Preety_India

My name is Preety, not Pretty !!

417 posts in this topic

 

???? Spaceship Visualization ????

 

I can't imagine how people manage under zero gravity. How must it feel to be in there with no gravity to hold you. 

It gives me the tickles. Just floating around in space. Imagine if the window opened and you climbed out of the window and what's gonna happen to you. How would you feel in outer space. 

I just get all these goosebumps over my body simply imagining being in outer space 

But If I'm there, I think I'm gonna feel cool. It will feel like a nice pleasant feeling being away from all the stress of living among people and all the pollution and drama and all politics of human existence. Free from social pressure and social worries. Free from thoughts of relationships and status and career. Free from all the rules. 

Just pure freedom. Just freely floating in nothingness and appreciating the beauty of being alive. 

Nice and free. What a pleasant dream! 

 

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 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? Shades of my ex ???

 

If you love me for my flaws then you really love me. 

 

Or else you don't. 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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Sometimes I am conflicted between Joseph and Andrew. Both American white men. 

One was very unkind, abusive and sometimes racist. 

And the other is so caring and gentle and loving. 

Joseph is an ex and an ass.. 

Andrew is my present and a good man. 

When I compare both of them, I see so many different shades of character and so many different shades of love. 

One toxic.. One fulfilling. 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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I will be writing shades of both 

Because my purging is not yet complete. 

So I'll start a separate segment for each of the men who were and are in my life. 

Joseph was my past but his memories have traumatized me.. 

Andrew is my present and my future whose love is healing me. 

I'll be writing 

Shades of Joseph to purge my feelings and venting my hurt about Joseph and how I felt in my relationship with him. 

And Shades of Andrew and how I feel currently in my relationship with him. 

Both men cut from a different cloth. 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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Joseph was someone I met in the US in Seattle when I was briefly living in the US for my work. 

I met him in a supermarket while grocery shopping and he was very chatty with me. And he wouldn't let go. He was older than me. This was in 2017 when I met him. 

 

I'm going to separate my life into 3  parts here. 

"The context of my life" 

The context of my childhood 

The context of my relationships with men 

The context of my complex Personality 

 

The context of my childhood has already been discussed here and there in my different journals. 

Even the context of my relationships have been discussed at length in different posts. 

The context of my Personality has been discussed in depth in this journal "My name is Preety and not Pretty" 

 

But I would like rehash all of these together since they are all very scattered so I see pieces here and there 

I will bring them together under one banner here and call it the context of my life 

 

 

This all is going to be a bit long and exhausting. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? The context of my childhood ???

 

I went through a lot of trauma in childhood and also a lot of abuse in 3 abusive relationships. All of my 3 exes were abusive. The 2nd ex was extremely abusive and controlling. I was very close to death in that relationship that's when I broke it when I was admitted in the emergency ward. My liver had ruptured as a result of the continuous abuse of the relationship. That's when I decided to end it. 

This was in late in 2017. By December 2017, I met Joseph and I thought that I had found the love of my life. I was in recovery from liver damage when I found Joseph. 

The next two years went like a roller coaster and Joseph was extremely violent and abusive which I had no inkling of at first. He was very sweet in the beginning. I went through extensive trauma during this period where I slashed my wrist in the month of October 2018 where he was having a tensed argument with me and talked about breaking up with me. I flew in a rage because I felt exploited by him and immediately grabbed a knife and slashed myself. That's when he cooled down but he continued to threaten me.. From then on, it was a very on off relationship that I discussed at much length in the dating section. This was November 2019. That was probably my sixth attempt at breaking up with Joseph and I stopped talking to him at that time. 

I thought I had broken up with him but once again in January 2020 we started talking again so once again the abuse continued. 

It was finally March 13, 2020 that I was able to escape the relationship. I finally ended things with him for good. 

My first ex was also abusive but I ended that relationship in only 6 months. 

My childhood was brutal. I used to run away from home many many times. 

I made a successful attempt to run away from home at age 14. But I was brought back to my abusive mom. She was very violent and abusive with me. 

I started cutting myself early on to cope with her neglect and abuse 

My first suicide attempt was at 18. I tried to burn myself. But I was rescued by my family. 

I was considered a high risk for suicide and kept on suicide watch. 

My second suicide attempt was when I was 21 and I was unable to escape my abusive mother 

So one day I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and cut my wrists. I had extensive bleeding and hospitalization. 

My dad wouldn't stand up to my mom's abuse because he was being abused as well 

Still my dad helped me in trying to cope with the abuse 

I finally broke free just a few years ago, so now I live in a rented apartment but it's not easy. I have to sometimes take my mom to a psychiatrist frequently because she suffers mental breakdowns. 

My mom suffered from bipolar disorder for a very long time. That explains her violent and abusive behavior towards my dad and me 

She still suffers her bipolar episodes and she recently stopped her medication. The last time I visited her, just a month ago, she was very violent with me and I sustained some injuries after her attack. 

I was very traumatized as a child by her violence and abuse and that caused to seek refuge in relationships with men but these men turned out to be abusers as well. 

I noticed that whenever I opened up to my boyfriends about my mother's abuse, they would slowly change and become abusive towards me. It was as if they wanted to put fuel in the fire, instead of trying to help me out, they saw me as a opportunity to perpetrate their abuse on me 

After a long struggle and numerous suicide attempts and realizations, I finally got some freedom. 

I'm not completely free because I still have this dysfunctional bonding with my mother. I'm her caregiver. She is usually sick.. So I have to constantly take her to the hospital. 

I forgave her but sometimes I lash out at her for the stuff she put me through. 

It's a very dysfunctional estranged relationship that I share with my mother. I rarely talk about it to anyone. 

I try to do my duty as a daughter and take care of her in whatever way I can. 

But it is difficult for me to have feelings of love for my mother because of all the trauma 

I understand that her bipolar condition has been responsible for her physically and emotionally abusive behavior but at the same time all the trauma and abuse she put me through took a toll on my physical and mental health. So it's kinda hard for me to sympathize her 

I have to take care of her and her sickness and be there for her despite knowing that she is my abuser. This is a bit tough for me. 

I have to show love and care to a person who I trusted and who abused me all my life. This has created intense mental conflict in me.

Despite all the self destructive behavior and trauma I went through, I always felt that I had a certain degree of duty  towards my mom. I never forsake her 

After all she is my mom, even if she was the most horrible mom, the person responsible for all of my troubles and trauma, I sometimes let it go. But exactly when I let it go is when she gets more violent. 

I have been having some peace since being away from her. But whenever there is a doctor's appointment, I have to be with her and during times when she needs my help. 

I try to heal from alll the garbage I had to go through. I felt severely neglected as a child.. All of that could explain my chaotic behavior. My family was always dysfunctional. 

The earliest memory of abuse and violence is when I was 7 years old. 

There was not a single day that was free from the dysfunction.. 

I never knew what order or routine felt like. Everyday was a very uncertain day not knowing what to expect and what she would do. She would do anything. 

We as a family didn't know at the time that she was mentally ill. She was severely mentally ill. But my dad used to dismiss her behavior as mood swings and put up with her. My dad used to always be at work, he was a workaholic so there was no way for him to know the extent of the psychological damage happening to me at the hands of my mom. 

So overall I went through a very painful childhood and the trauma of 3 abusive failed relationships weighed heavily on me. 

I just hope that my future won't be so bad as my past. 

And I plan on healing myself completely from this garbage past. 

??????

 

My self esteem issues arising from Childhood Trauma 

 

I have always found myself struggling with self esteem issues. (Some of these arise from my childhood where I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough or that I didn't deserve anything). 

I still carry some of the baggage even as an adult. I get a deep sense of vulnerability and fear when I open up to people about myself. 

I constantly suffer from the feeling like I'm not good enough or I don't deserve anything whether it's love or happiness or any sort of praise or encouragement. 

 

(I don't have any self esteem issues regarding my appearance or body because I look good and many people tell me that. My self esteem issues are related to self worth, existence, identity, work, relationship related) 

 

My self respect is high. But my self esteem is low. That is I suffer from feelings of inadequacy or I don't know the word for this, it's un-deservedness, if there is such a word or similar to it. The feeling that I might be inherently lacking something or not deserving because of the lack. 

Like I'm not good enough or others deserve better than me and a feeling of self sabotage or self doubt 

When I say what I'm not afraid to say out loud, it's just me  being dignified and authentic about my expression and straightforward-ness. 

I can describe it as a feeling of melancholic self pity, or self-destructive feelings,

Thoughts like "anyway I'm doomed" "nobody should love me" or "everything is my fault" even if I know that it wasn't my fault. 

Living in self - misery and being masochistic about it. 

 And thinking "it's okay, I anyways deserved it." 

This is the best way I can describe my states of mind or feelings. 

 

 I have very high self respect. I don't even talk to people who are disrespectful. 

But there is a clear distinction between self respect and self esteem.. 

My self respect is high. But my self esteem is low. That is I suffer from feelings of inadequacy or I don't know the word for this, it's un-deservedness, if there is such a word or similar to it. The feeling that I might be inherently lacking something or not deserving because of the lack. 

Like I'm not good enough or others deserve better than me and a feeling of self sabotage or self doubt 

When I say what I'm not afraid to say out loud, it's just me  being dignified and authentic about my expression and straightforward-ness. 

I can describe it as a feeling of melancholic self pity, or self-destructive feelings,

Thoughts like "anyway I'm doomed" "nobody should love me" or "everything is my fault" even if I know that it wasn't my fault. 

Living in self - misery and being masochistic about it. 

 And thinking "it's okay, I anyways deserved it." 

This is the best way I can describe my states of mind or feelings. 

 

Growing up when I was 7 years old my mom wouldn't hug me or alienate me. I started to depend on her affection or validation or acceptance. 

But things got worse. She became abusive with time and when I was 12 years old, she would repeatedly tell me statements like "I should have aborted you" "you shouldn't have been born", "you are the mistake of my life, you'll never amount to anything" "you are worthless, you just can't do it"... She stopped hugging me and would never bring me close. In fact when I got very good grades she would say "that's not a big thing".. This is not an indian culture thing because kids in my neighborhood and classroom were treated very opposite by their moms. They were loved, hugged and constantly praised and encouraged by their moms. I used to feel very strange looking at their moms interacting with them and then comparing it to how my mom treated me in contrast. I would try very hard to earn my mother's respect and attention and praise but she would never let me. Over time in my teens I began to internalize this as "this must be my fault, maybe I am not good enough, that's why my mom doesn't love me", I began to carry an inner sense of guilt and blame that somehow I am the reason why she can't love me. I would get feelings like "why even bother to try, you are anyways a failure, your mom has already proved that" this feeling would come to me like an inner voice from the back of my head, warning me that whatever I do, my shadows will defeat me. 

It became like a self defeating cycle. Over time I became too defensive and I constantly engaged in pumping my ego to escape these thoughts. I did positive affirmations to retrain my brain to believe that I'm good enough, that I'm better. I have done a decent job of propping myself on my own in the absence of family support. 

But I Still struggle a lot. Like if someone pays me a compliment, it doesn't affect me at all. I don't feel like I respond to any kind of praise. I don't feel like it makes any difference because deep down what mattered to me is what my mom thinks, and not what the world thinks. 

But since I never got that validation from her, what others said or said not, didn't matter. 

Although this might appear very childish because of my age, like complaining about my mom at this age, I still feel like not getting that acceptance or love from her burned a permanent hole in my psyche. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? The context of my complex personality ???

 

 

My name is Preety. A lot of people who pmed me kept referring to me as Pretty. I guess they had a confusion. So just letting you guys know. 

Also my name has nothing to do with the word pretty. 

My name in my language means "connection." 

Preety is pronounced the same way you would say Sweetie or Tweety. 

 I will use this journal in a more autobiographical sense and  it will also cover some of my meditation insights. 

 

I wish I could just sink into nothingness. 

But then there is always this needy me, the need for getting love and  acceptance in any community is pretty strong for me, especially since the constant feeling of abandonment and neglect I experienced as a child. But whatever. 

I will think that the mountains are accepting me. Done deal. 

Nature can give more where humanity fails. 

And I'm such a strong soul. Do I ever give up? 

If I ever became a mother, my child will never feel unloved or abandoned, not the way I was raised, nope, I will shower my child with utmost care and love unconditionally, be the mama bear mother, my spirit will stay with by loved ones even if my body doesn't.. 

There is an innate quality to the spirit that nobody can rob.. 

I have come so far out of so much negativity thrown at me as a child, I conquered everything, whenever my mother thought that I was a nobody, I showed I was somebody. 

No child has to feel abandoned, lonely and unloved or undeserving by the mother. That's the worst way to raise a child.. 

My mother had already decided that I was the unwanted child. But I wasn't gonna give up. 

I have been fiercely loyal to all those I care about, to all those I love. Often times to my own detriment, because they would betray me. Later it would hurt like a stab. Imagine helping a person so much only for that person to call you a bitch and walk away completely abandoning you. Realizing that you did so much to help someone and they turn out to be grateful. And leave you when you need them. You get reminded of how shitty humanity is. 

I AM A LONEWOLF... I HAVE always known this. I was always a LONEWOLF. I used to sit alone on a bench.. I fucking did everything on my own. Not one help. Every little thing on my own. 

I fought for myself like a lion when everyone went against me. I proved them wrong when they decided things for me. 

My entire life was up until now a fight... A fight to live in a cutthroat world.... 

A fight against my own family. 

A fight to prove that I'm worth it. 

Nothing was ever served to me. 

I earned every single feather.  

Sometimes I feel like the only person who stood for me was me. 

I used to write a diary even as a child. 

I remember when I was 16, my diary entry was somewhat like 

"Who will be there for me across that bridge?" who will be there for me all along? 

I think I could sense betrayal even as a 16 year old. 

I knew at the back of my mind that my life was always going to be lonely, even if I had people around me, they would only be a facade, they will love me but it will be fake, that the person who will truly be around me when I need someone will only be me.  I used to get creepy vibes knowing  this but I also knew that this was the truth. 

 

 

   So who is Preety? 

 

I'm a complex person. A product of my circumstances but also a product of my own intuition and feelings. One thing if you need to know about my personality is that I am Fierce and Deep. 

I am a very serious and deep person. All the light heartedness, the emojis, all the laugh or funny stuff you see is only a way to not come across as too deep or intense. I can go from one minute of feeling very petty and laughing to another where my crying or sadness can be so strong that you would not want to be around me.. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. That means I wear my emotions on my sleeve. My writing can sometimes come across as very emotional since I'm an emotional person. 

I hate being cold. I hate anything cold. If I ever appear cold that's my introversion showing. That's me being guarded and reserved. 

 

I was always shy and reserved at school. 

This version of me that you see is the one that has arrived at after many metamorphoses and incarnations. I grew a bit out of that shy nature. 

But not much. I still carry that childhood shyness and reserved nature. 

I am very serious. A lot of people misunderstand me. I like to be courteous and polite. So it's my need for courtesy that makes me look friendly. But in reality I'm not as friendly as I may appear. The outward friendliness is only a mask I need to wear to keep my inner self away from people. 

You have to understand introverts. Introverts don't like to show people their inner struggles or problems or their thoughts. Yes I do wear my emotions on my sleeve but I'm also good at masking them. I don't feel the need to show it to people. This is the reason why introverts hardly open up or are hard to be made to open up 

I simply shut myself when personal questions are asked. Notice that my communication is always about something, but I hardly talk about my inner self. That's an introvert. Any conversation that needs me to open up, I immediately recoil. Introverts are never comfortable in engaging their selves with the world. They have a certain fear, a certain guardedness, a certain need to be left alone. 

I have enjoyed solitude in the past. I enjoy it even now. Some people in my family have always asked me how I could be so happy just being alone. 

Like my extrovert counterparts, I don't need to have someone to feel happy. I can be happy by myself. I always find something to be happy about. I am not a chatterbug, so I become your friend I will hardly ever talk. This behavior is in complete contrast with my outer personality. Because most people at first glance find me very sweet sweet and polite, social and gentle. They get attracted to me and want to be friends. But when I don't become friends with them, they feel very strange. 

My inner self is different than the outer self. If I showed my inner self all the time, my conversations with people might get boring and I will always carry a sense of embarrassment all the time, to avoid the iciness, I try being funny and social. But I maintain the distance. So people only get a glimpse of me. 

They think what they see is me. No that's just an outer "hi hello, how are you, you're welcome" outer self of me being courteous for the sake of courtesy. 

A lot of people try to get intimate with me just thinking that I'm must be very loving if I'm so polite. 

They later get confused when I don't respond the same way I did the first time. 

When they don't get to be intimate with me, that's where they see my true self. 

I'm a very raw introvert. So keeping to myself is my fundamental nature. 

 I enjoy being this quite shy silent person. Because the inner me is deep and serious. 

In always thinking about deeper things in life. 

 

Often times I don't come across as loving. 

Like once my boyfriend was offended that I wasn't being warm enough, because I wasn't saying anything when he was having a bad day. I was just quiet. He is a bit of an extrovert. So he found it cold and strange. 

Actually it's not that. I am deep, sensitive but I don't always show in an intimate setting. I'm extremely loving and caring and deeply caring inside. It's just that I don't like to show it often. The feelings are not very open but they are deep.. I probably don't know the best way to show that I'm loving and caring but inside me I'm always loving that person on a much deeper level, more than that person would ever know.. 

 

One of the reasons why I am such a complex person is because I'm a combination personality. It's some traits mixed with others. This makes me dynamic. And also difficult for people to assess who I really am

What does a combination personality mean? Now this is what it means. I am an introvert. But I also have moments where I wear my emotions on my sleeve. This gives a false appearance that I am this hot headed girl ready to bark at anyone and gets angry and messy. Actually those are just fleeting moments. Moments that are expressed due to a trigger. I'm not this hot tempered girl walking around just ready to snap at someone. I'm very cool and peaceful. I like this  shy peaceful nature.. 

That hot headedness is just those emotions getting the better of me. They sometimes win their day by robbing my peace. 

??

 I don't usually respond to pm because I find it more personal. Because of my introvertedness, I tend to feel awkward in pm conversations. So I never pm anyone much. 

It's okay to have conversations with me in this journal. It's open to comments and scrutiny. 

And regarding your question. 

I'm a combination of INTP and INFP

 

 

So my personality summation is as follows 

 

  • INTP AND INFP 
  • HIGH INTROVERSION 
  • HSP - HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON 
  • EMPATH 
  • SUN SIGN PISCES AND MOON SIGN GEMINI 
  • PERSONALITY OF A STAR - A MIX OF SUN AND MOON TRAITS
  • I am also some bit of INFJ - T

 

My expression and interests

 

Writing and painting have always been my key favorite interests throughout my life. 

I can't get enough of either. 

But spirituality also has a due place in my life. I like starting my day with spirituality. That's why the early morning meditation. 

For me nearly and almost everything has to be spiritual. I don't know why but my heart is deeply in love with spirituality since childhood. I used to collect books on spiritual stuff, I used to love reading books on Reincarnation, mysticism, paranormal phenomena, these things have shaped my personality over the years. 

I have admired Ian Stevenson (if I remember his name correctly) greatly, he was in some ways a pioneer in this research. 

Over the last few years, I've spent time watching numerous documentaries on spirituality and mysticism. 

I have studied ancient cultures. 

My appetite for such inquisitiveness is voracious as is reflected in many of my journals. 

??

 

I always feel like I am speaking in a retrospective kind of way. Like my life is a blur and it has already passed by. Like I already lived my whole life and died and rose back again, like a voice from my  grave, I speak again of a life that was over before it could begin. 

The pain insurmountable. 

 

The other thing that I've always felt is that.......

I always had this feeling like I'm an ancient soul that traveled very far into time and went through multiple Reincarnations to reach who I am today. 

These Reincarnations were restless attempts of my soul to make peace with myself and my loved ones and something that always ate me inside was this never ending journey to find my soulmate. 

That I always yearned in mourning waiting forever for my soulmate to become one with me. 

 

I've felt a powerful sense of connection with ancient cultures and people. I feel they died but their death wasn't in vain and they always wanted to leave a message to their successors 

 

This separation helps me 

 

 

It seems like I'm finally coming to peace with myself in this birth and my journey will be complete. 

 

 

 

 

???

In short these emotional issues were abuse that I suffered from my bipolar mother for a huge part of my childhood. 

Second is dealing with her bipolar disorder as her caregiver. I am her primary caregiver. So it's difficult to deal with her  disorder. And caring for her can be challenging. 

Third is my breakup that happened on March 13 this year.. Freedom from an abusive relationship that began in late 2017. This relationship had damaged my health and given me a lot of emotional stress. 

Now I'm in a relationship with a guy whose name is Andrew. Andrew is an American guy living here. I met him at a meditation retreat. It's an interracial relationship between me, an Indian and him an American white guy. Andrew supported me emotionally during the time I was trying to break up with my ex. 

So it's a combination of childhood abuse trauma, having to deal with an uncooperative and tough family, and the impact of the past abusive relationship I ended. 

I'm an introvert 

It's both difficult, complicated and comfortable being an introvert. 

 

Introverts have a huge chemical buildup in their brains. Their brains are different chemically from extroverts. Introverts constantly produce chemicals that stimulate their senses and brains. That's why a lot of introverts are highly intelligent people. But the buildup of these chemicals also makes introverts nervous, anxious, frustrated, agitated and often over stimulated. The last thing they want is another stimulation. They are easily able to entertain themselves because of their overly sensitive brains. 

Extroverts on the other hand have average or less buildup of chemicals and are therefore not that sensitive to outside stimulation. They need more to feel stimulated. So even if they are In a huge crowd with lots of sensory overdose extroverts are comfortable with sensory load. 

 

Other thing that introverts suffer from is a certain kind of Neurotic tension because of overly sensitive nervous system. So they immediately get impacted by even a minor change in the expression of the listener's face. Introverts are thinking all sorts of things in their minds. This neurosis causes them to feel extra sensitive to any form of judgement or hate. They get very anxious even by the mere thought that someone will judge their behavior. In order to escape this tension, they develop defensive behavior in early childhood. They learn how to put on a mask to impress people but keep their inner feelings hidden. The reason is with the mask they feel more protected. They feel safe because with the mask nobody will judge them. But if they tell their true feelings, their greatest fear can come true. 

As they grow, they become an expert at hiding, masking and not opening up. Their feelings always remain hidden and this can sometimes become dangerous for them because it leads to emotional stress and inability to cope with inner pain which is hidden. 

They feel the need to open up but the fear puts a lid on it. Every time they feel to open up, the fear of judgement comes up and they go back and decide not to open up. They start to feel better not opening up because they don't have to deal with the fear anymore. This creates a temporary comfort zone that can last for many years. Once the comfort zone is created in their minds they will less likey want to break it. At the same time when they want to open up, they are looking for trust. They want to feel safe if they really feel like opening up. But they can't trust a lot of people because experience with most people has taught them that people will break their trust. Once an incident happens where trust is broken, they become further confirmed in their decision to not open up. However if they find a trustworthy person who has gained their trust with constant love and support over a considerable period of time, they begin to trust this person and open up to this person. 

They live their lives without trusting people and avoid people most of the time because of the lack of trust and only keep a very small number of friends who have successfully gained their trust and confidence. 

Introverts will never trust a stranger and will display weird behavior with them out of fear and suspicion. The stranger in turn will find such behavior very weird, even rude, and stop talking to the introvert. This is not the introvert's fault. They are only operating from fear and stress. However the stranger will misunderstand them and so will many people. 

The introvert might suddenly block the stranger from communication or leave a rude reply or not reply at all, thinking that this behavior will throw the stranger away, this way the introvert will feel safe. 

The process of gaining the trust of an introvert is very complicated. It very much depends on the point of contact. If the stranger or new person's first behavior is a critical remark or negative comment, this will be like a sword poking into the introvert and the introvert will immediately block the stranger in his mind. The introvert has already decided not to trust this person. Therefore the first few impressions are important to gain the trust of the introvert. Sometimes even this can fail if the introvert is not mentally ready to trust anyone.. 

If the introvert has suffered any form of abuse, or negativity, criticism, hate in their childhood or bullying in school, then their introversion will become extreme in adulthood and they will act very defensive and extra sensitive around people. Because past memory has taught them that people are not to be trusted and avoided. They will go to great lengths to avoid people. Such attempts will look bizzare and abnormal to extroverts but for introverts it's a defense and coping mechanism against further negativity. 

Because of all these confusing defensive behaviors, introverts mostly get misunderstood a lot. 

So it's difficult being an introvert. 

Also being an introvert becomes a failed mission. Most introverts are trying to hide and block people and avoid attention but this very strange behavior becomes counter productive and people actually start giving them more attention because of their strange behavior. This causes tremendous frustration in the introvert as they don't want that attention but they also can't control their behavior of avoiding people. 

??

I'm a very chaotic, (all around the place), highly curious, random and scattered brained kind of a person. Don't expect discipline in me. Disciplining a mad horse will be easier than disciplining me. 

I can't help who I am no matter how vagrant, ill-disciplined and weird I tend to come across as, even my family intensely hates me for my lack of discipline, but I have come to embody the spirit of "be yourself" anthem since this is my only option of accepting myself. 

Trying to change myself will lead to me placing myself in an eternal zone of discomfort and this can turn into a tragedy. 

So I'll let me be myself. 

??

One constant theme in my life that I will continue for the rest of my life is 

Be true to yourself. 

I can't stress this enough. Do you see like a teacher archetype in me? Like a philosopher cum advocate. That's where I thought that certain bits of my personality match parts of the INFJ-T type. 

Sometimes the advocate in me takes the back seat.. 

How do I live such a complicated life if you ask me? 

The simple answer is I don't know. 

??

Intimacy issues resulting from my introversion 

My life purpose is not very grounded. Currently I have just started Leo's life purpose course. 

My job is event management and financial investment and I'm doing a pretty good job at it. So I don't need to strive for money. That side is sorted out for now. 

I like to help people a lot, especially when it comes to psychology. And I'm currently taking interest in this area. 

The thing is I'm prone to a particular problem. I'm not a very social person.   I lack intimacy. The moment people get too close to me, I say CUT. I can't help it. I'm a shy introvert. At the same time, people enjoy my company but I don't really enjoy their company or intimacy. I keep my distance. Yet I like to help people from far. 

like connecting with them in a more emotional way, chatting with them in a personal way, I suck at it. I just don't do it or avoid it completely. A lot of people feel pissed off because of my distant behavior. 

I don't see the necessity in being personal. 

I just like to keep to myself. 

 

Risks I took so far in my life. 

I'm 27 years old. 

 

I once transferred my whole bank account into a financial investment. 

Couldn't sleep for 3 days. Because of s some technical error both my bank account (because of zero balance) and my investment account were locked. I had some cash with me  to survive for a week. I kept calling my bank and my investment company constantly throughout the week out of sheer panic and they weren't able to fix it. 

I thought I had lost all my savings. But eventually they were able to sort out the issue and transfer 50% of it into my bank account but the rest was lost in trades. 

That's the greatest financial risk I have taken so far for my investment business. 

The other risks I took are 

 

Religious or social risk. 

I took the risk of telling my family 10 years ago when I was 17 that I wanted to be a Christian. They were not approving of it. I converted to Christianity against their will

But they were about to out me completely at some point. Also my social circle at that time wasn't happy with my decision. So I risked losing everyone for my quest for Christianity. I did it anyway. I lost some friends but I remained firm. 

The other risk was getting over my phobia of the dark. And I have finally succeeded. This took many years. 

 

Job risk

I was working in an investment company a few years ago and the schedule was brutal. Working for more than 10 hours a day and low pay. It started to impact my health pretty bad. I decided to confront my boss about the pay and cruel working hours. I stood up to my boss who threatened me that I would lose my job. Guess what. I lost that job. I left that job and got another one. 

 

Second job. 

In this job I was facing discrimination from a female boss. It was an all male project team and I was the only female. She was my boss but she was sabotaging my work probably some jealous issues because I was doing better than most guys there. Some of the guys then started harassing me at work and stealing my work, hacking into my emails. These guys would butter up the female boss to win her favor. I didn't believe in buttering up a boss but in honest hard work and excellence.. I confronted my female boss with all the harassment the males were subjecting me to, but instead of being supportive she dismissed me with the threat I'd get fired. She then transferred to me an unrelated department where the work was bad, pay was less and I had no experience in that department. I quit because of all the office politics and took up another job in an event management company that i work with now. And I'm very happy I took the risk of quitting a mentally and physically unhealthy job. 

 

Relationship Risk

I'm currently in a relationship with an American white man. This is an interracial relationship. My family is not very supportive of it. But I take the risk nevertheless. I live my life on my own terms. 

 

Family risk

Confronting my Bipolar mother 

I confronted my bipolar mother early this year to get therapy and medication. I knew that it would lead to a violent confrontation between her and me. And I'm terribly scared of her. Yet I decided to tell her the truth anyway.. Since then she has been reflecting on it and I have managed to convince her and take her to a few appointments before the Corona. 

So those are all the risks I have taken and I continue to take some of them.

 

Challenges I faced in life till now 

 

I can say a lot 

Not in terms of number but in terms of intensity 

 

1 Childhood abuse and Trauma 

 

2 Health Issues 

 

3 Self Esteem issues 

 

4  a total of 3 Abusive Toxic Relationships 

 

5 PTSD, anxiety and depression 

 

6 Being a primary caregiver to a bipolar mother. Although I don't live with her, I live very close to her in the next block and I have to constantly take care of her needs and deal with her outbursts. 

???

 

If I have to describe myself 

My main qualities or traits are 

 

I'm very loving 

 

Very empathetic and sensitive and emotional 

 

I'm true to myself... I speak my mind 

 

Purpose driven 

 

I'm extremely faithful 

These are my major strengths or qualities.

 

The above 5 sentences define my personality and character. At least this is my self observation.

The other qualities that are moderately in me are

Deep thinker 

Inquisitive 

Passionate 

I demand respect and dignity 

I believe in diligence 

Openness and Open mindedness

???

 

My opinions on sex. 

 

Sex is the primordial. The energy. 

I use sexual energy daily to get my motivation. I don't need to watch porn or anything like that. But yea, masturbation can be a part of it. 

I call it tantric energy. 

It's the creative force. 

Sexual force is more powerful than any other motivating force in the world. 

Imagine if your lover told you to do something. You'd do it instantly because it's central to your life. 

Sexual energy is like a spell. 

When wantonly used for mindless masturbation to porn or for Promiscuity, you waste it away for nothing but instant pleasure and tiredness. It kinda becomes counter productive because you tire yourself out and some people lose interest in sex because of over doing it, they get bored. 

Instead it can be used efficiently to motivate yourself, so no need to no fap and all the associated complex guilt but use it to your advantage by using it to motivate yourself to be a better matured person.. 

Now I'll say there are better uses for sex than entertainment of the body parts and dopamine release 

These are 

1 Sex used for procreation which is the fundamental use of sex. This is obvious. 

2 Sex for calming negative energy, growing intimacy and having a positive relationship with the opposite gender. Growing loving feelings. 

3 Sex for tantric energy for daily motivation. Using it as a motivating creative force. Sexual energy is the primordial energy 

4 Sex can be used to heal inner repression that came from trauma or by negative input during teenage years. For example in catholic systems or cults, there could be a demonization of sex leading to psychological issues. Such people can feel uncomfortable or just hate society and life knowing that everything is rooted in sex. This will need to be healed by sex itself. For such people, sex can serve as a therapy to cure the inner dissonance or discomfort or shadow. They can rid the shadow with the use of sexual energy. 

5 Sex for Openness. I've seen in my experience that when I'm having sex or feeling sexy or sexual, I have more Openness than usual. I also observe this in other people. People who don't have loving comforting nurturing sex can tend to be more aggressive and less open to other people, less generous or welcoming. They are like stuck up. Sex releases hormones that creates the energy of Openness. 

So those were my 5 ways in which sex can be used positively. 

Also how you use sex is important. 

1 if you have loving nurturing comforting sex it makes you a more patient calm caring gentle person. 

2 if you have sex in a violent way, where it is about torturing someone for pleasure or utilizing them as a toy or object and sort of disrespecting them while the sex is going on, it leads to feelings of hate or aggression and the person who indulges in such sex via actual sex or porn ends up becoming more aggressive. 

So 5 uses and the 2 ways of having sex or using sexual energy in life. 

???

My religion - I'm a Hindu. 

I converted to Christianity in the September of 2015, long before joining this website. 

I had always been praying to Jesus Christ as a child. I was raised in a strict Catholic school which had an adjacent Catholic church whose Father was the Principal of our school. 

My Favorite teacher was Miss Agatha who was of Portuguese origin. 

I re-adopted Christianity as my main religion in the year 2019, around May/June and Minister Justin Peters helped me in this process to get back to Christianity after a period of turmoil and inner conflict. 

I'm a practicing Christian forever now. It helps that my boyfriend Andrew is also a Christian and he takes it seriously. 

Although I'm a Christian I didn't lose my Hindu cultural roots. I still practice Hinduism and continue to learn more about it. 

My ethnicity 

I'm Indian. Born and raised in India. I don't believe that my genetics are fully Indian although I was raised Hindu, there was a lot of Christian influence in my family. On my mother's side, there is Spanish ancestry and on my fathers side, there is Portuguese ancestry. They are half Indians and half mix of Spanish or Portuguese. This I came to know from my mom. 

That's one of the reasons why I get so attracted to Christianity because Catholicism is very popular in these countries and cultures. 

One of the reasons also why I'm eager to learn Spanish and Portuguese is that I want to connect to my ancestors. 

 

My mother was born in Goa. Goa was a Portuguese Colony for a long time and she carries the influence of Spanish and Portuguese cultures. I call her a Hispanic mom. 

 

I lived for some time in the United States a few years ago for a short period. Some of my family is settled there. 

I sometimes travel to US to visit my family in Texas and some relatives in Seattle. 

 

My education 

I have an MBA degree in Finance. I have worked in financial companies for some time and now I work with an event management company. 

I hope to pursue a degree in psychology in the future. 

I'm also looking forward towards a PhD in any of my favorite interests. This is apart from art that I'm very much interested in. 

I also hope to be a writer in the future. 

 

My marriage plans 

This is Andrew my current boyfriend. He is American and born in the US and his parents have Irish and Norwegian ancestry. 

 

44vqd1.jpg

 

 

We get along well and we are matured about our relationship. He works in a Geological company. 

I am not sure if I will ever marry. Because marriage is important to me but I still have doubts about it. Because my parents marriage was a disaster, I don't hope much. 

I plan to live with Andrew currently as a live - in relationship. But I haven't committed marriage yet. We both love each other and we will need to see a way to fulfill our love. 

Also my mom is against Andrew because of my previous abusive relationship with Joseph from Seattle, she doesn't want me to have a similar experience with Andrew. So she doesn't approve of him. Yet I'm keen on being with Andrew and so I won't marry him because she wouldn't want it. Since there is a conflict in my family about marrying an American guy, I don't think marriage is possible or I would risk losing my family. So I would just live with him. Andrew is aware of this. We don't plan on having kids. If we ever do, we will first get married. 

Joseph was much older than me. Andrew is my age 

 

My SD stage 

This is my spiral dynamics chart or map

 

I'm a lot green, some orange, a lot yellow, little blue and some parts turquoise and coral.. I don't like red or blue that much or even purple. Those are very raw to me, like very rooted in certain things. Whereas I'm more yellow and dynamic and open to different paradigms. 

I am more coral than turquoise because turquoise doesn't fit me in the sense like certain things, because I need the strategic framework of Yellow and I also need the absoluteness of Coral integrated into it. 

 

4438n0.jpg

 

I still think that I'm more stage Green and Yellow with some savviness from Orange. 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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Taken from a thread

I’m gonna stick to a “dopamine detox” for a week starting from

[13/06/20]

Ending on

[20/06/20]

A Dopamine Detox is basically the avoidance of all base vices, as to deliberately make yourself bored to resensitize yourself to experience, and reset the chemical soup in your mind so that you’re motivated again to do actual productive things.

To get yourself out of your rut and to become productive you need boredom or "dopaminergic ammo" to give yourself the neuro chemical desire to actually step outside of your comfort zone. Our culture is a "novelty culture", which is a built around hooking in to your brain and keeping you constantly stimulated in a zombie like trance, so that people can extract money from you.

What boring yourself does is starves those pathways and resets the mind out of that zombie like trance. So here are the rules.

What I Can do

Meditate

Read

Write

Exercise 

What I Can’t do

Use the Internet

Watch Television 

Use Social Media

Socialising 

Use any Screen 

Eat Junk Food

No Substances

No Music

Etc...

Anything that I find stimulating is banned. Until 20/06/20, then I can slowly give myself back vices and keep them in a schedule, to find it easier for me to make my schedule stick.

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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???  The context of my relationships with men ???

 now this is going to be a bit long. It's exhausting. 

But I have to write all of this once and for all. 

I think my first relationship started 7 years ago. In 2013. And it was while I was studying. And it lasted only 6 months.. 

I will call this guy Mr SHT. This is an abbreviation of his name for short form sake, for reference. I know it probably sounds like Mr shit (haha). So this guy was very handsome and tall, taller than me of course. He came from a really wealthy family which I didn't know at the time when I was dating him. I came to know much later towards the end of the dating period. So I was doing really good with my grades. All the girls around me were acquainted with him except me. One day I was at a bookstore trying to get some books because it was the start of the semester. A lot of the guys used fancy large bikes then. And they would wear sunglasses and ride these bikes, maybe show off a few stunts to the girls to impress them. I wasn't into dating at all. I was very nerdy and just kept to myself. I had a crush just a year ago before meeting Mr SHT and it didn't go down well. The crush was 15 years older to me, he was introduced to me by my older siblings. He was their friend. I instantly had fallen for him. His manners were very pleasing to me. I will call him Mr Raj. Raj is a very common name in India although his name is an extension of Raj. Raj was highly educated, extremely handsome, one of the most good looking men on the campus, to see or find a good looking man on the campus was a rare sight because most guys who were smart in studies didn't pay attention to their looks and looked very nerdy with glasses and all, they would wear torn clothes, their hair would be unkempt and they would generally appear wimpy and shabby. I was a bit nerdy shy girl too, but this would change later. Raj wore very nice clothes all the time, his hair was always in place, his shirts were always without wrinkles, he would neatly fold his sleeves, his table was always super clean and neat, his clothes were fresh, his face was always clean shaven. He was so clean that he was almost like a robot with his upkeep and discipline. His mannerisms were impeccable. He would always welcome a woman, open the doors for them, pull out a chair for her etc. All the good manners that men display around women. This was a rare thing. Because most of the guys on campus were arrogant nerds  some of them were sexist and wouldn't care about mannerisms around women. So Raj was a refreshing change. Raj was also 15 years older than me but he looked 10 years younger than his age. So it didn't matter how old he was, he always looked young and fit in well with the younger crowds. 

I met him through my older siblings and he introduced himself. He had his eyes all on me. I was the youngest in the whole crowd of friends. I was extremely naive back then. I had no knowledge of men and no contact of men except for my dad. I just didn't know men. I was instantly taken by all the attention Raj was giving me. He would praise me constantly. I had very low self confidence. I was always extremely nervous around him, not even uttering a word, since it was an older crowd of people, I largely kept to myself and didn't say much at all throughout the gathering /party. Raj was probably impressed by my shyness and demure nature. I don't know. Maybe it was me being much younger than him. He would try to flirt with me, but not in a vulgar manner, just nerdy flirting, casual, not too strong. 

As days went by, I grew more attached to Mr Raj. He would my home nearly every day. Mostly in evenings. He would call on my home phone, the general land phone which was for all family members to use. I would feel very nervous talking to him on the phone, sometimes my hands would shake just holding the phone. 

He would speak in a very monotonous slow manner. Heavy voice. Deep voice. I was very high pitched and excited in my voice tones. He used to like my laugh and quirkiness. I had no idea why he used to call. But I used to feel good. I started calling him my friend. 

As some weeks went by, I grew more affectionate towards him and slowly developed a crush on him. Since he was 15 years older than me, there was no way I would have the confidence to say that I love him. Just no way, in those years I was too shy and nervous around men. I had not experienced sex by then. I was just a virgin. I had no boyfriend at that time. Mr SHT was later going to be my first boyfriend and my first sexual experience. But before Mr SHT, I had no prior sexual or any kind of experience with men. 

So I was not able to articulate my feelings for Mr Raj. I sometimes thought of him as an older brother, sometimes as a friend. I couldn't figure what feelings I had for him. But he was like an authority figure  in my life. He would tell me things about career and degrees. He was like a teacher to me. 

I gradually started calling him in the middle of the night. This was to escape my parents attention. My mom was feeling a bit jittery and uptight whenever I would call Mr Raj during the day. She knew he was older so she didn't like me calling him. 

So I would call him in the night. Nobody in my family would know that way. It was all secret. I would not say much on the phone because usually I used to get very nervous while talking to him, I would talk to him the way a fan would talk to a movie star. I was just plain nervous during those days. Raj would never say anything sexual or offensive to me. He never said anything dirty. He made sure that I always felt safe. 

Had Raj been dirty in any way around me, I would have instantly broken off all ties with him, because even I barely had any experience with men, I knew to keep away from bad men and predators. I could easily sense if a guy was being lewd and lascivious. I never liked that pervy kind of guys. They were an instant turn off. 

Raj was very respectful. He had a sense of dignity and pride about him. He wasn't cocky. He was just mannerly and sophisticated, a quality that was very rare in the younger crowds. 

So anyway, a few months flew past, and I started writing letters to Mr Raj. Personal letters. I could have even said the things on the phone but I wanted it to be special. I would deliver these letters whenever I met him. Since I couldn't say such things on the phone, I wrote a letter and I wrote the words ' I love you' in that letter. I planned on giving him that letter. So I did. 

One day I met him at a party and I got too close to him. I got really close and he was quite tall. Like 6 feet tall. I kinda pulled him but my nervousness caused me to kiss him on the neck in a very awkward way. I was going to kiss him on the cheeks or lips but it missed his face and landed on the neck. I felt very embarrassed. 

So some days went by and I decided to just put a full stop to all this uncertainty around this mysterious tall handsome man in my life. 

I called him straight up one evening and told him that I need an answer. What's all this about? Why no response to my letters. I was being rude to him. Because I wanted to be done with all the passive show of attraction and it not going anywhere. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? The context of my relationships with men ???

Continued. 

So I called Raj one evening. I told him that I need answers. He was being evasive. I was being a petulant teenager. I wasn't having it. It was making me angry. I asked him. Then there was a pause. Maybe he didn't want to lose me. So he had avoided such a conversation for a long time. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me. 

After the long pause, he shrugged. And then he began to explain me in a deep sad voice that nothing was going to happen between us. That he thought of me as a kid, nothing more. He said to me in clear words, that I was like a baby to him, he was too old to think of being sexual with me, he didn't entertain such a thought, he would never have thought of dating me because of the age gap. He wasn't comfortable being with a much younger woman. He felt like he was taking advantage of me. This was 2011. I was just 18. He was 33. He didn't look 33. He looked 25. 

I told him that it didn't matter how old he was. I liked him too much. He didn't care to listen. He said that he would never date someone who was 18. He felt awkward. He didn't want to play with my innocence. I was heart broken. I really wanted him to try me. I slammed the phone in anger. 

I was crushed. My crush wouldn't accept me because of a stupid age difference. I felt very depressed. I wasn't eating for a few days. I was upset and mad at everything. Having put so much emotion into it and then being told that I was too young to date. I was just a mess for some time. 

Eventually I forgot Raj. I stopped calling him. He never called me again. It was all over. He flew to Switzerland for his job the next month. 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? The context of my relationships with men ???

Continued 

So Raj was gone from my life forever. 

Now it was 2013. I was 20 and in college. So I was getting books for my new semester and I started to walk away from the bookstore and I stumbled upon a bike. A guy sitting on bike looking intently at me. He was smiling at me. I didn't know him. Seems like he was from my class because I had seen him in my class just a few days ago. I was sort of angry because he had startled me. I was like an angry teen in that year. I didn't want men, especially after being so embarrassingly rejected by Raj. I wanted to have nothing to do with men. 

Mr SHT smiled at me and said "I think you are from my class, aren't you even going to say a hello to a friendly stranger?" 

I was pissed off by his comment. He already made it look like I did something wrong by not saying a "hi" to him. So I shrugged and said "Hi" and walked off. That was it. 

Next day I saw him once again in the classroom and I looked away and walked past him..

I wasn't into getting any attention from any man. I just wanted to keep to myself. But it seemed as though the more I pulled away, the more curious he got. 

Once it was evening and it was already getting dark and I had lost some money and some books because I forgot my purse somewhere and I didn't remember where. I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus to ride home. 

There were some people at the bus stop and I was busy looking at my phone, constantly checking the time. I was too nervous. I had to get back home really fast. I had to complete my class assignments. I had no time to waste 

I was holding books in my hands, nervously waiting for the bus. And I felt startled. Like someone said a soft hello behind me. I turned around and I saw Mr SHT on a bike. He had a nice brand new bike. I was very startled, I was like a deer in the headlights, I just stared at him, because I couldn't figure out how he landed there. How did he know I was here? There were too many questions in my head and I was nervously looking at him while he was smiling at me. I gave him a mean look. (in my head I was thinking "not this one again.") He raised his helmet and intently kept looking at me and asked me if I needed a ride home. I was instantly nervous and uncomfortable at this question /request. I was getting frozen. I had never been approached in such a direct manner by anyone, much less a man in my life. I looked at him like he was some bugger. In my mind I was thinking "what are you up to, why would I accept a ride from you?" I just fumbled with my bag for some time, mumbling something, just confused, not knowing what to say. I stuttered and blurted out "okay" very nervously. I didn't want to say yes but at the same time I didn't want to be rude to him. It didn't feel ok to say No. So I sat on his bike and he rode me home. On the way he asked me a few questions, regarding my interests, where I came from, about my parents etc etc etc. 

I answered all of his questions like an obedient parrot. 

And then he dropped me off at my house. My house was a swanky apartment and there was a bevy of Mercedes cars in the driveways of the apartment. Everyone who lived there was very rich. My parents had wanted that house because it was close to the workplace. There was this huge fountain near the driveway and the lights all around the apartment would light up that fountain at night. I came from poverty but my family worked hard and we got rich and made it big by the time I was 20. We were living in the wealthiest neighborhood at the time. And this college was very close to my house and I used to ride the bus because it was much safer to use the bus than drive a car. I wasn't good at driving anyway. 

So when he dropped me, he looked at my apartment and for a minute he was just looking. Maybe he was thrilled, I don't know. He then asked me my number. I immediately scribbled my number on a paper and gave it to him. 

And then he disappeared riding on his bike. I came home, showered, fixed dinner and sat back and relaxed and thought nothing much of anything. This was November 2013. 

Now it was December 2013. The month of November was very hectic, loads and loads of assignments and college work, no bunking or get banned from college for low attendance. I attended all classes dutifully. I had good grades. I was an A student. The coming January of 2014 was going to be the exam month. We were going to have our first ever semester exam that month. So December made me anxious. I was totally into preparing well ahead for my exams. I was too scared of getting low grades. This was a very anxious month. Studies were important. 

Now it was 25 December. Christmas. I wasn't a Christian back then, not formally, but Christ is someone I always prayed to, so Christmas was special for me. I celebrated that day. It was a reprieve from all the piled up stress of that month. 

I was preparing for bed. I was sitting around when I received a text on my phone. It was Mr SHT. Holy shit!!! I thought to myself why in the world would this guy text me at night. 

He texted me "Merry Christmas." 

I was alone at home. My whole family was on vacation at the beach in another city. I didn't go with them because I had to prepare for my exams. January 2nd was the test date. I couldn't be vacationing at this time so I let them go while I was alone at home for those days. 

I was a bit nervous replying to a man I barely knew. Plus I was alone. I just replied back "Same to you." 

(I somehow cannot fathom the events of this night and how they unfolded, even today I can't. I wish it weren't this way.) 

So he texted me back. He asked me what I was doing. I texted him that I was doing nothing. Then he texted a few more questions and I answered them, just like a parrot. I was still naive. I never had a proper boyfriend, only a crush who had rejected me a year ago. 

Somehow Mr SHT wouldn't leave me alone. He kept texting. I asked him what he was doing so late at night. He said he was with his friends in a restaurant celebrating Christmas. I said ok. 

After some time I thought it was best for me to go to bed. I was too tired and my brain was foggy and I was sleepy. I had a long day studying up to 12 hours. I just couldn't hold up any longer. 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? The context of my relationships with men ???

Continued 

It was Christmas night. December 25, 2013. 

 

I was tired, groggy, lazy as a sloth and ready for bed. 

And Mr SHT was continuously texting me. 

So he asked me if I were home alone or with someone. Hindsight I probably should have lied or not answered this question at all. I regret answering this question. I was too naive and I answered that I was home alone. I just didn't know any better. I was only 20 with zero experience with men.. 

He sent a couple of texts and then he said he was on his way home. I was too sleepy while reading these texts and I replied "okay." 

And his next text was "what do you mean? You want me to come over(to your place) ? 

I was confused. I was already too sleepy. I just didn't know what he was talking about. Hindsight I think he did it on purpose to trap me in his questions and make it look like I want him even when I never gave him such a signal. 

I was completely confused. I just didn't know what to answer. I didn't want him to come over to my place because it was well past midnight. He was still a stranger to me. We had met only once or twice before. And this was a month ago. I didn't even know this guy. Every time it was him asking me questions, I never asked him anything at all. 

I was simply replying "okay" or "ok" to all of his texts out of tiredness. 

He then magically appeared at my house within minutes. I got a call on my phone and he said he is at the main entrance. I was flummoxed and dumbfounded. I just didn't know what was going on. 

I wiped my face and rushed to the door because I didn't want to be rude. I opened the door. I let him in.. 

I immediately ran to the kitchen. Because it's a custom in India that when some stranger or guest is at your home, you are supposed to serve them tea, coffee, biscuits or sweets like chocolate. 

I grabbed some chocolates from refrigerator and poured some juice in a glass and placed it on the table and told him to have it. He was looking tired. He was just looking at me. I was in my night gown. It was a sexy night gown. It wasn't too much. But that's what I wore most of the nights. It had some lace and it looked very feminine. 

So I sat across him on the couch and asked him a bunch of questions. My sleepy haze slowly disappearing. Now I was a bit alert. 

He was laughing and he was very much of an extrovert. 

My laptop was on in my bedroom. He was talking about some email he had sent. I excused myself and went to the bedroom to check my laptop. I was running through the emails. And I turned around and I saw him.. He was in my bedroom now. I was a bit unnerved. Because I was alone at home. I didn't see him as a bad guy. 

He sat next to me. Very close. His thighs almost touching mine. He sat on my bed and my laptop was in front of us. 

So I came across some funny cat videos on my laptop and I burst out laughing. He laughed too. This was nearly 2 am in the night.. 

We kept chatting and laughing. I was laughing a bit too much. I was acting drunk. The sleep deprivation because I had been studying very hard for days, was really having a toll on me. I was just wanting to fall asleep. But here was a guest I had to entertain. 

As we kept chatting, he kept looking very intently at me. His gaze was very hypnotizing. 

His asked me what I would want him to call me. I said call me anything. I wasn't being flirty. I didn't know how to flirt. I was just being friendly. 

He said he would call me "baby." I was just laughing very nervously. 

I liked him calling me baby. It felt very "at home." sometimes people in my family would call me baby. 

He kept on calling me baby. I kept laughing. Giggling. Nervous cackle. 

We were chatting for more than an hour by now. It wasn't even sexual. Just being funny. He showed me some Memes on the internet and he was making silly jokes. I was laughing my ass off. 

By now he came a bit closer to me, his face directly above my face and he was staring deep into my eyes. I didn't know what to do. The nervousness was taking over me. I leaned a bit toward him and he pulled me and kissed me on my lips. He held my head in his hands really tight and kissed me very long. 

I felt very awkward. Extremely awkward. I tried pulling away but he wouldn't let me. I kept kissing me. 

I got wet. Really wet after his kiss. I couldn't tell what was going on. He whispered that he loves me. He likes me. And then proceeded to kiss me again. He then removed my night gown. He did it so swiftly and quickly that I didn't understand how he just removed my clothes like that. 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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??? The context of my relationships with men ???

Continued. 

 

So he proceeded to remove my clothes. He ripped my panties off. (I still have no clue how he managed to do all this so quickly meanwhile I just stared at him feeling dumb. It seems he had experience with this kind of stuff. ) 

He laid me carefully on the bed trying not to bump my head against the headboard. He kept his palm beneath my head to rest it softly on the pillow. And then he took off his clothes really quick. I was just staring at him the whole time. 

I was very wet, dripping wet, this was the first time that I had felt directly sexual with a guy, real time experience. 

I had masturbated before but nothing I had imagined could come closer to this. 

He laid himself carefully on top of me. And then he touched my breasts. My breasts were feeling hard. My nipples were tight. I was very nervous and kinda scared. My heart was jumping all the time. 

And then he tried to roll me over. He penetrated me from the back anally. It hurt a lot. 

Everything was happening way too fast and I was too tired and sleepy but I was turned on. I was floating in a breeze. Just letting it happen. I wasn't actively resisting. Because I was too wet to resist. 

Then he rolled me over again. He was treating me like a ragdoll constantly touching me, rolling me over and over and pulling my nipples really hard, and then grabbing my breasts. Just twisting my breasts. It all felt hard. My breasts were swelling. I was feeling a lot of pain 

  Now he proceeded to open my legs and forced himself inside. I hadn't seen a penis in real life before this. It appeared really hard and tight. The penetration wasn't happening quick, maybe because I was a virgin so I guess the vagina was very tight. He just went on thrusting himself into me. Finally he was able to force more after a couple of attempts. I was drenched wet. There was semen all over me, on my anus, on my back, on my belly, on my vagina. My vision was blurry and I was too exhausted.. 

He finally slumped over me in exhaustion. His penis looked  shrunk. 

This was almost 4 am. I slept off. He slept off beside me. We were both naked. 

An hour later. I woke up. I went to the kitchen. I fixed some breakfast. Cereal and tossed some strawberry and banana into milk and served him in his bed. Actually my bed. 

He was groggy and he kept rubbing his eyes. I was in my night gown. He smiled at me. He ate it. 

All the time he would simply look at me. I didn't know what to say to him. We fell asleep again and woke up again an hour later. 

Then it was class time at 8 am. He told me he needs to go. He got dressed in his jeans and shirt. And then he took his helmet and said bye and kissed me and left. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl..

Preety preety

 

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