Preety_India

My name is Preety, not Pretty !!

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My name is Preety. A lot of people who pmed me kept referring to me as Pretty. I guess they had a confusion. So just letting you guys know. 

Also my name has nothing to do with the word pretty. 

My name in my language means "connection." 

Preety is pronounced the same way you would say Sweetie or Tweety. 

 I will use this journal in a more autobiographical sense and  it will also cover some of my meditation insights. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

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🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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I am going to use this journal for mini updates. Little things and reminders. 

3ya1u5.jpg

Had a good day today. Slim progress. 

Did morning meditation and some work related stuff.. 

At least not wasting my time. 

Things will get better, I promise to myself. 

3ya1u5.jpg

Focus on yourself and fuck that shit. 

Whatever the universe does it does it for good

 

 

3ya1u5.jpg

 

This kind of journaling helps me because it's like tweeting. This helps me in keeping it together and not letting myself get lost in thoughts or other work. I know exactly what I'm doing.. 

3ya1u5.jpg

The only thing I hate is that I can't keep editing. 

3ya1u5.jpg

I wish I could just sink into nothingness. 

But then there is always this needy me, the need for getting love and  acceptance in any community is pretty strong for me, especially since the constant feeling of abandonment and neglect I experienced as a child. But whatever. 

I will think that the mountains are accepting me. Done deal. 

Nature can give more where humanity fails. 

And I'm such a strong soul. Do I ever give up? 

If I ever became a mother, my child will never feel unloved or abandoned, not the way I was raised, nope, I will shower my child with utmost care and love unconditionally, be the mama bear mother, my spirit will stay with by loved ones even if my body doesn't.. 

There is an innate quality to the spirit that nobody can rob.. 

I have come so far out of so much negativity thrown at me as a child, I conquered everything, whenever my mother thought that I was a nobody, I showed I was somebody. 

No child has to feel abandoned, lonely and unloved or undeserving by the mother. That's the worst way to raise a child.. 

My mother had already decided that I was the unwanted child. But I wasn't gonna give up. 

I have been fiercely loyal to all those I care about, to all those I love. Often times to my own detriment, because they would betray me. Later it would hurt like a stab. Imagine helping a person so much only for that person to call you a bitch and walk away completely abandoning you. Realizing that you did so much to help someone and they turn out to be grateful. And leave you when you need them. You get reminded of how shitty humanity is. 

I AM A LONEWOLF... I HAVE always known this. I was always a LONEWOLF. I used to sit alone on a bench.. I fucking did everything on my own. Not one help. Every little thing on my own. 

I fought for myself like a lion when everyone went against me. I proved them wrong when they decided things for me. 

My entire life was up until now a fight... A fight to live in a cutthroat world.... 

A fight against my own family. 

A fight to prove that I'm worth it. 

Nothing was ever served to me. 

I earned every single feather.  

Sometimes I feel like the only person who stood for me was me. 

I used to write a diary even as a child. 

I remember when I was 16, my diary entry was somewhat like 

"Who will be there for me across that bridge?" who will be there for me all along? 

I think I could sense betrayal even as a 16 year old. 

I knew at the back of my mind that my life was always going to be lonely, even if I had people around me, they would only be a facade, they will love me but it will be fake, that the person who will truly be around me when I need someone will only be me.  I used to get creepy vibes knowing  this but I also knew that this was the truth. 

 

Edited by Preety_India
I make a lot of typos trying to type fast

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

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🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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                 So who is Preety? 

 

I'm a complex person. A product of my circumstances but also a product of my own intuition and feelings. One thing if you need to know about my personality is that I am Fierce and Deep. 

I am a very serious and deep person. All the light heartedness, the emojis, all the laugh or funny stuff you see is only a way to not come across as too deep or intense. I can go from one minute of feeling very petty and laughing to another where my crying or sadness can be so strong that you would not want to be around me.. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. That means I wear my emotions on my sleeve. My writing can sometimes come across as very emotional since I'm an emotional person. 

I hate being cold. I hate anything cold. If I ever appear cold that's my introversion showing. That's me being guarded and reserved. 

I was always shy and reserved at school. 

This version of me that you see is the one that has arrived at after many metamorphoses and incarnations. I grew a bit out of that shy nature. 

But not much. I still carry that childhood shyness and reserved nature. 

I am very serious. A lot of people misunderstand me. I like to be courteous and polite. So it's my need for courtesy that makes me look friendly. But in reality I'm not as friendly as I may appear. The outward friendliness is only a mask I need to wear to keep my inner self away from people. 

You have to understand introverts. Introverts don't like to show people their inner struggles or problems or their thoughts. Yes I do wear my emotions on my sleeve but I'm also good at masking them. I don't feel the need to show it to people. This is the reason why introverts hardly open up or are hard to be made to open up 

I simply shut myself when personal questions are asked. Notice that my communication is always about something, but I hardly talk about my inner self. That's an introvert. Any conversation that needs me to open up, I immediately recoil. Introverts are never comfortable in engaging their selves with the world. They have a certain fear, a certain guardedness, a certain need to be left alone. 

I have enjoyed solitude in the past. I enjoy it even now. Some people in my family have always asked me how I could be so happy just being alone. 

Like my extrovert counterparts, I don't need to have someone to feel happy. I can be happy by myself. I always find something to be happy about. I am not a chatterbug, so I become your friend I will hardly ever talk. This behavior is in complete contrast with my outer personality. Because most people at first glance find me very sweet sweet and polite, social and gentle. They get attracted to me and want to be friends. But when I don't become friends with them, they feel very strange. 

My inner self is different than the outer self. If I showed my inner self all the time, my conversations with people might get boring and I will always carry a sense of embarrassment all the time, to avoid the iciness, I try being funny and social. But I maintain the distance. So people only get a glimpse of me. 

They think what they see is me. No that's just an outer "hi hello, how are you, you're welcome" outer self of me being courteous for the sake of courtesy. 

A lot of people try to get intimate with me just thinking that I'm must be very loving if I'm so polite. 

They later get confused when I don't respond the same way I did the first time. 

When they don't get to be intimate with me, that's where they see my true self. 

I'm a very raw introvert. So keeping to myself is my fundamental nature. 

 I enjoy being this quite shy silent person. Because the inner me is deep and serious. 

In always thinking about deeper things in life. 

 

Often times I don't come across as loving. 

Like once my boyfriend was offended that I wasn't being warm enough, because I wasn't saying anything when he was having a bad day. I was just quiet. He is a bit of an extrovert. So he found it cold and strange. 

Actually it's not that. I am deep, sensitive but I don't always show in an intimate setting. I'm extremely loving and caring and deeply caring inside. It's just that I don't like to show it often. The feelings are not very open but they are deep.. I probably don't know the best way to show that I'm loving and caring but inside me I'm always loving that person on a much deeper level, more than that person would ever know.. 

 

One of the reasons why I am such a complex person is because I'm a combination personality. It's some traits mixed with others. This makes me dynamic. And also difficult for people to assess who I really am

What does a combination personality mean? Now this is what it means. I am an introvert. But I also have moments where I wear my emotions on my sleeve. This gives a false appearance that I am this hot headed girl ready to bark at anyone and gets angry and messy. Actually those are just fleeting moments. Moments that are expressed due to a trigger. I'm not this hot tempered girl walking around just ready to snap at someone. I'm very cool and peaceful. I like this  shy peaceful nature.. 

That hot headedness is just those emotions getting the better of me. They sometimes win their day by robbing my peace. 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

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🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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@Shebo

It's okay you can ask me questions here. I don't usually respond to pm because I find it more personal. Because of my introvertedness, I tend to feel awkward in pm conversations. So I never pm anyone much. 

It's okay to have conversations with me in this journal. It's open to comments and scrutiny. 

And regarding your question. 

I'm a combination of INTP and INFP

 

 

 

 


 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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cool, I just didn't want to mess up the art design you did with this sub-form xD

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xD

(this journal is open to comments) 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Things will get better, I promise to myself. 

What things do you want to get better?

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@Shebo  

I have been struggling with emotional issues arising out of my last relationship that I ended and some family issues I was dealing with combined with some past trauma from childhood. 

 

 

 


 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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So I have been trying to do some of the visualizations that I posted in the Focus Shion. 

Seems like a good start.. I didn't repeat a lot of them but the first time I did them, it was good enough. 

I think with visualizations, practice will probably make them better in terms of effectiveness. 

 

3ya1u5.jpg

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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Do you feel ok if you'd share these arising emotional issues and family issues, and past trama ?

 

Did you share them with anyone before?

Edited by Shebo

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@Shebo

I have already shared them in my journal The healing Road.

In short these issues were abuse that I suffered from my bipolar mother for a huge part of my childhood. 

Second is dealing with her bipolar disorder as her caregiver. I am her primary caregiver. So it's difficult to deal with her  disorder. And caring for her can be challenging. 

Third is my breakup that happened on March 13 this year.. Freedom from an abusive relationship that began in late 2017. This relationship had damaged my health and given me a lot of emotional stress. 

Now I'm in a relationship with a guy whose name is Andrew. Andrew is an American guy living here. I met him at a meditation retreat. It's an interracial relationship between me, an Indian and him an American white guy. Andrew supported me emotionally during the time I was trying to break up with my ex. 

So it's a combination of childhood abuse trauma, having to deal with an uncooperative and tough family, and the impact of the past abusive relationship I ended. 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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3ya1u5.jpg

Things are at least a bit better than last week. 

I have been feeling upbeat today. 

Was listening to music in the morning. 

I feel so calm when I'm having a good day. 

3ya1u5.jpg

I am planning to do some visualizations today. 

Sunday May 17, 2020 

6.30 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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I have been feeling a bit of pain on the side of my body. Not sure why. I felt very uncomfortable through the day because of it. 

7 pm. (Sunday may 17)

3ya1u5.jpg

 

 


 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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One of the things i used to enjoy doing while meditating is reliving my past traumas and try to understand why these people hurt me, including me.

I never thought that it would enjoy it , but I found the results quite pretty!

 

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Ok

 


 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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Came across this quote in the forum today.. 

 

"wherever tears fall, divine mercy is shown." I have experienced that in real. 

I like the feeling of God watching over me. Feels comforting. 

 

 

 


 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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Sometimes I get broody. Sometimes I get pensive. 

Today I was upbeat in the morning. But a memory of an incident made me a bit down again

I need to chill and relax and let it go. 

Better things are always around the corner. 

I got a few goals completed this week.. 

3ya1u5.jpg

Trying to purify my mind. This is the first step. Clear the mind of all the rubbish. 

Then like a star put all your focus and energy on beauty and creation - the womb. 

Focus on the crown chakra.

See how it connects to the heart. 

 

3ya1u5.jpg

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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I still feel the embrace of the breeze and the call of the coucal

 

 

 


 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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I need to understand introverts more. I thought this journal wasn't open until you said that to the other person. 

Introverts to me are a bit difficult to understand. I don't understand why they act like they do and I don't wanna judge, so if you like to shine light to this, I would be more than grateful. 

In fact I don't understand how it feels to not open up, mask emotions, being misunderstood, having people that find them weird  etc Don't they feel the need to open up? Why they feel out of their comfort zone while they do? Are they able to trust anybody? 

Is it difficult being an introvert? 

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@egoeimai

It's both difficult, complicated and comfortable being an introvert. 

 

Introverts have a huge chemical buildup in their brains. Their brains are different chemically from extroverts. Introverts constantly produce chemicals that stimulate their senses and brains. That's why a lot of introverts are highly intelligent people. But the buildup of these chemicals also makes introverts nervous, anxious, frustrated, agitated and often over stimulated. The last thing they want is another stimulation. They are easily able to entertain themselves because of their overly sensitive brains. 

Extroverts on the other hand have average or less buildup of chemicals and are therefore not that sensitive to outside stimulation. They need more to feel stimulated. So even if they are In a huge crowd with lots of sensory overdose extroverts are comfortable with sensory load. 

 

Other thing that introverts suffer from is a certain kind of Neurotic tension because of overly sensitive nervous system. So they immediately get impacted by even a minor change in the expression of the listener's face. Introverts are thinking all sorts of things in their minds. This neurosis causes them to feel extra sensitive to any form of judgement or hate. They get very anxious even by the mere thought that someone will judge their behavior. In order to escape this tension, they develop defensive behavior in early childhood. They learn how to put on a mask to impress people but keep their inner feelings hidden. The reason is with the mask they feel more protected. They feel safe because with the mask nobody will judge them. But if they tell their true feelings, their greatest fear can come true. 

As they grow, they become an expert at hiding, masking and not opening up. Their feelings always remain hidden and this can sometimes become dangerous for them because it leads to emotional stress and inability to cope with inner pain which is hidden. 

They feel the need to open up but the fear puts a lid on it. Every time they feel to open up, the fear of judgement comes up and they go back and decide not to open up. They start to feel better not opening up because they don't have to deal with the fear anymore. This creates a temporary comfort zone that can last for many years. Once the comfort zone is created in their minds they will less likey want to break it. At the same time when they want to open up, they are looking for trust. They want to feel safe if they really feel like opening up. But they can't trust a lot of people because experience with most people has taught them that people will break their trust. Once an incident happens where trust is broken, they become further confirmed in their decision to not open up. However if they find a trustworthy person who has gained their trust with constant love and support over a considerable period of time, they begin to trust this person and open up to this person. 

They live their lives without trusting people and avoid people most of the time because of the lack of trust and only keep a very small number of friends who have successfully gained their trust and confidence. 

Introverts will never trust a stranger and will display weird behavior with them out of fear and suspicion. The stranger in turn will find such behavior very weird, even rude, and stop talking to the introvert. This is not the introvert's fault. They are only operating from fear and stress. However the stranger will misunderstand them and so will many people. 

The introvert might suddenly block the stranger from communication or leave a rude reply or not reply at all, thinking that this behavior will throw the stranger away, this way the introvert will feel safe. 

The process of gaining the trust of an introvert is very complicated. It very much depends on the point of contact. If the stranger or new person's first behavior is a critical remark or negative comment, this will be like a sword poking into the introvert and the introvert will immediately block the stranger in his mind. The introvert has already decided not to trust this person. Therefore the first few impressions are important to gain the trust of the introvert. Sometimes even this can fail if the introvert is not mentally ready to trust anyone.. 

If the introvert has suffered any form of abuse, or negativity, criticism, hate in their childhood or bullying in school, then their introversion will become extreme in adulthood and they will act very defensive and extra sensitive around people. Because past memory has taught them that people are not to be trusted and avoided. They will go to great lengths to avoid people. Such attempts will look bizzare and abnormal to extroverts but for introverts it's a defense and coping mechanism against further negativity. 

Because of all these confusing defensive behaviors, introverts mostly get misunderstood a lot. 

So it's difficult being an introvert. 

Also being an introvert becomes a failed mission. Most introverts are trying to hide and block people and avoid attention but this very strange behavior becomes counter productive and people actually start giving them more attention because of their strange behavior. This causes tremendous frustration in the introvert as they don't want that attention but they also can't control their behavior of avoiding people. 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. 

Quick access to journal entries

🍒☄️☄️☄️☄️☄️Periwinkle 🌸

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