Fits of Mania after I regretted making a decision I thought hurt me in the long term

[Milos Uzelac]

I had this manic fit (I would describe it as such from what I experienced laughing, spasming my body parts, etc.) just now when I regretted spending some time and writing something on this forum, which I deemed as a distraction tonight and procrastination on concentrating on writing a short essay and later a longer analysis work which deadlines in 10 days. If I don't finish I can't take the exam for that subject.

However, this has been a recurring problem and these manic fits would occur usually after I would feel depressed and had negative thought patterns about the future during the day or when I regretted masturbating to pornography and numbing my brain of anxious thoughts when I had study commitments or study work for test or exams and judged myself for it. They would usually come about at night time when I don't feel tired to sleep right away and would be triggered when thinking about the unproductivity and my inefficiency in studying speed during the day for a certain deadline or exam and uncertainty about the future of struggling and dragging with education and prospects for a career in teaching which is my current (personally assessed)realistic vision for myself in the future, given what I partially committed myself in specializing for the future.

I meditated for 20 minutes just now and the self-hatred imaginations in my head of harming my body were the recurring thought patterns and they were pretty hard to let go.

I should have noted, before writing that I have been taking anti-depressants dosages on and off since I spent a part of my adolescent years (from when I was 19 to 21 years old) visiting a mental health institution on and off (the devilry was I procrastinated on student work back when I was 19 and in order to stay a state-financed student I choose to sort of fake of how badly depressed I really was in order to get the psychiatrist assessment which I used as a medical justification to retain my privilege as a student financed by the state in the next two semesters). This in turn since I haven't by then fixed my procrastination, distraction, pornography addictions by then and during that next year led to me getting in an on and off states of depression and these manic fits afterward, which in turn led me to go have appointments with that psychiatrists over the course of one and half year (primarily coerced by my family because of my isolate and anti-social behavior) and was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiolytic (Xanax by Pfizer) which I didn't take consistently out fear of not getting addicted to them, mess up my brain chemistry too much and to try to overcome these problems solely by meditation, incorporating some physical activities as a daily exercise and overcoming by developing a disciplined and consistent study pattern and achieving results by passing exams with an acceptable grade for me in the middle.

So this have been on and off patterns of behavior and thoughts that lead to this manic fits, usually characterized by

1. having the need to do quick contortions of the body (usually the neck and back) due to feeling physiologically and mentally uncomfortable with my current activity or state of being

2. sort of a neurotic unintentional shadow-boxing with my arms and contortions with my legs when also feeling uncomfortable

3. having the need to shake my entire body like I am having an epileptic attack when I have negative thought patterns (usually of harming the body) to relieve the discomfort and psychological pain

4. Grining to myself in the mirror, to contort my face muscles and my neck muscles when I feel bad about myself or bad about  what I have done, to ease off and distract myself from negative thought patterns

5. Walking in circles to ease my anxiety when I have an anxious thought pattern about the future

6. Gripping and positioning fingers on my hand in a sort of a puppeteer or possessive like shape, like I am having a mini-spasm in them.

I am kind uninspired right now and can't remember whatever physical manifestations in the display when I fall into this mood. I will add them in the edit.

I would appreciate if I could get advice on what I should do, I did daily meditation, for now, these couple of days for about twenty minutes but again I always feel tense and have these hard to let go thought patterns of trying to predict future world outcomes and uncertainty about my own future.

I' ve been having this problem for about a year now on and off and I am guilty of not dealing with, asking for advice, sharing it earlier on the forum when these fits occurred in the past or for not doing enough dedicated and set aside consciousness work on it from the material advice on Leo's channel and website and let it instead fester and reoccur over this period of time by being distracted and succumbing to pleasure via entertainment, video games or porn, constraining and hurting other areas of my life like the pursuit of intimate relationships.

Thank you if you read all of this and set aside to reply and help with advice of what I should do to start fixing and letting go of this and to overcome it eventually, sorry for the messy wording and sentencing, I am going to sleep soon (it's am in my timezone) and wanted to write this from my head and memory as quickly as possible in order to finish some commitments and do some chores tomorrow in time. 

Edited May 17, 2020 by Milos Uzelac

[Preety_India]

 

Hmm. 

You need to sort out your priorities very openly. This distraction thing is not working for you. 

Don't be so tensed and worried about the future all the time. It doesn't help. I used to do this when I was 18, it leads to stress disorders in later years. 

I hope your family is not pressuring you in some way. 

The xanax needs to be off and in the garbage bin. You don't need it. Xanax is given for strong conditions and has strong effects. That's not a drug for you. Doctors are always in the habit of prescribing you a truckload of drugs, but doesn't mean you should take everything a doctor prescribes. Check the side effects on the internet before popping a pill. 

Now your exams are up I guess. You should control a bit of the porn. Practice self control. That porn thing is destroying you, making you guilty and giving you anxiety over wasted time. 

Keep the porn for 1 time in 2 weeks on Sunday. That way you won't feel guilty. 

Start following a very basic routine of discipline every day devoid of most distractions. Just showering, breakfast, study time, and eating, exercise like walking and sleeping. This won't be difficult. 

Inconsistency can again cause anxiety so stick to the plan. 

You are suffering from what I will describe as HYPER STRESS 

You have burned and fried your brain with distraction. Don't get so obsessed with everything. Take it slow. 

Also your career and life purpose is just a career, not a decision of life and death, don't be so stressed on it. It's ok if things don't work out. You don't need to pressure yourself. 

The future world outcome thing. You don't need to predict anything about this world. You just have to survive this world. This world cannot be changed by one man. The way of the world is not planned nor is it controlled. There are so many factors at play that these factors are out of a common man's hands. Given your conditions and problems, you aren't equipped to deal with the problems the world is facing. It's better to focus on yourself first. I'm not trying to insult you here. But I'm being very blunt and straightforward in my advice so that you take your own life seriously. 

Stay in the present moment. If your day goes well, that's already a big victory. Try to take one day at a time instead of investing so much thought in the future and being anxious over it 

Be practical and love yourself and take care. 

 

[Elton]

@Milos Uzelac what is the most important bad habit that if you quit, you feel that it would make a huge difference in your life ? 

Quit that habit and install a new one similar to that habit, for eg. You identify that you want to quit watching porn, great now install a new habit of watching instructional vedios on teaching.

Or say you identify that you are negatively visualization a lot of stuff and want to quit negative thinking, replace that with affirmations and visualizations for 90 days straight.

One habit at a time for 90 days is the solution.

This is a fact that I learnt from Leo Each time you control your impulse your building your willpower up. Notice that the more number of days you go without a bad habit the easier it becomes to resist it.

It will take a year or so to rewire your subconscious mind but you got to be consistent. 

Have a powerful vision for yourself it's one of the most important things to have in life it can motivate you to stop procrastinating it can fill your life with positivity it will inspire you to stop wasting time on things that are not worth it.

Two more important advices for you as a bonus ;-) : one is slow and mindful breathing, focus on your breath, and the second one is body awareness.

Wear a rubber band to remind you of these, but again Install one habit at a time, easily and effortlessly.

As Gay Henrix said 'Even though insights are important, stabilization of those insights are equally important.'

 

[DaVinci]

Hi Milos,

I have just come back to the forum after a while away from actualized.org content and am amazed at how many people are in a similar situation to myself.

I am 21, Male.

You are not alone in this, welcome to the brotherhood! Everybody is on this earth to learn a lesson and this one is yours.

The unique wisdom you will acquire in passing through this cannot be learned reading a book. I only ask that you pass on what you have learned to those around you.

Perhaps you can relate to my short story:

Age 5: Start school. Fall in love with a girl in class at first sight. The start of an obsessive attachment.

Age 11: Transfer to a very large secondary school. Feel isolated. Oneitis relationship continues.

Age 11/12: Begin watching porn regularly. Repeatedly try to stop by willpower but doesn't stop. Insecurity in new environment.

Age 13: Research methods to stop, excited to be learning personal development and "getting ahead". Meditations, cold showers, affirmations.

Age 14: Increasing social isolation and anxiety. School grades are declining. My methods aren't working? Why?? Maybe I'm doing the wrong technique...

Age 15: More experimentation. "It is wrong to need a relationship".I must rid myself of this desire. Reject the advances of other girls. I am keeping myself for the girl I like.

Age 19: University. Distraction can no longer hide the inner conflict. My first panic attack. Anti-anxiolytics and SSRI's for 1 year. Start with a psychologist.

Age 20/21: First sexual experiences. Addictions continue.

 

This "manic" episodes you describe seem to be a way for you to shed excess energy. You have a self image of how you "should be" in your mind.

But you see that what you actually do is not alignment. This generates conflict. Conflict meaning increased thinking (judgements) and therefore emotions.

You distract yourself from these emotions. You tense your stomach so you don't feel them. This creates even more conflict.

In order dissipate this energy you move your body in various ways. 

 

Advice (in order of importance):

1. See a Psychologist weekly. From your viewpoint you cannot find the solution. You are in the middle of the storm and can't see anything.

Somebody external to you can see the situation more clearly. You can read all you want but until you see for yourself what is going on you cannot solve it. You just cannot see your own blind spots just as everyone else cannot see their own.

 

Are you in an intimate relationship at the moment?

 

 

 

 

[kag101]

Dude, you are way too hard on yourself. 

Btw - if you don't take the antidepressant every single day, it will not work.