggled with being pre med, freshman year. I was so depressed. I thought of dropping it,  to be an education/english double major. Felt so relieved, but I didn't follow my gut. Maybe it would have been smart to. At least on this path I know I tried, and I've done many amazing things I might not have, otherwise. I try to live without regrets, but this is more fuel to trust my gut, now. To live with self love. That is my greatest task right now.

Also, gaming and TV were even more boring today. Since I gave my accounts away, I've been playing lots of flash games and stuff that is small in download size. Would rather work on my fitness and read, but I wont have the energy until my life is a little less stressful. I'm excited for it. I want to make progress in life.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1 of Nightmare Mode

I've been like a rat in an experiment, doing anything for that dopamine drip. I'm done with that. Electronic entertainment being boring will help me get a jump start, but I know that nostalgia will try to bring me back. Being clean for even the past hour, I feel better. I know it's psychological, but it helps. Being okay with dropping calculus helps as well. Lastly, I've been thinking about the upcoming semesters and grad school. They will be just as hellacious as calculus has been if I don't get a good grasp on my habits. This would have been a hard, but manageable summer if I had kept away from the video games. I also need to work on building my focus, since it made paying attention in calculus class almost impossible.

So I'm going to meditate now, and then work on my last few physiology lab assignments. Who knows, might even study a little calculus. I just want to get my life back together. And just as my penalty for last time was giving my gaming accounts away, I'll give this laptop away if I can't get control over my habits. I'm not going to stay as a mediocre student forever.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

I can't believe it's been 10 days. I just haven't wanted to post until I've had results. I guess thats why I didnt want to start this journal in the first place. Bad excuse.

I dropped calculus, and with my final in physiology done today, I at least made one A this summer. I'm worried about taking a very hard programming course this next semester. I'm going to teleconference my doctor this Friday for ADD meds. I've been avoiding this route for forever. It feels freeing to finally go after it, and I may see a therapist one of these days as well. I'll do whatever it takes to get better.

There's been some friction with my girlfriend over my stress porn usage. That's part of what has prompted me to take even more drastic action. That and the really bad depression of not living up to my potention.

So I want to turn this into my Kaizen journal, meaning I want to find one problem I have each day that I can use to be 1% better the next day. Even though I got so much done today,  I feel as if I am not preparing my habits and my knowledge for the coming rigors of intro to python. So I want to study harder and build my focus even better. ADD medication will only supplement. I want to build a lifestyle of improvement. Tomorrow, I want to go the whole day using my mindfullness timer, taking a small break every 15 minutes. I don't know how realistic this is, but I want to try it.

 

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 2

Heck of a goal. Didn't follow it. Had a night of restless sleep, and have been tired all day.

That said, a lot was accomplished. I've been reading a book on python, and learned how to use PowerShell today. Learning how to program excites me, and is something I want to work hard until I get it. Also, while I did get cravings, I wanted success more today, which feels good.

The main negative today was from lying around so much. I took lots of naps. Getting proper sleep is crucial, so I can prevent this. I love the feeling of being focused. I want to unleash my savage self.

 

Edited August 13, 2020 by ClimbingTheTriangle

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

Once more, with feeling.

This is my second day of the Fall semester. Classes are going well, and while it's a lot of work, I feel confident I can stay on top of it if I take it day by day. I've been watching a lot of Leo's spiral dynamics videos. I want to become more stage yellow. I can see how important that is. I've been trying to use that mentality to transmute the lust that's been distracting me, into productive energy. It's been difficult.

That said, I have been enjoying working hard. I know as the semester progresses everything will become more and more difficult, and thus more overwhelming. By knocking out my goals, bit by bit, every day, my hope is that I can live the balanced life I crave.

What I want to work on tomorrow: to set realistic, small study goals for the day.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

I was having an amazing day today. I know that habit work leads to minor changes, but a paradigm shift will lead to major ones. Looking at the world through spiral dynamics has been helping immensely.

That's why is makes me mad that half an hour ago, right before I'm about to go to bed, I let a bad habit resurface.

Still, I'm not going to let this kill my momentum. Tomorrow, I will continue about my tasks. I want to reach stage yellow.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

I'm finally on ADHD medicine again. I'm so much more focused. I woke up in the middle of the night, last night, and used the time to code until I was tired again. Everyone around me can see how much happier I am. My happiness is very much tied to how well I am following my habits. Tomorrow starts off a long weekend, which would usually be a very lazy time for me, so I am nervous. If I use this weekend correctly, though, I will have be ahead in my work, which will give me time to properly prepare for harder assignments in the future.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

I know this journal looks like a joke, but I don't care. I know that as of recently, I have been getting a lot better, and have been reaching a higher state of self awareness and control.

Last night, I woke up (likely due to my new medication) and felt horrible. This lead me to watch anime and PMO. I take full responsibility. This didnt last long. After sleeping in a bit, I hit the ground running, and over the next series of hours, I finished that very challenging coding homework. It's been a productive day. Going to the Stages of Ego Development video, I feel like last night I was at a low point, so I was going from Achiever to Expert, and being more hedonistic. But I am much more solidly Achiever now. Being on medication allows me to feel in control. I do what I need to with my time. It feels good.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 3

Doing well. Went camping with my girlfriend yesterday. The one negative is, at the end of the day I tried to meditate, but was so tired. Definitely something to be done early on, like I did today.

Today, I feel like I haven't gotten much done, even though I know I've got done plenty. I just feel restless. Just interupted my yoga practice, because I just didnt have the patience to finish it. I feel kind of numb and anhedonic. Maybe just tired. I know my sleep schedule hasnt been the best, with my medication waking me up. I'll go to bed on time, and I know that classes tomorrow will lift my spirits.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 4

Did great today. Incredibly tiring. After a long field biology lab, I wanted to be lazy, but pushed through. After making dinner and studying some, though, I watched a lot of MMA videos. It's something I want to get back into, but I was using it as an excuse to avoid my workout. Finally did it.

Tomorrow, my goal is to follow the calendar schedule I set. It's going to be a little weird, since I'm doing a workout with my friend, and then studying with him afterwards. Doing this, and being away from home, my schedule will be a little wonky. So, more so, my goal is to get my school done early, so I have a couple hours to get my last few miscellaneous things done. Lately I've been rushing them, and barely getting them done. This will change that.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 5

Had my best meditation session in a long time, if ever. I kept my back straight for all 20 minutes, and let my mind do what it wanted. Afterwards, my friend and I did a brutal workout. Then we studied together, but I chose not to take my ADHD medicine, so I could get a good night's sleep, and got almost nothing done. Lots of YT.

Tomorrow, my plan is to get my school work done early. It's clear that my medication makes my life so much better. Looking forward to going to bed soon and taking it tomorrow.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

It's been a long time. While that, and the struggles I've faced with myself, have discouraged me some, I have been improving so much. I have been making A's in all of my classes, and have moderately kept up with my exercise plan. Also, my meditation consistency has been at an all time high.

Having dubbed this my Kaizen journal, my goal for tomorrow is to spend at least one hour where I am solely focused for 15 minute intervals, and then take a one minute break in between. If I do more intervals, great. But I want to do at least one.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

Yesterday was going pretty well, until late afternoon. I tried my focus exercise, and accomplished it for an hour, to some degree. I took some giant breaks, which, honestly, I find to be a better system if I'm getting a lot of work done after them. The problem is, I became unfocused, and no longer did any work.

Today was very different. Very focused. I was bummed out when my midterm was very difficult, this morning, but I managed to control my emotions. I realized that a calm mind, and taking calm actions, were the way to go.