Who the fuck am I??

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

I feel like I am a trillion different pieces, each with their own goals, desires and fears. Everyday I want to do something else, everyday I have different goals and aspirations I really don't know who I am. This has been going on for at least 3 years. This is when I started asking myself the question of "who am I?".

I just can't tell. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like I am full of energy and I want to work on myself all day, sometimes I wake up completely depressed out of my mind and I don't even want to mediate anymore. Sometimes I wake up and I just feel restless and sometimes I wake up and I just want to lay in bad all day and do nothing but stare at the ceiling. I feel like I am literally a different person everyday I wake up and I don't know in which direction to go.

All of these different parts pull me into a million different directions and I feel like I am going insane. Then of course there is the whole talk about "You don't exist!! YOU are just the EGO, wake up from the illusion!". That adds on top of the confusion.

I don't even know who am I looking at whenever I look in the mirror. I just see face that doesn't mean anything to me. It's like I am looking at a stranger. I feel so confused and I honestly don't know what to do with my life. I doubt everything I do. I never know if it is truly what I want to do or if it's just another trick I am playing on myself. Sometimes I am sure that I want to be doing something, but then the next day I want to do the complete opposite.

The words "me", "I", "ego" just describe this mess that is happening within this body. There is no specific me, everything is me, but none of it is me at the same time. It's just so chaotic and I can't see through it. It's like a very dense fog where every water molecule is another me.

Kind of sucks to be honest. I just want clarity but everything is so foggy and I can't see shit. I don't even know who the "I" writing this right now is, these fingers just type on their own. I am speechless yet words come out. Who the hell is "I"?

My sense of "I", aka. the ego, seems to be sitting right at the heart. It's kind of funny because most people say it's behind their eyes, but for me it's right at the heart. But who is the one thinking about the heart? Who is thinking about the thoughts about the heart? Who is the one thinking? Who the hell am I, I can't tell, which is kind of funny because every sentence includes the word "I". But the word "I" is completely meaningless. It just refers to "me" the one writing this. The one who's words you are reading, but I don't even know who that is.

I think it is my confusion talking. That is the "I" that is writing this right now. It is the confusion.

All of what I have written right now feels wrong, yet it feels right at the same time. It feels like it doesn't make any sense, yet it makes all the sense in the world.

Any advise would be appreciated.

[Mindfang413]

Its pretty normal to be super motivated one day, and then super depressed the next. Though it probably feels horrible to be in the depressed state. Its normal to have a million things you want but only want one one day and another another day. People switch between things all the time. Im sure its very frustrating to start a project and then not finish it later cause the next day or so, the interest in it is gone. Ive been there. Are there any interests you have that stick? Or that you go back to after a period of not being interested?

When you said you look in the mirror and dont recognize yourself, that could be dissociation, as ive dealt with that myself. Its very scary.

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@Mindfang413 Thanks for your answer! The only thing I really stick to is music. There is times where I feel really demotivated for like 1 - 2 months in a row, but I never stop making music no matter how unmotivated I feel, because I love it so much! Other than that interest come and fly. Sometimes I want to meditate for hours on end. Then there is weeks where I don't want to meditate. Sometimes I want to be super productive and get things done. Sometimes I want to do the opposite and just play video games and watch videos on YouTube. This week has been such a week. I meditated not a single time. I just sat around and did nothing quiet literally. I feel refreshed now and I feel motivated to get back to my meditation habit, but this is super weird. I really don't know where this conflict of wanting to be productive vs wanting to be unproductive comes from. Do you have any tips on dealing with that inner conflict? What is the best thing to do in these situations? Sometimes I sit down and I write down a conversation between both sides (depressed vs. happy side for example). I try to find a common ground but this just soothes me a little bit.

What did you do about the dissociation? I get this feeling from time to time and sometimes it feels beautiful. But sometimes it feels pretty bad. Like for example when I am depressed. I just lay there and I don't know what to do with my life and where to go. There is so many parts that want to do all kinds of different things and I don't know which part to believe and which not. I then try to look into the mirror to remind me of who I am, but it doesn't feel like I am looking at myself. It feels like I am looking at some guy I am barely acquainted with. A guy I barely know. I tried to do emotional work in order to find out what I truly long for, but all the emotional work I did just confused me more and more. I tried meeting the different parts of myself within my dreams and it worked, but it confused me so much because there were so many parts I was completly unaware of. That made me question: What else am I unaware of? This question honestly scares me, mostly because I know what the answer is: A LOT!

[Chakra Lion]

On 5/23/2020 at 1:18 PM, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

All of what I have written right now feels wrong, yet it feels right at the same time. It feels like it doesn't make any sense, yet it makes all the sense in the world.

That used to be my theme too, doubting, discontent about who and what I am. So much darkness that surrounded me, negativity and limitations. But at the same time I also saw the beauty of reality, the loving light of peace and bliss, the connection was there.  And what happened was a transition between the dark childhood I used to dwell in, and the amazing life I was working to create. But with awareness and energy you can change your default settings. There is balance to be found. But it doesn't mean that you have to let go of darkness, or force content. For the last few years I have found my self on the edge of breaking down and being so thankful for my life. Life is a very dramatic experience if you take it from a first person perspective. But if you can also pull away and realize more than what is, you understand that it is not as personal as it may feel. But yet feeling like the center is enjoyable. Surrender your Identification. Let the emotions and thoughts flow, don't let them control. There is beauty when you reflect and dislike what you see. Just allow life to let you be, whatever it is you should be. 

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@Chakra Lion Thanks! I can relate to what you are saying so much! It's actually quiet funny. This road is very difficult and painful, yet I see the beauty of all of this hardship and suffering. Sometimes I just sit there and feel stupid because I know that all my pain is beautiful in it's own right, yet I suffer. It feels so contradictory, but I guess that is how life is, isn't it? Sometimes I feels so uncertain about everything, while also seeing a certain clarity within this uncertainty. It just confuses me so much. I don't know what to do with any of it. Life is hell of a ride man...

[Gili Trawangan]

What you're saying is relatable. Of course, ultimately there is no you, what you experience everyday is energy. The ego, the you, is movement, not an entity.

Having said that, there is a useful perspective, the one of fragmentation. You should check out Teal Swan's channel, she talks about this a lot, about how to integrate the different aspects of yourself. The integration process is also sometimes called Parts Work. It's basically becoming aware of those different parts and consciously integrating them so that they don't wreak havoc in your mind and life.

Don't think you're alone in this, everyone has multiple personalities.

[IJB063]

@DefinitelyNotARobot

Well we definitely know youre not a robot so where do we go from there

Who the fuck are you?

I think you are you

You are the face and body you see in the mirror, and you’re whatever the label it is that you attach to that

Don't obsess over this

29 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

ultimately there is no you, what you experience everyday is energy. The ego, the you, is movement, not an entity.

Relax a bit

The experience of no self is something that should be slowly and gradually integrated, if that’s what you desire to be, you know, if you want to be some Buddhist esk monk

29 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

The integration process is also sometimes called Parts Work.

If not, relax and pull back a bit, there’s no rush and there’s no where that you need to be, and no one that you need to be 

If you don’t like something about yourself or anything else just change it

You are whatever you are

Edited May 25, 2020 by IJB063

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

7 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Having said that, there is a useful perspective, the one of fragmentation. You should check out Teal Swan's channel, she talks about this a lot, about how to integrate the different aspects of yourself. The integration process is also sometimes called Parts Work. It's basically becoming aware of those different parts and consciously integrating them so that they don't wreak havoc in your mind and life.

I watched one or two videos of her on that topic. It helped me find a way to deal with these different aspects. I tried integrating them through writing and it worked a little bit. Then I tried doing it through lucid dreaming. That's when I truly noticed how many different moving parts there are to the thing I call "myself".

There were literal towns filled with different aspects of myself. I would walk through the streets and talk all kinds of different personas. All of them had different things to say. Different views, different believes. It was actually quiet shocking. Some of them existed so deep down in my unconscious that I wasn't even aware of their very existence. Fear I didn't know existed, pain that I thought was long gone. It was interesting but it also fucked me up real good. It shattered my views of who "I" am.

7 hours ago, IJB063 said:

The experience of no self is something that should be slowly and gradually integrated, if that’s what you desire to be, you know, if you want to be some Buddhist esk monk

Yeah I had to realize this myself. I had a few insights into the state of no-self, but I realized that I should be working on the ego first. Releasing a little resistance and so on. I am currently working on stitching all the different parts of the ego back together, but this is what caused all of this chaos. I feel like this was easier said than done. It just overwhelmed the shit out of me! 

7 hours ago, IJB063 said:

If you don’t like something about yourself or anything else just change it

But I feel like this was one of the problems though. Not accepting who I was and trying to change it. I guess you have to accept it before you should try and change it? This caused a lot of inner conflict.

[kagaria]

there are no answers

[Waken]

On 28-5-2020 at 9:52 AM, kagaria said:

there are no answers

That sounds helpful

[kagaria]

@Waken it's because the answer is beyond the scope of conceptual reality. You have to turn off your mind completely to discover what's real.

Edited May 29, 2020 by kagaria