Need an advice on a relationship - am I overreacting?

[Khr]

Hi all,

I need an advice on the guy I am dating. We’ve been together for 7 months now.

I started noticing something about him in the beginning of our relationship. The first time it happened we were sitting in his car and he said smth like “I got into a fight with this guy at hockey yesterday”, when I know I was speaking on the phone with him “yesterday” and he didn’t go to hockey, neither did he go the night before. Then it would be something like “oh I’ve never been to this skating ring” turning into “yea I’ve been here every day last winter”.  Recently, when I made fun of his hair, he said “yea, I should’ve gotten a haircut right before quarantine”, when before he would tell me “I’m so lucky I got a haircut right before quarantine”. Another recent one was “no, I haven’t watched the video you sent me yet”, then in 2 days when I asked him about the video, or how he put it “quiz him”, he said “I don’t remember exactly how the video went I watched it like three weeks ago”.

Before him, I did date a narcissist who would always lie. My current boyfriend says I am projecting my past experience on him. Whenever I bring this (the small lies) up, he starts getting angry, says it’s crazy how I even notice such things, that he’s just the kind of person who doesn’t remember things, “I don’t even remember what I ate in the morning”. He is a good guy and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s me projecting, I truly don’t know what to do. 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Khr

[Flowerfaeiry]

That sounds really hard. Its hard to know exactly whats going on but it does raise an eyebrow. And it seems to make you think, which could be a sign something is going on. 

He could be a liar or he could just be spacey? Considering your pattern of dating narcissists it makes me wonder. 

I would recomend keeping your feelers up and also taking a relaxed approach to it.  Good luck. 

[IJB063]

He’s probably insecure, that’s the only reason I can think up for him making such petty lies

Its not a major red flag, could be a sign of others though 

Edited June 21, 2020 by IJB063

[Preety_India]

 

Seems like he as bad memory issues.. Doesn't seem like he is doing this on purpose.. 

You can take it slow before jumping to conclusions. 

I myself forget a ton of things and mix up things happened in the past. 

If you see him making up a story as he goes, for example creating a full scenario that never happened for example where he says something happened a certain way and includes you into it just for the sake of placing blame then it's not forgetting or memory issues. 

In that case he could be a narcissistic psychopath. 

My second ex was like that. He would make up things that never happened in order to frame me later. It was a way of blaming and Gaslighting me. 

I would be careful in such a case. 

 

[Khr]

@IJB063 yea, I do think he is insecure. At the same time, I can’t help him with it. The inconsistencies make me feel very confused and mess with my head a lot. Plus I keep thinking, if he is willing to lie about little things, why would he not lie about big ones? These things make him lose my trust. As I always say, insecure people are the worst, I even think that all the evil in the world comes from insecurity.

[Khr]

@Preety_India Would you mix things up that happened a few days ago though? Say things like “yesterday I went to the movies”, when you actually went 3-4 days ago? Or say you’ve never been somewhere when you actually have been there? Could you elaborate a bit more on how and why you mix things up?

[Preety_India]

 

21 minutes ago, Khr said:

@Preety_India Would you mix things up that happened a few days ago though? Say things like “yesterday I went to the movies”, when you actually went 3-4 days ago? Or say you’ve never been somewhere when you actually have been there? Could you elaborate a bit more on how and why you mix things up?

Yep. I do mix up things in the same manner a lot often now because of stress related issues. The stress has impacted my memory pretty bad. And I do remember making mistakes where I have said that I've been to a place when I haven't been there. This memory mix up also happens due to intense anxiety that causes me to blank out and fill in the spaces with things that didn't happen or make things up. 

But I could be a rare case. I don't think a lot of people have issues that I have. 

My problem is mostly with short term memory. Like the other day I told my friend that I had completed an assignment when I hadn't. That happens when I have too many things on my mind and that causes me to get absent minded. 

But it doesn't happen a lot. Just sometimes because of sleep deprivation, anxiety or too much stress. 

I don't think this is the case with the guy who you're dating. But I can't be sure if he is truly suffering memory issues and mishaps or if he is deliberately lying. 

 

[JessiChell]

@Preety_India

It sounds like he's a compulsive liar which is a major red flag. 

15 hours ago, Khr said:

henever I bring this (the small lies) up, he starts getting angry, says it’s crazy how I even notice such things, that he’s just the kind of person who doesn’t remember things, “I don’t even remember what I ate in the morning”.

This is gaslighting. Which means he absolutely knows what he's talking about. 

There's a book called, "Why does he do that?" That teaches you how to spot an abuser/manipulator. He is one. 

Give yourself absolute self-love and you will know what to do. 

[Preety_India]

 

@JessiChell

What I would do in such a case is give that person a benefit of the doubt in the initial period to see his pattern of behavior. 

I'm not the best at spotting a liar because most  of my exes were good liars and I gave them too much benefit of the doubt before I caught obvious lies. 

I think it's a complicated task. I myself sometimes forget what I ate in the morning especially on days when I didn't get good sleep so his excuse doesn't look way off the mark to me. But then again I'm not the best person to know if a person is lying. So I'll leave it to circumstances. 

 

[Khr]

@Preety_India @JessiChell He says that he doesn’t have memory issues, it’s just that these details don’t matter to him. He says that it doesn’t matter to the story when he did something (for example if he first says he did it last weekend, but it was actually yesterday) so he doesn’t bother to get the dates correctly. 

We argued so much over this already. I don’t think he is doing this to manipulate me. He says that this was never a problem with anyone else, which I do see as a form of gaslighting. He said that any other girl would just “laugh it off” if anything. It drives me crazy though. I can’t feel easy around him, and now it feels like I am even more sensitive to these things.

[Preety_India]

 

@Khr the best thing is to let it go. It's not a big issue as I see it. He is just messing up little details. If you press him on about it, it could unnecessarily turn into a mountain between the two of you. I would suggest a chill pill on this issue. The love between the two of you is more important. Let him make mistakes, it's all a part of the whole process of living. In return he will admire you for understanding and trying to get along with him. 

 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[JessiChell]

@Preety_India for some reason I thought you wrote this post. I think it glitched on my end. 

Sorry about tagging you

[Preety_India]

@JessiChell ❤️

 

 

[Roy]

@Khr From what you've said it sounds like you're reading into it a little too much maybe and getting too anxious. It's possible that he's just very forgetful, maybe he's lying somewhat and you bringing it got him to be a little defensive. It's not great obviously, but it might just be a minor problem, not always the symptom of something bigger. You should doing two things;

- Consider bringing it up a little more playfully and lightly, without attaching too hard to convincing him of what he actually said if he doesn't remember. If he gets a little mad and too insistent, just let it go and don't press. Forget about it.

- Don't get in your own head and assume you're projecting anything from your last relationship. It may be possible, but it's certainly not helpful because you're just going to propagate your own anxiety and make it a "self-fulfilling prophecy".

Just monitor for now without caring too much and do some things to deepen the trust in the relationship. You only need to be worried if some extremely blatant lie comes up. It could just be a clumsy memory from him, not malicious. Give him the benefit of the doubt unless you start to see real motives.

[h inandout]

I think it makes sense for you to feel crazy.  I'm really sorry you are experiencing this, and sorry his defensiveness is blocking genuine understanding at this moment.

Having been through complete devastation of my life due to someone superimposing their paradigm over mine, even negating my own, I have to say this really sucks to experience.  I think one landmark that brought me both frustration and relief was in catching my own self in a lie (specifically, I was lying to my judgemental mom).  I didn't suddenly excuse the ex-abuser, but I did have deeper awareness at the process that creates these warps in reality. 

[aklacor727]

To me, the types of things he is saying don't make sense as just being "forgetful." With the haircut example, saying "he was so lucky he got a haircut before quarantine" isnt forgetting, that's making something up. 

It seems like this is a newer relationship? 

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 21/06/2020 at 0:13 AM, Khr said:

Before him, I did date a narcissist who would always lie. My current boyfriend says I am projecting my past experience on him. Whenever I bring this (the small lies) up, he starts getting angry, says it’s crazy how I even notice such things, that he’s just the kind of person who doesn’t remember things, “I don’t even remember what I ate in the morning”. He is a good guy and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s me projecting, I truly don’t know what to do. 

The problem if there is any is discussed in Robert Greens book, the laws of human nature. People go through life living on autopilot in the matrix. The software is on loop. The LTR can change but the code is the same. You mention a history of dating liars, narcissists, and other faulty characteristics. You can find a new bf or you can do some introspection. I highly recommend that you give the book a read. One of the most annoying things in relationships is that, people always want the other person to change instead of actually taking steps towards personal growth. Boundaries are huge. So, lying is a deal breaker. I don't care for the excuse, I am out. You can day, "the grass is purple," and i lost your phone number. Deceit and lying kills trust. 

From what you said, it sounds like you are projection and you may have picked up a similar bf. The sec lying or deceit occurs, you leave and you don't come back. 

[Khr]

@Onemanwolfpac yes , this is what I believe the true approach should be, whenever any kind of deceit comes about, just walk away.

The problem is, he is a good person, kind and helpful, he is always there for me. That’s why it is so hard for me to walk away.

I don’t understand why he is so inconsistent in his stories. A few months ago, I remember thinking about it so much I started getting dizziness episodes. I have discussed this situation with some friends too, some of them think it’s not a big deal and “we all do it sometimes” or “he is just trying to impress you”. Some of my friends also think I am being too picky with guys.

Edited June 26, 2020 by Khr

[Khr]

@aklacor727 yes, we have been together since November.

Yea, those things are not that little, and really make me doubt everything he is saying now

[aklacor727]

@Khr I would feel the same as you. And honestly, even if it's innocent forgetfulness, which like I said to me that doesnt even make sense, it would be a dealbreaker for me just because of the trust issues that it brings up.. can't be livin like that too much stress having to wonder all the time