Disfunctional 19 year old

3 posts in this topic

I have been on a decline or just haven't evolved from multiple points of view.

My parents had some problems and were unfit. I lived with my mom in my grandmas house. My father didn't live with us. 

My mom is a painter and my father a poet

They were both diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My family from my mom's side is huge, my grandma had 10 kids, so i have like 20 cousins. 

I was kinda raised by my grandma. My mom was with us too.

I have 2 sisters from 2 different fathers ..

I am 19 they are 30 and 32 now.

They became succesful and have their own family.

I always had a fascination about life and figuring out how things work. But i was also very shy bad and weird . Now that i look back at it i could call it bipolar.

I always had this vision of myself evolving, analyzing everything, understanding everyone.. but i was also very lazy and had an addicing personality.

I was bipolar in the sense that i sometimes felt extremely confident, i was very funny, smart sounding, i could vibe with anyone but other times very insecure and into myself, sometimes extremely anxious. I am still remembered as a funny, weird ,cool, loud, shy quiet, smart, dumb guy.

The point is that my sisters always used to tell me do this, do that ... learn for this class, learn for that ..and she was always specifically asking me what i did that day. I knew exactly her mindset, her reasons... etc

I always wanted to do things alone and figure out my way. She kept telling me that i should follow what she says cause she became succesful. But i never really vibed with her .

She used to give me presents and all kinds of stuff and then when i didnt learn or didnt communicate with her she would take it away.

And she was thinking that she educates me and makes me develop by learning from her how to work through life. 

I had a different kind o beeing , different style and a weird sophisticated humour and a perfectionist mindset. I would not do something just becaude i didn't want to make it mediocre but perfect. She always told me that she figured it out through hard work she didn t have someone to tell her all these things but i have her.

The thing is that i figured out all these things toooo so i dont need someone to keep me in a fear state because i have to report my achievments , goals  and visions to her. My goals,achievements would not be relatable to her. She is totally different. I have a complex vision about my life filled with art, technology, innovation and funny weird stuff. She is a hard worker at a company and his husband is works for a big company too.

I just never wanted to include them too much into my life ... but after school ended ... i was about to go to college in germany, but in that last summer that i stayed i wanted to live all the things that i missed out on , like getting a girlfriend and making cool, funny imaptful youtube videos. But of other sister told me that i have to live with her because the circumstances at my grandmas home are not good for me.... so i had to live at my sister which was near the city and i had to take a bus every day just to get in the city to go out with my friends. Again, i couldnt do the things that i set out for myself .. i mostly just went out and drank and smokedd w.

Then they asked me about college , and they said i have to go to college and they will pay for it. Which i also wanted to but not that way... i haaaaate it when they push me to do things.... i want to do it by my own initiative , you dont need to tell meeee , they were always explaining to me how life worksss and how i should act. But those were things i already knewwww.. i felt so pushed and not free

And after they give me all this stuff they would shame me ... that i get all this stuff which they didnt when they were my age.. and i still dont do the learning at school, the etc... 

I was motivated to do everything and figure my life out. My friends , my skills , the circumstances. But iii haaaaaated that they kept pushing me as if i didn't know that i need to do things.. i fuckinggg haaate it...

Now i feel like i missed out on becoming that interesting , excentric , hard achiever, funny, charismatic person... also because of myself but also because i hate to be pushed... 

I feel extremely disfunctional.... and i am now dependent on them financially... in my second semester of college. In the first semmesterr i didnt learn and failed a bunch of classes... because i was playing leauge of legends , becaue i didnt like the new place i was in, the people so i isolated and wanted to become an amazing player. Now it is the second semester and they are dissapointed in me that i didnt learn and didnt pass my exams... and always shame me for not doig anything.... now i am at my other sister in my hometown bcs of corona and i am doing the university online.

I tried to work online as a graphic designer...but i am lazy and i think its hard.

I feel stuck, angry, dissapointed,  sad. I feeel like i missed out on many things... and i feeel like i cant become the kind of person i want because of my circumstances. 

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You will only stop feeling that way when you get off the paycheck of your sisters.

Because they use the money to guilt you into doing what they think is best for you.
And you hate how they do it to you, so you counter act and fuck up college as a revolt.

Ask yourself, what do YOU want to do? 
It is YOUR life. Your life hasnt even started yet.

Make your own agenda. Make your own plans. Execute on them, fail, learn from it. Try again better next time.

I wish someone would have told me this when I was your age.

Dude you got your entire life in front of you, 
If your sister pays for you, do what she wants! Dont complain. 

But I think you can handle college, and figure out what you want, meet friends, find a girl, all these things together.

Be thankful that they pay for you, learn the shit and get the degree. And in all the other time you have free, find out who you are and what you want out of this life. 


Stage Yellow Health Hacks -->


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I am so happy for this response . I actually didn't just revolt and fucked up college .. i was just playing league of legends that's why i didn't go to classes. And i was sleeping all day, because i was anxious far away from home lmao .. thank you for the great response ... 

I need to do something about this.  

Thank you that for taking the time to read my complaining. 

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