9 pillars to consider when dealing with those who are into conscious work

[Galyna]

I have been on this forum for four years. I met a lot of interesting people and I’ve really grown. I feel very lucky to be here and I am very grateful for all my little friendships and people who coached me. However, there is one peculiarity that I have noticed, and I want to share it with newbies. People can take psychedelics, meditate, go on retreats, read books, and the most important thing!!! act like they really know what they are talking about, but most of them do not! They still lack some qualities that need to be developed to really self-actualize, to be that human being, that loving caring person. So, go ahead and read below, and if you are truly honest with yourself and screen your core for these qualities, eventually, you’ll find out that there is a long walk before you are done. Pinnacle is still far away. Like Emerald is saying: “your brunches can be very developed, but if your roots are not, then you have to take care of them first.” We can talk about the fabric of the Consciousness on and on, but if your roots are undeveloped, you have anxiety/fear/confusion, how can you share an “expert opinion” what Truth is? 

We think to self-actualize we have to mediate and take psychedelics, seat in solitude (correct!) but... by interacting with other people you will grow faster, because it is a good school to see what you need to work on.

Here is a little guide you can screen yourself, your partner, your guru (or any friend) and see how much you/they still need to work on to become that person Leo is talking about in his videos. It is all about relations here, mostly for the intimate one, but can be applied in other spheres:

Motives 

Being open about them.It's always good to start with motives. Because they fundamentally define the kind of relationship dynamics that you will have. And not all motives are obvious or conscious. Motives come in many guises… loneliness, or a sense of lack in one's life, or troubles and dysfunctions in one's life. Needs for attention, validation, understanding, companionship etc. Sexual motives are often present. Not necessarily in the sense of seeking sex, but more subtly in the way that forming relationships with the opposite sex represents potential. And although many would deny this motive, it is often present. It is human nature to desire intimacy. So, to seek opportunities and potential for intimacy is a subtle drive within all of us. What I call the 'pursuit of sexual potential'. Note that this does not necessarily imply intent.

Consistency and integrity

...which lead to trust. The degree to which someone is consistent and has integrity directly relates to the depth of the connection.

Consistency pertains to how much someone honors their own word, but also how much they deviate from one moment to the next in their words, motives or intents. What I mean by this is: does someone say what they mean and follow through on it (this is integrity). And, does someone behave in the same, predictable, way or do they change their mind, their ideas, their motives, etc. (this is consistency). The more integrity someone has and the more consistent they are, the easier you can learn about them, predict them, understand them and ultimately trust them.

Openness and honesty

...both with yourself and with others. This is leads to depth and connection.This is another big one. Again, directly represents the depth of connection.Someone can only be as honest with you as they are to themselves. The more open you are with one another, the closer you can be and the more truth that can be built. Just open conversation and expression.

Investment

How much time do you invest in relationships (friendships/romantic)? And how much time do people engage with you?There is a difference. Just because someone gives you their attention doesn't mean that they engage with what you say or do.

Balance

Are your relationships balanced? Are you both equally invested in the same way? Or is there a clear imbalance in the participation of both people?

Psychological mirroring

Perhaps the most important one. This basically means: how well do both people in the relationship reflect one another? How much do they share the same worldview? The more similar your experiences of life, the more you will understand one another and see yourself reflected in the other. This is what we all seek but we don't realize it. Our counterpart, that person that psychologically reflects our own sense of life. Hence, mirroring, because you first must realize that everyone experiences life in their own unique way. We might all be human, but we don't all live in the same reality (as reality is subjective). So, the closer someone is to seeing life like you do, the closer and deeper will be your connection.

Fear of hurt

Hurt and leaving. No one hurts you, but they can expose your existing insecurities and fears and take away things that you want from them. However, no one is obliged to invest in you. They do so because it serves them in some way. If or when it doesn't, then they have every right to withdraw. They should, however, be considerate and respectful about it though.In reality, it is your own agenda and motives that are the source of any hurt. It is what you expect and want from them that they fail to deliver that hurts you. It comes from you, not from them.Yes, people can hurt you through deliberate intent. But that is rarely the case.My point here is that being wary of 'being hurt' by potential relationships becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The very fact that you have 'fears' highlights the potential and likelihood that you will in fact 'be hurt'. Because you have needs that you haven't addressed yourself and are expecting someone else to provide. These needs, insecurities, fears will fester under the surface of any relationship, and they also contribute to your motives. And hence will manifest in the dynamics and kind of relationship that you build with the other person.But like I said, people don't 'owe' you anything. They don't exist for your express purpose. They exist for their own sake, just as you do. Any relationship based on the 'utility' of another person to your own life will end in hurt and will also never be a deep and meaningful one. A truly deep connection comes from you not wanting or needing anything in particular from the other person, in fact just appreciating them and being inspired by them. Mutual growth. The mutual nurturing of one another and helping each other to grow for their own benefit.

Permanence is an unreasonable expectation.

Everyone wants permanence and reliability. But are people obliged to provide it. Is it realistic? Are you entitled to it?

This is a big one too. The expectation of permanence. The indignation when a relationship ends as though it 'should not'. This is the faulty belief. The reality is that relationships are transient. They don't last. They can, potentially. But they don't have to, and the most likely won't. If you expect them to then you are never truly appreciating them. The real way to have a meaningful relationship is to appreciate it in the moment, while it exists. If and when it ends, that doesn't change the depth or meaning that was there while it existed. But many people don't see this.

Relationships, grow, change and dissipate. It's the natural order of things. But this is a concept that most of humanity fails to recognize. Once it is recognized, though, it is liberating. And you will truly appreciate not only relationships, but everything in life, in the moment. And you will deal with 'loss' so much more easily.

Meaning of deep connection.

This is subjective. 

Genuine motives, good consistency and integrity, deep and honesty and openness, equal and deep mutual investment, equal balance, psychological mirroring and finally... dealing with your own issues and fears such that you don't take your baggage in to the relationship and sabotage it with anxiety of potential 'hurt' that you impose upon the other person.

We all assume that things in life, especially relationships, will be forever. As though that is the expected case. The same is true of everything that we pursue in life. But that is the first mistake we make and the one that leads to a lack of appreciation and an ultimate disappointment and hurt.

Most people probably don't fit all the categories I've listed. But I have found people that come close. And one way to find them is by exhibiting the qualities yourself.

It's hard. You just have to experiment. Meet people, try it and see. But also learn to read people, to recognize the signs of each of the things I've talked about. But one thing I have found is that by being open and honest, for example, others will open up and be honest with you. So, if you practice the meaningful qualities, people might mirror them. Because ultimately, it's what we're all looking for, deep down. The hardest thing to find is our psychological mirror.

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by Galyna