My name is Preety, not Pretty !!

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??? The context of my relationships with men ???


I was too scared by now. I felt guilty. It was the next day after Christmas. Normally we would have off days around Christmas. But because it was exams in January, some teachers were holding classes starting 8 am every day.. Classes would end close to mid afternoon. 

I wasn't myself anymore. I was ridden with guilt. What had I done? How could I just give my body to a stranger? He was still a stranger. I gave my body to a stranger on Christmas night? What??? 

I couldn't believe it. I had absolutely surrendered myself the night before to a guy I had barely known. I was sleepy, tired, feeling exhausted and drunk and I just didn't know how it all happened so fast..i wasn't craving for it to happen again. I kinda felt ashamed. Not because it was sex. But because I had it with a man I didn't know much at all, a guy from my class.. 

In the next few days, he kept texting me and his texts and calls were regular. He would always ask me if I were home alone. 

He confessed that he loved me. I fell in love with him as well. 

This was my first standard boyfriend. Mr SHT. 

Sometimes when I think back it feels like he raped me that night. But sometimes it feels like it was sex. Because after all I hadn't resisted. I have to admit I enjoyed it. I enjoyed him touching me and turning and rolling me over and over penetrating me. 

Mr SHT was smart, tall and handsome. My age, my classmate. All girls would drool over him. He would have a bevy of girls circling him. He knew how to get their attention just like he knew how to get my attention even without me knowing it 

He never talked about that night again. 

My family returned from the vacation. I didn't say a word. I was too afraid that they would judge me for having sex with a classmate.. 

Then came the death knell. The exams. It was January already. 

The fear and anxiety of the exams drowned out all the memories and fears of that night and all the leftover romantic feelings too. Now it was only and only Exam. That's it 


Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety


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??? The context of my relationships with men ???


Then it was January. The exams lasted a total of 14 days. Sheer exhaustion.. Very cruel. Indians exams are the cruelest. Not a day off and they put you through a drill. It's military style. If you fail, repeat. Dropping out is not an option. Because then parents terrorize you. You can't tell an Indian parent that you failed an exam or you decided to drop out. You better be ready to jump from the window. Because Indian parents take grades very strictly. If you failed exams, you basically failed the whole family as well as your life 

The second week of January. I wasn't studying hard.. Why? Because I began daydreaming sexual encounters with my boyfriend Mr SHT

 I would imagine both of us. I was too excited. This was my very first relationship. My very first romantic sexual relationship. My virginity taken by Mr SHT. My very first boyfriend. 

How could I not be excited? I was being an excited teen. I was on cloud 9. 

But he didn't seem that excited. He was normal. 

His calls began to lessen in duration and frequency. It seems like he didn't care too much. 

It was in the middle of the exams. It was Sunday. I called him. I started telling him how I was daydreaming about him. I was describing like a starry eyed teenager. 

He got upset. He reprimanded me. He yelled at me.. He was very dominating. Not controlling. But dominating. 

He said to me angrily "do you want all red lines on your marksheet? Go back and study. I want you to do well in this exam. Don't be foolish. Whatever it is, we can do it later. Have some self control. It's exams now. Go study and stop dreaming."




Now it was the third week of January. And the exams were over. We would now have a vacation break of 1 month before the start of the next semester. The second semester. 

This was early spring break. 


I came home after finishing the last test and immediately jumped in bed and took my phone. I called his number. I could hear the ring... But nobody is picking up. I was getting restless. I hadn't talked to him since the last time he scolded him. Now it was my time for fun. I kept calling non stop. I thought he was playing a prank and intentionally avoiding me. 

But then someone cut the call and left a message. "who is this. SHT is not here" read the text. 

I replied "so where is SHT?" 

Then came the text reply "he left for his hometown just an hour ago. He must have boarded the train now. I'm his friend Rahul (a guy). Who are you btw?" 

I felt a bit unnerved and I didn't bother to reply. 

I thought to myself "wtf, how could he just leave for his place even without telling me? Did he just forget me?" I was too upset. 

But then in the coming few weeks I consoled myself by saying maybe it was a family emergency or something so he probably didn't find a chance to let me know. 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety


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It was February 2nd week now. Semester opening time. The entire month SHT didn't call me even once. No texts, no calls, no emails. Nothing. It's like he had vanished. 

It was Saturday afternoon and I see SHT in the college cafeteria. 

I'm dumbfounded. When did he come back? Did his friend tell him that I called and inquired about him? What's going on? 


I went home and I called SHT and demanded that he come right away. To my house. Right now. I was furious. 

He came. When he came I was home alone and I smiled at him. But then I started the questions. Interrogation. 

Where were you? Why didn't you call me? I tried calling you. You never replied. What's going on? 

He then told me that he had taken ill. He was severely ill. 

"didn't my friends tell you that I was in the hospital. So you are a girlfriend and you didn't know." 

He blamed me. His trick was to blame me for everything. That afternoon we had sex. 

He left soon after. Without a kiss. 

I was pissed. 

I had to be a bit demanding with this guy. This is shitty. How can he do this. I'm a girlfriend. I need answers. 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety


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It was February 21. My birthday. People in my classroom wished me. Then SHT slowly came up behind me, and slyly opened my laptop backpack. (it was compulsory for all students to carry a laptop to the classroom every single day of all semesters). He slyly opened my backpack and slid something under the laptop in my bag. 

Then it pulled back the chain of the bag and left hurriedly. 

I came home after class and opened my bag and saw that a card was under the laptop. I opened the card. It was a birthday card. Just a standard normal regular Archie's birthday card. Formal words printed by the card company 

Usually when I send a birthday card, I write my own words on the space on the inside of the card. This space is specifically provided for this purpose. There are formal words on one side which come with the card. There are personal words scribbled by the sender on the other side. When you give it to a loved one you make sure that you write something. 

He didn't write anything. That space was empty. I stared into space. And then I threw the card away in anger. Nobody does this. Everyone writes. How could he not. I didn't expect a gift but at least a few words would have made me happier. Nevermind 


Then days went by. He wouldn't call much. He would call only when he had something sexual to say. Otherwise nothing. 

I was growing impatient and weary. Deprived of affection. Is affection only sex? What kind of love is this. I didn't like it. We would never really talk except when it was him wanting sex.. 

Months were going by. And I was getting frustrated with the lack of affection. We weren't even going out anywhere. Just bedroom sex. This didn't feel right. 



 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety


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Then it was March last week. One day he was on his bike waiting to go home and I stopped him.  I stood there just staring at him in anger. I was throwing a fit. I was in my college uniform. We were supposed to wear a formal uniform on days of presentation in college. That day was my presentation day. Presentation days are when we stand on the stage in the classroom and with a laptop and projector, talk about a particular topic and present new ideas to our fellow students. These are powerpoint presentations and they are hour long and very tiring. 

I was too tired after my college presentation that day. I wanted to enjoy at the beach. So I demanded that SHT take me to the beach. I was throwing a fit. He said he had other things to do. I said 'no' and I stood firm.. I told him he had to take me or I would be very pissed. I wasn't taking a no. He had been evading me for weeks. I had been deprived. I wanted some time with him, some affection, some fun. I was tired being his sex doll.. 

He shrugged and kept explaining me that he really can't. And then he saw a group of teachers coming and he sped away narrowly escaping riding over my feet. I was furious. I didn't feel respected in this relationship. I felt used. There was no affection. 

I didn't talk to him for a week. I was very angry and mad at him for not spending time with me.. 

Now it was April. Precisely April 11. It was his birthday. I was expecting that at least this day we would hang out, watch movies and have dinner together. SHT was in the classroom. The entire class was cheering for him. He was the Elvis Presley of the class. Everyone liked him. He was like a magnet. Every girl was attracted to him. I have to admit I was a bit jealous by such attention. I was his girlfriend. I wanted him to myself. Both guys and girls would be around him all the time. He attracted people like bees to nectar. Sometimes I was proud of him. Proud of his friendly behavior with people. 

But he was spending too much time with people and less time with me. He was very funny around them and very mysterious around me. It's almost like he was leading a double life. A public life and a private life. Not many people knew about his private life other than me. 

He already had 5000 friends on Facebook. He would make friends wherever he went. 

His life was all about friends. I was getting tired of this circus. 

Everyday was only him and friends. It's like I never existed. An entire month would go by without him calling me. He would call me only to enquire if I was home alone or not. 

That day people were cheering so loud. People were loudly saying "happy birthday SHT." 

I came home. 

I was tired in the afternoon. I slept off. I woke up in the evening. I checked my phone. I had sent him an early morning text wishing him a happy birthday to which he hadn't replied. I sat there waiting that maybe he will reply when he gets home. I was wondering if he would take me out for dinner and I will order a cake and we will have a private little birthday celebration. 

3 hours went by. No call. No text. I was thinking what went wrong. I sent a few texts. No reply. 

I was growing anxious. I was waiting to celebrate his birthday and go out on dinner with him. At least this was the best occasion to spend time together. 

It was 9. 30 pm now. Too late to even go out to dinner. What the hell was he doing. 

I decided to call him. I called and he didn't pick. He instead texted me that he was busy with his friends at Hotel ChIllis and the entire classroom was there along with the teachers celebrating his birthday. I was flabbergasted. Devastated. What I'm reading? He invited the entire classroom but did not invite me? He invited everyone except his own girlfriend. And no private celebration? 

I was not mad but extremely depressed when I saw the text. It was unbelievable. He never told his friends that I was his girlfriend. He always hiding our relationship from everyone. He wanted our relationship to be a secret. That's why he intentionally didn't invite me. This was very heartbreaking. Why would he do this? Did he want to see other women while having me as his sex kitty on the side. 

I felt terrible. I burst out in tears. I began crying and it wouldn't stop. I just couldn't stomach this anymore. I was feeling used. I was feeling exploited. He was playing a game with me. He wanted me only for sex. He wanted other women too. He was young. I was young. He didn't want to lose his chances. But he could just have told me and I would have left him for a committed man. Why would he hide his intentions from me. For sex? It felt awful. I was already making marriage plans in my head. I was heartbroken. 

I spent the whole night crying. And I logged into a random chat group and started typing my love story. Then some guy responded to me and after reading my entire story told me "he is not into you. He is just using you. You have fallen in love with him. But he doesn't care about you. He only wants sex." this crushed me. I cried the whole morning and the whole week after that. 

I was emotionally devastated. This was my first love. My first ever sexual romantic relationship. The guy who took my virginity. This was my first boyfriend. And he was using me for sex. He didn't love me. That's why he was hiding the relationship from everyone. He didn't want people to know that he had a girlfriend. 

I felt embarrassed and upset and depressed. My heart was crushed. I was no longer myself. 

It was May. 

We had a few arguments about him not spending time with me and spending too much time with other women. 

Now it was June. 

I had felt disrespected in this relationship for some time. I decided to take revenge. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. I was a sexy woman. But I was also an emotional woman. Playing with me was like playing with fire. He couldn't get away with this. To manipulate a woman, to win her heart only to break it, all for your selfish sexual needs. I wasn't having this anymore. 

I invited him one last time. I was home alone. We had sex. 

He was happy. I was just staring at him. I felt like a sex robot a sex doll. I decided to teach him a lesson. 

He went home. 

The next day in the evening I called him and told I'm done with him. He was shocked. He told me that we just had sex the other night. I told him to forget me and never call me again. He was a bit jittery and nervous on the phone. I hung up. 

I hurt him. And it was for a good reason. He hurt me too. 

I had every right to break such a pathetic toxic loveless relationship with me being used as a sex doll. And being blamed for asking for basic affection. 

I moved on. 

The next week I saw him with another girl.. I was wondering how long he had been doing this with women. 

The next whole semester I would see him around different women, it was very unpleasant to watch. 

I would see him in empty college hallways and sometimes in the classrooms or cafeterias. He would look sullen and upset. He would look at me and I would look away. 

One day he sat where I was sitting and having coffee. And I got up and left. 

I wanted to forget SHT. The first man I had sex with, the first man I had fallen in love with, my first love and my heart breaker. 

This shaped in my mind an opinion on men. A toxic opinion. I started seeing men in a different light. I began to feel that men wanted women only for sex. Men were Incapable of love, emotion, affection, loyalty, compassion and companionship. 

I wanted a full man, a wholesome man, a man with a heart, not just a body with a dick on it. 

And so I stopped thinking about men at least for some time. 



 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety


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??? The context of my relationships with men ???


The chapter of SHT was over. 

Mr SHT, a piece of shit was gone from my life forever. 

I permanently closed this chapter. 

New chapter begins. 

The Chapter of Mr Bud. 

I will call him Bud. Because that's how his name begins. He was an Indian guy. 

Overall my relationship history was basically 2 Indian boyfriends followed by 2 American boyfriends. 

The last American boyfriend who is my current boyfriend is Andrew. 


After finishing my college. I began searching for a job. I joined a small investment firm. It was not a good experience. In fact it was a horror show. That firm was a scam as I would find out later. 

I quit that job and joined a accounting company. This was a marketing company as well. 

The pay was minimum, bare minimum. I thought I'll just get some quick experience and jump for a higher better paying job. 

I started my first month at this workplace. And here comes Mr Bud. He was assigned by my manager to train new members or employees. Since I was a new employee, his job was to train me and explain me how to operate their systems and the overall protocol. 

It was easy. And it took only a few months to master the whole technical process. 

Within months of joining my performance was better than all the men in the team. This was an all male team. I was the only female in the team (prejudice). I was regular on the job, a hard worker. My days were fine. 

I had forgotten all the pain and misery of Mr SHT. 

So this guy Bud was always hovering around me like a butterfly. He would constantly draw my attention to him.. 

He was extremely helpful. He was my age. This was year 2014. I was 21. 

At first I didn't notice this guy. He was shorter than me. Slightly shorter. He was thin and kinda wimpy. 

He looked ugly. He was nothing like my first handsome boyfriend. If my first boyfriend was a 9 out of 10 then this guy was a 4. 

I would have never fallen for this guy. Because I usually was attracted to good looking men. I didn't pay much attention to the ones that didn't look good. They escaped my view. 

This was not an internal bias. It just that a lot of the not-so-good-looking men also lacked in other qualities. So they would compensate for the lack with excessive criticism of women to take the attention off themselves. 

I saw that men who weren't good looking also lacked confidence. And a lack of confidence in a man was a huge turn off for me.. 

A man that looked confident also looked more manly to me. 

So Bud was a little guy who was almost like a jester. Always around me, playing pranks on me while I would be seriously immersed in work. I had a terrific work ethic. I would never miss a day. Always on time. Finishing all my work on time 

I would never talk much to anyone. All the males in the team were infatuated with me. I could sense it.  They would try to flirt with me but I would pay no attention at all. A part of the reason was that I had come to negatively perceive men after the experience with SHT. It had traumatized me. I viewed men as perverted sex machines who only wanted a woman for something, That thing. And I thought men weren't capable of giving, only capable of taking. (This would change later when I met Joseph and Andrew) For now I had a very low opinion of men. 

That's why I never responded to any of the flirting. 

Bud started to up his game with me. He would flirt every day. His attention was non stop. Frankly I was enjoying it. I started to see him as a good guy. He was very helpful to everyone. 

Bud was the kind of guy who could take the shirt of his back and give it to others. He was extremely helpful. He wasn't kind but he was very helpful. He was very annoying, like an annoying joker character. He looked like a joker and walked like a joker. He would make people laugh, go the extra mile to please people. 

He was constantly trying to please me. I could easily see it. Soon word started circulating in the office that there is something going on between him and me. Anyway I didn't pay attention to that. 

One day I was talking about umbrellas. And I wanted a specific type of umbrella that opens and closes automatically. I was discussing this with the colleagues because they wanted to get one as well. Suddenly Bud stepped in and offered to get one for me. I politely declined. He kept insisting for a really long time 

So I finally said ok. I told him that I pay him for the umbrella. He said fine. A week later, I was sitting in the office cabin and typing something on the office computer. Bud came in and started showing everyone in the office the stuff he got when he was on vacation. And he pulled out an umbrella and came to me and kept it next to my computer. I was just startled. I immediately asked how much I needed to pay him for it 

Normally it would cost something like $10 for that one. He said it was ok, he didn't want the money. I felt a bit embarrassed and I removed the money from my wallet and I handed him the bucks. He just wouldn't accept it. I was frustrated and I sat back in my place. I asked him why he wasn't accepting the money. He said that his mom always told him to never accept money from strangers that you're trying to help. 

I was like ok... Never heard of it before. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Now India is made of so many different cultures that differ from state to state, so I thought maybe in his culture this is how it goes. 

I said ok and forgot the whole thing. But I remembered him helping me. I still have his umbrella to this day and it's a red colored umbrella. It sits in the corner and I never use it. I used it when I was in the relationship with him. But after I broke up with him, I never used it because I didn't want to be reminded of him. 




 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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??? The context of my relationships with men ???


The chapter of Mr Bud. 

So Mr Bud gave me an umbrella for free that still sits in my room. 

Gradually I started getting attracted to Mr Bud. He was funny, extremely funny, made me laugh. He wouldn't stop gawking at me. And I would laugh looking at him. Much of the time we would share some silly banter. He was a bit feminine. I would call him a beta guy. He behaved a lot like most beta guys 

He wasn't dominating. He wasn't aggressive. He didn't have male pride or ego. Just a humble guy. He was born in the month of April. Somehow I was always attracting these April men.. Even SHT was born in April 

 Something in me was attracting these April guys. Maybe an April fool's joke, who knows. Maybe Pisces love the stability and pragmatism of an Aries because Pisces is so dreamy dreamy. 

Some Aries are strong, robust. Depends on which quadrant they are born. If you have an Aries from the first or second week of April you have an aggressive bull Aries. These guys like SHT can be very domineering, make their own rules, bend to nothing and are calm but stiff. Stubbornness is a hallmark quality of both Aries and Taurus. 

But Bud was born in April but wasn't an Aries. He was born on April 25, he was a Taurus. Bud was very stubborn, one of the reasons that lead to our eventual falling out. 

I can't stand stubbornness in a man. When it comes to important things, a man can stand his ground, but when little things are involved, a man should let go his ego and pride and be a bit attentive to his gf. Guys who are too stubborn put me off. I don't see them as husband material. 


So Bud was the most stubborn man out of all the men I dated. 

I had been working for a few months at this new workplace. And Bud was constantly vying for my attention.

One day Bud changed his cabin and replaced another person there. This was a guy I used to never get along with. He was cringey. He used to mock me, harass me. Once he even stretched my arm and forcefully removed my bracelet and kept dangling it in the air. In any other country this would have been considered sexual harassment. I really had problems with this dude. He was obsessed with me. 

I never like obsessed men. They are psychos. 

I used to hate this person but he was my coworker I had no option but to keep quiet about it. If I had spoken out against him or others, they would have fired me instead of disciplining the men. It was frustrating to work among a bunch of guys salivating over you and constantly obsessed with you. But this was the only job I could manage to get at the time, it was a sort of a recession and jobs were few, most companies were laying off instead of hiring and given the huge population, getting a job is a huge challenge. I didn't want to lose my job. So I had to put up with unruly arrogant male colleagues as long as I was there. At that time, I was planning to come to US and eventually I was. But at the time I was stuck in this 9 to 5 job for my survival. 

I had enough money to survive without a job. I had made investments while pursuing my MBA that had helped me financially. However I needed a job as well. I needed a career. (But later on in my life I dumped this whole career and pursued marketing. I realized that the whole field wasn't meant for me. It was male dominated, I was always the only female in the group facing all sorts of harassment and on top these jobs were overly competitive. I had competed too much by then. All I needed or wanted was a husband, a family and a peaceful job. This was not to be the case. But anyway. I think less of it now in retrospect) 

I also had a lot of challenges to face as an Indian woman.. As a woman in this country, there is a constant threat of rape and I'm not exaggerating. For this workplace, I had to take 3 separate busses in the morning and 3 separate busses in the night. I could drive only a small distance. I wasn't very good at driving and driving as a woman in these crowded places in the city is also risky. I had multiple incidents where men on the streets would lear at me, harass me, once I was on my bicycle and a car behind me try to ram my bicycle on purpose. Many women in my country constantly face sexual harassment on streets and the police doesn't help much. They think that we are crying victim if we complain. My female friend was overtaken and thrown off her bike once while she was returning home. Some men do not like women being free and independent and trying to live their own life. They try to threaten their safety by such behavior. I had many female friends who stopped working and quit their jobs because of sexual harassment. This can only be solved if the government takes strict action for women's safety.. Most women use public transportation to feel safe. The streets are not safe at all, especially at night. 

I recall one night while returning home from office. We usually use the term office for job or work. So I had to board a bus. It was raining heavily. It was 8 pm. I had a late shift. So I got the bus. Then I took another bus. By this time it was already 10 pm. Since the streets are jam packed and crowded the busses move slowly through traffic and the wait time in traffic is easily 15 minutes at different spots, so a short distance would take an hour to cover. So it was 10 pm. Now the busses slowly reduce in frequency as the night draws on. I could hardly see a bus. 

I waited and waited and waited. I saw a minibus. Minibuses are privately operated busses, they aren't controlled by the governments and hence they run at anytime, there is no schedule for these busses and they are not regulated well. You see a lot of drunk and nasty people in these Minibuses. These buses are notorious for rapes. A lot of rape incidents have happened in such buses. I used to always tell my mom to never board such busses. And she used to exactly board these busses. She has this old generation mentality where she has to save money at all costs, even at the cost of life. It's so stupid. I often suffer because of her stupidity. 

So one of these notorious Minibuses arrived. Now I was intently looking at my watch. It's 10. 30 pm. It's now or never. No government bus will come by now. Even if it comes, maybe it will be very late. So either sit at the bus stop forever or board this minibus. I had no option. I hated those mini  busses because I knew there were always nasty people in it. But it was raining. Soon the streets would be cleared and I will be the only person on the street at night. If I'm alone at this bus stop with nobody around, any drunk or homeless man can rape me. Plus there are always groups of men during such times who look for vulnerable women to rape them. So I was literally trembling in fear. I had to get home as soon as possible. I didn't think much and boarded this minibus 

I got in and sat in a secluded place. I could see a man sitting on the opposite bench or seat. And it seemed he was drunk. There were a group of 5 men sitting behind me. I wasn't facing them. I was looking out the window. The whole time my heart was pounding harder and harder. The ticket collector was a young boy, probably just 15 years old. He came up to me and I paid him the money for the bus fare.. Then he collected money from all those men. 

After some time, the drunk man on the opposite seat came near me and stood next to me and made gestures for me to move near the window. I didn't pay attention. He started to touch my shoulder. I just removed his hand off myself. By now I knew this guy was trying to sexually harass me because he saw that I was the only girl in the bus. 

All the men behind me said nothing to him, and did nothing, they simply watched. 

He kept trying to touch me on my shoulders and on my arms and I would throw my bag at him to tell him to get off me. Then I put my feet up on the other seat so he couldn't forcefully push me. Finally the ticket collector saw his antics and shoved him into his seat. Then he grabbed this pathetic drunk man by his collar and took him to the exit stairs and told him to get off the bus and pushed him. The man was left there and the bus moved on. I breathed a sigh of relief. This 15 year old boy saved my life. I could have fought that man but what if he carried a knife? So sometimes it's better to not defend aggressively. 

This incident reminded me of the ever present threat of rape usually in lonely dark places while returning home at night from work. 

Next day I went to my boss and told her to put me on early work shifts so I never have to work to return home late at night. She was pissed but she agreed. She was a total bitch. She was extremely fat and obese and she would give me these mean looks. Maybe she was jealous of me, that I was getting a lot of attention from men. I mean. I just didn't care what all these people thought. I just wanted to mind my own business and work and come home. I didn't want any drama in life. 


I was a brave girl. I battled a lot of odds, usually because of men, to be able to just secure a job and work. It's being difficult being an independent woman here. A lot of men try to challenge you, as if they are jealous of you trying to better in life. 

Now I work from home so I no longer worry about sexual harassment in streets and busses. But back then I had a real issue almost on a daily basis. 


Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


My family used to call me Babs for short. It was a nickname given to me. 

Everyone called me Babs. Babs for baby. I was always called the little baby of my family. 

Now it was the month of October. I had spent a considerable amount of time in the office with Bud. 

He was very caring and gentle. I was slowly getting drawn to him. I thought to myself "this guy is so helpful and nice and funny. He would be such a nice husband to me. Together we will be so happy. He loves me. Maybe I'm not giving me the chance to be with me. Maybe he really likes me. He also cares about me. He doesn't look good but so what. It seems he is a nice guy. "

Back then Bud seemed like such a nice person. The stereotypical nice guy. He would say everything a woman would want to hear 

He would be cooperative, helpful, always thinking about my safety when I returned home from work. He was like the Mr Family Man. 

He played that role really well. He always acted like he cared about me. He would go the extra mile. Maybe all of this was just to impress me.

But I never had someone care so much about me. Not even my family, except my dad. 

My dad was everything for me. I lost my dad to kidney and heart failure early in life. My dad died in 2009. He was the pillar of my life. My mom was mainly responsible for his death. She was instrumental. Her bipolar disorder ruined his life. It's a sensitive chapter I almost never talk about. It's the main reason why I hate my mother so much. She took from me the most important person of my life. I was Daddy's little girl. Much of my pain and self pity came from witnessing my father's death and his life of misery under my mom. This created an intense conflict in me 

Also no man I met until now ever compares to my dad. My dad raised my standards for men. He was the nicest husband and the best father I could have ever asked for. He was my pillar. 

I live today only for him. 

I remember him telling me when I was 14.

"Babs always be a strong girl, no matter what." 







Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


So it was October and I was feeling very comfortable in the company of Mr Bud 

Eventually I decided to make the first move. In hindsight, I don't know if a woman making the first move is the best idea. I'm not sure. I think it's the consequences of a relationship that matter rather than who is making the first move. So I decided to tell Bud how I felt about him. For a long time I hadn't really felt secure around men, I had felt very insecure. My relationship with SHT had burned a hole in me. 

I had become miserable not wanting to ever date again. Bud provided me with much needed relief. (a relief that would later turn into a nightmare). 

I wished I had never dated Bud. 

I so wish. Hindsight regrets. 

So I told Bud how I felt. He was trembling and then he said he felt the same way. 

From that day we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We started texting and chatting and calling each other during break time and when we went home from work. 

When I used to come home it would be 10.30 or sometimes on early shifts I would get home by 8 pm. I couldn't make it home before that even with best of my efforts. 

I would come home, shower, get dressed in my loose clothes like a sleep shirt or or just a top and pyjamas and get ready for dinner and then sit back on my bed and text Bud. 

This was everyday throughout 2014. 



 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


Bud became a huge part of my life. We would meet on Sundays in a park. 

There was no option to live in together because I was living with my mother at the time. And Bud never talked about living together. 

2015 ushers in. 

Bud used to never talk marriage, family. I used to always remind him that I wasn't the "no marriage" girl. If I was having a relationship, I wasn't having it for nothing. I either wanted it to be a lifetime commitment or just drop it altogether. I had no patience for these short term flings and dating for a couple of years. 

Truly this is a waste of time. Either be with someone for life or not be at all. 

I had a savvy mind even in my relationships. This savvy side in me comes from my Hispanic-ish mother. She is damn savvy about everything, even about something that only costs a dime. 

Sometimes being savvy helps. It's a life skill. You can't be a lazy poodle walking through life. You got to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and understand not to fall for shit that people throw across you.. Don't be naive like me. I was naive. I ended up paying a high price for my naivety. 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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 Man is the impregnation of the seed in the woman.. The impregnation of emotion in her sponge. And the woman is the expression of this impregnation 

Pink, white, Grey, deep blue. 

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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Nothing matters anymore 

Sex doesn't matter 

Nothing matters 

Only inner peace matters. 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


Bud used to always evade the question of marriage . If you love a woman, why would you not want to marry her. It never made sense to me. If I were a man, I would have instantly wanted to marry my girlfriend. There is no reason why I wouldn't. Other than if I knew that I'm fooling her. 

Bud's behavior makes me feel like men are very manipulative in retrospect. 

Men manipulate women to get a girlfriend. If they were honest and authentic, they wouldn't land a girlfriend or whoever they are attracting will leave. 

Bud lied to me about marriage. He told me that he would eventually tell me about marriage and discuss the plans. I was like okayyyy. 

I was trying to fast forward my marriage to Bud. 

Bud was an extremely poor man. Here I was a girl who lived a rich lifestyle in a swanky apartment and Bud used to live in the slums. He was totally broke. Whatever money he earned from his job went in paying the debt that his parents owed to someone. 

Bud's father was a drunk. He had blown a lot of the family on alcohol. 

Bud never told me all this in the first 6 months of our relationship. He always hid a lot of things from me. 

I always believed that Bud had the best intentions. 

(Bud was the worst guy I dated) 

Sometimes I think to myself that even if I had terrible experiences in relationships with manipulative men, it's all good because I was probably saved from a greater misery of marrying such men.. 

Today I think retrospectively, what if I had married Bud. My life would have been a disaster living in a slum with him, compromising all my basic needs to live in poverty with Bud only to figure out later that he was an opportunistic selfish bitch who had his eyes on money. 

Bud had his eye on my money. I didn't know it at first. 

He knew I was financially better than him. 

He would tell me how broke he was Yada Yada. 


I told Bud in the park. 

"hey, money is not a problem. It's okay if you are broke. Love is not about money. I love you. We will get married. We live together and work just like my parents did. And if we work hard, even our financial problems will be gone. What we need is only love. "

But Bud had other plans. 

When I get flashbacks of Bud, it traumatizes me deeply, Bud was a psychopath, a total psychopath who had learned how to keep a veneer of a stereotypical good guy and win people's trust to get them to do him favors. This was the true character of Bud. He was a fake. A total hypocrite. A total fake. Bud was no good man. He only pretended to be. It served his purpose. 

Bud would take money from many people. The manager who I was working with gave Bud her phone that was worth $600 for free. Bud was used to getting things from people out of pity. 

Since Bud was virtually broke, he would make up stories, a lot of stories to people and they would easily give him money. He would return it later but he would return it very slowly. 

Bud would brag to me how helpful people are to him. Unconsciously he was trying to guilt me into helping him. 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


Bud kept telling me that his phone cannot be recharged because he can't pay the phone bill. He would say that he didn't have money for a prepaid top up for his phone. I said to Bud, hey no worries. I will do the top up. 

After a week I realized that Bud is asking for money again. Hmmm. I was like okay. 

I paid his phone bills for that month. He used the phone to call me and text me. But he also used it to text others and call others. I paid all of the costs. 

I did this because I was feeling pitiful for him. I was very sympathetic to Bud. I felt very sorry that he was so poor. So I always thought it was my duty to help him. 

I was very naive. I was in love. I was blind. 

I had paid for Bud's monthly bills for almost a year now. 

One of the biggest lessons I learned from my relationship with Bud is this 

If a man is ever evasive about marriage or commitment, JUST LEAVE. 

Men can give many many reasons for not marrying or committing. Just understand that no reason is justifiable by any means. Any man who is with you but doesn't want to commit to you is a manipulative man not worth your trust. 

Men calculate a lot. They probably sit with a set of boxes to be tick marked 

These boxes are 

Do I get enough sex from her 

Is she hot enough 

Is she easy 

Is she satisfying my needs 

Do I lose anything with this girl because I don't want to spend a dime on her 

Do I need to commit to her. 


Men want a woman who is carefree about commitment so that they can get away with it. If the woman is pressing too hard on commitment, they will make her look like a criminal for needing commitment. 

To women my message is that commitment is necessary in a relationship. Let no man tell you otherwise. All this relationship things that men tell you is simply manipulation. There is just no reason why a man wouldn't want to be with you long term. If he says he has Insecurities about how things are going to be then just tell him that you are giving him a fixed time. He is supposed to make up his mind before that time. 

Why? Because your age as a woman is not on sale. That's why. 

He cannot simply try you out and get sex from you and then try another. Women are not a shopping mall where men get to try clothes.. 

You are not his cum bucket. 

Men are very savvy. They are masters. They have learned how to survive through centuries of training. They are a master at it. They are not what they show. They know the magic tricks on getting a woman. 

Men lie about a ton of things. But somehow act like they are very honest. The truth is that men are not very authentic in relationships, not as much as they would like to believe. 

If a man wants to try you out then let him try you out but NO SEX ok. No sex. That's not necessary for the trial period. You as a woman have nothing to lose.. Just remember that much. You have the leash in your hands. Just tighten that leash. 

He cannot be expecting you to act and serve as a wife and at the same time act like he needs to think about commitment. Then he needs to drop certain expectations if he is only trying you. 

Tell a man to make up his mind. Does he want you or not. 

I see that a lot of women are weak with men. They don't ask them questions. 

I used to be very hard on my boyfriend. If I asked him a question I would look straight into his eyes, straight to his face. Boldly. I will demand that answer. He would just fumble. 

As a woman you need to be bold and courageous with men. You need to take them head on and challenge them. Challenge their views rather than accepting those views. Ask them directly instead of feeling dumb or nervous about asking. If he says he loves you, then he should have the ability to prove it. Words are shallow and empty. 



I wish there was an institution like a college that protected women and taught them how to pick partners so they wouldn't end up miserable with no man or exploited by men for sex and casual company. Women want something deep. They want a connection, a marriage, a family, a foundation for a lifetime, they are not looking for a cheap jerk-off. 



 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


I'm a very raw and direct kind of a woman. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. When I take a man, I take him head on. What's to lose? 

Why in the world would a man lie other than for his own benefit? 

To understand a man, you really have to look into his shadows rather than the good side he is constantly displaying. 

Men are experts at dating. That's how and why we have so many kids on the planet. It's a man's need for control. In places where men want more control over the female population, you will see more kids, more population, just look at the map. 

Men have learned the hunting game. And now stuff like pua helps them even more. Most women are very naive and don't realize all this. They are not exposed to all this information on men. Women just fall in love and don't bother to study men. 

Men on the other hand bother less about falling in love and more about studying women. Why. Because it's easier to get the next catch. Men might try to convince you that all this shit is for evolutionary advantage, that they are guided by biological forces, then wouldn't it be nice if all the men with less stamina, less mental abilities or less overall leverage stopped dating and only allowed successful men to date. Wouldn't that be an evolutionary advantage. Because men don't do things for biological reasons as they say. They do it for themselves. Obviously they are not going to tell you the truth. They deliberately hold back a truth about themselves because they don't think it's their responsibility or obligation to tell you a truth. 

Always go for a truthful man. Always. He is 95 % better than most men and save you a lot of time and frustration. 

Bud was very manipulative. 

This was the month of May. It was 2015. 

I was sleeping with Bud in my bed. My mom wasn't home. She was spending time in the US on vacation to Florida. 

Bud had told me not to tell her that we were sexual in our relationship. He wanted me to pretend that it was a platonic relationship. 

I guess he was afraid of Mamma Bear. 

Bud woke up at 4 am. 

I decided that I need to fix breakfast for him. He had to leave for work in a while. 

So I made some coffee and some oatmeal and a cereal bowl. 

I kept it for him on the table. 

Then I hopped into the bed and just sat there looking at Bud while he was getting dressed. 

He started saying a few things. 

He said that his parents might find him a girl to get married to. Someone from their own culture. Me and Bud came from different states and so our cultures were different even though we both were Indians. This is difficult for people to understand but India is a cosmopolitan mix of different cultures. All Indians don't speak the same language. As per Google, currently there are 22 languages in India. 

I speak 3 out of these 22 languages. 

Each language basically means a different culture. 

There is a common culture for all these cultures but there are variations between each culture. 

Consider India like a big Europe. There is a common European culture yet the German culture will be slightly different from the French culture. 

In India you cannot afford to know only one language. You keep going from place to place. So you have to know the regional language to survive there. 

Me and Bud belonged to different languages. 


I did not know his language. He did not know my language. So the only language between us was English. 

In India language is a huge barrier and so it creates a whole lot of confusion. That's why Indians have decided that it's best to speak in English with each other. It solves a lot of problems. 

I never spoke to any of my boyfriend in any other language except English. For a good reason. My first boyfriend SHT did not understand my regional language. I did not understand his language or mother tongue. So our communication was through English. Same with Bud. Same with Joseph because Joseph was American so there was no other way to communicate with Joseph other than in English. And the same with Andrew 



Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


So I was sitting up in bed while watching Bud get dressed up for work. Meanwhile he began to say some things in a non chalant way. As if it was nothing. 


He said that his parents might find him a girl to get married to. From his own language and culture. 

Then he said, "well what can I do, if I have to marry, then I will have to marry her. I can't say no to my parents. Who can?" 


At first this new piece of information didn't seep into my head. I was foggy and just woken up. A bit listless and totally not ready to hear something new. I didn't take it the way it needed to be taken. Putting it more precisely, he didn't put it the way it needed to be put. He was being careful and manipulative. He was being difficult to read. 

He was making it look like it wasn't his fault. He didn't want this. But his parents are after it. They want him to get married, he can't help it yaada yaada. 

In reality his parents didn't even know that he was screwing me and neither did they talk about any marriage or anything. This was Bud's idea to gaslight me with wrong information, make it look like I have to accept whatever is inevitable and still keep a relationship with him for Love's sake. 

In short Bud was prepping me up for a future role. The role of a whore.. 

I will quote Leo here from a recent thread. Leo is so perfect in decoding psychopaths, it's unbelievable. 


The subtext of his decision that you are not properly reading is this: "I'm not happy with you. You're not the one for me. I want to go find other girls who are better for me."

That's really what he told you. He just sugarcoated it so that it doesn't break your heart and so that it appears justified in his mind. Don't forget, he must fool himself here too because otherwise he couldn't get away with such selfishness in his own mind.

Dating is a game, and both parties are trying to get the best they can get. He's looking for an upgrade but has to do it in way that won't make him feel like a total asshole.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this. It's some brutal truth.

Do not fool yourself with fantasies of trying to tame him, change him, or capture him for yourself. That will not work. Clearly he's not ready to commit to you. That doesn't fit your values, so you should seek a new man.

Leo knows how men can be. They can sugarcoat things to appear nice and sweet and harmless. Meanwhile if you begin to read between the lines, you are going to be opening a can of worms. 

Learn to read a man word by word, intent by intent. Well at least before it's too late. 



These days I carefully calibrate every word that a man speaks to me. I also try to read between the lines. I have realized that the last thing that you should take for granted are a man's words. Everything you ever wanted to know about a man is in his words. His words are him. You decode the words. You decode the man. 


Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


In short Bud was prepping me up for a future role. The role of a whore.. 

He was basically saying "I don't give a fuck about you. I am not sure if I will marry you. So be prepared for that outcome. And if I marry some other woman, you still need to be around as a mistress giving me sex. So be prepared for what's to come and accept it" 

Ofc he is not going to be so blunt about it. 


So after some time he left for work. 

I was just watching TV. That day I was on leave from work. So I was just sitting bored 

 It was 10 am. Bud was at work. The same place where I used to sit at work. The same room. 

We were a team of 10 people all men except me working in a large room on a floor. Our work was accountancy and we worked in that floor of the office building. 

So I was just watching TV when it hit me. 

Like what?? 

What did he just say???? 

Did he just tell me that he could marry another woman and not me? 

So who am I? 

I immediately called Bud. I didn't care if he was at work. I was mad with rage. My anger was explosive. This was the boiling point. I wanted to break the phone that's how mad I was. This guy had broken my most important boundary. The boundary of trust. I was absolutely faithful and loyal to him. I had marriage on my mind. I was telling my mom about it. I had my plans ready with this guy. I had slept with him several times. I wish I had a gun. I was that mad. 

He picked up my call. 

I started blasting and raging at him right after 

"what the heck is this all about? Who am I??? Huh? What the hell did you say in the morning? You told me that you are planning to marry some other girl? Are you playing with me? You tell me this after we are done having sex? What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think I am? A mistress? Right now. Right now. I need the answer right now. Right now. I don't want to hear excuses. 

He then replied 

"calm down. Just listen. Maybe we can talk later." 

"no right now. Right now or never."

"babs I might lose my job. The phones are not allowed here. They will record me talking to you. They will fire me for taking a personal call at work." 

"I don't care if you lose your job you bastard. I need my answer right now. Either you answer me now or I'm dumping you right now. I don't care what you do. I need my respect. I am not some whore. Do you get that. I thought you were a good man. Because that's what you showed to me. I even showed you to my mom you bastard, now tell me quick or lose me forever, what the hell did you mean when you said that in the morning. Huh?? "

Then he said that his manager is summoning him. Probably because the manager caught him using the phone which was against the work guidelines. I was mad and I didn't care. If I had a shotgun I would have fired a warning shot just to let him know what was to come. 

I wasn't gonna be treated like that and I wasn't gonna leave without answers. If he wanted to marry some pig, he could go do that, but he had to leave me the F alone but he had to leave me out of his drama.. I'm not some cheap toy that he is going to play with. 

I kept calling him nonstop except when he was with his manager. My patience was running thin.  I was having a violent temper that day. For the first time I felt that Bud betrayed my trust. When I'm in a relationship with a man, I'm absolutely and perfectly faithful and loyal. I don't even think about any other man, let alone marry another person while having a relationship. I find cheating the most disgusting act in a relationship. I don't take cheating lightly. Since I give so much of myself in a relationship I also expect the same loyalty and faithfulness in return. 

I was bugging Bud throughout the afternoon. I was calling him non stop out of sheer rage. If I'm in rage, it stays 24/7 until it calms down finally. The trigger has to be something strong because I don't make a deal about little things. So if I'm in rage, it's probably because something has hurt me deeply. Something that reminds me of something else. 

I had felt betrayed by SHT. I had felt used by SHT. I didn't want the same pattern to repeat again.. I was already traumatized by SHT. 

Now I didn't want to played by this loser broke guy that I begun to trust only because he put such effort in winning my trust. 

Why do men even do this? Don't try to win a woman's trust if you are not planning to be faithful to her. Just don't play games with her head. You might gonna have to pay. 

I was never gonna date this guy because he wasn't in my league. He was too much of a sore loser to belong to my league. I was rich, successful, beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent, smart, more educated than him, more in every respect than him. And what was he. A broke loser who never wanted anything in life except a pathetic low paying job and a group of friends who will always have pity on him. Why was I with him? 

When we met for the first time in a park, he told me that he couldn't dream of getting a girl like me. I had just brushed it off and told him that he doesn't have to feel that way, nobody is really too good. But maybe he was right. I was too good for him 


It was evening. I called Bud again. He kept begging me not to call him. I wasn't having any of it. I was straight up ignoring whatever he said. 

Although I might appear meek and sweet most of the time, I can give someone a real hard time if I'm incensed. The tiger mode in me gets switched and I become a fiesty tigress when I'm in this mode and nobody crosses me during this phase. I get very competitive. I respect authenticity. So if a man straight up tells me whats on his mind, it would help to calm me or else I can go to any length and make him really miserable. A lot of men take me granted because they think I'm too sweet and goody goody. But that's just me being me when I am calm and decent. It doesn't mean that I don't have respect or I will let the person do anything they want. I have a warrior heart. I normally never get angry. But when I'm angry there is a purpose to it. 

Bud started to calm me down. Because he realized for the first time who I was. He had never seen this side of me. I was very caring and loving to him. I had never gotten mad or angry at him. I was like a sweet Swan in the lake. Always very graceful around him. He was absolutely stunned. He was fumbling with his words. He began to stutter as he spoke. I could sense the fear in his voice. Fear is what I wanted. 

He said to me that he really didn't mean it that way. This was Bud's way of Gaslighting me. Bud would always say  something that he really meant the way he said it, later when I would confront him on what he said, he would start back pedaling realizing what was at stake and realizing that I had caught the gist, he would immediately realize that he had made a mistake and accidently blurted out the truth, so now he would carefully manipulate the intent and the meaning of what he said at first. 

This was always his way. He would start of by saying "hey, babs, I'm not trying to be offensive and please don't take it too serious, but I will say this only if you don't take it to heart." and then he would say something really disgusting. Something odd and off putting. I really think that Bud was a psychopath who would always try to gauge my reaction beforehand to see how morally strong or weak I was, just to see what I would get offended by, to know in advance what mistakes to avoid. 

I feel that Bud was always thinking his words in advance. Everything was an act. Asking me a few questions was just Bud's way of testing me beforehand so that he wouldn't say anything that went against my moral code and that way he could always put on a show and be on the same moral plane as me. 

Bud was the smartest guy I dated, the most opportunistic and also the most cunning. His manipulative tactics were very strong and he used to go the extra mile to manipulate me. Towards the end of the relationship in June 2017, I had grown miserable and almost mentally drained and incapacitated by Bud's constant manipulation and Gaslighting. 

I remember having a nervous breakdown in November 2016 because Bud wouldn't stop Gaslighting me. 






Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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So I called Bud again in the evening and told him to cut the bullshit and tell me his marriage plans because I don't want to be played again. 

Bud then told me to calm down and that he really wanted to marry me. That he just said it. Those were simply words and not his intentions. He told me that he will be with me forever. That he would never leave my side. That he would never cheat on me or betray me. 

Now I kinda calmed down after he said that he really wanted to marry me. 

Bud kept blackmailing me that he was going to lose his job that day because of my behavior. That it was really happening. They were going to get him fired. He was broke. He had nowhere else to go. 

I really believed his nonsense and I immediately apologized and told him how much I loved him. He then acted like he was forgiving me and doing me a favor by forgiving me. 

Two days later I thought that he must have lost his job. I figured out from someone in the office that the manager never called him. Bud was never going to lose his job. It was all his lying and Gaslighting to make me feel guilty. 

Bud would lie even about the smallest things. I don't know why he would do this. Why he needed to lie about very simple things. 

I would catch him in his lies later and he would fabricate more lies to cover up his past lies. Stories upon stories. I was gradually getting fed up with his lies 

Bud was very self righteous and stubborn. Everything had to be his way. Everything had to be my fault. Even though he was broke, his ego was huge. Bud was a big drama queen and a beta cuck. 

He had his own ways of throwing a fit and acting offended and playing victim over petty things. 

Bud would disagree with me just for the sake of disagreement. He had no sense of pride or shame. 

Bud had no problem with asking money from people. It was a routine thing for him to rely on others for his financial needs at the expense of his self respect. He wouldn't care to return the money. The only thing he had mastered was to play victim, get people to sympathize with him. So he would generally give some made up reason or story why he couldn't return the money that people gave him. 


In some ways, Bud was like a con artist. He knew how to play with people's minds and get them to believe his stories. 


Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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The chapter of Mr Bud. 


So Bud called me one day and said he was in distress and that he needed immediate financial help. He was in a city and he needed to travel home to the city where we both worked and that he didn't have the funds to travel. 

"I don't know whether I should ask you or not but I need $100 for my travel. I don't have any money. I have nobody to ask. I decided to ask you. It's ok if you don't have, you don't have to give me." 

I told him I'm giving him, and I proceeded to withdraw $100 from my bank account. Bud was constantly interrupting me while carrying out this transaction. He was constantly saying" no no no, you don't have to. You really don't have to. Maybe I can manage. I don't want to trouble you. Maybe I should not ask you. Because you will blame me later for having asked you to lend me money....... " his lecture went on and on while I'm making the transaction and I told him to just shut up and stop bothering. I knew he was trying to gaslight me. He wasn't trying to say that it was okay and I shouldn't help him. He was trying to save his pride while asking for money. That's how manipulative he was. 

He would bring up past shit to victimize and re-victimize me. 

After I transferred $100 to his bank account which I did immediately upon his request, he kept bugging me by saying that I would blame him later. Again trying to gaslight me. Trying to make me look bad, make me look wrong, place unnecessary blame on me, creating scenarios that didn't exist or weren't likely to happen. 

This Gaslighting went on for 2 days. I was completely stressed out. I was thinking in my head. That first of all I have to help this guy out financially and on top of it also get blamed and gaslighted by him. This was ridiculous. 

2015 September. I was suicidal after a fight with my family. Not over Bud. My family always thought Bud was a nice guy. Nobody really thought Bud was bad. Such was his game. He would convince everyone like a perfect con. 

Bud would have made an excellent car salesman. A snake oil salesman. 


Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

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