Social Interaction

[universe]

You can build connection with people by talking about intimate topics. Here are two easy examples. "What has moved you recently?" and "What inspired you to do (something they do)?" Not difficult. The intention and vibe behind it is key. Also I found that having a strong connection to yourself helps. Then there is the topic of mastering emotions by feeling the loneliness in your body, not trying to control it. And being less judgemental about yourself/others.

All this aside for a second, there is no point in spending your energy and time on vampires. Find better friends. People who make you laugh and whos company you enjoy. Trust your intuition. If you need help finding friends there are plenty of tips on the internet and here on the forum. Find meetup groups on topics you are interested in or just talk up random people wherever you are.

What I also found is that private conversations (1v1) are better suited for deeper connection than being in larger groups.

[Oliver Saavedra]

@JessiChell

When we judge we usually see people as "less valuable" than us. 

We judge their ideas, beliefs, actions, work, body, clothes, voice, everything as less valuable and thus disgusting. 

In the same way we judge ourselves as less valuable than others, feeling disgust for ourselves. 

The thing is value isn't real, so we have all the same value. 

Your personal value doesn't depend on what you do, what you know, what you believe in, your money, your ideas, on nothing. Nor does nobody else. 

We're all worthy of Love, no exceptions.

This needs to be understood emotionally, for disgust and judgment of others is an emotional thing. 

[JessiChell]

@universe Yeah, If I knew where these amazing friends that make me laugh and that I really enjoy being around were, I'd be there. Lol

I have amazing friends. But they live in London. I just miss them a lot. 

[mandyjw]

10 hours ago, JessiChell said:

@mandyjw I guess I'm judging them as, "inadequate." Which is a pretty terrible judgement. 

But they aren't. I just dont share similar interests. Maybe I see my interests as "better." 

I'm not sure. They're great people, I just don't enjoy recreational drugs, drinking and people who are not passionate about anything. 

But I guess this is a judgment as well. I know this is all be cause of thinking too much. 

Meditation hasn't been going well lately. I've been caught up in daydreaming. So maybe thoughts are running my life right now. 

Well, I'd just notice the desire to find people who are interested in what you are and keep an eye out for opportunities to do so. In the meantime hang out with them and try to appreciate them or just forgive yourself for choosing not to and enjoy your alone time. No problem either way. I'd probably opt to stay to myself in that situation, honestly. 

[JessiChell]

@mandyjw Yeah, I like them. I will work to not feel drained around them. 

And put less judgment on them. Just enjoy who they are, instead of wanting certain things from them. 

Thank you

[Byun Sean]

yeah social interaction causes movement of the mind which disconnects us from being. Its totally natural to feel a little lonely after socializing in my experience. 

Loneliness is a measure of how much one is disconnected from being. the reason some of us feel better in company is it forces us to be and bring our awareness outward.

You can feel extremely lonely in a crowd of people and the enlightened yogi living in the mountains no longer comprehends the notion of loneliness.

[JessiChell]

@Byun Sean when I was with them I was present. I wasnt in my head most of the time. 

When you say brings you away from "being." What do you mean? 

If I tried very hard to be present, isnt that being? 

[kireet]

On 6/7/2020 at 6:01 PM, JessiChell said:

Is it normal to feel lonely after socializing? 

yes..

[Waken]

On 7-6-2020 at 9:54 PM, JessiChell said:

@Oliver Saavedra I watched Leo's video about judgments and I see that is what I'm doing. I'm struggling to break this. I didn't do the exercise Leo asked us to do. 

I'm just in a funk. I'm doing the physical stuff to make myself feel better, eating healthy, being productive etc. It's like I'm avoiding inner work. But I'm doing my isolation retreat Wednesday so I'll be forced to confront myself then.

Could it be you're trying too hard? Trying to do the things you THINK you need to do. Instead, what if you'd tune in to what you actually feel like doing at the moment, or what attracts you? Be more loving towards yourself, struggle less. Maybe if you would feel out what you would actually feel like doing atm, perhaps you would find that you want to relax and play your favorite song, perhaps afterwards you just want to sit quietly for a while, or whatever. Find practices or things you actually feel you want to do, that you feel are good for you. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Waken

[Epikur]

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

@Byun Sean when I was with them I was present. I wasnt in my head most of the time. 

When you say brings you away from "being." What do you mean? 

If I tried very hard to be present, isnt that being? 

It reminds me of the translation of the word "talk" in german. The german word is "unterhaltung" that has a second meaning that is "entertainment"

Social interaction seems to be 90% entertainment. That is probably why people love to be drugged when they meet other people. Ecstasy seems to be the most effektiv ones. 

Intellectual conversations are tricky. I guess that is a "luxury" I would not expect that. For that the internet is quite good. 

Also we look for validation from others that is mostly draining because it is mostly an illusion like the fashion industry it distracts from a sustainable emotional support system that is the one you have to create yourself. 

On the other hand when one goes to the path of self exploration it does make less and less sense to invest in socializing. So some sacrifices have to be taken into account I guess.

A philospher would say: know yourself, then you can know where to go.

I like Epikur he had this philosophy: Live hidden. Don't do politics. Live frugal. Have a garden with friends. I guess one should not have too high expectations for the friends otherwise things get to difficult. 

And be intellectually curious. I guess it is to chanel the general boredom into a good direction. We have the need to explore but that could bring us into trouble. Intellectual curiosity is an easy way to do it safely.

Think about Leo for example he has a "digital garden" here where he "hangs out" with his "friends"

I am a big fan of karaoke and self communication training like loud and silent selftalk, reading etc. It helps to connect with others and with oneself. Mostly the need to talk to others comes because one feels the need to express oneself that can be done to a great part alone with right training.











 

[JessiChell]

59 minutes ago, Epikur said:

I like Epikur he had this philosophy: Live hidden. Don't do politics. Live frugal. Have a garden with friends. I guess one should not have too high expectations for the friends otherwise things get to difficult. 

I have a garden of friends online. People who I have genuine connections with. Some past lovers, some friends who live far away and a deep connection with my girlfriend who is essentially my soulmate. I have people I can call at any time of day for emotional support. Which is great. 

I just felt like, if I want to potentially date in the future, I would need to have a strong social network to increase my options in the area. That's what this is. I seek nothing from them in terms of needing anything. A lot of my relationships have been long-distance. I don't want that anymore. When I'm in relationships I feel what Leo refers to as, "lack of abundance in sexual options."

This is only to obtain more sexual options in my area. But I do feel incredibly drained after these experiences. 

I prefer my own company over most people. I just think I'm a little too isolated at the moment. 

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with it. 

[bejapuskas]

On 8. 6. 2020 at 4:22 AM, JessiChell said:

Leo says we should find girlfriends and go out with them. And they are who I have access to right now. 

It's to get out of the house and meet people. But its draining because its shallow. But how will I find deep relationships if I dont go out? 

What you feel is more trustworthy than what Leo says. Don't trust him on something you just aren't experiencing, maybe he is wrong. Why should you go out with them in the first place? Do you have a reason that is aligned with your desire or life purpose? You know, maybe he is saying that because he wants to find more pretty girls in the clubs when he goes there  

Try going to some higher consciousness events, maybe you can try going to some speeches at universities on intellectual topics you like, you can go to a group meditation, vegan picnic, fridays for future protest... And chat up people there. If you choose a specific event that you like, the probability of finding like minded people is much higher. 

Also try going out with one person at a time instead of going in a group. That way, there will be more time for you to say what you need to say (50 % instead of let's say 33, 25, or 12,5 if you are in a bgger group) and if you feel comfortable talking about personal stuff with that person, you won't have to care about the other people also hearing that information. You can also focus on listening more when there aren't as many people.

[Member]

21 hours ago, JessiChell said:

@mandyjw Yeah, I like them. I will work to not feel drained around them.

I have some experiences with this type of people and they will drain you more. But it depends on the situation. Sometimes they could be misunderstood as being shallow and might be in fact good people. However if you feel this way again and again, then I would recommend you to search for another group, or better stay alone for a while. Usually these kind of relationships are toxic because they don't really accept you and if you feel different inside, then small talk is not for you.

Edited June 9, 2020 by Member

[JessiChell]

@bejapuskas I don't think Leo goes to clubs. But yes lol

When everything opens back up I have a lot of stuff I can do. I have activism events, vegan potlucks and yoga studios I frequent. But everything is closed at the moment 

When my yoga studio is open, I plan on spending the majority of my free time there. But the goal was to meet more potential sexual options for the future when I decide I want to date again. There aren't many men in the yoga studio that I would deem "date-able." And I know most of the vegan men in the community here through activism. Soooooo, options are scarce...lol

[JessiChell]

@Member Agreed

[bejapuskas]

@JessiChell I think Leo is just a man after all... x) He probably can't help himself.

Yes, now it is kind of weird, I don't know where you are from, but this will definitely pass, just as anything. Are you comfortable being alone? In my experience, being alone is more enjoyable most of the time than spending time with the wrong people, just like  @Member  is saying.

I don't know about your attitude towards men or whether you have tried to interact with these men at all, but if you have, maybe try more yoga studios, more events, I mean, if there is nobody date-able among the people you already know, there probably is someone like that somewhere else, I don't believe in someone being doomed like that you know... Is there scarce of these events too?

[JessiChell]

@bejapuskas

I won't speculate on Leo, I'm sure there's a lot we don't know. 

Comfortable being alone is a loaded question. Am I comfortable on my own? Live alone, enjoy my own company, go places alone, take myself out to eat, am I comfortable with going into the woods alone for long periods of time by myself? Yes. I'm comfortable with all of that. I've done a lot of travelling alone and have lived alone since I was 17. 

However, do I miss/enjoy having a partner sometimes. I enjoy going to events, out to eat, forming (what i believe to be) close connections with a partner. I miss sex, physical touch and caring for someone. Can I be comfortable alone? Am I at peace alone? Yes. But there's still a desire to have a partner and healthy connection with someone.

When I'm in a relationship I struggle to let go of it if I'm being mistreated or if my standards are not being met because I believe I don't have abundance. I need more self-love of course which is the root of all problems, but I'm working on that.

It's not so black and white for me. For instance, some people on this site may say that having this desire to even want a partner would be my inability to be alone speaking. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by JessiChell

[bejapuskas]

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

I won't speculate on Leo, I'm sure there's a lot we don't know. 

I was half joking but yeh you are right.

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

Comfortable being alone is a loaded question. Am I comfortable on my own? Live alone, enjoy my own company, go places alone, take myself out to eat, am I comfortable with going into the woods alone for long periods of time by myself? Yes. I'm comfortable with all of that. I've done a lot of travelling alone and have lived alone since I was 17. 

However, do I miss/enjoy having a partner sometimes. I enjoy going to events, out to eat, forming (what i believe to be) close connections with a partner. I miss sex, physical touch and caring for someone. Can I be comfortable alone? Am I at peace alone? Yes. But there's still a desire to have a partner and healthy connection with someone.

When I'm in a relationship I struggle to let go of it if I'm being mistreated or if my standards are not being met because I believe I don't have abundance. I need more self-love of course which is the root of all problems, but I'm working on that.

It's not so black and white for me. For instance, some people on this site may say that having this desire to even want a partner would be my inability to be alone speaking. 

Do you meditate regularly? What about yourself are you not loving?

[universe]

7 hours ago, JessiChell said:

I just felt like, if I want to potentially date in the future, I would need to have a strong social network to increase my options in the area. That's what this is. I seek nothing from them in terms of needing anything.

While it could be helpful, you really dont need a strong social network for dating. The yoga class seem like a good idea and also there is online dating which we all know works... sometimes.

[Epikur]

57 minutes ago, universe said:

While it could be helpful, you really dont need a strong social network for dating. The yoga class seem like a good idea and also there is online dating which we all know works... sometimes.

The question would be with what kind of people one wants to have intimacy. If a women wants adrenaline and adventure she might prefere a bad boy. Or at least some risk taker. They can be found at night clubs or risky sports. 

If one can handle calm, nerdy, feminine guys then yoga, book clubs would make sense.

In general dancing seems to be kind of a compromise to get together. Karaoke is also not bad though it is more an asian thing mostly. 

Women normally like succesful guys for that there are some meetups like internations I guess. 

I guess the tricky thing is we want always more than is reasonable and we come into the hedonistic treadmill.  That is why I think I like to be as selfsufficient as possible. 

The quote for this: 

Things that depends on others is mostly bad things depending on oneself is mostly good. 

This way one keeps things realistic and does not lose oneself in illusion in lalaland.

Internetdating seems  to lack fantasy. What I mean is for example modern movies have so much special effects so that the important part that is the story get's killed. The fantasy needs space to unfold. Internetdating may feel too transactional, or superficial like ordering something at amazon.

Bottom line one has to lower ones expectations otherwise things get frustrating very fast.