Psychonaut

Self torture is fun

7 posts in this topic

There is joy being felt by the simple act of self torture. It goes so deep and becomes so twisted it is mind boggling. There is no reason to it, other than the simple very fact of existing. Just existence opens the door to self torture. It is not possible to psychologically self torture oneself to death. However, one can come close to it. Psychological self mutilation is so easy it is almost impossible to not do it to some degree. Self hatred fuels it and revels in it. There is always some part that is not happy and starts to take the brief flashes of happiness apart. Mostly it will be done unconsciously, but the self hatred can be so deep that it can be done consciously. By knowing the object of hatred very well the person can be attacked at its core.  Especially knowing its values and external parts that are deeply embedded into the person makes it possible to break the person at its heart. Often it is enough to reverse parts into their polar opposite. Turn love into hatred. Turn beauty into ugliness. Turn motivation and excitement into defeat. Set goals that cannot be achieved. The list goes on for ever. The best part is that the self hatred is ultimate and no external person or event can ever make it stop. Only the person can stop it and it will never do it because it is an addiction and is so much fun. It feels as if it is powerful by not being able to be loved. It will deny love and interpret it as hatred until its death. It is even similar to a person that has decided to commit suicide, just to make others watch defeated as the person will try until it succeeds. It will try to reach out for help, even though it doesn't want to be helped. It will feel powerful, just because no one can stop a person from self harming psychologically. It is its own decision and it is a sickening abomination of power. Self hatred will never die because it answered the first question of "Do you want to live" with "I want to suffer and make others feel what I feel". I am evil. This is my manifesto.


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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Posted (edited)

There exists an entire catalog of these writings: This one is dedicated to the girlfriend: (1 Oct 2019)

 

You knew it and I knew it

It was coming at some point

The point were it breaks down

Where the fantasy is revealed as an illusion

 

Everything I ever said was just to make you like me

Deep down I do not care about you at all

In fact I hate you and what you are

I hate the very fact that you even exist

 

It drives me insane and all I want is to hurt you

I want to betray you and make you feel what I feel

I want you to feel what I feel for you

Deep disgust and repulsion at the mere existence of you

 

I made you fall in love with me by manipulating you

I never was turned on by you, have you ever noticed?

I wait until you are begging me to fuck you

I wait until I am turned on by you wanting me so much that you are dripping wet

 

You knew it and I knew it

It was coming at some point

The point were it breaks down

Where the fantasy is revealed as an illusion

 

Everything I ever said was just to make you like me

Deep down I do not care about you at all

In fact I hate you and what you are

I hate the very fact that you even exist

 

It drives me insane and all I want is to hurt you

I want to betray you and make you feel what I feel

I want you to feel what I feel for you

Deep disgust and repulsion at the mere existence of you

 

I made you fall in love with me by manipulating you

I never was turned on by you, have you ever noticed?

I wait until you are begging me to fuck you

I wait until I am turned on by you wanting me so much that you are dripping wet

 

I am turned on by the fact that you want me to fuck you

I do not want you - ever, in fact I'd be happier without you

I just keep you around because the longer you around me the more I can hurt you

The more you care about me the more I can use myself to hurt you

 

I enjoy seeing you suffer and I enjoy making myself suffer

I even enjoy watching you suffer by making you suffer through me

I live for the suffering I can inflict on you

You care about me, but I don’t care about myself

 

In fact I enjoy stabbing myself and hurting myself consciously

It is so easy and funny how I fall for it over and over

For how I can make myself believe something and create hell

I know exactly what thoughts to plant to cause the most suffering

 

I know exactly what to make real and what to make unreal

I create suffering by changing your world

It is so funny how stupid you are and how weak

I love seeing you break because you asked me to infest you and kill you slowly

Edited by Psychonaut

TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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It never ends, the journal is being searched through and more writings are found. (4. Feb 2020)

 

You let me inside of you. No, in fact you begged me to be inside of you. You wanted me to destroy you. You wanted to bring evil forth through you. You wanted me to do it for you. You didn't want to feel responsible. You wanted to be able to say that someone else did it. But it was you. You are the evil one, you want to be evil. You are afraid though. You don't want to be the evil one. But you are powerless and weak. What makes you think you are powerful is your last attempt at having any say here. But It is you, you have created this because you wanted to experience it. You wanted to experience hurting yourself. You wanted to twist your own world. You wanted to feel the pain because you like it. You like the suffering, it gives you comfort. You take recluse in the pain. The pain we all share and you plunge into it. You are addicted to it. You want to feel it. You will do anything to feel it. You will warp your world and flip it upside down. You will turn love into hate. You will turn certainty into uncertainty. You will turn voluntary choices into traps. You will turn freedom into prison. You will trap yourself in your own mind.

You are sick and you know it. You can create anything in your mind and you can believe anything. You can see what you want to see and feel it. The rush excites you. It excites you to go further and further into whatever extreme you want to go. You see what you desire to see. If you desire to see getting caught by the police and killing them. That is what you want to see. If you want to feel the pain of someone visiting you in prison, but never being able to reach you, you will feel that. If you want to feel their reaction when I take over and nothing is left of you, you will feel it. When I take over nothing will be left of you.


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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Yea.... sound fun!?! :|


Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

- Edgar Allen Poe 

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On 24/05/2020 at 3:33 AM, Carl-Richard said:

Are you OK?

I doubt it.


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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Here is another one from today:

When I am alone I am left with my mind. It operates without any constraints, any afterthoughts, morals and cultural imprint. It is left completely unchecked and uncontrolled. It goes in all directions and mostly it goes down. It digs deep trenches for me to fall into.

It takes every high and lets me crash down just as high as I have gone up. Just deeper down, so much deeper. I am afraid of happiness, because I will be punished by equal and worse darkness. I am afraid of meeting people to come home to a never ending torture.

Where am I between the poles of ecstasy and self inflicted horror. I am trying to loose myself in my split world of blinding sun and all consuming darkness. Just I am still there. Even while walking the razors edge of insanity I am not split in half. I am dancing on my grave as one big black and white Oreo. A glued together contrast of black and white.

Worst of all I believe my mind and the voices that tell me they want to destroy me. I know exactly what they want and I let them do it through me.


TOBE's:

  1. Be happy
  2. Be a unicorn

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