LastThursday

Journey to Nothing

462 posts in this topic

Are we living in a story? Whenever I think, I seem to do it with the baggage of my history, places, people, events, phases and the story arc of my life. It seems inescapable, like without all this stuff going on it would all be incomprehensible. Everything is history it seems, no sooner has a new part of the story happened than it becomes yet more past. There are two clues that my story is a fiction.

The first clue is that I know how and what I think about my past has changed over time. How can something really be true if it changes? The past is malleable and can be re-configured as new insight comes in. The second clue I'm staring at. It's my complete immersion in this moment, it is something which never appears to go away, yes, it changes but it's ever present. If something is unchanging then that is truth, non-fiction. The story of me is a fiction couched inside a truth. The raw sensation of a me with all my mental baggage and history is truth itself; my mental baggage and history is a fiction and so am I. I am both a fiction and a truth together. The paradox is resolved by realising that I am the ever present moment, but I'm not its content. I exist and that is truth, but I am not the story of a me.

 

 

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm slightly bothered by the formality of my writing in my journal. Somehow my unconscious tendency is to write like I read, I mean, using the same level of language that I'm used to reading. I don't know, I feel as though I want to be more informal in my writing but I also want to express myself concisely and using all the words at my disposal. I don't talk to my friends the same way I write! Then again I don't talk to my friends about the "weird shit" I talk about here. Maybe I just need to use a different level of language to get my musings over?

I thought I'd go back to talking about dreaming. I just find the recurring themes in my dreams fascinating. I thought that maybe I would try my hand at dream interpretation for a laugh. Although, I think that on the whole trying to decipher dreams is pointless. If there is some sort of hidden message in dreams then it's only meaningful within that dream space. I suspect that given enough time though, the reason why certain themes repeat themselves becomes apparent. Here's a few of those themes and reasons why:

Running

I have a fair number of these. Normally I'm just running and feeling hot and sweaty. I do run in real life (or used to), so there's a connection there. My suspicion is that those times I'm just too hot in bed and I normally wake up sweating. Sometimes though, there's a kind of urgency in my running as if I need to make it to some appointment or other - maybe I just need to wake up and cool down.

Swimming/toilets

I have a fair few dreams where I'm either in a swimming pool or open water. I'm not a hugely great swimmer in waking life, but I do enjoy being in water. There's normally no particular reason for being in the water and no anxiety, it's a pleasant experience. 

The other side of the coin is trying to find somewhere to pee (in the dream of course). Usually, it's a failure. Mostly either it's too exposed, or the toilets are too disgusting to use, or the toilet floor is flooded, or I'm naked or partially undressed and I feel too uncomfortable to go, or I simply can't find somewhere to go. I suspect there is some form of anxiety around this that is a mirror of waking life. Although the level of disgust is unsettling, which I don't normally get in waking life. Occasionally I'm successful within the dream. Yay!

Both of these I've worked out is because I actually need to pee, most times I wake up desperately needing to go. Good brain.

Ex girlfriends

This is a very frequent theme. This is despite having not been in a relationship a fair while. Normally it's just very run-of-the-mill, and the ex is just sort of in the background of my dream like an extra or there's minimal interaction. There's nothing sexual at all about these dreams. For many many years I dreamt about my first girlfriend (I was about 15/16 when I was with her!) and her family. This is strange because I haven't seen or had contact with her since I was about 19. Although I have met up with her brother in the last ten years (who I was also friends with), and her sister is on my Facebook (strangely). I won't use her name but these dreams were so frequent I actually used to call them E------- Dreams, to myself. 

The E' Dreams I think has something to do with an intense curiosity about what she's up to now. She was always the black sheep of the family, when I met her brother he could tell me nothing about her, he hadn't spoken to her in a very long time. I had no pictures of her either. She seems to have no internet presence at all. At the time, being a teenager my parents had already separated, and her family sort of adopted me, and they became my second family. I suspect this had a deep impact on my psyche. A lot of emotion and other things are bound up in that period of my life.

However, I recently found a couple of photos of E in my mum's photo albums. My E' Dreams have now stopped - weird.

Flying, levitating

See my previous journal entry about this. In general I think its caused by being horizontal in bed, but upright in the dream, because IRL my feet are not touching anything, so this is interpreted as being off the ground in my dream.

Exploration

For many many years I used to explore buildings in my dreams. I would go room to room, and through corridors and up and down staircases. There would rarely be people around and normally it would be dimly lit. There would be a lot of attic spaces with weird assortment of stuff up there. Occasionally I would have to climb over balconies to get from one place to another. One particularly memorable dream I was on a balcony and realised I needed to hide from someone, I had nowhere to go, so I climbed over and hung from my fingers from the floor of the balcony, hoping my fingers wouldn't be seen - it would make a great movie sequence!

I am an inquisitive type of person. I lot of the reason why I enjoy walking is to explore new places just to see how places fit together. I think my dreams are an extension of this curiosity. However, I have no explanation as to why there are always inside buildings. I'm not the sort of person to get lost normally, and I don't normally go wandering around abandoned buildings, who knows? Maybe there's a computer game element to this, I did used to enjoy games like Half-life and Counterstrike, which are kind of "room based" and exploratory.

These types of dreams have largely stopped recently. But have switched mostly to staircases. They're bloody annoying in my dreams. It's like Hogwarts most of the time: staircases that lead into walls, staircases with scary large drops into other staircases. In last nights dream I had to slide down the shiny metal handrail to get from one staircase to the other. Why!? Don't know.

Trains

Again the frequency of these types of dreams has decreased. It's everything around trains, from waiting in stations, trying to find ways to get to my destination, walking on tracks, mainline trains, tube trains, walking through train tunnels from station to station, and on and on. I mean, most of these things I've never done in real life. I don't even travel on trains frequently any more (I drive). Saying that, I did used to travel on trains a lot in my teenage years and I was fascinated with trains from a young age. In a nerdy way I still am (see my post about subway maps!).

I worked out in the end that the trains are just a metaphor for travel in general and especially commuting. They were more frequent when I had to drive into work longer distance. 

Aliens

I don't have these types of dreams much any more. Normally there was a nightmarish or scary aspect to these dreams. A lot of times I would be staring into the sky, normally at night and weird stuff would happen, like stars would move about. Or, I would be in dimly lit or dark rooms and would feel a presence there. It's hard to describe the scariness of these dreams, I mean most of the time I wouldn't even see anything, very rarely I might actually catch a glimpse of an alien; but there would always be a kind of malevolence about the whole thing. I would often wake up scared. Normally on my back. One suspicion is that maybe I momentarily stop breathing because I'm on my back, it's possible, I do know I snore, so possible sleep apnea?

I don't really know how to interpret these dreams really. I do have an interest in the paranormal, and there is something about the possibility of aliens that I find unsettling, it's one of those things where I think it's mostly bullshit stories, but there's a tiny sliver of doubt about my conviction. I found films like Close Encounters of the Third Kind fairly unsettling as a kid, and maybe that's embedded itself in my psyche. A boogeyman of sorts to be scared of.

 


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've offhandedly thought about giving up alcohol and being teetotal recently. It seems to be a recurring thought. I'm finding I'm paying attention to it and not just dismissing it like I have before. This has happened before. I was quite addicted to Facebook for a long while, it slowly sucked me towards its event horizon, but I was saved before I became whatever happens to existence inside a collapsed mega star. Sorry... I digress. In short, I gave Facebook up and never looked back. Mostly, I nip on there once in a blue moon, and instantly regret it, but that's enough of a reminder.

I did the same with consuming the news. Every time I watched it or listened to it or read it, it made me angry, miserable, helpless or digusted. Eventually, I paid heed to all those that said: just stop it. Again, I've never looked back. It may still catch me unawares if I'm listening to the radio whilst cooking (wtf's a radio hmm??), but I let it wash over me and I switch it off soon after.

Alcohol is different. It's part of the fabric of socialising in this country (The United Kingdom of...). Stopping drinking puts you into that category of people who are nice enough but completly vanilla. That thought really pokes at my ego - I should just let it burst that ego, but my ego is tough and rugged, with a square jaw. Several things have confluenced to make thoughts of not drinking ever again rise up to the surface. One was visting my dad.

In a bid to try and save his health (he has heart disease and diabetes), he in hunkering down on diet and being strict. I know that having to do this hurts him, he loves his food. However, its extremely likely that that food has over his lifetime given him type two diabetes. There is also a strong correlation between diabetes and heart disease. Seeing all this, makes me not want to embody his health issues for my self later on - it's making me think about my own consumption and how I could clean things up: alcohol would be a relatively easy win.

I don't drink particularly often, especially I haven't in the lockdown. I was bought a bottle of Armagnac back in May and I haven't touched it, I just so rarely drink alone (I love Argmagnac). It's the Facebook effect, every time I do have even a glass of alcohol, I feel like shit the day after. For some reason feeling like shit never bothered me that much before, I just waited a day and all was good. But nowadays it just really bothers me. I don't want to feel shit at all, especially not in a self-imposed way. Why do it?

Now that the UK is opening up, I have been out socialing and drinking as a consequence. Other than the feeling a bit shit the day after, I also behave like an idiot if I drink a bit too much. I don't have a big build, so I don't have body mass to soak up a lot of alcohol - I get drunk quickly. I mean, I'm harmless I'm not an aggressive drunk, I just talk a whole bunch more than I normally would and I'm just even more uninhibited than normal. Mosttimes the lack of inhibition friends find entertaining, but occasionally it crosses the uncanny valley and it gets irritating. I won't go too much into drunken stories, but let's just say I should stay away from taxi drivers, and attractive women half my age with big burly boyfriends.

Whilst really IDGAF about my drunken uninhibition, I do care about my friends. If my behaviour is not fun for them or annoying, and I only do it because I'm drunk with them, then really I ought to just stop it and grow up.

Is it possible to go out out and have the same relationship with socialising with friends without drinking at all? That's a big nope. That is to nearly a degree where I may even think about not going out - I just can't bear to be that vanilla teetotaller, and watching others being drunk is no fun at all.

Bah! I know I will become a teetotaller, it's just a matter of time, I can feel it coming. Ah well.

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Travelling back from Dublin yesterday I realised something. A lot of what makes travelling (or any such situation) uncomfortable for me is all to do with the body. For example train and aircraft seats really are uncomfortable for sitting in for any length of time. Shoulders and back begin to hurt and this makes you want to move around or get up. Fairly obvious. 

The body also complains when under some sort of stress. This can be caused by any number of things when travelling. No one enjoys queuing for example. What makes queuing unenjoyable is impatience, close proximity to people (I don't mind too much personally), and standing for long periods. For me it manifests as tension around my neck and shoulders and a tendency to hold my breath or breathe very shallowly. Mentally, it's a kind of "willing" the queue to move faster, which causes dissonance with reality. I have to actively work against these manifestations of stress: I look sideways away from the queue, relax my shoulders and try to breathe more deeply, find something else to fixate on, quieten my self-talk. Ideally I avoid queuing until the last minute.

Whilst travelling there is a lot of waiting around too, when all you want to do is be making progress towards your destination. The obvious things like reading or listening to music help, but simply just meditating or people watching can be effective. I also don't wear a watch when travelling, because clock watching causes stress and boredom. Sleep can be effective for passing time, but it's nearly always difficult to sleep sitting up without head support.

One thing I can't recommend enough is to get plenty of sleep before travelling. I tend to feel more stressed and unable to control it if I'm tired. Strangely there's also a tendency to want to eat when travelling. I don't know if this is just comfort and distraction from the stress of travelling, but I actively try and avoid eating unless I'm hungry and just drink liquid instead (I don't drink alcohol when flying to avoid dehydration and tiredness). 

Being in strange surroundings can also be off-putting, if you're abroad then odd customs, dress or having to deal with foreign languages can be difficult or even just trying to find your way round - the simplest things can become difficult. The best thing to combat this I find, is just to go with an open mind and not have too many expectations, enjoy being in a new situation, relax the body and the mind, let it wash over you.

I'd say if you can be totally relaxed in the body and mind and be in the moment when travelling, then you can apply this to all areas of life.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two throughts are whirling around each other, and I wanted to capture them before they disappear.  A: the interchangeability of the sense of self; B: the absurd coincidence of reality. I don't think they're connected outwardly, but they probably are somehow.

---

Imagine throwing a die over and over and getting the same repeating pattern 4 and 2. You would suspect something was up, and you might inspect the die for some form tampering. Probability itself says that any pattern or non-pattern is equally probable given enough throws. Now extend the notion out to infinity. The die will throw every conceivable pattern sometime in the infinite number of throws. In fact it will throw any finite sequence infinitely many times.

Notice that even though we are interested in certain patterns, say 1,2,3, each throw is totally independent of the previous throw (given a completely fair die). So despite having patterns, each pattern in itself is not cohesive, the parts of a pattern are not dependent on each other. What if we extend the analogy of die throwing to reality?

Reality appears to be "meaningful". Meaning in a stripped down sense is just patterns that we recognise. Reality is chock-full of patterns. Each object and emotion is a pattern, ideas of space and time are patterns, our sense of self is a juxtaposition of patterns. Patterns, patterns, patterns everywhere and at every level. 

Say there is an entity - for the sake of argument - which throws random assortments of qualia together infinitely many times. Somewhere along that sequence of infinity randomness dictates the qualia will come together to form meaningful patterns. We are living in one such assortment of randomness which is rich in coincidence because those patterns have occured together all at once. If you have enough monkeys mashing typewriter keys ad infinitum, they will eventually type the works of shakespeare: if God throws qualia around enough it will create your reality.

See how in this model of reality, nothing is actually dependent on anything else, it's just one big coincidence. Cause and effect is just coincidence, the laws of nature coincidence and the same for the rest. What about all those realities God threw together that didn't quite work out? It doesn't matter. The process of "throwing" qualia sits outside of time and space, it's only the patterns that matter. There's circularity here: it's only the meaningful arrangements of qualia that get "selected" by consciousness to be "reality". So the base of reality is in fact not the arrangement of qualia themselves, but the process of "selection". What gets selected? It's simple, those patterns that repeat themselves. For example, gravity is a pattern that repeats itself throughout the cosmos. The patterns are self-selecting through their own repetition.

Fundamentally any pattern is just difference. A repeating pattern is a repeating difference.

---

We feel differently at different times. We can look back at our former selves and sense that we have become different people over time.  Because we label that trajectory of our persona with the same label (e.g. Guillermo) we have an idea of continuity. But this is untrue, our sense of self can be untethered. In fact the dissolution of the self is a goal for spiritual practices. I can say killing a self (or ego), is hard to achieve and in some ways undesirable unless you go and live in a cave, or mix just in spiritual circles all the time. The next best thing is to take on different selves.

The idea is that we're made up of a huge number of processes or entities or smaller selves. This is because as apes we like to mimic other apes and also other animals. We store away all that mimicry for later retrieval. Not only that, even though we may not outwardly express that mimicry, in order to understand anything at all we have to internally embody the mimicry. This is the source of empathy and altruism, we are constantly modelling (aka theory of mind) other beings albeit mostly unconsciously. We can leverage this internalised mimicry or theory of mind, to "inhabit" other selves. The goal of this is pretty much the same as killing the self: to be free and fluid and non-attached and flexible in our thinking and behaviour.

To do this we turn up the volume on that mimicry. We are used to inhabiting our everyday selves, but with practice we can bring out all that learned mimicry to be someone else entirely, even if only for a limited time. The extreme example of this being multiple personality disorder, in which those other selves are amplified so much that they become mutually exclusive. We can do this at any time and for any aspect of ourselves.

Some things to play around with are: voice - raising or lowering pitch and tempo, walk and gait - tempo, spacing, attitude, blink rate, facial expressiveness, hand gesturing, different clothing. What tends to happen is that whatever the body does, the mind follows. If you want to think and feel differently, then change the body first. Maybe if you want to express more masculine traits, squared off shoulders, feet apart, serious expression; you will find yourself thinking in a more masculine manner. With plenty of practice this becomes second nature, and you can put on the clothes of a different self to suit a situation and your mood.

The main point is freedom of expression. Instead of being rigidly "you" you can accomodate yourself to an ever changing reality. Mimicry is the most powerful tool we posses.

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you a drama queen or king? I feel as though I've always had a strong distaste for drama, I prefer a calm and considered approach even if all hell is breaking loose. And yet, drama has followed me around like a bad smell, and I have to consider the fact that I might be at the centre of it at times. I suspect I'm a closet hypocrite.

Definitions. What constitutes drama? Fundamentally it's a strong emotional reaction to circumstances, usually negative. But in itself that isn't enough, that emotion has to be expressed in an overt way. That expression can often be over the top and impulsive, and is designed to get the attention of as many people as possible. This is so that the needs of the drama queen/king are met. There is an element of insecurity with drama.

I'm certainly guilty of having strong emotional reactions to circumstances. Usually, this comes about because of some perceived unfairness (towards me generally), or because of being overwhelmed, or more rarely the stupidity of people's actions. My default reactions are intransigence or sarcasm as a way to signal my emotions. They can be effective in getting my own way if done right. However - and I know this - they can induce strong emotions in other people and actually cause the drama I'm trying to avoid. My behaviour is to a degree selfish, but directly challenging a person can also induce drama, and I have done this plenty also. Mostly, I just keep my emotions to myself and let them dissipate, that is the sane option, but nearly always unsatisfactory.

I think my behaviours have coalesced over time in response to being in positions of helplessness when I was younger. I was helpless against bullies at school, I was helpless at work when being asked to do things I was uncomfortable with (long hours, work weekends). In order to wrest back control you have to either make the antagonist feel uncomfortable every time they deal with you, or see that you're unwilling to yield to their demands. Sarcasm or humour can be very effective for making people feel uncomfortable, without them having anything to push back against - and therefore avoiding drama. Intransigence shows that you are unwilling to yield to demands, or if you do yield, you do a bad job of carrying out their demands. Again, it's hard to fight against someone who is carrying out your demands - it avoids drama.

 A lot of drama is caused by outrage. I guess outrage is just a strong emotional reaction to some perceived unfairness or rule breaking or entitlement. The entitlement one is interesting, as often people in positions of authority expect others to do as they say. Directly challenging people in authority often causes outrage which can create drama. 

Some people use drama as a modus operandi, either consciously or unconsciously. At some point in their lives they've realised the effectiveness of getting lots of attention to bolster and validate their emotions. Often elaboration happens around those emotions and a dramatic story is weaved with lots of reasons and justifications for those emotions. Usually, there is an outward projection for the causes of those emotions and a complete rejection of responsibility for owning those emotions: that guy made me unhappy and I'm outraged, everyone needs to know my story!

And my distaste of drama comes from that need to make something bigger than it really is, the impulsiveness and irrationality of it, the need to involved people unnecessarily, and the unnecessary elaboration around simple emotions. It just makes me roll my eyes in despair.  Stay calm, keep your emotions in check, and challenge the person who upset you directly.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I held you in my hands, just for a moment and then had to let you go. I knew it in that moment that it would be forever and I would, forever, be looking back at you; back at us as we were. I was tense and angry at what happened with a certainty I haven't felt since. If only I were so certain now, but I am not, what I had is lost. Just like my old tattoo what we were has blurred and become indistinct, rubbed out by the motions of time. What's left is just a shadow of the despair I once felt, that wrench of separation now transformed into I don't know what. No matter what beautiful substitutes have taken your place - I loved them all equally - they were somehow incomparable, you would call me crazy I know. In every love I had I saw you, and yet not you; I wanted to continue loving just you and to hold you in my hands for just a moment again.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I thought I would talk about sacred spaces. Then I realised that wasn't quite right. Ok, I'll try and describe what I'm thinking about.

The first kind of space is a sacred space that of churches and cathedrals. I have a fascination with these buildings from an aesthetic point of view - I'm not religious though. In this country Canterbury and Salisbury and Winchester cathedrals come to mind. The sheer bulk of these buildings inspires awe and they are normally taller and more muscular than all the buildings around them. But they are also artistic in their constructions with lots of ornament and figurines looking down at you. They are designed to humble you and make you realise how insignificant you are; but compared to what? The majesty of heaven, or God himself. There's much embodied maleness in these buildings.

It's not that outside that I really want to talk about though, it only sets the scene. The inside is the sacred space, and it asserts its sacredness by assaulting the senses. First is the threshold normally gated by a massive wooden door, left open to invite the curious in. You get a glimpse of the interior from the threshold but never enough to work out what is going on inside. Once in you are subdued by the gloom, a kind of dim evening light which takes a few moments to readjust to. I always feel like I'm trespassing in spite of the open invitation. I suspect that feeling is induced on purpose, but I can't quite fathom how the trick is done or for what purpose. You then realise that you're inside a cavern where all sound is muffled and diffused throughout the space. The impression is always that the inside is actually larger than the outside (as if that were possible), and more delicate and oddly more feminine in character: that you are going back into the womb from where you came. Light and sound and form are being played with inside these buildings to induce a sense of sacredness and for me it always work - they are works of genius.

Some of these aspects that are captured in a cathedral occur naturally, and I have got the same sensations of awe and sacredness by accident as it were. I find being outdoors during dawn or dusk to be like this. I remember sitting outside one evening on holiday by our converted barn, and just being dumbstruck by the massive disc of the setting sun, the warm breeze, and the gentle ever quietening sounds of the countryside. The dim light inducing a kind of wariness and heightened attention.

I find dawn equally magical, I remember being picked up in a minivan to travel to the airport and go to the pyramids in Egypt. I was tired, but excited, the sky was perfectly clear and was as if the whole world were slowly coming alive for the first time. Prayers sung from the mosques could be heard in the distance, and I understood why in that moment - the coming of the day is sacred - and I felt it in that moment. It's like exiting the cathedral and being changed by the experience and being born again.

Some of what I feel in cathedrals, I've experienced inside caves, the tourist ones anyway. As you walk through them again the light is dim, and they can be cavernous or at least the sound is reflected and modulated by the flat and jagged edges of the walls. The wetness and sound of water rushing or dripping coupled with the strange forms and colours of the rock, can send you into a kind of hypnosis, which alters your perception; it feels like another world. Cathedrals have borrowed their tricks from caves.

I remember clearly being on the South island in New Zealand and being sat on a boulder overlooking a huge lake of glacial meltwater, framed by the snow tipped mountains off in the far distance. The water was an otherworldly opaque cyan, and I felt like I was inside someone's idea of a fantasy land. Other than the bus full of backpackers, the place was serene and completly still. I sat on a boulder and just looked on awed. I can honestly say that after a while I was overwhelmed emotionally, it was too much beauty. But behind the beauty was that sense of experiencing something sacred and being rudely reminded that this is how I was meant to feel about my existence.

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(beauty alert)

Thinking about beauty makes me emotional, it seems to stir something inside me. I want beautiful things in my life, beautiful people, beautiful surroundings, beautiful experiences. I went through a phase nearly ten years ago where all I wanted to do is be immersed into beauty, and I travelled, visited many many art galleries and museums and tried to have beautiful experiences. I was constantly emotional to the point of tears. Even now I can't work out whether my emotions triggered this seeking or whether the seeking triggered my emotions.

I have had this constant nagging sensation that I'm missing something or I misplaced a part of myself somewhere along the line. A few minutes before starting to write here I worked out what it was, you guessed it: beauty. My listlessness and lack of motivation is caused by one thing only, and that is a lack of beauty to my life. I really thought that what was holding me back was my mediocre circumstances, and my mediocre self and that was causing my lacklustre approach to life. All I needed was to be more excited, more extrovert, harder working, more committed. No. I'm excited and attracted by beautiful things and people.

In that race for comfort I've pared everything down to the essentials so that I could live as a distraction free life as possible. My teenage years so unbalanced me that I withdrew into austerity and self deprecation, I didn't want life to intrude and assert its unwanted distractions and tribulations. I was never allowed to sit still however, life won over me. At university I was constant motion, after that I had girlfriends and careers to think about, constant socialising and my family never let me off the hook with their incessant neediness. Inwardly, I gave up all responsibility to myself and lived for and through other people.

Through no choice of my own (I think) I've been given the chance to get what I always desperately wanted: mostly to be left alone by the ugliness and neediness of life. I've managed to take a deep ten year breath and managed to regain some of that balance I lost all those years ago. I've stopped being beholden to anyone (except my employers and landlady). I'm really free to take flight. I've wiped the slate clean so to speak and now I need to fill it with something. It has to be beauty. Not some limited definition of concensus beauty, but a wider more embracing kind of beauty. I need to be grateful for the beauty around me I already have and even just to recognise it and nuture it. Also, I need to learn what beauty really is to me and pay very close attention to it and be guided by it. And lastly, I have to actively create it for myself, be inspired by it, excited by it and let it motivate me.

When I fantasize about the things I want in my life and who I want to be, I realise now that there is a common thread. I'm ready to tug on that thread.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I found it! The picture of the place in NZ I was talking about two posts ago, although it doesn't really do it justice:

DSCF2902a.JPG

Some I took of Salisbury Cathedral:

salisbury.jpg

I forgot about the rabbits:

salisbury-inside.jpg


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me take you by the hand and lead you to a new self.

Let me take you by the hand and lead you to a different way.

Let me take you.

Let me take you quickly; slowly.

Let me take you by the hand and lead you to Nirvana.

Let me take you by the hand and lead you to a unity.

Let me take you by the hand and lead me to you.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had some musings on the epiphenomenon of thought and being a "me" in a body.

One question that continually bugs me is why am I me? The slap your forehead answer is: because I'm not someone else. But there's no joy in that answer, the alternative answers fling you down a deep rabbit hole of existentialism.

One of those anwers is that the notion of me is just an epiphenomenon. The analogy is like that of a computer, hardware and software. The hardware is of course physicality itself, all those transistors and silicon. The software is the configuration of electrons in that all that hardware; electrons themselves also being physical, but the combinatorial properties of shuffling electrons around is the epiphenomenon of software. So it is with "me". The hardware is the stuff of consciousness, colours, sounds, smells, the software is the sense of a "me" inside a body and being a world. The stuff of consciousness arranges itself combinatorially (in patterns) out of which runs the program of a self.

This analogy has a strong whiff of the simulation hypothesis. In a way it is, a "me" is being simulated, as if I were a computer game character; except the hardware is definitely not a silicon computer and the software is not electrons running a program. So what should I make of this fact in relation to asking myself "why me"? The first thing is perhaps the software is such that it has tendency to ask this sort of question about itself, maybe it's completely an epiphenomenon of no value whatsoever; if the software of "me" were to be wiped the hardware would persist and do its own thing. This is just enlightenment from a different angle. Enlightenment is just trying to break the programming enough that these sorts of questions are meaningless, it baldly points out that I'm just software and a frivolous epiphenomenon, and that the "me" can become aware of this.

What enlightenment is, is the hardware asserting its authority over the software.

Ok more about the question "why me?". What's the alternative? Maybe I would jump from person to person and time period to time period Quantum Leap style. In this scenario some core essence of "me" would remain between jumps, because if it didn't I wouldn't be aware of jumping at all. I say "person" because hardware-wise that is the nearest analogue that would fit my program. If I were to jump into a fly, the "me" program would have a very hard time running. If I were to jump into different persons, then that core essence would bleed into that person's character. There would be a discontinuity in that person. If you go to the literature this indeed seems to happen (walk-ins or possession for example).

What about jumping around in time? This should be possible too as an alternative. Again the hardware of consciousness is all-powerful, it can manifest anything it likes. Time period is a very high level concept and involves notions of change. For example to say I could jump into a Victorian gentlement, my core essence would need enough knowledge to realise that this had happened. There is this sense again, that my core essence would have a hard time running say 10,000 years in the future on a foreign planet, so would prefer more familiar time periods.

Maybe the idea of familiarity or compatibility is all that's needed. I am "me" and not "you" because if I were to jump around inhabiting different bodies and time periods, they would be too alien and basically incompatible with the software. I stay as "me" in this body because the software refuses to run on any other hardware. Don't get me wrong though, hardware is not materialism, it's not that "me" couldn't run in your body, that's not it, it's because "me" runs on this particular configuration of consciousness.

That's the problem with epiphenomenons, they give the air of being detached from the substrate that gives rise to them, but in reality they are the substrate behaving in certain persistent ways. I am consciousness not separate from it, it's just that that consciousness has become configured in a certain way that gives rise to a "me".

This begs the question of whether "you" actually exist. Maybe the reason I can't jump from body to body, is that there is in reality one instance of software of "me" running, otherwise known as solipsism. You see the software is programmed to recognise other persons and to reflect that back onto itself. I see two arms, two legs and a head that talks at me, and recognise that as some sort of analogue of "me". So not only is the program simulating "me" it is also simulating "you". Don't confuse the raw conscious experience of a person (hardware), with the experience of seeing your mother (software). The hardware itself does not recognise anything at all, any attempt at recognition or familiarity is all software. All the hardware is able to do is be aware, and it is aware of itself, all the rest is hardware configuring itself into software (like physical electrons running in physical silicon).

So we have a picture of the raw consciousness of the world with the singular ability to be aware of itself, and the rest is simulation. Even enlightement can't jack you out of the simulation, because if it did everything would cease to make any sense at all, like turning off the power to the computer (and aborting all running programs). The power of enlightenment is over-stated.

So, why me? Because I am an epiphenomenon of a slice of consciousness, that has sandboxed itself. The only option open to me is to modify the program of "me" running enough that the hardware asserts itself more strongly.

 


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I'll ramble today. It's kind of interesting sometimes just to be nosey about other people's lives and what they get up to. I guess that's why some of us watch TV soaps (I do not). I'm fighting with the cognitive dissonance of having to do work, I have a shed load to do, but my brain is just going "nope". I just cannot quite bring myself to concentrate. Programming takes immense concentration - although it varies by task - usually I can get myself in the zone, but if anything's slightly off then it becomes nearly impossible. I do feel a bit of tiredness and I haven't been for a walk, enticingly the sun has just started shining, so I may just fuck it and go out. The problem is this particular task has been outstanding for months, and there is a lull in the influx of my workload, so now is prime to to knock this particular task on the head.

If I worked for myself it would possibly be easier, my off days I would just switch off and vegetate or do something not-left-brained. I sort of like the spacey feeling of being a bit tired, it's like being in a dream. I notice this especially on walks. I have pretty much exhausted all the walking routes around my local area, and as things go I do have my favourites which I patrol often. So I can compare and contrast the days and how I feel each time. Sometimes I'm very "present" I feel connected to my senses and focused in a certain way. Other times I'm in my head with a kind of stream of consciousness thing going on, my thoughts are fleeting and incoherent (no I'm not psychotic) and I feel disconnected from the world around me - at times like these my walks seem to pass very quickly. I often try and force connection with my senses, by paying attention to what's going on around me, and it can work after some time, other times no chance. I do like using walking to ground me, as I'm very prone to being in my head. Yet other times, I'm completely in thought and rational analysis, which can be useful for problem solving.

Also what's not helping is that I'm having the outside of my building painted. Scaffolding is up and I have to put up with the oddity of painters passing by my windows (I'm on the second floor). They're also painting my windows, so they keep fucking around with opening them, scraping them and so on. It's also cold outside in Blighty, so it's fucking annoying to have windows open. Apparently so my landlady tells me, they were meant to paint in Spring, but Covid or whatever. Why the fuck they have to do it in Autumn instead and not wait until next Spring I just don't understand. Yeah I know, let it go, let it wash over you, don't be too attached, it's just an illusion anyway, yeah yeah. The smell of paint fumes isn't that pleasant either.

So I'm listening to more Dub Techno which I use as an aide to work, it's a device for shutting up my chattering mind (it's not working today though). But I appreciate the repetitive and ever changing soundscape of it. This one at the moment:

I'll go into what music I like and why some time on here. But I will say I like rythmic music.

I've never been one to go against my natural impulses and inclinations, rather, I like to explore them. But this can get in the way of things I have to do, there's a lot of that being a grown up and all, it's all so tedious.

One of the biggest problems I find is that time passes so god damned quickly. I've wasted a morning already doing basically nothing. It feels like I've blinked and three hours have passed. I suspect that this is only going to accelerate as I get even older. I think what happens is that consciousness goes ever meta and novelty decreases over time. We need that novelty and consequent emotional stimulation to anchor us in time, without it, time collapses back into what it actually is: a singularity. I'm not talking black holes, I'm talking about the real nature of what's happening, anyway.

Later on this evening, I'm going to see the new Bond movie with a couple of friends. I've known both about twenty years (used to work with them originally). But one of them is recently divorced and going through the e/motions of that. I don't really keep contact with that guy, we never completely clicked as people, but my other friend acts as a linchpin between us. I understand that role well. I think some of us act as a bridge between disparate sets of friends and family. I kind of have three groups of disparate friends which I go between. I would say on the whole they're probably incompatible with each other (and also geographically), and I'm a different person to each group, which is fine, we all modulate ourselves to the people we're with: we unwittingly play a familiar character to smooth over social interaction. As for Bond, it's a bit of fun and I've seen all the other ones, so I may as well. I'm going to stay off the beers I think, although the novelty of taking a beer into a cinema never wears off.

This coming weeked I'm travelling to Norfolk for a weekend staycation with friends. It's a two or three hour drive depending, probably the latter as I'm travelling Friday rush hour, because it's unlikely my friend can organise his life to leave any earlier (wife + kid = time vortex). I've nominated myself to drive, because I enjoy it and I find being driven around less exciting.  It also gives my friend a break from being "Dad" for a bit. There's a petrol crisis at the moment around London and South East where I am, and it's been hard to find Unleaded or Diesel, luckily I don't need to commute in the car! I better get that tank filled before Friday.

This trip was organised by my friend. I never organise things. Mostly it's because I'm single and it's easier for me to go along with others' family plans than the other way around. I'm more flexible and spontaneous and I usually say "yes" to most things, I don't mind it, I'm very good at saying "no" if I don't want to do something. Plus, I dislike organising and administrating things, especially people, it's all so tedious. If others want/enjoy doing it, let them!

Ok WALK! Back later.

---

 


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi...longish time lurker of your journal here :ph34r:

That NZ picture is absolutely mesmerizing, I didn't know blue glacier lakes like that existed...wow! thanks for sharing. That shade of blue/turquoise is one of my favorite colors so I'm actually very happy to see it exists, in large bodies of water (i saw glacier water once in a river but that was it!), it looks like an upside down sky but even brighter. 

20 hours ago, LastThursday said:

One of the biggest problems I find is that time passes so god damned quickly. I've wasted a morning already doing basically nothing. It feels like I've blinked and three hours have passed. I suspect that this is only going to accelerate as I get even older. I think what happens is that consciousness goes ever meta and novelty decreases over time. We need that novelty and consequent emotional stimulation to anchor us in time, without it, time collapses back into what it actually is: a singularity. I'm not talking black holes, I'm talking about the real nature of what's happening, anyway.

I've found that time has gone by quickly for the past couple of years for me and from what I've talked with other people its a universal experience, time speeding up after you turn 20. Was that the case for you too? It's kind of a scary thought and makes me not want to waste any more moments, but at the same time not be afraid of time passing (because thats a waste too xD). What you said about novelty and consequent emotional stimulation struck out to me, I've never thought deeply about that before, but that does seem to be the case, doesn't it? Moments of emotional highs and fresh, new experiences draws out time. I'm not sure how much in a literal 'in the moment' sense it slows down time, but looking back on it does, such as comparing the memories of a couple of happy weeks traveled vs a few months of hard repetitive work. It's harder to capture the memories of repetitiveness. I wonder if you/I could retrain your brain to draw out novelty and interest from the regular day to day life, similar to seeing new things when traveling. 

20 hours ago, LastThursday said:

So I can compare and contrast the days and how I feel each time. Sometimes I'm very "present" I feel connected to my senses and focused in a certain way. Other times I'm in my head with a kind of stream of consciousness thing going on, my thoughts are fleeting and incoherent (no I'm not psychotic) and I feel disconnected from the world around me - at times like these my walks seem to pass very quickly. I often try and force connection with my senses, by paying attention to what's going on around me, and it can work after some time, other times no chance.

Same here. For me I get very comfy and routine in my favorite walks and trails and walk them hundreds of times until I exhaust my interest in places. I'll occasionally throw myself in a new place, either by force or by spontaneous interest or boredom in finding a new place. It's interesting how different our head spaces can be while walking down the same space each day! Do you find any reasons why some days are more connected or disconnected than others, while on walks, or is it pretty random? (and I wonder if there are any correlations with autopilot and dreaminess/overthinking)

Do you like to listen to music while walking or not so much? I find myself going either way, depending on my mood and where I'm at. 

 

Edited by Myioko

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Myioko I think we're a society of lurkers here in the journaling section. I really appreciate the artistry and art in your journal. I think I should get over my Brit introverted reservedness and be openly grateful about people and their journals. Anyway, I was especially struck by:

Untitled2.jpg

I can't recommend NZ highly enough, the inhabitants are truly blessed. My only recommendation is to do what I did: buy a flight, book a hostel and go experience it yourself, their Spring is best. I went around in a big green bus, it was great fun.

When I go walking I don't mind treading the same routes over and over, I enjoy seeing the slow changes of the seasons and different lights and weathers. The familiarity makes me feel like I belong to a place. Saying that I do go for longer hikes in the countryside for some novelty, the UK has a zillion rights of way through the countryside which is good for exploration. Since I like to try and be as present as possible I don't listen to music at all when outside, I find music takes me away from that, but that's just me. But I do love music for its own sakes.

I like the idea of retraining ourselves to appreciate old things in a novel way. I would read the Art of Travel by Alain de Botton, there's a section in there that talks about this very thing, he frames it something like going on holiday inside your home or something like that. One way to definitely do it is to become an artist - painter, photographer, it doesn't matter - and spend time staring at things and really appreciating them from fresh. The only danger is not getting lost in the technicality of being an artist. I find that actually touching things helps, touch railings and plants and brickwork, smell them too.

There's definitely a balance to be had when dealing with time. It's ok to just be in time and let it pass, there's a joy in just being and letting things happen - as you say thoughts of "wasting time" is itself a waste of time. Many times I've felt like I fell asleep in my twenties and suddenly woke up in my late forties - even writing it down feels odd, my thirties were a social blur. It's like I've had layers of years painted to the outside of me, but that fresh faced twenty year old is just beneath. I wouldn't undo or re-live anything though (edit: except my first kiss), it was what it was. My only advice, is to grab life by the shirt tails and really live it, especially when you're young.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@LastThursday

Thank you and yes it's easy to lurk here, I find myself caught in 'I don't want to bother' that person often, so I go back and forth in my head wether or not it should be ok to comment. (that or i really am just focused on myself sometimes) 

That painting is called 'vanity' (she's sneakily holding a mirror in her hand) and I think it's a part of or similar to the pre-raphaelites paintings, which I find beautiful as well: Realism mixed with nature, inspired by romance literature/poetry, a lot of red headed pretty ladies, and dark moody backgrounds. 

Traveling to NZ is something I would love to do in my life time so thanks for the recommendations!

6 hours ago, LastThursday said:

I enjoy seeing the slow changes of the seasons and different lights and weathers. The familiarity makes me feel like I belong to a place.

Yeah those are very good reasons and interests in walking the same trails. I think those small differences and familiarities can be taken for granted until someone moves and suddenly misses the small familiar things: Their favorite smells, a specific place, the way light travels across the room in the morning. 

The Art of Travel book sounds like an interesting book, I'll check it out.

It's interesting in how people experience time over the years and how it feels to them and look back on them, and I get that 'fallen asleep' feeling. I remember a specific moment in 1st grade when we were all handed a cookie at school and I thought 'I'll never love the taste of this cookie this much when I'm older' - I imagined that how I tasted that cookie was more 'real' than compared to the 5th graders. (which is silly haha. But at that age I thought older age had something to do with growing weary and bored and unclear with things.) but it was true that in the moment that I tasted that cookie with the utmost appreciation and clearness. It's surprisingly hard to practice 'food mindfulness', being fully focused, appreciative and aware of a small thing like eating something. 

6 hours ago, LastThursday said:

I wouldn't undo or re-live anything though (edit: except my first kiss), it was what it was. My only advice, is to grab life by the shirt tails and really live it, especially when you're young.

(lol!) And great advice to anyone at any age.

Edited by Myioko
but yes I appreciate your journal and thoughts on here and enjoy reading your journal and writing style!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LastThursday Soap Episode 2

Turns out that friend couldn't make the cinema this week. So we're hoping for next week, that is if Bond is still showing then. And so it is, organising people and why I don't like it.

I haven't been out for my daily walk, maybe I should turn it into a quaint ritual (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beating_the_bounds)? I'll still be getting my dose of daylight though, since I'm driving for my weekend break in a couple of hours. It turns out there's a jacuzzi on the premises, happy days. I'm tempted to buy champagne and sup it in my swimmers to celebrate not being at home or just to celebrate being in a jacuzzi in Autumn. I actually can't wait to switch off from normal life for bit.

I investigated the picture Vanity by Cowper shown in my previous post (thanks to @Myioko), and it turns out I can see it in the flesh at the Royal Academy of Arts in London, for free no less.  London is amazing if you like art, I've seen so many famous art works there. So I'll line it up for a few weekend's time and possibly invite my arty friend A. along. It's funny, A's husband P. is very into photography and yet being dragged around an art gallery is his idea of hell - each to their own! (The P. and A. stand for their names, not their interests). At least it's not my friend R. who I was with at a Picasso exhibition in Nice, and he just thought it was crap and could do it just as well himself - heathen. I wonder if P. could stand a photography exhibition or if his head would explode?

I think I might post about art I own at some point and go through why I have each piece. Could be mildly interesting.

Other than that, whilst I've been working today, it's just been lots of little insubstantial tasks. Frustratingly, I've made no progress on the bigger chunks of work. I so so want to quit working altogether, it's just boring mind numbing grind, and I wasn't born for this. I need to engage my beauty and wonder and awe senses more and not be used as some cog in a money making machine. But humans like to treat each other inhumanely, such is the world. I need to find a way out of the grind (although I've journaled about that conundrum extensively here).

So I ought to end with a cliffhanger. Will LastThursday finish coding up his last report of the week, before his friends arrive for holiday? Find out in next week's instalment...


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

More navel gazing.

I started to look at Leo's motivational speech video. The irony being that I haven't been motivated to watch it all. When I looked at the title for the video, I thought to myself "this isn't for me", I just don't need a talking head telling me stuff I already know but in a serious tone. But I started to watch nevertheless. That sensation I had beforehand was correct, I continued to have it whilst watching it and had to endure the dissonance of enjoying being tortured by the truth of it. In the end I gave up early on the video.

I don't need a motivational speech. But I do need to solve the problem of motivation. It's a deep deep problem for me. It's a problem because I know at my core that I'm not being true to my ......... , I don't have a word for it. Ok let's try. I'm not being true to my abilities, intelligence, self-expression, showing love, showing empathy, being successful materially, being successful in relationships, feeling joy, and all round having a beautiful life. All that presupposes that I'm entitled to those things, but if I'm not then what am I doing here? It is torturing me; causing me suffering.

I'm good at rationalisation and analysis, but I find it impossible to unpick why I lack motivation, it has nothing to do with logic. My intuition tells me that it's partly learned behaviour, but also partly response from trauma, and also partly lack of suitable role models or basic learning early on, but also temperament from genetics. The biggest thing that ground on me from the video, is that I don't need to be scolded into action. That's a good bit of learning. I need to stop poking myself about my lack of motivation, because it's actually counterproductive. Instead, I need to understand and be extremely honest about what does motivate and excite me. I literally need to sit down and work it all out, and build a coherent vision. If I don't do that, I will piss my life away and continue torturing myself.

When I hear about other people wanting to do things, like go travel, or quit their mind numbing job, or get out of their abusive relationship, or write a book or anything, I feel like grabbing hold of them and saying "stop thinking about it and just fucking go do it now not tomorrow".  I see so much potential in other people, and they're not using it to have a great life for themselves. But in reality I'm just shouting at myself. However, I don't actually know what to do. I have absolutely no idea which way to go. I just know that continuing to drift is not for me, I've had enough of it; it feels like I've held my breath underwater for too long and I'm gasping for air.

---

Part deux

I think I'm feeling off today because I have a sore throat coming on (for the first time in years). It's miserably grey and wet outside, and it's cold. I could switch on the heating, but working and living at home means that I would have the heating on 15 hours a day which is silly expensive - I have better things to spend my money on - a cup of tea and a fleece is cheaper.

What I need to do is go outside and get some vague form of daylight and body movement and that'll improve things. Then I actually need to engage with the work tasks that are hanging over me and stop them being a weight around my neck. I learned that exercise and being outside were important for improving mood when I was depressed, also seeing and being with people too - but not gloomy people! And also, having a project or something going on is helpful.

I just about have the wherewithal to recognise when I'm getting mopey, and not to slip too far down into it. But also just to indulge in the "my world is falling apart" narrative just once in a while and not fight it too much - it gets it out of my system.

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome To LifeWare

At LifeWare we believe that community is everything. Eliminating those old-fashioned distinctions between work and leisure you will always have your own PersonaSpace to use how you wish and when you want to. PersonaSpace is an integrated hub that takes care of your physical and informational presence. Do you ever feel tired or out of sorts? PersonaSpace gives you 24/7 access to trained AI specialists in therapy or medicine, or your very own private Poddy where you can sleep, relax or consume leisure any time.

LifeWare doesn't believe in fixed work hours or productivity quotas. Whenever you work you accrue LifeWare/Cents.  Want that next AI enhanced suit or the latest T-Garment, just tap into LifeWareStyle for that perfect look. All purchases are seamlessly integrated with your Cents account, no need for clunky security transactions with real-world banks. You have the whole of LifeNet at your disposal, you need never leave your Poddy if you don't want to. Watch films, buy cool stuff, and 3d-print-order a three course meal. 

LifeWare employees are encouraged to inter-communicate as much as possible. We provide facilities for both VR tournaments, or Poddy parties for example. UnrealLife has been voted the most realistic VR game of all time, we think you'll find it a blast. 

LifeWare believes that data is the key to living a good life. In return for your data we are able to provide you facilities unrivalled by any other company. Some of that data is used by our AI to provide services that will directly benefit you. You can always opt out of data collection for any length of time, but we ask that you make a minimum work donation each week to keep your Cents account in tip-top condition.

Friends or family are most welcome any time at LifeWare. Simply fill out a FamConsent request, which outlines how we gather visitor data. Of course any data gathered will accrue against your Cents account at the enhanced visitor rate. We think that is a win for our employees. As a LifeWare employee you are free to come and go as you wish and take any amount of time away from us. Your Cents account will automatically deduct for any periods of non-data at a fixed rate. If your Cents account falls below our LifeThreshold then we simply ask that you make a regular donation to ensure you keep your place with us. Failure to do so will involve disciplinary action or termination.

I'm sure you stay with LifeWare will be experience you will never forget. Welcome.

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From the worst of times springs hope. The winter was one of despair and darkness, and incredulity. It was my belief then that age should have bestowed wisdom upon me, but no, I was still in an age of foolishness. And yet now it seems the best of times and a season of light has shone from within; as I have moved from a city of devilry to one of saintliness. A tale indeed if I were to tell it.

Edited by LastThursday

Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now