Finding Clarity In Relationships

[King Merk]

I've recently noticed that all my current relationships in life are relationships I've simply "fallen into". I haven't specifically chosen my friends, family or lovers. They're all people I grew close to due to physical proximity or some sort of similar hobbies/shared interest. 

I'm not satisfied with my current relationships. I have people around me I love and care for but many of the relationships aren't as deep as I'd like. I want people around me that I can connect to on an even deeper more authentic level. 

My problem now is I'm struggling to find clarity in what it is I even want out of these relationships in life.

I know how important having a direction/goal in life is and I'm feeling lost in regards to what I want out of both my intimate partners and my friends. How does one find clarity in this? Do y'all have any resources that have helped you build genuine relationships? Whats your story with this domain of life? Any feedback is welcomed. Thanks. 

Edited June 4, 2020 by King Merk

[Roy]

How intimately do you know you? Everything else becomes more clear as you deepen your understanding of yourself.

[King Merk]

@Roy I feel like I know myself quite well when it comes to my values and my mission in life.

I’ve got my life put together really well in all areas except for relationships really.

And even my relationships aren’t necessarily “bad” They’re just not where I want them. But then again I don’t even know where I want them. That’s what I’m struggling with. 

[flume]

Ok, a few things come to mind.

• Before you do anything take a breath and maybe watch this video. Genuine not-knowing puts you in a great position

 

• I don’t know if you have taken Leo’s LP course but if you do, flip through your notes and pretend like it’s a course on relationships. Some of the concepts are actually very applicable for relationships. Especially the exercises on values assessment could be really valuable for you right now. Just take some time to sit down and think about what has felt really good in your past… It’s all there, you just need to look. Recognise what it feels like when you can open up to someone, when you do have that bond. What exactly is it? That’s part of your values assessment. 
  
  If you’ve got some material, start to vision, think, journal, contemplate, affirm, adjust and try out stuff.
   
• Or maybe you just don’t have a ton of experience yet. I think it goes back to what Roy said. The reason why you’re not struggling in other domeins of life is because you have a powerful vision, so you know what to do. How did you get that vision? By getting to know your authentic desires. That took some deep digging and life experience. I don’t think it’s much different when it comes to relationships.
   
• Try to be open in the process (that’s why I’ve posted this video of Leo). So you can build something from scratch that feels good and authentic to you. Don’t copy others. Don’t limit yourself by what already exists or by what most people are doing.
   
• I don’t know if you’ve tried MDMA but it’s very effective for working through unclarity in relationships. Can be useful for deepening them also.
   
• Read books and watch videos. Teal Swan has some good material on family dynamics and relationships. Ken Wilber too, even though I’m not too familiar with his work. Leo has some books on his booklist about relationships… I think those could be a good starting point.
   
• Therapy! 
  
• Lastly, don’t get too worked up for not having a ton of super deep relationships in your life. They’re gonna be the exception but then again, you also don’t need many of them to be fulfilled. It’s just not the norm nowadays and other people’s openness is not in your hands. It doesn’t just depend on you.

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they've met themselves. This is the heart of clarity.”

― Matt Kahn

Keep nudging around and you’ll find your way out of the weeds.
All the best my friend!

[King Merk]

@flume your feedback has helped in more ways than you could know.

Thank you Flume