Shir

Depression and Emptiness? How To Move Forward?

3 posts in this topic

Hey Everyone! :)

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on my current emotional situation...

Long story short, I've been feeling quite lost in the past few days, spiritually but even more so existentially.

I just found out some important information about my dream job that suddenly made me rethink eveything about it, and life. My dream job was to become a Clinical Psychologist, I'm 28 and this has been my dream literally since I was about 15/16 or so. Ever since, I worked really hard to finish my Degree and sadly I am not there yet due to having depression for years and thus slowing down my progress. That being said, I had been VERY upset internally for years, realizing I might never be able to get into a graduate program/graduate school in said field because of the VERY high standerds where I live. It is near impossible even to those that already have all the requirments. I took things very much to heart, to the point where I sincerley felt like such a failure in life - that I wasn't smart enough and accomplished enough to acheive my goals, that literally every one apart from me including school friends and other students I met - were and are so much better than I. I literally cannot even begin to tell you how long I've been taking this to heart for many years now. 

However, suddenly 2 or so days ago I read some information in regards to how what I REALLY wanted, in real life - isn't so financially rewarding...at all. I basically got inside information as to how things would have gone if I ever did make it like I wanted to (I wanted a very specific path in the Clinical Psychology realm of practicing Therapy). At first when I read everything and talked with a few ppl that know what's up...I suddenly felt...relieved, in a sense. My dream suddenly seemed to break apart. I felt like all the effort all these years was...for something that wasn't even worth it financially. Obviously money is NOT everything in life (!!!) however it was a huge wakeup call as I knew I could never sustain myself finanically if I continued to go down that path - not only myself, it would literally never be enough if I ever was married and or had to support kids. To makes things more clear - it wasn't even enough to sustain even MYSELF and only myself. Especially for someone that has to go through literally 3 years undergrade + 2 years graduate school + 2-3 years waiting for an internship program and then 4 years being an intern --> the salary you get AFTER all this was what I meant when I said it cannot possibly be sustainable. Next to nothing for everything that a professional Clinical Psychologist "deserves" to make after such a long process (keep in mind - I mean a very specific thing). 

I suddenly felt so empty after finding this out. Somehow RELIEVED after beating myself up sooo much emotionally all these years, that I was never enough and feeling pain in not getting to my dream...but now? I realized that even if by a MIRACLE I did achieve me dream...it wouldn't be as "amazing" as I thought it might. 

At the same time, I have lost the desire for friendhips, romantic relationships, marriage, a social life...I felt like what I had "left" was school and trying to achieve my dream, which now has literally pretty much broken apart. Don't get me wrong, there is still pain in this. But now I feel this...existential pain like as an acutal person that feels empty - what do I do when I lost ALL those desires I just mentioned plus the ONLY thing I really, really wanted in life? 

I know people might suggest becoming a Therapist in other fields...I TOTALLY looked into everything I have where I live! And I thought of something as plan B...but my heart knows that it's literally just a bandage for what was my real dream, Clinical Psychology. Like I am trying to settle with myself and my heart and soul. 

I know not everyone in life gets to achieve their dream. I totally get that, and the more I grow older - the more I respect it. However as someone that's been suffering from Depression for YEARS...I cannot even begin to tell you how much I put all my hope into this dream carrer. I would literally feel like this is what I have to hope for...but now this happened. I feel empty. I get teary eyed just thinking about it because I feel like I want to say sorry to my inner child, sorry that I am still not enough even at 28 and that I didn't achieve what I wanted. 

I am in some way grateful that I don't have to really beat myself up (that much) after knowing what I found out in regards to the financial prospects if I ever did get to my dream job. 

I just...I don't know what to do. I cannot even begin to tell you how much depression has consumed my life (also because of all the struggles with school) and now I feel empty because I was sucidal for YEARS and thought that this is what I have to hold onto, my dream job but now that's...gone. 

Everything seems kind of pointless and now I feel like I have to push myself through school just to finish my degree when in fact I just feel like, what's the point? so that I can finish my degree and never get into what I really wanted but then if by some miracle I did, then that's shit too? Yesterday everything just dawned on me and I remember almost laying back on the couch and feeling the sunrays on my skin and my eyes brimming with tears and all the years of me wanting this dream job and feeling suddenly how I don't know anything about life anymore and feeling deep down that I am nothing...I sincerely felt that nothing that I am. 

I hope you guys are understanding my heart in bewteeen the lines, I just feel so incredibly sad like what's the point to be honest? I cannot help but feel so sad existentially. 

Please let me know your thoughts on how you think I should maybe move forward - I am so sadly lost on a real existential level and I wish I could convay how say and depressed I feel over it all. 

Thank You Kindly,

<3.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry for your dilemma ? 

That is a lot of school and loans for a mediocre salary. In the US, typical salary is between $50,000-110,000 for clinical psychologist, but when you factor in all the loans and how that top pay won't come for many years. It is discouraging. 

My friends son was going for that and stopped (not sure why), but he has a bachelor's degree in psychology and is  only making $12 an hour as a case manager with special needs children with that degree. Just awful. Ppl at McDonald's make more money. 

If your decision is final then grieve the loss and pull yourself up by the bootstraps and figure out what to do now. Can you talk with a school counselor at your college about changing your degree? How far into it are you?

As a side note, many ppl struggling with mental health issues want to go into mental health careers to give back and help others like them, but its not always the best decision actually. It can often be a huge struggle. This could be a blessing in disguise.

?

 

 


“You don’t have problems; you are the problem.”

– Swami Chinmayananda

Namaste ? ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Shir said:

I took things very much to heart, to the point where I sincerley felt like such a failure in life - that I wasn't smart enough and accomplished enough to acheive my goals, that literally every one apart from me including school friends and other students I met - were and are so much better than I.

Realize these for what they are, thought stories. If you're honest and take an eagle eye perspective for a moment, nobody is really "better" than anyone else. They just have circumstances that are more favorable or less for getting certain results. Depending on what you want.

If your goal is to make a lot of money for example, you'll always look at rich people or those with higher paying jobs than you as "better". However if you were someone who doesn't care about money, you literally wouldn't care and wouldn't be suffering like you are here.

See what I'm getting at? It's a self-manifestation of suffering, which means since you're creating it, you can also end it by letting go and ceasing to desire so many things. This isn't to say you shouldn't have goals or wants in life, just approach them without needless comparison. The only thing you need to measure yourself against is, who you were yesterday.

As for the goal of getting the dream job collapsing, I'm truly sorry. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it will make you stronger given enough time passing. Take this "relief" as an opportunity to redirect yourself. You have had a burden lifted off your shoulders! Feel the lightness in your body and mind, and use that to fuel you towards something new. Even if you don't quite know what that is yet.

It is important to take some time to sit in your emotions and give yourself permission to fully feel what you need to feel, but don't stew in it too long. Give yourself a specific amount of time as you make plans to go forward.

I have felt a very similar kind of depression as well years ago. I found the thing that helped me most was not allowing so much of my identity be tied up into my "work" or what I'm doing to earn money. If you're too invested in something and the investment doesn't go as planned, it can be devastating.

Take seriously the task of finding enjoyment and pride in your life in all it's other domains; hobbies, relationships, families, community, etc.

Wisdom is balance.

Good luck - Roy :)


hrhrhtewgfegege

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now